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Memories from pre-drugged years surfacing


Barbarannamated
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I feel like my entire life - including pre-drug years- is being dredged up in flashes of memories and events from childhood and young adulthood. This is different from the return of intense emotions that were blunted or suppressed during 18 years of polydrugging.

These are NOT memories that are new or unrecognized. I feel like I have a different perspective now and it's very overwhelming.

 

Is anyone experiencing this?

 

Thanks in advance for any input.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Yes, I experienced that. I journaled heavily on a laptop during that phase of my life. I did weird things like make a list of every male I ever kissed, had one date with, etc. by name, and month and year - I went as far back as the first boy I ever kissed. For relationships I went into great detail about the history of those. My memories became extremely vivid. They became extremely overwhelming.

 

I think it is a good sign in terms of recovery. And for me this was a stage that passed, it lasted a few months but was towards the end of my recovery.

 

Embrace it!

 

P.S. I cannot stop thinking about the sandwhich incident with your Mother. Such a fantastic story, I love you for throwing the sandwhich, it was a brillant move, it was a truly honest response to someone who did not know how to be authentic.

Withdrew cold turkey from six medications: Celexa, Zyprexa, Depakote, Ativan, Ambien and Phentermine in 2002. It has been 10 years since I told polypharmacy to take a hike and have joined this forum to let others know that success is possible and to hopefully save people from experiencing the suffering that I did under psychiatric "care".

 

MY STORY

 

"TENSION is when we try to be who we think we should be, RELAXATION is when we are who we really are."

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Thank you, Whatever.

This is excruciating and everyone who used to be supportive (when sister was the 'bad guy') has distanced themselves, headed for the proverbial hills. I'm afraid to open up to even one more person because I am so sensitized now.

What was the type of therapy you used? Wondering if it was holotropic breathing or similar? I know very little about that.

I recognize the value in seeing this all more clearly but - damn - it is brutal. I'm frozen. It's not just a matter of resuming my life lost during drugged years, but all of the years prior have taken on a whole different light (or dark, in this case).

 

I should have thrown more ham sandwiches.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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I didn't use therapy. I think you misread my post.

 

I wrote all my memories and feelings and letters to people (never sent them) on my laptop. You can called it "The Whatever Method" if you like :).

Withdrew cold turkey from six medications: Celexa, Zyprexa, Depakote, Ativan, Ambien and Phentermine in 2002. It has been 10 years since I told polypharmacy to take a hike and have joined this forum to let others know that success is possible and to hopefully save people from experiencing the suffering that I did under psychiatric "care".

 

MY STORY

 

"TENSION is when we try to be who we think we should be, RELAXATION is when we are who we really are."

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I didn't use therapy. I think you misread my post.

 

I wrote all my memories and feelings and letters to people (never sent them) on my laptop. You can called it "The Whatever Method" if you like :).

 

I thought you mentioned elsewhere about a breathing technique - maybe it was to release pain tied to emotions.? Or my imagination is hoping such a thing exists...

 

The Whatever Method sounds appropriate. I've had very little help and some hurt from therapists.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Withdrew cold turkey from six medications: Celexa, Zyprexa, Depakote, Ativan, Ambien and Phentermine in 2002. It has been 10 years since I told polypharmacy to take a hike and have joined this forum to let others know that success is possible and to hopefully save people from experiencing the suffering that I did under psychiatric "care".

 

MY STORY

 

"TENSION is when we try to be who we think we should be, RELAXATION is when we are who we really are."

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I had similar experiences and, like Whatever, found writing them down to be cathartic.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Correction, I think you are talking about "rebirthing". It is a method where you deep breath and literally purge trapped emotion that is in your body and deep seated memories can come up.

 

I am sure you can find someone in California who practices this very 1960's type practice (sorry I couldn't help poking a little fun).

Withdrew cold turkey from six medications: Celexa, Zyprexa, Depakote, Ativan, Ambien and Phentermine in 2002. It has been 10 years since I told polypharmacy to take a hike and have joined this forum to let others know that success is possible and to hopefully save people from experiencing the suffering that I did under psychiatric "care".

 

MY STORY

 

"TENSION is when we try to be who we think we should be, RELAXATION is when we are who we really are."

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Yes, me too. I have got memories, atmospheres & all sorts of new thoughts attached to them surfacing & coming back, which I'm finding extremely overwhelming & very disturbing at times. In some ways it's amazing, like coming back to like, yet at the same time, like I've actually been half-dead for 13 years & have been woken up from the dead unnaturally so, opposed to say a resurrection. It's indescribable. I have changes in my perception of the passing of time also. I feel like time hasn't passed, yet it is passing more quickly than ever & I just cannot keep up. It's so peculiar, so odd so strange so profound in many ways....something very special & important within me has been assaulted by psychiatric drugs & I'm still reeling from it. As if the devil himself designed the drugs, or some nazi scientist did. I heard prozac is mostly fluoride...another nazi idea. Anyone know the ingrediants used to make ssri's & neuroleptics? Who is supplying the drug companies? Is this a job for wikileaks? I think only time & the body's natural healing process will balance things out. I've had family unable to comprehend what I'm going through, friends who draw wrong conclusions...even myself begin to wonder if I am actually insane or plain wicked, but it's the drugs, I'm sure it is. They are an assault on our humanity. I'm beginning to wonder if they were actually made that way on purpose, someone's got to know...someone has got to blow the whistle...

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Temperence,

The distorted perception of time is incredibly disturbing to me also. I thought it was because I have no place to be, no schedule, and that probably contributes. But last spring before I realized what was happening, it seemed like f-o-r-e-v-e-r between contact with friends. Time was going so slowly. I actually checked my emails or phone log to find that it had been only a day or two but in the meantime, I became very paranoid, thinking that everyone was avoiding me, etc.

In contrast, I can't remember what ive done to stay occupied over so many years without a job or anyplace to be on a regular basis. On one hand, I think I must have been fairly creative and self-entertaining/independent. OTOH, it seems like wasted years. I read recently that SS/NRIs make us ok with solitude that seems like independence. That really hit home for me because I feel incredibly lonely now.

Bizarre things these drugs do to us.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience.

 

Barb

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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I feel like my entire life - including pre-drug years- is being dredged up in flashes of memories and events from childhood and young adulthood. This is different from the return of intense emotions that were blunted or suppressed during 18 years of polydrugging.

These are NOT memories that are new or unrecognized. I feel like I have a different perspective now and it's very overwhelming.

 

Is anyone experiencing this?

 

Thanks in advance for any input.

 

Thanks for describing this--I have been experiencing some of this myself.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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I described this to 'someone who understands' and they said it sounded like a slow motion near death experience in the way it replays ones' entire life for reevaluation -

Ok now for the REORDERING of life part …

This hurts :(

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Your not alone Barbara. This has happened to me and has been happening again. I remembered that when I was having a meltdown way back when, I could not help but think about the past. Mostly mistakes & regrets.

 

I started Therapy and Meds and it did help. The best way out was thru. I did an inventory and got all of this up and out on paper and told my Al-Anon Sponsor. I was afraid she was going to lean against a wall and drop dead. Instead she said "that's it?" This is Step IV. It was very healing.

 

If you haven't been out of the house much, left to our own devices we tend to go places in our thoughts that is just obsessing for me....I am good at obsessing.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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Thanks Nikki ~

Yes I defintely am a pro ruminator which goes nowhere except to increase my feelings of anger and stress -

Some of the new awareness of childhood has been enlighteningi and I see how I became so 'disempowered' early on - I was constantly told that friends and jobs and boyfriends didn't want me (by parents)- never got the message that anyone was fortunate to have me around -

I don't know when this began but sometime in adolescence - my post in Toxic Family is a classic example and one that I can laugh about - (the flying ham sandwich)

I have to be careful to tune into what is being revealed but not ruminate about things/people I cannot change -

I never trusted my instincts and am understanding why - I was never told I was worth anything outside of my accomplishments in school or career (things that reflected on my patents) - I'm sure there's a psychological term for this -

Not surprising I went to the opposite extreme with my horses and use positive reinforcement almost exclusively and one in particular is over-empowered - not a good thing in a 1000lb animal :(

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Just rereading …this is a complete different thing than regrets and such which I really don't have alot of aside from bad relationship choices and selling an oceanview house just before the market exploded upwards - im actually feeling like things were happening years ago in an odd preparation for my paradigm shattering of late - there are so many odd things happening that feel orchestrated by *the cosmos* - it is a distinct feeling that I am supposed to be learning something - very difficult to explain and maybe it's the way I'm coping by looking for the 'big picture' in the suffering -

Interspersed with my whining is a feeling of a purpose to it all and understanding myself through semi-repressed memories (not false memories) and insight -

That sounds really Jungian - ;)

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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I do this too. I think some of it is due to the fact that I'm not keeping busy because I'm not feeling well. So I'm doing a lot of introspection and memories pop up and I'm analyzing my life from different perspectives. I'm seeing things with wiser, older eyes now and it's interesting. By going over things like this, it's causing me to look at other people differently too. Such as, I can see how some of my behaviors in the past were well intentioned, but harmful to others. So I can see how people mean well but hurt people. I don't know, I see it as a good thing. As long as I'm not feeling all that emotional trauma from past events, then I think it's okay. Journaling is an excellent idea. I do a lot of journaling myself and it's very therapeutic.

Taper from Cymbalta, Paxil, Prozac & Antipsychotics finished June 2012.

Xanax 5% Taper - (8/12 - .5 mg) - (9/12 - .45) - (10/12 - .43) - (11/12 - .41) - (12/12 - .38)

My Paxil Website

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  • 4 years later...

By Altostrata

 

-Hippocampus - This is the "memory" center of the brain. It ties in old memories to emotions. The same thing is happening here that is happening in the amygdala with GABA and Glutamate. So - voila. You get intrusive memories from ALL times in your [...]. It's wild and wicked and wooly. But it can't hurt you. And if you can learn to visualize this as what is happening - then you can learn to be objective and realize it's normal. And like the amygdala - it will come and go and frustrate you, but it will go away when the physiology is restored.

 

This is what I'm experiencing now from my low dose of ssri.. I's it possible it happens with ssri's also????memory's from all different parts of my life

. This is exactly me right now!!

 

This is so odd others are having similar experiences.

<p>Luvox 1997-2011 for OCD, 2016 reintroduction.Prozac 2011 - 2016: June 2015 started taper Feb. 2016 updose from 20 mg to 60 mg, taper to 10 mg by June then discontinue to 0 after adding Zoloft 100 mg.2016 changes:PROZAC - ZOLOFT CROSSOVER: June 14 100mg zoloft 10mg prozac; June 19 125 zoloft dropped prozac; July 13 100 zoloft;ZOLOFT - LUVOX CROSSOVER: August 12 100 zoloft 25mg luvox; August 15 75 zoloft 50 luvox; Mid August 50 zoloft 50 luvox; Late August 75mg luvox 25 zoloft;LUVOX ONLY: Sep 10 50 mg Luvox; Sep 22 43.75 mg, Oct 1 37.5 mg; Oct 13 43.75 mg***CURRENT*** 43.75 mg luvox; Xanax as needed .25-.50 a daySupplements: 5000 vitamin d, Ubiquinil 100mg, Inositol 8-10 g, Flaxseed oil 2x a day, Calm at night (magnesium), B-complex,5-10 grams inositol

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I'm so glad I found this post. I too am experiencing memories pop up and obsessing over them. Can withdrawal take a memory and add things to it to make you feel bad or distort them at all?

Started Prozac 20 MG March 2014-Sept 2014

New doctor switched me to Lexapro 10 MG and it helped from Sept 2014-Feb 2015 and then I felt the Lexapro wasn't helping as much so he changed the dose to 20 MG and I took that from Feb 2015-July 2015 when I decided to get off pills completely.I had to reinstate as I was feeling so bad and very pressured to go back on pills. My Dr put me on 50 MG zoloft and I took it for about a week..made me feel brain dead. Went down to 25 before I really learned the trouble of fast tapering..finally got a jewelry scale to properly weigh out my pills. Looking to just feel OK. Unsure where to go next.

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I've been getting memories popping up just totally out of the blue and I think where did that come from.  Unfortunately some of the memories I have I would like to chat about but other than 2 very dear friends from my teenage years, there is nobody left who I can reminisce/discuss with.  Disappointing but that's life and I just have to accept that it is what it is.  If it's a nice memory I am thankful for it, and some of them have been just a really lovely snippet.  If it's not, I just tell myself it is history and I can't change it.

Please DO NOT TAG me - thank you

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions. 

  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:    (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq      on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

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What's strange is they just come in to my thoughts.. like flood in.. They aren't bad thoughts.. I have ocd and these are different thoughts.. childhood years and earlier.

<p>Luvox 1997-2011 for OCD, 2016 reintroduction.Prozac 2011 - 2016: June 2015 started taper Feb. 2016 updose from 20 mg to 60 mg, taper to 10 mg by June then discontinue to 0 after adding Zoloft 100 mg.2016 changes:PROZAC - ZOLOFT CROSSOVER: June 14 100mg zoloft 10mg prozac; June 19 125 zoloft dropped prozac; July 13 100 zoloft;ZOLOFT - LUVOX CROSSOVER: August 12 100 zoloft 25mg luvox; August 15 75 zoloft 50 luvox; Mid August 50 zoloft 50 luvox; Late August 75mg luvox 25 zoloft;LUVOX ONLY: Sep 10 50 mg Luvox; Sep 22 43.75 mg, Oct 1 37.5 mg; Oct 13 43.75 mg***CURRENT*** 43.75 mg luvox; Xanax as needed .25-.50 a daySupplements: 5000 vitamin d, Ubiquinil 100mg, Inositol 8-10 g, Flaxseed oil 2x a day, Calm at night (magnesium), B-complex,5-10 grams inositol

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  • 2 weeks later...

I too am experiencing weird stuff with my mental processes. My short term memory is like Swiss cheese. This makes it hard for me to keep performing basic tasks on a regular basis--tasks everyone else takes for granted. It also puts a strain on my relationships with my parents whom I am living with. They don't know I'm in withdrawal or why I keep leaving glasses all over, forgetting to perform basic household chores or tired and itchy all the time. They think my fatigue is laziness. My continual scratching they consider just plain weird. Though Mom seems to personalize it sometimes as if I did it simply to annoy her!

I have been on so many medications since I was 20 and diagnosed as "mentally ill" that I have lost count.

Right now, however I have been taking:

Lamictal 25 mg: I went on it in March for only 13 days, then cold turkeyed off when I thought I was developing a rash because of it. Pretended to go back on it, but didn't. Not the best idea, but I had no way to reduce the dose. Anyhow I had no adverse withdrawal reactions, probably because I was on it for less than 2 weeks.

Abilify 20 mg:  I have been on this for several years. Actually at least half the time I have spent as a meds "consumer" I have been on this nasty pill. I finished tapering off it at the beginning of 2016. Was reinstated during the 4 days I spent in a psych ward in March. Tapered off it again in 10 weeks, from say March 15-June 30. Needless to say this is not exact, but I remember I was off it before July 4 (patriotic holiday in America!) I am doing fine, although I know I may have to wait till Christmas or later to know I am out of the danger zone for withdrawal psychosis. The main thing I notice about being off is that I no longer crave sweets all the time and am losing weight without trying. Good thing since I used to weigh 350 lbs.!

Effexor 150 mg: This is the real trouble-maker. Since I have no other way of tapering I do the best I can by bead counting. I unscrew the gel capsule and count out the tiny micro-capsules or beads inside. This works fairly well with the generic time release version. Only 120 beads to count of almost identical size. Lately I have been "holding" at 20 bead removal due to some major stress in my life. Moving hundreds of miles from my old home and a bout of strep throat that wouldn't respond to antibiotics.  I guess that means I'm on 120 mg of Effexor right now. On October 16 I am going to recommence my taper since I am safely moved and no longer have strep! 

I admit now that I did something stupid. I had trouble opening the extra strength gel capsules containing the beads so I reinstated at the original dose for a week. I know it's not good to play ping pong with my brain, but I could never open the capsules without spilling those microscopic balls all over so I was never sure what dosage I was taking! Thank the LORD that I finally have the old kind again and can safely count out the amount. I am now back on 135 mg and feel somewhat better.

October 30, 2016. I am down to 120 mg effexor. November 27, 2016. Down to 105 mg effexor. December 25, 2016. 90 mg effexor. January 15, 2017. 75 mg effexor. January 21. 82.5 mg effexor. January 23, 90 mg again. Feb. 14, 81.25 mg. Mar. 15, 72.5 mg. Mar. 27, 65 mg.  Apr. 9, 58.75 mg. Apr. 24, 52.5 mg.

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You may find it helpful to read the discussion on Brain fog: Blank mind, comprehension, cognitive and memory problems .

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.
1997-1999 Effexor; 2002-2005 Effexor XR 37.5 mg linear taper, dropping same #beads/week with bad results

Cymbalta 60 mg 2012 - 2015; 2016: 20 mg to 7 mg exact doses and dates in this post; 2017: 6.3 mg to  0.0 mg  Aug. 12; details here


scallywag's Introduction
Online spreadsheet for dose taper calculations and nz11's THE WORKS spreadsheet

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  • 3 months later...
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Wow.  In January, I had a thing which I call my "Emotional Event."

 

I didn't know what it was - I was doing some breathing, meditation, and music, and delving into feelings and memories.  It was compelling - more than obsessive - compelling.  I couldn't stop.  I had to keep going, even though it hurt.

 

Regrets, yes.  People - more.  The feeling - the biggest feeling - was that so many people who "got" me, who understood and accepted me - who would understand what I'm trying to do with my shamanism and Jungian style work - who I could've talked to and explained why a symbol or dream was important - why I often feel so disconnected in this country - these people - are dead.

 

And I cried and cried, the first time, truly, that I mourned these deaths.  They were too young to die, but there it is.

 

Now I feel as if I'm doing well to be understood - really understood - about 25% of the time.  I keep thinking I need to refine my communication, get better at it, so that I can be understood.  This event took me to exploration of "am I the person I was meant to be?" and "why, oh why, not?"

 

This experience took about 4 hours, and I was wrecked for a week afterwards.  It was like a holotropic breathing experience (yes, I did breathing, but it was not officially holotropic, or rebirthing, or hyperventilation) while standing before my dead, having them tease and buffet me around like I was a plaything.

 

In some ways it felt self indulgent - why was I wallowing?  What was the point of this exercise?  But in other ways, it was good to finally cry, and mourn, and suffer - ashes and sackcloth like the old days.  Am I better afterwards?  I don't know, it seems to have been followed by more stuff still.  But perhaps I am, just a little deeper, just a little more compassionate after the "emotional event."

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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Thinking about this - a common part of shamanic initiation is a "life review." 

 

This is not a thing that you sit down and decide to do, but an experience which washes over you and grabs you and you have no choice but to relive the experience.

 

Journalling about the experience is encouraged in shamanic teaching.  Like a kriya, in yoga, it comes to you.  Or, can be brought about by a teacher - but how many of us have those?

 

So - while the corporate overlords are using drugs to oppress and suppress our non-conformist ways, as we withdraw from the drugs, it is forcing these experiences - forcing an awakening - a deepening. 

 

Their evil plans are backfiring!   :D

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to Memories from pre-drugged years surfacing
  • 2 years later...

Maybe I’ll try to restart this topic. 

 

I have identical memory issues, random thoughts that just pop into my head, but I also have an unpleasant addition. Memories that should be good, induce anxiety. A piece of music from my past, my favourite bands, even photographs of my family. All induce anxiety.  

 

I gather it’s the Hippocampus

 

 

On 11/6/2016 at 6:57 AM, 3003 said:

Hippocampus - This is the "memory" center of the brain. It ties in old memories to emotions. The same thing is happening here that is happening in the amygdala with GABA and Glutamate. So - voila. You get intrusive memories from ALL times in your [

 

 I can’t find anyone who has,  what should be nice memories replaced with anxiety. Any music from my past does this. 

Anyone experienced similar?

 

Lexapro Fast Track/ Cold Turkey

Last dose end Dec 2018 

Tapered 1/2 a daily dose a week (20mg) for  14 weeks, last dose was a 20 mg pill!!  

 3.5 times slower than Psychiatrist recommended, I felt proud of myself!! Little did I know!!!!Got too scared to reinstate because I’d left it too long.

On ADs for 20 years (Prozac approx 10 years/ Pristiq approx 3 years/ Citalipram approx 2 years/. Lexapro a approx  5 years/. Last two years 40mgs Lexapro day.

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  • 4 months later...

@Katy398 I experience this too.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my younger years, mostly junior high, and friends and experiences I had then. It should be happy but it instead fills me with anxiety and dread.

 

I found an old hard drive I had stored in the upstairs closet with hundreds of home movies of my son growing up.  I had a small camera and I recorded him every minute I could.  I haven’t watched these movies in years.  Probably at least 5.  I can’t stop crying while watching them.  Not a good cry either.  Like a mourning cry.  It’s the worst.

Med History

 

March 2014 - June 2014: Zoloft 100mg?

August 2014: Effexor for 3 days

August 2014 - October 2017: Lexapro 20mg, three month taper (jumped at 5mg)

January 2018 - August 2020: Reinstate Lexapro 20 mg, six month taper (jumped at 1mg)

August 2014 - December 2019: Klonopin from 1mg to 1.5mg, year long taper (jumped at .125mg)

 

Supplement: Magnesium 

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  • 1 year later...
On 4/7/2012 at 3:26 AM, Shanti said:

I do this too. I think some of it is due to the fact that I'm not keeping busy because I'm not feeling well. So I'm doing a lot of introspection and memories pop up and I'm analyzing my life from different perspectives. I'm seeing things with wiser, older eyes now and it's interesting. By going over things like this, it's causing me to look at other people differently too. Such as, I can see how some of my behaviors in the past were well intentioned, but harmful to others. So I can see how people mean well but hurt people. I don't know, I see it as a good thing. As long as I'm not feeling all that emotional trauma from past events, then I think it's okay. Journaling is an excellent idea. I do a lot of journaling myself and it's very therapeutic.

Will this pass? I never had bad intentions, but now my memory is not the same as before medication 

I don’t remember everything but I tray

2019 3-4 months citalopram (tiered from medication 

2019 3-4 month Escitalopram (same as citalopram)

2019-03/2020 Effexor ( CT because I was psychotic on this medication )

08/2020 Risperdal 4mg 1 week than taper to 2Mg 09/2020 1mg Risperdal + Effexor 37,5 till April CT in Psyward by the doctors

April 2021 relapse and get 20 mg Abilify ( i think it was WD not relapse) 

May 2021 CT Abilify 

Hospital : try a lot of Medication Medication Sep2021: 150 mg sertralin and 50mg Quentiapin 

tapered in hospital 3 month 0 mg sertralin and 50 mg quentiapin 

March 2022 CT Quentiapin 

Current medication 0

 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi, im down to the low dose now 18mg clomipramine and im finding alot of suppressed memories flashing through.. this happened when I started psych meds years ago also..

 

I found it to be quite an enjoyable experience actually, it feels magical. 

Escitalopram:10mg 2010 - 2014 switched to - 

Fluvoxamine:300mg 2014-2021 many attempts at tapering, finally off

Olanzapine:5mg June 2020

2.5mg, 2mg, 1.5mg, 1mg, .75mg, .5mg, .25mg, 0mg June 2021

Clomipramine 75mg 2020 Dec 

50mg 2021 mar

37.5mg 2022 june

25mg 2022 Aug

18mg 2022 oct

 

 

 

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