BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[BreathofAir]

Hi @RichT

 

How are you doing?

 

I should not be shining the naughty screen light in my face at this time I know, but I just wanted to catch up with everyone.  All this sleep hygiene business just makes me more agitated.  Fussing with the stupid curtains, trying to block every sliver of light out, getting the covers and pillows right, lining up my water and tablets.  It just sucks !!!!   There are people all over the world stuffing their faces with pizza, chocolates and goodness knows what else right now sprawled on their beds watching Netflix and I feel like some kind of biomedical technician cruising my room for morning cortisol triggers. Arrghhh!

 

Sorry, I don’t wish to mess up your nighttime chi.  I just can’t seem to put a lid on getting cross. 

 

I hope you are well and comfortably settled for a peaceful and healing sleep. Thank you for keeping in touch. I really appreciate it. 

 

Goodnight. 😴 Sleep tight. Xxxxxxxx

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Feeling so horrible this morning. Anxiety through the roof and agitation right back up again. I hate this SO much. Burning arms and hands so painful and frightening

[BreathofAir]

Feeling so horrible this morning. Anxiety through the roof and agitation right back up again. I hate this SO much. Burning arms and hands so painful and frightening

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel 

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad you are not on your own as I am currently in bed also feeling rotten. But yesterday I felt great managed to work all day so it is just a matter of accepting what happens and knowing that we can have good days and you will have some too. Hope you feel better soon keep in touch it will improve. Speak to you later sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Sorry to hear you’re not so good either.  Have you managed to be out of bed today?

 

It’s so frustrating that our brains can be balanced fairly well one minute, then the next it all falls to pieces.  Like you, yesterday was better for me and I was feeling hopeful that progress was starting, but today I have just cried and been negative again all day with horrible agitation.  My neighbour was talking about the Alastair Campbell documentary and it just set me off badly for the rest of the day.  Wish I wasn’t so easily triggered. 

 

Its great that you were able to work all day yesterday, but maybe you just overdid it a bit, that’s all.  I sat out in the sun this evening as my VitD has come back very low. 

 

My husband and I had some concert tickets booked for this weekend at a music festival and I am so disappointed not to be going with him.  I know it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but you’re right about acceptance.  That’s why I cry so much, like a frustrated child.  I keep hearing the line from the Morgan Freeman film Evan Almighty about God giving the opportunity to be patient.  Acceptance is such a huge struggle when something is so awful. 

 

Am praying for all of us that we continue to strengthen and heal.  I know nothing is given away for free, but we are trying every day and I hope we are rewarded.  Bless you and hope you sleep well. 

 

Night. R xxxx

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

I'm so glad you had a better day yesterday. I hope you have many more. I know how disappointing it is when you are plunged back into symptoms after feeling better, but it's a good sign for the future.

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel

 

I feel a lot better this morning thank you, sleep helps.

Not a big fan of Alistair Campbell either, I just ignore him😂😂

I understand your disappointment about the concert but noise and flashing lights would not be good at present.

It is important to remember your time will come, don't know  when but it will come.

Impatience and anger are both parts of the process and you cannot control them.

The anger I had was like nothing before. It came out of nowhere and was so vehement I had get away from everyone because I knew I would be hurtful and vindictive

Fortunately it passed fairly quickly compared the other symptoms.

When it goes you will feel calmer.

You are beginning to recognise and accept your symptoms which is good.

You also have some great friends on here who are able to relate to your circumstances much better than I can and your posts to Maria are factual and correct which will help you both.

I hope it is as sunny in Northumberland as it is here, have a good day.

 

Sassenach

[sunnysideup69]

Hi Breath of Air, read your posts yesterday. Sounds like you've had an absolutely horrible time of it, but you do actually begin to sound a bit more hopeful in your later posts. I can hear some humour creeping back in. 

I'm nine months into reinstatement of citalopram 10mg. I'm a lot better than I was back in August last year, but still get wobbles. Had a two day blip this week with agitation and depression, seemingly not triggered by anything in particular. Had to take some time off work, luckily my boss is really understanding.

It's so easy to get discouraged, but you are healing and you will get there.

Likewise, I'd love to be knocking back prosecco and watching Netflix late into the night, but that's just not gonna happen any time soon. Have had to learn to get enjoyment from simple things again. Sometimes I feel like I've reverted back to childhood; I'm in bed at nine, and up at five ...

Anyway, sending all good wishes your way.

Ruth.

[sunnysideup69]

Oh, and I watched the Alistair Campbell documentary. Not a huge fan either......but I did find it strangely comforting. It sort of reminds me that at any given time, there are thousands, no, millions of people going through the same thing as me.

Doesn't always help, and of course don't watch it if it's triggering at the moment.....Also there's one called 'anxiety and me'...Nadia, the woman who won the Great British Bake Off, was on it. Who knew that she suffered from PTSD/anxiety?? 

Anyway, wishing you a better day today. 

[BreathofAir]

Good morning @Sassenach @RichT @Dejavu   @Mewr @sunnysideup69

 

Instead of my usual self pitying moaning, I wanted to post something positive.  Yesterday was a terrible day of crying and saying all the usual negative things to my family and by evening I’d had enough of myself and everyone me.  The wind was blowing, but the sun was still warm so I sat down and rolled my trousers up to get some Vit D on my alabaster legs.  I brushed my dog and then we managed to go for a walk through the fields and up to the local church.  There are huge old trees there and it’s where the wind likes to play. I can just tell. I sit on the bench and just listen. It is one of those unique places where elements come together and you can either feel a reassuring sense of peace or an uplifting and carrying of your weakened spirit.  

 

I was able to take my daughter riding her bicycle on the lane, then cuddle in bed for story time.  I think I’d just exhausted my emotions and fears for that day or at least my adrenaline levels had finally burnt out. I must have huge turbines hidden in my bottom or somewhere. 

 

My husband asked for some sleep on his own, so after faffing with the curtains, as is my nighttime routine, I laid down in the dark and cuddled my pillow.  And I thought to myself “I’m not taking that Zopiclone tablet, even if I start burning or carrying on. I’m not taking it”.  So I just laid there, deep breathing, not forcing the fearful thoughts out, just letting them come and go.  And finally I went to sleep.  Of course I was awake again at silly o’clock, but again I went back to sleep without clawing for the tablets.  

 

I know it’s a small thing, but to me, I had built up a huge fear that I had lost the ability to fall asleep on my own forever.  I will keep trying now.  It’s one less tablet.  My husband is going after the Lorazepam, but until my severe morning anxiety settles a bit, I don’t know about that.  I tried .5mg yesterday and psychologically it ruined the whole day.  I am so weak in that regard, but will keep at it. 

 

But i just wanted to say something positive to start with. As we say, baby steps. 

 

I have to report in at the doctors 😬but will write more later as I know things have been going on for everyone. 

 

Sending out love, strength, positivity, acceptance, courage and a fighting spirit.  Speak later. 

 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[ChessieCat]

4 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

So I just laid there, deep breathing, not forcing the fearful thoughts out, just letting them come and go.  And finally I went to sleep.  Of course I was awake again at silly o’clock, but again I went back to sleep

 

Really good self soothing and non drug techniques.  It's hard work, but it does work.  Well done.  Once you've done it and proven that it works, it is easier to do it again. 😊

[Songbird]

That's brilliant!  Yes, baby steps. You're doing great.  I think I must have the bottom turbines, too - at times I have been astounded by my body's capacity for adrenaline production.

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

I cannot believe how far you have come in just two weeks.

Stop thinking of yourself as weak, only strength and determination, and some great help including your NHS carers got you this far.

Do not go to the other extreme though there will still be undulations along the way, if you can do without zopiclone , great, but you not want to go back to sleep deprivation.

The golden rule my liver consultant has quoted innumerable times over 15 years. Never change more than one thing at once, you have to know what works and do not rush things.

I understand your husband wants you get off Lorazepam but he is not your doctor and like so many others still fails to get WD even when he has seen what it has done to you.

Sit tight, hold and stabilise, you will get their.

Enough of that. What breed is your dog?

Did you know that if you sit and massage the back of your pet's neck very gently just behind the ears they will totally relax and often fall asleep?

It is great for the pet but also the human as it relaxes us too.

I hope you continue to feel better, you and your family, dog included, deserve it.

 

All the best

 

Sassenach

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Thank you for your lovely message.  I do think the Lorazepam is a big factor right now still, but I feel more motivated. I am still frightened though and treading carefully.  One thing at once, as you said.  

 

My dog is from a Crete rescue organisation. He’s a white Kokoni with speckles and black spots. Poor little man is really lost at the moment because he saw me as the pack leader and he’s rightly thinking what’s gone so wrong?  We had two dogs, the other being a Pointer/Choc lab cross. He was a beauty, but he kept escaping and trying to get in with the local sheep, so we unfortunately had to re-home him back to the foster family who’d originally homed him when he first came to the U.K.   I love dogs so much.  I’ve had Pyrenean Mountain dogs in the past.  I know how you must be feeling.  Dog lovers do have to be tough in a lot of ways.  My sister has an absolutely mad gun dog lab called Ralph, but he’s big and nervous and keeps jumping and barking at people, so she’s not having an easy time with him at all. I had all my dogs snipped, but she thinks it will make him worse.  It’s no good him jumping at people though and barking in their faces.  She’s had two trainers in, but still no improvement. 

 

How are you feeling anyway? Good, I hope.  My husband does understand withdrawal, but he thinks I do well with distraction rather than grabbing the benzo.  The mornings are so horrible though and send me into such a state.  Do you feel better on an evening?  It’s so frustrating.  

 

I love pampering dogs and listening to all the different sounds they make when they are relaxing. They are such good therapy.  I just want to be right for him and everyone else. He’s given me his trust after being abused and I don’t want to let him down. 

 

I hope you continue to feel better too. Sleep well and heal well. 

 

R xxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Hi @sunnysideup69

 

Thank you for your message. How are you feeling? 

 

I agree about reverting back to childhood. I have all my rituals now and comfort blanket amongst other things. I wish I wasn’t so scared and negative, clinging to the tablets and blubbing every five minutes! 

 

I am glad you are making progress. Patience and acceptance are things I struggle with very much. You must be a lot tougher than I am.  I can’t watch any tv at the moment and struggle to read normal books. It’s very difficult to keep myself busy or distracted, I usually end up cleaning or trying to do something in the garden.  Anxiety certainly does a number on your attention span and interest in things. 

 

Do you manage most day-to-day things now?  What are mornings like for you? 

 

I hope you sleep well. Bless you and keep healing. Night. 

 

Rachel xxxxx

 

[bubble]

10 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

 I tried .5mg yesterday and psychologically it ruined the whole day.  I

 

I don't quite understand what you mean by this but I would like to echo Sassenach's plea: please don't mess up with your drugs now. You are beginning to show signs of stabilizing which is still a very fragile process. Keeping dosing of all the drugs as steady as possible is what enables the brain to stabilise.

 

Now is not the time to think about reducing drugs.

[sunnysideup69]

10 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

 

@BreathofAir Patience is a hard one for me, too.....I reinstated back in August, so it's just that I've had longer to stabilise.  I was all over the place in the beginning..

I'm back at work, although this month has been a bit gnarly, have had some anxiety and taken some time off. Mornings are generally ok now but it took a while...

Since January I've been having monthly acupuncture to help with calming and relaxing my system. It's really helped me along.

Yeah, am able to do most things now. 

I think you have every hope of your reinstatement working, it'll be ok, however it feels now. 

I should add that I also made the mistake of hopping around doses last June -Aug, from 2.5mg to 10mg, back to 5mg then 7.5 then 10mg. All in the space of two months. I was all over the place, awful side effects. Which are pretty much gone. Mood still fluctuates a bit, anxiety still sometimes rears its head, but overall am much better. This is coming for you, too.

Have a very restful sleep. I'm about to do my 'sleep hygiene'...grrrrr.....sleep tight and sweet dreams.

[BreathofAir]

Hi @bubble

 

I was hoping to only use the Lorazepam as an emergency on top of the Diazepam, but I recognise the need to not mess with things right now. 

 

Am I ok not to take the Zopiclone if I can manage to fall asleep myself? 

 

Thank you

R xxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

@RichT

 

Thank you for your lovely message. Just sending you blessings for a peaceful, healing sleep Rich.

 

Hope you had a good day today. You play my kind of music. I was trying to learn the piano before everything went down the plug hole.  My sister plays sax in a band. I am missing listening to music very much. It’s so frustrating getting triggered by it.  

 

Anyway, take it easy won’t you. Sleep tight. 

R xxxx

[Dejavu]

Oh, my goodness, this is such wonderful news! Now that you know what your body is capable of, you can put your doubts about stabilization to rest. Now you know that, just like everyone else, you will get there. Just don't do too much too soon. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but one good day does not mean you are stable, and overdoing it can wear you out. But you are on you way. Get ready for some ups and downs along the way, and try not to get disappointed if (when) you fall back a bit. I have found (so far at least) that my waves get a little less severe each time, and my baseline improves. You're on your way!!! 😎

[planifolia]

On 5/22/2019 at 3:58 AM, BreathofAir said:

Hi @planifolia,

 

It was very good to hear from you again.  I know your journey is up and down.  Have you got any further medical appointments coming up?  

 

Are you able to tell me what you felt like when you were taking 20mg Lexapro?   I know it crushed my panic, which was a blessing, and I was able to sleep, but it made me quite wired and sometimes disinhibited and I did eat like a huge beast.  Now all that weight has been flushed off again and it is back to the dreadful powdery meal shakes and shuffling about on stick legs. 🤢

 

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and support.  I extend the same to you and my thoughts are with you. 

 

I will pray for a huge surge in your recovery - it is time for the pendulum to swing back the other way! 

 

Bless you and it is so good that you sleep so that the healing can take place. 

 

Hope you are sleeping well and peacefully my friend and your brain is working away settling itself down. 

 

R Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

Hi BreathofAir. Oh my golly when I was taking 20mg I felt a hell beyond imagination. However this was a reinstated 20mg response. Over the decade I was on lexapro, I was on doses between 5mg to 35mg, with 10mg being the norm. On 20mg during that time, I just felt completely zombified and emotionally anesthesized. 

 

However upon reinstatement, that 20mg nearly took my life. I was severely suicidal, on the edge of psychosis, severe DR, akathisia and terror to a biblical level. It was only when I kept going down the dose did I feel the symptoms lessening in intensity. 

 

I know you pondering if your current dose of lexapro is enough, but generally when the body enters withdrawal it is extremely sensitized and previously tolerable doses can cause severe reactions, and you may find yourself feeling worse going up, not better. 

 

However no one can predict what will happen. If you look over other people's stories, everyone is all over the place. Even if you are have a very similar history or withdrawal to someone else, there are always subtle difference if not huge differences. I think the only way to know what we should do is listen to our bodies and stop comparing notes. People tend to do this especially to horror stories and think they will be like Mr Doomed or Mrs Oh my god i'm taking forever, but also in the other direction by anticipating good things that happened to others when they did a certain thing but dissapointed when you did it and failed.

 

Treat ourselves like we are part of a study and we are the only participant and let go of the need to be certain. Listen to your body and let it teach you what to do. This is how we got our peer-community guidelines from the pioneers who experimented and reported their findings, before any of the information we know today existed. I think if you wish to know if a higher dose is better for you you can only experiment. You can increase by 0.5-1mg and see if symptoms improve. 

 

I think it is important to perhaps also accept that it may be difficult to be completely symptom free after our nervous system got so destabalized, and should accept that if symptoms are bearable and we are functional, it is okay. 

 

I am also so happy to see that things are somewhat getting better for you (based on the way you are writing nowadays). What a hellish experience you had! priase yourself for being so brave and getting through the worst. A big squishy hug🤗

[BreathofAir]

Hi @Dejavu

 

Great to hear from you and that you’re on the up. You are so determined and I know you will do it right and make it. Good for you and your strong spirit and dedication. 

 

I know how you are feeling missing your mum and sister. It’s been so very tough for you.  It was the anniversary of my dad passing this Wednesday just gone.  I talk to him often and wish desperately he was still here for my mother. She is a very tough woman.  I wish some of it had rubbed off on me. 

 

I have managed to get out every day and am doing more. I went for counselling today.  My mood is still very low and I cry all the time and I’m worried the Lorazepam is causing this low feeling or whether it’s just chaos from the withdrawal.  I just feel flat and still frightened that my mood won’t lift.  I did not have depression before, but it feels like a heavier weight to lift now.  Even though I am more functional, I still feel disengaged, unable to focus and uncomfortable.  I don’t know if you felt this way?  I know it’s a waiting game and we just have to put the work in every day regardless of whether we feel awful. 

 

How are your mornings? Do you feel like you feel better in the evenings?  I seem to be following a pattern. Horrible cortisol wake up, nausea, anxiety, then either really tearful in the morning or in the afternoon with patches of functioning and distraction in between.  I still cannot watch tv.  Sometimes I can laugh in the evening.  I don’t really understand it all.  Who does?

 

You seem to be on top of things though and I’m pleased.  I don’t see myself off this med for a while. The counsellor said I have a lot of bereavement and grief to go through because that’s what’s bubbling all the time. 

 

I am sending you positive thought waves, strength and admiration of your fighting spirit. Bless you and keep healing. 

R xxxxxxxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Hi Planifolia, 

 

Good to hear from you. How are things with you?  Are you able to exercise at all and what do you do for distraction? Can you spend much time outdoors? 

 

Was your main diagnosis anxiety when you first went on the Lexapro? Were you like me and having to use benzos to counteract the potent effect of the Lexapro? 

 

I’m sorry for being nosy and all the questions, I’m just trying to piece things together.  

 

How did you feel about Brass Monkey’s response to your question? 

 

Its really hard trying to unravel the idea of a perfect dose, especially if the SSRI might never have been suitable. I don’t know how you felt during the 10 years you were on it. Why did your dose vary so much, if you don’t mind me asking? 

 

You can tell me to mind my own business, but I’d just like to help in any way I can.  Are you able to have acupuncture or counselling or massage?  I was reading that men respond very rapidly in mood when they exercise. Can you run or cycle? 

 

Anyway, I know I’ve overloaded you with questions.  Am sending you a big hug back.  As you might see from my post to Dejavu, I don’t really know where I’m at. Still frightened with a very low mood, but doing what I can to keep going. 

 

Hope you sleep well and keep healing. Bless you my friend. 

R xxxxxxxxx

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

Good to hear you sounding chirpy for a second day.

The morning cortisol thing is horrible but does get better. I found that I had to muster the energy and will power to get out of bed immediately otherwise I would lie there feeling horrible. Once I got moving I felt better. I seem to remember way back ( two weeks but seems forever, your husband was trying to get you to do this ).

Having said that I think is wrong to try and get you off Lorazepam when you are doing so well.

3 hours ago, planifolia said:

If you look over other people's stories, everyone is all over the place.

 

There may be differences around the edges because everyone is different but the golden rules seem to work for everyone who succeeds.

Do not keep changing med dosages.

Time is ultimately the only healer.

If you try to rush it will take longer, if you get there at all.

Or in motor racing parlance " in order to finish first. First you have to finish".

As for the Zopiclone I only know what I would do. I would continue to take it at present to ensure good sleep so you brain has capacity to heal. You will be holding meds steady to help you if you have a few bad days. In a couple of weeks time if you continue to improve at the current rate then maybe you can do without.

It takes no time at all to make a change but a long time to get back to where you started. Two weeks is no time at all in the life you hopefully have when you get through this.

As for your mum, have you told her how you feel. I suspect you have bottled up your emotions and if so you need to uncork them. Is that why you are always upset after meeting with the therapist? By all means tell me to mind my own or just ignore the question.

Back to the important stuff. Just come in from the garden after spending 30 minutes with Tango, my wifes dog ( only one left now)😢

[Sassenach]

Sorry screen locked.

Did agility with him. He is not bothered about walks, balls etc. but show him a jump, seesaw or weave and he will be happy all day.

If we are working outside and ignoring him we will hear Bang, Bang, Bang as he goes over the seesaw and lets it thump down time and again until we run a course with him.

Tried to tell him if he can play on the seesaw by himself he could do the course. Not worked yet though.

Kokoni. Fifty years of owning, showing, judging,  training and working dogs.  I had never heard of the breed.

They look really cute and quite varied which is great, no inbreeding there.

How old is he/she and why from Crete?

 

Stay strong, you have not used the word weak today as far as I can see.

 

All the best from over the borderline

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Good evening Sassenach, 

 

I always look forward to your messages. They are like a strong rope across a very unstable swinging bridge! What you write is always very meaningful and pertinent to how I am feeling.  

 

I do plan to hold everything now and see how my low mood and anxiety balance out. Both scare me if I am honest.  I have so many bad memories of how I felt in Canada when I first experienced the morning cortisol and anxiety and I was elated when they disappeared and I awoke feeling relatively “normal”.  I now realise how much I have taken for granted. 

 

I miss Bonjo our previous rescue dog very much. He was a big softie and very intuitive, but with a strong naughty streak. My first Pyrenean, Murphy, went everywhere with me. He was such a teddy and even went to work and sat under my desk.  I picked Snowey from the PAWS for home rescue site in Crete because of his eyes and spots.  Normally I would have gone for a larger breed, but my husband (who is not that confident with dogs) said small.  He’s settled in well since last September and loves the beach and other dogs.  His recall is selective though, but he’s getting better. He’s around 17 months old. 

 

I saw a new counsellor today and felt she was quite intuitive. She gave me confidence.  I managed to go to my daughter’s school for the first time in four weeks and we played a bit of cricket this evening.  I just feel so sad and suspended.  Yes, you are right, there are so many things bottled up. I’m talking more to my mother and she confides now more in me.  My husband is very good, but it’s hard when he is getting on with his life. I feel more affinity with my mother I suppose because she’s had to adjust to losing her parents and her husband and daughter all in a relatively short space of time plus deal with cancer, and now me.  She is teaching me about “just doing”, even if I feel awful.  My husband talks the motivational talk, which sometimes makes me want to scream when I feel so scared and irrational.  I know it’s the doctor in him. He does try.  He thinks me being on here only fuels my fears more and doesn’t understand the need to “connect” and the therapeutic benefit of giving and receiving hope and support.  

 

Regarding the Zopiclone, I was just so worried that 3 benzo type drugs was too much and my mood is so low, even if I can do things robotically.  I keep it by my bedside though.  I always worry that everything is interfering with the Escitalopram, as I get no sense what it is doing, if anything.  It should be like a pregnancy test where you get a clear symbol if it’s positive and working!  It’s all just a guessing/hoping/waiting game.  I thought i’d cultivated a good amount of patience since having my daughter, but I guess this is just too testing. 

 

We must talk more about your history with dogs. I have some funny stories to tell about when I tried to show mine. It didn’t start or end well!  

 

Anyway, I hope you have something nice planned for the weekend.  I will just be playing it by ear.  Hope you are still very much in the ascending. Bless you, sleep well and heal well. 

 

R xxxxxx

[Dejavu]

Hi BOA, I'm glad ro hear you're getting out and doing more stuff. I think we have to fake it til we make it. I do a lot of that these days.

 

 

4 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

My mood is still very low and I cry all the time and I’m worried the Lorazepam is causing this low feeling or whether it’s just chaos from the withdrawal.  I just feel flat and still frightened that my mood won’t lift.  I did not have depression before, but it feels like a heavier weight to lift now.  Even though I am more functional, I still feel disengaged, unable to focus and uncomfortable.  I don’t know if you felt this way?  I

 

Absolutely. I just got back from a marathon trip to the grocery store - we needed everything. Hubbo isn't feeling well today and I figured its the least I could do. He's been my personal shopper, chef, housekeeper, chauffeur, dog tender, bill payer, dose calculator and counselor since I crashed, and he's been so very sweet throughout. So I muddled through - for him. Today is not the worst I've felt but not the best either.  And the "flat" feeling you describe was with me the entire time. I find I have to force myself to engage with other people - even a polite nod or smile seems like effort. I am by nature a very outgoing person, so this feels very foreign to me. But I will say I believe it has improved somewhat lately, even during waves. Which is good. When I start to feel disengaged or otherworldly, which tends to happen in stores or when I'm among strangers, I tell myself: "get your head where your feet are." Sometimes I have to repeat it over and over, but I find it helps. 

 

In many ways it feels good to do "normal" things that I used to take for granted. But I'm always aware that it doesn't *feel* normal, which causes heightened anxiety. I'm working on that. Tonight I will go to band rehearsal, which is something I used to love, but now just like/tolerate. Making music has always been my passion and my oxygen, and that fact that it has now turned into something to "get through" is heartbreaking to me. I will know I've truly stabilized when I no longer feel this way.

 

To answer your question about morning anxiety, yes, my mornings used to be absolutely awful awful awful. But eventually they calmed down - and now they are almost normal. First, the 4am panicked corisol spikes turned into 8am semi-panicked cortisol spikes. Then they morphed into high morning anxiety. I remember just lying in bed after awakening, repeating to myself, "everything is all right; there's no logical reason to feel this way." After a few weeks, this mantra enabled me to go back to sleep for about an hour, only to wake up with anxiety again. At about 3 months, it went almost completely away. Morning is still harder but I'd put the morning anxiety at a 1-2 out of 10 these days. Nothing I can't handle. My sleep straightened out a lot during this time as well. I was only getting 2-4 hours at the beginning. With the help of magnesium and melatonin, I now regularly sleep 7-8 hours a night. I usually wake up once, but I always have, even before ADs. You will get there. Do not fret. 

 

I never had depression before either, but I've been to the blackest, darkest places I've ever been in the past 6 months. It has lifted a great deal. I still have my moments, but not as severe as at the beginning. And the crying? Don't get me started. I cried all day every day for the first 3 months. All things big and small triggered me. It's not you; it's the neuro emotions caused by the drug. Also, in your case and mine, most likely exascerbated by grief. Don't be too hard on yourself. And remember that crying is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very cathartic and it releases endorphins. 

 

Feeling better in the evening is a very common theme here. It works that way for me too, and did as well during my klonopin taper. Its all about heightened cortisol. It's natural for cortisol to rise in the morning and decrease in the evening. When our nervous systems are in flux, all our responses including this one, are exaggerated. It will settle.

 

Please don't be discouraged about how long it is taking me  to stabilize. Remember that I was playing with my dose for the first four months. I've only been sitting still for 7 weeks, and seeing improvements since then. If you keep things as steady as you can, it might not take you as long as it did me to stabilize. The fact that you're seeing improvements so quickly is a very very good sign. Keep doing what you can and be kind to your system by keeping stress as low as possible. You've got this!!!

[BreathofAir]

I hope everyone is doing ok and had a good day. 

 

I have managed to get out, but I am crying so much.  It frightens me a lot.  I had terrible sleep.  I can see that my husband is pulling away and trying to leave me to deal with myself.  He has arranged a short family holiday with his family, himself and my daughter next month.  I know they need to get on and do things and time cannot stop for them.  It just frightens and hurts me and reinforces that I am completely alone really.  I know there are people going through this alone and I don’t know how they are doing it. 

 

I need to accept where I am, but I don’t know where to even begin. 

 

Sending everyone best wishes for more healing. 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxc

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

First you are not alone. We may not be there in person but we are willing you on.

You said you were getting on better with your mum. Try and tell her how you really feel about all that is happening. You seem to be somewhat in awe of her but she is seeing first hand what is going on around you.

You need sleep and rest, you should use the aids you have.

I hope you will understand if I decline to make any comment on your husband at present.

You have been doing so well, do not let it go now.

You are starting from here. It's not fair but at least you know where you stand. The doctors and therapist can now ensure your care moves on the right path and you will not be pulled in opposing directions.

You are strong ( your mum is in you ), you have proved it and you will continue to do so.

Try and sleep tonight, sit with Snowey, he will sense how you feel.

Speak tomorrow.

 

Big hug for a brave lady.

 

Sassenach

[sunnysideup69]

Lots of love to you, sleep well.

[Sassenach]

Let us  know you are ok sleep well

[RichT]

20 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I hope everyone is doing ok and had a good day. 

 

I have managed to get out, but I am crying so much.  It frightens me a lot.  I had terrible sleep.  I can see that my husband is pulling away and trying to leave me to deal with myself.  He has arranged a short family holiday with his family, himself and my daughter next month.  I know they need to get on and do things and time cannot stop for them.  It just frightens and hurts me and reinforces that I am completely alone really.  I know there are people going through this alone and I don’t know how they are doing it. 

 

I need to accept where I am, but I don’t know where to even begin. 

 

Sending everyone best wishes for more healing. 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxc

 

Hi Rachel,

 

I think you shouldn’t conclude you’re alone because your husband has booked a short holiday.  And you have people on here you can always talk to.

 

Acceptance is hard, I think you have to let it come in it’s own time. Don’t try to make it happen.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[BreathofAir]

Dear @Sassenach @RichT @Dejavu  @sunnysideup69

 

Thank you for your lovely messages.  I hope you are all ok. I just worry that everyone will disappear off the site because you’re all doing well, and I know that is a good thing.  I am just so clingy at the moment and feel very far behind. 

 

I discovered this morning that for the past five days I have been taking 10mg tablets instead of 5mg.  I don’t know how I could have missed it and got the boxes mixed up. Very very careless of me.  So that’s thrown a huge spanner in the works, which has sent my anxiety soaring.    I will have to stay here now and see how I go.  I am so upset about it, but there’s nothing I can do.  The crying is still out of control and I don’t know whether it’s the tablets or my low, terrified mood. 

 

I managed to get out on my bicycle today for an hour to try and increase my daily exercise.  I hope this will help. I did not enjoy it, but was pleased to climb a steep hill.  Anhedonia is so horrible. 

 

Dejavu, I was so pleased to read your post and how positive it was about your rehearsal and planning for the future. 

Thank you Rich for your sweet message.  You are right and I know I must create my own confidence and let people and things go that I cannot participate in. 

 

You are all so lovely and much braver than me.  Sending you blessings and hope you all sleep well and keep healing.

 

Rachel xxxxxxxx

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

Have you reverted to 5 mgs or stayed on 10?

 

Please reply asap

 

Sassenach

[sunnysideup69]

@BreathofAir I won't be disappearing any time soon. And I don't think I'm braver...it's just that more time has passed since I stayed put on one dose. I've been settling for 9 months. You will get there, really you will. You've had a horrendous time, and it's naturally going to take a while to heal.....but you are already healing. You just can't quite see it yet.

 

Now I'm gonna sound like a crazeeeee laydeeee but, in the beginning (August last year) I even got myself on a prayer list. I'm not even religious, haven't been to church in years! (although I would say I have spiritual leanings.) It was another way of making myself feel held. 

Amazing that you got outside! Yeah, I don't always enjoy it, and I certainly really had to fake it in the beginning, the anhedonia was really bad.

Maybe ask the moderators what to do re the dosage...I would have thought that as it's only 5 days, you could drop back to 5mg.....I'm sure a moderator would advise. The crying is probably both a mixture of your mood plus the increase....I experienced the same when I was skipping around doses last summer.

Really sending you many good wishes, and a lot of warmth. It's rainy here in London, is it the same your way? 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach, 

 

I am going to stay at 10mg. I will see how I go over the next few days.  I just can’t get anything right at the moment!  I don’t plan on tapering any time soon anyway.  My low mood and need for the Lorazepam has really been frightening me. 

 

I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing or not. 

 

How owe are you doing? 

 

R xxxx