puthappinessfirst: starting the fight

[Carmie]

Hi Happiness, 

 

I’m so sorry to hear about your dog, sending hugs🤗

[puthappinessfirst]

@sunnysideup69

 

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you! I hope your stabilization is continuing well. It took me 5 mos to feel good enough to start my taper, so don't worry. It'll continue to get better and more level. 

 

I'm glad to hear your part time work is helping you. I also really enjoy my work and it gets me out of the house with purpose. I hope the new year continues to treat you well... stabilization is on the horizon. Keep in touch! ❤

[Carmie]

Hi Happiness, 

 

Thinking of you and hope you’re coping okay🧡

[puthappinessfirst]

20 minutes ago, Carmie said:

Hi Happiness, 

 

Thinking of you and hope you’re coping okay🧡

 

Hi dear. Thank you for popping in, it's always much appreciated!

 

Things are going well and while a handful of withdrawal symptoms come and go frequently, they're not bad enough to keep me down. I'm managing pretty well most days. I'm tapering at the rate my body is comfortable with and I don't have set dates for anything (when my taper should be finished, when I'm tapering next, etc.). 

 

Sending hugs your way!

[Rozon1]

@puthappinessfirst what was your bout of akathisia like? just curious. 

[Carmie]

2 hours ago, puthappinessfirst said:

 

Hi dear. Thank you for popping in, it's always much appreciated!

 

Things are going well and while a handful of withdrawal symptoms come and go frequently, they're not bad enough to keep me down. I'm managing pretty well most days. I'm tapering at the rate my body is comfortable with and I don't have set dates for anything (when my taper should be finished, when I'm tapering next, etc.). 

 

Sending hugs your way!

That’s the way to do it Happiness, 

 

I’m the same. I go according to what my body can tolerate too. Every taper is so different and one can’t go according to a schedule. My last few tapers haven’t been too bad, I seem to be in withdrawal normal, but I still get waves. When they come I just keep distracting myself. My last drop was 3.4%. I can’t do high drops like 10% otherwise I get severe akathisia.

 

Keep listening to your body, you are doing amazing🧡
 

 

[puthappinessfirst]

19 hours ago, Rozon1 said:

@puthappinessfirst what was your bout of akathisia like? just curious. 

 

Akathisia is hard to explain as it's difficult to convey the severity and how unnatural and how uncomfortable it is.

 

But to me, it felt like I was consistently plugged into an electrical socket. Always felt agitated and turned "on." I had so much restlessness that it was hard to sleep, eat, focus on anything else. I ran laps in my living room and did exercises in the morning to try and help expel some of the extra energy. It felt like I had restless legs all over my body and my heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird's. 

 

On top of that, was flooded with persistent suicidal thoughts, extreme anxiety, fear/doom, OCD symptoms, and wasn't able to feel joy in anything.

[Rozon1]

@puthappinessfirst how long did it last for you? What made it stop?

[puthappinessfirst]

4 minutes ago, Rozon1 said:

@puthappinessfirst how long did it last for you? What made it stop?

 

The things that helped me most were/are magnesium glycinate, a weighed blanket, fish oil, keeping a consistent sleep schedule, gentle walks (30ish mins daily), hot showers/baths, massages, and distractions like YouTube. 

 

I still get little bouts of it from time to time but nothing like before. It just takes time for the CNS to calm down considerably. 

[Snorky]

12 hours ago, puthappinessfirst said:

 

Akathisia is hard to explain as it's difficult to convey the severity and how unnatural and how uncomfortable it is.

 

But to me, it felt like I was consistently plugged into an electrical socket. Always felt agitated and turned "on." I had so much restlessness that it was hard to sleep, eat, focus on anything else. I ran laps in my living room and did exercises in the morning to try and help expel some of the extra energy. It felt like I had restless legs all over my body and my heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird's. 

 

On top of that, was flooded with persistent suicidal thoughts, extreme anxiety, fear/doom, OCD symptoms, and wasn't able to feel joy in anything.

Hi P 

 

Glad you’re on the mend. I foolishly CT amitriptyline five months ago and experiencing severe and deteriorating psycho symptoms. Thank God, I don’t have the full blown akathasia, but can relate to much in your last paragraph, those feelings coupled with a sort of internal restlessness.  The killer for me is the depressive sensation coupled with restlessness and anhedonia. Obviously missing my motivation and reward neurons?

 

God bless you.

[Carmie]

20 hours ago, puthappinessfirst said:

 

Akathisia is hard to explain as it's difficult to convey the severity and how unnatural and how uncomfortable it is.

 

But to me, it felt like I was consistently plugged into an electrical socket. Always felt agitated and turned "on." I had so much restlessness that it was hard to sleep, eat, focus on anything else. I ran laps in my living room and did exercises in the morning to try and help expel some of the extra energy. It felt like I had restless legs all over my body and my heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird's. 

 

On top of that, was flooded with persistent suicidal thoughts, extreme anxiety, fear/doom, OCD symptoms, and wasn't able to feel joy in anything.

 

Hi Happiness, 

 

It is hard to describe akathisia, it really is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but well done for the description here. I don’t have it at the moment, but it’s always in the back of my mind how horrific it is. 
 

Hope you’re coping okay today, sending hugs🤗

 

 

[puthappinessfirst]

7 hours ago, Snorky said:

Hi P 

 

Glad you’re on the mend. I foolishly CT amitriptyline five months ago and experiencing severe and deteriorating psycho symptoms. Thank God, I don’t have the full blown akathasia, but can relate to much in your last paragraph, those feelings coupled with a sort of internal restlessness.  The killer for me is the depressive sensation coupled with restlessness and anhedonia. Obviously missing my motivation and reward neurons?

 

God bless you.

 

You will make it through this! Don't try to worry too much about what neurotransmitters are doing what and all that... it can be too overwhelming and frustrating to try and figure all that out when you're in the middle of it. Just focus on your diet, sleep, and distraction. Show yourself as much kindness as possible.

4 minutes ago, Carmie said:

 

Hi Happiness, 

 

It is hard to describe akathisia, it really is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but well done for the description here. I don’t have it at the moment, but it’s always in the back of my mind how horrific it is. 
 

Hope you’re coping okay today, sending hugs🤗

 

 

 

It is always in the back of my mind as well, C. It truly left me with some PTSD, as it is so horrific, as you said.

 

Hugs back! 

[Carmie]

I’m with you there Happiness, 

 

Having has akathisia, it certainly gives you PTSD. It’s really like being tortured, I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life. If I taper too quickly I get it again. I’m tapering under 4% and I’m still going through waves, but as long as I don’t get the intense akathisia I can bear anything else that happens in withdrawals. 
 

I feel for people on this site that are still going through akathisia, that they’ve had for a long time. My heart breaks for them🧡

[puthappinessfirst]

5 minutes ago, Carmie said:

I’m with you there Happiness, 

 

Having has akathisia, it certainly gives you PTSD. It’s really like being tortured, I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life. If I taper too quickly I get it again. I’m tapering under 4% and I’m still going through waves, but as long as I don’t get the intense akathisia I can bear anything else that happens in withdrawals. 
 

I feel for people on this site that are still going through akathisia, that they’ve had for a long time. My heart breaks for them🧡

 

Waves are horrible, but akathisia is much worse and I agree, as long as that is mostly under control, everything else is more manageable. 

 

Let's continue to send our thoughts to the people still fighting through it ❤ Theyll make it. 

[Snorky]

15 minutes ago, puthappinessfirst said:

 

You will make it through this! Don't try to worry too much about what neurotransmitters are doing what and all that... it can be too overwhelming and frustrating to try and figure all that out when you're in the middle of it. Just focus on your diet, sleep, and distraction. Show yourself as much kindness as possible.

 

It is always in the back of my mind as well, C. It truly left me with some PTSD, as it is so horrific, as you said.

 

Hugs back! 

Thanks P

 

Night times and early morning terrifying now. 

 

1. Go to bed.

2. Sleep about two hours max.

3. Wake initially with mental anguish/tightening feeling.

4. Fear and terror caused by irrational fears, loneliness, restlessness and depression.

 

Not great at moment. Keep thinking there’s a chemical basis to this, else why so bad and still deteriorating??

 

Thank you.

[puthappinessfirst]

@Snorky

 

What really helped me also was pulling up YouTube on my cell phone, finding a quiet guided meditation video or soothing nature sounds or a spiritual podcast, and listening to it with headphones in. I'd do that and just lay in bed with my eyes closed. Even if it didn't completely calm me down, it helped soothe me for a few minutes at least. It helped me keep track of my breathing and distract me in a calming, positive way.

 

Hugs! 

[Snorky]

1 hour ago, puthappinessfirst said:

@Snorky

 

What really helped me also was pulling up YouTube on my cell phone, finding a quiet guided meditation video or soothing nature sounds or a spiritual podcast, and listening to it with headphones in. I'd do that and just lay in bed with my eyes closed. Even if it didn't completely calm me down, it helped soothe me for a few minutes at least. It helped me keep track of my breathing and distract me in a calming, positive way.

 

Hugs! 

Thanks again P

 

Have also recently started 121 therapy sessions. Have been given all manner of meditation apps etc, so will try those. The truly terrifying thing for me is that the symptoms are still deteriorating, even five months in. You could almost do with a forum on “how bad can it get”, in addition to all the other info on waves and windows etc. 

[puthappinessfirst]

@Snorky

 

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. 6 months or so is still early days. You arent doomed! 

[Rozon1]

@puthappinessfirst I think I have a form of Akathisia to be honest. It’s so over whelming. I can’t sleep much or anything. It’s literally debilitating. Considered reinstating to get rid of it. Not sure that’ll help since it’s been 3 months or just to tough it out.

[puthappinessfirst]

@Rozon1 I got it from trying a new med that was much higher in strength than my original med after being off from a cold turkey for 5 or 6 months. 

 

Reinstatement is a gamble, it could go either way. It is a tough decision. You may want to consult with your support system and/or mods to help you assess.

[Rozon1]

@puthappinessfirst mine isn’t always constant. I have waves when I don’t have it. I saw you got it from switching to lexapro? How are you doing now? Do you feel your emotions are still blunted, etc?

[puthappinessfirst]

4 hours ago, Rozon1 said:

@puthappinessfirst mine isn’t always constant. I have waves when I don’t have it. I saw you got it from switching to lexapro? How are you doing now? Do you feel your emotions are still blunted, etc?

 

I'm a lot better now, feeling all the emotions, enjoying outings with friends/ family, laughing at tv shows/ movies, listening to music I enjoy etc. 

 

If your akathisia isn't constant then that's a good thing. 

[Rozon1]

I mean, @puthappinessfirst im actually not sure. I don't constantly have the feeling of I have to move. I have windows where I don't think about it. I'm just not sure what to think. I've had bouts where I had to move because of inner restlessness. Then I have terrible anxiety. The anxiety is constant almost with few windows. I'm just not sure if I should reinstate to the same drug(That was giving me terrible symptoms) or stay off of it. I'm just in anguish

[Snorky]

I also have whaI describe as an inner restlessness.  It seems to make the depressive waves worse, constantly thinking of time and what other people are doing etc. I'm also having great difficulty trying to do activities which would help me. E.g., tried long walks with family, listening to podcasts, YouTube videos that I used to enjoy. Unable to draw enjoyment or escape from these at the moment. 

 

 I'm also thinking of reinstating and have posted queries for mods on my main intro section. In my case it's:

 

1. How many beads of med should I try?

2. Chances of success when not taken this med for > 12 months.

3. How will I detect adverse reaction as opposed to just stabilising?

 

No replies yet.

 

Good luck to both of you in your respective journies.

 

 

[Snorky]

Almost forgot something. My sleep ritual is further complicates. When I eventually drop off, I often have stressful dreams. I wouldn’t say they were nightmares exactly, more random negative events (not being served in a store, some kid throwing stones at me etc)

 

Did either of you experience this?

 

Thanks again

[puthappinessfirst]

Just adding this for my own reference...

 

List of meds given for my laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis on Tuesday, June 9th.

 

bupivacaine/epiNEPHrine - local anesthetic
ceFAZolin (ANCEF, KEFZOL) - antibiotics
HYDROmorphone (DILAUDID) - pain medication
hydrOXYzine pamoate (VISTARIL) - antihistamine 
midazolam (VERSED) Inj 1 mg - sedative 
sodium & potassium bicarbonate (ALKA SELTZER GOLD) - to prevent reflux 

[Frogie]

6 hours ago, puthappinessfirst said:

Just adding this for my own reference...

 

List of meds given for my laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis on Tuesday, June 9th.

 

bupivacaine/epiNEPHrine - local anesthetic
ceFAZolin (ANCEF, KEFZOL) - antibiotics
HYDROmorphone (DILAUDID) - pain medication
hydrOXYzine pamoate (VISTARIL) - antihistamine 
midazolam (VERSED) Inj 1 mg - sedative 
sodium & potassium bicarbonate (ALKA SELTZER GOLD) - to prevent reflux 

I hope your surgery went well.

 

 I had a hysterectomy in 1996 for endometriosis.

 

You’ll feel better in no time 😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[Glosmom]

Yes....wishing you a speedy return to feeling good after your surgery!

[SolarPlexus]

On 1/24/2019 at 9:35 PM, puthappinessfirst said:

Hello! I live in California and am a 27 year old female. 

 

I had been on Celexa 10mg since I was around 15 years old for anxiety. I quite cold turkey (stupid me, I know, but I never heard or knew about the side effects of withdrawal/detox) in June or July of 2018. I actually had no symptoms for 4 months, I felt really good. I got more active and outgoing. On Thanksgiving I had a panic attack that I managed to get over after a full couple days, so I decided to re-start my Celexa. 2 weeks back on my Celexa... December came and I was sitting at my desk, doing some work, I felt a wave of depression wash over me like nothing I have ever experienced before. I felt impending doom, hopelessness, sadness. It felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. I couldn't function. I stayed home from work for 2 weeks.

 

During that time I went crawling in hopelessness to my general doctor and she said that maybe Celexa just wasn't working for me anymore. Which, in hindsight, doesn't make sense since I had only been back on for 2 weeks. So she switched me to Lexapro at 10mg. I took my dose diligently and for the first couple weeks I felt my mood lift, but the body jolts and insomnia and dilated pupils were scary. Then come the most recent few weeks. My anxiety has spiked to unimaginable levels which has spiked hyper-vigilance (is that shadow a shadow? did you hear that?), terrible bouts of OCD, akathisia, and the insomnia has persisted. After about 5 weeks at 10mg of Lexapro I thought, wow, screw this, and messaged my doc. She told me to start cutting my pills in half and taper for a week. I cut my pills in half for a couple days then switched back to my 10mg of Celexa because Lexapro is obviously messing up my CNS and my overall health. 

 

So here I am, on Celexa 10mg after some back and forth but I am determined to taper, but it is intimidating. I have been on this med for SO LONG, I don't know how long I should taper. I see the doctor next week and am going to ask for liquid Celexa so I can taper. I will also be asking for taper advice, but this forum has been a great insight. Anyone have any insight on tapering after years and years of use? 

Hi @puthappinessfirst. I hope you are feeling better. Don't know how your anxiety level is now but two books that really helped me with severe anxiety during the early stages of withdrawal are "Dare" by Barry McDonagh and "Hope and help for your nerves" by Claire Weekes. Both brilliant. Wishing us all best of luck in our recovery 

[puthappinessfirst]

Thank you @Frogie and @Glosmom! Appreciate the well wishes from you both. 

 

I had endometriosis everywhere and my tubes/ovaries were all jumbled and messed up. I had a lot of stuff done. Excision of endometriosis and scar tissue, removal of fluid from a ruptured cyst, a D&C. I'll be laying low for a few weeks and should be back to my normal routines in a couple months or so. 

 

Healing feels like it's on track, but it ain't easy. As we all know. I'm just trying to rest as much as possible! 

[puthappinessfirst]

@SolarPlexus thank you!

 

I absolutely love Claire Weekes.

[Frogie]

43 minutes ago, puthappinessfirst said:

Thank you @Frogie and @Glosmom! Appreciate the well wishes from you both. 

 

I had endometriosis everywhere and my tubes/ovaries were all jumbled and messed up. I had a lot of stuff done. Excision of endometriosis and scar tissue, removal of fluid from a ruptured cyst, a D&C. I'll be laying low for a few weeks and should be back to my normal routines in a couple months or so. 

 

Healing feels like it's on track, but it ain't easy. As we all know. I'm just trying to rest as much as possible! 

I’m glad it all went well for you.

 

You’ll feel so much better when the healing begins.

 

Just rest and take care of yourself 😊

 

Frogie xx

[sunnysideup69]

Hello, good to see you here. Hope surgery went well. How are you doing, mood wise? Hoping the WDs aren't too bad at the mo. Sending love from London x

[puthappinessfirst]

8 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Hello, good to see you here. Hope surgery went well. How are you doing, mood wise? Hoping the WDs aren't too bad at the mo. Sending love from London x

 

Hi! Been a minute. Nice to "see" you again too 🙂

 

Mood wise, I am ok actually. I had a good amount of fear and anxiety around surgery- going into it and whatnot. And now as I am slowly healing, I still get strong pings of anxiety and stuff... but that's normal with healing of both the body and mind. I am just trying to stay as calm and be as gentle with myself as much as possible.

 

As far as wd goes, I've been itching to taper again for a while, but I didn't want anything to interfere with my surgery/healing. Recovering from surgery while experiencing an uptick in wd symptoms doesn't sound very fun. So once I am feeling better from all this, I will taper. No date, just listening to my body. 

 

How are you dear @sunnysideup69??

[sunnysideup69]

Oh, I'm glad you're feeling ok...no, WDs and recovery from surgery would NOT be fun together, for sure.

 

I'm actually doing okay, given bereavements that happened back in April, the pandemic/isolation and all the other strangeness of this year. I'm still having some mild waves but generally I'm at a kind of tolerable WD normal these days. Not feeling great but not terrible either. And I do get some nice windows. Considering everything, I'll take that as progress.Today has been a bit of a low day, but they come and go....

 

I'm just going to tick along until the end of summer and then review whether I could begin to make a very small cut. I do get impatient to be off these drugs. But it's gonna be a long haul for me  

 

 

[puthappinessfirst]

3 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Oh, I'm glad you're feeling ok...no, WDs and recovery from surgery would NOT be fun together, for sure.

 

I'm actually doing okay, given bereavements that happened back in April, the pandemic/isolation and all the other strangeness of this year. I'm still having some mild waves but generally I'm at a kind of tolerable WD normal these days. Not feeling great but not terrible either. And I do get some nice windows. Considering everything, I'll take that as progress.Today has been a bit of a low day, but they come and go....

 

I'm just going to tick along until the end of summer and then review whether I could begin to make a very small cut. I do get impatient to be off these drugs. But it's gonna be a long haul for me  

 

 

 

That absolutely does sound like improvement! Baby steps, each and every day. Until they add up to some nice, big steps of progress. I remember when you were first getting on this site and feeling so miserable 100% of the time.  

 

I'm really glad to hear things are leveling out more and more for you 🙂