BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[MikeysMum]

You are definitely NOT a coward BreathofAir. What you are experiencing is absolutely horrible. The irrational fears, anxiety etc let alone the physical symptoms are terrifying. However, this is withdrawal. It is real, it is terrifying but it will not last. Your brain/nervous system will heal. And all these symptoms actually mean that it is healing. Everything is re setting.  I have wished fervently that I could just admit myself to some clinic where they would knock me out and wake me when it's all over. But in reality our bodies have to go through this and for me adding more drugs to my system whilst I am managing to cope isn't reasonable . (Not saying this isn't reasonable for anyone else). I just keep telling myself that the 'real' me (I can barely remember who that is) is still there. Hang in there! You achieved much (above) which is great. Remember that your body may want to just crumble again and that's okay. Rest when you can. I think the most important thing I've learned is not to fight the symptoms which is really hard. The harder we fight, the more tense we become, the more stress, the harder it is on our bodies. I am not saying give up. But by saying something like 'hello WD here we are again. Yes, fear, I see you. Yes nausea I feel you. I know you are part of WD and I accept that. I know this won't be forever'. Take care and go gently. Be kind to you. Xxxxx P.S All the things I've learnt are from resources on this forum. This group has saved me from absolute despair.

[BreathofAir]

Cannot shut off adrenaline at all burning all night no sleep at all delirious nauseous rapid heart rate cannot get up

 

please can anyone advise anything to help adrenaline 

 

 

thank you everyone xxxxxx am exhausted and losing mind. Xxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

[Shep]

Are you able to take epsom salt baths, Breathofair? If you don't have any problems with magnesium, you may want to try taking an epsom salt bath and see if that helps with the agitation. 

[BreathofAir]

I am S to the point of doing it today

the physical and mental symptoms are too much

had terrible night with loss of bodily function control

no sleep, screaming, exhausted, begging husband for D

husband is a physician but is struggling to cope which I understand he has suggested beta blockers

 

cannot go on as symptoms so extreme and unrelenting 

this is so very very bad

 

adrenaline out of control, thumping heart, shakes, spasms, thrashes

 

i do not know which way to turn only to myself and my own hand

 

dont feel that anybody can help me and give any relief of this insane cycle

i have lost my mind and am starting to switch off and shut down

 

am so sorry thank you for your help xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

[Songbird]

4 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

please can anyone advise anything to help adrenaline 

 

On 4/30/2019 at 10:20 PM, Songbird said:

I'm sorry you're suffering so badly.  I've been through similar experiences, I understand how frightening it is.  Did you try the "Just Relax" video?  I was doing it three times a day and found it helped me a lot.

 

You didn't answer my question about whether you tried relaxation exercises, in particular the relaxing yoga video I mentioned.  It's what helped me to calm down the adrenaline.

[BreathofAir]

Physically extremely agitated thrashing and screaming today cannot tolerate.  Psychotic going to hospital    Xxx

 

 

[MikeysMum]

Really hope you get some relief BreathofAir xxxxx

[Songbird]

19 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Physically extremely agitated thrashing and screaming today cannot tolerate.  Psychotic going to hospital    Xxx

 

 

How are you, BreathofAir?  Did you go to hospital?  Please keep us updated.

[Altostrata]

Breath, I'm sorry, I'm still confused about what happened with diazepam and escilatopram. After you went off escilatopram in February 2018, did you get withdrawal symptoms? And then you went on to taper diazepam, you got withdrawal symptoms {"crashed") in June 2018, updosed to 2mg, then started tapering again in December, 2018?

 

From June, 2018-December, 2018, did you have any withdrawal symptoms?

 

It appears you are at least in benzo withdrawal, are you adverse to updosing diazepam a bit?

[BreathofAir]

Dear Alto, 

 

My last dose of Escitalopram was just over two weeks ago.  The akathisia and SI started just a few days after.  I have had regular symptoms each month, such as severe plunges into depression, since I started the Escitalopram.  I would then pick back up again after 7-10.  The plunges would coincide with the second week of my cycle, after my period had just finished

 

The Crisis Team are now involved with me because of my S attempt on Thursday afternoon.  

 

I am at home, but have deteriorated and am not coping at all.  I just want some relief. 

 

I don’t trust anyone around me, but I know they are trying to protect me.  

 

Nothing alleviates my symptoms for one minute. 

 

I have updosed my Diazepam again but just at night to 2mg.  I have been given a week of Zopiclone. 7.5mg.   I had to take this the past two nights to try to knock myself out. 

 

The Crisis team is talking about starting a different AD, but this will be at the say-so of the psychiatrist, who told them that I am not in withdrawal, this is uncontrolled anxiety from stopping the drugs.  

 

I feel like the only way out is S because of the extreme anxiety. 

 

I don't know whether to reinstate the Escitalopram and at what dose or start a different AD.  I have read about reinstating and I know it’s a crapshoot.   

 

I just need urgent help because of the risk of S, because I feel completely out of control. 

 

Bless you all for your help and kindness and time.   I am so sorry.  This is for my beloved daughter. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Hello anybody, 

 

I had to take an emergency Lorazepam today due to another impending S attempt.  The Crisis team are still involved, but no one can advise me on medication. 

 

I feel more desperate, hopeless and depressed as each day passes.  Everything triggers me, nothing brings peace. 

 

I don’t know whether to go up the Escitalopram or stay low for a few days. 

 

Never have I felt so depressed and scared and sad that my life is in this balance. 

 

Any words of advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.  Sending good wishes to everyone out there. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxx

[Sassenach]

Hi Breath

 

I am sorry you are having such a terrible time and I have only my own experience to go on.

I reinstated Escitalopram 8 weeks ago after cold turkey stupidity in December 2018.

Original dose 10mgs, reinstated 2.5mgs waited five days ( not long enough ) and updosed to 5mgs.

It takes at least four days for your brain to register the drug and a few more to work in your body.

It has worked for me thanks to the folk on this site and not the GPs.

I am now heading towards stabilisation.

I remember the blind panic of having no info and no idea of what the future would hold.

There are very few mods online at the moment but they will be along and they know what they are talking about.

I know you want instant relief but you need to be calm, write as much as you want on here because someone is always listening.

You can and will mend, our bodies and brains are incredibly strong but they need time.

Everyone here knows how you feel and will support you.

Stop saying you are sorry.

You did not do this to yourself.

 

Sassenach

 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Bless you so much for taking the time to write to me.  The kindness of strangers indeed. 

 

I am so pleased for you that your reinstatement is working.  That is wonderful.  How are you with everything that has gone on?

 

I have felt so lonely and desperate today.  I receive texts from friends, but I find them terribly triggering because I feel out in deep space right now whilst everyone I know is safe and well going about their normal lives.  

 

I cannot believe the Crisis team is having to visit me every day right now.  I stumble around the village in my pyjamas some days because my muscle spasms are so bad and getting dressed and undressed is difficult.  I feel that all my standards and dignity have gone🥴🥴🥴

 

I am also extremely frightened because I am juggling the updosing and stabilising of two drugs, which I know is not how it should be done. But I have no choice the anxiety and SI are so severe and I don’t have any other ways right now of stopping the S attempts.  

 

But thank you once again for shining your torch light out.  It means a lot to me. 

 

Sleep well tonight I hope, with continued healing.  I am not too far away from you. I wish the skies would clear. 

 

Take care, 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

[MikeysMum]

Hi BreathofAir. I have no wise words. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. It's a horrible, horrible thing to be going through. It probably means nothing at the moment but people do heal. One breath, one day at a time. Big hugs xxxxxxx

[Songbird]

9 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I am also extremely frightened because I am juggling the updosing and stabilising of two drugs

 

 

What are you taking at the moment and when?

[Sassenach]

Good morning Breath

 

If you live not far away their will be plenty of very fresh air outside.

I know you do not feel like it but do get dressed and go outside and look at the world, it is not that bad.

I remember the   feeling of wanting to hide and do nothing but I was lucky and S never came to me as an option.

I do remember feeling I do not have the energy but if I pushed myself a little it was and still is surprising how once you get going it  becomes easier.

Nature can be a great calming effect ( and trust me I am no Bill Oddy just a normal bloke )

You have to be patient for the next few days, you have followed Alto's suggestions.

You are also in capable hands, thank goodness for the NHS , it may not but perfect but the staff are great.

I feel for your husband to see you like this and be helpless must be torture.

For the next few days, hang in, one day at a time.

You can and will get better

 

Hugs

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Dear Songbird, 

 

i am taking 2.5mg of Escitalopram am (this will be my third day of it)

1.5mg of Diazepam 9.00 am and 9.00pm 

7.5mg Zopliclone 10pm

 

The only drug that has had any effect was yesterday when I took 1mg of Lorazepam to prevent a further S attempt because of the severe akathisia, burning body pains and extreme mental anxiety. 

 

Another terrible night, riddles with burning, rolling around alone in my room. 

 

It is my daughter’s birthday in four weeks.  She is going to lose me. I am so deeply depressed, anxious and exhausted. 

 

I have three remaining Lorazepam tablets left, from when I had them before.  My GP will not give me any more.  My husband wants me on a beta blocker, but this will not stop the symptoms.  He is insistent that I should not have drugs. 

 

He does not see that I am right at the end.  He drags me out of bed, forces porridge into me until I am nearly sick, then I go round and round in circles throughout the day, going more and more demented as time goes by. 

 

My mother shouts and glares at me through, stress, frustration and anger, I know.  She has no concept of akathisia and extreme anxiety. 

 

I am sorry to be so distressing.  These are the contents of my head.  No one has to read it. I just want a public record after I am gone.  I am not a selfish person, I love my daughter beyond anything.  

 

Thank you for all the wonderful help and support you have all given me,  This site and the wonderful love, dedication and determination shown is so very very precious.  

 

I can’t say any more, just thank you.  I feel so ill, so wasted, so empty.  I hope everyone who knows me can come to forgive me in time.  They will never understand, I am sure.  But the mental and physical suffering in me and of those around me, is too much to bear any longer. 

 

God bless everyone.  I am so deeply sorry. 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

[RichT]

Rachel,

 

Don’t do it! You can survive another day, and then tomorrow you can survive another day again. Just one day at a time. I know it is so so hard for you, but you can do it. Things will change.

 

Contact your crisis team right away!

 

sending you love and best wishes

 

Rich

[Maca44]

I always remind myself that when in the darkest moments I am so glad I didn't take any action because everytime, no matter how many times, I always come out of it and feel OK again. These moments of feeling OK remind me that taking any action when feeling crap would not be an answer. 

[Songbird]

Rachel, please get some in-person support where you are.  I've been there, I thought about the same things, thought I couldn't go on.  When things got better I was so glad I was still around.  Please have a look at this topic: For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal.  Call someone, get someone to be with you.  You've reinstated some escitalopram, but it's too soon yet to see what it will do.  It's possible it may help but you need to hang on, get through one day at a time.

 

[peng]

Love & best wishes to you, BreathofAir.

 

I remember the walking aimlessly around the living room and plunging my head into cushions trying to escape the torture of extreme anxiety.

However, that was over 30 years ago and I am still here, having survived further crises, but also having seen our three children grow up into adults who are contributing a lot to our country.  (OK, one is in Barcelona.)

Our grandchild of 5 is delightful beyond belief.  She is like the sun coming out whenever we see her.

You are not going to miss these things - what you have is survivable!

Please do what you can for yourself and everyone supporting you.

 

By the way, your mind is sharp as a tack.  Believe me - your composition of posts, punctuation, etc, is more perfect than most of us can achieve even when we are relatively well!

That is a good sign, yes?

[Shep]

3 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

i am taking 2.5mg of Escitalopram am (this will be my third day of it)

1.5mg of Diazepam 9.00 am and 9.00pm 

7.5mg Zopliclone 10pm

 

The only drug that has had any effect was yesterday when I took 1mg of Lorazepam to prevent a further S attempt because of the severe akathisia, burning body pains and extreme mental anxiety. 

 

Rachel, do you feel the Escitalopram reinstatement is making you worse? Did it ramp up the akathisia? 

 

This is temporary. Please see Songbird's link for finding on-the-ground support to get you through this crisis. 

 

Please let us know how you're doing. 

[BreathofAir]

Dear Shep, 

 

Thank you. I don’t think the akathisia and anxiety have altered their pattern since I crashed over two weeks ago after my last Escitalopram tablet. The full extent hit straight away with severe morning burning, anxiety, akathisia and panic attacks lasting all day.  

 

I cannot sleep at all day or night and when I lay down my body and head twitches sharply and I get flashes of heat and light behind the eyes.

 

I am in severe depression and cannot go out. 

 

The Diazepam is not touching the symptoms.  The 1mg Lorazepam calms the akathisia a little. 

 

The psychiatric hospital is taking me in later this afternoon.  The psychiatrists will be there.  I have told my doctor that I would like to go to a suicide clinic because my thoughts are so severe.  

I am fully aware of psychiatric hospitals and their protocols.  I do not want my family to see me as I have now become.  They must be protected.  Whatever happens to me, my husband and daughter need to be free to start again away from this hellish nightmare.

 

I feel all that has gone on for me these past few years has cut me down so much and taken a wrecking ball to my mental health and coping reserves.  I’ve gone over the edge and just when I thought I had managed to claim back some control, no, the claws snatched out to get me again. It won’t let me go, whatever it is. 

 

I am am so sorry everyone, I wish you all well. Bless you all in your hopefully speedy recoveries. 

 

Rachel. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Rachel I wish you well and cannot imagine how you feel.

 

Love

 

Sassenach

[Maca44]

How are things BOFA

[BreathofAir]

Thank you for your kind words. It means so very much.  I send you my best wishes for your continued recovery. 

 

I am back from a terrible overnight stay at the psych hospital.  Utterly exhausted and desperately clutching at yet more straws. 

 

The shining light was a very understanding and caring psychiatrist who spoke to me with such kindness and no vanity on his part. It at least gave me some hope that I wasn’t dealing with someone who just saw me as another drug guinea pig or hopeless case to consign to the dungeons and be forgotten. 

 

The plan is for me to increase the Escitalopram slowly back up to 10mg and try to stabilise with the support of the 2mg Diazepam and 1mg Lorazepam if and when the agitation gets out of control.  

 

I have truly screwed things up for myself to an extremely dangerous point and I am devastated.  I just want to get stable somehow and get as far away as possible from these suicidal feelings and ideas.

 

Just like everyone, I only wish I knew how long it will take my brain to get used to the Escitalopram again and if it will have any effect and lift me up, along with the therapies.  I am struggling with agoraphobia and severe noise sensitivity again so exercise is mostly indoors. 

 

I thank you again. I know I ramble emotionally.  Thinking of my precious daughter causes me huge pain and distress and I just want to be strong and more positive.  I hope the same for everyone. 

 

Bless you all, 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Maca44]

Sounds like a positive meeting with the psychiatrist, hope this is a turning point for you.    

[RichT]

Don’t blame yourself for anything, Rachel.

 

I’m glad you’ve found a compassionate psychiatrist. That will make a big difference.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

warmest wishes,

 

R

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

I hope you are feeling better today.

Like Rich T I am glad you have found someone you are comfortable with.

Is the psychiatrist continuing to monitor you as you increase the dose?

You are now under his care but please do not hesitate to come here if you simply need support or to chat as we are rooting for you.

You are obviously an intelligent and articulate lady so you can find your way back, it will take a while but you can get there.

 

Keep in touch

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Sass, Rich and Maca, 

 

Sending my best wishes to you all. 

 

I am so terrified and lonely.  My heart screams for my family.  It will be my daughter’s fifth birthday in four weeks and here is the only place I can say this:  Will I even be here?  If I am, what state will I be in? - drugged up on even more Benzos or something else?  I just keep looking at my husband and daughter and screaming to myself HOLD ON, but my mind is whirling me in and out of terrible scenarios.  I hate that I am so negative and pessimistic.  Having a child has made me so vulnerable. 

 

I am planning to hold at my reinstated dose of 5mg of Escitalopram for the next few days and 2mg Diazepam.  I had to take another 1mg Lorazepam today to stop myself going up the wall, so the Diazepam is not helping enough.

 

It is terrible firefighting, just trying to stay alive with the anxiety and depression just wanting to snuff me out. 

 

I am truly sorry I sound so desperate.  I’m just so scared how precarious things have become. 

 

Bless you all so much for keeping in touch. 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Altostrata]

I am glad you met a kind psychiatrist in the hospital. If I were you, I'd start with 1mg escilatopram in the liquid form. Do not ramp up until you see what it does, for a week or more. Believe it or not, 1mg may be enough.

 

Even though your care team will be eager to get you to a "therapeutic dose," please do not jump up in dosage. They probably don't understand your nervous system is bruised from withdrawal. Too high a dosage of escilatopram can irritate it more in a reaction called "kindling."

 

Let us know how you're doing. Please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms. You can post them in this topic with a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom, drug and dosage) on the right.

 

On 5/5/2019 at 9:20 AM, BreathofAir said:

My last dose of Escitalopram was just over two weeks ago.  The akathisia and SI started just a few days after.  I have had regular symptoms each month, such as severe plunges into depression, since I started the Escitalopram.  I would then pick back up again after 7-10.  The plunges would coincide with the second week of my cycle, after my period had just finished

 

The akathisia and SI starting just after you quit indicates you are suffering an acute withdrawal reaction.

 

Aside from your having acute withdrawal symptoms now, your symptom pattern while you were on Lexapro indicates you have a hormonal issue that does not respond to an antidepressant because, duh, it's related to your female hormones, not a mood disorder.

 

Please stop being afraid of those bizarre thoughts. You are not losing your mind, they are coming from injured neurons misbehaving. You are not your symptoms, even a vivid thought of suicide does not mean you have to do anything about it. Let them pass like storm clouds blowing across the sky.

 

As you are recovering from acute withdrawal, you may have waves of weird symptoms. We see this all the time. Learning to breathe through terrifying thoughts and sensations of terror is an invaluable skill. See Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system
 
Mindfulness and Acceptance
 
Good links for anxiety/worry

Inhabiting our bodies in meditation http://wp.me/p5nnb-aSX

Meditation can heal the brain which can heal the mind and body

Mindfulness, Meditation, and Prayer After Brain Injury

Pranayama Breathing for Anxiety and Depression

 

and read

 

Neuro-emotion

 

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism
 
Sudden fear, terror, panic, or anxiety from withdrawal

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Withdrawal causing intrusive or repetitive thoughts, rumination, and increased panic?

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Alto for your detailed post. 

 

The team ramped me up to 5mg two days ago.  What should I do, go back down to 1mg? 

 

What a cluster mess.  I feel that I am completely out of control with my regimen now.  The updose of Diazepam did not do anything for my anxiety and the only thing that has any effect so far on the severe suicidal thoughts is the Lorazepam, which I was adamant I would not go back on.  

 

I feel as though the depression and anxiety are rapidly spiralling each day and I am clinging to the awful Lorazepam to prevent suicide.  

 

I just don’t know what else to do as I am severely agitated to self sooth.  I’m exhausted. 

 

But thank you so much for taking the time for me.  Bless you. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

[RichT]

37 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Thank you Sass, Rich and Maca, 

 

Sending my best wishes to you all. 

 

I am so terrified and lonely.  My heart screams for my family.  It will be my daughter’s fifth birthday in four weeks and here is the only place I can say this:  Will I even be here?  If I am, what state will I be in? - drugged up on even more Benzos or something else?  I just keep looking at my husband and daughter and screaming to myself HOLD ON, but my mind is whirling me in and out of terrible scenarios.  I hate that I am so negative and pessimistic.  Having a child has made me so vulnerable. 

 

I am planning to hold at my reinstated dose of 5mg of Escitalopram for the next few days and 2mg Diazepam.  I had to take another 1mg Lorazepam today to stop myself going up the wall, so the Diazepam is not helping enough.

 

It is terrible firefighting, just trying to stay alive with the anxiety and depression just wanting to snuff me out. 

 

I am truly sorry I sound so desperate.  I’m just so scared how precarious things have become. 

 

Bless you all so much for keeping in touch. 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Yes, you’ll be here! You just have to get through each day one at a time. That’s a much easier thing to target than getting through a month! You can definitely do it. I remember the feeling of precariousness, and looking back I can see that for me it was part of the negative mindset I was in. It may be the same for you rather than being the reality of the situation. 

 

Rich

[RichT]

10 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Thank you Alto for your detailed post. 

 

The team ramped me up to 5mg two days ago.  What should I do, go back down to 1mg? 

 

What a cluster mess.  I feel that I am completely out of control with my regimen now.  The updose of Diazepam did not do anything for my anxiety and the only thing that has any effect so far on the severe suicidal thoughts is the Lorazepam, which I was adamant I would not go back on.  

 

I feel as though the depression and anxiety are rapidly spiralling each day and I am clinging to the awful Lorazepam to prevent suicide.  

 

I just don’t know what else to do as I am severely agitated to self sooth.  I’m exhausted. 

 

But thank you so much for taking the time for me.  Bless you. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

When I was feeling exhausted, one thing I could still do was breathing exercises. They could be worth a try. Also shutting my eyes and paying attention to the sounds around me gave me some relief. 

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Rich, 

 

I am really struggling not to pace and thrash about a lot of the time, even on 1mg Lorazepam.  I have always somatised my anxiety.  At the moment the anxiety has full control of my body and brain. It’s a daily battle, like I am possessed or something. 🤯

 

I see similarities in some of our meds.  Well done for phasing out the Clonaz.  I am so distraught I’ve gone from 0.25mg Diaz to 1mg Lorazepam.  Two years’ of work down the pipe. Blast this insidious anxiety and blast the drugs that won’t let us go. 

 

How are you feeling yourself? 

Xxxxxxxx

[RichT]

9 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Thank you Rich, 

 

I am really struggling not to pace and thrash about a lot of the time, even on 1mg Lorazepam.  I have always somatised my anxiety.  At the moment the anxiety has full control of my body and brain. It’s a daily battle, like I am possessed or something. 🤯

 

I see similarities in some of our meds.  Well done for phasing out the Clonaz.  I am so distraught I’ve gone from 0.25mg Diaz to 1mg Lorazepam.  Two years’ of work down the pipe. Blast this insidious anxiety and blast the drugs that won’t let us go. 

 

How are you feeling yourself? 

Xxxxxxxx

 

I’m doing ok, thanks! 

 

I’m convinced you will be ok - something about the way you write tells me that you’re not going to let this beat you.

 

R