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BreathofAir

BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

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BreathofAir

Hi @RichT

 

How are you doing?

 

I should not be shining the naughty screen light in my face at this time I know, but I just wanted to catch up with everyone.  All this sleep hygiene business just makes me more agitated.  Fussing with the stupid curtains, trying to block every sliver of light out, getting the covers and pillows right, lining up my water and tablets.  It just sucks !!!!   There are people all over the world stuffing their faces with pizza, chocolates and goodness knows what else right now sprawled on their beds watching Netflix and I feel like some kind of biomedical technician cruising my room for morning cortisol triggers. Arrghhh!

 

Sorry, I don’t wish to mess up your nighttime chi.  I just can’t seem to put a lid on getting cross. 

 

I hope you are well and comfortably settled for a peaceful and healing sleep. Thank you for keeping in touch. I really appreciate it. 

 

Goodnight. 😴 Sleep tight. Xxxxxxxx

 

 

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BreathofAir

Feeling so horrible this morning. Anxiety through the roof and agitation right back up again. I hate this SO much. Burning arms and hands so painful and frightening

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BreathofAir

Feeling so horrible this morning. Anxiety through the roof and agitation right back up again. I hate this SO much. Burning arms and hands so painful and frightening

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel 

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad you are not on your own as I am currently in bed also feeling rotten. But yesterday I felt great managed to work all day so it is just a matter of accepting what happens and knowing that we can have good days and you will have some too. Hope you feel better soon keep in touch it will improve. Speak to you later sassenach

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BreathofAir

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Sorry to hear you’re not so good either.  Have you managed to be out of bed today?

 

It’s so frustrating that our brains can be balanced fairly well one minute, then the next it all falls to pieces.  Like you, yesterday was better for me and I was feeling hopeful that progress was starting, but today I have just cried and been negative again all day with horrible agitation.  My neighbour was talking about the Alastair Campbell documentary and it just set me off badly for the rest of the day.  Wish I wasn’t so easily triggered. 

 

Its great that you were able to work all day yesterday, but maybe you just overdid it a bit, that’s all.  I sat out in the sun this evening as my VitD has come back very low. 

 

My husband and I had some concert tickets booked for this weekend at a music festival and I am so disappointed not to be going with him.  I know it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but you’re right about acceptance.  That’s why I cry so much, like a frustrated child.  I keep hearing the line from the Morgan Freeman film Evan Almighty about God giving the opportunity to be patient.  Acceptance is such a huge struggle when something is so awful. 

 

Am praying for all of us that we continue to strengthen and heal.  I know nothing is given away for free, but we are trying every day and I hope we are rewarded.  Bless you and hope you sleep well. 

 

Night. R xxxx

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

I'm so glad you had a better day yesterday. I hope you have many more. I know how disappointing it is when you are plunged back into symptoms after feeling better, but it's a good sign for the future.

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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Sassenach

Good morning Rachel

 

I feel a lot better this morning thank you, sleep helps.

Not a big fan of Alistair Campbell either, I just ignore him😂😂

I understand your disappointment about the concert but noise and flashing lights would not be good at present.

It is important to remember your time will come, don't know  when but it will come.

Impatience and anger are both parts of the process and you cannot control them.

The anger I had was like nothing before. It came out of nowhere and was so vehement I had get away from everyone because I knew I would be hurtful and vindictive

Fortunately it passed fairly quickly compared the other symptoms.

When it goes you will feel calmer.

You are beginning to recognise and accept your symptoms which is good.

You also have some great friends on here who are able to relate to your circumstances much better than I can and your posts to Maria are factual and correct which will help you both.

I hope it is as sunny in Northumberland as it is here, have a good day.

 

Sassenach

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Ruthmcg

Hi Breath of Air, read your posts yesterday. Sounds like you've had an absolutely horrible time of it, but you do actually begin to sound a bit more hopeful in your later posts. I can hear some humour creeping back in. 

I'm nine months into reinstatement of citalopram 10mg. I'm a lot better than I was back in August last year, but still get wobbles. Had a two day blip this week with agitation and depression, seemingly not triggered by anything in particular. Had to take some time off work, luckily my boss is really understanding.

It's so easy to get discouraged, but you are healing and you will get there.

Likewise, I'd love to be knocking back prosecco and watching Netflix late into the night, but that's just not gonna happen any time soon. Have had to learn to get enjoyment from simple things again. Sometimes I feel like I've reverted back to childhood; I'm in bed at nine, and up at five ...

Anyway, sending all good wishes your way.

Ruth.

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Ruthmcg

Oh, and I watched the Alistair Campbell documentary. Not a huge fan either......but I did find it strangely comforting. It sort of reminds me that at any given time, there are thousands, no, millions of people going through the same thing as me.

Doesn't always help, and of course don't watch it if it's triggering at the moment.....Also there's one called 'anxiety and me'...Nadia, the woman who won the Great British Bake Off, was on it. Who knew that she suffered from PTSD/anxiety?? 

Anyway, wishing you a better day today. 

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BreathofAir

Good morning @Sassenach @RichT @Dejavu @Ruthmcg @Mewr

 

Instead of my usual self pitying moaning, I wanted to post something positive.  Yesterday was a terrible day of crying and saying all the usual negative things to my family and by evening I’d had enough of myself and everyone me.  The wind was blowing, but the sun was still warm so I sat down and rolled my trousers up to get some Vit D on my alabaster legs.  I brushed my dog and then we managed to go for a walk through the fields and up to the local church.  There are huge old trees there and it’s where the wind likes to play. I can just tell. I sit on the bench and just listen. It is one of those unique places where elements come together and you can either feel a reassuring sense of peace or an uplifting and carrying of your weakened spirit.  

 

I was able to take my daughter riding her bicycle on the lane, then cuddle in bed for story time.  I think I’d just exhausted my emotions and fears for that day or at least my adrenaline levels had finally burnt out. I must have huge turbines hidden in my bottom or somewhere. 

 

My husband asked for some sleep on his own, so after faffing with the curtains, as is my nighttime routine, I laid down in the dark and cuddled my pillow.  And I thought to myself “I’m not taking that Zopiclone tablet, even if I start burning or carrying on. I’m not taking it”.  So I just laid there, deep breathing, not forcing the fearful thoughts out, just letting them come and go.  And finally I went to sleep.  Of course I was awake again at silly o’clock, but again I went back to sleep without clawing for the tablets.  

 

I know it’s a small thing, but to me, I had built up a huge fear that I had lost the ability to fall asleep on my own forever.  I will keep trying now.  It’s one less tablet.  My husband is going after the Lorazepam, but until my severe morning anxiety settles a bit, I don’t know about that.  I tried .5mg yesterday and psychologically it ruined the whole day.  I am so weak in that regard, but will keep at it. 

 

But i just wanted to say something positive to start with. As we say, baby steps. 

 

I have to report in at the doctors 😬but will write more later as I know things have been going on for everyone. 

 

Sending out love, strength, positivity, acceptance, courage and a fighting spirit.  Speak later. 

 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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ChessieCat
4 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

So I just laid there, deep breathing, not forcing the fearful thoughts out, just letting them come and go.  And finally I went to sleep.  Of course I was awake again at silly o’clock, but again I went back to sleep

 

Really good self soothing and non drug techniques.  It's hard work, but it does work.  Well done.  Once you've done it and proven that it works, it is easier to do it again. 😊

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Songbird

That's brilliant!  Yes, baby steps. You're doing great.  I think I must have the bottom turbines, too - at times I have been astounded by my body's capacity for adrenaline production.

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

I cannot believe how far you have come in just two weeks.

Stop thinking of yourself as weak, only strength and determination, and some great help including your NHS carers got you this far.

Do not go to the other extreme though there will still be undulations along the way, if you can do without zopiclone , great, but you not want to go back to sleep deprivation.

The golden rule my liver consultant has quoted innumerable times over 15 years. Never change more than one thing at once, you have to know what works and do not rush things.

I understand your husband wants you get off Lorazepam but he is not your doctor and like so many others still fails to get WD even when he has seen what it has done to you.

Sit tight, hold and stabilise, you will get their.

Enough of that. What breed is your dog?

Did you know that if you sit and massage the back of your pet's neck very gently just behind the ears they will totally relax and often fall asleep?

It is great for the pet but also the human as it relaxes us too.

I hope you continue to feel better, you and your family, dog included, deserve it.

 

All the best

 

Sassenach

 

 

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BreathofAir

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Thank you for your lovely message.  I do think the Lorazepam is a big factor right now still, but I feel more motivated. I am still frightened though and treading carefully.  One thing at once, as you said.  

 

My dog is from a Crete rescue organisation. He’s a white Kokoni with speckles and black spots. Poor little man is really lost at the moment because he saw me as the pack leader and he’s rightly thinking what’s gone so wrong?  We had two dogs, the other being a Pointer/Choc lab cross. He was a beauty, but he kept escaping and trying to get in with the local sheep, so we unfortunately had to re-home him back to the foster family who’d originally homed him when he first came to the U.K.   I love dogs so much.  I’ve had Pyrenean Mountain dogs in the past.  I know how you must be feeling.  Dog lovers do have to be tough in a lot of ways.  My sister has an absolutely mad gun dog lab called Ralph, but he’s big and nervous and keeps jumping and barking at people, so she’s not having an easy time with him at all. I had all my dogs snipped, but she thinks it will make him worse.  It’s no good him jumping at people though and barking in their faces.  She’s had two trainers in, but still no improvement. 

 

How are you feeling anyway? Good, I hope.  My husband does understand withdrawal, but he thinks I do well with distraction rather than grabbing the benzo.  The mornings are so horrible though and send me into such a state.  Do you feel better on an evening?  It’s so frustrating.  

 

I love pampering dogs and listening to all the different sounds they make when they are relaxing. They are such good therapy.  I just want to be right for him and everyone else. He’s given me his trust after being abused and I don’t want to let him down. 

 

I hope you continue to feel better too. Sleep well and heal well. 

 

R xxxxxx

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BreathofAir

Hi @Ruthmcg

 

Thank you for your message. How are you feeling? 

 

I agree about reverting back to childhood. I have all my rituals now and comfort blanket amongst other things. I wish I wasn’t so scared and negative, clinging to the tablets and blubbing every five minutes! 

 

I am glad you are making progress. Patience and acceptance are things I struggle with very much. You must be a lot tougher than I am.  I can’t watch any tv at the moment and struggle to read normal books. It’s very difficult to keep myself busy or distracted, I usually end up cleaning or trying to do something in the garden.  Anxiety certainly does a number on your attention span and interest in things. 

 

Do you manage most day-to-day things now?  What are mornings like for you? 

 

I hope you sleep well. Bless you and keep healing. Night. 

 

Rachel xxxxx

 

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bubble
10 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

 I tried .5mg yesterday and psychologically it ruined the whole day.  I

 

I don't quite understand what you mean by this but I would like to echo Sassenach's plea: please don't mess up with your drugs now. You are beginning to show signs of stabilizing which is still a very fragile process. Keeping dosing of all the drugs as steady as possible is what enables the brain to stabilise.

 

Now is not the time to think about reducing drugs.

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Ruthmcg
10 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

 

@BreathofAir Patience is a hard one for me, too.....I reinstated back in August, so it's just that I've had longer to stabilise.  I was all over the place in the beginning..

I'm back at work, although this month has been a bit gnarly, have had some anxiety and taken some time off. Mornings are generally ok now but it took a while...

Since January I've been having monthly acupuncture to help with calming and relaxing my system. It's really helped me along.

Yeah, am able to do most things now. 

I think you have every hope of your reinstatement working, it'll be ok, however it feels now. 

I should add that I also made the mistake of hopping around doses last June -Aug, from 2.5mg to 10mg, back to 5mg then 7.5 then 10mg. All in the space of two months. I was all over the place, awful side effects. Which are pretty much gone. Mood still fluctuates a bit, anxiety still sometimes rears its head, but overall am much better. This is coming for you, too.

Have a very restful sleep. I'm about to do my 'sleep hygiene'...grrrrr.....sleep tight and sweet dreams.

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BreathofAir

Hi @bubble

 

I was hoping to only use the Lorazepam as an emergency on top of the Diazepam, but I recognise the need to not mess with things right now. 

 

Am I ok not to take the Zopiclone if I can manage to fall asleep myself? 

 

Thank you

R xxxxxx

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BreathofAir

@RichT

 

Thank you for your lovely message. Just sending you blessings for a peaceful, healing sleep Rich.

 

Hope you had a good day today. You play my kind of music. I was trying to learn the piano before everything went down the plug hole.  My sister plays sax in a band. I am missing listening to music very much. It’s so frustrating getting triggered by it.  

 

Anyway, take it easy won’t you. Sleep tight. 

R xxxx

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Dejavu

Oh, my goodness, this is such wonderful news! Now that you know what your body is capable of, you can put your doubts about stabilization to rest. Now you know that, just like everyone else, you will get there. Just don't do too much too soon. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but one good day does not mean you are stable, and overdoing it can wear you out. But you are on you way. Get ready for some ups and downs along the way, and try not to get disappointed if (when) you fall back a bit. I have found (so far at least) that my waves get a little less severe each time, and my baseline improves. You're on your way!!! 😎

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