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RedMachine: stuck between two rocks

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RedMachine

I feel low & numb & anxious & stuck in my own head & struggling with intrusive sucidal thoughts.

I first started panic attacks through a couple hangovers didn't no much about them which they were scary, went to doctors to ask advice straight away given citalopram told to take once a day did so for a few weeks till I realised I didn't want to be on these and they were antidepressants, then the trouble started panic attacks everyday so went back to doc & given sertaline tried for less than a week and symptoms was to bad stopped then went back to doc & given citalopram liquid tried for couple weeks had like a high effect which wasn't good & finally given mirtazapine was on it for over a month with really bad lows and symptoms at first then started to ease but I still didn't want to be on a mind altering drugs! So I got told to just stop. Now from July 10th 2018 that's when all the issues have started been a rocky road ups & downs but I'm sat here thinking what's the next steps as I feel low and numb and sucidal thoughts all the time shall I go back to the drugs or ???

Struggling with no sleep 

Sucidal thoughts 

Anxiousness 

Low mood

Snappyniess 

No interests in life 

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Shep

Hi, RedMachine.

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

Have you been off all drugs since July 10, 2018? Are you currently taking any supplements?

 

Here is some information on withdrawal to get you started: 

 

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain

 

Healing from antidepressants. Patterns of recovery video (4 minutes)

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

You may find some helpful information to handle your symptoms here: 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements, as many members report their nervous systems are simply too fragile to handle them. However, magnesium and fish oil tend to be calming to the nervous system and many people report they do help. Please only add in one supplement at a time and at a small dose. For more, please see:

 

 King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

Please add a signature.  Include drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements in the last 12-24 months. Also include supplements. This will help us give you the most accurate advice we can. 

  • Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
  • Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago) 
  • Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016. 
  • Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
  • A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
  • This is a direct link to your signature:  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

Please continue to use this thread to provide more information and to ask questions. 

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RedMachine
Posted (edited)

Citalopram 10mg start of April 2018 - finished citalopram mid April after 2 week, off for a week

 

Sertaline 50mg for 2 days around 21st April - finished after 2 days, off for about 2 weeks.

 

Citalopram liquid 5mg around 10th May - finished around 2.5 weeks later near end of May, off for around 10 days 

 

Mirtazapine 15mg from June for a month till 10th July 

3rd July fast reduced the mirtazapine, halfed the tablet every couple days.

 

Thats was all 2018, previously smoked weed & drunk 

To this day not took no medication apart from iburprofen which gives me bad side effects 

When i have a alcholic drink effects me really bad 

Take no supplements 

Tried night nurse a few days ago as im sick of having a bad sleep which has promethazine & paracetamol in 

I have been struggling to this day with all symptoms & side effects 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
changed from all CAPS

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Shep
Posted (edited)

Hi, RedMachine.

 

Thanks for the additional information. Please add your information to your signature. Here is a direct link: 

 

  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

Having it in your signature will help the staff without us having to re-read your thread. 

 

Please don't use all capital letters. A moderator had to go in and change your last post due to it being in all caps. Please note on the internet, all caps comes across as an "internet scream", so we prefer lower letters for this reason. 

 

 

20 hours ago, RedMachine said:

Tried night nurse a few days ago as im sick of having a bad sleep which has promethazine & paracetamol in 

 

I'm confused by what you mean here. Are you taking another drug now? Please give us more information about this. 

 

Edited by Shep
fixed typo

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RedMachine

No currently taking no drugs now since 10july2018 only iburprofen a couple times. 

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RedMachine

It's been 8months now I don't no where i stand I don't no weather it's all in my head and if it's really me shall I go back to the medications or..? 

These past 2 weeks have been really bad like I've been unwell and run down and like I've gone back wards what to do

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Shep

RedMachine, were you only on these drugs for about 3 months?

 

Reinstating at 8 months out is risky, but with all of the drugs you went through during that time, did any of them help with symptoms such as sleep or anxiety? 

 

On 3/12/2019 at 11:44 AM, RedMachine said:

When i have a alcholic drink effects me really bad 

 

When was the last time you drank alcohol? 

 

I'm going to comment again about fish oil and magnesium. Instead of reinstating any of these drugs, you may want to try this first. 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements, as many members report their nervous systems are simply too fragile to handle them. However, magnesium and fish oil tend to be calming to the nervous system and many people report they do help. Please only add in one supplement at a time and at a small dose. For more, please see:

 

 King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

Try adding in magnesium first to see if that is helpful. Start with a low dose and spread it out throughout the day and into the evening. Perhaps try an Epsom salt bath to help with anxiety and sleep. 

 

It may take awhile for these symptoms to fade out, but with your short history of being on these drugs, your injured nervous system will get better in time. These links may help:

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

Acceptance

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Non-drug techniques for dealing with body pain

 

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RedMachine

It totally must of been 3 months yeah, I've never previously had trouble with sleep issues or anxiety in my life & mirtazapine is good for sleep but all medication caused me anxiety.

The last time I drank was 4 weeks ago I had 2 drinks & I felt really low for 4 days with bad anxiety.

Thanks I will try stay clear of the medication abit longer as 8 month is a long time.

I'm also going to read about the supplements and try some slowly.

Just the past 2 weeks felt like I've gone down hill.

I've recently gone back to work 2months ago part time which is taking it out of me.

My fatigue is really bad also just struggling to do the smallest things.

I started the gym 2 months ago which helped some days but noticed doing to much only made things worse.

Not been able to go past 2 weeks as I've felt so bad.

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Shep
22 hours ago, RedMachine said:

The last time I drank was 4 weeks ago I had 2 drinks & I felt really low for 4 days with bad anxiety.

 

I've seen alcohol mess up many people during withdrawal. It's really best to abstain until you are well past feeling 100% back to normal. It's possible this has set you back. But I'm sure you'll feel better in time. 

 

23 hours ago, RedMachine said:

Thanks I will try stay clear of the medication abit longer as 8 month is a long time.

I'm also going to read about the supplements and try some slowly.

 

I think this is a good plan. Try a bit of magnesium and see how you do. If that goes okay, add in a bit of fish oil.

 

Remember to avoid caffeine, sugar, and processed foods, as much as possible.  A lot of us become hyper-sensitive to these foods during withdrawal and find our recovery is better without them. 

 

23 hours ago, RedMachine said:

My fatigue is really bad also just struggling to do the smallest things.

I started the gym 2 months ago which helped some days but noticed doing to much only made things worse.

Not been able to go past 2 weeks as I've felt so bad.

 

Try just going for a 15 - 30 minute walk every day, in nature, if possible. Just getting out for a walk in the sunlight can be very helpful.

 

Many of us experience exercise intolerance, so a gentle walk and some gentle stretching is the best exercise until the fatigue lifts. 

 

 

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Bee5
18 minutes ago, Shep said:

I've seen alcohol mess up many people during withdrawal. It's really best to abstain until you are well past feeling 100% back to normal. It's possible this has set you back. But I'm sure you'll feel better in time. 

 

I can't drink alcohol at all during my taper - have SEVERE anxiety if I drink just two drinks (New Years party messed me up for 4 days). Have decided to abstain until I'm done tapering, and I will be tapering for the next few years so bye bye alcohol.

 

I think you may have tapered too quickly off your meds.

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RedMachine

Yeah I'm staying clear from drinking now due to the effect for nearly a week.

How does everyone manage there day to day symptoms and what to do do when feel really bad?

How do people manage there intrusive thoughts about suicide?

Why am I having a really bad few weeks that feels like I'm going down hill? 

 

Bee5 

How was your withdrawal and medication? 

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PerAsperaAdAstra
2 hours ago, RedMachine said:

How does everyone manage there day to day symptoms and what to do do when feel really bad?

How do people manage there intrusive thoughts about suicide?

 

I would advise you to have a look at the links with the coping techniques that were mentioned by Shep. It's all a matter of radical acceptance, even when confronted with suicidal thoughts etc. Thoughts and emotions can be really awful during withdrawal, and things only get worse when you fight it.

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RedMachine

Cause I don't obviously want to do suicide  i dont evan want to die i just get these thoughts popping into my randlomy I could just be sat there watching tv and pops into my head like do this or could do this. 

But I am sick of the torment in my head and think it would be easier not being here, but I want to be free & happy and live my life. The thought of death is scary going to sleep forever leaving everyone behind.

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RedMachine

What is everyone like at 8 months of ?

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RedMachine

Why does my head feel funny sometimes of the day comes and goes?

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eymen23

Hi RedMachine,

 

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with these difficult withdrawal symptoms. My understanding is that you’re now 8-9 months off all psychiatric medications. 

 

You’ve mentioned a ‘coming and going’ of symptoms, as well as feeling like things are getting worse. These are known as the ‘windows and waves’ of withdrawal. It is extremely common for symptoms to intensify and then disappear, or even morph into new symptoms. This process can happen for a long time, until we start to see clear patterns of improvement and we feel better more often than we feel bad. 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/

 

I know you also asked how other people are getting on at 8 months off of medication. The truth is, this journey is different for everybody. Some individuals find they are ok after just a short few weeks, and some find that it takes years to fully recover (although they start to improve long before that). I would say that having read through the experiences of many members here, obvious improvement and some level of stabilisation is common after 12-24 months, but this is simply an observation and it may not be the case for you. You may feel just fine in a few weeks, or you may be going through windows and waves for some time yet. 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/17909-are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/

 

Now that you are experiencing such withdrawal symptoms and your nervous system appears to be destabilised, we strongly suggest you make every effort to take care of yourself. This includes:

 

1) Maintaining as positive and optimistic an attitude as possible. 

 

2) Reducing or walking away from unnecessary stress such as toxic relationships, excessive commitments, bad working environments etc. 

 

3) Taking low-intensity and uplifting exercise. This could include walking or hiking in nature. High-intensity exercise such as weight training is stressful to the body, and it’s common for it to ramp up symptoms. 

 

4) Eat a balanced a diet, avoiding any foods you seem sensitive too. It’s wise to avoid alcohol, caffeine and an excessive sugar intake. These things are damaging even to healthy bodies, and can be especially harmful to those who are sensitised by withdrawal syndrome  

 

5) Manage the worst of your symptoms by using non-drug coping techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness and CBT techniques. These tend to be most effective when practiced on a regular basis, not just when we are feeling our worst. Using athletes as an example, they train to be strong and fast when competing, not just in the gym. Regular practice of these types of techniques, helps increase our emotional resilience, which comes in super handy during waves. 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

 

I hope these resources help and answer some of your questions. Please take care of yourself and keep us updated on how you’re doing. 

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RedMachine

Like growing pains in the head which are burning what are these about?

 

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RedMachine

Also what affect does the sun & warm weather have as I'm going abroad next month for a week?

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Shep
On 3/21/2019 at 10:24 AM, RedMachine said:

Also what affect does the sun & warm weather have as I'm going abroad next month for a week?

 

Some people are heat intolerant during withdrawal, so you may want to try going out in the sun and warm weather for short periods of time until you see how you do. 

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RedMachine

Thank you. How long have you seen the insomnia & intrusive thoughts last 

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RedMachine

Thanks, I'm currently back in work past 3 months now i dont feel to bad at work but when i get home it's like it all hits me & i feel so low & the intrusive thoughts become stronger with the suicidal thoughts

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RedMachine

What's the best way to deal with suicidal thoughts 

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Shep

Try to catch your thoughts as early as possible and re-direct them in more healthy ways. The purpose is to keep your thoughts from spiraling into dark places.

 

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

It can help to have a list of things to do to re-direct your thoughts, such as going for a walk, listening to music, watching funny videos on YouTube, or playing video games. This is called "changing the channel".

 

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

You may also want to check out some of Dr. Claire Weekes talks on dealing with anxiety. A lot of times, if you can calm your anxieties, you won't spiral into suicidal despair. 

 

How To Recover From Anxiety

 

Another technique is a mindfulness technique. As one of my favorite mindfulness guru Mooji says, "Your thoughts are just visitors and you are NOT a hotel. Don't invite them in!"

 

In other words, the suicidal thoughts are just withdrawal speaking to you. And it's full of toxic lies. No need to listen. 

 

You will feel better, RedMachine. No reason to listen to anything else. 

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RedMachine

Why is this hot weather making me feel so ill,  cant cope  

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RedMachine
Posted (edited)

Topic title:  Really fed up

 

I have currently gone abroad for a week, the weather is really hot. I cant stop having panic attacks now I am here and my anxiety has gone so worse so has the intrusive suicidal thoughts. I am 10months of mirtazapine on may 10th.

I wasnt doing so bad at home I was just about managing but now I am here cant manage one bit 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
added topic title

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powerback
2 hours ago, RedMachine said:

Topic title:  Really fed up

 

I have currently gone abroad for a week, the weather is really hot. I cant stop having panic attacks now I am here and my anxiety has gone so worse so has the intrusive suicidal thoughts. I am 10months of mirtazapine on may 10th.

I wasnt doing so bad at home I was just about managing but now I am here cant manage one bit 

 

A difference in environment has set your anxiety off +the heat .hydrate loads and nice walks out of the midday heat ,nothing over the top.

don't let the panic and anxiety drive you to drink alcohol ,when anxiety is high we reach for things to appease it .I unconsciously  self medicated my anxiety for 20 years and destroyed my life [sober over 4 years now].

The intrusive thoughts are apart of anxiety .knowing this will ease your distress .you will need to practice all the links that shep provided going forward in your recovery .

Breath deep and put some relaxation videos on youtube .it will calm down .

Take care.

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RedMachine

Thanks it's just hard not being at home & have to wait till the 29th. Just the panic attacks are happening for no reason atall. Which then is making me feel low cause I cant enjoy myself and relax plus I am struggling to eat.

Why do i keep getting problems with acid reflux.

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powerback
41 minutes ago, RedMachine said:

Thanks it's just hard not being at home & have to wait till the 29th. Just the panic attacks are happening for no reason atall. Which then is making me feel low cause I cant enjoy myself and relax plus I am struggling to eat.

Why do i keep getting problems with acid reflux.

My heart goes out to you ,I can just imagine .stop thinking about anything but breathing and relaxing ,thinking of the 29th will just make you worse ,trust me ,you will be ok .

Acid reflux is normal ,your system is in panic mode so digestion isn't a priority at the moment ,you are in fight or flight .

our bodies constantly dealing with the world around us ,our subconscious minds are ticking away while we aren't even aware of it.

make sure you hydrate ,in that heat its crucial .cold showers also .

You will be ok ,no one dies of panic attacks,i know the irony of it ,it sure feels like it .

Take care.

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RedMachine

Why is are anxiety and thoughts worse from the evening and roll on 29th 

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Gracee

Anxiety is the worst.   Do you sometimes take benzos to take the edge off?

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RedMachine

No take no medications refuse to as I am anxious to evan take them 

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Santino

HI RedMachine

According to your description... i notice that all your symptoms are simply WD ones. I was a short time user of Mirtazapine same as you but for the 3 months that i used it i took mroe than 1.9 years to taper it.

If i was you i would try to:
1. Start Magnesium, Vit B and C in the evening. Magnesium is for body and muscle relaxation, Vit B is for the brain, Vit C is a cortisol regulator which plays a role in anxiety especially if you have it in the morning. For me it was working big time.
2. Try Fish Oil in the morning because it includes Omega 3 which is very bad for the brain.
3. Your symptoms will come and go in a pattern of windows and waves. Most probably now that you are abroad you seem to have entered into a wave which makes the things worse. Anyway you have to be proud that you have been able to travel while in WD. IN my very bad times i was not able to make plans for the next day even. So when on a bad day just try to push through it.... soon it goes down and settles.
4. Try to have a normal sleep 6-8 hours per day... and working is good too.
5 As far as the gym is concerned do not over strain yourself. The best thing at your position is 5-8 km walk every day.... your nervous system is very delicate now so overstraining it gives effects immediately to your brain.
6 . as far as the strange thoughts are concerned.... it happened to me as well. Just staying there having a normal thing and i would get just look a knife and strange things would come into my mind... or just staying near a balcony and i would get terrified by the immediate thought that i could jump over it and finish off. It is your WD brain playing tricks on you my friend. Just let those thoughts be there.... you have yourself in your hands... If such thought comes into your mind just lay down and tell yourself that such thought is completely normal. Nothing is gonna happen if you do not act it out. Normally it soon goes away and after some time you learn not to get scared from such thoughts... I HAVE BEEN THERE AND I KNOW THE FEELING.
7. Avoid alcohol, Coffe,  carbohidrates, raw sugar. These were the main enemies for me while in WD.

By the way i am completely normal right now buddy... and you will be too... same as before. I swear about it. You are brave for going to work and living through this. You will prevail.

All the best

Santino

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RedMachine

Thank you santino that was a great reply. I appreciate it alot. Would you be able to tell me more about your withdrawal how it was and how long it took ect.... 

When I read some stories on here I just look to see how strong I actually am with not evan being 10months through yet and just pushing and continuing my normal life evan thoe it's a struggle. 

Would you be able to tell me how to proceed in continuing my journey pushing through to my normal life.

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Santino

Hey RedMachine

Read my intro topic and than read my success story. You will definitely understand the difference my friend. I was in a terrible spot and today i have reagined my life back. While in WD i never thought i would be able to be the same again.

All the best

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Gracee
18 hours ago, RedMachine said:

No take no medications refuse to as I am anxious to evan take them 

 

Amazing how well you are doing with zero meds.  Great work!   Best wishes. 

G.

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