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How much to push yourself?

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Hey everyone,


Something I'm really struggling with in my AD withdrawal is knowing my limits in terms of how much activity is good for me.  By nature, I'm kind of a tornado and my default throughout my life was that if I wasn't feeling so good, going out and doing something I loved would make me feel better.


I've learned the hard way that it doesn't quite work that way with AD withdrawal and I'm having a really hard time learning how to adjust myself to better facilitate healing.


I've always loved having a very busy, intense job, lots of social engagements, being involved in a million things, and, you know, living life to the fullest.  Since my journey into the world of getting on and off poisonous drugs started, I've been learning some of my limits the hard way.  When I'm having a lot of withdrawal issues, like I have been for the past few months, I've pushed myself very hard to persevere with my normal life because I didn't want the drugs to "beat me."  


I've gone on dates when I wasn't feeling up to it, business meetings, social events, etc. because I thought "Well I'll feel better being out and about."  And a lot of the time I feel really bad, but I rationalize it by saying that I'd feel worse if I was just lying around.  Understanding now how much my nervous system is in disarray I'm realizing that that's not really the case.


Unfortunately, what that's caused me to feel is very broken.  I've learned to accept that I need to take it much, much easier, but it's hard for me to know how to put that into practice because I'm a very outgoing, sociable person by nature.  It's very counter intuitive for me.  I'm not the type that feels good just staying home. If anything, it makes me really psychologically depressed because it makes me just realize constantly how "ill" I am, how horrible the trauma I've suffered is at the hands of these drugs, and feel very alone.


I have some very good friends who know what I'm going through, but for everyone else, I try to put on a happy face.  


I understand fully that many people in this group would love for just one night to have a window that I get to have somewhat regularly.  I realize very much how fortunate I am to still be able to socialize moderately, exercise, sleep right, etc.  But it's still just very hard for me knowing how I used to be and how I'm trying to be.


Any advice on how to balance this would be greatly appreciated.



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I think just to keep challenging yourself until you feel like "i feel ok and am improving". For me, at first I couldn't even go outside alone without feeling overwhelmed, but then I played with my phone to distract myself and felt happy even though I was falling apart. Later, I got a game system - i know its a game but it still was a challenge for myself that made me feel good. My family took care of all the basic stuff though (food, house), so maybe I had the environment to do that. But just a thought, for what worked for me. Today I'm going to school full time, and I think it is improving myself a little, but I'm still learning about how best to work with myself too.


P.s - Human emotions stress me out sometimes, so I try to focus on things rather than people (schoolwork, music) until I am less stressed. Also, it makes me feel better when I am in a rut to look back at how hard I had it before and compare it to now sometimes.

Edited by kirby
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