Violets: escitalopram / Lexapro / Cipralex protracted withdrawal

[Violets]

Violet's Success Story - Fully Recovered from Severe Form of PSSD

 

Hello!

 

I started on 2,5mg escitalopram in december 2018 for GAD and severe clinical depression by my GP. I gradually increased the dose up to 7,5mg and was on this dose for a couple of weeks (until january 7th) I then decided to taper down again, as the drug made me careless, emotionally numb, impaired my cognition and significantly decreased my libido. So I stopped it after 2 months (last 2,5mg pill taken 8th of february).

 

Since stopping I suffered two weeks of accute physical withdrawal (flu-like symptoms, nausea, dizziness etc) but I thought that it would be over and I would go back to «normal», but now it is clear to me that I also suffer from protracted withdrawal (permanent brain damage) and the symptoms are scary and debilitating. I suffer from parasthesia, brain zaps, tinnitus, severe derealization, emotional numbness and extreme apathy to a point where I can’t force myself to get up and eat. I feel completely braindead and my cognition is ruined, the past month has gone by in a haze and I can’t remember or recollect much of it. This is extremely terrifying and almost worse than the original depression. I feel dead, even tho I’m alive.

 

I am a masters student and I can’t function and have no support in my student town. My GP seems to be totally oblivious to the fact that this can happen. I am very distressed (logically, because I can’t really FEEL it) and I would be very grateful if someone here could come with some advice or similar experinces on lexapro that has «recovered» or gotten significantly better and how long it took them. Thank you in advance.

Edited March 27, 2022 by getofflex

[Carmie]

Hi Violets, 

 

Welcome to SA. Firstly I want to say, you do not have permanent brain damage. We all heal, it just takes time.

 

You may be able to reinstate a tiny amount of escitalopram, reinstating a small amount of the medication may help calm the withdrawal symptoms a bit. It doesn’t always work, and sometimes it can make symptoms worse, but we have found that it has helped lots of people. 

 

We need a bit more information. Could you please give us the dates and amounts you were taking. Did you go straight from 7.5mg to 2.5mg?  I’m gathering you tapered down, as you said. It was way too fast a taper as you know. I’m down to 7.5mg of Seroquel now, and it’s going to take me many, many years to get off that. I can only taper by a small percentage.

 

Chessiecat will send you a link to put in your drug signature, and also links to reinstatement and tapering. 

 

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been put on and off things by doctors too before I knew anything about medications and tapering, it’s been a horrific journey, but we will all eventually heal no matter what. 

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

Edited March 2, 2019 by Carmie

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Violets.

 

You have severe withdrawal syndrome. Since you just stopped escilatopram February 8, you might find immediate reinstatement of 0.5mg to start may stop your withdrawal symptoms. Escilatopram comes in a liquid by prescription, or you can make your own liquid to take 1mg, see Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

[Carmie]

Hi Violets, 

 

I hope the 0.5mg that Altostrata mentioned might help. Give it a little while to kick in if you decide to reinstate. I’ve reinstated in the past with good results, take care💚

[ChessieCat]

Hi Violets and welcome from me too,

 

Here are some links:

 

Post #1 of this topic:  About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

SA recommends tapering by no more than 10% of the current dose followed by a hold of about 4 weeks to allow the brain to adapt to not getting as much of the drug.  Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

When the drug is taken away too quickly we can get withdrawal symptoms:  Dr Joseph Glenmullen's Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Please create your drug signature using the following format.   Keep it simple.  NO diagnoses or symptoms please - thank you.

• details for last 2 years - dates, ALL drugs, doses
• summary for older than 2 years - just years and drug/s

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

This is your own introductions topic where your can ask questions about your own situation and journal your progress.

 

Not many medical professionals understand psychiatric drug tapering and withdrawal which is why this site exists.  Before you see your doctor, I suggest you check out these topics.  You might find it helpful to write a script and rehearse what you are going to say so that you can get what you need to taper.  Be calm, gentle but assertive.  You are the customer, it is your body.  Use words like I'd like to try this, or I'd prefer to do it this way.  If a suggestion is made that you don't want to follow, say I'd like to think about it before making a decision.

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

[ChessieCat]

Here's some additional information which might help you to understand what is happening:

 

Recovery isn't linear it happens in a Windows and Waves Pattern

 

Withdrawal Normal Description

When we take a psychiatric drug, we are adding chemical/s to the brain.  The brain then has to change to adapt to getting the chemical/s.  It might have to change something to do with A and then once that change has been made it affects B so another change has to be made and so on down the line.  It is a chain reaction, a domino effect.

 

The same thing happens when we take the drug away.  That's why it's possible to experience such a vast array of withdrawal symptoms, and they can change, and be of different intensity.

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

These explain it really well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

On 8/31/2011 at 5:28 AM, Rhiannon said:

When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

 

AND

 

On 12/4/2015 at 2:41 AM, apace41 said:

Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR steel structures are trying to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were trying to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and trying to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while life is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made.  

 

[Violets]

@Carmie Thank you for your reply.

 

I was actually reading and researching a bit, and I really don’t want to reinstate this poison, but I know that it might help some people. 

 

A bit of my background;

 

I was very sceptical since the start and didn’t want to take any AD-medication (I have never taken anything before, except a few Phenazepam tablets here and there on occasion, but rarely). So I’ve been putting it off since last spring, but the reason I at all went on it was because I was desperate to get better after my first major depressive episode that started in august 2018. It was/is so bad, that had to take a leave from university. So I waited for 4 months before I was kinda forced to start to take the medication in hopes of getting better for the new spring semester. 

 

I started to take the medication the 3d of december, at 2,5mg at first, about one week, didn’t feel much. Then I upped the dose to 5mg. After about 3-4 days I was very nauseous and got a severe panic attack with a heat wave/ parasthesia from my head down my body. The day after (15 december) I got a terrible migraine, but I waited it out. The moodswings followed too, but my anxiety started to fade and the intense emotional sorrow seemed to lift some days.

 

I upped the dose to 7,5mg 22nd of december and stayed on it until 7th of january. During this period my family went on holiday and I had some alcohol (maybe 4-5 glasses of wine/champagne in total), I now see that it also was a mistake to do that, but my relatives insisted that it wouldn’t do much harm.. (stupid, I know). Around that time I also started to feel this emotional numbness and dissociation. 

 

So when I was back at my student town, I decided to wean myself off.

 

I went down to 5mg 8th of january and after 3 days I got insomnia, nightsweats and no appetite. I was also feeling the dissociation even stronger. It then toned down after a couple of days. The following two weeks I tapered from 5 to 4, 3 and then finally 2,5mg. The doctor said that I could just stop, but I knew that it wasn’t that simple. He wanted to switch me to Brintellix/Trintellix, telling me that it could be better for my cognition, but I refused.

 

So since 31st of january to 8th of february I went from 2,5 mg to 0 (took 2,5 for 3 days, then nothing, then 2mg, then nothing, then 1,25 mg and then stopped completely 8th of february). During this period the accute withdrawal symptoms started (sinus headaches, sweats/chills, dry eyes, vivid dreams, nausea, dizzyness, parasthesia++). I also noticed a change in my hair structure (it got a lot thinner) and I lost over 50% of my eyelashes and browhair. I also experince the hair loss on other parts of body, but not the scalp.

 

Anyways, the week from 11th to 17th of february, I was feeling totally spaced out. I noticed that I stopped caring about what others at school thought of me and I could pretty much do anything and would not care. I was very social, but indifferent to everything emotionally and could not concentrate enough to do any schoolwork, it still is that way.

 

At the end of the week I got my first brain zap when I tried to sleep.  I’ve had 3 of them so far, each time at the end of the week, it seems. 

 

The following two weeks until now I’ve had this hazy feeling and everything I described in my first post. I have also had this almost hypomanic feeling with agitation and dilated pupils, something that I’ve experienced on and off since starting the «treatment». It seems like an overload of serotonin almost.

 

After stopping the AD, I noticed that some of my anxiety had come back, but I struggle to feel it fully. When I am supposed to feel any emotion, I get this shivering sensation in the back of my brain instead and my brain feels like cotton. I have had it a lot this past week. In addition, my brain is totally empty most of the time, there are very few thoughts or ruminations going on. I’m completely careless and apathetic now. My body feels foreign in a sense that I can have heart palpitations or get a cut or be hungry, but simply don’t notice it or have the emotions to care enough about it. I also have trouble distinguishing and remembering if I am sleeping or awake at night. The time-concept it almost non-existant for me, most of the time. Some days are a bit better, but overall it’s pretty bad. 

 

I can mention that I also take Omega-3, B-complex and Magnesium-supplements for the past 2 months. As well as vitamin D.

 

I’m sorry if this was too long and disorganized, but this is what I’ve been experiencing so far. I hoped that being below «the therapeutic dose» for only two months wouldn’t have wrecked such havoc on my brain and CNS. But now I understand that mind-altering drugs are very potent even after short-term exposure in small doses, and my body is pretty sensitive, so I guess it’s one of the reasons I’m going through all of this now..

 

And again, thank you all for your tips and replies, I appreciate it.  

 

[Kronos18]

Hi.I don’t think what you suffer is Protractred Withdrawal, neither think that the pills did some brain damage as it’s not how it works.I am experiencing most of the symptoms you mentioned, still experiencing it now, i was on lexapro 10mg for 6 weeks and 5 mg for 2 weeks, then 0 mg.it’s my 5th week and still experiencing almost same symptoms, it will take a while but you are young, i am only 21, we will heal faster and better I promise you that.Much people take antidepressants for years and years and what should it mean? All of them should have permanent brain damage? it’s just the withdrawal, no brain damage has been done to you from only couple of weeks of use.Be patient with you and wait for the withdrawal to pass, it will take couple of months and it will be ok at the end.

[Gridley]

7 hours ago, Violets said:

 

I can mention that I also take Omega-3, B-complex and Magnesium-supplements for the past 2 months. As well as vitamin D.

 

Violets,

 

B-complex can be too activating (over-stimulating) to someone in withdrawal.  

 

Hypersensitive to B Vitamin or B-Complex  

 

[Altostrata]

We're familiar with the pattern of withdrawal syndrome you've described.

 

If you don't care to try reinstatement of a very small amount, you'll have to cope with your symptoms. If you don't put a lot of stress on your nervous  system, it tends to very slowly recover, with The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization Recovery can take very months and be very frustrating, you'll have to be patient.

 

Caffeine can be too stimulating, as well as B vitamins. Drinking alcohol may make you a lot sicker. See

 

 

[Violets]

@Altostrata 

I think that it’s best to avoid the reinstatement at this point, I felt almost the same while on escitalopram anyways, apart from the extreme apathy which I experience now, perhaps.

 

For me it’s actually the opposite, I don’t experience any stress or anxiety at all. It’s the complete contrary in my case. There are no thoughts, feelings or emotions there at all (apart from the deep frustration maybe). I don’t drink any caffeine or alcohol either. So I feel like it’s a completely chemical/neurological issue at this point and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it apart from waiting it out and hoping that it imrpoves, but somehow I have a feeling that it will never be the case. At least to a level where I can be a functional human being again. 

 

But thank you for your reply.  

[Altostrata]

How is your sleep?

 

It sounds like you are experiencing emotional anesthesia, which is a common after-effect of antidepressants. This very slowly goes away. Try to enjoy activities to the best of your ability in the meantime.

 

A lot of people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

[Violets]

So far, my sleep is okay, most of the days. That's the only thing that actually is decent and the only escape I get, because the dreams is the only place I feel like my "old self" before all this mess.  
I have experienced only 3 brain zaps in my sleep so far, but I often get brain shivers at daytime instead. 

I do indeed experience strong emotional anesthesia and anhedonia. The lack of feeling of human connection or/and attraction is very distressing. I actually feel some kind of attraction on a physiological and logical level, but there are no emotions attached to it and there is nothing enjoyable left either, but numbness. I am quick to forget the experience afterwards and can't recall it from an emotional perspective. 

 

I also can't get myself to worry about anything anymore and coupled with the PSSD and cognitive impairment, it actually gives me bad thoughts about not wanting to live anymore, because it feels so permanent. Reading many of other's stories of year-long struggle without any significant improvement doesn't help either. And even if it would get somewhat better, the original mental illness that I have developed makes it impossible for me to live a happy, functional life. The only thing that keeps me afloat are my parents, but it can't last that much longer anyways, so without going too much into detail, it seems like "game over" for me. They don't understand what is happening to me either and continue to encourage me to study, telling me that I am imagening most of this stuff and that it is in my control to change things. It makes it even worse to deal with. 

I also had an appointment with my GP about this reaction to the pills today, and he writes these symptoms off as my original depression, so there is no help to get there (which was obvious). Pretty sure that most of the doctors don't understand this, as it's very difficult to grasp or imagine unless experienced first-hand. I have no formal psychiatric diagnosis, but I feel like getting one will only result in more pill-pushing and that is totally unacceptable for me at this point. So that's where I'm at. 

Regarding the supplements, I actually take both of them, but I'm unsure if they're doing that much.
 

[Violets]

Just checking in.

 

The anhedonia I experience at the moment is completely unbearable. Coupled with PSSD and severe cognitive impairment and detachement, this seems to be a permanent state. I’m just existing in permanent agonizing «now» and I don’t think that there is any hope for me, according to the people who has been experiencing the same. My brain is damaged forever and I really hope that I somehow cease to exist pretty soon. I’ll never have a life worth living.  

[Gridley]

37 minutes ago, Violets said:

Just checking in.

 

The anhedonia I experience at the moment is completely unbearable. Coupled with PSSD and severe cognitive impairment and detachement, this seems to be a permanent state. I’m just existing in permanent agonizing «now» and I don’t think that there is any hope for me, according to the people who has been experiencing the same. My brain is damaged forever and I really hope that I somehow cease to exist pretty soon. I’ll never have a life worth living.  

 

From posts I've read on this site, in eluding Alto's above, anhedonia (which I have) resolves itself over time, as does PSSD.  When you're in the middle of it, it seems permanent but it isn't.  The brain has remarkable abilities to heal itself (neuroplasticity).  It may take take more time than any of us would like, but you will again have a life worth living.

[Violets]

@Gridley

 

Thank you for your encouraging words. I know that the brain might correct some of it over time, but it’s really hard being optimistic when things just seem to get worse and worse..

 

I’m also sorry to hear about your anhedonia. How long have you had it for? 

[Gridley]

9 minutes ago, Violets said:

 

I’m also sorry to hear about your anhedonia. How long have you had it for? 

 

Around two years.  

[Violets]

9 minutes ago, Gridley said:

 

Around two years.  

I see. But as far as I understand, you’re still tapering? 

[Gridley]

47 minutes ago, Violets said:

58 minutes ago, Gridley said:

 

I see. But as far as I understand, you’re still tapering?

 

Yes, I'm still tapering.  Before I discovered SA, I tapered Imipramine (which unlike SSRI's is a "brake" and should've been tapered after the more activating Lexapro) too fast and began to experience increasing anxiety.  That's when I tinkered with my benzo dose.  Then I discovered SA, updosed the Imipramine and began to taper Lexapro.  Since I'm polydrugged and all the drugs were "in play," I couldn't really figure out what was causing the anhedonia.  Just general dysregulation of my CNS, I guess.  I do know that my anxiety has decreased as I get lower on Lexapro but the anhedonia hasn't shifted.

 

I plan to finish out my Lexapro taper (2+ more years), then get off the Lorazepam and finally I'll get off the Imipramine.

Edited March 10, 2019 by Gridley

[Violets]

Okay, I see, I guess it’s not easy to tell which drug exactly caused your anhedonia. From what I’ve read, Lexapro is one of the most potent SSRI’s out there and is known to cause such horrible side-effects. In fact, it has messed with my enire perception of sensation and pain in my body, so the anhedonia is just the cherry on the cake. And I’ve «only» been on it for 2 months.. 

[Monty95]

14 hours ago, Violets said:

Just checking in.

 

The anhedonia I experience at the moment is completely unbearable. Coupled with PSSD and severe cognitive impairment and detachement, this seems to be a permanent state. I’m just existing in permanent agonizing «now» and I don’t think that there is any hope for me, according to the people who has been experiencing the same. My brain is damaged forever and I really hope that I somehow cease to exist pretty soon. I’ll never have a life worth living.  

 

Hi, 

 

I don't mean to be intrusive at all but I came across your thread and just wanted to let you know I really relate to everything you're experiencing at the moment. That is such an incisive description '...just existing in permanent agonizing now', it really captures exactly how i'm feeling also. The PSSD, emotional numbness and lack of engagement with others seem somehow linked, as though I've been removed from my life while crudely/vacantly going through the motions. Bizarrely I've also felt a sense of overwhelming love and an instinct to cling to family members coupled with extreme emotional responses to childhood memories, I understand this is linked to dysfunction in the amygdala, (though probably a radical oversimplification), I don't know whether you've  come across anything like this? I associate much of what you describe with damage to my frontal lobe, according to my understanding of the effects of SNRI drugs in stimulating excess dopamine production involved in innervation of this area of the brain and physical sensations of numbness and anaesthesia localised predominantly to my forehead. My understanding is that escitalopram is the most selective of the SSRIs in terms of restricting its effects largely to serotonin reuptake with respect to other neurotransmitters so  your shared experience undermines my theory to some degree, I suppose the brain is so complex and the drug interaction modulated by so many differing genetic/pharmacodynamic factors its very difficult to isolate any given mechanism as the source of dysfunction, especially since disruption of homeostasis inevitably has downstream effects on the activity of a whole host of neurotransmitters. Do you experience any similar brain sensations/numbness? (Okay, re-reading that last sentence I can kind of understand why my GP now thinks I belong in a psych ward 😕)

 

I find it really hard to come to terms with such a short duration of use in your case resulting in long term damage. I understand it can happen that symptoms can linger for years, particularly after an initial adverse reaction but think surely if your brain was capable of making the changes such a short time ago it should stand to reason that the changes can also be undone, even if it takes some time? Your brain should still have the same degree of neuroplasticity as it did a few months ago. That, coupled with the fact that you have no prior history of psychiatric drug use and your young age should mean your recovery is comparatively accelerated.

I've also come across some other threads in the forum where users have reported similar cognitive symptoms and say they feel they have recovered, so it does happen. I know they've only been occurring for a short time but have you noticed any windows and waves in your symptoms? (No pressure to respond at all if you're not feeling up to it, I completely understand).

 

Hoping you see some improvements soon-

 

Michelle

[Violets]

29 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

 

"as though I've been removed from my life while crudely/vacantly going through the motions. Bizarrely I've also felt a sense of overwhelming love and an instinct to cling to family members coupled with extreme emotional responses to childhood memories, I understand this is linked to dysfunction in the amygdala, (though probably a radical oversimplification)."

 

 

 

Hey, Michelle!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar experience. 

The things you write resonate extremely well with how I feel, or rather -not feel-, haha. (I the only thing I have left is some dark humor). Unfortunately I don't experience any sense of love or attraction. I do however seem to miss human interaction if I'm not getting any in a couple of days. While on the pills I didn't really feel that either. But yeah, I overall feel completely chemically lobotomized. It seems to get progressively worse too. When it comes to brain numbness, I experience a sense of having cotton in my brain. I also have occasional brain shivers in the left back of my brain. The most bizarre thing, however, is the lack/decrease of sensitivity in my skin and body. I can go hungry, have rapid heart rate, accidentally cut myself or freeze without actually noticing it or caring. It's like being a complete zombie. Do you experience anything similar? 

I would really wish that it got somewhat better soon, but I don't think this will be the case, I've already passed the one month- mark being off, so I guess it will be permanent/super-long term. I've actually read a completely similar story from a girl my age that has had the exact same experience and has not gotten any better at one year-mark (please see attachment). So I guess I should not be hopeful at this point. If anything, it sounds more promising in your case, since you actually experience the sensations of overwhelming love and clinginess and perhaps it will balance itself out with time. I also feel the need to be clingy, but it's not really based on my emotions, it's more of a call for distraction from this horrible state. I might have experienced a couple of "windows", but they last seconds or minutes, so I guess I could say "no" to your question. 

And don't worry, you can ask me as much as you want, I'll be happy to respond if I can help with anything. Unfortunately there isn't much one can do. 

[Monty95]

1 hour ago, Violets said:

The things you write resonate extremely well with how I feel, or rather -not feel-, haha. (I the only thing I have left is some dark humor).

 

Thanks so much for taking time to reply , that's really kind of you.

That's a great sign that you've managed to retain your sense of humour. I used to have a really dark sense of humour too, its strange, I can remember what I used to find funny but I can't engage with it at all, as though I'm cut off from who I used to be and can only access it through memory. I can absolutely relate to the sense of a worsening chemical lobotomy, its very frightening and isolating, I sympathise greatly with your circumstances. The only positive I can come up with is that its not a neurodegenerative disorder like Parkinson's or Alzheimer's and is likely to improve rather than deteriorate over the long term. I would say also that in my case the lobotomisation symptoms started about 1.5 months off, worsened rapidly and only now at about 3.5 months since the rapid taper have they stabilised somewhat and I am seeing glimpses of improvement, although like your experience they don't seem to last long and sometimes they're so subtle I wonder if I'm imagining them. There does seem to be a general trend towards improvement now though I think. Everyone's symptoms follow a slightly different trajectory but If you are seeing even short windows in your symptoms, that seems like a positive indication of potential future improvements. I should also say I reinstated a very small amount of effexor (1mg) and thought I saw a small improvement in my cognition after that, its difficult to say however, I was in a very different position to you in that I'd taken effexor for 4.5 years prior to stopping and had noticed no cognitive problems other than sedation/difficulty concentrating while taking it.

 

1 hour ago, Violets said:

The most bizarre thing, however, is the lack/decrease of sensitivity in my skin and body. I can go hungry, have rapid heart rate, accidentally cut myself or freeze without actually noticing it or caring. It's like being a complete zombie. Do you experience anything similar? 

 

 I did experience something a bit similar a few weeks after stopping - my skin became weirdly hypersensitive, (sorry about the overshare but my genitals did too), then maybe a few weeks to a month later I noticed the opposite had taken place and my skin felt anaesthetised. I don't remember seeing any mention of that on the patient information leaflet... Also I was recently unable to eat for a couple of days and unable to sleep except for a few hours over a four day period, the strange thing was that I felt neither hungry nor tired during that time, almost as though my circadian rhythm/ metabolic feedback ceased to operate - a really strange feeling, or lack of feeling I should say. Neurotransmitters affected by SSRIs and withdrawal are involved in hormone production and signalling also, they can affect just about every system in our bodies, its pretty scary. I also have a general sense of detachment, feeling very blank, thoughtless, distant from myself and surroundings which is more or less constant. I believe this is referred to as depersonalisation but I think it also ties into derealisation and lobotomisation, I find them hard to separate completely. I've also been pretty depressed over this situation but find myself unable to cry and emotionally numb so I can definitely relate in that sense.

 

2 hours ago, Violets said:

If anything, it sounds more promising in your case, since you actually experience the sensations of overwhelming love and clinginess and perhaps it will balance itself out with time. I

 

This has only begun to happen within the last couple of weeks, so I wouldn't read too much into it. I'm definitely seeking comfort and distraction also as I'm unable to distract myself or engage with anything complex at the moment; everything seems very distant and abstract. There is plenty of time for you to make progress with your own symptoms, they tend to shift a bit over weeks/months. I know you don't think so but I really think there are a lot of reasons to be optimistic in your case.(Its funny how peoples' own situations seem hopeless to them but they can be more objective and positive when it comes to others). Also, many people can experience symptoms for years but for some it does seem that or some it can resolve in 3-6 months, this could easily be the case for you, given your very short term use of one SSRI only. PSSD can last for years but many people do find it improves with time or goes away entirely, I believe Altostrata also had PSSD which resolved over a couple of years. 

 

I really wish I had some suggestions or could somehow magically solve this for you but I think you're right that there is not much to do except wait if reinstatement doesn't work or isn't an option. Gentle exercise, good nutrition and certain supplements can help but it would be nice if there was an antidote of some sort,( it seems especially unfair to me that you should be suffering in this way after such a short time on the drug).

 

Best, Michelle.

[Summer1]

Violet

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It is good that you have found SA. I wish I had found SA so early in my withdrawal. I like to think that I could have reinstated Lexapro/escitalopram so I could do a slow taper. In my case I had been off for too long. I took Lexapro as well as Wellbutrin and Xanax for 25 years.

 

Please believe that you will heal. My drug history is tangled but withdrawal began about a year ago. I know I have a very long way to go but I see signs of improvement. At first windows lasted just a few minutes. Now I have windows that last hours or even a day. Not every symptom is better at the same time. 

 

I really want to encourage you about your emotions. I am very slowly getting mine back. I always had anxiety and fought depression but did not feel positive emotions. I did not feel connected to people. Now my positive feelings are more frequent. Feelings of love and enjoyment of life will come again.

 

Waiting is very hard. Trust that you are healing while you wait. I have a journal for writing down positive thoughts and good things. It helps to write down all the reasons I have to be thankful. If I had a hard day maybe I was just thankful that I had a warm house. But now I can look at what I have written and see that many things are better.

 

I hope that very soon you will begin to notice ways you are healing. I have found many helpful videos and links here on SA. Being here has really helped me understand what I am going through. I am wishing you peace.

[Violets]

@Monty95

 

It just seems neverending, this nothingness. I know it takes time, but I don’t have that time, nor patience. I was suffering a lot with my depression, but this is even worse, now that I know that I have been chemically damaged and it might never imrpove. I am very gloomy, but this uncertainty and torture is too much to deal with. I can’t be functional and I can’t connect with other humans and it’s much worse than being «just» depressed. I’d rather take that pain over this. 

 

I too have had days in the past when I didn’t feel tired or hungry, in fact I really struggle with it right now, I don’t feel thirsty or hungry often. These pills have ruined every system in my body, it’s bizzare and I still can’t believe it. It makes it even harder to be hopeful and I’m really struggling with accepting it. 

 

Sorry for not being supportive, I’m just having a really bad day today. 

 

 

 

[Violets]

@Summer1

 

I see it might take years to even start get tiny glimpses of emotions, and that really scares me. I’m definitely not going to last that long. 

 

I have already done all the research possible, but there is no certainty or answers to this. I know you have been on the drug much longer than me, but as many of us experience, the time on the drug isn’t nescessary a precursor for how long this torture will last. It’s like playing with fire. But it’s nice that you’re noticing improvement after being off for so long. 

 

I also want to tell you all that I appreciate the support. I apologize for not being able to find any positivity in this for now, but I guess I have to hold on, because hope is the only thing one can have in this situation. And right now I don’t have any.

[Violets]

Pretty sure I’m one of those cases with permanent emotional blunting, anhedonia, no motivation, PSSD and the whole pack. 

 

Because there is no other tangible explanation as to why I haven’t felt any strong emotion while on meds and also off them now. My fight- or flight response is completely lacking too.

 

I remember experiencing this electric-shock-induced panic attack after a couple of days of taking escitalopram, and I guess that I have been numb since then, pretty much. I have to be one of the cases where I stay a living corpse with no feelings forever. Unless there are cases where people suddenly started to get back their feelings a couple of months after the last pill. Unfortunately I haven’t found any of this type of stories.. and it can only mean one thing.. I might be proven wrong, but where are such cases? This seems hopeless.

[ChessieCat]

It's only been a short period of time, although it probably seems much longer to you.

[Violets]

I am aware of that, but many others here experience it indefinitely (months and years) with no improvements. Quite obvious that this will be my permanent state now. I think I’m being pretty realistic.. 

[eymen23]

Hi Violets,

 

I’m sorry to hear of your suffering both before and after your Escitalopram experience. 

 

Emotional numbness and anhedonia are known side-effects of these drugs and they are also known withdrawal symptoms. I understand your desire not to reinstate at this stage, but I will warn you that this could lead to long lasting symptoms that span further than the emotional numbness and anhedonia which are your primary complaints. It sounds like the numbness is actually ‘covering up’ some of the suffering from other withdrawal symptoms, as you also mentioned hair loss, dizziness, parathesia and brain zaps previously. Have these improved? My concern is that as the emotional numbness and anhedonia lifts, you will be presented with other withdrawal symptoms full force. 

 

It is up to you whether you wish to reinstate and given your adverse reaction I can understand your reluctance to take Escitalopram again. What you may find though is that a small dose like 0.25-0.5mg is enough to take the edge off some of the withdrawal symptoms without causing any further adverse reactions from the drug. I notice in your post from March 3rd that when you dropped from 7.5mg to 5mg you experienced a temporary worsening in dissociation. I’m wondering if a small reinstatement could actually reduce some of the emotional numbness and anhedonia, which may have been worsened by your fast taper from the drug.

 

You noted that Escitalopram is a very strong SSRI. Yes, mg for mg it is stronger than other SSRI’s, but doctors don’t usually prescribe as high a dose, so please don’t allow this to add additional fear or convince you that you’re doomed because of the drug or your dose. 7.5mg of Escitalopram is similar to 15-25mg of Citalopram when comparing effects on serotonin reuptake, and many people have taken 40-60mg of Citalopram. That’s not to say 7.5mg is a baby dose, but it’s certainly not uncommon or worthy of additional concern. 

 

You have noted on several occasions that this is permanent or that there is no hope. 

 

1) On the Internet you are always likely to find the worst case scenarios. If I had experienced issues on Escitalopram, quickly tapered off and recovered in 2 months, I’d be a lot less inclined to find sites like this than if I had suffered long term. 

 

2) Your story and experience, is not the same as somebody elses. There are many unknowns with these drugs, and seeing that somebody else suffered for many years or with little improvement, is not indicative of your personal prognosis. Sure, it gives you an idea of the very worst case scenario, but it doesn’t make it likely or certain. 

 

3) There are many things happening behind closed doors, that we can’t see over the Internet. Some people experiencing these strong symptoms will end up trialling different drugs, turning to alcohol or recreational drugs, have toxic relationships or home lives to contend with etc. This is something I notice more and more when reading through these cases, there are often facts that are overlooked. 

 

To summarise, I think that it’s unlikely that you will suffer without improvement for a long time (or forever). Even in the posts above, Monty describes trends of improvement and glimpses of hope after just 3.5 months. I know that your current symptoms will make it hard for you to think positively or feel hopeful, but please try and believe that you will get better. Adding additional stress by believing you will never improve or are hopeless, can make things worse and lead to worse outcomes. Try to do everything you can to look after your body and mind. Regular sleep routines, take low intensity exercise when you can, avoid stressful scenarios, surround yourself with people you love. It’s hard when you feel like you’re going through the motions, but it can still help on a deeper level. @Carmie has talked about doings things she enjoys, even when she feels emotionally numb and I think this is an extremely important thing. If one decides they are a lost cause and never does activities they once enjoyed, there is little reason for feelings of excitement and joy to come back online. 

 

Please remain hopeful. Even before my experience with SSRI’s, I had some very difficult experiences with anxiety and awful DP/DR and I managed to heal and live a great, fulfilling life in the time between then and a few months ago. 

 

Take care and please keep us posted. 

Edited March 13, 2019 by eymen23

[Button]

Hi Violets, 

 

Sorry to intrude. 

I was trying to find someone with something similar to myself and I can relate to a lot of what you have experienced and experiencing. It so scary, and I’m sorry we are going through this. Especially your brain feeling empty and instead of feeling emotions when I should my body seems to shiver or I’f I want to cry I can feel it logically but there seems to be this pressure and tingling barrier. How are you doing? 

 

 

[Violets]

@eymen23

 

Thank you for your reply and advice. 

 

To answer some of your questions:

no, I no longer get brain zaps, I only get brain shivers when I’m supposed to feel something. Instead I get this shivering sensation in the back left part of my brain. Regarding the hair loss, my hair has structurally changed, it has gotten thinner and softer, which is pretty weird, but I guess that my genes have been altered by escitalopram. But the hair is not the greatest of my concerns. 

 

All the symptoms I have now are pretty much stable and nothing changes from day to day, no variatons in mood or physical symptoms, so it seems pretty permanent to me, it has lasted for 5-6 weeks already, and it indicates that the probability is very high that I am one of those cases where people are stuck in this forever.

 

I don’t think reinstatement will help to get my libido or emotions back, since I never had it on the drug either. If anything, I felt even more zombified on it. The only thing that was better was my cognition, but that’s about it.

 

But again, thanks for taking the time to reply and encouraging me. Sorry to hear about your bad experience, hope you’re doing okay. 

[Violets]

 

Hey, @Button! 

 

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through the same thing as I do. I read through your thread and I can highly relate to your experience, it is truly a horrible state to be stuck in. Feeling sort of «normal», but in reality it’s an illusion because it’s just a complete flatline. So if there is any comfort in it, know that you’re not the only one going through this. 

 

How old are you by the way? And how are you doing cognitive-wise?

I would assume that your cognition must be affected as well.

[eymen23]

8 hours ago, Violets said:

@eymen23

 

All the symptoms I have now are pretty much stable and nothing changes from day to day, no variatons in mood or physical symptoms, so it seems pretty permanent to me, it has lasted for 5-6 weeks already, and it indicates that the probability is very high that I am one of those cases where people are stuck in this forever.

 

Hi Violets,

 

You seem very certain of your prognosis, but I must add that 5-6 weeks is a very small period of time when it comes to antidepressant withdrawal and adverse reactions. I feel consistently ‘bad’ for 2-3 weeks following a relatively small 10% cut in dose, before having windows and patterns of improvement. 

 

I think it’s perfectly normal for you to feel negative about your condition and the long term consequences given how bad you are currently feeling, but please be aware that others have recovered from similar symptoms, albeit in a longer time frame than 5-6 weeks.

 

I hope you feel better soon. 

[India]

On 3/2/2019 at 9:29 PM, Violets said:

Since stopping I suffered two weeks of accute physical withdrawal (flu-like symptoms, nausea, dizziness etc) but I thought that it would be over and I would go back to «normal», but now it is clear to me that I also suffer from protracted withdrawal (permanent brain damage) and the symptoms are scary and debilitating. I suffer from parasthesia, brain zaps, tinnitus, severe derealization, emotional numbness and extreme apathy to a point where I can’t force myself to get up and eat. I feel completely braindead and my cognition is ruined, the past month has gone by in a haze and I can’t remember or recollect much of it. This is extremely terrifying and almost worse than the original depression

@Violets This description was practically identical to my description of my too fast taper and as I’ve spent 8 months on the site , I read the same set of symptom descriptions over and over and over. I too lost my intellectual/cognitive capacities overnight. This is obviously withdrawal . The good news is people are also healing left, right and centre too. I hold onto that and the brief window I had in December/January.

[India]

@eymen23 Your long post really uplifted me too. I agree with you on other variable factors influencing WD.