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BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

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BreathofAir

Hi Sassenach, 

 

It felt better to take the Zopiclone earlier, but my sleep is not getting better.  Thank you for asking though.  I have been out just below the Northumbrian borders today in the rain, but spent most of the day crying to my poor husband.  Unfortunately the situational depression is severe at the moment.  But my husband is committed to keeping me motivated.  He said he won’t ever let go of my hand.  What a dreadful life I am giving him.  But I will keep trying.  My psychiatrist has given me mental exercises to do to occupy both hemispheres of my brain.  This involves repetitive cleaning of the floors with both hands.  So that was my Saturday evening.  And the other highlight of my day was trapping myself in a public toilet by twisting the door handle off the wrong way.  It’s all good fun isn’t it? 

 

Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you sleep well and peacefully and keep healing. Bless you. 

Goodnight.

R xxxxxx

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BreathofAir

Thank you again @Dejavu

 

I read your message over again. We sound very similar.  I am sorry you are struggling physically.  It takes everything we have,  I have lost over 25lbs in a month and am forcing food down. The nausea is terrible.  You are only in your fifties so physically there is no reason you can’t recover.  It is your brain playing the usual tricks.  My friend in his seventies cold turkey Ed Venlafaxine and other meds and he is going strong.  

 

Like you said, I am terrified that my dose isn’t high enough to knock the severe anxiety and depression out.  It is so so much worse than when I first took the medication.  I wasn’t even depressed at all.  Also I don’t feel the Lorazepam 1mg is doing enough, but I am angry with myself for increasing the benzo when I’d got down to .15mg Diazepam.   I am just a bag full of terror really. 

 

I am am glad you are feeling stronger and learning about hope and rational perspective.  I am not in that position right now unfortunately, but I will follow your wise advice. 

 

You are so very kind and thoughtful.  Likewise, I am always here too, whatever I can offer in return. 

Bless you and may you sleep well and heal well. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Sassenach

Good Morning Rachel.

 

Your alarm call.

 

Same pills, same time, same dose.

Are you keeping your diary to help the mods now your meds are settled.

Pity is was raining used to spend a lot of time in Hexham, Berwick and of course Holy Island.

What are the hills called just a few miles inland from the coast?

It is great that you are interacting with your husband in a positive way, two are stronger than one.

And now drum roll please Rachel BoA has a sense of humour.

Great story about the toilet door and you used the word fun.

Have faith in yourself because something/s is working so really important to stick to doses and times.

I am not religious but I wish a little extra peace this Sunday, the start of a new week of getting better

You will have the shiniest floors in Northumberland.🤣

You mentioned colouring pencils, what do you draw/sketch?

 

Have a good one

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

Good morning to you Sassenach, 

 

My alarm calls have been going off erroneously all through the night!  The time between laying my head down on the pillow and the Zopiclone doing its best to pull me under is the only slight relief I feel in the whole day.  And yes, buried somewhere deep down, there is a good, dark, sense of humour waiting to burst out again.  

 

I am not particularly religious either, but I would describe myself as spiritual under normal circumstances.  When I returned back to the UK from Canada eighteen months ago, I took up bell ringing in our local churches.  The village where I live has a beautiful Norman church, but it doesn’t have a full set of bells, unlike the next village, where I mostly ring on their eight bells.  I was still heavily medicated when we returned and I was surprised I could manage to learn something I considered so complicated.  I don’t have a sequential mind or very good rhythm, but I do have an ear, so somehow I managed to make progress and was finally allowed to ring at weddings, which was a wonderful privilege.  For the WWI one hundred years remembrance we half muffled the bells, so you would only hear half the peal; the other half being an unearthly echo.  It was extremely moving and like nothing I had felt before.  Neither of my great grandfathers returned from the front, so both grandmothers were left to raise seven children each.  I truly believe that people were made of difference stuff back then. 

 

At the moment I am unable to ring, but I can hear them across the river and it’s a source of some distress to me at the moment, I have to admit.  I don’t know how much of your usual activities you are able to enjoy, but I am still unable to read my usual books, watch anything or engage in conversations for very long.  Did you find this yourself, or not? 

 

Regarding your Escitalopram dose, do you feel it’s enough? I am going to have to look at my regimen very soon because I can’t remain on the Zopiclone or Lorazepam for much longer. It is just so complicated and frightening.  

 

But anyway, I hope the sun has found its way to you and you have a lovely Sunday. I have more of the wonderful cleaning exercises lined up!

 

Sending you my best wishes for the day. 

R xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

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bubble
Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

can’t remain on the Zopiclone or Lorazepam for much longer

 

Please don't worry about these drugs at the moment. And don't feel guilty for taking them. They are helping. You need anything that helps to get stronger. Then you will deal with it. It's harm reduction approach. At the moment it's lesser of the two evils. 

 

I know it is very hard but try not to compare yourself to your usual functioning and focusing on things you can't do. You are very hard on yourself and have high expectations. This is not the time to worry about other people. Maybe that's the lesson you need to learn: put yourself first and be kind and compassionate with yourself. When I'm distressed and deal with lots of anxiety and fear I find lots of comfort in the soothing voice of Tara Brach. Usually I don't make it to the end of her talks and drift into sleep. I like this one in particular: 

 

Edited by bubble

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BreathofAir

Thank you Bubble, 

 

My doctor will not keep me on either the Lorazepam or Zopiclone for much longer.  

 

Although the Zopiclone makes me fall asleep, I am awake most of the night.  At first light my anxiety is severe and this is why I have started using the Lorazepam. 

 

I remain mentally agitated, suicidal and now am extremely depressed, crying constantly.  

 

Whilst I do not feel the Escitalopram has made things worse, I don’t feel the dose of 5mg is enough.  I cannot hold myself up on increased benzo use because I will become even more depressed, if that is possible. 

 

I fully understand I have been advised here to stay where I am, but I am VERY concerned with the escalation of depression. 

 

I know it is impossible to be sure, but I am very unhappy to rely on the benzos and keep increasing them because my depression is agitating my anxiety even worse. 

 

I hope I do not anger or offend anyone.  I am trying to think of a plan because the one I am on now does not feel right. 

 

Saturday 18th May

 

(Took 7.5mg and 1mg Diazepam 9pm Friday night 17th May)

Anxiety and depression 5/10

Fell asleep, no burning anxiety

Awoke around midnight 

Drifting in and out, odd dreams, waking every hour

7.00am    Awoke with burning anxiety in body and arms

                 1mg Diazepam

                 1mg Lorazepam 

 

Laid in bed for half an hour, deep breathing 

7.30am     Got up, helped get daughter ready for swimming, had shower, got     ready, ate bowl of porridge, cleaned, sorted washing. Back in bedroom to calm down.  Food is a huge problem, causes severe anxiety spikes.

9.30am     5mg Escitalopram 

10.30am   Feeling upset and agitated, daughter leaving to stay with friends. 

11.30am    Back in bedroom no motivation to do anything. Depression sinking      over me, as usual. Tearful very suicidal, hopeless.

12.00         Husband drove me in the car to take the dog for a walk. 

13.00         Nausea and dry retching started in restaurant.  Increased anxiety.    Managed to eat small portion of food.  Walked by river for minutes. Very depressed, agitated and suicidal while walking, looking at deep water.

15.00         Anxiety very high in the car, started crying thinking of everything I can’t do. Missing my daughter. Frightened to go home. Frightened of food.

16.00         Back home distracting with household chores, cleaning exercises.

17.00          Evening meal force food down. Nausea and heaving.  Very depressed and anxiety high.

18.00         Crying, pacing around house. Trying to sit and colour mindfully.

20.00         Relaxation exercises, trying to read, but struggle

21.00          Take Diaz 1mg. Lay on bed and body scan. Frightened of sleep,   Groundhog Day tomorrow. Suicidal thoughts high. 

21.30           Take Zopiclone 7.5mg. 

11.00.           Awake every hour, drift in and out until first light. Room is dark, but birds singing.  Anxiety starts to burn. Cycle starts again. 

 

My days have followed this pattern of symptoms for some time now for over a week.  The depression and crying is constant.  

 

Xxxxxxx

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BreathofAir

Terrible terrible day.  The SI is so strong.  I can’t stand it. X

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Sassenach

Rachel

Below is a quote from Dejavu.

 

Then I got really impatient and made four more dose changes (both up and down) plus a quick 3 day conversion to liquid - all this in 4 months. I was never able to stabilize and spent all that time in the same mental, emotional and physical torment you're in now, until the mods were finally able to get through to my stubborn a** to pick a dose and sit still on it.

 

Why are so determined to change your dosages?

Has your GP said he wants you off these meds?

The mods need you remain steady to help them.

I am pretty sure that you are the only one who does not see an improvement.

If you are looking for the Holy Grail there is no quick fix but there is slow and steady improvement.

To answer your question my reinstatement to 5mgs from my original 10mgs is enough, but that was 10 weeks ago not 10 days.

You have so much support including your husband.

Hang in there and stop being so hard on yourself, you are doing far more than you were a week ago.

 

Strength from the better side of the border.

 

 

Sassenach

 

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Dejavu

Please hang on. Maybe ask one of the mods to weigh in. @Altostrata @Carmie @eymen23 @ChessieCat @Songbird and/or @brassmonkey? Do any of you have advice or suggestion here?

 

As for your fear of food, can you just commit to at least drinking 3 nutritional supplement drinks daily? Here in the states, they are called Ensure; not sure what the UK equivalent is called. But I know you can live off them for quite a while. When my mom was ill and could not eat, 3 supplement drinks a day kept us from having to put in a feeding tube. This may take away some of the anxiety about food. Then slowly, as you begin to feel better, you can add in solid food without being pressured to do so. Also when you're not forcing yourself to eat, you will probably find you feel hungrier. Eliminating one source of anxiety at a time will pay dividends down the road.

 

I am so very sorry you're suffering like this right now, but it won't be this way forever. Please hang on and let one of the mods weigh in, and when they do, please answer every single question they ask fully. They have reasons for asking the questions they ask and their advice will depend solely on the answers you give, so please try and focus. I know it's hard in your present condition, but do your best. The people here care about you and what you are going through. Please do not seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Hang in there!!

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RichT

Hi Rachel, sorry to hear you’re suffering so.

 

Hang in there! 

 

If the zopiclone is making a difference, you might be able to persuade your psychiatrist to let you keep having it for longer than you think. I was able to do that.

 

It’s great that you are able to do body scans and mindful colouring. They will be making a difference even if you can’t feel it.

 

I found this information about ‘complete meal’ nutritional supplements:

 

‘These products contain the nutrients to replace a meal. Your doctor, GP or dietitian can prescribe them. A district nurse or specialist nurse can help arrange a prescription for you.

It's possible to buy them yourself but they are expensive. If you use them you should be monitored by your doctor or dietitian. These supplements come as a liquid in a carton or bottle, and are either milkshake style or fruit juice style.

Some examples of milk based supplements
  • Ensure Plus
  • Fresubin Energy
  • Fortisip
  • Resource shake
  • Ensure Plus Yoghurt Style
  • Fortifresh Yoghurt Style
  • Clinutren
Some examples of fruit based supplements
  • Ensure Plus Juce
  • Fortijuce
  • Clinutren Fruit
  • Resource Fruit
  • Provide Xtra’

 

Keep going, you will get better 

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

 

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Dejavu

How are you doing, Rachel? Thinking of you and hoping you get some relief. 

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BreathofAir

Hi Dejavu, 

 

I’m not so good, but thank you for asking.  How are you doing? 

 

Rxxxxxxxx

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

How are you feeling today?

Have you been keeping a diary for the mods?

Final question, do you recognise this quote "  Do not let your anxious mind stop you from recognising the progress. "

Great advise don't you think?

You had a good weekend, keep going.

 

Sassenach

 

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BreathofAir

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Thank you for asking.  I managed some time out in the garden today and my neighbour visited.  I woke up in terrible pain this morning and it did not start the day off well.  The morning anxiety and stinging/burning from the adrenaline or cortisol is so severe.  It takes me so long to get myself upright and able to get to the bathroom.  It’s so ridiculous.  

 

To answer your previous questions my doctor does not want me off the Escitalopram, he just wants my mood up and away from the severe SI and agitation, but he knows slowly is best.  Because I am having to use the benzos again to cope with the anxiety symptoms, it is me who wanted to increase the Escitalopram.  It is hard juggling and I know I am on a very precarious tightrope.  The insomnia and use of Zopiclone is also weighing heavily, but what else can I do when I am lying there burning with anxiety? 

 

Yes, I recognise the quote, but I don’t feel I can apply it to myself yet when I’m not sleeping, eating and am pacing and crying all the time with such low feelings and coping abilities.  I guess I need a large dose of Scotch courage. 

 

But anyway, how are things with you? If you don’t mind me asking were your symptoms mostly depression? I apologise if you don’t wish to answer. 

 

Thank you again for your care and concern. Keep healing. 

R. Xxxx

 

 

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BreathofAir

Hi @RichT

 

How are you doing? I just wanted to thank you so much for your thoughtful suggestions.  I got some delivered today so hopefully they will help.  You are very kind. Are you able to prepare food for yourself? I miss being able to do that. My husband makes nice porridge and I am thankful I can manage to eat that at least. 

 

I hope you are well and continuing to heal. Bless you for your kind efforts. Sleep well. 

 

R xxxxxx

 

 

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

I had to sleep this pm, awoke feeling nauseous and disoriented, then yook me half an hour to come round.

All part of getting better.

As usual you are putting yourself down, you are doing well even if you do not feel it.

 

Got to go so will reply properly tomorrow.

 

Sleep as well as you can.

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

All I am doing is weeping for my daughter.  Why does every aspect of this withdrawal or reinstatement have to be so crushingly painful?  It is ripping me to pieces.  It takes everything.  I can hardly look at or touch my daughter and it is utterly killing me. 

 

D*mn you to H*ll withdrawal, anxiety and SI depression. 

 

I wish I could stop this dreadful weeping and aching.  I lost a baby years ago and never thought I would have another chance. 

 

Why is life so wretchedly cruel?  Please give me strength.  

 

xxxxxxxxxx

 

 

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BreathofAir

Thank you Sassenach, 

 

Not feeling so good. Venting.  Sleep well too. 

 

Xxxxxxxx

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Sassenach

Rachel

 

Venting is fine and I am so sorry, little wonder you are having such a hard time.

But you do have the strength.

I have to ask. Does your psychiatrist know about your loss?

Please calm down between now and bedtime to help you sleep.

 

Lots of love

 

Sassenach

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RichT
16 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

All I am doing is weeping for my daughter.  Why does every aspect of this withdrawal or reinstatement have to be so crushingly painful?  It is ripping me to pieces.  It takes everything.  I can hardly look at or touch my daughter and it is utterly killing me. 

 

D*mn you to H*ll withdrawal, anxiety and SI depression. 

 

I wish I could stop this dreadful weeping and aching.  I lost a baby years ago and never thought I would have another chance. 

 

Why is life so wretchedly cruel?  Please give me strength.  

 

xxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

Hi Rachel,

 

This must be so hard for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Don't worry, you're not going to lose your daughter. You will get better and then your relationship with her will fall back into place. 

 

Try not to blame yourself, you did not choose this.

 

I'm doing ok, a small wave at the moment but it's manageable.

 

I hope the supplements help!

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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Sassenach

Rachel

 

Does your psychiatrist know?

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BreathofAir

Yes.  The kindest doctor I saw was in Canada in the ER.  I haven’t forgotten his face or how he knew what to say, and meant it. 

 

Truly dreadful things happen to everyone, I know. Sometimes it’s a struggle to get back up if there are too many things at once, or something is just too overwhelming. 

 

I find it hard to give all of myself now, but I have done with my daughter, unconditionally.  I thought I had developed a shell after all these years, but having my daughter has made me so vulnerable.  She came along against all the odds and made everything wonderful and exciting after so much grief that I thought then would kill me.  

 

This that I feel now has truly frightened me because of the speed that it has taken me to such a low depth and the combination of physical and mental malfunctioning.  It doesn’t seem a part of real life, somewhere that’s beyond your comprehension.  

 

Words cannot adequately convey how grateful I am that you keep writing and that I can howl like I am doing into the ether.  My mother taught us that pain should be suffered in silence and private, but I have to make a sound right now just to keep going. 

 

Thank you for understanding. Sleep peacefully and heal well. 

R xxxxxxxxx

 

 

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BreathofAir

@RichT

 

I am very sorry you are having a wave.  I am here any time for a listening ear or advice in return, even though I seem needy and useless. Sending you positive thought waves and strength. Bless you.  Sleep well won’t you. 

 

R xxxxx 

 

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Dejavu

Rachel, I struggled mightily in the beginning with insomnia, super high anxiety, especially in the morning, and cortisol spikes. I was beyond petrified. The good news is that it all started to improve and completely faded away after about 6 weeks. First I started sleeping slightly better, then the morning cortisol spikes stopped, then finally the morning anxiety went. I've gotten morning anxiety maybe twice since then but its nothing - maybe a 2-3 on a scale of 10, and it passes very quickly. I found that as my nervous system started to calm down, these things were the first to pass. These days, I get between 7 - 9 hours of sleep a night. I do use magnesuim glycinate and 1 mg of melatonin nightly, and have for about 5 months now. I think this has made a positive difference in my sleep. 

 

 Relief for you may be right around the corner if you just sit still on your dosages, and try your very best to stay as calm as possible. I also really recommend sleep hypnosis audios. You Tube has tons of them and they are all a little different. Find some that suit you. I have one that is so effective for me, I've still not heard the last two-thirds of it because I fall asleep before its over. You Tube also has guided meditations on self love and forgiveness. Please look into those as well. They could really help you get through this and actually recover more quickly.

 

Thank you for asking about me. I'm doing pretty well, improving although still in a wave at the moment. I never got any significant windows until I sat still on one dose for about 6 weeks. My biggest issue at the moment is dizziness which causes visual issues. It doesnt completely go away but seems to be slowly improving. I think I'm on my way into a window today. I sure hope so.

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BreathofAir

Thank you Dejavu, 

 

I am so glad you are doing well, apart from the annoying dizziness. I will say a prayer for it to settle.  You are so very kind. 

 

I think I am in such a messy situation because I’m also juggling benzos and you did so well to avoid them.  I’d almost tapered off the Diazepam and now I am back up at over 10mg.  I am so upset with myself, but the anxiety and SI has been impossible to cope with.  I am so frightened that I won’t stabilise and will end up polydrugged worse than now, just to keep me alive.  I know I need to get a grip, I really do.  But the anxiety has blown any rational thoughts out of my head.  

 

You have done so well to get through and you deserve it.  I hope you can get your dizziness under control.  It’s not the Melatonin is it or did you have it from the start? 

 

Thank you for being you and the things you say.  You understand things so well and apply them in a way I appreciate.  

I pray for improvement, but I realise I must dig deep and work hard every day. 

 

Night is falling here and all I can think of is Groundhog Day, as everyone says. I wish we could have it hypnotised all away. 

 

Bless you and keep healing.  Sleep tight. 

R xxxxxxxx

 

 

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Dejavu

Rachel, I did not avoid benzos. The only reason I'm on zoloft at all was to "help" with benzo withdrawal. Gee, thanks, doc!!

 

I had a lot of losses and external stressors in 2016, and had my first panic attack one day. I didn't know what was wrong, so I went to the ER (A&E to you!).  There the doctor gave me 90 ativan tablets and told me to take 3 a day then stop. Well, you can imagine what happened after I took the last one. Went in panic to my GP, who put me on Effexor and switched me to a lower dose of Xanax only once a day. Effexor made me so very sick, so I quit after 2 days. Then I started having interdose wd from not enough xanax. I was in terrible shape. The panic was unbelievable. My doc washed his hands of me and I found a pdoc who cold switched me to klonopin, updosed me to 3mg a day and added zoloft. I stabilized after about 6 months then started tapering the klonopin. After a 15 month taper, I jumped with almost no acute and with no protracted at all. The pdoc then told me zoloft was "gentle" and I could just stop it. Again, all hell broke loose, and here I am, much worse off this time. But in spite of it all, I'm still seeing slow improvement. And so will you.

 

I tell you all this to let you know that I was in straight up misery, 24x7, just like you are now. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for death, and desperation led me to trying all sorts of things, like changing my dose, which made it worse. I too, felt like I turned my back on my kids. I have 3 daughters and 8 grandchildren, and I had to cancel Christmas. No presents, no tree, no dinner, no stockings - nothing! I was bedridden and just hearing their sweet voices filled me with such guilt and panic. I had just lost my mother and my sister and the horrible grief I was suffering was intensified by withdrawal to almost unbearable agony and SI. But I'm still here. Improving and healing every day. Not nearly as fast as I'd like - a few false starts along the way - but the general trend is upward. It will be for you, too.

 

I hope you don't think I'm hijacking your thread and making it all about me. I just see so many similarities in our respective situations and I want to keep reminding you that if you sit still and wait it out (which seems impossible when you're so miserable, I know), your brain will reestablish homeostasis, and your symptoms will begin to abate. So please don't seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you can keep the SI under control, I know you will be okay. Your child needs you, and you will be able to mother her again very soon. This is not permanent, and it's not your fault, Rachel. It's not. 

 

I urge you to check out those sleep meditation audios. It may sound unlikely, but I got some real help with them. If you could get a few more hours of sleep, and not worry so much about eating, the reduced stress will lower your overall anxiety and help your brain heal that much faster. I'm here for you.

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planifolia

Hi BreathofAir, thanks for your post on my introduction. It has indeed been a while, I have been having a very difficult time and have been trying to keep myself from the forums as much as possible but I have been snooping on your progress here and there and you have been in my thoughts.

 

I just want to tell you that everything's okay. If you look at me and Dejavu's journey so far, as long as we perservere a break, a window and progress is always just around the corner. Every moment, hour, and day you endure is a chance for something to change, and for for healing/stabalization to take place. 

 

Don't let the withdrawal mind's catastrophic thought overwhelm you and make you despair, it is very good at doing that. Hope on to hope!

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Sassenach

Good morning Rachel

I hope you slept a little better. You are not needy and useless.

You have been out walking out for a meal cleaned the floors done the washing. You will not doing any of that a couple of weeks ago. You are spending time with your husband and talking to him again you are not doing that a few weeks ago.

Today is do not blame Rachel day.

If you can do that I will tell you my story.

Only my wife knows now .

Have a better day .

 

Sassenach

 

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Sassenach

Were not doing any of that

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Sassenach

Rachel I forgot to say I had no cortisone problems when I woke this morning I just got straight out of bed and up and about it was great it will probably come back tomorrow but it means sooner or later I will be free of it bye

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Songbird

It was good to see you mentioned doing some relaxation exercises.  It's best to do them every day as the effect is cumulative.  I'm also a fan of sleep hypnosis recordings, as they helped me to sleep when I had extreme insomnia. 

 

Someone mentioned Ensure and Fortisip above - I actually lived on those for a while when I couldn't eat anything else.  If you are able to eat porridge, that's great.

 

Please try not to worry about your relationship with your daughter.  I went through a terrible crash just after my daughter had started school.  Later she didn't remember me being "sick" at all. 

 

Also, try not to get anxious about using benzos or z-drugs - I've used zopiclone myself at times when trying to stabilise.  Slow tapers can be done later when the time is right.  The important thing now is to stabilise and that means consistent dosing and time.  Please don't be so hard on yourself. 

 

When I was terrified of not stabilising, I repeated positive affirmations to myself over and over like a stuck record, about how my updose was working and I would feel better and better, which helped replace the anxiety-provoking fearful thoughts.  I recommend this technique, it helped to calm things down.  

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

Hope you have had a better day today.

Apologies for the state of messages this morning.

I used the voice recognition software and I don't thick my dictation skills are what they were. Mind, neither is anything else🤣

When you get to my age most of my bits would not pass an MOT.

Sleep well tonight and stay calm.

You are on your way and every day is one closer to the end.

 

Stay strong

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

Hi Sassenach, 

 

How are you doing?  I hope you have had a good day. 

 

I managed a walk in the park and have spent some time with my mother this afternoon.  Still very tearful and just trying to do bits and pieces and slot in where I can.  Just finding all aspects of life very fast and painful and trying to constantly adjust.  I guess that’s very common. 

 

I hope you are managing to find things that you enjoy.  I would be more inclined to blame the technology than yourself.  I had the pleasure of using it at work and recall my boss smashing the machine across the office one time in a massive rage. 

 

Hope you sleep well and continue onwards and upwards. Bless you and stay strong too. 

 

Rachel 

xxxxxxxxx

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BreathofAir

Dear @Dejavu

 

I really hope you are doing well today. 

 

Thank you for your lovely message. I had forgotten that your journey started with benzos.  No you are not hijacking my thread at all. I greatly appreciate that you take the time to write and the reassurance and support you offer. 

 

I lost my father and sister in a similar timeframe and prior to that my mother and two close friends had cancer.  My husband and I thought that a break away from the UK would be a good idea, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I don’t know what possessed us to run away like that with a young baby when what we needed was stability, friends and family.  

 

Everything you have written I feel - the desperation and impatience is so difficult. I tried very hard today to really engage with everyone and I could feel the anxiety boiling up and over like a pressure cooker.  My daughter got upset about something small and I ended up on my bed in tears howling that I couldn’t deal with it and comfort her.  It reminded me what you wrote about a door being left ajar taking on huge significance.  You said it so well.  It is like Alice in Wonderland.  Everything about withdrawal and stabilisation is just so perverse, if that is an appropriate word.  It’s just plain ugly - a multiple-headed serpent. 

 

I think you are doing well given everything you have gone through and you have a strong spirit.  The cortisol mornings are absolutely dreadful, especially after tossing and turning all night. It takes a lot to say every morning, ok, I’m still here again, better get on with doing what little I can. Such a nightmare! 

 

I am so very glad that you are continuing upwards. It gives me hope, if I can just level on the Escitalopram and not have to lean so heavily on the Lorazepam and Zopiclone. 

 

Bless you so much. Hope you sleep peacefully and keep healing. I am here for you too. 

Goodnight xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

you've been hit with a whole series of adverse life events, it must have been very difficult dealing with them. I’m glad Dejavu’s story is giving you hope!

 

R

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BreathofAir

Hi @planifolia,

 

It was very good to hear from you again.  I know your journey is up and down.  Have you got any further medical appointments coming up?  

 

Are you able to tell me what you felt like when you were taking 20mg Lexapro?   I know it crushed my panic, which was a blessing, and I was able to sleep, but it made me quite wired and sometimes disinhibited and I did eat like a huge beast.  Now all that weight has been flushed off again and it is back to the dreadful powdery meal shakes and shuffling about on stick legs. 🤢

 

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and support.  I extend the same to you and my thoughts are with you. 

 

I will pray for a huge surge in your recovery - it is time for the pendulum to swing back the other way! 

 

Bless you and it is so good that you sleep so that the healing can take place. 

 

Hope you are sleeping well and peacefully my friend and your brain is working away settling itself down. 

 

R Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

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