withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

January 26, 2019

Hello everyone,

I'm a 32 year old female from Germany. Over there I'm in quite the similar forum which already helps tremendously.

But I finally decided to sign up here, too. For more support, more hope, more people who understand...

I have been mildly depressed for some time because I couldn't handle my physical chronic illness well, anymore. I went to a good therapy. But when I experienced some anxiety issues for the first time in my life I got scared and sadly decided to try Escitalopram.

While in hospital for some physical diagnostics in August 2015 I was put on 5mg up to 20mg Escitalopram without any big problems.

I continued therapy for another one and a half years and actually felt great.

I was one of the lucky people who didn't suffer from any side effects other than a bit of weight gain.

In 2017 I went down to 10mg without any problems.

Then it was finally time for hubby and me to try to conceive. But before that, the meds had to go.

My psychiatrist at the time was nice but, as I know now, clueless. She recommended a quick taper, as stated in my signature and told me I could "get some brain zaps".

I tapered and was off in June 2018. I know now I definitely had that honeymoon phase. I felt wonderful.

Hubby and I started trying for a baby!

Over the summer I had some symptoms that I recognized as withdrawal symptoms. Because now I already knew the German forum. But only on the surface.

Had I dug deeper and read through some stories, I would have known that you can crash with some delay.

Which is what I did.

I fell on October 1 and landed on October 2 in a different, nightmarish world. Everything was so different. Everything!

I was a happy woman up until those days.

My symptoms at the beginning:

akathisia, extreme anxiety all the time, insomnia, including two weeks of complete insomnia, extreme fatigue, muscle tension and pain, diarrhea, massive derealization, crying spells, despair, heart racing and palpitations, bladder problems, hopelessness, stomach problems and more which I might have forgotten.

By then I knew there was no point in seeing a doctor. I was bedridden anyway. And I knew this was withdrawal hell.

The German forum advised me to reinstate. I did, at 0.25.

There was a first little window right after the first dose but overall, I was still in hell.

Over time I carefully updosed to 0.35, then later to 0.5 and then, right the next day, because I was so desperate, to 0.6.

That's when a different kind of hell broke loose. I felt cornered by my symptoms, I had no room anymore, I couldn't breathe. I was so agitated, my nerves tingling, vomiting, pulse up to 160. Never ever could I survive this. I even got scared I might be able to harm myself. This turned into obsessive thoughts and panic, that I might really be able to end my life, without ever really wanting it.

German Forum told me to go back to 0.5 after just a couple of days. I did, but it still took time for those very drastic effects to settle...

I couldn't be left alone anymore. I've been lucky to have my husband and mother, sister, friends. Someone was always there.

In mid December my grandma jumped in. She lives next door but I couldn't have seen her and scared her before then because I was in such bad shape.

But from then on she was happy to take care of me whenever needed.

So... I've been holding the dose since the end of November and am going to continue to hold.

I'm still more or less housebound. I got agoraphobic, the world seems to big for me. Just some little steps outside the door, nothing more. I'm still in a different world. I never feel save. I do sleep okayish at night but never at daytime because I jolt in terror when I try.

I'm terrified by the withdrawal.

I'm hopeless and anhedonic, don't have any interest and don't do much.

I feel bad writing this. But... I had improvements. Like no more non stop anxiety, no akathisia, I eat, I sleep, I'm not bedridden anymore, hardly any derealization...

But the thing is. I'm so terrified. Frozen in fear and feel like I can't trust those improvements.

Especially because everybody says it's normal that withdrawal takes years.

So why should it be different for me?

Did reinstating catch me? Or is crashing hard and suffering for years inevitable for me, as it was for most of you?

I don't know who I am and where I stand anymore. I can't trust my body anymore.

I'm going through typical windows and waves, though somehow faster than others. I seem to improve faster but cannot trust that.

And I feel ashamed whining about that because I know you all have been suffering for long and probably wish you'd feel that kind of progress.

I don't even know what living and being happy is supposed to feel like anymore.

Will I notice it? Will I know when it's over for me, even when I'm now frozen in fear and feel like I'm not really growing with my improvements?

Withdrawal turned me into a child, which is not typically me.

It's weird. I am still going through this but am already haunted by the very bad memories. Do you know this?

I know lots of affirmations, I pray, I read success stories, I follow Baylissa's wise words.

But still acceptance is my weak point. I can't seem to do it. Or rarely.

I'm floating through all this with a feeling of nothing to hold on to, despite knowing that I have my wonderful family and friends. Like life is over...

I don't ever move freely, feel relaxed. I'm so scared I won't be able to find my way back. That I will remain frozen, even after withdrawal is over.

I can't really try things or look at things from normal life because it depresses and scares me so much. Desperate...

TV, computer and reading are almost impossible for me. So what can I do?

I come online on my mobile.

What I do to help me: focus on breathing. Taking fish oil and magnesium. Gaba tea.

Some game playing with grandma. Eat. Luckily I can eat everything like before. Drink enough. Pray. Have people around me.

What I can't do: guided meditation, relaxing music, yoga... Stuff like that.

When I try, terror jumps at me. As if there's a door open in my brain that should be closed.

Taking baths is a NO. Memories of horrible waves...

Will I forever see and feel withdrawal everywhere? My home doesn't feel the same anymore.

All that exists is withdrawal and I'm so scared that won't ever change.

Phew, that's a lot.

Thanks for reading!

Oh! Two more things: luckily I didn't get pregnant over summer! Just the thought of it, in this situation!

And my screen name. While I feel devastatingly hopeless inside, I think almost all of us have that glimmer of hope in our hearts. That spark that makes us continue, day by day. Even if we don't realize it.

I wish you healing!

withhopeinmyheart

January 27, 2019

Hi, Withhope.

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants (SA).

Do you feel like your reinstatement was helpful?

Here is some information about reinstating and tapering here on SA. It may be similar what you've come across on the German forums.

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain

Healing from antidepressants. Patterns of recovery video (4 minutes)

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

You mention taking magnesium and fish oil. Please add those and any other supplements to your signature.

Please continue to use this thread to document your taper and to ask questions.

January 27, 2019

Hi Shep,

thank thank you for welcoming me here!

You're right, I know a lot of this info from the German forums.

I now added everything I take to my signature.

Yes, I think reinstating helps me. I had windows since the first dose.

I'm still terrified about when it'll be my time to stabilize. I'm not really functional where I am now.

I only know I am far from tapering.

January 28, 2019

19 hours ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Yes, I think reinstating helps me. I had windows since the first dose.

I'm still terrified about when it'll be my time to stabilize. I'm not really functional where I am now.

I only know I am far from tapering.

Are you dealing with a lot of catastrophic thinking? That can make this process a lot worse and if you're frozen in fear, this can keep you from being able to continue with your taper.

Here are some links to help:

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Neuro-emotion

Fear, terror, panic, and anxiety

Dr. Claire Weekes - podcasts for handling anxiety

You have "L-Thyroxin 50 for Hashimoto's" in your signature - when was the last time you had your thyroid checked?

Please see:

Thyroid symptoms: hypothyroid, Hashimoto's

19 hours ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

I had windows since the first dose.

How often are you having windows now?

This will give you an idea of when it's safe to taper. Please note that it's not about getting well before tapering, but being in what Brassmonkey calls Withdrawal Normal:

Brassmonkey - WDNormal

January 28, 2019

Hi withhopeinmyheart,

I don’t have the brain power to read your whole introduction at the moment, but I wanted to say welcome to SA from me too.

I’m sorry you’re feeling such fear, but we will all there in the end. Please have a look at the links above that Shep gave you. I like Claire Weekes, check out that link. She helps us not to put fear on top of fear. When we live in terror we make our symptoms worse. I know it’s not easy, the symptoms we get can be horrific, but we have to try and help ourselves.

I was born in Germany, by the way.

Take care, sending hugs🤗

January 28, 2019

Hi Shep,

thanks for all the info! I definitely already know about the Neuro-Emotions and emotional spirals. And about WDnormal. I will read all the rest whenever my brain lets me.

Umm, catastrophic thinking. Yes, especially in the beginning of all this. But I'm trying hard not to. Using breathing techniques and Baylissa's wise words. Just anything that speaks to me during those times.

Also telling myself over and over again that this is not me but my brain. Healing in action!

My thyroid was checked last in fall 2017. Next appointment is in March. I really hope I can make it there because only little walks outside have been possible since withdrawal started.

I was originally on 75 L-Thyroxin but with withdrawal I decided to lower the dose because it suddenly seemed not right anymore.

I'm aware this should be done with a doctor but I didn't really have a choice. The lower dose seemed to help get the anxiety down a bit.

To be honest, I understand WDnormal and find it very logical.

But my wish is to start tapering after having been fine for a while. I need a break.

Oh, and I have windows every day. Different ones. Every day I feel my brain do stuff.

I'm having weird sensations in my head all the time and can often feel the tiniest thing got better even though I can't put my finger on what exactly got better.

It's weird but from what I read about others it feels as if I'm going through withdrawals in high speed. Which might be because I reinstated. And it's much more exhausting than it sounds. I never really know where I'm at. My WDnormal is constantly changing.

I'm really having this fear of maybe not being able to recognize when it's over.

I'm haunted by how bad it was in the beginning. Memories jump at me. I sometimes don't know is it the bad memories or do I feel like this now...

The feeling of impending doom doesn't make it better...

German forums even said that maybe I'm traumatized by withdrawal itself.

But to do something about it I also need to wait for stability...

Carmie, thank you for the warm welcome! Hugs to you, too!

I'll definitely read anything that could help me.

Mediation is still difficult because of the weird terror jumping at me when I try.

But I'm gonna try again. With Claire Weekes and also Eckhart Tolle.

January 30, 2019

Hello everybody,

Meh, surely withdrawals AND menstruation isn't fun. The crying spells....

My fourth month going through this.

I feel slight burning sensations in my brain every day now. A lot going on in there.

And I feel that maybe waking up today wasn't exactly as bad as before.

Sigh...

January 30, 2019

I relate to you so much, Hope. Even your screen name speaks to me.. we are both trying to stay positive.

You can read my intro for more about me/my journey, but I am feeling the akithisia, panic, terror, fear, hopelessness you are. Catastrophizing everything.... Luckily I have an amazingly supportive family in my parents. They want me to feel better so badly, as do I. I reinstated my full dose of Celexa and hopefully will feel heaps better in a few weeks.

January 30, 2019

So we're now Happiness and Hope? 😊

Oh yes, I'm lucky as well to have family and friends around me.

And the catastrophizing... Yeah, I was just so shocked by all this. I couldn't accept it at all, as it just should not have happened. To any of us.

But while I'm not the best with coping and accepting, the import thing is, I still keep going. I have to. We all have to.

January 30, 2019

Thanks for posting on my thread earlier.

You have really been through it with those symptoms you mentioned so I’m glad some of them have eased for you.

Acceptance is a struggle for me too especially when we have no idea how long this will last for.

Try to look at the positives in that some symptoms have gone so your body is adjusting and healing.

Your right I’m that we have to keep fighting through this as surely improvement will come as shown by all the people that have been there before us.

Take care.

January 31, 2019

Hi Withhopeinmyheart,

Yes, the important thing is just to keep going. Take a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time. It’s not easy at times, but just know that each day is a day closer to healing.

Coping and acceptance is hard, but you will get there. Once we learn to accept that we are in this situation we will start looking for positive things we can do to cope with it.

You say that you cant watch movies, use your computer or read. Do you like music? Can you tolerate sound? If you can maybe listen to music for distraction. One thing I find that is great to do when waves are bad are diamond paintings. They are canvases with beautiful pictures that you stick little resin beads on, they are really easy to do, and you will have something nice to stick on your wall afterwards that will make you smile. I’ve got sixteen on my bedroom wall, and I love waking up to the happy pictures. I just stick them on my wall with bour tack.

I actually have a “happy wall” in my bedroom where I put all sorts of cheery things, including balloons, fairy lights, positive sayings, art etc. Maybe you could make yourself a happy wall in your bedroom seeing you’re housebound. It does cheer one up.

The diamond paintings have numbers and letters on them and you just stick the resin beads on the ones they go on. It’s really easy and it’s an amazing distraction that doesn’t take much brainpower. They are quite cheap on eBay. I’ve done so many of them. You can frame them and give them away as presents too. Colouring in books are a good too, my friend gave me a couple of nice nature ones recently. I’ve done heaps of colouring in in the past when going through waves too.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery 💚

January 31, 2019

Hi Carmie,

thank you so much! 💙

Umm, I can't listen to music for long. Just little bits.

I noticed that I can watch a little TV in the evenings, but also not much.

It's great that you do diamond paintings! I've never done one but I'm very much into coloring books normally.

Normally, because here's what happened...

When I crashed, the whole world changed. I'm sure many of you know this. The world looks and feels different. Nightmarish. Just because of withdrawal.

Even when in the bad waves, I tried to continue coloring. But at some point I think it turned into a trigger for me...?

Coloring and lots of other things now remind me of the REALLY bad situations. Is this weird? I'm so unsure about this. I mean, how do you overcome trauma while still in the traumatic situation?

I yearn for the things I used to love. But now I don't love anything.

I spend time with grandma, playing dice.

Or doing crossword on my phone. Or other games for the brain.

And if I'm able to, a short walk outside.

That's it.

Will we all feel safe again?

Today's improvement: palpitation lessened a bit.

And I got some rest over noon. With seconds of sleep here and there.

February 1, 2019

Hi Hope,

I’m sorry colouring in and other distractions are triggering for you now. I’m glad you’re still finding some good distractions in playing games. I’m sure you’re grandma would love playing games with you. Words With Friends is fun too. I used to play a lot of it a while back when going through waves. I actually have an old fashioned paper crossword book.😀

Yes, one of these days you will feel safe again. All we can do when going through waves is to find coping tools and distractions that work for us. Everyone is different. Some days all we can do is take each minute as it comes. I love photography, and I found editing photos when in waves was an amazing distraction too. Do you like photography?

Have you checked out the Claire Weekes link Shep gave you? If you go to YouTube too there are quite a few other Claire Weekes videos. She has such a kind voice, it’s actually really calming just hearing her talk.

Take care, sending hugs🤗

February 2, 2019

Hi Carmie, hugs to you, too! 🧡

Yeah it's not the easiest for me to find distractions. I actually do play with my grandma. She loves it, hehe.

Oh, photography is nice! And editing. As a teenager and in my 20s I used to Photoshop a lot, make graphics and stuff...

And right before I crashed I started to digitalize and edit our old 📼 home videos. Fun!

But now I can't use the computer much.

Yep, started to listen to Claire Weekes. You're right, her voice alone is comforting.

I seem to only be able to listen to short bits at a time before my brain stops following. But I'll get there.

I'd like to tell you guys about my main problem during withdrawal.

As I mentioned in my first post, after updosing too much, I had crazy obsessive and intrusive thoughts about maybe being able to end my life without wanting it. But still doing it...

The obsessive thoughts went away but today I noticed the fear is still there.

And is actually the main cause of my fear during withdrawal.

I hate having to trust the drug while still reinstating. And of course these drugs can make you suicidal, too.

Basically, that's why I'm so tense, hardly able to fully relax physically and afraid.

I have this fear of killing myself without even feeling the wish to do so.

Like someone would do that to me with a remote control.

Someone in the German forums said, it's not like that. You don't go around, suddenly thinking this would be a good idea, without actually wanting it. Sigh...

Okay, I additionally have agoraphobia and acrophobia, that doesn't make things easier. Plus the weaknesses of my chronic illness.

All of these together cause me to stay at home and wait it out. Like, please, no wrong move here! All I want is to survive this...

Any thoughts?

I keep trying to be good to me and relax.

February 3, 2019

@withhopeinmyheart wrote a whole reply and it was lost. Will write again but in the meantime, you will find healing. This is the worst part, but you will come through hell. I spent many months in derealization but it's almost gone now. The cortisol spikes were so bad I felt I was dying. I did not even know how I would get through next 10 seconds let alone the day. Though I have waves , relatively I have improved . I can go out for 2 hours a day. You remind me to be grateful. You will heal. It's terrible for you but once you get through you will keep improving ... it's like a domino effect, it picks up momentum. My thoughts are will you. Hold on.

February 3, 2019

I forgot to say that what has helped so much with fear symptoms is massage. My mum

has a massage machine. I think this may help. It forces calmness on my body. Also, head massage. Can a family member do this?

February 3, 2019

Hey,

i understand the fear of suicide even though you actually have no intention or desire to do it.

I don’t have that issue myself but I get the thoughts occasionally that it is the only option to end this yet I have absolutely no intention of doing so. It’s crazy what thoughts and emotions you get during withdrawal. I know mine are withdrawal related as a minute later I can be thinking perfectly normal and carrying on with whatever I’m doing. Then an hour later more horrible thoughts may come or the feeling of wanting to cry for no reason. I’m lucky I haven’t had those moments much but they are there on bad emotional days.

There are sections on her about dealing with fear and neuro emotions which may help you.

Try to remember they are only thoughts and while can feel very real it doesn’t mean you will act on them and if you ever felt like you might then that’s when you need to ask for help.

Take care.

February 3, 2019

Thank you so much, India and Tom!

It's really weird. All I want is to survive this and then LIVE!

My fear of suicide is more like I'm being controlled by withdrawal or the drug and have no choice. That's my fear. I'll exaggerate:

Walking outside in a good mood, then, oh look, the train! Jumps in front...

My fear is, something could make me do it against my will...

Well, I'm almost locked in at home, anyway.

India, I sometimes ask my husband for a massage.

Whenever the neuro-emotions and waves come, I tell myself that it's the healing process and my brain is working hard on all this.

But today is bad.

I already woke up to having no feeling of who I really am, feeling lost, miserable, thinking this will never end. With lots of crying.

It feels like I won't ever be able to do normal things again. Relax, sleep well, have normal heartbeat, enjoy small things, go outside, not be scared, feel, LIVE.

the torture...

February 3, 2019

Do you all know this feeling? That there's the now and the before, when you were still alive? I feel so disconnected from life. It's suffering only. I already forgot what it's like to feel good.

The inability to see the way back to a happy life. Like it's all over.

I'm sorry, today's too much...

February 3, 2019

1 hour ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Do you all know this feeling? That there's the now and the before, when you were still alive? I feel so disconnected from life. It's suffering only. I already forgot what it's like to feel good.

The inability to see the way back to a happy life. Like it's all over.

I'm sorry, today's too much...

You will live again. You will get YOU back. Everyday you will get a tiny bit better until life will be liveable. Try to keep in the moment. You are going through hell but I promise you it is temporary. I know the torture well. It's inhumane. It will pass, it will. DO whatever you need to do to get through. For me, I had to walk and walk and walk and accept the anxiety and tell myself it was just severe stress and I'd get through. I feel deeply for you .

February 3, 2019

https://youtu.be/tswCgrK6Jqk

February 5, 2019

Thank you India!

I'm trying so hard, maybe too hard. I notice I can't keep focused on meditation.

Just woke up and right from the start it's overwhelmingly negative. Like something within me gave up.

One of my largest fears is what if withdrawal leaves one day but the trauma of it won't?

So that I will still be miserable and not notice that it's not withdrawal anymore...

Gosh I'm sorry...

I'm trying, I'm breathing, praying, distracting... Everything is just miserable...

February 5, 2019

I would have liked to read this link but it seems to be broken?

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/278-after-being-healed/

February 5, 2019

1 hour ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

One of my largest fears is what if withdrawal leaves one day but the trauma of it won't?

So that I will still be miserable and not notice that it's not withdrawal anymore...

The memories you'll create after you heal will begin to replace the traumatic memories of withdrawal. You can't see that now because you're still in the storm.

As you heal, you'll get out and do more. Your mind will become pre-occupied with the new experiences you want to have now that you've healed and you won't dwell on withdrawal anymore.

You'll re-build your life in steps, navigating any residual withdrawal waves as you become stronger and stronger. Healing is a process, not an event. That's another reason it's very hard to see now. As you get closer to healing and experience some real windows, you'll see this and your worries of withdrawal trauma being permanent will naturally fade out.

The more non-drug coping skills you can learn now (mindfulness, gentle yoga, breathing exercises, etc), the better you'll be in coping with whatever life has in store for you.

43 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

I would have liked to read this link but it seems to be broken?

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/278-after-being-healed/

I can't find that, either. Did you copy this link from another thread? If so, please post it, as it will help us find it.

February 5, 2019

Thanks so much, Shep!

I'm trying so hard with the coping. Not much seems to be possible...

The link is further down here. The "after healing" one.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/603-what-is-withdrawal-syndrome/

February 5, 2019

I couldn't find it so I asked the other team members.

February 6, 2019

I keep reading about healing. About neuroplasticity. About coping. Everything that could help.

But I'm desperate. Whatever this is... Horrible wave or what... It takes away my ability to believe. I can't believe there will be a time that's not horrible. Being happy again.

All I have "gotten used to" is this hell and I fail to imagine how all that misery can one day be gone. I'm mostly bedridden again since yesterday.

Having the suicidal feelings again that I don't want...

I can't believe... But I want to.

I don't want to feel like the exception. The one who doesn't get her life back.

February 6, 2019

This has been my day today ...the thoughts are torturous believe me its not just you...you will heal ...

February 7, 2019

I'm in hell... Someone elsewhere said to me, healing for them only began after they had ripped all the rest of the drug out of their brain.

I can't. I'm completely nonfunctional and not stabilized. This would kill me.

Yesterday and today have been so bad. I'm desperate.

February 8, 2019

Withdrawal can be very very difficult, to say the very least.

What have you tried that has worked even a tiny bit to soothe your system?

February 8, 2019

WithHope,

Best wishes to you. Find your comfort zone. There will be better days.

February 8, 2019

Hi withhopeinmyheart. I just wanted send my best wishes, and positive vibes to you. And to let you know that is does truly subside. No matter how much you might wonder if it will ever end, it really does. It gets so much more peaceful. It's hard to believe that in the thick of it, but it's so important to trust that it gets MUCH much better. It's just frustratingly slow. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the time the heal. I'm still working on my life, and it's inherently a difficult, challenging, wacky ride, but I've come a long long way, and I feel so bad for people in the immediate suffering. But it fades away.

Xx

February 8, 2019

@SkyBlue I generally try to maintain an attitude of not freaking out completely. Letting it out, yes. But not entirely falling apart.

I breathe and I use affirmations and success stories.

@Gracee Thank you!

@NewMorning Thank you! Believing is so hard. Today started calmer, but still bad.

February 10, 2019

How am I supposed to survive this?

Getting weaker. Husband had to almost carry me to the toilet. Can't barely move. Can't really keep eyes open but without sleep.

I feel that everything positive I try turns into a trigger for me. I have nothing inside me to hold me...

I can't see the good anymore.

This horrible physical feeling of anxiety flowing through your veins.

God, what is left of me...

February 10, 2019

I used to listen to this over and over.

It took a bit of time for it to work. Personally, I used loads of passiflora for the terrors. It worked. Also, heard ibuprofen reduces cortisol.

I feel for you, really. You are frightened, remember baby steps. I also used magnesium.

This is the fire bit, it will keep getting better. You are so strong.

February 11, 2019

Thank you @India and @DrugfreeProf!

My husband is there.

I notice more and more there's things I can't do to help me. Listening to calming things does the opposite. And then I feel as if it's my fault.

But it's my injured brain right?

I breathe. I never panic. I eat. Drink. Magnesium. Fish oil. Wait...

But somewhere there's this fear within me. That it's me, not withdrawal. That I can't get out of this hole anymore.

And I'm so scared I will forever be traumatized by withdrawal.

I read pug's success story over and over because he said he can't even remember what it felt like now that it's over. Can I hope that my brain will do that too?

Does your daughter remember, DrugfreeProf? Any trauma from withdrawal?

Still bedridden.

withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

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