BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[Sassenach]

5 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

I’ve got Mother and Husband on my back

You do realise they alternate between caring helpers to devils incarnate depending entirely on how you are feeling😈😇

It is all part of this horrible experience and we all go through it.

Guess I will accept the frog with thanks, will never be a prince.

Tomorrow will be better.

Enjoy your walk and check your mail.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Sassenach, 

 

You got that exactly right! How did you know?!! 

 

What lovely pictures. Dogs and sticks. Thank you. 😊

I went for a walk along a disused railway line the other week and a dog was coming towards me quite quickly.  My brain didn’t register in time that something wasn’t right and it was only when I received a hefty crack on the shins from a long, thick tree branch that I realised what the dog was carrying in its mouth! Big Ouch. 

 

Well, Snowey in bed, daughter read to and cuddled to sleep.  Me on here looking for comfort and strength.  My daughter was doing the story of Robert the Bruce and the Spider not long ago at school.  I always think of that. 

 

Yes, tomorrow will be better. 🌞🌞🌞🌞

 

Courage does not always roar. 

Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying

I will try again tomorrow 

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

 

Goodnight my friend. Sleep and heal well. Bless you and hope the winds blow away your cog fog and other ailments.  

And you are a true prince. So there. 😋

 

R xxxxxx

[ChessieCat]

7 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Rachel

 

The mods will probably ask you for you diary which you published for 2 days but not since.

Have you been doing a written one? 

 

Yes we need the daily symptom diary.

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

How are you doing today?

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

I managed some DIY jobs (painting and sanding) and a nice walk in the sun with Snowey.  

 

I had an awful night last night and was awake doing a lot of thinking. 

 

My symptoms are unfortunately getting worse each day (today included) and it looks like I will also have to go back on the Pantoprazole for my stomach so that my diet is not so tight. The acid reflux and indigestion has been awful.  I’m also just losing too much weight. I’d worked so hard to get off them as well. So annoyed, but need to halt the slide. 

 

I spent ages typing my daily symptoms up but somehow deleted them on my i pad.  But I’ve come to the conclusion anyhow that I’ve reached tolerance withdrawal with the benzos. I recognise all the signs.  Since I can’t taper off them right now, my only option is to updose the Escitalopram because my anxiety is so severe.  I can then hopefully taper the benzos if and when I get stable on the Escitalopram.  It’s not the direction I was hoping to go in, but I knew the risk when I took the Lorazepam.  I was just hoping I’d get more time to stabilise on a lower dose of Escitalopram, but it’s not to be.  My cognition and daily function might tell people a different story, but I’m really suffering physically and mentally from the anxiety and I can’t let it go on. 

 

How are things with you? I hope you’ve had a good day and things are picking up? 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

[Tom37]

Just remember if you updose the stabilisation clock gets reset to zero.

 

It can easily take 12 months and longer to stabilise so two or three months is very early days. It took me about 4 to 5 months before I started having significantly better periods. I’m now 7 months out and while a lot better still not stable and still have symptoms.

 

Understand  your suffering and your situation is compounded by a benzo so best to ask moderators for advice before updosing.

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

Sorry to hear you’re suffering. Tom’s advice seems very wise to me.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[BreathofAir]

Hi Rich, 

 

How are you doing? Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it very much. 

 

I don’t really feel I have a choice.  This is the dilemma I faced two years ago.  To go or not to go on ADs to halt my weight loss.  Also, I can’t taper the benzos right now so the tolerance withdrawal from them is adding to my symptoms. The anxiety and pain is ferocious.  I was stupidly hoping for a couple of months’ more grace from them, but it’s getting me at night as well as during the day now.  Just feel trapped to be honest, but that’s the nature of the beast.  I’ve weighed things up as best I can. 

 

Hope you are doing ok yourself? Sending you hugs and blessings. Sleep well. 

Night,

R 

xxxxxxxxxxxx

🐾🐾🐾🐾

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

I'm sure we'll continue to support you whatever you decide to do!

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel

 

You seem to have made your decision based on what you did in the past, but I think your nervous system was pretty stable then.

Is that correct?

If it was there is no guarantee, in fact it is highly unlikely that you would follow the same course again.

The only predictable element in WD is its unpredictability.

The Escitalopram is central to your recovery so it should be the last thing you take risks with.

Before you make the final decision talk to your GP about other possible means of treating your side effects.

The Escitalopram is working, it is evident in your writing,  but as you say the burning and anxiety are unbearable then look at others ways of controlling them.

You are only three weeks in from updose and have improved so much.

As Tom pointed out you will start from zero with an already sensitised nervous system.

If you do see your GP make it clear you do not want to updose but would like help with the other symptoms.

How does your husband feel about an updose?

I know the rock and a hard place is horrible so I can only  wish you guidance.

On ‎6‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 8:40 PM, BreathofAir said:

Well, Snowey in bed, daughter read to and cuddled to sleep

We need more of this.

Let us know your decision, may your god guide you.

 

Strength from the North

 

Sassenach

PS before you make your decision check out @Longroadhome thread for yesterday

[Dejavu]

Gosh, I hate to see you updose. As @Tom37 says, this will reset your stability timetable. I know this from painful past experience. 3 weeks is not nearly long enough to stabilize. Bouncing around will only sensitize and destabilize your system further. I don't want to sound harsh, but you have a habit of messing with your dose when symptoms become difficult. I know very well the need to "do something," but it is not serving you well now and will not serve you well down the road. I know you are frightened and upset, but you've got to trust the process or it will not work. It is, in my opinion, highly unlikely that you will see improvement as long as you keep chopping and changing your dosages. It seems you're making changes, but then not giving those changes time to work before you change up again. 

 

I really think you need the input of an experienced mod who can maybe make a better suggestion than updosing the AD. @Shep is very knowledgeable about benzos. @Altostrata is knowledgeable about everything. Perhaps one of them can help now that I've tagged them? I beg you not to make any further changes until a mod has time to chime in. As a member of SA, you have access to the absolute best advice for this syndrome that exists. It would be a real waste not to avail yourself of it. 

 

Keep your chin up and please, sweetie, wait for a mod's advice.

[BreathofAir]

Dear @Altostrata @Shep @Songbird @eymen23

 

Please can anyone advise on what I should do. I am familiar with benzo tolerance from last year and recognise the symptoms. I crossed over from Lorazepam to Diazepam in February last year for that reason and started to taper down. At that point I was still on 20mg Escitalopram. 

 

For this past week by 2pm every day my anxiety ramps up and I experience panic attack-like feelings and restlessness that goes on throughout the afternoon and evening until I take my Diazepam at 9pm.  I had this last year.  

 

I reinstated 5mg Escitalopram on 6 May (6 weeks ago) and then increased to 10mg by mistake on 21st May, which I reduced back down to 7.5mg on 27th May. (3 weeks ago)

 

My anxiety and agitation that I experienced immediately after the crash were lessened by the Lorazepam to the extent my function improved and I felt “safer”.  I did wait two weeks before taking this option, but I became very unsafe. 

 

I feel that the Lorazepam has played a larger part in lessening the agitation and anxiety and I know this has complicated things. At the time I felt I had to do something to keep myself safe immediately. 

 

I do not want to return to my initial state because non drug coping techniques were not sufficient and I therefore thought my only option would be to updose the Escitalopram and then hold to see the effect and then look at the Lorazepam. 

 

I am trying very hard doing everything I can with a strict routine, but I know I need to make a decision because my symptoms are deteriorating every day. 

 

Thank you for any help you can give me. 

R xxxx

 

 

[Shep]

Please re-read this post from last month when we were discussing interdose withdrawal:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/20446-breathofair-dual-taper-mistake/?do=findComment&comment=427310

 

We really need symptoms notes in order to help, especially since there's a drug interaction between the lorazepam and escitalopram.

 

Are you still taking Zopiclone? It's listed in that post I linked to, but I don't see it in your signature. Please update your signature:

 

Account - Settings - Create or Update Your Signature

 

Please also include any supplements and how many hours you are sleeping each night.

 

On 9/27/2016 at 2:49 PM, Altostrata said:

In the course of discussion in your Introductions forum topic, you may be asked to keep notes on paper of your daily symptom pattern, including when you take your drugs, their dosages, and any symptoms. We ask this because there may be something we can do to reduce the symptoms.

 

What we need to see for every single day over several days is what symptoms you get before and after you take your drugs. If you're not taking any drugs and have withdrawal symptoms, we still need to see your symptom pattern throughout the day:

 

The time of day, dosage, and severity of symptoms are essential information. Include

 

- Time and dosage for all drugs taken throughout the day, psychiatric and non-psychiatric.

- Following each dose, note any symptoms. If you are having a reaction to the drug, it may take hours for a symptom to show up -- that's why we ask you to keep notes all day long.

- If you're not taking any drugs, your symptoms throughout the day.

- Your sleep pattern. Since so many drugs disturb sleep, if you find you're waking in the middle of the night, it could be from a drug you took earlier in the evening. If you're not taking any drugs, there may be ways you can improve your sleep.

And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, looking something like this:
 
6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Rachel

 

Please let us know how you are doing.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

How are things with you? I’m sorry I did not realise something had happened with your neighbours. I’m very very sorry for them, but hope also that it is not putting a huge strain on you. 

 

I’m ok. I’m seeing my doctor on Monday. I’m also hoping to join a self help workshop locally with Mind. Just been doing more DIY today, little jobs here and there. 

 

Just don’t know what else to do other than one foot in front of the other and one day at a time, with lots of deep breathing and crying!!!! 

 

Really hope you are ok. Sending big hugs my friend. 🐸🤗🐸🤗🐸🤗🐸🤗🐸🤗🐸

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

[Altostrata]

On 6/18/2019 at 10:22 AM, BreathofAir said:

Since I can’t taper off them right now, my only option is to updose the Escitalopram because my anxiety is so severe.

 

This is a common misunderstanding. Antidepressants are NOT anti-anxiety drugs. Taking more escilatopram won't counter anxiety, it may go in the opposite direction, they can be activating, particularly if your nervous system has been sensitized by drug changes.

 

If your symptoms are caused by a benzo adverse reaction (rebound anxiety, breakthrough, paradoxical reaction, etc.), the way to deal with it is to regularize and adjust benzo dosing, not increase escilatopram. This is why we keep asking you for your daily drug schedule and symptom pattern.

 

Your daily drug schedule and symptom pattern is essential to figuring out a plan. If you don't want to do this, that's your choice. We won't be able to help. We can't just guess at a solution for you.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Altostrata, 

 

I had actually done my daily schedules, but deleted it all by mistake so I’ve been trying to recall my notes. It’s just going to take some time.  I understand what you are saying regarding the benzos. 

 

Thank you for your help. 

R. Xxx

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel.

 

In the world of WD unknowns it is rare to get clear unqualified facts.

You asked Alto and her reply could not be more facual.

You have used the word activated many times to describe your condition.

What are you using to record your symptoms, an Ipad?

I have never used one but most software does not actually delete files until you empty the trash bin.

Does you pad automatically save copies to the cloud, if so backups could be there.

It may be worth trying.

I understand how annoying it must be to have gone to the trouble of making notes and losing them particularly when you are not well.

I would not rely on memory, start from today if you cannot retreive as above.

Keep them brief as per the Alto's format.

She only needs to know how you feel and when, not what you did.

Best way for me, small notepad, keep notes during day and transfer when convenient and a hard copy is a useful backup.

I know this would be a stuggle for me to remember so would set multiple alarms on my phone and jot down notes during day.

We all know you can do this so give Alto the info she needs to help balance out the activating effects of the Escitalopram.

Have a good day and we will chat later about important things, like dogs.

Got to go catch some fish.🐳

 

Hugs

 

Sassenach

[bubble]

Don't forget the information about Zopiclone. I can't see it in your signature: when you started, at what dose and when you stopped.

[BreathofAir]

Wednesday 19th June

 

Daily Symptoms and drug doses

 

4.00am.       Awoke for bathroom. Back to sleep

7.00am.       Cortisol awakening. High anxiety, burning and nausea.  1mg Lorazepam taken

8.30am.       Breakfast 

9.00am.       1 Diazepam taken.  Low level anxiety

10.30am.     7.5mg Escitalopram taken

12.00 noon  Lunch. No appetite. 

1.00pm.       Increase in anxiety. Crying and feeling low. 

3.00pm.       Anxiety eased off.  Mood lifted into evening. Felt much better. 

9.00pm.       1mg Diazepam taken 

9.30pm.       Bed. Off to sleep ok. 

 

Thursday 20th June

 

5.00am.    Awoke for bathroom. Back to sleep

7.00am.    Cortisol awakening. Severe anxiety, burning and nausea.  1mg Lorazepam taken

8.30am.    Breakfast 

9.00am.    1 Diazepam taken.  Mid level anxiety. Crying. Feeling low. No motivation. Forced myself to gym and swimming. 

10.30am.  7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  Mid level anxiety. Flat and uneasy

12.30         Lunch. Forced food down.

1.00pm.    Increase in anxiety. Ruminating. Stomach pain. Low energy. 

3.00pm.    Upset and anxiety increasing. Got irritable. Avoided everybody. 

6.00pm.    Dinner. No appetite. 

Terrible low mood, crying and frightened. Very irritable. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

Sorry to hear you are having a rotten day, that makes two of us.

I will look back in your thread and find the info on Zopiclone.

I seem to remember you did not take it for very long.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

I’ve put the Zopiclone on my signature. Please don’t worry. Thank you for your help and care. 

 

Having a very distressing evening. Feel trapped regarding updosing Escitalopram and dealing with benzos and don’t know which way to turn.  I am finding this site too upsetting for me. Things not good at home. Too much instability, tension and stress. 

 

Am so sorry you’re not good either. Sending you big hugs. Wish we could catch a break. Need to go apologise for losing it. 

 

R xxxxxxx

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

[Sassenach]

Rachel

 

Sorry things are not good at home and you obviously feel it your fault.

Is your husband trying to take you a different path to that explained by Alto?

Why is the site upsetting?

Whatever is going on, stress is not good for you, try and relax before bed.

 

Hugs

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Sassenach, 

 

No, my husband wants me to try to manage my anxiety without any further medication. So do I, but all the coming and going at home and just family stress is making it very difficult to build psychological stability, especially with the huge lows and not very high highs right now. My physical symptoms are increasing. Fatigue, stomach problems, headaches. Cog fog.  

 

My daughter is poorly at the moment so I must go. 

 

Please sleep well. Tomorrow will be better, as you say. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs. 

R xxxxxxx

🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

[Shep]

16 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

7.00am.       1mg Lorazepam 

9.00am.       1 Diazepam

10.30am.     7.5mg Escitalopram

9.00pm.       1mg Diazepam taken 

 

Do you feel it may help to space out the Lorazepam from one dose to two? The diazepam may be helping with interdose withdrawal from the lorazepam, but it looks like you still may be having some problems prior to the lorazepam dose. 

 

From your notes on both days,  prior to taking the lorazepam, you're dealing with, as you wrote, "Cortisol awakening. High anxiety, burning and nausea." With Lorazepam's half life of 10 - 20 hours, you likely are going into interdose withdrawal in the middle of the night, if not sooner. The notes for June 20 suggest you may be going into interdose withdrawal in the afternoon, however, since the June 19 notes state you were feeling better in the afternoon, it's hard to note a pattern. You may want to continue taking notes for a few more days. It may be helpful to note if anything stressful happened that could have created a spike in symptoms unrelated to the drugs (you don't have to state specifically what it was, just that you had an environmental stressor).

 

In the coming days, if you feel it would help to space out the lorazepam more, you could divide the lorazepam into two doses of .5 mg each. You could take .5 mg at 7 am and .5 mg at 7 pm. 

 

If you decide to do this, it's best to move the lorazepam gradually. We usually advise moving a dose 1 hour a day, but it's best not to take it at the same time as the diazepam or the escitalopram, so you may want to move .5 mg to 8 am the first day,  10 am the second day, noon the next day, and then continue moving it an hour ahead until you're at 7 pm.

 

By having the 7 pm dose, your mornings may be less difficult.

 

Some people find they need to take lorazepam three or more times a day, but with your diazepam doses, you may be fine with just twice a day for the lorazepam.

 

Please post your thoughts.

[BreathofAir]

Hi @Shep

 

I hope you are well. 

 

Thank you very much for this information.  I will keep further notes, but would like to give this a try. 

 

Things have changed again towards the end of this week and there are situational stressors going on, which I admit are not helping with the anxiety spikes.  

 

I am concerned about my psychological and physiological dependence on the Lorazepam, but am I right in thinking I should not mess with this at the moment? I didn’t know whether to substitute some of the Lorazepam with Diazepam or whether this would be a bad idea?  I just have this fear that Lorazepam is “doing all the work”.  Since my appetite remains very poor I had the feeling that the Escitalopram reinstatement had not really had any effect.  I realise I need to keep the doses the same until I stabilise, but I have to be honest in that I have clung to the Lorazepam every morning and I feel it is muddying the picture of how I am actually doing with my own coping and the Escitalopram.  

 

Thank you again for your help.  

Best wishes, 

Rachel xxx

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

I hope things are settling down at home.

Is your daughter OK?

I guess they were the devils incarnate if you needed to apologise.

Shep's advice looks good, no extra meds but better use of what you are on. As near to win-win as you get in WD. Really hope it works for you.

 

Hugs

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

How are you? How has your day been? 

 

Things are ok at home thank you. I had a nasty anxiety spike and got irritable.  It’s hard. They’re actually being really good. It’s me that’s all over the place.  My mother has left for a few days. It’s so odd when she’s not here. 

 

My daughter is feeling a lot better thank you.  She’s one tough little cookie. Could teach her mother a thing or two! 

 

It’s been a strange day.  Crying and low this morning, even on a lovely walk, then had a counselling session this afternoon, which was good. Managed to collect my daughter from school on my own and chat to people normally, then make tea and play with her and am going for a sunny evening walk with the little white fluffy man.  Met lots of gorgeous dogs today. 

 

These non-linear comings and goings are so hard to fathom. Just feel like I’m misfiring and backfiring all the time.  I said to the counsellor I’m like a washing machine on different cycles, with pre-set programmes of worries and fears going round and round, never switching off. 

 

Hope things are picking up for you? You never tell me much, so I can’t impart any of my female wisdom on you. 

 

Re the above plan, I’m seriously scared of these benzos, so am going to tread very carefully indeed. 

 

To add to our collection of strange beasts, we’ve now got two newts waiting to go into the pond.  My daughter asked for a bat. Absolutely NO CHANCE said I.  Anything that ends in ‘at’ won’t get a look-in with me! 

 

Sending you big hugs and and healing waves from our lucky toad. 

Bless you and hope you sleep well. 

R xxxxxxxx

🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸

🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

[Sassenach]

4 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

 She’s one tough little cookie. Could teach her mother a thing or two!

Let's not forget where she came from.

6 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

These non-linear comings and goings are so hard to fathom. Just feel like I’m misfiring and backfiring all the time.  I said to the counsellor I’m like a washing machine on different cycles, with pre-set programmes of worries and fears going round and round, never switching off. 

You cannot fathom something that is totally random. The washer as you said has pre-sets ie. not random.

You overthink your condition and make yourself anxious about it.

You asked how I knew about "caring helpers/devils incarnate". I have been following your progress some time,as you know, and have seen these episodes gradually reduce from family hell to what happened last night. Big difference now you can apologise and your husband and mum can accept the apology. That is hell of an improvement and more important is a big help in your recovery.

Recognise you are as tough as your daughter, the road will still be rocky but you will get there.

Finally talking of amphibians we rehomed 40 fish today, I do lead a strange life.🤣

 

Have a good night

 

Sassenach

 

[Dejavu]

Please remember that this heightened anxiety and depression is not "you." These are neuro-emotions, and as much as we'd love to, we can't always think through them, since, unlike real stressful situations, they have no basis in reality. Something that would normally be a 2 out of 10 on my personal stress scale was more like an 8-10 out of 10 when I was in the thick of it. It started slowly to fade after about 6 weeks of staying steady on one dose. Three months later, my anxiety is no higher than a 3, and that's during a wave. Its 0 when I'm in a window. This will happen for you too, despite the environmental stressors. As you improve, you will be able to see those stressors as they truly are - manageable, rather than what your withdrawal brain is making them into. 

 

I'm glad you're going to implement Shep's suggestion. Few people know more about benzos than she does. If you follow the advice of the mods on this site, I have no doubt you will be fine. 

 

Part of the problem for us all is that we are trained from an early age to trust medical advice above all else. And normally, I think that's wise. But in this case, it has been very well-established that the medical profession itself has been misguided and misinformed about these medications by the companies who distribute them. That probably poses an additional challenge for you, being married to a physician. I know because I have a doctor in my family also, and he initially did not believe in protracted withdrawal. But he has since actually said he has learned from my case, and from this site, which he graciously agreed to visit at my request. 

 

Bottom line, these three facts are my truth: (1) when I followed my doctor's advice, it sent me spiraling into hell from which I'm only now beginning to emerge; (2) had I continued to follow medical advice, I would now be polydrugged, hospitalized, suicidal or maybe even dead by now; and (3) when I began to follow the advice given here, I began to get well. That's all I need to know.

 

My doctor believes I'm doing great on 37.5mgs of zoloft. She believes that if you're on a "small" dose and taper over 3 months, withdrawal symptoms are "impossible." She thinks I'm better because the zoloft is "working" on my "condition." I no longer argue with her. I see her every 60 days and she renews my script. That's all I need. With the help of the mods and remembers here, I can handle the rest. 

 

Keep your chin up. Better times are on the way. Just keep that escitalopram dose steady and follow the advice of the mods. Hugs!!

[BreathofAir]

Thank you @Sassenach and @Dejavu

 

I’ve got my beautiful little daughter tucked up in bed beside me (a Friday night treat), we’ve read some wonderful stories together and earlier in the evening we went around the neighbourhood together watering our neighbours’ beautiful gardens and looking out for creatures.  The sun was still warm, there are lambs in the fields and birds of every variety, owls and baby rabbits running across the grass. It’s a little paradise to grow up in and tonight I was fully able to bask in it with my daughter and will hold on to this window in my precious little collection.   It’s during these times that I practise my mindfulness and coping strategies, storing up the moments to invoke when things aren’t so good. I’ve spent the past few weeks fighting during the dark times and I realised it was like learning to swim in a stormy sea.  I couldn’t do it. I’m now working on letting go and taking what comes.  I’ve never felt pain like it when I look at my daughter and just want to be full of joy so that I can infuse her with it, but accepting that I can only give her what I have at the time. 

 

Thank you both for your lovely messages. Your strength and conviction inspire me so much.  Just want to watch my daughter for a little longer whilst I’m still in this window, so will say goodnight and send more later. You are both always in my thoughts and prayers. 

 

Bless you. Sleep well and heal well. Sleep tight. 

R xxxxxxxxxxx

 

Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise. 🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

[Shep]

4 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I am concerned about my psychological and physiological dependence on the Lorazepam, but am I right in thinking I should not mess with this at the moment? I didn’t know whether to substitute some of the Lorazepam with Diazepam or whether this would be a bad idea?  I just have this fear that Lorazepam is “doing all the work”.

 

We discussed substituting some of the lorazepam with diazepam back in the middle of May. But that was just a couple of weeks after the crash (listed in your signature) in which you updosed the diazepam and added in a brief trial of zopiclone and went on lorazepam. 

 

Because it's now been about two months that you've been on the higher dose of diazepam, I would hesitate to crossover from diazepam to lorazepam at this point. You likely are now dependent on the higher diazepam dose, so if you did do a crossover, you would go into diazepam withdrawal. Hopefully the lorazepam would cover it, but with all of these recent changes, I would hesitate to try that right now. 

 

Please try spacing out the lorazepam as listed in my previous post. I would try that first to see if you get some relief. 

 

Please let us know how you do. 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

How are you today?

 

Back later.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Daily symptoms and drugs

Saturday 22nd June

 

Multiple wake ups during night. (Daughter I’ll)

7am           Cortisol awakening (anxiety medium)  1mg Lorazepam taken 

8am           Got daughter ready for swimming 

8.30am     Breakfast

9.00am     1mg Diazepam taken Household chores (feeling calmer)

10.00am   Walk dog 

10.30am   7.5mg Escitalopram taken

11.00am   Out with family fruit picking, garden centre (anxiety low/calm)

1.00pm     Lunch (anxiety low, appetite ok)

2.30pm     Home - mood crash, tears, severe anxiety spike, ruminating. Try to calm, relaxation/reading, playing with daughter

4.00pm     Daughter at friend’s. Still spiking and burning. 

More to follow...

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Just posting my daily symptoms before I change my benzo schedule tomorrow. 

 

How have you been today? 

 

After a lovely morning my wings have fallen off or the fuel’s run out or summat, so having a bit of quiet time to regroup. Thought I was getting through the day really well, but nope, the switch gets flipped by the unseen finger of mischief and misery. 

Despite all this talk of randomness, I have noticed a slight pattern going on.  I can never have a whole good day and if I experience any real spark of confidence or hope, it’s quite quickly followed by a huge anxiety spike, almost as if my system blows a fuse. Like it’s saying don’t get cocky! 

 

At least the weather has been nice, so I am thankful for a warm, sunny day, a lovely time with my daughter and husband, the beautiful colours of the summer flowers, the wonderful people on this forum and the fighting spirit glowing within us. 

Catch you later. 

R xxxxxx🐸

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

Don't panic ( Mr Mainwaring).

Reading your thread last night was special for one reason, not only were outside enjoying your time and engaging with the beauty of your surroundings. but you were actually happy.

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

  Cortisol awakening (anxiety medium)

When was the last time that happened, and I now have none on a morning and they only half what they were after a pm kip or summat.

You do realise yorkshire is a foreign language to the rest of the world.

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

I change my benzo schedule tomorrow. 

Maybe this is why the wings have fallen off.

I know you hate these drugs but if you broke a leg would you refuse a crutch? I know crutches are not drugs but the principle is the same.

You are improving brilliantly but the adage is still the same, one day at a time and use the means at your disposal to achieve stability.

These drugs are a tool, you are utilising them not the other way round and when you are stong enough you will quit them as you did before.

Shep' suggestions help use them better without increasing.

Have a good evening.

 

Sassenach.