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BreathofAir

BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

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Songbird

You did great!  The daily notes look good - let's get several days of these and then we'll assess.

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BreathofAir

Monday 10th June    Daily diary and drug doses

 

9pm            1mg Diazepam taken.  Bed night before. Got off to sleep ok. 

 

4am            Fidgety in and out of sleep

7am            Cortisol awakening.  1mg Lorazepam taken

7.30am      Breakfast.  Horrible nausea and anxiety

8.00am      Got daughter ready for school.  Bad nausea. Anxiety uncomfortable

9.00am      Long walk with dog.  Household chores.  1mg Diazepam taken.

                    Friend visited. Low anxiety. 

10.30am    7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  Feeling less anxious. Out shopping.  Coped ok. 

12.00pm    Back home. Lunch. Feeling better. 

1.00pm      Out with friend. Relaxed, laughing, sharing worries. Low anxiety. 

3.15pm      Collected daughter from school. 

                    Played with daughter

4.30pm      Slight anxiety spike. Rest upstairs. Feeling tired. Headache.  500mg Paracetamol taken. Breathing exercises. 

5.30pm      Eat dinner with family. Feeling ok. 

6.00pm      Long walk with dog. Feeling ok. 

7.00pm      Get daughter ready for bed. Reading and cuddling.  Happy and relaxed. 

8.00pm      Reading.  Calm

9.00pm      1mg Diazepam taken. Bed

 

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Altostrata

Do you get nauseous before or after you take lorazepam? You're taking lorazepam "as needed"?

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BreathofAir

Hi @Altostrata

 

I hope you are well. Thank you for your time. 

 

I have been taking 1mg Lorazepam at 7am daily since 7th May.  

 

I do not know whether I should be staying on this for stability or to start to try and reduce?  Would this give me a better idea how the Escitalopram is doing along with my other non-drug measures?  

 

I still take 1mg Diazepam twice a day at 9am and 9pm.  

 

I used the Lorazepam because it controlled the severe agitation I experienced on crashing much better than the Diazepam, but I had not finished the Diazepam taper at the time of crashing and I Updosed this first.  It did not help enough and after two weeks I added the Lorazepam. 

 

I feel nauseous before the Lorazepam, usually with a mixture of low blood sugar and morning anxiety. 

 

Thank you for your help. Bless you and take care. 

 

R xxx

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BreathofAir

Tuesday 11th June   Daily diary and drug doses

 

Bed 9pm night before 1mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok.  Awake several times. Very restless all night. 

 

6am.       Cortisol awakening. Severe burning and anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken. 

7.15am   Got up. Felt very sick and anxious. Crying. Could not eat.  Low mood. 

8.00am   Breakfast. Got ready (highly anxious)

9.00am   1mg Diazepam taken.  Household chores. 

10.00am Out shopping with mother. (feeling ill, very uncomfortable and anxious, low mood)

12.00       Lunch. Did not eat much. Very anxious. No appetite. 

2.00pm   Back home. Very anxious. Crying and agitated. Low mood. 

2.30pm   Out to gym. Still anxious. Low mood. 

4.30pm   Back home. Very anxious. Crying. Low mood. Played with daughter. Very difficult and upsetting. 

5.30pm   Dinner.  Played with daughter. 

7.00pm   Getting ready for bed. Feeling awful. Anxiety very high

 

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BreathofAir

Well, I guess after a few good days, the pendulum had to swing back the other way.  Have really struggled today with low mood, crying and nonstop anxiety, which I have had to fight hard to control and not be irritable with everyone.  

 

I really have no clue what the drugs are doing, if anything. I must be so down-regulated.  I am very thankful for the recent good days, but have now become scared again that it’s all a cruel joke.  Need some courage for my supper. 

 

I hope everyone else is ok and had a better day. I would love some sun.  Hopefully it will make an appearance soon and the temperatures start to rise. 

 

Bless everyone and keep healing. Sending hugs. 

 

xxxxxxxx

🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

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Altostrata

It can take a while for your nervous system to settle down, with many swings of the pendulum, as you've observed.

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BreathofAir

Wednesday 12th June   Daily diary and drug doses

 

Bed 9pm night before. 1mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok. 

Awoke a couple of times, but back to sleep. Fidgety.

 

6.00am     Awake for bathroom. Back to sleep

7.30am     Light cortisol and anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken

8.00am     Got daughter ready for school

8.30am     Breakfast 

9.00am     1mg Diazepam taken. Long walk with dog

10.00am   Household jobs

10.30am   7.5mg Escitalopram taken

11.00am   Headache and feeling thick-headed

12noon     Lunch. Stomach ache and acid reflux afterwards

12.30am   Out into town with mother. Low anxiety and general discomfort in stomach

  3.30pm   Collected daughter from school.  Played with daughter 

5.00pm     Prepared dinner

5.30pm     Ate dinner (calm)

6.00pm     Visited neighbour. Managed to laugh (calm)

7.00pm     Got daughter ready for bath and bed. Stories and cuddles (calm)

8.00pm     Reading (calm)

9.00pm     Bed 1mg of Diazepam taken

 

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

I understand you are concerned about caring for your daughter while your mum is away.

Is it not possible to hire a private nurse or care assistant to come for a couple of hours on a morning in case you have a bad cortisol morning?

You are coping incredibly well but stress or pressure are the last things you need right now.

You would obviously need to be sure your daughter is happy with the person.

Hopefully it would be a total waste of money but like insurance,we all have it but hope we never need it.😅

You asked me if there was anything you could do for me, bet you wish you hadn't asked now.

I would like you read your thread from the weekend to forget to the present.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? I want you to read it as someone else following your progress, so read every word and digest ie not what you think you said but what you actually commented.

It's a test and I know you are a good student, so tell me what you see.

I hope you are having a good day.

WE may be tortoises in this race but we will finish.

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

 Thursday 13th June   Daily diary and drug doses

 

Bed 9pm night before. 1mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok. Awoke several times, but back to sleep.

 

7.00am     Moderate cortisol and anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken

8.00am     Got daughter ready for school

8.30am     Breakfast 

9.00am     1mg Diazepam taken. Stomach ache and flat mood.

10.00am   Household jobs

10.30am   7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  To the gym. Moderate anxiety. Felt flat. 

1.00pm     Lunch. Stomach ache. Little appetite.

1.30pm     Friend visited. Moderate anxiety. Cried. 

3.30pm     Collected daughter from school.  Played together. 

5.00pm     Prepared dinner.  Headache 

5.30pm     Ate dinner

6.00pm     Walked dog (low anxiety)

7.00pm     Bell ringing at church (calm)

9.00pm     1 mg Diazepam taken

10.00pm   Bed

 

 

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

you did did bell ringing! That’s great, I hope it went well.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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BreathofAir

I have had a terrible day.  

My anxiety and depression have been severe and my body has burnt all day.  All I have done is cry in fear. 

I am so scared. The Anhedonia and SI is dreadful and it is sending my anxiety soaring.  I function externally but inside I am like a frightened rabbit.  

 

I cannot go on like this and don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. 

 

I do not know if an updose will work because I have no clue that the Escitalopram is doing anything right now other than giving me headaches.

 

On the surface people think I am doing better, but they can’t see inside and what I go through to get through the day and how I feel.  I am terrified to be left alone. When I go out and do things with people it just reinforces how awful I feel.  It doesn’t seem to build up and give me any confidence.  

 

I need to find my courage and belief again.  

Xxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

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RichT

I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad day Rachel. 

 

But you really are doing better generally - just look back at your daily symptoms from earlier days!

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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BreathofAir

Thank you @RichT

 

You always have a kind word.  My husband and mother are at it again. They keep letting me down with regards to arrangements and expecting me to cope at the last minute. They are making me so mad and stressed again!  Am glad it’s bedtime. 

 

Hope you are ok and glad you’re making progress with your composing. 

Sleep well and heal well. Bless you. 

Night, 

R xxxxxxxxx

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BreathofAir

Dear anybody, 

 

I am just hoping for a few kind words to help my courage. 

 

I thought I was improving little by little, albeit with up and down support from my husband and mother.  But they both keep letting me down and not understanding that I need to be able to trust them, just until I get a bit steadier and can be left by myself for longer periods and be able to look after my daughter.  My husband is doing his best with work and the situation at home, but my mother keeps changing arrangements and has arranged to be away for three weeks very soon.  She also decides at short notice that she has to do other things.  

 

I realise I sound very selfish and possessive of her, but I have never asked much from her in the past. She has always given with tight conditions and is very black and white about what she will and won’t do.  It is hopeless really trying to get her to see.  I can’t force her to help us, I know.  

 

I feel this is a critical situation for my family.  I was there every step of the way when both my parents got cancer. I dropped everything. I cared for my father and was there for my mother until he died and afterwards, although she shut everyone out. 

 

I am scared for myself and my daughter because all this destabilisation is having a huge impact on my anxiety and depression levels.  I am at the point where I now feel I need to updose both the Escitalopram and the Lorazepam.  I feel hopeless and very distressed. 

 

I know this is not a social forum and I appreciate so many people go through withdrawal alone.  The distress is for my daughter because I feel at risk and on the edge and constantly provoked into huge flares of anxiety.  I just want to improve and I hate the fact that I feel I need my mother so much. 

 

Does anyone have any tips how they cope alone? 

I just need my courage and strength to build up. 

Thank you.  Bless you all. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

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Sassenach

Hi  Rachel

 

Slow down, calm down all of the relaxation techniques you were telling me about.

The meds are working and you are getting better.

Take control of your day and we will chat later.

I have something I promised to do which will take a couple of hours, but I will be around after that and we try and assess what is going on.

Will also be asking about counsellor yesterday.

Remember you are getting better but you cannot control the pace so the circumstances need to change.

Chin up.

 

Chat later

Hugs

 

Sassenach

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Tom37

It sounds like your afraid that you can’t cope with your symptoms, wd and being a parent. One thing you need to focus on is that we are all more capable than we think we are despite the intense suffering we all go through. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I thought I wasn’t going to be able to carry on but I did and it got slot better. Try to focus on this only being temporary as it’s definitely not permanent even though we think that it is.

 

I’m sure a moderator will provide some advice soon on your dosing so sit tight until they do. Until then just remember you have got through worse than this you will get through this period too. 

 

Remember it’s only temporary and I bet your far more resilient than you give yourself credit for. 

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Sassenach

She definitely is Tom

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Sassenach

Whatever you do rachel. Plwase do not even consider changing doses today.

When you are feeling down and vulnerable it seems like a quick fix, as though you are doing something but is the worst possible time.

You will wake up tomorrrow feeling better and realise it was a mistake.

Sorry this is haphazard but I a m doing a repair for  aneighbour and dictating on my phone which I am crap at.

It only just registered that you had mentioned the updose.

Hang in there

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BreathofAir

@Sassenach and @Tom37

 

Thank you for your kind messages. I really appreciate them. 

 

I am being bombarded with physical and mental symptoms and the burning anxiety is breaking through all day.  My function has gone right down.  The agitation is back.  My weight is dropping off to a not very good point because I can’t eat again.  I just don’t know how to hold it all together. 

 

I hope you are both feeling better. 

Bless you. 

R xxxxxxx

 

 

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BreathofAir

Thank you @MikeysMum

 

It is good to hear from you and I am so pleased you are doing well. 

 

I am struggling still with family support and my anxiety is severe at the moment with a lot of physical symptoms coming in as well.  I have made a decision to updose because I don’t feel safe enough.  I am so glad your symptoms disappeared. I was worried about you and kept you in my prayers.  Hope all is well with your family. 

 

Thank you for getting back in touch. Take care. Bless you. 

R xxxxxxxx

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BreathofAir

I have tried so hard this week to do all the right things.  These last two days and some during the week have been dreadful. 

My body has burned and spasmed with anxiety the whole day, I’ve really struggled to breathe.  I’ve cried so much through fear and the pain in my body.    I don’t know if the benzos are working against me.  I don’t know if my Escitalopram dose is enough. They can make the most ingenious machines, but the brain is still a huge mystery. 

 

We are all fighting and I just wanted to send out hugs and blessings for healing. I don’t have much to give right now, but I can make a wish for us all that things get better.  

 

Hope everyone sleeps well and keeps healing. 

R

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

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Mewr

Hi Rachel,

Please know that I am thinking of you.  So sorry that you are not feeling well.  I am dealing with all sorts of tingling, burning, and numbness in my face, arms, and legs.  All new.   Don’t know if it is MS or WD.  So tired of this. Makes it so hard to do anything but be upset and sad and wonder if this will ever end.   My blood pressure has not stabilized and my meds are being changed every day.   Still holding fast on 10 mg lexapro, but I don’t know if it is any help at all.  

 

Sending you you some good thoughts.  Stay strong and know you are not alone in this nightmare. Xxx Maria

 

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BreathofAir

Hi Maria, 

 

So glad to hear from you, but am so sorry you too are going through this.  What you are feeling is probably a bit of both and your blood pressure too.  The burning is so dreadful. I wish we could sit in a comfortable room together and sew calmly and all of it would just disappear.  

 

I have dragged myself around today, burning all day, just tired of it all too. I am thinking of updosing the Lexapro very soon.  I also think the Ativan is no longer effective for me.  It is scary.  My anxiety has been out of control recently.  

 

I feel for you very much having your meds constantly changed. Keep telling your blood pressure to settle down and imagine a calmly-flowing river whilst you are waiting to fall asleep. 

 

I can’t get comfortable in bed at night because my hands claw and I have to try and squash them down. All I do is fidget and toss and turn.  Oh for a bit of relief! 

 

I will pray for all of us and sending you healing positive thoughts too. We will get through this. We will!

Bless you and hope you sleep well. 

Night, 

Rachel 

xxxxxx

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

 

 

 

 

 

 

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RichT
8 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Thank you @MikeysMum

 

It is good to hear from you and I am so pleased you are doing well. 

 

I am struggling still with family support and my anxiety is severe at the moment with a lot of physical symptoms coming in as well.  I have made a decision to updose because I don’t feel safe enough.  I am so glad your symptoms disappeared. I was worried about you and kept you in my prayers.  Hope all is well with your family. 

 

Thank you for getting back in touch. Take care. Bless you. 

R xxxxxxxx

 

’Hi Rachel,

 

sorry to hear youre having a tough time at the moment.

 

Updosing is a risky proposition, from what I can see from other people’s stories. See if you can have a discussion with mods first before you go ahead.

 

sending you warmest wishes 

 

R

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MikeysMum

Rachel I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling greatly again. You had made such progress and you will again. I have a friend who talks about how even the slightest blimp in navigation equipment can make a boat go way off course. But the opposite is true too. One slight teeny change can alter the course of our day, minute by minute. When I was reading back I noticed how you'd been doing some relaxation exercises, going to your neighbours etc. I know that will be the farthest thing from your mind at the moment but you've done it! Also, I understand the fear of being alone (if/when your Mother goes away). I felt terrified of being alone with my daughter at one point. Sometimes we can only deal with things hour by hour or minute by minute. Take care. Listen to the mods re drug dosage. Thinking of you from across the sea xxxxxxx

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Dejavu

Rachel, please try an epsom salts bath for the burning skin. It really helps! I get crazy itchy skin, but only late at night. How weird is that?

 

Keep breathing through this wave. That's all it is. Please don't updose, sweetie. You've already had slight improvements. I know you don't think so, but you truly have! Updosing will reset the stabilization clock, trust me. Don't make the same mistake I did. I couldn't leave my dose alone and the price I paid for my impatience was almost constant suffering for a full 6 months before seeing any real improvement. 

 

This too shall pass.

 

 

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BreathofAir

I hope everyone is doing ok.

 

I walked my dog along the beach today whilst the sun was out. It was nice to feel the heat of the sun and the sea breeze.  Then a downpour started suddenly and I had to laugh.  Windows and waves 🐳 everywhere you go. 

 

I had an awful night last night having worked myself up into a frenzy over the usual things.  I seemed to be burning in my veins all night. I assume this is cortisol or adrenaline. How am I even producing THIS much??   There is nothing left of me.  I felt so dreadful this morning it took me an hour to force down some porridge. I wish my appetite would improve. I was hoping the Escitalopram would help with this, but I guess I need to try harder to lower my anxiety naturally. 

 

But I am glad I got out and put the fear of the night behind me.  I hate the cortisol blasts so much, I just want my nervous system to stop behaving like a volcano.  I tried to talk to it today. I have no idea if it was listening. I hope so. 

 

I have taken on board the comments about updosing.  Thank you for your concerns.  I will try and give it more time and work extra hard on non-drug coping techniques and upregulating activities. 

 

Sending out my good wishes to everyone for calm, positivity and healing. 

Bless you. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

What you wrote about putting the fear of the night behind you reminded me of the Steely Dan song 'Any Major Dude'. I don't know if you know it.

 

Warmest wishes

 

Rich

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BreathofAir

Hi Rich, 

 

I love Steely Dan! I had forgotten that song. 🙂. How has your weekend been? Is your balance any better?  I hope so. The beach was full of crazy dogs all charging around in and out of the sea.  It’s heartwarming to watch.  If every lovely thing we saw could be a piece of the healing puzzle for us that would be wonderful.  I would watch silly dogs all day. 

 

Hope you sleep well tonight. I’m beginning to think my username should have been Mount Etna !!

 

Sending you hugs and blessings. 

R xxxx🐾🐾🐾🐾

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

yes it's good to see how dogs get so enthusiastic about things!

 

we're on holiday at the moment. The journey took it out of me but I am recovering now! Balance is still affected but it's manageable. I tried out my new piece with the band on Thursday and it went well.  Our MD would like to gig it at some point, so that's good news. I've only needed to make a couple of small amendments to it, so I'm pleased with that.

 

warmest wishes

 

Rich

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BreathofAir

Hi @Songbird @Shep @bubble

 

I hope you are all ok.  I am really sorry to bother you.  I am concerned about my benzos and what is currently going on. 

 

I’ve remained constant at 1mg Lorazepam at 7am daily since 7th May

I’ve also remained constant on 1mg Diazepam at 9am and 9pm daily since 30th April. 

 

I was still tapering the Diazepam at the time of my crash, but introduced the Lorazepam two weeks after I crashed because my anxiety and agitation were too severe for me to control and I’d only reinstated the Escitalopram at 2.5mg 1 day before the Lorazepam.

 

I realise I have complicated things with the Lorazepam and by updosing the Diazepam at the time of the crash, but I felt at too much risk so made that decision in a panic. 

 

Over the past week I have noticed my daily and nighttime anxiety is increasing (with Cortisol burning) and occurring in a pattern.

I am also not sure whether I am experiencing panic attacks, which manifest as uncontrollable shaking and crying that coincide. 

From around 12 noon onwards the anxiety is now much more severe with spikes around 2pm, 4pm 6pm and then holding higher through the evening until bedtime. 

 

I don’t know whether this is because of the Escitalopram increased dose kicking in at the four-week mark or if it’s possibly tolerance or interdose withdrawal from the benzos. 

 

Is there any way to “test” if it is the benzos without rocking the boat too much?  I feel that I am going backwards and don’t know what to do. 

 

Thank you for any help you are able to give. 

Best wishes, 

R xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

Back on your thread to torment you😈

Not really, back here because it is time others had the chance to see the progress you think you are not making, plus if I keep zapping between threads and PMs I end up posting in wrong place.

Just ask @Longroadhome, could have been sooooooooooo embarassing!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would have loved to have been on the beach when it rained and you started laughing, could have told everyone you were a mad woman🤣

I know you hate the morning cortisol spikes but they will resolve. I think it was about a month after the updose when they started to fade for me, about another couple of weeks to relent totally.

Unfortunately they still occur if I sleep in the afternoon but hey once a day is better than twice. Even the pm ones are lessening so it just takes time.

Really good systematic advice to @LilBit, your brain is obviously working well today.

I like your current level of determination and resolve, keep it up you know we are all behind you.

Hugs from BS, not that BS, Bonnie Scotland😊

 

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Sassenach

Rachel

 

The mods will probably ask you for you diary which you published for 2 days but not since.

Have you been doing a written one?

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Sassenach

Forgot pics in your email to cheer you up

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BreathofAir

Good evening Sassenach, 

 

I tell you what (she says in her thick Bradfordian accent), I’ve had such a fight on my hands today. Anxiety through the roof, horrible heartburn and reflux, thick headache, no appetite, weeping every hour. All whilst trying to cut my grass and trim my hedge before the rain came.  I lifted up a large stone by the pond I made before I crashed and a huge toad popped out at me making me fall backwards.  I thought it must be a sign of some sort so I looked it up.  Apparently a toad is a symbol of having to do something that you may not particularly like.  But doing this task will often prove rewarding.  So there you go.  The ‘not particularly like’ is a gross understatement of course, but I hope for a huge healing reward for all of us. 🐸 (yes I know it’s a frog - I couldn’t find a toad and frogs are supposed to be good luck too. So have a frog on me. 🙂

 

How are things with you? I know they’ve not been so good.  Have you booked any therapies? Do you manage to sleep despite naps?  I will not even shut my eyes during the day I’m so nervous of mucking up any ounce of sleep I get at night! 

 

I function, but that’s because I’ve got Mother and Husband on my back and I do it for my daughter, but I would say my symptoms are not improving. In fact, you’ll see I’ve had to ask the Mods for advice. My brain might be functioning reasonably well, but I’d give anything for this anxiety to settle down.  I know my GP thinks I should updose and I will be in trouble when I see him.  But I’m trying to get through each day with courage and resolve and belief that I can overcome the constant fear and anxiety without more drugs. Am finding it such a hard, exhausting, lonely fight. 

 

My mother returns tomorrow for a couple of days, then off again.  I’m following your advice and taking each day at a time. Wish I could fit 16v turbo engines to our tortoises though. 

 

Besides the frog I’ll throw in a huge Yorkshire hug as well.  Am now off to let Snowey zoom round the fields and see if I can help my roast chicken dinner to try and digest.  Onwards and onwards....

 

Bless you my friend. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. 

R xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

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