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Katy398

Katy398: I’ve tapered too quickly, what should I do?

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)
On 1/3/2020 at 8:33 PM, Katy398 said:

Hi MMT,

Thank you so much for reaching out. Do a warrant a ‘here comes the sun’? I actually don’t know. I survived the first year, this is true. I’m still in the thick of waves and windows, still plagued with existential doom and dread. I am still very frightened. My sleep has been ok for the last few days, I managed to do two days in the garden tackling some of the many overwhelming tasks both of which are positives. Because I CTed from taking ADs for 20 years with the  last AD being a very high dose of a very strong AD I am very scared of how many years I have to endure this. I don’t know of anyone who CTed under in similar circumstances, who hasn’t had to endure many years of WD. 

Thank you for your kind thoughts MMT, encouragement like this keeps me going.

So pleased you survived your ordeal. Take care thanks again Kx

 

Yes.  You do.  I'll hide the Sun, for now, and honor your request.  Maybe I will surprise you, and put it on back when you get the next long lasting window Katy.

 

And woah, that's a lot.........gardening while feeling yuck.  Plants need sunshine to grow.  Humans need it to heal too and you will get better, it will get easier.  And sleep!!!  Woohoo.

 

Don't get too lost in trying to convince the doctors right now........it can be extremely frustrating and you don't need that.  Anymore frustration.  I left you a bit more in PM.  Itty bitty touch of citalopram might be helpful.......even if it just works as a placebo for you.  I know we've discussed that before and I see Alto mentioned the option again just prior to my sunning.  You could liquify and even just take .25 mg every day.  And what are you doing with your supplements right now?  The magnesium and/or omega's?

 

And let's get to work on more non-drug coping too.  Skills and all.  Do you have a bathtub?  Sounds odd but that became my refuge for a long time.  That and the Epsom salts.  And I still get hit, once in awhile, too.......with the tougher emo stuff.  I go to meditation groups and take walks.  Going to get back into yoga.  Oh, and swimming........so great for me........I get mellow after just a few laps.

 

I've got to run today, back soon.  ((((((((Katy398))))))  Waving my healing wand too.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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Katy398

Thank you MMT,

look I’m doing heaps of non drug coping. Fish oil and magnesium exercise most days and yoga weekly. Unfortunately I don’t have a bath tub. I suffer daily from doom and dread and terrible fear. I constantly have a nervous knot in my stomach that periodically throughout the day tightens up so much that,  I end up just bursting into tears. Reinstating after 1 year out scares me. There are so many stories  on here of poly- drug  rescues after late reinstating. Everything seems to be frightening. 

Tale care MMT and thank you, you’re doing so well. Kx

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Goosie

Hi @Katy398    Have you tried swimming when you feel the fear?   Water can be relaxing.   Just getting in a pool/ocean was helpful for me.   

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Katy398

I haven’t because I get so cold but I could try at the local swimming pool. Thank you Goosie so kind to reach out. 🙏

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Gridley
1 hour ago, Katy398 said:

yoga weekly.

Katy398, I don't know if you've tried this restorative yoga pose, but it's helped me with anxiety.


10 minute Restorative Yoga for Relaxation | Up the wall

 

I can believe it when they say going off AD's is harder than heroin.  I think Kelly Brogan, the anti-drug psychiatrist, says the same thing.

 

I hope you're doing okay today.

 

 

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Katy398

No one would believe it’s harder than heroine unless they’d lived it. 

I can imagine. The time scale for this is crazy. Thanks for yoga suggestion I do it but not enough maybe I should trying it during my meltdown moments. Thank @Gridley for reaching out to help. 

Take care hope this year is better than last for you Kx

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Lloyd

@Katy398 I did a reinstatement of 37.5mg of Effexor back in 2017 after about 1.5 years off it and i was fine within 6-8 hours like everything was good again. Problem was a few months later i was given Sifrol (Pramipexole) for restless legs syndrome. Everything went to hell after taking that drug and i tapered off the Effexor again because i was having panic attacks. Have been waiting to see if i can get through it & see some improvement. Still not sure if i'm going to end up back on the Effexor.

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Katy398

oh Lloyd,

I so sorry you are on the

reinstate/ sit it out dilemma. You’ve been off 18 months now. Have you seen any improvements. It’s so hard it really is.  I’m plagued with panics, doom and dread. Most of my friends are going through empty next Syndrome as their kids are getting older. I have Empty Nest Terror. Every challenge for me is off the scale. I just want to curl up and hide from this frightening world. 

Take care Lloyd 

little by little

Kx

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Katy398

I read so many exact  symptoms as my own by so many,

 

2 hours ago, Elyssa143 said:

my brain automatically goes to suicide of course i dont want to die. Did yours last this far out too? And did your brain automatically go straight to that? This feeling scares me. I already have the awful intrusive si and thoughts about life not being worth it. I also get scared that im this far out and still feel like this, i get scared it means i wont make it or something.  My biggest fear is getting worse or not being able to handle it and giving up.

 

I have to say in a a brief moment of a window, I find it fascinating that our brains are behaving in exactly the same dysfunctional manner. I panic about something I said or did 40 years ago when I was a teenager. Every error of judgement in my life it seems, is flooding back into my consciousness. How does this happen? What is going on in our brain? I want a neurologist to explain the mechanics of what’s happening in our brain. Why the negative memories why not the positive? How can the withdrawal distinguish between what we perceive as +ve or -ve? It’s so individual. 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you to all those wonderful folk out there supporting each other.

Take care Kx 

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wantrelief

Hi @Katy398 and @Elyssa143:  I share the same symptoms you are both mentioning.  Unfortunately I am still on drugs (citalopram is no longer "working" and I also am on Klonoin - ugh).  Katy, I too have intrusive memories, often about people or past situations from long ago that I am embarrassed or ashamed about (your question is such a good one....I don't know why the brain chooses only negative memories).  Elyssa, I am suffering from very frequent SI.  It will just come up randomly as thoughts/images or if something goes wrong (like if I have a disagreement with my husband), my brain will automatically go to suicide.  I am getting a lot of headaches and that seems to trigger it as well.  I am so sorry you are both suffering from these symptoms but it does help to know that I am not alone in this daily battle within my head (I feel so stuck in my head).  Others have healed from these same symptoms so we will too in time....it is just so hard in the meantime!  Stay strong, WR.

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Katy398

Thank you @wantrelief It really helps to know others have the same symptoms which means it’s withdrawal symptoms not dysfunctional me symptoms. SI is the hardest for my husband to understand 

37 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

very frequent SI.  It will just come up randomly as thoughts/images or if something goes wrong (like if I have a disagreement with my husband), my brain will automatically go to suicide.

It seems to be my default setting. 

Because it’s such a taboo subject it is good to find somewhere where we can be open about our symptoms no matter how terrible.The symptom of  SI is the reason I so desperately want the outside world to know about what is happening to everyone. Naive I know but why is this situation so slow to be acknowledged by the medical profession. 

Thanks for your reply @wantrelief,

take care  We All Heal Eventually

Kx

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Ballardbeer
29 minutes ago, Katy398 said:

The symptom of  SI is the reason I so desperately want the outside world to know about what is happening to everyone. Naive I know but why is this situation so slow to be acknowledged by the medical profession. 


ive actually thought about this a lot. I only experimented with sertraline for 8 months and it has been 6 months of withdrawal with SI coming and going. A lot of it I have traced back to early trauma, but the unnatural amount of SI that occurred in the last 6 months ... inhuman is the only way to describe it. Writing out my own safety plan with my counselor helped. And avoiding any situation where it seems more frequent (driving, for me). 

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Katy398

It’s so tragic @BallardbeerMy heart goes out to you. I wish there was more action out there to promote change. Glad you have a cousellor to help you. I just want the powers that be to listen. We need research we really do. Thanks for dropping by. It really helps me thinking there are people out there who care. 

Take care 

Remember We All Heal Eventually.

Kx

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Katy398

Is there anyone out there who remembers what the the fear, doom and dread, terror and intrusive thoughts were like AND  has recovered completely from them. 

 

I have a concern that this is the new me and I have to now work out a drug free strategy to overcome this, rather than just waiting it out. 

 

Pre meds I experienced a touch of most of my symptoms.  Now all the ‘little’ things I went on the meds for initially have come back in extreme proportions. 

SI

anxiety

depression

Fear

 

 I need more reassurance that this is withdrawal and not the new ‘med free’ me that I have to learn how to repair.

 

Is there anyone else with the same questions?

 

Sorry if I keep asking the same old same, old but as we all know, part of this whole thing is the need for constant reassurance.

I ask my partner throughout each and every day.

Are we going to be ok?

Are you ok?

Are the boys Ok?

 

I need reassurance on tap!!

 

Please share your thoughts. 

Kx

 

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Ballardbeer

Hey Katy, I recently experienced a close death, and it sort of clicked to me that my feelings and emotions are new, real, and amplified. In time you’ll be comfortable with it I bet. It’s gonna be okay

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manymoretodays

Katy398,

It's gotten so much better for me.  Occasionally, I do slip into the depths again.......briefly.......and know now, that a thought is just that.......that it isn't always the truth.  It took me awhile to, to learn to live in this new paradigm, that I now live in.

 

I mean look at my signature Katy!  30 years and 30 meds!  I round up a bit, just for convenience.  And I never subscribe to having permanent brain damage, or any of that.  I am some kind of miracle, me thinks. 

 

It's a process.  It is.  I would never go back now though.  I have great faith.  And it's been a great journey, still is.  It's not that I'm strong or any of that either.  This is way healthier than "that" ever was.  For me.  I think it can be and will be for you too. 

 

And I have great faith that you will heal further as well!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Life is good for me these days, all told, in all honesty.

Edited by manymoretodays

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Ballardbeer
13 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Thank you @Ballardbeer and @manymoretodays, It’s so tough.I don’t need to tell you this I just need to say it. 

@Ballardbeer Are you ok, near death sounds shocking. 

Thanks folks thank you

Kx


I had a colleague and mentor pass in his sleep (heart attack). It was a shock, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle the emotional rollercoaster. Then I realized I’ve never been more well equipped to handle all those emotions. Your post resonated with me because I have largely felt like I am “too much” and the emotions too intense. Well, I felt MORE recently, and it’s okay. I’m doing the best I can, just like the rest of em, but with my 3rd eye wide open and aware of how much my CNS is activated. 

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