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BreathofAir: dual taper mistake


BreathofAir

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No, it is because he feels responsible for the situation I am in now.  I got up to 3mg of Lorazepam a day in Canada because of the switching around of the meds and the large dose they started me on.  But I managed to get myself right down and nearly off.  He said he does not want me to be so drugged up again and is hoping that I will cut the dose of Lorazepam once I start to “improve”.  

 

But it’s not the same as before is it? As we know. I’m not in start-up now in the normal sense. He says he doesn’t like the term “destabilisation”, as no-one can say for sure how up or down-regulated anyone is, and it’s more complicated than that. But all I know is that my brain is extremely anxious and depressed and I want to do things in my own time and feel SAFE.  I want him to understand that when the SI is overwhelming, I can’t just start colouring my mindfulness book. 

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • BreathofAir

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  • Sassenach

    139

  • RichT

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Is your husband a holistic doctor?

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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  • Moderator Emeritus

You said you got yourself right down so you know you can control what you want.

I need to ask again, what are you feeling when you shout at you husband and mum, try and remember the emotion, it is important.

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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No, he’s a GP, but trained in neurology.  

 

I suppose I feel anger when I shout. 

 

Because I think they expect too much too soon and because I also feel that my early homelife caused my anxiety and then my husband perpetuates it. 

 

I am sorry, I know you are not my psychologist.   X

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

OK now we are getting somewhere, I think.

The anger is part of withdrawal and stabilising. Find and read the symptoms and you will see that is not your fault but neither is you family's fault.

I have experienced the anger but not the fear, I can imagine it  is like being a cornered animal. Natural reaction lash out.

I still think your husband is controlling and you should talk to either your GP or counsellor about this.

Doctors pretty much all to seem to think they are infallible.

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Here is the link to the report. Please download and print copies to give to your husband, mum, GP and counsellor.

There is no criticism of doctors, it simply concludes they have been working with incorrect information.

If your husband dismisses it would say a lot.

 

 

 

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/news-and-features/latest-news/detail/2019/05/29/rcpsych-calls-on-nice-to-update-its-antidepressant-withdrawal-advice

 

I will have to go shortly Rachel, how are you feeling now.

 

Sassenach

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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The counsellor picked it out straightaway.  

 

He just sees it as doing his best for me. 

 

Thank you for talking to me Sassenach. I appreciate it wholeheartedly.  Please enjoy the rest of your evening. 

 

I hope you sleep well. Bless you so much. 

 

Xxxxxx 

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • Mentor
11 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Here is the link to the report. Please download and print copies to give to your husband, mum, GP and counsellor.

There is no criticism of doctors, it simply concludes they have been working with incorrect information.

If your husband dismisses it would say a lot.

 

 

 

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/news-and-features/latest-news/detail/2019/05/29/rcpsych-calls-on-nice-to-update-its-antidepressant-withdrawal-advice

 

I will have to go shortly Rachel, how are you feeling now.

 

Sassenach

 

‘That’s a really good suggestion Sassenach.

 

Rachel, the full report is linked to from the press release that Sassenach has sent you. That might be helpful reading for your husband. 

 

Warmest wishes,

 

‘’Rich

 = medication taken now

2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg

2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg 

2007 citalopram to present 40mg 
2018 March Abilify 5mg  
2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off

2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out

2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day 

2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 

2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg

2022 October began taper of Abilify
 

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Thank you @RichT

 

I hope you are feeling better yourself. I know you’ve been stressed, tired and frustrated.  It will all come back. You have the right mindset.   Can you play the harmonica? I’ve always wanted to learn. 

 

My husband agrees with long tapers and that withdrawal exists.  He just doesn’t understand how anxiety and extreme agitation feel and what it does to you. 

 

I hope your stepfather makes a full recovery.  Sending my best wishes. 

 

I hope you sleep well and keep healing. Bless you Rich. 

 

R xxxxxxxx

 

 

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • Mentor

Hi Rachel,

 

thanks! Do you think your husband understands the 'windows and waves' of withdrawal? It sounds like he expects you to be on a steady upward curve, which isn't realistic. Apologies if I've misread the situation!

 

warm wishes

 

Rich

 

 

 

 = medication taken now

2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg

2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg 

2007 citalopram to present 40mg 
2018 March Abilify 5mg  
2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off

2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out

2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day 

2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 

2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg

2022 October began taper of Abilify
 

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Hi Rich, 

 

Yes he understands it’s not linear.  He just believes very strongly in the power of positive thinking and gets incredibly frustrated with my “cognitive distortions”.  I just find it hard not to be scared, especially because of my daughter.  Right now my husband is putting her to bed and they are laughing and cuddling.  Because I’m crying uncontrollably at the moment I don’t let her see.  Its just very painful and taking some time to get used to because I went through this before and hoped it was somewhere I would never go back. 

 

I know I must be strong, and being around the lovely people on here really helps. I so appreciate your time and thoughts. You are very kind indeed. 

 

R xxxx

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • Mentor

Hi Rachel,

 

‘Cognitive distortions’ - well, we all have some of those! 

 

You don't need to be strong - in fact I don’t think it’s possible during withdrawal. Your husband does seem to be pushing you too hard. As Sass says, you could discuss this with your counsellor.

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

 = medication taken now

2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg

2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg 

2007 citalopram to present 40mg 
2018 March Abilify 5mg  
2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off

2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out

2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day 

2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 

2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg

2022 October began taper of Abilify
 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Rachel -

Sorry to have gone off the grid temporarily. Duty calls. Even though I'm in a wave right now, I am still able to work, which is something that was out of the question until I quit changing my dose around. Let that sink in for a bit. I've stayed put on a dose for 10 weeks now, and I'm getting more functional. You know what to do, sweetie. You are seeing firsthand what happens when you change dosages. 

 

I know your husband means well, but if withdrawal was curable by thinking positively, none of us would need SA. Of course it helps us heal, but it alone cannot control withdrawal symptoms, which is what you are experiencing. Nothing you describe sounds unlike withdrawal. 

 

In addition to the article @Sassenach sent, do you think your husband might be willing to read some success stories on this site? There are many people who were just as badly off, if not worse, than you are now and they have gone on to heal completely. I'm sure, as a physician, he views this site with some skepticism. My cousin is an MD and he did too, at first. But he did a little reading at my request, both on SA and other sources, and now is rethinking his own prescribing and treatment habits.

 

I have great concern that, although well-intentioned, your family is going to lead you down a disastrous path. Any method which does not include staying absolutely, positively, totally, completely, 100% steady on all dosages is highly likely to destabilize you even further. It is the opposite direction in which you need to be heading right now, in my opinion. Please please please do not let yourself be persuaded, cajoled, guilted or bullied into doing anything you don't wish to do - not by anyone!  Everyone here wants you to feel better, improve, and ultimately succeed in getting free of these meds. Slow, steady and stable is the way to get that done.

2016 - Zoloft 50 mg for klonopin w/d

Approx. Nov 2017 - successful taper of klonopin; Approx. Jan. 2018 - rapid taper Zoloft over 2 wks - no w/d symptoms; May 2018 - Reinstate 50 mg Zoloft per doctor; Aug 2018 - Rapid taper Zoloft over 3-4 weeks - no w/d symptoms for 1 mo.; Late Oct 2018 - pdoc rx'd 5mg lexapro -took for 1 wk; Early Nov 2018 - Reinstate 25 mg Zoloft; updose to 37.5 on Nov 28, 2018; Nov 30 2018 - returned to 25mg Zoloft upon mod. advice; Dec 9 - Dec10 2018 - 12.5mg zoloft liquid+12.5mg zoloft pill; Dec 11 2018 - 25mg zoloft all liquid; Feb 14 2019 - updosed to 26.25 mg liquid; Mar 6 2019 - updosed to 26.88 mg liquid - new symptoms; Mar 13 2019 - back down to 26.25 mg per mod suggestion

Dose Changes: Dec 2 2019 - 5% to 25mg; Jan 14 2020 - 10% to 22.5 (increase in sxs all month); Mar 10-15? 2020,  accidental updose to 25mg; Mar 22 2020 - back down to 22.5mg; Apr 12 2020 - 2.5% to 21.94mg; Apr 19 2020 - 2.5% to 21.375mg (symptom increase); May 17 2020 - 2.5% to 20.625mg; May 24 2020 - 2.5% to 20.1mg - Jun 14 2020 - noticed uptick in symptoms settled 2 days later - July 10 2020 - onset of wave

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  • Moderator Emeritus

You've had some better days, so now you know your system can improve.  It will happen again if you just sit tight and don't make any changes. 

 

It's not good for your system to be shouting and arguing.  Your husband needs to understand that by pressuring you he is actually making your condition worse, and he can help you best by being kind and gentle.  Surely as a doctor, he knows that stress stimulates the fight-or-flight response of the sympathetic nervous system, which is the opposite of what you need.  Kindness, gentleness, patience and time are the healers.

 

Relaxation exercises done regularly will also be very helpful for calming your nervous system.  Hold on, you will get back to better days.

2001–2002 paroxetine

2003  citalopram

2004-2008  paroxetine (various failed tapers) 
2008  paroxetine slow taper down to

2016  Aug off paroxetine
2016  citalopram May 20mg  Oct 15mg … slow taper down
2018  citalopram 13 Feb 4.6mg 15 Mar 4.4mg 29 Apr 4.2mg 6 Jul 4.1mg 17 Aug 4.0mg  18 Nov 3.8mg
2019  15 Mar 3.6mg  21 May 3.4mg  26 Dec 3.2mg 

2020  19 Feb 3.0mg 19 Jul 2.9mg 16 Sep 2.8mg 25 Oct 2.7mg 23 Oct 2.6mg 24 Dec 2.5mg

2021   29 Aug 2.4mg   15 Nov 2.3mg

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  • Moderator Emeritus
13 minutes ago, Songbird said:

Relaxation exercises done regularly will also be very helpful for calming your nervous system. 

 

Set a reminder several times a day so that you do this.  Every little bit of "down time" that we give our nervous system is helpful.  And after practising it for a while it become easier and second nature.

 

 

When people who love us see us in distress/hurting they want to help to stop it.  Men usually have a tendency to want to try and fix things and when they can't they can feel helpless and can become frustrated.  I had a melt down once and I understood that my boyfriend wouldn't know what to do and/or say and I said to him "just hold me".

 

helping-family-understand

 

support-for-those-in-withdrawal-who-struggle-with-family-friends-not-understanding-from-baylissa-frederick

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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Hey @BreathofAir

I'm so sorry to read the latest updates. Sounds like your husband really does need to do some reading on withdrawal. 

My God, I wish we COULD all positive think our way out of symptoms. Its hard for anyone to understand, not having experienced it first hand. 

He needs to do a bit of work on his bedside manner...... You don't need additional stress at the moment. 

This may not even be a possibility, but I'm just wondering if there's somewhere else you could recover for a day or two? Wondering when your hub and daughter are off on hol, am sure you'll miss your family but it may also give you some respite from the added pressure at the moment. Also, can the crisis team (not sure if they are involved.....) talk to your hub about you needing to be in control of your own meds? 

In the meantime, everyone has posted excellent links for you. I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love and good wishes. X

January 2008 to April 2015 Citalopram 20mg to 5mg, reducing in 50 per cent leaps. Jumped off at 5mg

March 2016 used MDMA triggered setback

April 2016 Citalopram 10mg October 2016 cut to 5mg, May 2017 cut to 2.5mg

May 2018 used MDMA triggered setback

June 2018 Citalopram 2.5mg up to 10mg, then back to 5mg

July/ August 2018 7.5mg, then 10mg

June 2019 updosed to 20mg Citalopram

August 2019 cold switch to Venlafaxine 75mg XR

Supplements; 1100mg fish oil daily; also 100mg Magnesium Glycinate. Tried Vagifem 10mcg from mid May 2021 to mid June 2021; caused depression, so stopped.

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Good morning Rachel how are you doing today.

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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Thank you so much to you all, 

 

I have been out a little this morning, but have come back home. 

 

I really feel very odd and uncomfortable, feeling sick, that there is too much noise in my head, that I can’t move or operate at a normal speed.  The burning anxiety and agitation is not being helped by the Lorazepam, which I took at the usual time.  I am just getting constant breakthroughs and flares of severe anxiety and SI and jitteriness.  

 

I feel ghastly.  I don’t know if the dose change was too much.  I feel I am in even bigger trouble if I don’t at least get some control. I am trying to stay calm, but there feels to be a lot of warning alarms going off somewhere. Does anyone understand this feeling? 

 

I am so sorry, I just wanted to feel better.  Bless you all and hope you are having a good day. 

 

R xxxx

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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@BreathofAir

Dear Rachel, updosing is quite likely to have given you symptoms again. Changing doses provokes effects. They will go away, though. It's a waiting game.

If you look at my sig and see what I did last summer, every time i increased by 2.5 I had a week's window and then increased anxiety/depression. And yes, horrible intrusive SI on a couple of occasions, which frightened the life out of me. It's not you, it's the drug.

 

That's why I eventually said 'no more.' I stopped, and gradually settled.

 

So sorry it's ghastly right now, but it will eventually settle. 

January 2008 to April 2015 Citalopram 20mg to 5mg, reducing in 50 per cent leaps. Jumped off at 5mg

March 2016 used MDMA triggered setback

April 2016 Citalopram 10mg October 2016 cut to 5mg, May 2017 cut to 2.5mg

May 2018 used MDMA triggered setback

June 2018 Citalopram 2.5mg up to 10mg, then back to 5mg

July/ August 2018 7.5mg, then 10mg

June 2019 updosed to 20mg Citalopram

August 2019 cold switch to Venlafaxine 75mg XR

Supplements; 1100mg fish oil daily; also 100mg Magnesium Glycinate. Tried Vagifem 10mcg from mid May 2021 to mid June 2021; caused depression, so stopped.

 

 

 

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Thank you @Ruthmcg

 

Tried to go out this afternoon, but back home again.  

I can barely function with this level of physical and mental anxiety and I don’t know how people carry on and live their lives. Being in the house with my daughter is causing me such emotional distress.  

 

I understand everyone would like to be off the drugs, but for me, all I care about right now is surviving and at least having some sign the Escitalopram is working, not making things worse. 

 

I can’t see everybody’s signature, so I must have different settings. 

 

Thank you once again for your support and advice. I hope you are feeling better yourself. 

 

Bless you, 

R xxxxxx

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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Goodnight and bless you everyone. Sleep and heal well.  

 

“Although the world is full of suffering, 

 it is also full of the overcoming of it”. 

 Helen Keller

 

🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

Link to comment

Please can someone write anything to me before I go to bed.  Just anything kind. 

I have just had something really cruel and terrible said to me.  

 

I am sorry to ask again and be struggling like this. I just need to hear some kindness. 

 

Thank you xxxxx

 

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Rachel, 

 

You do not deserve what is happening to you.

A bright and intelligent young woman does not deserve to be treated like this.

When you go to bed think of the great day out you had with your daughter.

Forget this for tonightbut the person who is doing this is beneath contempt.

You have a great sense of humour when it is given the chance to show.

Try and rest, regain your composure and be ready tofight back

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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  • Administrator

Hello, Breath. I'm sorry you're upset, and right before bed, too. Breathe through it, you're doing the best you can, don't lose patience with yourself.

 

Remind yourself: You've made significant progress lately. You will get through this, and beautifully.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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You're a lovely person, anyone who can't see that is an idiot, quite frankly. I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm concerned about your situation. Like Sassenach says, think about your lovely daughter and to h*** with anyone else. Please also maybe call or text your counsellor and let them know about this, also your crisis team. Not now, but when you can.

You're making amazing progress. You deserve support and love.

 

Sending you good wishes for a good night's sleep.

January 2008 to April 2015 Citalopram 20mg to 5mg, reducing in 50 per cent leaps. Jumped off at 5mg

March 2016 used MDMA triggered setback

April 2016 Citalopram 10mg October 2016 cut to 5mg, May 2017 cut to 2.5mg

May 2018 used MDMA triggered setback

June 2018 Citalopram 2.5mg up to 10mg, then back to 5mg

July/ August 2018 7.5mg, then 10mg

June 2019 updosed to 20mg Citalopram

August 2019 cold switch to Venlafaxine 75mg XR

Supplements; 1100mg fish oil daily; also 100mg Magnesium Glycinate. Tried Vagifem 10mcg from mid May 2021 to mid June 2021; caused depression, so stopped.

 

 

 

Link to comment

I have no fight right now. Today has exhausted me. I am so sorry.  I don’t feel I have support or understanding, but the hospital was so dreadful.  I am so terrified because my anxiety is getting worse.  I am thinking of somewhere I can go.  My mother said I will lose my daughter.  The Crisis team are on answer service.  

I just want to get well as best I can.  Xxxx

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

are you saying our mother is the one who upset you?

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

Link to comment
6 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

I have no fight right now. Today has exhausted me. I am so sorry.  I don’t feel I have support or understanding, but the hospital was so dreadful.  I am so terrified because my anxiety is getting worse.  I am thinking of somewhere I can go.  My mother said I will lose my daughter.  The Crisis team are on answer service.  

I just want to get well as best I can.  Xxxx

 

Can totally understand. You don't have anything to be sorry for...you are just trying to recover, and in difficult circumstances. It seems like the best thing for now is to try to get some rest. Will include you in my prayers tonight.

January 2008 to April 2015 Citalopram 20mg to 5mg, reducing in 50 per cent leaps. Jumped off at 5mg

March 2016 used MDMA triggered setback

April 2016 Citalopram 10mg October 2016 cut to 5mg, May 2017 cut to 2.5mg

May 2018 used MDMA triggered setback

June 2018 Citalopram 2.5mg up to 10mg, then back to 5mg

July/ August 2018 7.5mg, then 10mg

June 2019 updosed to 20mg Citalopram

August 2019 cold switch to Venlafaxine 75mg XR

Supplements; 1100mg fish oil daily; also 100mg Magnesium Glycinate. Tried Vagifem 10mcg from mid May 2021 to mid June 2021; caused depression, so stopped.

 

 

 

Link to comment

Thank you so much. 

 

The last three days my anxiety has increased significantly.  I haven’t changed anything since going to 7.5mg and am worried that the Escitalopram is just aggravating things rather than it being ‘start up’ or dose increase anxiety.  My function has totally crashed and I’ve really gone backwards.  

 

I know everyone is sick of me.  I am trying to be strong and each day I try. I just get yelled at if I need to lie down because the burning causes me breathing trouble or I can’t face people because of crying. 

 

I just want everyone to know that I’m trying.  You are all so very kind.  Bless you all. Please sleep and heal well. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Mentor

Hi Rachel,

 

you will not lose your daughter, that’s a stupid and cruel thing to say. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having to deal with this.

 

You will recover. Look at DejaVu’s story if you want some inspiration. It will take time, but you are already making good progress.

 

sleep well

 

R

 = medication taken now

2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg

2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg 

2007 citalopram to present 40mg 
2018 March Abilify 5mg  
2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off

2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out

2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day 

2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 

2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg

2022 October began taper of Abilify
 

Link to comment

Hi Rich, 

 

Thank you.  That wasn’t the worst thing that was said, but I would not repeat it here.  It was my husband saying the very worst thing when someone is so frightened and doesn’t see a light.  

 

I am sorry to be upsetting everyone again. I tried to calm myself, but it has hurt very much and I know I have to find a different place to recover because I don’t feel safe here anymore. 

 

Thank you for all your kindness and support.  Bless you. Heal well and sleep well. 

 

R xxxxxxx

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

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  • Mentor
2 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Hi Rich, 

 

Thank you.  That wasn’t the worst thing that was said, but I would not repeat it here.  It was my husband saying the very worst thing when someone is so frightened and doesn’t see a light.  

 

I am sorry to be upsetting everyone again. I tried to calm myself, but it has hurt very much and I know I have to find a different place to recover because I don’t feel safe here anymore. 

 

Thank you for all your kindness and support.  Bless you. Heal well and sleep well. 

 

R xxxxxxx

 

Its safe to repeat it here if it would help you, whatever it is

 

R

 = medication taken now

2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg

2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg 

2007 citalopram to present 40mg 
2018 March Abilify 5mg  
2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off

2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out

2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day 

2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 

2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg

2022 October began taper of Abilify
 

Link to comment

The moderators would not allow it and it’s too awful.  

 

I essentially know that if it was just myself and my husband he wouldn’t care less what I did, but we have a daughter.  I know what this is doing to my family, but they expect me to go quicker than I can and if I show so much as a glimmer of improvement, they expect even more.  They have no tolerance for going to bed or crying.  It causes me to keep so much tension in or hide from them.  I can’t even begin to relax, even if I could.  I feel frightened being left on my own, but can only really deal with minimal talking and gentle company. I know this sounds precious.  They hound me and I have tried to talk to them. The Crisis team talked to them, but it doesn’t change their approach.  I know they in turn are frightened and frustrated, but they go too far and aren’t satisfied with anything I can accomplish during the day.  

 

I am so sorry to rant like this.  I hope you are feeling better yourself.  I really appreciate you talking to me very much. 

Xxxxxxxx

 

 

Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia)

Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately 

Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18

Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 

Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18

Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present

April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. 

CRASH 24 April 2019  Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly.

Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th

Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Mentor
37 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

The moderators would not allow it and it’s too awful.  

 

I essentially know that if it was just myself and my husband he wouldn’t care less what I did, but we have a daughter.  I know what this is doing to my family, but they expect me to go quicker than I can and if I show so much as a glimmer of improvement, they expect even more.  They have no tolerance for going to bed or crying.  It causes me to keep so much tension in or hide from them.  I can’t even begin to relax, even if I could.  I feel frightened being left on my own, but can only really deal with minimal talking and gentle company. I know this sounds precious.  They hound me and I have tried to talk to them. The Crisis team talked to them, but it doesn’t change their approach.  I know they in turn are frightened and frustrated, but they go too far and aren’t satisfied with anything I can accomplish during the day.  

 

I am so sorry to rant like this.  I hope you are feeling better yourself.  I really appreciate you talking to me very much. 

Xxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

So sorry to hear this, Rachel. I completely relate to what you say about minimal talking and gentle company. That’s not precious! I remember feeling exactly the same when I was suffering depression and anxiety. Talking is too hard, but quiet and restful human company is nice. That’s just what you need.

 

I think you need to talk to your crisis team as soon as you can get through to them.

 

i’m so sorry it’s come to this.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

 = medication taken now

2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg

2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg 

2007 citalopram to present 40mg 
2018 March Abilify 5mg  
2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off

2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out

2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day 

2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 

2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg

2022 October began taper of Abilify
 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
2 hours ago, RichT said:

 

Its safe to repeat it here if it would help you, whatever it is

 

R

Not clear if it is safe on here rich these are open forums they can be visited by visitors while not logged in speak to you tomorrow about how we're going to deal with this goodnight

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

If you are still awake racial Rachel try and have a good night and maybe the time has come to change things beginning tomorrow we will make no attempt to force you to do anything you do not want to do but maybe we can make a better solution than you have a present sleep tight sassenach

Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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