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withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

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Thank you @India and @DrugfreeProf


My husband is there. 


I notice more and more there's things I can't do to help me. Listening to calming things does the opposite. And then I feel as if it's my fault. 

But it's my injured brain right? 


I breathe. I never panic. I eat. Drink. Magnesium. Fish oil. Wait... 


But somewhere there's this fear within me. That it's me, not withdrawal. That I can't get out of this hole anymore. 


And I'm so scared I will forever be traumatized by withdrawal. 


I read pug's success story over and over because he said he can't even remember what it felt like now that it's over. Can I hope that my brain will do that too? 

Does your daughter remember, DrugfreeProf? Any trauma from withdrawal? 


Still bedridden. 

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Hi Withhope,

You are very brave and doing a great job. Please be kind to yourself.

I hope you'll feel better soon. Sending you love and hugs 🧡

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I remember this paradoxical reaction to meditations etc, when nothing could soothe the terror. It is withdrawal . It is hell but keep the faith, my acute stage lasted a month, then it shifted. Passiflora calmed my spikes. Will write more later.

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Withhope, I believe my daughter remembers some things but not others. She did mention, when I brought up what happened at Alternative to Meds (see details of that disaster that took place in Aug 2016 in the thread I wrote for Lex1992 on this site), that she "didn't want to think about it."  But every day she seems to be clearer and clearer in her thinking and memories, so she may very well remember what happened to her during withdrawal and perhaps need to process it with someone else. 

Bedridden:  She was bedridden a good 18 months. No longer.

Healing happens. Change happens. You will not feel the same way you do now--guaranteed. Your brain knows what to do. Trust it to lead you out of this morass. It will.

And trust that THIS IS WITHDRAWAL. One of the meta-symptoms of WD is suspecting that what you are experiencing is NOT WD but something that's wrong with "you."  There is nothing wrong with you.  It's just your brain telling you stories. 

Keep reading those success stories. I know they helped me as I was going through the agony of watching my daughter's agony.

I plan to post her success story soon.

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@DrugfreeProf Your message about your daughters full recovery after 29 months left me tearful. I copied it and sent it to my family. I refuse to believe I won't fully recover and hearing this is amazing. 

@withhopeinmyheart though I do have waves, you remind me of how life is liveable now albeit at a reduced rate, and I am slowly improving even if I do get upset and demoralised it is not the terror you are in. It will end, it will. I went to France and despite it feeling impossible, I took every moment as a moment. Swimming in the sea helped . It started a turn around. The DR was horrid, that passed after about 2.5 months of reinstatement. I basically accepted it but kept reaffirming that I would get past it. I didn't read anything negative. We all post here when we are desperate and often we don't post as much in the windows, so that's important to remember. I spoke to a guy who runs a tranquilliser project. He said full recovery takes between 1-2 years for most, some longer but everyone recovers. Also, things shift all the time, and before you know it you are in a new phase. I also had to accept I need a lot of bed rest. Sometimes it just helps to know others have gone before you. Here, we are all warriors!

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Guys, thank you so much! Your kind words mean a lot. 

I'm not sure how today was... Bad, but maybe better? 


Umm, I don't mean to ramble on and on about this. I already discussed it on the German forums and I copied and pasted every positive encouraging answer from there and here into my journal. 


Also @Shep and @Gridley have given me thoughtful words about it. 

But still... 


I'm so traumatized! So much! By nothing but withdrawal. How it started, what it felt and feels like. Nightmarish memories from waves are coming back, although I have had improvements... 


Those memories keep coming back and almost make me feel like NOTHING got better... 


I haven't really seen anyone talk about this... People say usually there's not a hint of trauma during the real, full windows. But what about during the hellish times? 

I'm having such a hard time handling withdrawal AND feeling traumatized. 


I think this is making me freeze in fear more than anything. 

It feels like this trauma is a neuro emotion in itself... 

And makes me scared that... I don't know... trauma will overlay everything so I won't be able to notice getting better. 


I don't know, might sound weird... 


lost my ability to trust because of this hell... 


My CNS still rejects calming methods. 

So I basically just read some positive stuff and breath and play games on the phone... 

I mean how do I know if I could do more? This trauma makes me scared to try. 


And, I'm chronically ill. Have been long before this started. I had finally managed to live a life that made me happy. 

Now I'm scared that this little life has broken apart forever because I'm not sure I'll physically be the same AFTER withdrawal... 

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I feel my case is a hopeless one. 


I keep hanging on, I have small improvements, a small window yesterday... And still the fear. I'm cut off. Life is for others, not me. I can't do anything, I avoid things because of fear, I can't focus, I can't leave the house. 

I'm traumatized... 


Is everything over? 

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