☼ meistersinger

[Barbarannamated]

I dont recall if I shared this link with you before, but thought of you again while reading some of the articles about the challenges of creativity - feeling out of sync, "different", misunderstood and unappreciated, trying to 'fit in', etc. I don't consider myself creative, but do relate to much of the discussion on this site:

 

http://talentdevelop.com/

[meistersinger]

I dont recall if I shared this link with you before, but thought of you again while reading some of the articles about the challenges of creativity - feeling out of sync, "different", misunderstood and unappreciated, trying to 'fit in', etc. I don't consider myself creative, but do relate to much of the discussion on this site:

 

http://talentdevelop.com/

 

And being on antidepressants pretty much killed it for me. For example, my choir was rehearsing a piece by Sir John Stainer, one of the better Edwardian composers of church music. I broke down toward the end of the piece, because I was overwhelmed by the sentiment, and not being able to connect to it, no thanks to the damned antidepressants.

[meistersinger]

 

In short, grow up and be a man, and not a weakling.

That is the mentality I have to Put up with every day. To most of the family, my frequent breakdowns are an embarrassment to them and the rest of the family.

 

Your brother may need to grow up, and perhaps he fears giving in to his own weaknesses? He is not able to consider how someone elses life could be so different from the way he perceives reality. I'm sorry you are so in his power.. maybe when all the move issues are resolved, and unfortunately this is a ways off, but you will be better off when freed from the expectations of your family. ~S

 

A lot of my brother's bilge is that he is ex-Army, having served in Desert Storm. He retired as a First Seargent, after having a superior officer play politics on his subordinates. He never really whet the Drill Seargent mentality.

[Barbarannamated]

It will return. I've had spurts of 'creativity' (not necessarily TALENT) since tapering off of Pristiq, moreso than even before ADs when I stifled myself. I believe there's hope for us yet.

[Skyler]

A lot of my brother's bilge is that he is ex-Army, having served in Desert Storm. He retired as a First Seargent, after having a superior officer play politics on his subordinates. He never really whet the Drill Seargent mentality.

 

Hi miester, Sorry to hear the army experience reinforced your brother's issues. Thing is, this was a ways back, and he does not appear to understand the need to address them (that part is all him). Unfortunately this is neither here nor there where you are concerned. Keep us up dated on the housing situation.

[meistersinger]

 

A lot of my brother's bilge is that he is ex-Army, having served in Desert Storm. He retired as a First Seargent, after having a superior officer play politics on his subordinates. He never really whet the Drill Seargent mentality.

 

Hi miester, Sorry to hear the army experience reinforced your brother's issues. Thing is, this was a ways back, and he does not appear to understand the need to address them (that part is all him). Unfortunately this is neither here nor there where you are concerned. Keep us up dated on the housing situation.

 

There may be another ray of hope for a job. I just got a call from Kelly services regarding a telecommute job. Their client is Apple Computer. Pay is not too great, but right now, better than nothing. Interview is tomorrow afternoon. Pray, (if you're the praying kind) I get the position. That contract starts July 1.

[Barbarannamated]

Sending good energy!!

[Skyler]

There may be another ray of hope for a job. I just got a call from Kelly services regarding a telecommute job. Their client is Apple Computer. Pay is not too great, but right now, better than nothing. Interview is tomorrow afternoon. Pray, (if you're the praying kind) I get the position. That contract starts July 1.

 

I send good wishes, and will think of you tomorrow afternoon. Pay may not be so much, but a place to begin, now that may have worth.

 

All the very best,~S

[xDebbiejo]

Thinking of you too

 

Wish you luck with job interview

 

Debbie x

[xDebbiejo]

Thinking of you too

 

Wish you luck with job interview

 

Debbie x

[meistersinger]

Thinking of you too

 

Wish you luck with job interview

 

Debbie x

 

I can forget that job also. I just got an email back saying I was not considered. More than likely, my credit, my work history, my age and my medical conditions came into play, again, but can not prove it. Maybe it's time to be thrown put of this house and into the street. My brother said last night, I've heard that before. Of course, he was right. I only have myself to blame. Let's see what the psychological testing next Thursday tells me.

[Barbarannamated]

You heard back already? I'm sorry. How do you think they got all of that info so quickly? Few years ago i had several interviews, got to final 2, then NOTHING. When i contacted, they said they decided not to fill position. Later was told that companies "looking like they are actively recruiting/hiring" get tax credits or something. I don't know if that was true or not. Not sorry now that I didnt get jobs.

 

How is the general job market there now?

[meistersinger]

You heard back already? I'm sorry. How do you think they got all of that info so quickly? Few years ago i had several interviews, got to final 2, then NOTHING. When i contacted, they said they decided not to fill position. Later was told that companies "looking like they are actively recruiting/hiring" get tax credits or something. I don't know if that was true or not. Not sorry now that I didnt get jobs.

 

How is the general job market there now?

 

The president of the local manufacturing association says there are plenty of jobs available. Then why are people being turned down? I heard that in Baltimore there are jobs for anyone who wants them. Then why are they still open? Are people that lazy, (remember, my brothers do no believe in mental illness, hence, I'm lazy. You be up for 3 nights straight with 3 hours of sleep per night and see how you like it?), are people looking for a better salary, are most people too old or what's the reason. Granted, being bipolar, I missed a lot of work, overspent a lot of money, etc. back then, no one heard of bipolar, let alone manic depression. Lest you think I'm making excuses, I am not. I take full responsibility for all my actions, regardless of the consequences. Maybe I should mention the S word to get any notice. Of course. , people would hand me the appropriate tools to commit those deeds.

[meistersinger]

You heard back already? I'm sorry. How do you think they got all of that info so quickly? Few years ago i had several interviews, got to final 2, then NOTHING. When i contacted, they said they decided not to fill position. Later was told that companies "looking like they are actively recruiting/hiring" get tax credits or something. I don't know if that was true or not. Not sorry now that I didnt get jobs.

 

How is the general job market there now?

 

It's very easy to do a background check, if you have the money.

[Barbarannamated]

No argument on that! I was commenting on the speed of response.

[xDebbiejo]

So sorry

 

Don't give up! Keep looking

 

Debbie x

[meistersinger]

So sorry

 

Don't give up! Keep looking

 

Debbie x

 

Frankly, I'm past that point. No one really gives a damn. I'm too old to make a difference. Why do you think I was on antidepressants? But if I get mad, everyone else's noses get bent out of shape. I'm tired of fighting. From now on, I'll watch cartoons until such time I get thrown out on the street.

[Skyler]

Frankly, I'm past that point. No one really gives a damn. I'm too old to make a difference. Why do you think I was on antidepressants? But if I get mad, everyone else's noses get bent out of shape. I'm tired of fighting. From now on, I'll watch cartoons until such time I get thrown out on the street.

 

sorry to hear meister, you need the help of resources that will not be available to you until you qualify for SSI/SSDI. Lousy system.

 

Thinking of you, ~S

[meistersinger]

 

Frankly, I'm past that point. No one really gives a damn. I'm too old to make a difference. Why do you think I was on antidepressants? But if I get mad, everyone else's noses get bent out of shape. I'm tired of fighting. From now on, I'll watch cartoons until such time I get thrown out on the street.

 

sorry to hear meister, you need the help of resources that will not be available to you until you qualify for SSI/SSDI. Lousy system.

 

Thinking of you, ~S

 

My brother pretty much left me know it this morning when he left for work. I was bawling my head off all night again. It also didn't help that 3 more rejection letter came in my email last night. My church choir is getting worried. I've been having thoughts of harming myself, except that I'm too incompetent to even do that. Of course, all my problems are 100% my fault. I'm the one that ran up the bills, etc., so the only person I have to blame for ruining my life is myself. Never mind that I asked for help and was told where I could stick my requests. It's to the point now food makes me sick. I can barely keep down carrots, celery and lettuce.let alone oat bread. I'm lucky if I also get 3 hours of sleep a night. I've been talking on the warm lines around here, and while it brings some relief, doesn't solve my problems. The only crisis center around here is my psychiatrist's office, NAMI, MHA, and a couple of private outfits which I don't have money for.

[Altostrata]

ms, where are you in your Viibryd taper?

 

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature, instructions: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

[Karma]

Meistersinger,

 

You are a child of God and that alone makes you worthy of respect and means you have value. There is something that you can do that is your divine right work - you just have to allow the universe to reveal it to you.

 

It is clear to me that you are still in a depressed state of mind and I am sorry that you are in that state and the there is no one around you that comforts and supports you.

 

I don't think it is your fault that you ran up bills ... I think it was a natural reaction to the situation you were in, regardless of what your brother's may say. When my mother lost my father she purchased a lot of stuff from HSN (the home shopping network). When she passed there was an outrageously high credit card bill because she used here credit card to make all the purchases. She was trying to fill the void left by losing my dad but she was on a fixed income. I don't blame my mother - it is just unfortunate ... and frankly that is the niche HSN has carved out for themselves.

 

Is it possible that anyone in your church choir could provide you with a room? Just a thought. Is it possible that the church can help you get support? Is there a job you can do at the church that they can compensate your for?

 

Have you thought about contacting the employers that turned you down to find out if there is something specific in your work history or a background check that disqualified you? I think they have to disclose that. When you are in a depressed state it is easy to go to a negative story about what happened, but it is just a story until you get the facts.

 

I've heard around where I live that Goodwill is able to help people get back to work ... maybe you could reach out to that kind of organization and they might be able to help you around anything in your background that might be limiting your opportunities.

 

I just felt the need to reach out to you - I feel your pain, but I am in a state of mind where I believe there are amazing and abundant possibilities - I don't always feel that way, sometimes I feel trapped by circumstances, too, but when I am feeling well I try to open a window for others.

 

Love and light,

Karma

[meistersinger]

Right now, I am at 2.5 mg. yes I know it is too fast, and I'm setting myself up. Unfortunately, there are no compounding pharmacies around here that will take Medicaid. With recent developments, I may have to play the game to convince everyone that I am in compliance. Yesterday, when Kelly services called me back stating my services are not being considered, I pretty much lost it and started considering suicide. If it weren't for warm line and the Samaritans email service, who knows. This economy sucks. If the only way I can get money for training is vocational rehab once being declared disabled by social security (and my gp considers me disabled, and after decomPensating in front of my psych and his nurse a few times), so be it. I'm still waiting for my application to see a therapist at the behavioral health clinic, where this psych practices, to be approved. Most of my issue stems from holding everything within, with no outlet. I'm the one that always have to give. I still have the psychological testing scheduled for this Thursday for possible asperger's. Most people call me lazy and a fraud. I no longer care. I'm just tired of fighting the system and having to give 300% to prove what I can do, only to be slapped down.

[meistersinger]

Meistersinger,

 

You are a child of God and that alone makes you worthy of respect and means you have value. There is something that you can do that is your divine right work - you just have to allow the universe to reveal it to you.

 

It is clear to me that you are still in a depressed state of mind and I am sorry that you are in that state and the there is no one around you that comforts and supports you.

 

I don't think it is your fault that you ran up bills ... I think it was a natural reaction to the situation you were in, regardless of what your brother's may say. When my mother lost my father she purchased a lot of stuff from HSN (the home shopping network). When she passed there was an outrageously high credit card bill because she used here credit card to make all the purchases. She was trying to fill the void left by losing my dad but she was on a fixed income. I don't blame my mother - it is just unfortunate ... and frankly that is the niche HSN has carved out for themselves.

 

Is it possible that anyone in your church choir could provide you with a room? Just a thought. Is it possible that the church can help you get support? Is there a job you can do at the church that they can compensate your for?

 

Have you thought about contacting the employers that turned you down to find out if there is something specific in your work history or a background check that disqualified you? I think they have to disclose that. When you are in a depressed state it is easy to go to a negative story about what happened, but it is just a story until you get the facts.

 

I've heard around where I live that Goodwill is able to help people get back to work ... maybe you could reach out to that kind of organization and they might be able to help you around anything in your background that might be limiting your opportunities.

 

I just felt the need to reach out to you - I feel your pain, but I am in a state of mind where I believe there are amazing and abundant possibilities - I don't always feel that way, sometimes I feel trapped by circumstances, too, but when I am feeling well I try to open a window for others.

 

Love and light,

Karma

 

Thank you for the sentiments. My brother closed on Mom's house. I have an agreement with him that I will pay him whatever I can, whenever I can plus sweat equity. I told him that I don't know how long this will take with withdrawal. Once i know i will be getting social security, we will work out how much to pay. I told him with the bipolar diagnosis, I'll be up somedays, and there will be days I can't even get out of bed. I'd rather work, but I am now at the age where I am a liability to prospective employers. He still feels that most people, and he told me not to be offended, doing the depression ploy for social security are pretty much deadbeats. He gave me an example, would I take a job as a farm worker. I told him no. He is here, you just proved my point. We have an immigration problem in this country primarily because american's don't want to do dirty work. My issue with that is, I didn't spend almost 60k for an education, just to dig up potatoes. I left it drop at that. There is no use arguing with the PA Dutch mentality. I would rather teach music privately. That is out of the question in his house. So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm screwed.

 

As for Goodwill Industries, I May have to check them out. I look at potential jobs I get in my email, and I have no desire to apply, as they do not appeal to me, and require certifications, which I can not afford to obtain. I am already in debt and can't get out. Certifications are nothing more than a money-making scheme in my book. I really don't like throwing bad money after good. I've done enough of that in the past.

 

I have done a background check on myself. It is pretty negative. Yes, it is all my fault. No, there is nothing I can do nowadays to change, save avoid those scenarios at all costs.

[Altostrata]

ms, please put your withdrawal history in your signature. Instructions: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/page__gopid__23291#entry23291

 

Can you cut the tablets any smaller? Maybe crush them and divide the powder, or make a solution?

[tezza]

Hi meistersinger,

 

I'm so sorry for the way you are feeling. I feel a lot of the same. I don't have anything intelligent to say although I graduated with honors in April - 2000. I have no friends to talk to, no family.

 

I had some more stupid stuff but I deleted. Anyway I'm thinking of you and I definitely relate. I hope things get brighter for you SOON.

[Barbarannamated]

Count me in, also. I hope you stayed safe from the tornadoes yesterday, Meistersinger.

 

Tezza... you have very much insight and encouragement to offer!

[meistersinger]

 

Frankly, I'm past that point. No one really gives a damn. I'm too old to make a difference. Why do you think I was on antidepressants? But if I get mad, everyone else's noses get bent out of shape. I'm tired of fighting. From now on, I'll watch cartoons until such time I get thrown out on the street.

 

sorry to hear meister, you need the help of resources that will not be available to you until you qualify for SSI/SSDI. Lousy system.

 

Thinking of you, ~S

 

I just got back from the therapist about 2 hours ago. He has confirmed my suspicion, as well as my sister-in-law's suspicion, of Asperger's. I'm relieved I now know what's been wrong with me for the past 50 years. Now maybe I can get some help. He has scheduled additional psychological testing (ADOS, as well as WAIS v.4) for next month. I also clued him in on the Icarus project's harm-reduction philosophy, since I left him know that antidepressants and I do not get along. I may also be changing psychiatrists, as my current psychiatrist is on the south end of town, and the therapist's office is on the east end. I prefer dealing with one office, for the sake of convienience.

[Skyler]

I just got back from the therapist about 2 hours ago. He has confirmed my suspicion, as well as my sister-in-law's suspicion, of Asperger's. I'm relieved I now know what's been wrong with me for the past 50 years. Now maybe I can get some help. He has scheduled additional psychological testing (ADOS, as well as WAIS v.4) for next month. I also clued him in on the Icarus project's harm-reduction philosophy, since I left him know that antidepressants and I do not get along. I may also be changing psychiatrists, as my current psychiatrist is on the south end of town, and the therapist's office is on the east end. I prefer dealing with one office, for the sake of convienience.

 

The asperger/autism spectrum is supposed to be heritable.

 

I wonder if the diagnosis would open you up to resources that are available thru the Developmental Disabilities organizations? Worth asking. The DD councils around here used had alot more resources than most other agencies last I knew.

Just thinking ~S

[annej]

Dear MS,

 

It warms my heart to see that you have so many friends on this forum who really care about you and want to assist in any way possible. Please count me as one of your friends. Many Hugs, Annej

[meistersinger]

 

I just got back from the therapist about 2 hours ago. He has confirmed my suspicion, as well as my sister-in-law's suspicion, of Asperger's. I'm relieved I now know what's been wrong with me for the past 50 years. Now maybe I can get some help. He has scheduled additional psychological testing (ADOS, as well as WAIS v.4) for next month. I also clued him in on the Icarus project's harm-reduction philosophy, since I left him know that antidepressants and I do not get along. I may also be changing psychiatrists, as my current psychiatrist is on the south end of town, and the therapist's office is on the east end. I prefer dealing with one office, for the sake of convienience.

 

From the way this therapist talks, it is more than likely on the autism spectrum is on dad's side of the family

(witness my youngest brother and his wife, with an autistic son and daughter, and a son (she had by a different man) who may be suffering from PANDAS (this kid is extremely OCD). I am not even going to attempt to tell the other 2 brothers, as the think phychology is mostly bull**** , and I am a lazy SOB, IMMSHO.

 

The asperger/autism spectrum is supposed to be heritable.

 

I wonder if the diagnosis would open you up to resources that are available thru the Developmental Disabilities organizations? Worth asking. The DD councils around here used had alot more resources than most other agencies last I knew.

Just thinking ~S

 

This therapist stated he would be contacting the office of vocational rehab, as well as a few other social service agencies. There is only one other agency that deals with adults with Asperger's, (Philhaven, out of Mt. Gretna), and their waiting list is currently running 18 months for services.

[Skyler]

This therapist stated he would be contacting the office of vocational rehab, as well as a few other social service agencies. There is only one other agency that deals with adults with Asperger's, (Philhaven, out of Mt. Gretna), and their waiting list is currently running 18 months for services.

 

Hmm, that might open the Voc Rehab doors. You need someone who has the key to an apt as well, and the DD councils have a tie in to housing... best of luck with it. Hope you get some feedback soon. ~S

[meistersinger]

Despite my protests, (which he doesn't give a damn about in the first place, since it's HIS house), my brother got another dog, less than 24 hours after putting down his elderly bloodhound. He was looking at a border collie mix (ugh. Nothing wrong with border collies, as long as you keep them occupied. They're a smart breed, but can be extremely destructive when bored.), but that dog nearly bit him when he tried to pet her. So he sees a chocolate lab mix. I'm not one for retrievers: the yellow lab mom had hears ago was so dumb and so hyper, I coulndn't stand it. My ride to choir rehearsal clued me in on the fact that this was typical for yellow labs. In her experience, black labs are the calmest, and chocolate labs are the more skittish. Believe me, this dog is skittish. She is, however, obsessed with her toys, especially those with a squeaker.

 

Personally, I'd rather have a basset hound. They're more of a challenge. That sad sack look belies it's intelligence. Any breed of dog that can figure out how to open a refrigerator door and scarf the contents of the bottom two shelves is not a dumb breed. Any breed of dof that can figure out the baby locks on kitchen cabinets is not a dumb breed. Any breed of dog that can open a hot oven door and scarf the contents of a hot oven without getting burned is DEFINITELY not a dumb breed. Any breed of dog that lies down and goes to sleep when you throw a blanket over it is DEFINITELY not a dumb breed. Any wonder basset hound owners call themselves food slaves? You don' own a basset hound, the hound owns you!

[meistersinger]

 

This therapist stated he would be contacting the office of vocational rehab, as well as a few other social service agencies. There is only one other agency that deals with adults with Asperger's, (Philhaven, out of Mt. Gretna), and their waiting list is currently running 18 months for services.

 

Hmm, that might open the Voc Rehab doors. You need someone who has the key to an apt as well, and the DD councils have a tie in to housing... best of luck with it. Hope you get some feedback soon. ~S

 

I just finished filling out the forms for vocational rehab and returned them to the district office. There was a notice with the forms that it may take several weeks to months to get me a caseworker, if I get one at all, no thanks to Gov. Corbett's plans to cut 30% of the budget for OVR and mental health, as well as eliminate general assistance.

 

I had contacted a firm called nti for possible employment as a telecommuter. Nti will not consider my application further until I am assigned a caseworker by vocational rehab. Why does everything have to be reactive, and not proactive? I'm trying to get information, but no one wants to talk.

[Barbarannamated]

Meistersinger,

 

Your description of dog breeds gave me a chuckle. We had 2 chocolate land, sisters from one litter. They were wonderfful, but not the brightest bulbs in the box. We heard several times that chocolates are not as smart as their black and yellow cousins.

 

The reactive vs. Proactive comment hit home. I feel like I've been trying to jump thru hoops for years. Job hunting is hard enough, but I have to get doctor to approve what I can do, go thru my ex-employer disability program to end my benefits, etc. I continue to be unemployed, still on disability.

[Skyler]

I just finished filling out the forms for vocational rehab and returned them to the district office. There was a notice with the forms that it may take several weeks to months to get me a caseworker, if I get one at all, no thanks to Gov. Corbett's plans to cut 30% of the budget for OVR and mental health, as well as eliminate general assistance.

 

I had contacted a firm called nti for possible employment as a telecommuter. Nti will not consider my application further until I am assigned a caseworker by vocational rehab. Why does everything have to be reactive, and not proactive? I'm trying to get information, but no one wants to talk.

 

You should ask them how long a wait time they have, do they think you will eventually have a worker assigned to you or just languish on an overlong list.

 

I'm on the MA/RI border.. neither state has had general assistance for years. RI does not provide medical assistance to single people unless they are on a wait list for SSI. It's really bad out there and I'm sorry all the cuts are affecting you.~S

[Barbarannamated]

Meistersinger,

I got a good chuckle from your Cresson Mountain spin out comment on another thread!

 

To others: we hail from the same geographic area.