☼ Katy398: I’ve tapered too quickly, what should I do?

[Boris]

1 minute ago, mstimc said:

 

As long as neither of us cuts off an ear, I think we're on the right track! 😄

 

Haha!

[Dragon]

Hi Katy, you're getting some brilliant advice on here. It's helping me too, especially the idea of being creative. I started small in a creative way, by firstly doing some sewing. Just repairs that had been hanging around some time. Then cake making. I had to force myself, but it is so worth it. I too have found soaking my feet in Magnesium to be soothing.

In a different way, it's also creative going round the site supporting others, as you do.💙

 

Another creative thing can be writing a journal. I'm doing that. You could start it using the entries you've made on this thread. That is not only creative but also useful to your recovery, as you will be able to chart your progress.

[Katy398]

Thanks D, I am so grateful for all the support on here. I’ve also started to tackle the mending ‘cupboard’ !!

I used to journal but I’ve stopped. I found I focused too much on what was happening in my head. For me I need distractions and to feel a sense of purpose. Offering support to others helps me feel a sense of worth in my fragile world. It really helps me too. The entries on here tend to be when I’m desperate, completely overwhelmed I guess I could just journal then. Also, weird I know, but I don’t like my handwriting which is another annoyance with journaling. Maybe I should just type. 

Helping others is by far the best distraction for me. 

Take care D I’m off to see what’s happening on your page now. Still don’t get notifications even though I changed the setting!

Thanks my love Kx

 

[Katy398]

Thank you @Borisand @mstimc well done for all the awards. I’m certainly not in the award winning league maybe the managing to clean my teeth and do the washing up,  league. How I’d love to have something in my life that I’m proud of. But I guess we can’t all be a Van Gogh. This wave is so bad I’m just curled up needing to hide away from this terrifying world. Another day of life ticked off. 

[Dragon]

Think of it as another day closer to recovery, one that you have endured with courage.❤️

 

Also, don't think in terms of big awards, but of small steps forward. It's just that Boris and mstimc are flagging up what we can aim for. They are leading the way, that's all.

 

In my case, I feel I've achieved something when I've cleaned my teeth and got dressed, (instead of loafing around in a dressing gown all day!) xx

[Snorky]

13 minutes ago, Dragon said:

Think of it as another day closer to recovery, one that you have endured with courage.❤️

 

Also, don't think in terms of big awards, but of small steps forward. It's just that Boris and mstimc are flagging up what we can aim for. They are leading the way, that's all.

 

In my case, I feel I've achieved something when I've cleaned my teeth and got dressed, (instead of loafing around in a dressing gown all day!) xx

Hi D

 

I’d give a million dollars to loaf around in a dressing gown all day😀Only joking, just shows how varied our symptoms are. My inner restlessness wouldn’t allow anything like that.

 

God bless.

[Katy398]

You’re right D, I hope I didn’t come across as scathing,  it just been a really trying day. Now I will try and sleep and start a new day tomorrow., take care everyone 🧡

[Dragon]

Katy,  you are never scathing, and I'm sure nobody thought that. ❤️

 

Keep your head held high and move forward with small steps.xx

 

@Snorky I'm sorry about your restlessness, and I realise that having restlessness is not the same as having energy to do things.  Sometimes my energy is so low that getting dressed is a huge ordeal. Fortunately, I don't have the inner restlessness you describe any more (at the moment, anyway)xx.

[Katy398]

Hi Folks, You know when this panic comes over me I don’t understand what life’s about. I really feel stuck on this treadmill and fearful of the present and future whilst being very regretful of the past. Why didn’t I do more now it’s too late that time with the children has gone. How can I make it up to them. I’m trying so hard to have faith that one day I’ll write a success story I also practice acceptance when in the thick of it. But I can be at work I get a trigger and the past,  present and future of life just overwhelm me. I know it’s must be WD but is there anyone else who has experienced the same. I listened to a Wayne Dyer clip it made sense but later it triggered me. I’m frightened I’ll get to the end of life and think oh no, I got it all wrong. I’m scared.K

[Happy2Heal]

oh (((Katy))) try not to look back nor forward

 

we can't change the past

we can't predict or know the future

 

all we have is today, all we have is right now

 

It's something I struggle with all the time- when I'm not feeling the way I'd like to, I either retreat into the past,

or I obsess about the future, trying to plan for things that may never happen, or alternatively, think about things I"m going to do once "x" has happened (for example, I'm in the middle of getting ready to move, and it's not fun, so I spent a lot of time thinking ahead to all the stuff I'll do after I'm moved in)

 

in the meantime, I'm not really investing anything in today, so it's no wonder I have crappy days!

staying in the moment is hard when the moments aren't great, and I think those are the times when it's good to pull out fond memories of the past

OR turn to dreams and plans for the future

 

and ignore things that aren't  helpful, like regrets and fears.

 

you are so kind and gentle with your posts, you are doing a lot of good supporting ppl here, while you yourself are suffering

 

You are already a "success". You are make the best of today AND even better than that, you are making a positive difference in other ppls lives

 

you're doing great. I know it doesn't FEEL that way, but you are.

 

❤️

 

[Dragon]

Hi Katy, as Happy2Heal says you are already a success. You give wise words of support all around this website and they are always kind and gentle. You have certainly helped me. Everything you write is well thought out and easy to connect with. Even when you feel desperate, you never lose sight of the suffering of others. If that isn't success I don't know what is.... As H2H says we only have the present, be good to yourself and stay in that. If it's any help I have experienced the fear you mention. It is withdrawal and it does come and go,.... eventually, I am confident, forever.💜

 

As you know, my brain has seized up with the wretched flu so I'm not very coherent at the moment. I hope what I've said makes some sort of sense and you feel better soon dear Katy. xx

[Katy398]

Dearest H2H and D,

Thank you soo much for your kind words. You’re both so beautiful, I’m so grateful that I have your support in my life. Even with the flu D you still reach out to me and we’ve never met. I’m sorry, I’m quite old school and I’m astounded by the compassion an online community provides. I really used to believe online could never replace face to face life. . I’m not sure I’d be here today without it. This forum has certainly been far more supportive than ‘most’ (excluding  G, R and I 🙏) aspects of my  ‘face to face’ world,   who struggle  to even believe me, let alone support me. I feel truly blessed, I really do. ‘Thank you’   just doesn’t seem anywhere  near enough to express my appreciation.  🙏,what angels 👼 xxxxx

[Katy398]

Hi Folks here I am again back to my wretched weekends.  I just wanted to ask if there are any folk who have recovered from PAWS  who can give me an idea as to how year 2 went for them. @mstimc I read on snorky’s post that you took 3 years to heal. I just want an idea of  how year 2 went for people. Look I’ve got a bit of stress happening at the moment which makes WD and my weekends a struggle worst. Again and again just reaching out for a bit of encouragement. Hope someone out there can give me a few moments of their time. 

Take care everyone we can do this. 

K

[Happy2Heal]

52 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

Hi Folks here I am again back to my wretched weekends.  I just wanted to ask if there are any folk who have recovered from PAWS  who can give me an idea as to how year 2 went for them

although I've been on this forum for a long time I am still confused about what PAWS is

 

what does it mean to you?

[Katy398]

Maybe I got it wrong.  I thought it was Protracted Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome. Look Sorry H2H I do get very confused when I get this anxiety. 

[Happy2Heal]

30 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

Maybe I got it wrong.  I thought it was Protracted Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome. Look Sorry H2H I do get very confused when I get this anxiety. 

oh NO no no, you didn't get anything wrong!

I literally never knew what it stood for or why some ppl say Protracted withdrawal and some say Post acute, I don't know if that's the same thing or what, do you?

 

in any case to answer your question, I am assuming I had protracted withdrawal, it took me several years to recover, but the first year was the worst.

the second year wasn't wonderful but it was SO Much better, I almost felt healed, it was that much better.

I was starting to relax and not feel so wired and anxious and could sleep better and think more clearly.

 

it was all pretty gradual and most of the time I didn't even realize I was having a symptom til it was gone, which was weird but wonderful.

I don't know if I was just in denial or if the previous symptoms were so bad, that the lingering ones seemed like "nothing".

but that may give you an idea of how much better things get after the first year.

 

 

eventually you may end up like me: I am so relaxed now, have no anxiety at all, that I've started to put on weight and I've gotten kind of get lazy.  *blush*

I don't have the energy that I got from being anxious to spur me into action. I'm not depressed either, I'm just really relaxed. Content, I guess.

Ok I am in the middle of moving so I can't say I'm really lazy but I when there's nothing I have to do, I am perfectly happy to lounge around doing nothing LOL

That would not have been possible even 6 mos ago.

 

 the short version is, yes you'll get to this point too I believe

 

I'm sorry your weekends are so rough!

 

do you have any plans, anything that you're looking forward to?

 

[Katy398]

Thank you so much H2H.

year 2 better than  year 1. that’s good. 

I cant read random success stories today because the 5/6/7 year stories scare me. I think the time scale should be in the title to help us. Some folk want to read the 7 year posts because they are on 7 years and want encouragement that they will heal. Others could really make use of the 2 year healed posts. 

 

I just wanted  a bit of support. I cannot tolerate any stress, so today is worst than last Sunday. I know Ill heal eventually and I just have to ride today. No pressure, just ride it.  But a bit of gentle encouragement would be lovely.

 

 

 I’m actually looking forward to paying some builders to do some work on our house DIY is too hard during WD. Today I think I will have to be just another bed day. As long as I don’t get into panic mode because that’s hard on everyone. 

 

 

I wonder is it ok to keep on asking?  I try to give back as much as I can but worry I might get into trouble on this site for asking the same thing over and over again. Sadly it’s the way my brain is working, constantly seeking encouragement. I have no taper to do, a frightening 20 mg jump of Lexapro which is a high strength AD. I made the not reinstating  decision through genuine fear of adverse effect. So here I am all I can do is ask for is encouragement. It’s a bit embarrassing. I do see others needing it and I totally identify with it. Am I making sense? because sometimes I don’t  you know !

 

Anyway not pushing today, resting after little sleep,  so have to be gentle with myself.

 Kx

[Happy2Heal]

39 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

I wonder is it ok to keep on asking?  I try to give back as much as I can but worry I might get into trouble on this site for asking the same thing over and over again. Sadly it’s the way my brain is working, constantly seeking encouragement. I have no taper to do, a frightening 20 mg jump of Lexapro which is a high strength AD. I made the not reinstating  decision through genuine fear of adverse effect. So here I am all I can do is ask for is encouragement. It’s a bit embarrassing. I do see others needing it and I totally identify with it. Am I making sense? because sometimes I don’t  you know !

 

of course it's ok to keep asking

 

 

and yes you're making sense, no worries there

 

don't be embarrassed, it's not your fault that you're feeling this way. It's the changes in your brain as it gets back to it's pre AD state, as it's healing

 

You seem to be very good at knowing what you need, sounds like your plan to take it easy this weekend is what's best.

 

 

[Katy398]

Thank you H2H, 

You’re so kind. 

Lack of sleep is not good at all It makes these tragic symptoms so much worse. This time tomorrow my stressful day will be over. I’ve just got to try to be strong and not fear it too much. 

Thank you .

Take care K

[Katy398]

Lexapro is so scary. Does anybody know of anybody jumped off at 20 mgs and survived. 

What have I done? 

14 months out and today I’m really scared. 

[mstimc]

7 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Hi Folks here I am again back to my wretched weekends.  I just wanted to ask if there are any folk who have recovered from PAWS  who can give me an idea as to how year 2 went for them. @mstimc I read on snorky’s post that you took 3 years to heal. I just want an idea of  how year 2 went for people. Look I’ve got a bit of stress happening at the moment which makes WD and my weekends a struggle worst. Again and again just reaching out for a bit of encouragement. Hope someone out there can give me a few moments of their time. 

Take care everyone we can do this. 

K

 

Hi Katy

 

Year Two was very much "windows and waves" for me.  In many ways it was more disconcerting than constant anxiety and WD symptoms  because just as I thought I was on a straight trajectory to recovery, Id' get knocked down by another wave and have to start over.  It was incredibly frustrating but it also taught me to take things as they come and ride out the waves, because I knew another window would come.  You'll get there!

[Katy398]

Oh thank you @mstimc

Every single morsel of support and encouragement helps. 

Thank you for your time.

Today has made me realise I’m still not ready to  take on any amount of additional stress. 

Take care sincere gratitude Kx

[mstimc]

12 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

Oh thank you @mstimc

Every single morsel of support and encouragement helps. 

Thank you for your time.

Today has made me realise I’m still not ready to  take on any amount of additional stress. 

Take care sincere gratitude Kx

De nada!

 

You will get through this--you're very much on the right track, as unpleasant as it may seem now.

[Dragon]

7 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Thank you so much H2H.

year 2 better than  year 1. that’s good. 

I cant read random success stories today because the 5/6/7 year stories scare me. I think the time scale should be in the title to help us. Some folk want to read the 7 year posts because they are on 7 years and want encouragement that they will heal. Others could really make use of the 2 year healed posts. 

 

I just wanted  a bit of support. I cannot tolerate any stress, so today is worst than last Sunday. I know Ill heal eventually and I just have to ride today. No pressure, just ride it.  But a bit of gentle encouragement would be lovely.

 

 

 I’m actually looking forward to paying some builders to do some work on our house DIY is too hard during WD. Today I think I will have to be just another bed day. As long as I don’t get into panic mode because that’s hard on everyone. 

 

 

I wonder is it ok to keep on asking?  I try to give back as much as I can but worry I might get into trouble on this site for asking the same thing over and over again. Sadly it’s the way my brain is working, constantly seeking encouragement. I have no taper to do, a frightening 20 mg jump of Lexapro which is a high strength AD. I made the not reinstating  decision through genuine fear of adverse effect. So here I am all I can do is ask for is encouragement. It’s a bit embarrassing. I do see others needing it and I totally identify with it. Am I making sense? because sometimes I don’t  you know !

 

Anyway not pushing today, resting after little sleep,  so have to be gentle with myself.

 Kx

 

Just my two pennies worth, but it seems to me that the 6/7 year people seem more common than they really are because they are more committed to the site as they have been coming here for help for so long. They are therefore more likely to come back with recovery stories when they do get there. The people who take two years or less are less likely to come back, so it looks as though there are less 1--2 year recoveries than there really are.

 

We could certainly do with hearing from more people who recovered after one or two years, for me as well as you Katy.

 

I'm sorry, I can't work out how to quote just the first part of your post as I wanted to.......xx

 

Keep asking for reassurance, I'm sure nobody minds.❤️

[Snorky]

10 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Thank you so much H2H.

year 2 better than  year 1. that’s good. 

I cant read random success stories today because the 5/6/7 year stories scare me. I think the time scale should be in the title to help us. Some folk want to read the 7 year posts because they are on 7 years and want encouragement that they will heal. Others could really make use of the 2 year healed posts. 

 

I just wanted  a bit of support. I cannot tolerate any stress, so today is worst than last Sunday. I know Ill heal eventually and I just have to ride today. No pressure, just ride it.  But a bit of gentle encouragement would be lovely.

 

 

 I’m actually looking forward to paying some builders to do some work on our house DIY is too hard during WD. Today I think I will have to be just another bed day. As long as I don’t get into panic mode because that’s hard on everyone. 

 

 

I wonder is it ok to keep on asking?  I try to give back as much as I can but worry I might get into trouble on this site for asking the same thing over and over again. Sadly it’s the way my brain is working, constantly seeking encouragement. I have no taper to do, a frightening 20 mg jump of Lexapro which is a high strength AD. I made the not reinstating  decision through genuine fear of adverse effect. So here I am all I can do is ask for is encouragement. It’s a bit embarrassing. I do see others needing it and I totally identify with it. Am I making sense? because sometimes I don’t  you know !

 

Anyway not pushing today, resting after little sleep,  so have to be gentle with myself.

 Kx

Hi K

 

Hopefully you’ll be fast asleep at this moment in time😀 I couldn’t help notice your ref above to having “just another bed day”. It shows how varied WD is, as my symptoms don’t allow this. Insomnia at night, no let up to mental tension and pains to allow a lie in and massive exacerbation of symptoms if I try and rest in bed. (On own or with husband) I guess it’s my species of depression, anxiety and restlessness??

 

God bless you.

[Katy398]

6 hours ago, mstimc said:

De nada

Not to me 🧡

It means so much to get this support, and from folk I’ve never met. So beautiful Thank you K

[mstimc]

10 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

Not to me 🧡

It means so much to get this support, and from folk I’ve never met. So beautiful Thank you K

 

Some great people, including Altostrata, helped me through WD and recovery on paxilprogress.  I'm just paying it forward! 🙂

Edited March 1, 2020 by mstimc

[Katy398]

2 hours ago, Snorky said:

my symptoms don’t allow this. Insomnia at night, no let up to mental tension and pains to allow a lie in and massive exacerbation of symptoms if I try and rest in bed. (On own or with husband) I guess it’s my species of depression, anxiety and restlessness??

You Know Snorky I think you’d be surprised that like you most of us are finding our symptoms absolutely debilitating at times in whatever form. We can’t really compare symptoms to see which are worse. We are all really deeply struggling on here. Bed ridden, terrified with anxiety is not a good place to be either. Try not to compare , we are all suffering terribly but remember we are all healing daily no matter how slow. 

Take care K

 

[Katy398]

2 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Some great people, including Altostrata, helped me through WD and recovery on paxilprogress.  I'm just paying it forward! 🙂

I will be in the ‘paying it forward’ team one day 🙂Thank you For now I try to give a little and ask for, well maybe a bit more. 🙏When the time comes these proportions are definitely going to flip. I know, it’s just challenging in the interim.

Thank @mstimc, your a gem

Kx

[Ballardbeer]

2 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

I will be in the ‘paying it forward’ team one day 🙂Thank you For now I try to give a little and ask for, well maybe a bit more. 🙏When the time comes these proportions are definitely going to flip. I know, it’s just challenging in the interim.

Thank @mstimc, your a gem

Kx

it sounds like you’re doing quite well today Katy!! I’m stuck in bed myself this morning, which is okay because it beats the alternative. Later maybe I’ll conquer the day... maybe not. Just happy to be recovering myself. Hope all continues well in your recovery. 

[Snorky]

37 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

You Know Snorky I think you’d be surprised that like you most of us are finding our symptoms absolutely debilitating at times in whatever form. We can’t really compare symptoms to see which are worse. We are all really deeply struggling on here. Bed ridden, terrified with anxiety is not a good place to be either. Try not to compare , we are all suffering terribly but remember we are all healing daily no matter how slow. 

Take care K

 

Hi K

 

That didn’t come out right at all. Absolutely no intention to downplay anyone’s symptoms. I know we’re each plagued with our own basket and just have to deal with it. I was struck my your comment, and I know many others have such days when they are so overwhelmed by panic and anxiety that they can do nothing other than rest up on safety of their home.

 

Sorry 

[Katy398]

Look No worries Snorky. This can be so consuming. I get it I really do. You will get through this. Try to take each day as it comes. If you focus on gratitude and just observe the symptoms but don’t give them much of your time,then move back to your gratitude list it can actually rewire  your brain and make WD easier to manage. The symptoms are still there big and bold but by trying to ignore them as much as possible it can make the journey easier. Imagine walking up a steep hill it’s easier if we focus on the top of the hill than if we labour on how hard each step is. Look it’s a skill to practice, it doesn’t happen overnight but slowly it will make your WD easier. Take care Kx

[Snorky]

1 hour ago, Katy398 said:

Look No worries Snorky. This can be so consuming. I get it I really do. You will get through this. Try to take each day as it comes. If you focus on gratitude and just observe the symptoms but don’t give them much of your time,then move back to your gratitude list it can actually rewire  your brain and make WD easier to manage. The symptoms are still there big and bold but by trying to ignore them as much as possible it can make the journey easier. Imagine walking up a steep hill it’s easier if we focus on the top of the hill than if we labour on how hard each step is. Look it’s a skill to practice, it doesn’t happen overnight but slowly it will make your WD easier. Take care Kx

Thanks K

 

I mentioned previously I’d started 121 talking therapy through my employer. Part of this involves keeping a journal (another one) to record my daily mood, but also to record different people snd things I’m grateful for.

 

We’ll have to see how it goes.

 

Thanks

[Katy398]

That’s  wonderful news Snorky. Unfortunately it’s not an overnight fix, sadly nothing is, but little by little we can change our brain. Just like we can establish a habit to say, make our bed, we can establish a habit to focus on positives no matter how generic. My gratitude list often  included, a roof over my head, food on my plate, warmth in my house and my supportive partner. 

I am so aware that not everyone is fortunate to have  these on their list.  I must be grateful they are on mine. 

By all means acknowledge your symptoms.  We can’t ignore them if only we could.   They have that amazing habit of tapping us on the shoulder with increasing pressure  until we are forced to acknowledge them. So acknowledge them you have to but spend more energy/ time acknowledging all the things on your gratitude list. Work on deep gratitude,  truely appreciated you are so fortunate to have these things on your list. I never did this before WD I didn’t even believe it was worth doing, how wrong I was. Now I practice it so deeply that I it becomes like meditation. I really think it helps. It felt false when I first started, almost trite but the more I did it the more I see the good things in amongst the pain, terror and fear. You can do this too. You really can. 

Take care Snorky I know what these early stages feel like they’re horrid but they do change. 

Take care K🧡

[Katy398]

I wasn’t sure where to post this so I’ve put it  here Mods feel free to move it if deemed it should be elsewhere.  

 

@Happy2Heal mentioned ‘Wired for Happiness ’ somewhere, not sure where. Very interesting  though, I’ve been watching Rick Hanson on You tube.  I think  somewhere along the way I’m going  to have to do some ‘Work. ’ Much as I’d love this withdrawal to disappear eventually and leave me reborn as a fully functioning human( I might be lucky who knows) I suspect it’s not going to be that ‘easy’ Anyway well worth a look in, I found it fascinating and it’s given me a bit of a lift that I might be able to get through this to the other end.

 

By the way is this normal with WD?

For months I’ve had a twitch in my left eye, now that’s suddenly stopped and moved to my right eye. I’m guessing ‘normal,’ these symptoms are so random.

 

Thanks for all the support 

Take care everyone 

Remember we all heal 

K

 

 

 

[Goosie]

I have all kinds of twitches too.