BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[BreathofAir]

Hi everyone, I am new here, but have been reading many posts and would like to wish everybody well. 

 

I started to experience panic attacks in October 2017 following emigration to another country.  We had been in this country a year and I had been finding it difficult with a very young child. At the time I started with panic attacks I had been having anxiety and acid reflux following two bouts of gastroenteritis earlier the previous year.  My partner is a physician and by May 2017 was very worried about my state of mind and dwindling appetite.  I therefore saw a colleague of his and agreed to start Mirtazapine.  I titrated up very slowly over two months and found it helped with sleep. But on reaching 15mg severe akathisia set in.  This was then augmented first by Abilify (which caused me skin burning) and then Seroquel, which coincided with the onset of SI.  By August of 2017 I had deteriorated in my state of mind and was anorexic through severe anxiety and nausea.  I had become non-functioning and agoraphobic. 

 

I was admitted to a psych unit and referred to a psychiatrist.  This was truly frightening to me.  I was then cross-tapered to 20mg of Lexapro (Escitalopram) and augmented with Ativan for start up. I avoided being tube fed by agreeing to protein shakes.  We left this country in September 2017 as an emergency to be home with family.  

 

As many will know, the start up of Lexapro was terrible (even with benzo cover) and although the panic attacks stopped I felt very unwell throughout the course.  I had lost over 28lbs in weight and this did not start to go back on until well into 2018. I managed to start tapering the Ativan and by February 2018 crossed over to Diazepam. From there, frightened by how long I had needed the benzo, I tapered fairly quickly down to 2mg by June.  Each month I felt I crashed around the same time and was never sure if my hormones were involved in this as well. In hindsight I should have slowed down, I know. 

I then started to taper the Lexapro by approx 2mg a month.  During both tapers (which I know now I should not have contemplated), I have frequently crashed, then picked up again and been somewhat functional, although not working, whilst my child started school. 

 

At at present I have stopped the Escitalopram, but have a micro amount of Diazepam, which I am holding.  I had planned to jump off at the end of the month.  I apologise sincerely for the rambling story.  I do not want to go into too much detail concerning how I feel I have suffered, albeit in a relatively short space of time compared to others. Suffice to say, I feel that I was hit with a sledge hammer by the medication and am only alive because of my child.  The medication (being on it and tapering off it) has left me with extremely strong and persistent SI through out the last two years, and this influenced my very stupid dual taper. 

 

At at this moment I have crashed badly, cannot eat, have lost significant weight, am very low functioning and have strong SI.   Through my partner being a physician I should have used my knowledge better, and like others, I feel betrayed by an apparently well-meaning medical profession.  In moments of clarity I see now the different course I could have taken, if, at the time, I had been a stronger advocate for myself.  I have continued to feel vulnerable throughout the entire process. My partner has been through a vertical learning curve and now no longer prescribes in the same way as before. That is something at least. 

 

I guess i am I am looking for guidance as to whether I should wait out this crash.  The symptoms mirror those on start up for severity.  I am so frightened that I have done so wrong by dual tapering at the pace I did.  I would have liked more input from my partner, but he was and is doing the best he can with work and our child. I have a widowed mother, who believes you should cope with anything and does not understand  SI. 

 

My my plan is not to jump of the Diazepam, but I was not sure whether to reinstate the Escitalopram at a very low dose to try to stabilise the SI feelings and severe anxiety/loss of appetite. 

 

Thank you for any help at all. Best wishes to everyone. 

[BreathofAir]

Update: updosed Diazepam to .25mg last night due to severe SI and insomnia.  Feel terrible. Forcing food down, pacing, crying, severe stomach spasms due to uncontrolled anxiety. Very very frightened with dark thoughts at present. 

[Songbird]

Hello BreathofAir, welcome to SA!  I'm glad you found us.  Thanks for creating a signature.  Are you able to add some more detail about your escitalopram and diazepam tapers?  In particular, what was your last dose of escitalopram and when did you stop?  Did you stabilise on the escitalopram once you got through the startup period?

 

I think you're being very sensible to hold on the diazepam taper for now, as any further changes could add to the instability you're experiencing.  I think it's certainly worth considering a reinstatement of the escitalopram to potentially avoid a severe and protracted withdrawal from it.  In general, reinstatements tend to work better when done sooner rather than later.  Please read this topic thoroughly, especially the first post: About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms.

 

You might also like to read our topics about non-drug techniques that can be helpful for dealing with withdrawal symptoms - see Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

 

Please post all your updates and questions about your situation here in your introduction topic, and we will try to help you as best we can.

 

Edited April 27, 2019 by Songbird

[BreathofAir]

Hi Songbird, 

 

Thank you so much for your reply.  I am currently bedbound and in a very anxious, dark state, so I will try to make sense. 

 

I never felt that I “stabilised” on the Escitalopram.  The start-up consisted of akathisia, nausea, night terrors, agoraphobia, loss of appetite and extreme, agitated anxiety - far worse than my original anxiety.  

 

I think the fact I used the benzo throughout and started to taper that from month four onwards obviously had an impact. Also my hormones I think have played a big factor, given I’m 47 years old.  I recognised patterns each month that I would crash literally into quite marked depression with SI, but this also coincided with effects of the cuts as well.   I essentially tried to follow the Ashton protocol to reduce the benzo but I admit I was so panicky about getting off everything that I was not systematic and controlled in my approach and went too fast with 1mg benzo drops each time. 

 

I forgot to mention I briefly tried Oestrogen patches last March, but these activated me horribly so I discontinued them after two months.  I now understand it’s most likely progesterone that causes the issue at the moment.  I take no other supplements.

 

My last dose of Escitalopram was less that 0.25mg.  The taper pattern was 20mg , 17.5mg, 15mg, 12.5mg, 10mg, 7.5mg, 5mg, 2.5mg, 1mg, then microcuts as best I could over the past four weeks or so. 

 

My partner is against me reinstating the Escitalopram, as he feels psychologically I am better off it.  At the time I was placed on the 20mg I weighed 7.5st.  I am 5ft 6 and usually fairly well-built and two stones heavier.   My partner in hindsight feels that was far too powerful a dose for me and too activating.  He feels I am not a person who does well on this type of medication and agrees I have spent the last two years highly unstable with periods of high function (but never my “normal” self) and then extreme crashes. 

 

I now see I should have read these warning signs as a too-fast taper with both drugs.  I wanted to blame my hormones and believe I could cope with tapering, but I know this was foolish.   I apologise for rambling.  I am very analytical and negative naturally and am struggling with my coping skills.  I am terrified of insomnia and the SI.  My older sister unfortunately committed suicide in 2013 due to alcoholism and Codeine addiction and this is always in my mind.  I am teetotal myself with no caffeine. 

 

My GP has essentially let me get on with tapering both drugs and not called me in for any follow up, just had me on repeat prescription.  My partner and GP know each other professionally and I was so ashamed of being in a suicidal mess that I have not been back to see him since last summer.  I have tried not to bother my partner with helping with measuring my reductions and planning them because he has been very stressed and tired with work.  I realise now it has ALL caught up with me and I am terrified that I have made a huge, irreversible mistake. I know I am not rational right now because of my high anxiety.  I am just frightened that I will snap with the SI being so severe at the moment.  

 

Thank you so very much for any help and support you can offer. 

 

 

 

 

[Songbird]

So you tapered escitalopram over the past eight months?  Did your symptoms get worse over the taper period?  Do you feel worse now than when you were on a full dose?  I'm just wondering whether it might be worth reinstating a small amount, say 1mg, to try to alleviate the worst of the withdrawal symptoms.  If you found escitalopram too stimulating, another option might be citalopram, which is very similar, but can be a little less activating.

 

If you are experiencing anxiety attacks, you might find books by Dr. Claire Weekes helpful: The Dr. Claire Weekes method of recovering from a sensitized nervous system.  Also relaxation exercises can be very helpful for calming the nervous system: Relaxation exercises, guided meditations, calming videos, sleep hypnosis

[BreathofAir]

Hi Songbird, 

 

Yes i tapered the Escitalopram from June 2018 to now.  So I was at 20mg for about 8 months.  My side effects throughout were ongoing anxiety and the introduction of depression, which I never had.  I put this down to the ongoing benzo and anxiety. 

 

I have very little function right now with extreme anxiety, nausea and SI due to being so agitated. 

 

My husband does not want me in hospital because he knows they will polydrug me or give me a high dose of either Diazepam or a mood stabiliser.  He is very very concerned with the SI and is doing what he can to be with me, feed me and help calm me.  On Monday this week I was fully functional, had energy, was laughing and planning a holiday.  This crash has filled me with terror because the akathisia and SI I feared so much has come back.  Those are the two effects that I fear most.  

 

When I was put on Seroquel after the Mirtazapine activated me so badly at 15mg, it turned me into a suicidal zombie who could barely speak or walk.  My anxiety has never left me, despite hypnotherapy and CBT, because I have never accepted being on medication. It has always terrified me.  I think the akathisia I experienced has left me with post-traumatic stress and is now filling me with huge fear.  

 

I dont want to make a panic decision, but I am frightened for my safety if this carries on. I am going around and around in an agitated cycle between my bed, outside for some fresh air and the bathroom. I can only be with my husband, not my daughter or anyone, because it is too much.  

 

I know my nervous system has gone completely haywire, I am just shocked at my very rapid deterioration from very good function to this.  

 

I am sorry to ramble on.  I am listening to Claire Weeks and I have her book.  I am trying to do yoga, breathing, mova and some mindfulness techniques as best I can. 

 

Thank you very much for your help.  

[BreathofAir]

Anyone please, 

 

I am in a very bad way very severe akathisia constant pacing and full body pain.  Constant nausea not holding food. Had a brief window in the evening when akathisia almost went, but now back worse than ever.  Cannot tolerate the violent shaking, thrashing and tardive dyskenisia.  Very very distressed. Have been up all night in severe uncontrolled pain with above symptoms.  I have told my husband I cannot go on.  I do not know which way to turn. 

I am so sorry to be so distressing. 

[Songbird]

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad way.  I've been there myself and understand what you're going through.  What helped me the most was doing relaxation exercises multiple times per day.  The one I found most effective was David Swenson's "Just Relax" video.  There's a link to it on page 2 of this topic: Relaxation exercises, guided meditations, calming videos, sleep hypnosis.  I was doing this about three times a day at first and it helped to calm my system down from very severe akathisia.  I think it was more effective than other relaxation exercises because it begins with gentle movement, calming things down very gradually.

 

Can you tell me where you're at with the valium, as I'm a little confused about your taper.  Have you found the valium to help at all with withdrawal symptoms?   I've asked the other mods about your situation and their thoughts on possible reinstatement of an SSRI and/or updose of benzo.  I'm not very knowledgeable about benzos but we have other mods here who are.  Since your situation is severe, it may be that you need to updose one or both drugs to get some stability back.

 

In the meantime I recommend trying the "Just Relax" routine.  If it doesn't seem to help at first, keep trying, as the effect of relaxation exercises can build up over time.

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Songbird, 

 

I am currently taking 0.25mg Diazepam twice a day morning and before bed. This will be my fourth day at the updose from a tiny amount of tablet that I could not really measure, around the size of a flea.  Sorry for the bad description. 

 

I don’t really know how long to wait out the Diazepam updose.  I know this is impossible to answer. Am just living minute by minute this morning, crawled into the shower and trying to eat.  My husband and mother are exhausted.  I know I am lucky to be with family, but seeing their suffering and fear is causing me so much distress.  I am doing my best, but when I start wailing from the akathisia and S thoughts it is hard for them not to see it or hear it.  

 

I don’t know where you found your strength to overcome this torture.  I see others have gone on months and longer, but I feel finished already, so depressed, but extremely agitated with horrible body pain and thoughts I will be forever in this whirlpool. 

 

Do you know if anyone ever had any success with Beta blockers for the TD and akathisia? I am trying to research as best I can in between pacing and trying relaxation techniques. 

 

Thank you for your care and support. 

Xxx

 

 

 

[Shep]

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

I am currently taking 0.25mg Diazepam twice a day morning and before bed. This will be my fourth day at the updose from a tiny amount of tablet that I could not really measure, around the size of a flea.  Sorry for the bad description. 

 

Please give us more information about your diazepam use.

 

How long were you on the initial 20 mg dose that you started on in February 2018? What rate did you taper down to the .5 mg (two .25 mg doses) that you currently take? 

 

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

Do you know if anyone ever had any success with Beta blockers for the TD and akathisia?

 

We don't recommend adding in other drugs. Let's first see if there's something that can be done with the diazepam and / or escitalopram before adding in anything new. 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Shep, 

 

Thank you for your input.  I was first given Lorazepam I think around June/July 2017 after being place on Mirtazapine.  I only used it sporadically until I had reached 15mg Mirt.  This induced almost immediate severe akathisia and insomnia out of nowhere.   I was advised by my primary care physician to persevere, but still after four weeks I felt no better. The physician then tried adding Seroquel and Abilify to help with sleep, but neither agreed with me, even at minimal dose.  The Seroquel brought on suicidal thoughts almost immediately and hallucinations.  I stopped this after two days.  

 

By August I was taking Lorazepam regularly around three or four times a day.  After a psych review I was crosstapered rapidly to 20mg Lexapro.  The akathisia continued and severe agoraphobia, which had started around July.  I was also anorexic and down in weight by 28lbs over a 5 month period.  

 

I got up to 3mg of Lorazepam by December 2017.  I had managed to fly home to the UK at the end of September under the Lorazepam.  I think I started to taper down the Lorazepam just after Christmas, but looking back through my notes, I had become confused and had been doubling my dose of Lexapro to 40mg in January.  I see I was extremely unwell during that time and in hindsight exhibiting signs of serotonin syndrome. 

 

My GP in England agreed to cross me over to Diazepam 20mg in mid February.  I tapered this to 1mg by June 2018, but suffered a severe crash with akathisia and SI so I updosed to 2mg and stabilised around a week later.  I think I held for a month and then started to taper the Escitalopram.  I restarted my Diazepam taper around December 2018.  

 

Every month without exception I have experienced crashes with depression and some SI.  I stupidly took these for hormone drops.  The SI seemed to ease off around five months ago, but started creeping in these last two months again.  

 

I have never felt comfortable in the entire time I started, but it has allowed me to function for the most part, with drop outs here and there.  This is the worst I have felt since start up. 

 

I apologise for the longwinded narrative.  Thank you for any help you can offer.  I am very grateful. 

[Shep]

8 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

My GP in England agreed to cross me over to Diazepam 20mg in mid February.  I tapered this to 1mg by June 2018, but suffered a severe crash with akathisia and SI so I updosed to 2mg and stabilised around a week later.  I think I held for a month and then started to taper the Escitalopram.  I restarted my Diazepam taper around December 2018.  

 

Thanks for the additional information. Please do not continue to taper the diazepam. 

 

Since it's been more than a month since you were on a higher dose of diazepam, you may not be able to get any relief from updosing again. 

 

But you might benefit from reinstating a small amount of the antidepressant. Please see:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms 

 

This thread will help you get to the small amount needed for a reinstatement. 

 

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

 

After you have a chance to read these links, please post your thoughts. 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Breath.

 

Is this correct: You initially had a severe adverse reaction to mirtazapine, have always found escilatopram excessively activating, and have been taking a benzo to counteract the effects of escilatopram?

 

I would not reinstate escilatopram, it's a very strong SSRI, several times stronger than its sibling citalopram.

 

When did the suicidal ideation start? Is it better or worse at any particular time of day? What is your drug schedule?

 

How long have you been in this "crash" state? What are its most prominent symptoms? Is this related to your menstrual cycle? Please do not make any drug changes right now.

 

On 4/27/2019 at 3:32 AM, BreathofAir said:

My GP has essentially let me get on with tapering both drugs and not called me in for any follow up, just had me on repeat prescription.  My partner and GP know each other professionally and I was so ashamed of being in a suicidal mess that I have not been back to see him since last summer.

 

It is your GP who should be ashamed of your condition, he has overlooked all your adverse reactions.

 

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Shep and Alto, 

 

Alto, you are correct.  

 

Psychologically taking the Escitalopram worked up my anxiety because I knew I was on such a powerful drug, especially given my low weight and food intake over the first few months of administration.  I never felt comfortable on it, but achieved fairly good function and could look after my daughter.  My appetite improved and I regained a healthy weight. 

 

I have always taken the Diazepam first thing in the morning after food and last thing at night before bed.  I have never changed this schedule since February 2018 when I started to taper the 20mg.  I crossed from Ativan to Diazepam with no worsening of symptoms. 

 

I have had SI on and off throughout the treatment.  I noticed this was occurring straight after my period had finished and during any stressful times.  My daughter and I have had constant viruses since last October, for me mostly colds and stomach bugs. 

 

The recent SI and akathisia started Wednesday last week, but I felt the crash coming on a week before that, feeling myself slide, the nausea and anxiety creeping up. I could function and was looking after my daughter full time, as she has been on holiday from school. 

 

I finished my period around 4 days ago, so I am in a normal drop/crash period, however these current symptoms are severe and resemble what I felt on Mirtazapine.  Normally I would have depression and hopelessness, but not extreme anxiety, TD, or akathisia at anywhere near this level.  

 

My current symptom pattern on a daily basis from last Wednesday has been:

 

Bed at 9.30 pm                     Restless night with waking feeling high anxiety and burning in stomach and arms (usually around 1-      2am) pacing with akathisia, some TD might cause thrashing.

Awake at 4am, then 6am    No immediate burning, but feeling of unease, try to resume sleep

Get up 7.30am                      High anxiety, burning feeling in stomach and arms, severe nausea, stomach spasms.

                                                Eat breakfast, shower, take Diazepam 

throughout day                     Walk dog (struggling with this as so shaky), cannot leave immediate neighbourhood, so stay local. Return home, go to bedroom, as feel the rest of the house too overwhelming. Cannot talk for very long to anyone due to severe anxiety, cannot eat or sit with anyone. Sit in bedroom, practise breathing and relaxation techniques.  Walk dog again later, return to room.  Might sit outdoors for several minutes, but always back to room.  Can read a little, no TV or music.  Eating nuts throughout day to maintain blood sugar, eating small amount of fish and vegetables. Exercise exacerbates anxiety, so walking very slowly. 

 

6pm                                         Evening meal (surge of anxiety several minutes after eating).  Pace around or return to room to calm. 

 

 

Noticed changes  -  Saturday 4pm until bedtime. Anxiety abated and felt much better, but almost hyper.  Was able to stay in lounge for an hour before bedtime.  Then awoke at 1pm with severe burning, anxiety, akathisia, TD.  Husband calmed me, managed to return to sleep after an hour, but awoke early again.  

 

This morning, awoke at 4am.  No anxiety or burning, felt positive, but slightly hyper.  Returned to fitful sleep. Awoke 6am, but dozed off. Got up 7.30am.  Anxiety and burning, nausea and shaking back to normal.  Have eaten breakfast, waiting to leave room when able. 

 

Alto, I agree I do not wish to reinstate the Escitalopram.  I am very concerned though about my ability to cope with the level of anxiety, TD, akathisia and SI.  I do not feel the Diazepam updose has given any improvement, but I realise the updose was only on Thursday. 

 

My anxiety and burning is definitely more severe on waking. The burning goes away towards the evening. I take a long time to fall asleep, but use breathing techniques and heat.  

 

Thank you mods for your continued help and support.  I hugely appreciate it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[planifolia]

Hello BoA, i'm so glad you felt a bit positive today! 😊 I hope you get more of these good moments

 

I just wanted to pop-by and ask if you have any interest in seeking a withdrawal expert? You might feel more secure knowing that someone who understands can guide and support you through this awful journey. It seems your husband's collegue is a bit clueless. But as you are living in the UK, it is a previliged place of having many of the experts on psychotropic harm.

 

I have always wished I could fly to the UK or US to seek those experts but there's no way I'll survive a plane flight there from Hong Kong (10+ hours!!).

 

You can check the link here for recommended doctors 

 

David Healy is very knowledgeble on akathisia. Some doctors not listed that may also be helpful includes Joanna Moncrieff and Ben Goldacre. 

 

[Shep]

4 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I have had SI on and off throughout the treatment.  I noticed this was occurring straight after my period had finished and during any stressful times.  My daughter and I have had constant viruses since last October, for me mostly colds and stomach bugs. 

 

Have you used any medications and / or supplements to treat these viruses? If so, please list them. 

 

4 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

My anxiety and burning is definitely more severe on waking. The burning goes away towards the evening.

 

Does the nighttime diazepam dose help with the burning or does the burning fade off on its own toward evening before you take the nighttime dose? 

 

4 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Alto, I agree I do not wish to reinstate the Escitalopram.  I am very concerned though about my ability to cope with the level of anxiety, TD, akathisia and SI.  I do not feel the Diazepam updose has given any improvement, but I realise the updose was only on Thursday. 

 

Please let us know if you feel the updose was helpful. Since diazepam has such a long half-life (up to 200 hours), some people don't feel changes in increases or decreases for a week, so it may take a bit more time. 

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Shep, 

 

I have taken no medication for the viruses except Paracetamol for headaches and cramps, but not regularly.  

 

The burning seems to fade on its own throughout the day, but appears again once my nervous system starts activating during the night.  I am eating no sugar, or gluten and very basic, plain food at set times with nuts in between to maintain sugar levels. 

 

Today I have been able to go on a longer walk and talk with a neighbour outside for some time. Now I am back in my room to rest.  The anxiety and shaking is still present. 

 

Thank you Shep

xxx

[BreathofAir]

Hi Planifolia, 

 

Thank you for your message. 

 

Is it just about bedtime for you? I am not sure if you will be getting ready for bed and what your nighttime routine is. 

 

You might chuckle at this - I just burnt my carpet with a moxa stick that fell off my hand.  My husband will not be happy.  I will try to scrub my carpet. Horrible smell invading my nostrils. 

 

Yes, the UK does have a lot of resources to help, but the national health service is far behind in services and the brutal psych facilities still very much exist.  Private is expensive, but I am seeing my hypnotherapist this Friday. 

 

How has your day been today? Have you made any additions to your routine? 

 

Rxxx

[BreathofAir]

Also, Planifolia, 

 

Do not underestimate your ability to fly and manage a long haul flight.  I flew an 11 hour flight from Canada to U.K. whilst in Escitalopram start up in a highly agitated, distressed state.  How they let me on the plane I do not know. 

 

However, we must not rock our nervous systems so I think home is safest for you.  

 

Sending you blessings for a restful and healing sleep. Each day is recovery. 

 

R xxx

[Altostrata]

When did you updose the diazepam? Please put that date in your signature.

 

When you went off escilatopram completely, were you already "crashing" or did the crash occur sometime after that? How long?

 

Please track your symptom pattern daily on a monthly calendar. Many women see an increase in withdrawal-type symptoms at specific times in their cycle.

 

We need to see how you do with this diazepam updose before suggesting anything else.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Alto, 

 

Thank you so much for your time.  I have updated my signature.  I started to crash very soon after stopping the Escitalopram, but the akathisia and SI started several days later, just after my period ended, as far as I can recall.  I apologise if I contradict myself, although I can write, the days have been chaotic.  

 

I have not had the extreme burning anxiety and agitation since anti-depressant start up. How I feel now is how I felt on start up for level of distress and function, apart from I am now depressed up and down like a yo-yo during the day.  I was just anxious at start up with agitated SI.  

 

Thank you so much, again. Xx

[BreathofAir]

Anyone, 

 

Terrible night

vomiting food going through me

extreme anxiety burning all night

violent TD no sleep pacing rocking thrashing

sweating hot and cold

extreme noise sensitivity 

body on fire

 

feels like shutting down cannot speak crawled to bathroom very shaky

very very frightened that things so bad chaos and food not staying in

 

help xxx

 

 

 

[Songbird]

I'm sorry you're suffering so badly.  I've been through similar experiences, I understand how frightening it is.  Did you try the "Just Relax" video?  I was doing it three times a day and found it helped me a lot.

[MikeysMum]

Hi BreathofAir. I just wanted to pop by and say hang in there. Far from easy I know. Some days it's all I can do to say to myself 'okay, just breathe. Okay, breathe again' I tell myself that the fact that my body knows how to breathe, remembers this aspect of 'wellness' means that it can heal. Another trick I have learnt (started some somatic experiencing last year before WD hell started) is to find just one part of my body that feels okay. Sometimes it's just my hand or big toe. I keep moving this part of my body and saying to myself 'my body knows how to heal. My hand/big toe is well and can work. My nervous system is working to heal and it will heal'. In your current state this prob sounds crazy and when I'm at my worst I struggle with motivation to even try. But I get great comfort from the stories here. People have been to hell and back and still get well. I came off an SSRI way too fast after 25 years. The nausea, diarrhea and fear/anxiety especially have bought me to my knees. I feel for you so much. Please go gently xxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Songbird, MikeysMum, 

 

thank you both so much.  The akathisia and burning is beyond terrible. I cannot get relief just pacing and tapping getting up sitting down.  

 

Today is horrendous. I am exhausted and in constant panic attack and thrashing, moaning twitching. Dragged around my garden but my legs do not work very well feet sideways very distressing

 

is this the lack of Dopamine?  The only function I can do bathroom but I need help with that even as I cannot hold things very well

 

my rapid descent has terrified me am gripping on then free falling the SI is overwhelming 

 

sorry to be so bad I have lost my mind and control don’t care who sees me half dressed screaming and yelling or crawling around my garden 

 

pacing stumbling is the only thing I can do to stop myself harming. 

 

MikeysMum and Songbird you must both be very strong I am fighting to hold on to any shread of strength 

 

i send end my best wishes to both of you bless you so much 

xxxxxxxx

 

 

[MikeysMum]

BreathofAir there is no need to apologize. This is in no way your fault. I don't consider myself self strong as horrendous as my symptoms have been I think I've got off fairly lucky. ( Geez I hope I don't regret saying this !)Please just try and see and acknowledge this as WD. Breathe. I have nothing to offer re tapering or medical advice but please know that others have been through this and you can and will heal. Big hugs. It's 10.19 here in Australia. I am going to listen to Tara Brach online ( 'Dance with Pain' just saw it recommended by someone somewhere on this site). I will check in tomorrow xxxx P.S. I listen to Tara Brach quite a bit and find it calming. Also other youtube meditation /talk stuff. But I know it's incredibly difficult to attend to stuff when in so much emotional/physical pain.

[BreathofAir]

Thank you MikeysMum 

 

You wonderful kind lady to reach out to me.  I have just read Rosetta and it has terrified me.  I have a five year old daughter too and I have given care of her over to my mother and husband.  I do not let her see me for long.  They are feeding me right now and trying to keep me alive because the SI is overpowering. 

 

I am hoping to be able to send you more positivity because you have been so kind to me at this time of need. 

 

Sleep well with healing. I am getting up to pace my garden again. I know my neighbours can see me but I am just doing it. 

 

Goodnight to you. Thank you with all my heart. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Altostrata]

Breath, what is your drug schedule? When did this nighttime symptom pattern start? Is this what you call your start-up symptoms?

[BreathofAir]

Hi Altostrata, 

 

I am taking 0.25mg Diazepam at 9am and 0.25mg Diazepam at 9pm

 

My severe nighttime symptoms started last Thursday night, so that would be five days ago.  

 

I cannot fall asleep easily and awake with a jolt every time I drop off. 

 

I am now in a constant extremely agitated state with no let up. My body will not stop violently shaking, shivering, burning and spasming.

 

Today has been the worst. 

 

Thank you so very much for your help.  

 

Xxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Sorry Altostrata, 

 

These physical symptoms are now worse than start up. Ativan gave some relief then.  I have extreme SI and am under constant watch at home.  This is terrifying beyond measure.  Am so sorry thank you so much. 

 

Xxxxx

[MikeysMum]

Hi BreathofAir how are things going? I've been thinking about you and hoping you get some tiny window of relief. Xxx

[Shep]

17 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I am taking 0.25mg Diazepam at 9am and 0.25mg Diazepam at 9pm

 

My severe nighttime symptoms started last Thursday night, so that would be five days ago.  

 

Please clarify in your signature when you updosed the diazepam. 

 

Quote

Diazepam 20mg February 2018 to present. Tapered 20mg to 1mg between Feb - June 2018. Updosed to 2mg due to severe crash. Recommenced taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg. Crash started around 15 April 2019 with tiredness, mood swings, feeling of doom.  Severe symptoms kicked in 24 April 2019

 

This is what's in your signature, but what date was your updose to 2 mg? 

 

A direct link to your signature is here:

 

Create or Edit Your Signature

Edited May 1, 2019 by Shep
added link to signature

[BreathofAir]

Hi Shep, 

 

I have updated by signature to show my previous updose of Diazepam from 1-2mg was mid June 2018. 

 

Thank you

xxxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Crawling through the desert

 

Withdrawal - despite all you are trying to do to me today I have: 

 

Got up and showered

Helped my daughter get ready for school

Made myself a boiled egg 

Got myself to an acupuncture appointment and back again

Gone around the supermarket and managed to get myself some anti-anxiety foods

Eaten in a cafe 

Put some washing in the machine

 

Later I will walk my dog and wait for my child to come home. 

 

I am on my knees, but I can crawl, however slowly, and I will. 

 

Onwards and upwards out of the swamp. **** you Withdrawal. 

 

Sending support, hugs, positive thoughtwaves, courage to everyone. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Kostas]

28 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Crawling through the desert

 

Withdrawal - despite all you are trying to do to me today I have: 

 

Got up and showered

Helped my daughter get ready for school

Made myself a boiled egg 

Got myself to an acupuncture appointment and back again

Gone around the supermarket and managed to get myself some anti-anxiety foods

Eaten in a cafe 

Put some washing in the machine

 

Later I will walk my dog and wait for my child to come home. 

 

I am on my knees, but I can crawl, however slowly, and I will. 

 

Onwards and upwards out of the swamp. **** you Withdrawal. 

 

Sending support, hugs, positive thoughtwaves, courage to everyone. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Excellent, well done and keep going!! 

[BreathofAir]

Thank you so much Kostas, 

 

You are very kind.  

 

I feel like I tried so hard today.  Forcing myself just to move, to eat, to survive and not harm.

 

The anxiety, akathisia, nausea and SI are all slamming me so hard.  The SI is in my head and never leaves. Looking at my husband and daughter is sheer agony. I just weep and beg myself.

 

Just get me through this PLEASE body and brain. Keep going. Don’t fail me. For the sake of everyone I love and who loves me. Keep me ALIVE please. 

 

Please everyone, I am so sorry.  The SI is very very strong and I am in terror again tonight. 

 

I am not a coward, I went through traumatic childbirth, I nursed and watched my father die of cancer, I found my older sister dead.  I stood up to my bullying, sexually harassing boss.  I fought for rights at work.  I am under watch for possible lung cancer and was in and out of hospital last year like a yo-yo, stuffed up on benzos that I could not stop because of the horrendous Escitalopram. 

 

I AM NOT A COWARD.  

 

I am just so exhausted and low on reserve.  I will keep moving. I have to. 

 

Xxxxxx