BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Sassenach, 

 

Am going in search of my lucky toad in the garden before the sun sets.

 

So glad your cortisol whatsits have dropped off! Want to ask you a question, but will pop it on a PM tomorrow. 

 

I think my wings fell off because I hold on too tightly to the windows, especially with my daughter, but I guess subconsciously I’m nervous of the drug schedule change too. Just got to do it, I know.  Fortitude 🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁🦁

 

Going for a wander in the woods later with Snowey for a bit of evening chorus. Earlier in the month I could make out nightingales.  My daughter has a book about them.  I think we currently have two owls very nearby.  When I cuddle my daughter to sleep we lie there with the window open just listening.  It’s beautiful. 

 

Hope you sleep well tonight my friend. Bless you so much. Sending healing hugs and good luck from our toad, frogs and newts!! 

 

Night, 

R xxxxxxx

🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷

[Sassenach]

My whatsits have most definitely not dropped off, my wife would divorce me.🤣

Edited June 22, 2019 by Sassenach
missed word

[RichT]

Good luck with your lorazepam adjustment Rachel!

 

It's lovely to hear about the special times you are spending with your daughter.

 

I've adjusted my new piece after we played it at rehearsal and with luck the latest version is the final version.

 

I've also been working on an electronic piece, which I've just finished. I still feel rubbish, but at least I can this now, which keeps me busy.

 

I hope your recovery continues!

 

Warmest wishes

 

Rich

[BreathofAir]

Hi there @RichT, 

 

Was planning on dropping you a line to see how you are.  Were you away on holiday and did you manage to enjoy it? 

 

Really sorry to hear you still feel rubbish. Rubbish but functioning is such a disconcerting combination isn’t it? When you say “rubbish”, is it physical or mental symptoms?   Am glad you’re music productivity is good.  Something is working, which is good! 

 

I am really having to watch it with my blood sugar and timings of food and snacks. It’s such a pain.  When I was on the full dose of Escitalopram I was eating anything and everything - not junk, but just a full diet. Now, it’s like bird feed and it’s so miserable.  Everyone says, oh your skin is glowing! But I’m off sugar, dairy, gluten, red meat etc and they’re all having ice creams, barbecues, cocktails, the works.  If I even so much as sniff sugar right now my anxiety goes nuts.  My daughter was trying to give me strawberries this morning from the picking and I was trying to explain I’m off sugar.  So typical five-year old said Oh that’s no problem, I can have yours mummy! She doesn’t do sympathy. Takes after grandma 😏

 

I really hope things pick up for you and the fact that your music is going well gives you confidence and infuses you physically and mentally. 

 

Sending you hugs and blessings. Sleep well. Heal well. Night. 

R

xxxx🐾🐾🐾🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

 

 

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

thanks for the kind wishes.

 

yes we had a short holiday to Spain - it was very nice.

 

for me rubbish is physical and mental. I have physical symptoms like severe muscle aches and stiffness - this is what being old must feel like! But I also just feel constantly sick and ill, which is a mixture of mental and physical. I’m pretty stable in it so I guess this is ‘wd normal’, and i’m grateful i’m a lot better than before I reinstated. I’m not planning to reduce my Abilify for a while yet.

 

R

[BreathofAir]

@RichT

 

Good morning Rich, 

 

I hope you slept well.  Glad you had a nice little holiday. Does the heat help you? 

 

I wanted to say that your thoughts about how you feel echoed mine exactly, just yesterday.  I was walking/shuffling along in my usual shambolic state of stiffness, aching, griping, nervous stomach, anxiety popping like crackle dust in the mouth, and I thought: I am having a glimpse into the future, but the future is now. This is how it feels to be old.  I felt awful for thinking that and it wasn’t meant in a disparaging sense.   I’m no spring chicken anyway and having a child later in life certainly rips the blinkers right off, but I just felt a touch of something that I can’t put into words, a shift or a hold on me, that someone or something is operating me in slow motion and playing with the controls every day!

 

I spent some time last night thinking about how we’re encouraged to accept how things are for the present and to be patient. But I also want a balance between passivity and pro activity and at least to try and feel more control instead of reacting all the time and then trying to calm. 

 

Are you tolerating where you’re at with your medication at the moment? If you are that’s a good thing.  

 

I still don’t have a clue what is really doing what, how much is still withdrawal, how much is reinstatement adjustment and how much my own fragile psychological state!  So I’m just going to work a lot more on the latter and will start seeing a therapist now every week I think.  Next up piano 😊😊🎶

 

Hope you have a good Sunday.  My sister is bringing her super silly oversized Labrador gun dog to visit so poor Snowey always gets a little bit overwhelmed and has to have quiet time out. 

 

Enjoy your day. Sending you positive energy waves and hugs. 

Best wishes, 

R xxxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Really struggling today.  Bad night, missed all my dosage times, very bad cortisol and nausea. Just can’t find my feet. Family downstairs eating lunch, I’ve had to come away because I can’t stop crying.  I don’t resent anyone feeling healthy and normal, I’m just on the outside looking in, banging on the window.  God I’m so scared and lonely today with a house full of people. 

 

Hope everyone is having a better day. Bless you all so much. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[RichT]

Sorry to hear you’re having a bad day, Rachel. You will have better ones, like the ones you have had recently. Having lots of people in the house can be overloading.

 

i’m tolerating the medicine quite well - the Abilify is at a very low dose.

 

keep positive,you can do it.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[BreathofAir]

Thank you so much Rich, 

 

I woke up feeling terrible and have been trying to pull it back all day! Very much hope tomorrow is better. 🙂

 

Looking forward to bedtime cuddles with my daughter in a short while.  

 

Hope you’ve had a good day. Really appreciate your support. 

Bless you and hope you sleep well. 

 

Night, 

R xxxxxxxxx

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

You saved your good day to memory for days like today.

Don't let your chin drop your determination is still there and no one is pulling your controls, WD is playing with your brain but it is fighting back.

Enjoy your cuddles, relax reset and get back on schedule with your meds tomorrow and don't forget your diary.

The times today are important so the mods can see how it has affected your day.

I know it is the last thing you feel like doing which is why it is important.

Sorry have not been around much today.

Have a good evening, will chat tomorrow.

 

Big hugs

 

 

Sassenach

 

PS what did you want to ask?

 

[BreathofAir]

Daily diary symptoms and doses (have not implemented dose change due to upset stomach)

 

Sunday 23 June 

 

From previous day - 9.00 pm bed 1mg Diazepam taken

Slept for approx 6 hours, vivid dreams and nightmares night before

 

6am     Woke up feeling very nauseous.  Bathroom. Dropped off back to sleep

8am     Severe cortisol awakening. More nausea.  1mg Lorazepam taken 

             Breakfast. More nausea and upset stomach. 

9.30     1mg Diazepam taken. Very low mood, shaky, feeling sick and severe anxiety 

             Soaked in bath, tried to relax

             Household jobs. 

11.00   7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  Sister visited (moderate anxiety, tearful) 

12.00   Mother arrived. Went for walk. 

1.00     Lunch (Anxiety severe, crying. Ate alone)

             Severe anxiety and crying. Restless. 

3.00     Went shopping (severe anxiety)

4.00     Prepared dinner. (Anxiety lowered)

5.00     Daughter home.  Ate dinner together. Played. 

6.30.    Dog walk (Anxiety lowered)

7.00     Bedtime with daughter (calm)

8.00     Reading (calm)

 

 

[Altostrata]

On 6/12/2019 at 1:13 PM, BreathofAir said:

Wednesday 12th June   Daily diary and drug doses

 

Bed 9pm night before. 1mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok. 

Awoke a couple of times, but back to sleep. Fidgety.

 

6.00am     Awake for bathroom. Back to sleep

7.30am     Light cortisol and anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken

8.00am     Got daughter ready for school

8.30am     Breakfast 

9.00am     1mg Diazepam taken. Long walk with dog

10.00am   Household jobs

10.30am   7.5mg Escitalopram taken

11.00am   Headache and feeling thick-headed

12noon     Lunch. Stomach ache and acid reflux afterwards

12.30am   Out into town with mother. Low anxiety and general discomfort in stomach

  3.30pm   Collected daughter from school.  Played with daughter 

5.00pm     Prepared dinner

5.30pm     Ate dinner (calm)

6.00pm     Visited neighbour. Managed to laugh (calm)

7.00pm     Got daughter ready for bath and bed. Stories and cuddles (calm)

8.00pm     Reading (calm)

9.00pm     Bed 1mg of Diazepam taken

 

 

On 6/13/2019 at 1:48 PM, BreathofAir said:

 Thursday 13th June   Daily diary and drug doses

 

Bed 9pm night before. 1mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok. Awoke several times, but back to sleep.

 

7.00am     Moderate cortisol and anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken

8.00am     Got daughter ready for school

8.30am     Breakfast 

9.00am     1mg Diazepam taken. Stomach ache and flat mood.

10.00am   Household jobs

10.30am   7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  To the gym. Moderate anxiety. Felt flat. 

1.00pm     Lunch. Stomach ache. Little appetite.

1.30pm     Friend visited. Moderate anxiety. Cried. 

3.30pm     Collected daughter from school.  Played together. 

5.00pm     Prepared dinner.  Headache 

5.30pm     Ate dinner

6.00pm     Walked dog (low anxiety)

7.00pm     Bell ringing at church (calm)

9.00pm     1 mg Diazepam taken

10.00pm   Bed

 

 

 

On 6/20/2019 at 10:25 AM, BreathofAir said:

Wednesday 19th June

 

Daily Symptoms and drug doses

 

4.00am.       Awoke for bathroom. Back to sleep

7.00am.       Cortisol awakening. High anxiety, burning and nausea.  1mg Lorazepam taken

8.30am.       Breakfast 

9.00am.       1 Diazepam taken.  Low level anxiety

10.30am.     7.5mg Escitalopram taken

12.00 noon  Lunch. No appetite. 

1.00pm.       Increase in anxiety. Crying and feeling low. 

3.00pm.       Anxiety eased off.  Mood lifted into evening. Felt much better. 

9.00pm.       1mg Diazepam taken 

9.30pm.       Bed. Off to sleep ok. 

 

Thursday 20th June

 

5.00am.    Awoke for bathroom. Back to sleep

7.00am.    Cortisol awakening. Severe anxiety, burning and nausea.  1mg Lorazepam taken

8.30am.    Breakfast 

9.00am.    1 Diazepam taken.  Mid level anxiety. Crying. Feeling low. No motivation. Forced myself to gym and swimming. 

10.30am.  7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  Mid level anxiety. Flat and uneasy

12.30         Lunch. Forced food down.

1.00pm.    Increase in anxiety. Ruminating. Stomach pain. Low energy. 

3.00pm.    Upset and anxiety increasing. Got irritable. Avoided everybody. 

6.00pm.    Dinner. No appetite. 

Terrible low mood, crying and frightened. Very irritable. 

 

 

On 6/22/2019 at 8:10 AM, BreathofAir said:

Daily symptoms and drugs

Saturday 22nd June

 

Multiple wake ups during night. (Daughter I’ll)

7am           Cortisol awakening (anxiety medium)  1mg Lorazepam taken 

8am           Got daughter ready for swimming 

8.30am     Breakfast

9.00am     1mg Diazepam taken Household chores (feeling calmer)

10.00am   Walk dog 

10.30am   7.5mg Escitalopram taken

11.00am   Out with family fruit picking, garden centre (anxiety low/calm)

1.00pm     Lunch (anxiety low, appetite ok)

2.30pm     Home - mood crash, tears, severe anxiety spike, ruminating. Try to calm, relaxation/reading, playing with daughter

4.00pm     Daughter at friend’s. Still spiking and burning. 

More to follow...

 

31 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Daily diary symptoms and doses (have not implemented dose change due to upset stomach)

 

Sunday 23 June 

 

From previous day - 9.00 pm bed 1mg Diazepam taken

Slept for approx 6 hours, vivid dreams and nightmares night before

 

6am     Woke up feeling very nauseous.  Bathroom. Dropped off back to sleep

8am     Severe cortisol awakening. More nausea.  1mg Lorazepam taken 

             Breakfast. More nausea and upset stomach. 

9.30     1mg Diazepam taken. Very low mood, shaky, feeling sick and severe anxiety 

             Soaked in bath, tried to relax

             Household jobs. 

11.00   7.5mg Escitalopram taken.  Sister visited (moderate anxiety, tearful) 

12.00   Mother arrived. Went for walk. 

1.00     Lunch (Anxiety severe, crying. Ate alone)

             Severe anxiety and crying. Restless. 

3.00     Went shopping (severe anxiety)

4.00     Prepared dinner. (Anxiety lowered)

5.00     Daughter home.  Ate dinner together. Played. 

6.30.    Dog walk (Anxiety lowered)

7.00     Bedtime with daughter (calm)

8.00     Reading (calm)

 

 

 

I see that you've settled on a schedule of

 

7-8 a.m. 1mg lorazepam

9:00 a.m. 1mg diazepam

10:30 7.5mg escilatopram

9:00 p.m. 1mg diazepam

 

On 6/19/2019 at 1:20 AM, BreathofAir said:

For this past week by 2pm every day my anxiety ramps up and I experience panic attack-like feelings and restlessness that goes on throughout the afternoon and evening until I take my Diazepam at 9pm.  I had this last year.  

 

If you get a symptom regularly at 2 p.m. every day, it's because of something you're doing regularly earlier in the day, i.e. one of the drugs you're taking.

 

This could be 1) paradoxical reactions  in the p.m. from the lorazepam-diazepam combo in the morning; 2) activation from Lexapro in the p.m.; 3) breakthrough withdrawal from lorazepam in early morning (blood level of benzo combo is in a trough); 4) any combination of the above; 5) all the above.

 

My guess is you're taking TOO MUCH benzo (lorazepam-diazepam combo) in the morning, the lorazepam dose on top of diazepam is unnecessary. The afternoon activation could be a paradoxical reaction from your morning benzos. My guess is your morning nausea is breakthrough from lorazepam as well.

 

To isolate whether the escilatopram is the problem, you could try moving the 7.5mg escilatopram dose a half-hour each day until you're taking it at noon. You will need to keep notes every day for a week so we can see if your symptom pattern moves around. If it does, you're taking too much escilatopram.

 

If your symptom pattern does not move around, a paradoxical reaction from your morning benzos is the culprit. A gradual reduction of lorazepam to zero may be called for (attention @Shep)

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel.

How are you feeling today?

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

I’m getting by thank you. So far, better than yesterday.  Just can’t work these mood swings and anxiety surges out.  I’ve moved my Escitalopram dose, as Alto has suggested, to see what effect this has.  The benzos terrify me.  I think I was only able to taper them down last year because I was on such a high dose of Escitalopram.  

 

Going to see my GP shortly.  He’s always running so far behind and the waiting room plays loud radio music. Nothing light or classical, just the latest chart rubbish and mindless adverts blaring away.  Exactly what you need when you’re trying to gather your thoughts.  My daughter is poorly again, so it was musical beds last night. Not much sleep. 

 

How are things with you? Stumbled across any toads? 

Catch you later. 

R xxxxx🐸🐾🐸🐾🐸🐾🐾🐸🐾🐸🐾

[Sassenach]

On 6/23/2019 at 10:12 AM, BreathofAir said:

But I also want a balance between passivity and pro activity and at least to try and feel more control instead of reacting all the time and then trying to calm

Hi Rachel

 

Hope all went OK at the GP's.

You are already balancing these things. You are keeping a diary and helping the mods to analyse your already improving condition.

You are swimming, at the gym and mutliple dog walking a day ie. improving your fitness and hopefully your appetite, all to be recommended.

If this chat was the other way around you would be telling me not to overdo it.

You are enjoying your daughter, which for me is probably the best of all.

I can honestly say I wish I was improving as quickly as you, particularly as you are now a" shambling old person"😈

You feel you are still near the edge but you much safer than you were.

3 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

The benzos terrify me.  I think I was only able to taper them down last year because I was on such a high dose of Escitalopram.  

You are using the past to predict the future again and you know  it does not work like that.

You also have a lot of very experienced help. so do as they ask, keep them informed and you will get there.

We have had frogs and toads breeding in our pond for the last three years, plus the fish and they are worse than🐇.

You should have been here yesterday.

Needed a boost so went up to my mate's farm. He is into amateur rallying and has a circuit in a 100 acre field .

80mph sideways in an Impreza towards a gatepost makes for a great adrenaline shot.

My best time was 7 seconds down on his, not so good, sore loser

Have a good evening.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

 

Sassench

 

[BreathofAir]

Daily diary of symptoms and doses

 

9pm bed night before 1 mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok. 

Daughter ill in the night, multiple wake ups, but back to sleep ok. 

 

6.45am      Wake up (no cortisol).  1mg Lorazepam taken. Back to sleep. 

8.45am      Wake up (no cortisol) (Mood good)

9.00am      Breakfast   1mg Diazepam taken 

Household jobs. Caring for daughter (hardly noticeable anxiety, mood good)

10.00am   Dog walk (with daughter) 

11.00am   Escitalopram 7.5mg taken

11.30am   Shopping (with daughter) 

12.30pm   Lunch (calm, appetite ok)

2.00pm     Home. With daughter 

3.00pm     Doctor appointment (calm)

4.00pm     Home. Played with daughter. Laughing, having fun. Felt good. 

5.30pm     Dinner (enjoyed food)

6.30pm     Dog walk (enjoyed)

7.00pm     Daughter bedtime 

8.00pm     Reading. Calm. 

 

Comment - First full day of hardly any anxiety and feeling as close to normal since crash 8 weeks ago. 

Doctor recommended to hold Escitalopram at 7.5mg.  3 week follow up arranged. 

Possible plan to cross over to Diazepam depending on progress. 

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Good evening Sassenach, 

 

Sorry for late reply.  Hope you are ok. Good for you bezzing (another Yorkshire bit o’ slang) about in an Impreza. Bit of a scallywag eh? I had an Impreza estate myself when I had my two Pyreneans in the 90s. Big, noisy white dogs in a big, noisy white car. Used to do a bit of rallying and auto testing.  You need to do more of that. Blow the fatigue away. 

 

Yes, ponds are a lot of work. I built a small one for my daughter, no fish, just for frogs and birds! I used to have koi at my old house, but the filtration system was a big pain, so never again.  I’d love to build a stream. That’s for later. 

 

I had a good consultation with my doctor. He’s in agreement to hold at 7.5mg and just go day-by-day.  I’m just so perplexed by the drastic mood swings, but I’m trying my best to learn to deal with them and be patient.  Today has been my best window in 8 weeks. I’m very grateful for it and dearly wish I could hold on to it.  Recovery is so ethereal and I’ve really lost my sense of time and place. 

 

I guess you’re still troubled with the fatigue and cog fog? My husband gets fatigue and I have a suspicion that he has something in common with you.  He could nap all day long.  I know it’s not easy at all. 

 

Thank you once again for your kind and encouraging words. Sending you hugs too. Bless you. 

Sleep well and keep healing. 

Night, 

R xxxxxx

🐟 🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷😏🐸🐸🐸

[Sassenach]

3 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

My husband gets fatigue and I have a suspicion that he has something in common with you

And what would that be Rachel?

[BreathofAir]

I have PMd you. X

[RichT]

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

 

 

Comment - First full day of hardly any anxiety and feeling as close to normal since crash 8 weeks ago. 

Doctor recommended to hold Escitalopram at 7.5mg.  3 week follow up arranged. 

Possible plan to cross over to Diazepam depending on progress. 

 

 

 

Wow, great news! 

 

R

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

You definitely did not offend me.

I was  expecting one of your deeply thought out comparisons of our characters, instead a simple medical comparison ( no sarcasm intended)

That is great as you do tend to overthink situations etc. I should own up I used to do it in business but for many years now I just cope with what comes along.

Maybe my only challenge these days🤣

I should set the record straight about your husband and mum.

I did not have the experience to assess your situation properly. You were a damsel in distress and were being bullied by a man, not acceptable under any circumstances in my world. Very old fashioned I know.

I now realise you were all very frightened and unsure of the future. I know we are unpredictable during WD but I never realised it could as bad as it was for you. Thanks to @RichT & @Dejavuas  well as others I hope I now have at least some understanding.

Bottom line, I think they both crossed the line at one point but did not see any other way.

I hope they see the improvement and you have found ways to defuse the situation when necessary.

Enough of the past it is the future that matters.

Keep the diary and hopefully you will be able to level out.

Have a good day.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Good morning Sassenach, 

 

Thank you for the lovely message. Yes, coping with what comes along is about right and sometimes learning to really let go. 

I am going to venture out into the drizzle and see what the day brings.  No expectations. 

Hope you have a productive day with some fun mixed in there somewhere. 

Will catch you later. Sending you hugs. 

R xxxx🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🐸

[BreathofAir]

 

Daily symptoms and doses

 

Tuesday 25th June

 

Bed 9pm night before. 1mg Diazepam taken. Off to sleep ok.  No wake ups.

7.00am    Wake up. No cortisol or anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken. Mood ok. 

8.00am    Daughter to school (calm’

8.30am    Breakfast. Appetite ok

9.00am    1mg Diazepam taken 

9.30am    Dog walk. Household chores. 

10.00am  Gym.  Good workout. No anxiety or agitation from loud music or idiots messing about

11.30am  Escitalopram 7.5mg taken

12.00pm  Shopping (no anxiety)

1.00pm    Lunch. Appetite good. 

2.00pm    Home. Slight anxiety feeling. Relaxation and reading. Calmed.

3.00pm    Collected daughter from school. Got ready for party (slightly agitated, but controlled)

4.00pm    Children’s party. Socialised, happy, fun. No anxiety. Felt normal

7.00pm    Daughter bedtime. Calm 

8.00pm    Reading. Calm

 

[Dejavu]

I am so thrilled to read this! A window!! Yay, you!! Expect the symptoms to wax and wane for a bit, but you're on your way!! Keep that dose steady!! 

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel.

Had a better day thank you, saves you asking and not believing me

Really have had a better day, honest.

Have you had another good day?

I ask because looking back your symptoms have improved from last wednesday which I believe is when you began the change.

Ensure you keep your diary up to date because it seems possible that Alto is onto something (please do not tell her I said possible, she will have my whatsits as you call them).

I have read your post on my thread and will reply in due course.

I need you to stop underestimating yourself.

Throughout our correspondence it has become increasingly obvious you are a very intelligent person and now your job in the past has reinforced that fact.

My impression of you is formed by what you have done.

You fought your way out of a place I would never want to go with sheer determination and guts. You had a few wobbles but you are getting there.

Stop selling yourself short as of now and think about the future.

 

Sermon over.

 

God bless you.

 

Sasenach

[BreathofAir]

Daily diary of symptoms and doses

 

1mg Diazepam taken night before 9pm. Off to sleep ok. 

 

5.00am.     Wake up. No anxiety/cortisol. Back to sleep

7.00am.     Wake up. No anxiety/cortisol.  1mg  Lorazepam taken.  Mood ok. 

8.00am.     Got daughter ready for school. Breakfast. 

9.00am.     1 Diazepam taken. 

9.30am.     Household chores.  Anxiety spike.  (Mother ill and upset, very irritable)

10.00am.   Dog walk (mood dropped worrying about mother)

11.00am.   Shopping 

12.00pm.   7.5mg Lorazepam taken

12.30pm.   Lunch (upset, mood low)

1.30pm.     Shopping (calmer)

3.00pm.     Collected daughter from school

4.00pm.     Playing and reading with daughter. 

5.00pm.     Prepare dinner (anxiety spike, mother irritable - mood very low, crying)

6.00pm.     Dinner (anxiety spike - mother upset again)

6.30pm.     Dog walk with daughter (calming exercises)

7.00pm.     Daughter bedtime (calm, but low mood)

8.00pm.     Reading.  (Mood better, but anxious over family and effect on anxiety)

9.00pm.     1mg Diazepam taken. Bed. 

 

[BreathofAir]

Dear Sassenach, 

 

Once again, thank you for your lovely message. So very pleased you’ve had a better day and got a few things done. 😊😊😊

I’ve had a mixed day - most of it environmental anxiety from my mother being ill and very irritable and impatient with everyone. God, it’s hard. There’s just never any peace or consistency.  Really exercising my coping and calming skills.  Feel very bad and guilty and said she could go home if she would feel better there, but she insisted on staying.  I hate to see her upset and wish my tolerance for stress was much better.  Sometimes she is so vulnerable and childlike, it’s distressing.  She is lost without my father.  Just really wish my family as a whole gelled and pulled tightly together with unconditional love and compassion, but we don’t.  Sorry for being fed up, need a kick in the pants I think.  Had a nice walk with Snowey and my daughter in the evening sun, which was nice. 

 

Well hey ho, another day done. I shall wait to hear from you. I’ve been doing a bit of reading already. 

Off to bed now. Tomorrow WILL be better!!! 😊😊😊

Night. Night. Hope you sleep well. Bless you very much and keep healing. 

R xxxxxxxx

🐸🐾🕷🐸🐾🕷🐸🐾🕷🐸🐾🕷🐸🐾🕷🐸🐾🕷🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟🐠🐟

[Sassenach]

Good morning Yorkshire Bird ( male chauvinist, got to love em)

 

Your Escitalopram is missing from yesterday,s diary.

Not sure if you can edit now but if not put time a separate post.

Now it is your turn to tell me to mind it if you wish.

Does your mum have a physical illness, if so is it the same as your daughter had.

You said in a recent post that " she hates to be needed ". Could it be the other way round ie. she hates not to feel needed.

You describe your mum in the same way you referred to yourself at one point.

You do need to protect what you have gained and if necessary distance yourself from her to help you stay calm.

Very few families are as perfect as you describe but you could try and have a discussion with her as long as you are sure you can stay calm because it sounds as though she may not.

Please do not risk what you have gained, another few weeks and you will be able to be strong for everybody but you are still vulnerable now.

Apologies for any typos but got up early to write this, truth or lie?😈

Have a good one

 

Sassenach

[Songbird]

13 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I’ve had a mixed day - most of it environmental anxiety from my mother being ill and very irritable and impatient with everyone. God, it’s hard. There’s just never any peace or consistency.  Really exercising my coping and calming skills.  Feel very bad and guilty and said she could go home if she would feel better there, but she insisted on staying.  I hate to see her upset and wish my tolerance for stress was much better.  Sometimes she is so vulnerable and childlike, it’s distressing.  She is lost without my father.  Just really wish my family as a whole gelled and pulled tightly together with unconditional love and compassion, but we don’t.  Sorry for being fed up, need a kick in the pants I think.  Had a nice walk with Snowey and my daughter in the evening sun, which was nice. 

 

It must be hard with your mother being ill, but do your best to stay as calm as you can.  It sounds to me like you're doing a good job with your coping and calming skills.

 

14 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

12.00pm.   7.5mg Lorazepam taken

 

Did you mean escitalopram?  (Good spotting, Sassenach!)

[BreathofAir]

Dear Sassenach, 

 

Hope you are having another good day.  Thank you for spotting my Escitalopram mistake at 12pm. 

 

I am struggling very much so far today.  Have caught my mother’s virus and been up all night with a bad headache. Emotionally I am very down.  Thinking of the future is filling me with fear.  Yesterday my mother made my daughter cry and pulled her quite hard. It was awful. She apologised later and admitted she was too irritable to be here.  My husband came home very late and I’d spent the evening trying to reassure my daughter, who is just clinging to me at the moment.  My mother thinks I should leave my husband because he is too distant and switches off such a lot.  There is no stability here whatsoever.  

I don’t know how I’m ever going to get stable. I just want to feel safe and loved.  I am trying so hard to provide this for my daughter.  My mother says my expectations are too high and I shouldn’t need anyone. I know so many people do this on their own and I just don’t know how they do it.  I just want to fight for my daughter.  

 

Thank you for your kind words and care. Will catch you later. Need to go find my courage and strength again. 

Take care. Bless you. 

R xxxxxxx

🕷🐸🕷🐸🕷🐸😊🐸🕷🐟🐸🕷🐸🕷

 

 

[RichT]

hi Rachel,

 

Ouch, that sounds painful. Maybe there are times when it would be best for your mum not to be there. I am guessing her own past leads her to make the kind of statements she makes, but they aren’t helpful and they’re not true. Everybody needs support during wd.

 

At least this is a safe place for you to come, your feelings are welcome here.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

Sorry you are feeling ill, last thing you need.

I need a little time to digest the above.

You are understandably feeling low and we know it taints your view of things.

I believe everything you have said, and this is going to be difficult but can you clear your head, get calm and look at it again?

This all wrong for you but the way forward is not in the heat of the moment.

If you cannot do it now do not worry, look after your daughter and will chat later.

If you can keep your daughter close and away from mum.

Stay strong, stay calm, chat later.

 

 

Hugs

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Have had a horrible day.  My brain and body are just in chaos and so much pain. 

 

I never experienced crying and depression to the extent that is happening now.  Is this all withdrawal? 

 

I’ve had burning anxiety all day with limited function. My hormones have gone haywire with monthlies happening every two weeks. 

 

I am trying to follow a very strict routine, but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect.  I was hoping the Escitalopram would help level things out a little, but it’s just rapid waxing and waning, so I guess the withdrawal is winning out over everything I’m doing and the Escitalopram as well.   

 

I hope everyone else is doing much better.  

Congratulations on becoming a mentor Rich. That’s really wonderful with all your kind, encouraging words.  Sassenach, I’ve had another word with my mother. She is having time away soon, so hopefully that will help us all.  

 

Bless everyone. Keep healing. Sending hugs. 

R xxxxxxxxxxx

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Rachel

 

I do not think it is all withdrawal.

You have been improving consistently until this stress started again.

I get you cannot deal with this now but try and stay calm and quiet.

If your weather is as good as ours take snowey for a walk this evening.

Moyivation is difficult but you have proved before you can do it.

Apologies for spelling, doing tax returns has caused not fog but a pea souper.

Lots of hugs.

 

Sassenach

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

sorry to hear that. Emotional stresses and upsets are much worse in wd, I think - we just don’t have the resources to deal with them and we are very easily stressed out, speaking personally anyway.

 

You’ve had some good days, so you will have some more - you’re on the right path. You’re getting better in spite of your difficult circumstances, even if you don’t feel it at the moment.

 

warm wishes,

 

Rich

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Daily symptoms and doses

 

Thursday 27th June

 

5.00am     Awake. Bathroom. No cortisol. Back to sleep

7.00am.    Awake. Cortisol and anxiety. 1mg Lorazepam taken (mood low)

7.30am.    Breakfast

8.00am.    Daughter to school 

9.00am.    1mg Diazepam taken 

9.30am.    Dog walk

10.00am.  Friend visited. Gardening (mood low, anxiety high, crying)

12.00am.  7.5mg Escitalopram taken 

12.30pm.  Lunch (appetite ok)

1.00 - 5.00pm.  High anxiety, low mood, crying (family stressors)

6.00pm.    Dinner (appetite ok. Was able to eat with family)

7.00pm.    Dog walk (moderate anxiety)

7.30pm.    Daughter bedtime (anxiety calming)

8.00pm.    Reading (mildly anxious, ruminating about symptoms)

9.00pm.    Bed. 1mg Diazepam taken