puthappinessfirst: starting the fight

[puthappinessfirst]

So I saw the trauma/anxiety/ocd therapist today. She is very educated and smart when it comes to ocd but not when it comes to psych meds. It was kinda obvious she did not believe about my protracted withdrawal, saying 10mg of celexa is such a low dose and doesn't do much. I told her about wanting to come off over a year or two and she said it really shouldn't take that long. I want to learn from her but this always hurts to hear, as you all know. 

[puthappinessfirst]

Is there a specific brand of fish oil that people here prefer? Mine just ran out.

[ChessieCat]

Magnesium

[puthappinessfirst]

1 minute ago, ChessieCat said:

Magnesium

 

Thanks, CC. But I was asking about fish oil 😁

[ChessieCat]

LOL.  I had just been posting to a different member about taking magnesium throughout the day.  Sorry.  Glad you could see the funny side.

 

Here's the correct one.  I think Alto mentions what she takes:  Omega-3 Fish Oil

[ChessieCat]

On 2/3/2019 at 10:47 AM, Altostrata said:

I get Trader Joe's or NOW Foods fish oil myself.

 

[puthappinessfirst]

Thank you, @ChessieCat ! Don't worry, I know how it is. I don't know what time it is where you are, but it's almost 5pm where I am, which means I am dragging and am squirming to leave work soon. I am not very sharp around this time 😬

[puthappinessfirst]

Just a tiny update...

 

I've had some decent few days but today is not so good. Woke up with a mind racing 1000 miles a minute, restlessness, sore/tingly arms. I am super happy I had a really good day on Sunday and Monday, yesterday was uneventful and I was content, today is blah. I took the morning off from work but came in anyway at noon. Trying to make it through.

[intothewoods]

Sorry that you woke in a wave today, puthappinessfirst. Especially after having windows two days in a row, then comes restlessness and sore, tingling arms which is terrible. But you are still happy -- it does show ☺️-- and you made it to work after all. You're probably headed home by now as it's 6ish in California. I hope the afternoon wasn't too rough and that you have a more restful evening. 

 

Looking forward to getting to know a fellow writer better!

 

Healing thoughts .... ~ Catherine

[Carmie]

Hi Happiness, 

 

I’m sorry you’re in a wave, but I’m so happy you’ve had lots of good days. Your brain is working hard at healing, there’s no way of avoiding windows and waves, as that is how the brain heals. We will get there in the end! 

 

You said you used to write about musicians and musical events. I go to lots of concerts and love music, as you know. Have you ever seen Keane, or Tom Chaplin in concert? I love Tom’s voice,  and even though he’s no longer with Keane he was still doing solo concerts. I’ve never seen him in concert, why doesn’t he come to Queensland?😀

 

Take care, and I hope you’re in a window again soon.💚

[puthappinessfirst]

On 3/20/2019 at 6:09 PM, intothewoods said:

Sorry that you woke in a wave today, puthappinessfirst. Especially after having windows two days in a row, then comes restlessness and sore, tingling arms which is terrible. But you are still happy -- it does show ☺️-- and you made it to work after all. You're probably headed home by now as it's 6ish in California. I hope the afternoon wasn't too rough and that you have a more restful evening. 

 

Looking forward to getting to know a fellow writer better!

 

Healing thoughts .... ~ Catherine

 

Thank you, C. You are so sweet! <3 

[puthappinessfirst]

14 hours ago, Carmie said:

Hi Happiness, 

 

I’m sorry you’re in a wave, but I’m so happy you’ve had lots of good days. Your brain is working hard at healing, there’s no way of avoiding windows and waves, as that is how the brain heals. We will get there in the end! 

 

You said you used to write about musicians and musical events. I go to lots of concerts and love music, as you know. Have you ever seen Keane, or Tom Chaplin in concert? I love Tom’s voice,  and even though he’s no longer with Keane he was still doing solo concerts. I’ve never seen him in concert, why doesn’t he come to Queensland?😀

 

Take care, and I hope you’re in a window again soon.💚

 

Thank you, Carmie. You light and positivity uplifts so many. I am grateful for you! I am feeling better today, I think my windows are becoming more frequent! *Knocks on wood*

 

I have not seen Keane/Tom Chaplin but that sounds like it would be a good time! I am always happy to connect with a fellow music lover. Music has kept me going through many dark moments. I listen to the same songs that are comforting to me on repeat because they calm my mind down and remind me of happy times. Music is such a gift. 

[puthappinessfirst]

Don't think I have many eyes on my topic, but going to put it out there anyway.

 

Has anyone thought that dreaming is a sign of healing??

 

This week I have had several memorable (good and bad) dreams and now that I think of it, I haven't had/remembered my dreams ever since my CT/Lexapro disaster. Wow, I am dreaming again! I had many nightmares when I was on Lexapro for a month, but those were terrifying and I think my mind was telling me something was very wrong.

[Gridley]

57 minutes ago, puthappinessfirst said:

Has anyone thought that dreaming is a sign of healing??

 

Just my opinion, but to me it is.  As I've gotten lower on my Lexapro taper, I've been dreaming (and remembering)more and more and having feelings in the dreams.  Before, no dreams, no feelings, just nullity.

 

I would take it as a good sign.

[puthappinessfirst]

2 hours ago, Gridley said:

 

Just my opinion, but to me it is.  As I've gotten lower on my Lexapro taper, I've been dreaming (and remembering)more and more and having feelings in the dreams.  Before, no dreams, no feelings, just nullity.

 

I would take it as a good sign.

 

Love seeing your progress on your Lex taper! I think I will be ready to taper my Celexa soon. I am so ready for some of these side effects to dissipate.

 

Thank you for sharing! 

[Carmie]

On 3/23/2019 at 1:15 AM, puthappinessfirst said:

 

Thank you, Carmie. You light and positivity uplifts so many. I am grateful for you! I am feeling better today, I think my windows are becoming more frequent! *Knocks on wood*

 

I have not seen Keane/Tom Chaplin but that sounds like it would be a good time! I am always happy to connect with a fellow music lover. Music has kept me going through many dark moments. I listen to the same songs that are comforting to me on repeat because they calm my mind down and remind me of happy times. Music is such a gift. 

 

YAY for more frequent windows Happiness!

 

I sometimes play the same songs over and over again too. Music certainly is a gift, I agree with you one hundred percent there. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[puthappinessfirst]

I read the hypnic jerks thread, but one gripe that I have during this process is that I cannot nap during the day. I can sleep at night with minimal issues (praise be) but if I get exhausted during the day and try to nap I'm always woken up by jerks in my legs, core, or neck. I used to nap no problem. It's so weird and I'm wondering why this is. Maybe just the daylight? Maybe my sleep schedule is so strong my body doesn't want me to sleep at any other time without my routine? Who knows...

[puthappinessfirst]

I need to start taking notes again, so I will do so here so it is easier for me (and anyone else who wants to chime in) to follow any patterns.

 

3/24

 

Anxiety- 7/10

Derealization- 5/10

Intrusive thoughts- 7/10

 

I stayed in bed all day yesterday because of a pretty high level of anxiety/agoraphobia/fear. I tried to nap, but as you can see above, couldn't because of hypnic jerks. I ran a couple errands in the morning and retired myself to my bed for the rest of the day until about 8pm. I kept funny movies on all day so that I could try and lighten the mood and try to laugh, even if I was just laying there with my eyes closed. I then went to a friends house for a movie and dinner which helped calm me a bit. I then came home a little after 10pm and fell asleep with no real issues. 

[Altostrata]

Hi, phf.

 

To make sense of a daily pattern, we need times of day for the symptoms (and, if you're taking drugs, when you take your drugs). Were any of those symptoms better or worse at particular times of day?

 

Good idea to look for laughs!

[puthappinessfirst]

Hi, @Altostrata! Thanks for coming, I appreciate it.

 

Well, yesterday, all my symptoms remained pretty steady throughout the day. Yesterday was more of a wave, I suppose. So they didn't really let up too much. I saw a friend in the evening and I always feel "safer" around familiar company, so that was probably the only time my symptoms "lessened" during the day yesterday.  

 

Typically on average, things mellow out as the day goes by. I have to give myself pep talks each morning to try and tackle the day. I have had some good days recently where things are more manageable as dare I say, mostly happy and relaxed?? The symptoms I struggle with most are racing/intrusive thoughts, anxiety, hypersensitivity to loud/abrupt noises, and hyperawareness(??). Basically, it feels like I have panoramic vision and can see every shadow/person/movement in my vision. It's pretty uncomfortable being that aware/alert all the time. 

 

I take 10mg of Celexa every evening, between 830pm and 9pm. I've been here for 2 months now.

 

Also, I did 3 days of specific, detailed journaling on page 2 of my thread. I know I should keep this up, just wanted to let you know in case you looked over it

[Altostrata]

Have you found that Celexa makes you sleepy?

 

Over the last 2 months, how have your symptoms changed?

 

It seems you may be hypersensitive to the normal early-morning cortisol spike. This might be helpful Waking with panic or anxiety -- managing cortisol spikes

 

Tips to help sleep -- so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

[puthappinessfirst]

4 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Have you found that Celexa makes you sleepy?

 

 

Before my CT, Celexa made me incredibly sleepy. I'd get 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night. On the weekends if I had nothing to do I'd often take a 2 hour nap midday. 

Now, I wish I could nap midday, but can't because of the muscle jerks. 

 

7 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Over the last 2 months, how have your symptoms changed?

 

 

-I would say that the morning cortisol has lessened. I used to shoot up in the mornings. Now, I wake up abruptly, but don't feel like I am being propelled from a cannon. 

-I am sleeping better. I used to wake up 3 or 4 times in the night. Now, maybe 1 or 2 times. Sometimes not at all. Luckily, I have no issues actually falling asleep. 

-Akathisia has improved. I don't feel the need to try and work out hard in the morning or run laps around my living room because of the restlessness. I still have inner vibrations/tremors, but they are very much less than what I was dealing with before. 

-I had really bad burning brain in the beginning. Now not so much. Maybe once in a while and it comes and goes quickly. 

 

I personally feel like the anxiety/hypersensitivity/racing thoughts have stayed pretty much the same since reinstatement. They often reach high levels but I am currently in therapy, getting massage/acupuncture/meditating/practicing deep breathing to help alleviate what I can of it. 

 

I am interested in trying a 5% taper soon. 

[Altostrata]

It seems you are stabilizing. I'd give it another few months.

[puthappinessfirst]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

It seems you are stabilizing. I'd give it another few months.

 

Ohhh, Alto, Alto... Not what I wanted to hear, but thank you for letting me know I need to hold on a bit. Much appreciated!

[puthappinessfirst]

I'm really bad at keeping daily notes.

 

I have decided to download the WD symptoms checklist so that it's easy and simple for me to check off and reflect on. 

 

Right now I am toying with the idea of trying L-Theanine and NAC. Of course, one at a time. 

The anxiety is crushing me. 

[Carmie]

Hi Happiness, 

 

I’m really sorry you’re struggling so much. It’s quite a rollercoaster ride, isn’t it? Just wanted to pop around and send you some hugs🤗

[puthappinessfirst]

Hi @Carmie

 

Thank you for popping by! It is always great to "hear" from you. 

 

Thanks for the virtual hug, it really helps ❤️ 

[puthappinessfirst]

@Carmie, I have decided:

 

Both @intothewoods and I will make a trip out there one day to see you and enjoy a concert together! Yay! I am manifesting this. 

[intothewoods]

Wow, @puthappinessfirst, that is one fantastic idea. Count me in. Business class across the Pacific! (best for post-WD psyches ✈️ 😂)

[puthappinessfirst]

1 hour ago, intothewoods said:

Wow, @puthappinessfirst, that is one fantastic idea. Count me in. Business class across the Pacific! (best for post-WD psyches ✈️ 😂)

 

Business class would be NICE. Gotta get my traveler's credit card started so I have some miles to use 😂

[Carmie]

🎤🎼🎹🎻🎸🎺🎷🥁🎫💃👍😁

[puthappinessfirst]

Last night I went to a yoga for anxiety workshop. It uses a CBT workbook as a guide! Very cool.

 

It was a tiny class, just 4 of us, including the instructor, but good for me. 

 

We spoke about sleep and I mentioned waking up with terrible anxiety/panic. 

She suggested maybe it was med-related. (I mentioned I take meds.)

I said, "Funny you should mention that..." and told her my whole story as you all know it. 

 

She empathized and seemed to know about online communities that focus on withdrawal and how hard psych meds are to come off of. 

She's also a psychologist. Very good connection. 

[Gridley]

23 minutes ago, puthappinessfirst said:

 

 

She empathized and seemed to know about online communities that focus on withdrawal and how hard psych meds are to come off of. 

 

 

That is a great connection, puthappinessfirst.  It is so helpful and, unfortunately, rare,  to find someone who "gets" it.  I'm very happy for you.   

[withhopeinmyheart]

That's always great to have someone out there who understands. 

[puthappinessfirst]

On 4/11/2019 at 5:16 PM, Gridley said:

That is a great connection, puthappinessfirst.  It is so helpful and, unfortunately, rare,  to find someone who "gets" it.  I'm very happy for you.   

 

Thank you, Gridley. I went again this week and it was again very good. 

 

She actually goes in depth into explaining limbic healing and para/sympathetic nervous system. I'm learning some good stuff. 

I feel like she probably knows more than my doctor about it all... Probably because she doesn't prescribe meds as she's a psychologist. 

[puthappinessfirst]

On 4/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, withhopeinmyheart said:

That's always great to have someone out there who understands. 

 

100000000%

 

Hope you're hanging in there, friend!