Mewr: lots of questions, hopeful

[Mewr]

Thanks for this forum.  Lots read, first post.  In September 2017, the 20 mg of Prozac that I had been taking for the 25 years since my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis started to poop out.  In December 2017, my neurologist increase to 30 mg Prozac.  In January 2018, I stared seeing. Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner PNP.  She wanted me off the Prozac.  Tapered from 30 mg to 5 mg from January 2018 to March 31, 2018.  

Stayed on 5mg with rough, but bearable tapering side effects.  In September, 2018, life got more stressful, big move, new job, family illness.  On September, PNP  discontinued  last 5mg prozac and started 5mg lexapro.  Did ok, again, rough but bearable tapering side effects. In January, I had to switch to a new MS med and felt ok to do it.   In March, 2019 starting having unbearable discontinuation side effects.  

Anxiety, stomach issues, dizziness, insomnia, unable to sit still,  and so on.  I went to the ER April 8 for high blood pressure and rapid pulse. Nothing wrong with heart.  Told me to take gerd medication!  I had to stop my MS  med temporarily due to my condition.  Very scary and will have to resume next week.   My PNP increased the lexapro to 7.5 mg on April 16th.  Still having bad anxiety and took .25 Ativan twice this week.  My neurologist said that I should increase the lexapro and manage my anxiety symptoms more effectively, meaning take meds.  I don’t know what my next action should be and I am coming to the end of my ability to cope.  I would love any advice, feedback to get me through this.  Thanks

[Mewr]

Did I do this correctly?

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Mewr.

 

Why did your providers want you to change from Prozac to Lexapro?

 

What drugs are you taking now, at what times of day and dosages?

 

Please put ALL your drugs in the Drug Interactions Checker https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.php
and copy and paste the results or a link to them in this topic.

 

[Mewr]

My provider felt that the Prozac had pooped out.  I take 7.5 mg of lexapro at 6:00 pm.  I have been using, daily, magnesium dissolved in water,  .5 melatonin, and want to start Seriphos for morning cortisol surge.  Provider wants me to go to 10 mg lexapro this week to try to improve symptoms.  Thank you for your quick response and caring.  This forum has made me realize that I am not crazy.  Will check MS med with lexapro.  

[Mewr]

Just put lexapro and Aubagio MS med in interaction checker. Nothing for Aubagio-said that program is not updated for that med. Put into WebMd checker and said 0 iinteractions.

[Mewr]

Do you think I should go up to 10mg lexapro to try to stabilize?

[Mewr]

For the past few days, the skin on my head feels like it is tingling and being pulled up and I have brain fog that doesn’t go away. I am on 10 mg lexapro and 10 mg propranolol a day.  I was taking .125 Ativan to help sleep for the past 6 nights, but stopped it last night thinking it might be causing these symptoms.  Any comments, ideas, or help would be appreciated.  Thanks.

[Mewr]

Any one else have these weird head feelings?

[BreathofAir]

Hi Mewr, 

 

Just wanted to stop by and let you know you’re not alone.  I’m struggling myself waiting to stabilise, not eating, sleeping and having the dreadful cortisol mornings as well.  I didn’t want to take the Cortisol manager supplement because I thought I’m on enough at the moment, but I really struggle in the mornings. 

 

I get strange head sensations a lot, in fact strange sensations all over and I try to ignore them or distract myself if I can.  It’s hard to have a clue when we’re trying to stabilise.  I am sitting the next week out and seeing how I go before I think about any further changes. 

 

I’m always here, usually carrying on about something, so i will absolutely understand if you don’t want to correspond.  I am hoping to become more positive as time goes on! 

 

Just wanted to send you my best wishes. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Mewr]

Thank you so much for you caring message.  You made a really bad day so much better!  I have been following you and know how you are suffering.  I hope you get some relief soon.  

 

The cortisol mornings continue. I have been trying to do a morning meditation when I wake up. Some days good, some not.

 

 I took Seriphos one night.  I think the dosage was too high.  I would split it to only 100mg when I am brave enough try it again.  Now, too, I am just trying to settle.  I have a new IBS medication that is brutal.  I am on 10 Lexapro and back to my new Multiple Sclerosis med, which I may have to change soon due to side effects.  I need to update my drug signature.  My big issue is are symptoms MS flares? Are they side effects?  Or are they discontinuation symptoms? I  am so indecisive about what to do next, so just holding tight.

 

I stopped the Prozac 8 months ago today.  Can’t believe I still feel so bad.  25 years on Prozac without any issues.  Just stopped working.  My family, husband and mom, never leave me alone. My kids are grown and gone so that takes some pressure off me.  I am nervous to drive and gave up my job as a nanny,  which I loved!  Please keep in touch and know that I was touched by your message.  I am on here all the time!  My husband thinks it is unhealthy, but I feel better knowing that I am not alone.  You are not alone either.  Sending good vibes, Maria

 

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Mewr said:

I took Seriphos one night.

Hello, mewr,

 

I took a version of Seriphos, Enorphos, for a while.  It didn't really help with the cortisol surges.   Since you've just gone up to 10mg Lexapro, I'd suggest you minimize changes and not take any more Seriphos.  It's best to make only one change at a time, and if you're introducing Seriphos and the higher dose of Lexapro and have a problem, it will be difficult to ascertain the cause.  I know it's tempting to take a supplement to try to deal with symptoms like cortisol surges, but we're really sensitive to supplements in withdrawal, and I'd play it safe and do without.  

 

I tapered off the Enorphos (I'd been on it for a while) and a few months later the cortisol surges resolved on their own and haven't returned

[Mewr]

Thanks for the good info.  Trying not to change too much at one time.

[planifolia]

I think you can try to see if 10mg makes you feel better. It seems that the time when you changed to lexapro is when things started going downhill. Lexapro is much more powerful than prozac so changing to 5mg lexapro from prozac is not a good equivalent. 

 

Did you feel worse going up from 5mg to 7.5mg? If you start to feel even worse at 10mg, this can indicate the direction you need to go to stabalize. The inability to keep still  could be akathisia and it's an adverse effect to high dose but also a withdrawal symptom. I never had akathisia in my 10years on lexapro but when I was off completely and reinstated, i developed severe adverse effects with akathisia being one of them. 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

Thank you for your message.  I feel so ashamed some of the things I have written and thought, but I don’t have very good coping skills at all right now and it feels very scary and lonely.  My husband also thinks I should not be on here, but I find it hard watching him in his normal life (apart from what is going on with me).  He can still do all his usual activities and fun things with our daughter and I am struggling to get out of bed and leave the house.  We go to the things that comfort us and we look for hope and advice from the brave souls who have gone before us. I know that is hard for our families to understand.  They think we should be off just trying to live as normally as we can and distract ourselves, but it’s painful and triggering a lot of the time and it’s natural to want to back away.  

 

I also have longstanding IBS.  It has ruled my life pretty much from being a young child.  I know that and the anxiety and nervous system dysfunction are all nicely tied up.  What medication do you take? 

 

Even though I found Lexapro too strong, I managed to achieve quite good function, but psychologically I feel very weak and just propped up on pills.  I never stopped taking benzos whilst on Lexapro and I feel very much that I’ve got myself into quite a mess with a strong psychological dependence on the medication. 

 

I know all about bad days and you can write me anything you like.  I don’t think it’s possible to really tell what’s an MS flare and what’s the Lexapro whilst your body and brain is levelling out on it.  You might come to recognise certain signs and symptoms later, as you may have done on the Prozac.  

 

I was was terrified of the Lexapro at the start of taking it (hence the benzos), but it did bring my anxiety right down.  

 

Did you get Cortisol surges on the Prozac or are these new? 

 

I am not having such a great day today and have already cried three times before midday.  Somehow I felt and managed better yesterday.  The ups and downs are the cruelest thing.

 

I do hope you have a better day today. Will be thinking about you. Take care, bless you. 

 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxxc

[Mewr]

Hi, Rachel,

 So glad you messaged me again.  Thanks.  Sorry you day is not going well.  I am trying to stay busy today, but have super high anxiety since I woke up. In general, I feel so lazy and unproductive and hate being this way.  I never had morning anxiety on Prozac.  This all started when the Prozac stopped working and I started to discontinue.  Some days, the anxiety lessens in the late afternoon, and I can cook dinner and watch a bit of tv.  Other days, it just persists and I pace around my house.  Those days I find it difficult to do anything but obsess over the situation and feel bad.  

 

I started taking Hyoscyamine for the IBS On May 5th.  I only take one dose a day instead of two.  It is very drying and I think it is causes rapid heart beat and an increase in PVCs.  I read that the drug has been pulled off the market in the past and is not approved by the FDA in the US.   It only helps a tiny bit, if at all.  I also follow the FODMAP diet.  This whole digestive mess started at the end of February.  Almost every med I take has diarrhea as a side effect.  I know, too, that my chronic anxiety doesn’t help.

 

 This website has been a comfort and very scary, too!  I am so scared that I will never improve, especially on the really bad days.

Today, I am waiting for my neurologist to call so we can try to determine if this constant tingling in my arms, hands, legs, and feet is MS related.  

 

Hope better days days come soon for you.  Please message me whenever you are in the mood. 

 

Thinking of you, 

Maria 

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

We do have a lot of similarities. I relate to everything you say.  I can also feel better in the evening (a relief, but very frustrating) but absolutely terrible and non-functioning during the day.  I have lost so much weight again because my diet is so strict and the anxiety has killed my appetite. I take a change of clothes if I venture out of the house because of the dreaded big D, as I like to call it.  I greatly sympathise with you.  I was on proton pump inhibitors for a while and they created more havoc.  I then started with slow gastric motility and had to use Domperidone otherwise everything would go back up.  I developed such a severe food phobia and the Lexapro and Lorazepam were the only things that allowed me to start solid food again.  

 

I also relate to the pacing. I cannot watch TV at all and generally only read things related to how I’m feeling.  It’s obsessive and counterproductive I know, but it’s the only thing right now that can hold my attention.  

 

We all think we will never improve. I felt like that when I first started Lexapro, but I did. I just messed up my taper and wasn’t psychologically prepared enough to come off.  I am just praying reinstatement will help me because I feel much worse now than I did when my anxiety started.  I have so many traumatic memories and fears stored away; before I was anxious, but naive. 

 

My sister’s anxiety symptoms were different from mine and I remember she complained constantly of tingling. She saw several neurologists and after tests they all said anxiety.  She still gets it now.  I get agitated in my head and burning in my arms and hands.  The cortisol mornings include a terrible feeling of dread and here we go again and the burning in my arms, hands and stomach.  The first time I had this, when it eventually disappeared once the Lexapro kicked in, I was elated.  I am so sickened that it’s back again and I have to take a Lorazepam first thing otherwise I cannot get out of bed and have a meltdown. 

 

Please do not think you are lazy. You really do have to be kind and patient.  I have been reading a bit more about acceptance. It’s so difficult.  I just try to make the effort to do what I can when my brain gives me the impulse to do it.  Sometimes I just roll around crying pathetically, but it’s all I can do. 

 

Let me know how you got on today when you can.  I’m at my doctor’s tomorrow for my blood results, whatever use they will be! 

 

Hope you manage to get some sleep. Bless you. Sending calming and positive thought waves to you. 

Sleep tight. 

R xxxxxxxxxx

[Mewr]

Hello!

Saw your other post this  morning and was so happy that you were able to do some fun activities with your daughter.  I, too, get the feeling that I am sick of myself and this whole situation. My day wasn’t so bad yesterday, did some gardening, took a short walk, and was able to have my knitting circle over last night.  They know my situation and are very supportive. 

 

I have lost 25 lbs. since March and find it very difficult to eat, especially with the IBS.  All the food I used to love no longer has appeal.  I live with my widowed mother and my husband.  They force me to eat.  

 

High morning anxiety today.  I am trying to convince my mom to go do her volunteering and leave me home alone.  I don’t 

want to go with her  and she is reluctant to leave me by myself.  I want to try to be alone, starting with short periods of time.  It is unrealistic to always have someone with me.  I know I can manage and maybe it will boost my lost confidence.  Baby steps!

 

Congrats for sleeping without meds.  I was taking Ativan and melatonin for awhile, but stopped to see if I could do it on my own.  I have been sleeping better.  I darken the room, wear a sleep mask,  do a sleep meditation, and play soft music or ocean sounds all night.  I put my cat in the basement so he doesn’t bother me.  My husband gets up at 5:00 am for work, which is distracting.  Lately, I have been able to fall back asleep for a bit before the morning anxiety kicks in.

 

Hope all goes well for you at the doctor.  Talk to you soon.  Maria

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Maria

 

The morning cortisol spike is horrible. I even get it sometimes after a nap in the afternoon.

It does decrease with time and become less intense.

It is much less of an issue now.

I used to find that if I stayed in bed it did not get any better, but when I made myself get up it was surprising how it seemed to fade.

Hang in there it is all about time.

 

Sassenach

[Mewr]

Thanks for the info.  I will try to get up as soon as I wake up.  I do get the spike even if I nap for 5 minutes.  Very scary.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

How are you today? 

 

Are we talking about my favourite subject?  This morning my spike blasted me awake horribly.  I was so angry. Sometimes it’s gradual, but not this morning.  Again, I dived for the Lorazepam. It depends how early it wakes me. It does lessen slightly when I get up, but then it can get worse if I allow myself to panic and go into catastrophic thinking! Yuk yuk yuk. 

 

It is good that you want to try some time on your own.  I am having very brief periods and just getting used to it.  I have my widowed mother here too who also forces me to eat and drink. I feel so terribly guilty that at this time in her life she is having to virtually nurse me and shadow me and care for my child as well.  It’s so unfair on her. 

 

It must be annoying for you with the 5.00am wake up.  I just pop awake randomly.  I woke up about 2am this morning and felt terribly sick.  I was groggy and tried to sit up and get comfortable. It wasn’t pleasant, but I felt ok being by myself instead of screaming for my husband!  Self soothing is so valuable at times like these. 

 

My doctor didn’t say anything earth shattering today, just that I should continue as I am and top up on Vit D, as I’m below 40. 

How did you get along with your neurologist?  I’ve also lost a similar amount of weight in a short space of time, but one of the things with Lexapro is that it usually “improves” your appetite once you settle on it.  You can then get into a bit of trouble craving carbs and sugar, so you do have to watch it. It’s not an easy balancing act with the IBS, but I got used to it. 

 

There are tips here and there for the cortisol spikes, but I just try to keep my blood sugar level by regular snacking on nuts or oat crackers at night, for a long release carb and a slightly sweet drink nearby. I can’t nap at all during the day, so I just do breathing exercises and rest as best I can here and there. It’s a nuisance and feels so unnatural and I do hope it improves. 

 

Hope you can get a bit more settled yourself. Sending you blessings for peaceful, healing sleep. 

Night, 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxx

 

[Mewr]

Horrible day.  Haven’t even gotten out of bed.  Cried all morning and has to take .25 mg Ativan which isn’t even helping.  Oh, well.

Hope tomorrow is better.  

Hope you are feeling good today.

Maria

[Sassenach]

Hi Maria

 

Sorry you have had such a lousy day.

Tommorrow will be better .

I hope you sleep better.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

That was me the other day, but it was 1mg of Ativan.  

 

Really sorry about today. When you feel able please write back and let me know how you’re feeling and your symptoms.  The Lexapro is very activating for anxiety to start with. If you want to talk more about it, please let me know.  When I was titrating up to 20mg I was up at 2mg of Ativan, but I got it down again once the Lex kicked in. 

 

We are here with you. Sending you big hugs. No two days are the same. 

Hope you manage to sleep and the anxiety abates. Will be thinking about you. Sending some positive thought waves.  

 

Rachel xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

[Dejavu]

On 5/23/2019 at 1:09 PM, Sassenach said:

The morning cortisol spike is horrible. I even get it sometimes after a nap in the afternoon.

It does decrease with time and become less intense.

It is much less of an issue now.

I used to find that if I stayed in bed it did not get any better, but when I made myself get up it was surprising how it seemed to fade.

Hang in there it is all about time.

 

This was the case for me too. Fortunately, it was one of the first things that cleared up for me. The other was insomnia. I'm sleeping decently now. 

 

My biggest issues now are dizziness, visual disturbances and blurred vision. I have a handful of other, less debilitaring symptoms as well, but I am beginning to see signs of stabilization in the windows and waves pattern. But an overall trend of (glacially slow) improvement. 

 

Maria, hang in there. You have been through the pharmaceutical wringer. I'm sorry that MS complicates things for you, but trying to tease out which symptom is attributable to what disorder will just drive you crazy. It will all pass. Meanwhile, take it easy on yourself and your CNS. 

 

This forum is a great source of invaluable information as well as peer support. We are all here for you.

[Mewr]

Thanks for your supportive responses.  I am so grateful to have you all taking time to help and  comfort me.   Please know that I look forward to your messages and reread them over and over to instill some positivity, hope, and sense into this crazy situation.

 

i am much improved today after a .25 dose of Ativan recommended by my Psych. NP.  She understands my situation, my family dynamics and emails me back very quickly in a crisis.  She wants me to take the Ativan twice a day instead of “as needed”

until I see her next Friday, but I don’t think I need it at night. We shall see.  I feel like a failure when I have to increase or add a med to help my symptoms,  so I hope this phase is short lived.   Patience.... 

 

I am still learning to use this website efficiently, so please excuse me if I do not return messages immediately or in the right area.

i am not to tech savvy and I have to hide this website from my family because they think I spend too much time on here.  I find it invaluable.

 

Hope you are all having good days and sleeping with sweet dreams, Maria

 

 

[Gridley]

1 minute ago, Mewr said:

 She wants me to take the Ativan twice a day instead of “as needed”until I see her next Friday

 

 

Please be very careful with the Ativan.  You can become physically dependent on benzos within 2 weeks of regular use.

[Mewr]

That scares me a lot.  Hopefully, just a few days.  Yesterday,  my husband was ready to call the ambulance.  

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

I am glad to hear you’ve had a better day today. Was the anxiety really bad yesterday?  

 

I know we are strongly warned against benzos, and for good reason, but unfortunately the Ativan was the only thing able to have some effect on my extreme physical and mental agitation.  I am just trying to get by at the moment and see how I do on the Escitalopram.  I will lower the Ativan when I feel I can.  I know and understand the risks, but versus how severe I became and with no effect from non-drug coping techniques, I felt I had to make a difficult choice.  

 

I remember talking to a psychiatrist about dosages and there was discussion around getting all of the side effects, but none of or little of the therapeutic benefit, if the dose was either two low or two high.  It’s such a difficult issue.  My first psychiatrist in Canada ramped me up to 20mg in three days and it was utterly horrendous.  I would not have stayed on without Ativan.  She just wanted to treat me as fast as she could because I was trying to get back home to the UK.  My start up symptoms were both mental and physical and I was taking 2/3mg a day of Ativan.  

 

Does your psychiatrist think that Lexapro is agreeing with you? I know it’s a much purer drug than Prozac.  Has there been any discussion on other ADs?  

 

All I have done today is cry really. I can’t seem to turn the taps off at the moment.  I have been out, but I find it painful seeing “normal” life going on around me.  I have to learn to cope with that. 

 

Am sending you more hugs. I understand your fears. Every day seems like a day of starting again, but we are still moving. Bless you and keep you safe. 

 

R xxxxxxxx

[Mewr]

Hi, Rachel,  

I am not thrilled with the Ativan, but it works really well on my anxiety. I am terrified of what the taper is going to be like with such small doses at the end. I just bought digital scale to help with tapering.

 

My psych np wants me to taper off Lexapro and start  Trintellix. I had a consult with another psychiatrist who said not to switch, but to micro updose the Lexapro.  I have done some research online about Trintellix and not too many favorable reviews. Also, I don’t want to start antidepressant roulette.  I fear discontinuation symptoms and start up side effects at the same time.  I think I am just going to sit tight for awhile.

 

I am sorry that you cried all day. I was like that yesterday. Never got out of bed.  Never got dressed.  Terrified my family!    They need to learn that some days will be that way.   Sometimes I  find a good cry is cathartic and clears my head.  A chuckle is that I can no longer cry like a normal person.  Just weird whining, face twisting, and hand wringing.  I think 25 years on Prozac dried up my tear ducts. 

 

Hope you are dreaming and deep sleep will bring a better day tomorrow.  I appreciate all you support exponentially.

❤️Maria

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

Me neither, but I felt I had no choice.  There are scary warnings and stories a lot on this site and when we read reviews of all the drugs, It’s hard not to get frightened by it all, but we have to think a day at a time and weigh up what evidence we have regarding our symptoms and our instincts.  Only we really know how good or bad we feel and whether we can cope. 

 

It’s typical that you have been given two different opinions on future possible treatment options.  You will have been so used to Prozac and the status quo for so long that of course Lexapro is frightening and foreign, especially when it’s often quoted as a potent drug.  There’s so much scary, dramatic language around and we just don’t need it when we’re in a vulnerable state.  We have to have consent of course, but from my experience of forums I see so much dramatic language and I’ve used it myself of course.  We have to try and find context and perspective.  

 

Trintellix is not not licensed for use in the UK, as far as know.  I was aware of it in Canada. I’m surprised no one has suggested Amitrityline to you.  I know you’ve been on the Lexapro some months now and only recently gone up to 10mg.  I felt 20mg was too much for me when first started and did feel better nearer to 10mg.  Maybe give it another four weeks, I don’t know what timeframe you’ve discussed with your doctor.  I agree that drug roulette is not ideal at all.  Do you feel any slight difference yet on the 10mg?  

 

Am sending you more hugs and blessings that things become clearer and settle down. I’m waiting right there with you. 

Hope you sleep well tonight. My sleep is terrible and my morning was dreadful with horrible burning and a feeling of complete dread.  Wish it would just go away. Also, my husband sorted my tablets for the last few days and put 10mg ones instead of 5mg.  Neither of us noticed. So I had the nasty surprise this morning of realising for the past five days I’ve been up at 10mg, not 5mg. I wonder if that’s why I have been crying so much!  I will have to stick here for now and see how it goes. 

 

Bless you and and keep you safe and calm and healing every minute. 

R xxxxxxxx

[Mewr]

Hi Rachel, 

 

Hope your feeling better.  The updose of Escitalopram must be scary.   Are you within the time frame to lower the dose?  My husband doesn’t even know what I take.  He is running out of patience and just thinks if I take more meds this will all disappear.  

 

The .25 mg Ativan did not help as much today.  I took it at 7:15 am.  Do you find that some days it is more effective than others?  Also, do you ever feel weird brain sensations when you take it?  How long does it take to kick in for you?  I am still new to this drug.  I don’t know if the 10 mg Lexapro is making me feel any better.  I have done a bunch of medication adding and switching for my other medical issues in the past few week.  I don’t know what is what.

 

We have our our first really summer-like day on Long Island.  I can see that heat is going to be an issue this summer.  Never bothered my MS, but I seem sensitive to the over 80 degree F temp today.  I live less than five minutes from the beach and love it.  I hope to be able to spend time under an umbrella there this summer.

 

Please know that I think about you all the time and consider you a new-found close friend.  Thanks you for all you encouragement and information.  Sleep peacefully and I wish you a better morning.

.  XxxxxMaria

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

Good to hear from you. I take my Ativan at around 7:00am too.  I seem to be able to cope with the 4am cortisol hit, but the wide awake one I can’t.  It burns so badly like wildfire and my anxiety and dread is still up through the roof every morning.  The way the Ativan works now is different from when I first took it in Canada two years ago. It would work within the hour and I would feel a noticeable lift in mood and release from the agitation.  Now it seems it is taking longer to work and i can’t really tell because my mood is so low.  I feel a bit better after breakfast at 9am, but I’ve noticed in the last few days my anxiety and irritability is increasing (as well as the tears!) and I am now starting to worry that the 1mg is not enough. It is so hard to know what is going on, I agree.  Is my insomnia making me more depressed, is it the benzos, is it withdrawal, is it the situation and frustration?  I guess it’s likely all of the above.  I wish it wasn’t all so frightening and unknown. 

 

I do think what you eat, how much activity you are doing and what your general mood is like all will impact on how effective you feel the Ativan is being.  Not to mention the interaction with your new meds.  I am hyper-focused on it all day and I must admit if I get a breakthrough blast of really severe anxiety, I say to myself oh no it’s not working anymore or I need more!  It’s a never-ending cycle or vigilance and panic. 

 

If you’ve changed your meds recently then it will take time for them to settle alongside the Lexapro.  I found this with the PPIs.  I did not keep a detailed journal on my first voyage, but I know I was spaced out for a long time once the therapeutic effects really started coming through.  I had side effects for a long time though and my head did feel weird, almost like my brain felt squashed or just not right. I don’t get a weird sensation when I take the Ativan. I do on an equivalent dose of Diazepam. 

 

I am sorry your husband is getting impatient.  It is hard for anyone else to understand and live with.  My husband and mother keep saying, you’ll be a lot better in a few days and I want to yell at them HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT!   I think they say it more to comfort themselves having to live with me and more as a reflex when I get distressed.  I think your husband will probably be scared and upset that things are the way they are right now after a long period on the Prozac.  I want my safe home environment, but then I struggle with it because I feel on the outside.  It is testing on so many levels. 

 

It’s lovely that you live near the beach.  We are in a small village in an old farmhouse. It’s quiet and we have lovely neighbours. Everyone is helping with my daughter and I’m so very grateful, although I cry when she disappears off with someone.  I feel so useless and envious!  I love the sea, but found it too much when my husband took me there last week.  I just cry for all the lovely times we’ve had there.  I know I must not avoid everything I love, but it feels wrong and uncomfortable and a reminder of where I am and that I feel so far from normal and safe. 

 

I am trying not to fret over the accidental updose.  I will just have to see how I go.  I just found the reply from Brass very frightening and not very encouraging.  In as much as I want to remain on the lowest therapeutic dose, I don’t know that 7.5mg will be enough to not only deal with the anxiety, but help do something with my horrible low mood. Only time will tell I know. 

 

I hope you sleep well too and have a fan at the ready for cool nights. I have one in my room all the time for white noise.  My husband has hot feet and thrashes all the covers off.  

 

Your friendship and understanding means very much to me. Hopefully we can spin a strong yarn of courage between us. I think of you often too and just want the Lexapro to get going for you.  I will do some reading on Trintellix.  I was cross-tapered from Mirtazapine on to the Lexapro.  My sister did so well on Mirtazapine, but it made me very ill.  You may need to try going higher, but of course that will be your decision.  

 

Sleep well and heal well Maria and bless you and keep you safe and calm. 

 

Sleep tight, 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

[Mewr]

Hi, Rachel,

 

How are you today?  I hope you are feeling better.  I had a better day yesterday, but this morning brought the usual horrible anxiety, two hours ruminating in bed.  Now that I am out of bed, I feel shaky and spaced out.  So weird that one day can be ok, I begin to feel optimistic, then crash again.  

 

I only took .125 mg Ativan this am. I don’t think that dosage helps enough.  I am so terrified of becoming addicted and having to deal with more discontinuation symptoms eventually.   I felt  better taking the .25 mg dosage.  I am concerned about the moderators comments about Benzos.  I was hoping to take fewer drugs, not more.  When you tapered the Ativan in the past did you have many discontinuation symptoms?  Did you suffer?  I wonder if I can adjust doses on an as needed basis or if that would be to activating? 

 

Your village must be lovely.  Beautiful gardens?  I have never been to the UK,  but I am a huge fan of British movies and series.  “Call The Midwife” is my current favorite. Your entertainment is so far superior to our American drivel.  

 

Mirtazapine was mentioned to me.  I don’t know too much about it. Will read about it today.  I had the Gene Sight test done in January 2017.  Ironically, Prozac was one of the worst drugs for me according to the study.  The only drug that can up “use as directed” was Pristiq.  

 

My husband  is always hot and kicks off the covers and has restless legs.  Very annoying.  I do a guided sleep meditation in bed before lights out, then listen to very soft meditation music.  We use a fan, too.  Sometimes I wish I had my own bedroom.   We just downsized in November from a seven bedroom house to a three bedroom house and my mom has two of them.  No place to escape. 

 

Can I ask why you want to go off antidepressants?  I did because I had been on Prozac a long time, was feeling pretty good, and  it wasn’t working for me anymore. I I felt I could do it, not having know about protracted withdrawal. I have lost all confidence.  Now I am beginning to believe I may just be a person who has to be on an antidepressant forever.  This whole situation is so upsetting. 

 

As always, hope you are doing better and sleep well.  Xxxxx Maria

[BreathofAir]

Hi Maria, 

 

I am glad you had a better day yesterday.  This morning was not good for me either, in fact it was awful.  I managed to fall asleep, but then was awake for most of the night with the horrible burning anxiety and loneliness.  I was in so much pain at 7am this morning I thought I would be sick.  The anxiety and fear were terrible.  You are doing well not to take the Ativan - so much better than me.  I crossed over from Ativan to Diazepam last year and did what I thought was a slow taper, but I was stupidly doing it at the same time as the Lexapro.  I’d got down to 1mg of Diazepam and thought I would make a start on the Lexapro.  I just wanted to be off everything and had never felt right on the Lexapro, despite being able to function mostly very well.  I would notice when I made a cut, my mood would drop or I’d feel a bit off, but then I would pick back up again.  Five weeks ago I thought I was doing so well, but no, it had been waiting for me all along hadn’t it?!  I wasn’t afraid to taper at all, but now I see how fast I went and didn’t take notice of the warning signs each time I dropped.  

 

I was extremely shocked when I read on here that they recommended 10% tapers. I had mostly followed the Ashton Method and I thought that because I’d got down to such a low dose of Diazepam I would be ok.  My sister had tapered an eighteen-month use of Mirtazapine in a matter of weeks and done alternate days and she had no problems whatsoever. 

 

I now do not know what the future holds for me at all. I’m back up to the equivalent of 12mg of Diazepam and I have no idea if 7.5mg Escitalopram will be the right medication or enough to help me.  I feel far far worse than I ever did when started the Lexapro.  I’d had a handful of panic attacks and had developed anorexia from a food phobia, but I was not depressed to the extent I am now.  I now feel like I have severe anxiety, post traumatic stress and associated depression, which I wouldn’t know how to grade. 

 

Even now, I am still being told I have untreated anxiety, and to a certain extent I know there is a large psychological component along with poor coping skills.  But I just feel the bottom has suddenly dropped out of my brain and it terrifies me how much worse I am now.  

 

Like you, I am wondering if I will need something long-term too.  It doesn’t help that I’m not a positive person and I’ve always expected the worst.  I am starting CBT soon and I see a counsellor on Fridays, so I am hoping to try and think a bit differently.  It’s hard when I don’t feel rational at the moment.  I understand you have lost your confidence - me too. 

 

I know there is this whole debate raging about antidepressants, but they do work for some people and I know that my anxiety was beyond what therapy could have done then. I needed urgent help to eat and had to have my stomach calmed right down.  I think it’s hard when you’ve been on them long term, but some people do do it.  My friend who is 71 stopped his Venlafaxine after twenty or so years.  He does still take a small dose sleeping pills, but he just knew nothing and thought nothing about going off.  Knowledge might be power, but it’s also suggestion and I know I read too much. I just need reassurance or answers otherwise my imagination fills in the blanks - and not in a good way! 

 

I cant imagine what it has been like for you all these years. I just hope the Lexapro works for you, or very quickly something else, and I would just live day to day and see how you go.  I know people who have been on for years and years and I just think, if it has to be, so be it.  This crash is teaching me a huge lesson about life and what quality of life means to me. 

 

My husband has gone to his yoga class tonight.  I tried to meet two friends earlier in the afternoon, but I felt horrible and flat and disconnected, and just wanted to cry.  I can write to you fairly fluently, but I could not look at them or really talk to them.  I feel too raw and terrified and just want things to be back to how they were.  I know I sound like a cry-baby.  It’s mostly for my daughter and family. It’s her birthday next week and it’s so painful for me. I love making a fuss normally.  When I hold her in bed at night and her little hand is on my face, I just scream inside. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. She is my whole world and it’s breaking me being around her in this state. 

 

It did make me chuckle when you said about your own bedroom.  It’s a shame your mother can’t hand one over for the time being. My husband keeps me awake, but then I feel lonely and frightened when he’s not there. I just wish I was sleeping better. Like you, I was hoping to keep the pills low.

 

Yes, we have beautiful green gardens, meadows and crop fields and large old trees. We have an ancient church and a river with woodland all around.  There are several stately homes where “the other half” live, but everyone is very friendly. It’s wonderful for our daughter.  I feel lucky that I have this environment to recover in. 

 

Mirtazapine was good for me at the lower doses because it helped sleep, but once I got up to 15mg I found it too activating and I stopped sleeping.  I haven’t done a gene test because I thought it might just be a gimmick.  An Australian psychiatrist here was trying to tell me that it worked. I just know I’m sensitive!!! 

 

If you feel so bad at 7am try to get up.  Are you like me and thinking I want to hide away in here and not face the day or hope it will pass quicker?!  I am just going to get up tomorrow. It’s annoying that I wait until 10pm to try and fall asleep, but I know I have to change something because I can’t carry on like this. 

 

I really hope we can both turn a corner. I know there are people on here who’ve gone on a long time, and it’s not like I expect to jump the queue. I hope and pray for everyone.  

 

I hope you sleep too. Maybe try separate covers with your husband or twin beds!!! 

Sending my hugs and positive thought waves to you Maria. Bless you and keep healing. 

 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Mewr]

Hi Rachel,

 

Hope you had a better day. I got up earlier this morning to get to a new Gastro doc. Maybe an iota less anxiety and ruminating.  Only took .125 Ativan again.  Doc gave me Lomotil for one month.  I think it is very similar to the last ibs med I was taking -scary, activating and not much help.  We shall see.  He was much nicer and very thorough. Monday I have my 6 month check up at my GP.  Will ask him for a third opinion.  

 

You sound like me,.  Every night I say I am going to get out of bed as soon as I wake, eat early, and start doing little chores. I vow to do something that I enjoy.  No reading on the Internet.  I say I will spend time outdoors and remember that many are way worse than me.  Then....bad morning starts.  I need to break this cycle.  I see my psych nurse practitioner on Friday.  I know that she will want to change meds, but  I am still leaning to giving the 10 mg of Lexapro more time.  I don’t know about the Ativan.  Although it is a small dose, I cannot live through more of these nagging symptoms. My pattern seem to be one better day, then one really bad day.  I also think that bad weather has an effect on my body.  Do you find that to be true?

 

I find it hard to do any socializing.  My best friend is angry because we used to go to the city once a week and now I am afraid to have a meltdown.  Too crowded, too noisy, too far from home.  I have canceled a bunch of activities in the past few months.  I get panicked in the grocery store now.  I think my anxiety is worse than my depression.  Do you get the waves of anxiety for no reason that pass over you whole body?  Those are the worst.  I get waves of sadness when I think of all the time wasted on this.   

 

I wanted to tell you that I was diagnosed with MS when my kids were one and three years old.  They grew up with me being sick, both emotionally and physically very often.  I felt guilty all the time.  They adapted to every situation with ease and were incredibly resilient.  We learned together how to cope and forge on.  You daughter will be fine.  My sons are kind, sensitive adults who have learned that life can be difficult, but you can persevere.  Mom mom says that guilt is a wasted emotion.

 

Hope you sleep.  xxxMaria

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Maria, 

 

Your message made me cry. What you have been through - and now this.  It’s so hatefully cruel.  I feel the same emotions as you. There were a lot of family difficulties growing up and they’ve shaped me profoundly.  It is something very wonderful that you have your two lovely sons, and you had nothing to feel guilty about - you survived and raised two strong, sensitive boys through tremendous adversity.  None of it was of your asking or doing.  

 

Do you feel like you are understood at home? Are your mother and husband emotionally in touch with you? I see the strain, tiredness and frustration on my mother and husband’s faces and their pity, which frightens me more.  

 

I laid awake this morning, burning away, feeling beyond miserable, but thought to myself that I’m going to try not to worry too much about the tablets.  I can only put the work in and my brain will do what it will do.  I know this forum is all about minimising medication, but it’s not always possible to ‘ride it out’ or ‘hold on’.  My goal is to be as free from anxiety and depression as I can be and I will use a holistic approach to the best of my ability.  Some days we have little strength and therefore low hope, but then other days surprise us.  

 

I would never encourage you down the Ativan route, but nor would I judge you because some times are just intolerable. That is all I can say really. 

 

I think if your friend is angry, then that’s very sad. You need compassion, support and patience.  If she cannot offer this to you, she certainly shouldn’t make her anger known.  I would not dwell on it.  Right now you need to be where kindness and understanding are. 

 

I think because you have changed your other meds, you can’t make an objective decision on the Lexapro right now.  The dose change needs time to make itself apparent and also your new meds to settle in. It needs several more weeks really.  Don’t be pushed into something you’re not happy about. I know the benzo issue will arise, but everything does need to settle.  You change the AD and it all starts again doesn’t it? Would you feel better with a fixed plan with some kind of cut-off date in place or would that be too pressured? 

 

Yes, I get waves of anxiety that flood through me and plenty of sadness. The highs and the lows of hope and despair are hard to adjust to. Like you, I am full of promises to myself every night and then I too have the terrible start to the day and I have to fight my crumbling resolve and tears.  My purpose is my daughter, but I am still struggling in the morning to be with her. I have to hide and stuff my face in a towel crying because the burning is so bad whilst I wait for the Ativan to take the edge off.  The charades we go through are very cruel. 

 

Yes, I also have the alternate day pattern too. I am trying to work on this and not make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I just generally force myself to do something and be out of the house every day no matter the weather. It has been very changeable here and rather cool and grey.  My mother is very good at distracting me and we have grown much closer and more expressive with each other.  My husband is very good, but is distracted a lot and gives me a lot of medical spiel and mechanical pep talks, which I can’t always take in.  I’m not comfortable in either stores, but I am trying not to avoid places and let it become a habit. It’s not easy.  Just little and often. Don’t hibernate, it will not help you conquer the anxiety. 

 

Did you say you have a sewing circle? Are there people whom you trust and like who could visit for short periods? Could you manage a drive out in the car?  I really understand how you feel.  It’s like being on shifting sand, we just have to do it, even when our brains and bodies say no.  It’s the only way neuroplasticity works to banish the bad old habits and ways of thinking. 

 

Once again, I’ve babbled your head off. I think you know what you need to do, so follow that course. Just try your best to overcome what the horrible starts try to take away. They won’t be there forever. 

 

Sending you my hugs and blessings. I will think of you in your morning period and will you to fight through it. Sleep well Maria. Your mind and body will settle. You’re strong and they will find a way. 

 

Night, R

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