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BreathofAir

BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

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Sassenach

Good morning Rachel.

 

Just to clarify there is no question of restarting meds,

You go from where you are now and keep doses steady from day to day.

I wish I had some of your spare energy.

You need to sit tight over the next few days as you adjust the up and down on Escit dose, but you will adjust.

I don't think I was ever depressed and definitely not anxious.

Can't run your own business for 40 years with anxiety.

Bit of a long story so will try and tell you tonight when I have more time.

Question for you. Have you ever had the theme for a novel in your head.

Depending on your answer I will explain later today.

Hope you will feel ok today but remember al this chaos is down to WD not your brain exploding.

Take care

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

Hello, I hope everybody has had a good day. 

 

After another nasty, hysterical cortisol awakening, something strange happened.  I was able to get ready, get my daughter ready and drive us all to a family park. I laughed in the car along the way, did an hour’s walk, talked calmly to my husband, then played with my daughter in the park.  I ate a good lunch and did some shopping. We then came home and our neighbours called for tea and I talked and laughed with them.   I haven’t cried since 7am and I have enjoyed the day.   Small steps. 

 

I cannot express how much recent messages from everyone have meant to me.  Today has been because of all of you: your words ringing in my ears, encouraging me to keep struggling, accepting, coping, getting on with it and trusting that things will work out.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  I hope you will be repaid with an xxxl sized portion of healing. 

 

Sassenach, yes, I often think of ideas for novels, but I’m no writer! Are you a secret novelist??

 

More later to you all before bedtime. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxc

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RichT

great news Rachel!

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Sassenach

Rachel

 

That is a huge step and so well deserved not only for you but your family too.

They have seen the old Rachel they knew and loved. More importantly they know what is within their grasp with time and patience.

I wish with all my heart that it continues. Don't do too much more tonight though, you brain is still healing.

I beg to disagree re. the writing. There have been several occasions when what you write paints a picture.

Through the churchyard and up into the windy wood, the muffled church bells, and at least one other that currently escapes my collender brain.

My point is not the description but the way you bring it alive. That is the stuff of good writing.

How come you were playing with a sheepdog? Always back to dogs🤣.

I am no novelist. I do not have the imagination but give me an engine to rebuild or oak furniture to restore, that I am good at.

I hope you sleep well.

Can I suggest that when you log off this session you do not return tonight.

Be with your family and let them see that when you are well you do not need us. It would be the best compliment for SA, and you know we will still be here.

 

So happy for you

 

Sassenach

 

 

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BreathofAir

Hi Sassenach, 

 

Thank you for the compliment, you flatterer! You’re still not going to give anything away though are you? Oh well, I shall of course respect your privacy.  I love a good car engine myself. Always been a petrolhead since my teens. I helped build a kit car (kind of like a Caterham) with a Focus RS engine, then got it re-mapped by some complete madmen. I took it around the Tour de France route, criss-crossing the Pyrenees on the lookout for the wild version of my dogs.  What a sublime adventure I won’t forget.  I would love to live around there. 

 

It’s story time now so I will take your advice and log off. 

Sleep well and heal well. Bless you. 

R xxxxx

 

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planifolia
10 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Hello, I hope everybody has had a good day. 

 

After another nasty, hysterical cortisol awakening, something strange happened.  I was able to get ready, get my daughter ready and drive us all to a family park. I laughed in the car along the way, did an hour’s walk, talked calmly to my husband, then played with my daughter in the park.  I ate a good lunch and did some shopping. We then came home and our neighbours called for tea and I talked and laughed with them.   I haven’t cried since 7am and I have enjoyed the day.   Small steps. 

 

I cannot express how much recent messages from everyone have meant to me.  Today has been because of all of you: your words ringing in my ears, encouraging me to keep struggling, accepting, coping, getting on with it and trusting that things will work out.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  I hope you will be repaid with an xxxl sized portion of healing. 

 

Sassenach, yes, I often think of ideas for novels, but I’m no writer! Are you a secret novelist??

 

More later to you all before bedtime. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxc

Oh my goodness that's fantastic!!! I just remember how horrific things were for you and got a little emotional seeing that things are finally turning a corner. I think the escitalopram updose could be working and hopefully this wonderful time will continue :)  I'm sure your daughter and husband must be delighted as well. Sending rainbows and cupcakes your way 

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sunnysideup69

@BreathofAir

Fantastic! A good window! This is amazing news. Sending you good wishes x

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

Hope you have another good day.

Everything crossed for you.

 

Sassenachxxxxx

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

Great day yesterday, thank you.

Today is ok so will see how it develops.

How are you feeling after a busy yesterday?

I do not flatter, I am  a yorkshireman, tell it how I see it.

Might just dig out all the quotes and post on here and have a vote, unless of course you are a plagerist😈

Couldn't imagine you with oily hands .

I will tell as soon as.

 

Have a good one

 

Sassenach

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Songbird

That is wonderful news!

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BreathofAir

Hope everyone is having a good day. 

 

I’m feeling flat and scared again and struggling to push myself through the day. Guess yesterday was just a lucky blip for now.  Am worrying very much that my mother is going home for a few days and my husband is returning back to work.  I know it sounds pathetic, but I don’t feel ready to be on my own.  I feel like I will run for the Lorazepam or pace the house out of my mind, like I did at the start.  I hope the weather improves. It feels so cold. I really need to find my courage, it’s gone missing today. 

 

Sending hugs, 

 

R xxxxxxxx

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Sassenach

Rachel.

 

Sorry to sound like a broken record but it is to be expected.

Firstly, you did a lot yesterday which was great but remember your body is not used to so much activity and socialising at the moment. Does not mean you should not have done it, but it catches up today.

Secondly, I think you will find that everyone following you on here was hoping your breakthrough could be so fast but expecting it to be temporary at this stage.

Fix yesterday in your memory to relive when you feel the need. You have seen through the window to what lies ahead. More of the same will happen.

It is natural you are disappointed but you are not going back to the start.

You are not weak, so let's not go back there.

When you need a prop or to vent come here, you will always find support.

If you do that then you should spend the evenings with you family ie. make the most of what is available and when.

I once wondered if internet trolls visited sites like this.

I soon realised we would know if they did.

Anybody not in WD would become so depressed they would have to become a member.😁.

It is important that you do not let your chin drop because we all know you do it.

Besides if I have to keep  willing you on when will I have time to tell my story. Over to you.

 

Sassenach

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Sassenach
1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

t is important that you do not let your chin drop because we all know you can do it

 

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sunnysideup69
2 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Hope everyone is having a good day. 

 

I’m feeling flat and scared again and struggling to push myself through the day. Guess yesterday was just a lucky blip for now.  Am worrying very much that my mother is going home for a few days and my husband is returning back to work.  I know it sounds pathetic, but I don’t feel ready to be on my own.  I feel like I will run for the Lorazepam or pace the house out of my mind, like I did at the start.  I hope the weather improves. It feels so cold. I really need to find my courage, it’s gone missing today. 

 

Sending hugs, 

 

R xxxxxxxx

 

Hey Rachel

Exactly what Sassenach above said. Yesterday was a lovely window, and now it's happened once, it will happen again.

You don't sound pathetic at all....wondering if you have willing friends who could maybe sit with you a bit during the days whilst your mum is away?

Big hugs to you and sleep well, 

Ruth.

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BreathofAir

I have upset my mother and husband so much by shouting terribly.  I cannot cuddle my daughter to sleep. I am burning with anxiety and can’t stop crying.  I just want the fear to go away and to stop hurting everyone.  I hurt so much this evening.  I am so disoriented.  I was trying so very hard.  I am sorry it is either write it here or scream it in my house. 

 

I need patience, faith and strength. Right now I want to run for a Lorazepam tablet and I know I can’t. I’m in enough trouble as it is.  I know I need to BELIEVE.  I am trying. I am trying. X

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bubble

Yesterday was your true state. What you are going through today is not real you. It's withdrawal. You can't make it go away. I wanted to warn you not to adjust your drugs which is what inexperienced people do when they feel better. I would feel a lot better if you kept all your drugs steady including Zopiclone and Lorazepam. Days like yesterday will return and you will soon return to your real state. It shows you are still there just like the sea deep down stays calm under the most horrible of storms. 

 

Hope it settles down soon. Don't attach too much meaning to it...

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sunnysideup69

Hey @BreathofAir,

Don't beat yourself up....I screamed at my brother and said some awful things last September when I was reinstating.

As bubble says, this is the drugs operating, it's not the real you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Hoping you get some sleep, rest well, tomorrow is a new day.

Sending hugs x

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Sassenach

Rachel are you angry is that why you are shouting ?

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RichT
3 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I have upset my mother and husband so much by shouting terribly.  I cannot cuddle my daughter to sleep. I am burning with anxiety and can’t stop crying.  I just want the fear to go away and to stop hurting everyone.  I hurt so much this evening.  I am so disoriented.  I was trying so very hard.  I am sorry it is either write it here or scream it in my house. 

 

I need patience, faith and strength. Right now I want to run for a Lorazepam tablet and I know I can’t. I’m in enough trouble as it is.  I know I need to BELIEVE.  I am trying. I am trying. X

 

Of course you’re trying, and you’re getting there. Yesterday was a real window - you will have more. 

 

Anger, fear and rage can can be massively heightened by withdrawal. I’ve felt terrible rage at various times and I know if I had felt provoked I would have lashed out too. So, you’re not alone with this. 

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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Sassenach

Good morning Rachel

 

How are you feeling?

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

Good morning Sassenach, 

 

I hope you are continuing to feel well.  Have a great day won’t you. Sending you blessings. 

 

I can’t post anything right now. Struggling. But thank you for asking. 

 

R xxxxxxx

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sunnysideup69

@BreathofAir

Sending you a big hug x

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BreathofAir

I have had a terrible day.  I have not been able to control my anxiety and crying. I have had burning akathisia again.  My husband has been shouting and lost his patience and said ring the Crisis team.  He cannot cope with me and it is distressing us both. My mother went home in tears this morning because she now thinks I’ve gone back to how I was. 

 

I could feel myself slipping quickly yesterday. I am so frightened by my extremely low mood and the anxiety, which seems to be coming at me even harder.  I have been to the counsellor, but struggled because of the anxiety and crying. 

 

I don’t feel the Escitalopram is helping and I don’t know what my next course of action would be. 

 

I am so sorry again . Nobody needs to reply. 

 

I hope everyone has had a better day. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

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Sassenach

Rachel

 

Have you changed any of your meds or doses?

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BreathofAir

No, I just feel like the Escitalopram might be irritating or increasing the anxiety, like it did on start up.  I don’t feel the Lorazepam is helping as much. I’ve probably reached tolerance of it already.  I am so upset.  I should not say it, but my husband wants everything his way at his pace.  It is causing me so much extra distress that there is no stability within the home.  I am so sorry. I sound like a princess, but because I still have SI I can’t cope with a lot right now. 

X

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Sassenach

Stop saying sorry you have done nothing wrong.

Do you feel angry at nothing in paticular or are you just frightened?

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BreathofAir

I’m not angry.  I just don’t feel safe or comfortable on my own and I cannot care for my daughter independently either.  I am afraid and feel under extreme pressure from my mother and husband to stabilise as soon as possible.  My husband is controlling my tablets. I am crying uncontrollably everywhere I go, so it’s been hard in certain situations and to hide it from my daughter.  My husband thinks it’s all psychological and said this afternoon I was self-sabotaging because that’s how my mind works.  He doesn’t believe that I am overwhelmed out of nowhere with physical burning anxiety, which makes it hard to function.  

 

I wish so much that the Escitalopram had worked for me, as it has for you.  But I am very glad for you. 

 

I don’t wish to take up or spoil your evening. I really don’t.  Please have a lovely evening. 

Xxxx

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Sassenach

Rachel

 

Do not disappear at the moment please.

We know your husband wants you well.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists have made a major U turn this week with regards to Antidepressants and Withdrawal.

Tha info is aimed directly at doctors and the way they deal with the above.

You said your husband understands withdrawal, plainly he does not.

If you download this report will he read it, if not will your mum.

This is a major change of attitude particularly for those in situations as bad as yours.

I realise this is probably the last thing you want to think about at the moment but your environment at home needs to change.

Why is your husband in charge of your meds again?

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Sassenach

It is only 4 days since you updosed to 7.5mgs your brain is in turmoil again.

It is likely that you were just settling on the 5mgs when you had the good day and have now got to do it again.

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Sassenach

The reason the Escitalopram is working for me is I have stuck to the same dose for three months.

You can too.

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BreathofAir

My husband does not like negative or catastrophic thinking and feels that the key to recovery is a holistic approach involving food, exercise, distraction, therapy and as little medication as possible and lot of neuroplasticity work doing things when you don’t feel like it.  I agree with all of the above, but my negative thinking starts when home is destabilised or I struggle to control myself.  I just hope for patience and kindness, but I feel like they are angry with me.

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BreathofAir

I feel like the Escitalopram has too much of a job to do given that I’m in withdrawal from high doses of an AD and benzo and a fairly fast taper.  It just seems a lot to ask.  I am afraid my husband will take the Lorazepam away if I don’t feel a bit better soon.  He does not trust me with it.  

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Sassenach

what do you mean does not trust you with it?

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BreathofAir

I think he thinks that I would take extra. I haven’t so far.  But I don’t know what I will do if the Escitalopram does not help.  

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Sassenach

Straight answers Rachel.

Is he afraid you would try and take your own life?

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