serotoninsyndromesufferer: would appreciate help with diagnosing what is happening to me

[Dave1]

I read your story, I am in a similar position. Feel very hopeless, can’t seem to reinstate on meds, trying to stay calm that my body can eventually heal, but it’s trying. I long for my life before I went cold turkey/ I had everything. Hang in there man. Please keep trying and don’t give up.  

[Boris]

I remember a similar feeling very well after taking what I thought to be mdma in a club. This was 3 months after a adverse reaction and reinstatement 10 years ago. My world became a crazy hell and I thought I'd done permanent damage, I couldn't convince myself otherwise. I recovered from that and all those symptoms related to that incident very slowly went.

 

Please hang in there, it will slowly get better again. 

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

Thanks for support. 

 

It's impossible to recover tho. Too much changed, tou much lost. I can't believe how stupid I am, utterly stupid. 

[jozeff]

Sero,

 

Hang in there!!! You are young and you will heal. Hopelessness is our worst enemy. You must try to take it day by day! Not looking weeks and months ahead. That will not work.

 

Try to enjoy the hours that are relatively good and tough the other hours out. It sound hard and it is hard but you are not permanently damaged. I don't believe that.

 

Look for as much distraction as you can.

 

Cheers

Jozeff

[pinciukas]

5 hours ago, serotoninsyndromesufferer said:

Thanks for support. 

 

It's impossible to recover tho. Too much changed, tou much lost. I can't believe how stupid I am, utterly stupid. 

Honestly I don't understand you. You are sure that you can't recover. How do you know? Any medical facts? Who told you that it's impossible to recover? People recovering from stroke, tumors and so on. They can't walk but after some time they are walking. My neighbour recovered from stage four lymphoma. And you telling yourself you can't recover? Sorry it's bullsh*t! But first what you need to do start to believe in recovery this is the first step. Good luck!

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

I believe in recovery, but I also believe that some people are beyond recovery. I was very severe case before my crash, but I was improving and could improve maybe to functional degree in next years. I would really like to believe I can heal, but unfortunately I know how damaged I am now and how hard and slow was my improvement from previous, much less severe state. I don't want to stick to false hope, especially if I already experienced so many different reactions one after another, hence I know what my body can heal/improve and what it can't. 

 

Most people here can heal or improve to very significant degree, but I am one of most severe cases i found on the internet. I have been through too much, and can't lie to myself that stuff will just go away in its own. My body is unable to maintain some kind of homeostasis and every change sticks, that was true since the very beggining of my story. I did some bad things to my body through healing journey and these stayed as well, although I also managed to do good things which stayed and moved me into better grounds. 

 

I really appreciate your concern, especially that cases like mine, where there was no drug forcing and voluntary experimenting, do not get much attraction here. Maybe thats true, maybe I deserve my fate, I killed myself because of my bad decisions. 

[Cathy4]

35 minutes ago, serotoninsyndromesufferer said:

I believe in recovery, but I also believe that some people are beyond recovery.

Sero, 

The part of you that believes in recovery continues to post on the forum.  This is a good sign.  
Cathy

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

I'm still getting worse. I have ghost smells, motor issues, my skin hurts, my body feels like glued. I can't really sleep, when I reach the sleep phase my body makes moves, I get spasms. My whole perception is severly altered, everything feels awry. 

 

It's beyond imagination. 

 

[Cathy4]

I’m glad you’re still hanging in here even though it’s really really awful. I do hope that things change and get better.  I know nothing anyone says really feels like it matters when things are so bad, but just happy to see you posted.  

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

Thank you for your support. 

 

Unfortunately my CNS is deteriorating, the nootropic interfered with my damage very badly. I suspect that in next months my state will not allow me to take care of myself. Even now I can't really make my food or clean my house. My body is collapsing, I can't walk. 

 

It's completely crazy, a month ago I was getting better and better, walking 20k steps a day, shopping, basically being physically functional and free. 

 

My brain was a patchwork, it couldnt handle anymore of artificial substances. I should have known that, now my life is definately over. 

[ciasim]

Hang in there. Things will improve. 

 

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey, I just read through your whole topic and I‘m shocked how miserable you are. It must be indescribable hell for you, if not worse!

I‘m so extremely sorry that you‘re suffering so much! But I can tell you, you will heal! It takes a while before you heal from a strong adverse reaction, but it will happen!

Please don‘t give up! In a few years you will be able to look back on this and just forget it! And live a happy life!

In the meantime, you really have to try to think positive. And I know how hard that is! But only being negative will prolong your healing!

 

You‘re still so young (like me). We both have such a long time of life ahead of us. What we are going through now is only a small bump in the way of life. You want to feel good again, but that‘s only possible if you stay alive!

all the best to you!

[Rozon1]

hey @serotoninsyndromesufferer... listen man. I'm going through a lot of my own ****. So it's hard to sit here and truly care about anyone elses problems man but I want you to know you. You will get through this. Don't think it's over. We both will and we'll be able to talk about it someday. Please hang in there. Don't do anything stupid and I mean that ****.. Suffer for as long as it takes. We love you

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

11 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

Hey, I just read through your whole topic and I‘m shocked how miserable you are. It must be indescribable hell for you, if not worse!

I‘m so extremely sorry that you‘re suffering so much! But I can tell you, you will heal! It takes a while before you heal from a strong adverse reaction, but it will happen!

Please don‘t give up! In a few years you will be able to look back on this and just forget it! And live a happy life!

In the meantime, you really have to try to think positive. And I know how hard that is! But only being negative will prolong your healing!

 

You‘re still so young (like me). We both have such a long time of life ahead of us. What we are going through now is only a small bump in the way of life. You want to feel good again, but that‘s only possible if you stay alive!

all the best to you!

Thank you for your support. It really means a lot for me. 

 

Yes, I am very negative since the very beggining. Unfortunately I have been through so many adverse reactions, and my hope for healing has been gone long time ago. I knew that I won't improve even before my last reaction to nootropic. Although I thought that maybe I can reach some functional level again, go to work and live somehow. 

 

Now, it's all gone. I am bedridden, without any brain activity for action. I lost whole year of improvements, treatments, and what is even worse, I lost whole dopamine in my brain, have severe dysautonomia, my vision is a shot and many many more. I understand that most of you can still stay positive, because you still have your life, your personality and energy in CNS to heal. It's not the case for me. 

 

Yes, I want to feel better, but I also have to be rational and honest to myself. I know how my body was healing and know that if your body looses energy, it won't repair itself.   

 

It's utterly devastating situation for me. I lost my almost all my health, just because my stupid mistake. I was very naive and reckless, mainly because I didn't feel anything and couldn't estimate the risk. My previous state was very hard for me, but I was left with some hope for improvements and some kind of life. Now it's gone and nothing can be done about it. 

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

11 hours ago, Rozon1 said:

hey @serotoninsyndromesufferer... listen man. I'm going through a lot of my own ****. So it's hard to sit here and truly care about anyone elses problems man but I want you to know you. You will get through this. Don't think it's over. We both will and we'll be able to talk about it someday. Please hang in there. Don't do anything stupid and I mean that ****.. Suffer for as long as it takes. We love you

Thank you very much. 

 

Yes, I am trying to hang in there, mainly because I can't leave my wife alone. Although I know there will be time, when I will have no resources to live, and everyone will be totally fed up with me being unable to function. Then I probably won't have any reason to keep going. 

[leavingorganon]

I’m not trying to minimize your suffering but please know that whatever exposure you had to psychoactive medication is a blip compared to what some of us has gone through. I alone have been on medication since 2005 with periods of extensive polypharmacy and in much higher dosages than what you were on. Last year alone I was on a combination that hit multiple classes of meds (antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, and stimulants). Yet, I don’t construct an irrationally bleak narrative and resign myself to that based on nothing except neurofeelings. It’s simultaneously both vexing and silly to be honest.

 

There’s still a part of you that has hope otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here. I’d recommend that you cultivate that part and stop using this thread to feed a silly fatalistic narrative.
 

It’s like you really badly want to have things irrevocably unrecoverable. No one and nothing can help you out of this idea except yourself. 

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

4 hours ago, leavingorganon said:

I’m not trying to minimize your suffering but please know that whatever exposure you had to psychoactive medication is a blip compared to what some of us has gone through. I alone have been on medication since 2005 with periods of extensive polypharmacy and in much higher dosages than what you were on. Last year alone I was on a combination that hit multiple classes of meds (antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, and stimulants). Yet, I don’t construct an irrationally bleak narrative and resign myself to that based on nothing except neurofeelings. It’s simultaneously both vexing and silly to be honest.

 

There’s still a part of you that has hope otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here. I’d recommend that you cultivate that part and stop using this thread to feed a silly fatalistic narrative.
 

It’s like you really badly want to have things irrevocably unrecoverable. No one and nothing can help you out of this idea except yourself. 

I agree that my posts can be annoying to some, because they bring no value and are pure venting. I also know that nobody can say anything that will comfort me or hive me hope, so it can seem that this kind of posting makes no sense. 

 

On the other hand, I disagree that my suffering is not as big as I try to picture it. I have read a lot of stories, met a lot of people, who suffered from psych drugs, and I can say with a clean conscience that my case is one of the worst out there. I know that it sounds like exaggerating, but I'm trying to be as honest and as objective as possible here. Time of exposure means nothing, and adverse reactions are much more severe than withdrawals. I don't think I can proove the point only by describing my symptoms, but when your brain looses ability to generate any significant activity, there is not much chance that it will heal itself. At least as far as I have seen in such cases. 

 

I don't have neuroemotions, although when you read my posts you may think I suffer a lot. I do mentally, but I don't feel anything in my brain or body. I know that for a person with functioning brain and feelings it may seem like unreal scenario, where everything goes wrong, but in my case it really is. 

 

Yes, I want to have some hope. I want to be alive and I want to heal or at least be able to have some life, but I haven't seen anyone with such extensive adverse reactions exposures who would heal, so you also have to understand that I can't really hope that my case will be much different. 

 

I don't badly want things to be unrecoverable, but I can't change the reality. My mindset doesn't change anything, I won't recover emotions and brain activity by thinking that they will heal. CNS is very powerful tool of healing, but if it doesn't work at all, is switched off, it doesn't matter what you think, because thoughts don't affect body by emotions, and emotions are what change the body's chemistry. 

 

I really appreciate that people care and want to cheer me up. That's great, and it also helps me. I also know that noone here can say that I will heal and give me exact reason why or give me examples of people like me, who healed. Nobody knows what will happen with me, if I will be able to improve or will deteriorate till I will be unable to live. 

 

I just want my thread, to be some kind of alert and prevention for people like me, with severe symptoms, emotional anesthesia, severe cognitive impairment, loss of personality, to know that there is no sense in rushing things, and there is a chance that they improve to some functional degree over next years, but only if they won't take anything that can affect their CNS. I know that there is not much value of my thread than that. 

[Cathy4]

13 hours ago, serotoninsyndromesufferer said:

I know that there is not much value of my thread than that. 

I think your thread is of value.  It makes me think more critically and ask myself difficult questions.  I also think we’re all brave/courageous because of what we are going through trying to get off of/recover from the damage these medications have done.  
 

I agree with you that time of exposure, dosage, and all the variables have very little to do with how someone’s nervous system might react.  
 

I’d like to think/believe that everyone will heal in their own time, but do I know that for certain?  No, I don’t.  I do believe that our bodies want to be healthy and achieve homeostasis—this is something I heard Dr. Andrew Weil say many years ago and it made sense to me.  Somedays when things are particularly turbulent, I cling to that belief.  
 

I think this process we go through forces us to change on many levels.  I know I am having to consciously change how I talk to myself everyday, and it isn’t easy.  
 

We are fighting a worthwhile fight to get our minds, bodies, souls back.  

[leavingorganon]

Hey Sero, you came to mind today and I wanted to check up on you. Hope you’re doing well and improving.

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

I did improve to some degree within last year. I still had empty head, no emotions and some other symptoms, but my body was in quite a good shape and I had energy and enough cognition power to start engaging in "normal life". I started selling things online and making some money. I had a daily schedule, I cared about my diet, looks, public image etc. 

 

And again, I destroyed it. I don't know yet how much, but four days ago I took some drug that worsened me again. I'm not so bad like after previous reaction, but I can't continue my life that I started. I don't have much energy to describe everything, and I'm sorry that I come here only when I'm getting worse, not better. 

 

It's obvious for most people that we shouldn't touch anything brain altering while recovering, but it seems I have some auto destructive mechanisms inside my mind that come out when I start feeling safe and good. 

 

Remember no to treat your nervous system like it was healthy when starting getting better. I forget this over and over.

 

I just hope I will recover from this reaction too.

[Brucie]

Sero,

That’s awesome you got better in a year. Thanks so much for updating. That is helpful and inspiring.

I do hope kindling is not permanent. I can accept that drinking is nonnegotiable anymore, but idk how long I can give up exercising.

I see your point that tapering and avoiding adverse reactions is more impactful than the length of use. Although, all of our symptoms are different. I did not take meds for very long at all either.

Without a shadow of doubt, if I am misdiagnosed one more time I could easily croak. I can’t even dream about trying remedies that are suggested. I wish I could even dare take a supplement. I wish I could eat one bite of something besides potatoes and oats for the last 3 months. I can’t go in a store because I’m triggered by multiple chemicals in the air.

I CTed Ashwagandha after only 1.5 years, and yet due to adverse reactions from an Adderall (amphetamine), 24h Allegra (antihistamine), toxic paint exposure, a paradoxical reaction to meclazine (motion sickness), and 2 setbacks from food allergies, I went from very healthy 25 year old to suddenly disabled.

Going cold turkey really opened the door for adverse reactions or kindling.

Before I knew about PAWS, I was truly optimistic and making plans. I don’t blame myself and neither should you, but that’s the last time I will self-medicate or take medication unless it’s a dire emergency.

 

I am sorry I still cannot figure out where I create a signature.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/25684-brucie-swaying-loss-of-balance/?tab=comments#comment-552943

 

[Sofa]

@serotoninsyndromesufferer How are you doing now? Suffering with the same symptoms

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

Hello,

 

Since 2021 to 2023 I managed to have some normal life, without emotions, with bad cognition, but I managed to figure out how to live with it. My state was improving, very slowly, but it was getting better along months and years.

 

I ran into some private problems with my wife and started getting quite nervous about it. I had a nootropic called P21 in my fridge, I hesitated to take it for a long time, but somehow this state induced some kind of cluelessness and I decided to take very small amount of it. At first it didn't do anything bad, so I took it again after few days. This time it irritated my brain.

 

For over 2 weeks I was in state of extreme CNS activation. I felt my body in a very intense way, hunger, pain, sounds etc were much stronger than in my normal state. I also was getting some minor pseudo-feelings of anxiety and concern. Every day was different, once I was very anxious, then I was calm in the evening and optimistic. Sometimes I had a lot of energy, sometimes I was tired. It seemed the state I managed improve to allowed the substance to put my body in a rollercoaster state.

 

After 2 weeks it started to subside and I started to feel just anxious or just nothing and my heart started to give me problems. After few days I'm done. Literally. I feel like my brain turned into some sticky stone along with my heart. I couldn't sleep all night, I can't think and I function. I destroyed myself for good now, after 4 years, 4 years of recovery.

 

I'm a total mess. I know that you think I'm stupid because I took some nootropic and again, I destroyed myself but this time it looks like it's permament and very, very cruel.

 

I'm thinking about the worst things, I'm thinking that I can't do this anymore. I would really appreciate some words of support.

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

Do you think it's kind of nervous system irritation by this substance? And since my brain is very fragile now it can take some long time until it subsides and goes to some norm?

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

After 4 years of recovery, I made terrible mistake and took peptide called P21. It was supposed to be mild nootropic taken by many people. I took lowest dose possible. 

 

I already managed to learn how to live with post-med damage, it was just a partial experience of life, very numbed and awry, but still I could just live this life and even earn money for my financial needs. I didn't have emotions, everything was flat and my cognition, memory and identity was limited. But it was ok, I accepted that.

 

Now I live in constant worry and in a state that I can't function with. My mental state changes every day, it's like I had been sped up to the most possible degree while my brain is not prepared for that, it's used to live in a slowed, numbed way, not like this. It seems like it will never end and it seems like I will worsen myself a lot and probably won't be able to live a life like before.

 

It's the biggest crash I experienced, crashes that I had before are nothing comparing to this one. It seems like my brain is totally rewiring all the time and who knows when it will subside and how bad I will be.

 

 

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

I'm trying to hold on.

 

Every day is a survival mode, I don't even think it was that bad at the beggining of my journey. Back then, I had many issues and my body and brain were in a destruction mode, but I had sense of identity and my thinking, totally destroyed, but still worked to some degree, at least to schedule some basic tasks like go to groceries or make a dinner.

 

Now it seems like my concious brain dissapeared, I just have no will or even no clue what to do. I wake up with blank mind, no will or clue what should I do, no focus, but my body is on full awareness. I feel like I my body has anxiety but my brain is till numb and unreactive like it was before. Just giving me random thoughts without any sense.

 

I'm trying to survive, going up from bed, wash myself, eat something and go for a walk, often waiting for a bus/tram to go in and just sit there and wait for time to pass, just not to be alone in my flat.

 

I hope my state will somehow improve. I really do.

[serotoninsyndromesufferer]

Last time was a time of total decline. I'm unable to walk, to think, my brain works on 2% energy, my body feels like trash. If I have some thoughts I don't really know if something is reality or a dream.

 

I survived 2 years of very acute state in which my brain and body was on total fire. Then 2 next years I started to be able to use my body and brain to some degree, managed to live like this and accepted that there is not a big chance I will be ever healed and stay more or less like this forever.

 

After over 4 years of struggling I made the worst decision I could and decided to try some "brain healing" peptide. And that's it. My journey ends here.

[KaiLee]

How sad.

I understand.

How are you now?

Just in case you get a notification.