ChromeChinchilla: hey there - Prozac 60mg, time to get off

December 2, 2021

10 minutes ago, ChromeChinchilla said:

Holding my taper until January when all the holiday stuff is out of the way.

Good idea. Even if you enjoy Christmas it can be stressful (good stress) at this time of the year. We have members whose symptoms have increased when they have gone/returned from a (wanted) holiday.

December 2, 2021

16 hours ago, ChromeChinchilla said:

Will probably try for monthly updates now just to touch base and have another place to look to when I'm in waves. Speaking of, i'm kind of in a wave right now. Yesterday I was anxious and weepy and couldn't really relax or distract very well, but I got through it, today is better but not great. One of the most concerning symptoms I have on the physical side is GI trouble, inconsistent apatite and weight loss. I'm down 40 lbs from 210 to 170 over the past 5 or so months. Elimination diet didn't really yield any definitive results when cutting out then reintroducing gluten, nuts and dairy one by one. I've got an appointment with a GI specialist later this month with an endoscopy/coloscopy on the table. Looking around here and on the internet in general, it seems like doing them with no sedation isn't the worst thing in the world, so i'll see if that's an option for me.

Over all I feel like i'm doing ok, for sure better than a few months ago, but the last few day have for sure remined me that i'm living kind of a half-life. But it wont last forever, one day I will be fully myself again.

Red: 0
Yellow: 7
Green: 26
Blue: 11

More blue and less yellow than last month. Green days aren't great, very much 'half-life' but they're much better than being in active crisis mode, so i'm thankful for what seems to be some consistent, albeit slow, healing. Holding my taper until January when all the holiday stuff is out of the way.

what do you define as a red or yellow day ?

December 2, 2021

Yellow for me typically means restlessness or Neuro emotions get out of hand to the point I can't really distract. I'll find myself pacing, music will be actively annoying and nothing can really hold my attention or feel good. It usually comes with weeping energy where I just sort of sob and pace and feel like I'm broken or crazy. However , yellow also means that it doesn't last all day.

A red day is where it lasts all day , or is off the scales intensity for a good chunk of it. I haven't had red days since my crash in May and honestly try not to think about them too much.

December 2, 2021

Thank you a - I want to start labeling my days like this to see trends.

What if you are red for a few hours during the day? Do you count that as yellow? I seem to be getting a lot of half and half - my last two evenings were filled with despair/depression with an OK but restless afternoons.

By the way do you still deal with morning anxiety? Waking up with immediate cortisol rush?

December 2, 2021

Sorry I don’t mean to bring up any bad memories

December 2, 2021

I'd probably grade the day red-yellow in a case like that. A lot of my days are mix rated. "Today was green-blue " "today was yellow-green". When I tallied them up I just counted each mention of any colour as 1. I think next month I'll add the split days as their own categories for a clearer picture of what's going on. A yellow-green day and a yellow day are different beasts after all. Though at the same time I'm trying to just so this sort of passively if that makes sense. So if there is a trend of not great colour days or weeks it doesn't upset me too much.

I very much still have a pattern of worse in the morning , better late afternoon and night for the most part. But over all its less intense than it was in may/June. Back then when I woke up I couldn't stay in bed. I felt too restless, but I couldn't really focus on doing anything , so I just sort of sobbed and paced or went on a walk and tried to deep breathe until my body relaxed. For the past couple months I wake up, feel worse than I did when i went to sleep but can doze in bed or watch something on Netflix and feel kind of ok with it. Although I have had a few days when I've woken up and thought/felt "today's going to be good" and it's gotten worse feeling shortly after. But I've also had a few days where I think "today's going to be good" and it's turned out to be true. Healing from this stuff is not a straight line, that's for sure.

December 2, 2021

22 minutes ago, Ktven48 said:

Sorry I don’t mean to bring up any bad memories

It's ok. If I wasn't up for sharing my experience right now I wouldn't be replying to my thread. I don't like to dwell, but if me rambling a bit can help anyone, even a little ,that's a different thing.

I hope you get some blue days soon. I know you've been struggling a lot lately, but it will get better.

December 2, 2021

@ChromeChinchilla, so. . .

blue is good, peaceful, symptom-free

green is good with minor symptoms

yellow is some symptoms but some good

red is pretty awful?

I really want to start using this to spot patterns. I’m going to use a blank printed out calendar.

Yes, thank you, you are helping us!

December 2, 2021

1 hour ago, deg1979 said:

@ChromeChinchilla, so. . .

blue is good, peaceful, symptom-free

green is good with minor symptoms

yellow is some symptoms but some good

red is pretty awful?

That's about the size of it. Green is i guess the trickiest/kind of misleading title wise , since green means go usually. For me It's kind of just being/existing. I wouldn't personally call it "good" in the normal sense, but compared to yellow or red (full crisis for me ) it is. It's a liveable withdraw normal. Its symptoms are all low and minor, but there's still a sort of veil that feels like it's separating me from the real me/the world. When the veil lifts that's when green becomes blue and i consider it a full window.

December 2, 2021

@ChromeChinchilla, OK, that makes sense. Green is go, as in you CAN go, but it’s not 100% you. And Blue is more like 100% you, full window, at peace. That makes sense.

Thank you. (And I appreciate you knowing your it’s from your its—I guess it’s the OCD in me—I used to be a copy editor.)

January 15, 2022

Little update here. Situational factors have gotten worse in the past few weeks. Husband has been to the ER for physical issues three times since December 20th, we now know what's going on and although its not life threatening or anything, it's requiring him to be on some pain pills (Which worries me in the long term) and he might need surgery down the road. He's taking them as sparingly as possible, nowhere near as much as is prescribed. That was really stressful obviously, waking up in the middle of the night to have to go to the ER for 6+ hours at a time, but I didn't have a panic attack or freak out in the fall out from it, so I guess I'm a little stronger than I know.

Big wave of anhedonia has set in lately, which kind of makes sense. Went through a really stressful non WD related couple of weeks. It seems like we have some answers and he's feeling a fair bit better, so the stress is decreased and I'm in recovery mode myself I guess. It's a bit frustrating that in eight months I've only tapered .6mg, but I'm going to be delaying for at least another week or two before I try dropping down again. I want off this stuff, but I don't want to have horrible waves , especially if there's a risk for also having stress from my husband's health stuff. I know I'll have to taper through regular life stress stuff, because life always has stress, but I think its smart to wait for things to reach a more normal level before i try my next 2.5% drop.

Red: 1
Yellow: 13
Green: 24
Blue: 4

Missed a few days documentation, but over all December was a bit worse than November, even before the husband health stuff. It's a non linear process though, so I'm trying to hope the coming months are more like November, or even better.

May 5, 2022

Well here I am again.

Since the 27th my anxiety and just over all sense of withdrawal brain and body have been sort of up and down. This is after months of being withdrawal normal. Not great, but able to exist and even enjoy things a bit sometimes. Yesterday it spilled over into a full, sobbing, weeping, pacing, SI filled episode followed by just numb and anxious all day. The same thing happened today, and in a lot of ways its feeling like last year's may all over again. I should say though, that after the weeping and pacing panic type episode is over , i'm able to sit and listen to music or watch a non stressful show and just kind of, be ok with it. Last year, that wasn't a possibility after an attack.

Now i'm not sure why this is happening, but there are a few possibilities and I guess i just want peoples opinions.

1.) It's May again. Now may isn't a hard month for me emotionally in any way i know of. But lookin back, my first bout with this crap was May 2019, the one in 2021 was April-May, and here I am again, end of May, beginning of April, feeling miserable. I live in Oklahoma, so its storm season. The tornado warnings and sirens dont bug me deeply as far as i can tell, but maybe it's affecting me on a level i don't realize. Maybe it's the transition from winter to spring.

2.) It was my seven year anniversary on the second, and my husband and I spent the weakened at a hotel. It was withdrawal normal levels of good and enjoyable. We mostly just relaxed at the hotel, went to some nice dinners, and walked around a nice botanical park. The first night there however i realized much to my horror AFTER eating it ,that my entre was served in a cognac sauce. Accidental alcohol setback?

3.) I started tapering again, but the amounts were so tiny, i don't know if that could be the cause.

I'm hoping whatever this is it's short lived, but i can't help but worry it's another full crash, and i honestly don't know how many of those I have left in me. Tapering is obviously paused again.

May 5, 2022

Yup, this is not a normal wave as I know them. Woke up three hours earlier than usual , feeling exhausted and like I had a dozen cups of coffee(which I haven't touched in years ) . Restless, weepy, SI, unable to enjoy or focus on distractions. Heart rate is 110 just laying in bed deep breathing. I haven't felt this way in many months.

I know the solution is to just try and relax and wait for it to pass, it's just so scary and frustrating and uncomfortable. Fingers crossed this is just a weird, bad wave from the accidental alcohol and not me fully crashing again. It honestly feels that way right now. Part of me is feeling defiant and "brave" in a "i've done this before and gotten better, and i'll do it again", part of me is just terrified, hopeless and mourning what feels like a life lost.

May 6, 2022

Stress can be caused by different things. We have members who have experienced worsening of their symptoms before/during/after a holiday even though they wanted to go. Just a change in routine and environment can cause additional stress.

May 15, 2022

On 5/6/2022 at 2:32 AM, ChessieCat said:

Stress can be caused by different things. We have members who have experienced worsening of their symptoms before/during/after a holiday even though they wanted to go. Just a change in routine and environment can cause additional stress.

Thanks for popping in and reassuring me, sometimes it just feels overwhelming and hearing things from the "experts" really helps.

Seems likely that it was the change of scenery/excitement made a fair bit worse by the accidental booze. For that week my heart rate was high even when sitting around doing nothing and i just felt so wired and, unwell. Things have settled down a bit, but i'd for sure say still in a wave. A few of the days have been ok though, and on even had blips of feeling normal. There was a good hour long period on the 10th where i thought "Maybe this was all in my head.". I know it's not, but when i feel/think that, its a sign i'm feeling pretty normal. Those moments really give me hope that one day I'll not only feel like myself again, but be unable to fully remember/feel just how bad things were at times through this process.

Heart rate has returned to normal for the post part. Still feel both weirdly agitated but tired at the same time, but its tolerable. Gonna hold and hopefully keep things stable and tolerable till the wave ends, then do a baby taper from 10.2 to 10 then see how i feel and move on from there. Single digits are within reach ,but i wont be rushing.

May 18, 2022

Hey @ChromeChinchilla

Just read through your thread and wanted to touch base. I am also tapering Prozac. I’m stuck at 10 mg and have been holding for 5.5 months now. I’ll spare you all the gory details, but I was on 12.5mg liquid for some time, i apparently ended up with an expired bottle (will never know that for sure but it’s my best guess) and hit acute on thanksgiving day of last year. Dec 4 I switched to brand name 10 mg Prozac capsule (god it’s expensive) thinking the generic just totally crapped out on me. The expired theory came later as I would have just stayed in the liquid as I moved to the liquid a while back to taper eventually. Now, sometime, I need to switch back to the liquid, which means a switch back to the generic. I’m thinking compounding pharmacy as the generic brands use alcohol in their “blends” and the compounder will use a clean suspension…not something I’m looking forward to. Ok, I’m rambling.

Either way, I’ve been hanging at the 10mg brand capsule since Dec 4 2021 and have had good days, bad days, awful days, mixed days, etc. Using your color system, most days are probably mixed at this point, yellow green. Yesterday was dark yellow, today so far is Greenish. The other night was red for like 30 minutes with green the whole day preceding the red. I’ve had a few good runs for several days where I feel like I’ve escaped, but reality comes crashing down with another wave, which vary in intensity.

Wrt symptoms, I won’t get into them here but if you’re interested they are on my intro thread. I have some that overlap with yours, and some that don’t, one particularly strange one that is bothersome and does make me feel like I’m losing it when it comes on.

anyway, I know you know this, but just letting you know you’re not alone in this and that we are Prozac buddies I’m desperately waiting for stabilization and feel like it should have came by now, often Question if the Prozac has gone paradoxical, question my sanity, all these things. In other words, I’m rigjt there with you.

i think You’re doing great, hang in there! Even if it’s by a thread sometimes lol.

May 20, 2022

Ideally no one else would ever have to go through this, but outside of that perfect world example, it's comforting to know there are others with similar drug histories going through similar stuff. If I was going through this solo i'd think I was going crazy by this point, that's for sure.

I took a little look through your thread and am really sorry to hear about your crash from the expired liquid/drop/generic to brand name change. I can definitely relate as you've seen from my history. Crashes are for sure no fun. After my last crash I was in a pretty rough state for several months, but I DID get slow improvements and eventually started to see real stabilization around 5-6 months, so hopefully you're coming up on that yourself.

After my weird, more intense than usual wave a couple weeks ago I'm actually trending upwards from what I can tell. Using the ol' color rating, I've had three days that have been green-blue, with moments where I felt "Hey, maybe i'm all better.". I don't think I'm there yet, but I only have thoughts like that when i'm in/heading to a proper window. I'm sure you know the feeling. The real comforting thought though is that one day the window will truly be fully open forever and we can get on with our lives and enjoy normal ups and downs. I truly hope we both get there sooner rather than later. Until that time though, one foot in front of the other, slow, steady and simple.

June 27, 2022

Just a little update here. I'm doing ok, not great, but ok. Going off of how I was feeling this time last year i've for sure made improvements in a lot of ways, but none of it is in a "Hey this is *fully* better type way." It's hard to believe some days that I'll fully heal and feel like myself, but I know if i just keep going forward carefully and mindfully, that it will happen. Every wave I have is one wave closer to never having one again.

Big things right now are just, near constant background restless anxiety that I cant quite get rid of, while at the same time ,just low interest/enjoyment/drive from things that I used to love. Very much just existing rather than living. I guess rumination is pretty big too. I sometimes think back to just how horrible it's been in the past, when i'd be pacing and weeping and just living minute to minute and i am petrified of ending up in that state again. But i try to let the thoughts pass through and not dwell on them. When I can't shake them, i just try to assure myself that *If* it happens again(and its not a guarantee that it will) that I got through them before, and will get through them again.

After pausing for almost a year, transitioning from pill to liquid then doing a few, sporadic , baby tapers I'm going to try to get tapering in earnest, while listening to my body of course. Going to try 5-8% brass monkey starting next week, then see how I feel and decide what to do going forward. I'm a bit worried about getting to the lower doses cuz of SERT occupancy curve, but as long as i go slow and listen, I should be fine. Some people even feel *better* as they get into the low numbers, so as always, no sense in worrying.

February 29

Hey there everyone it's been a long time,

I have a history of being pretty long winded so I'm going to do my best to keep this readable and sensible for anyone who wants to take a look. This is sort of two years in one update though so it's going to have a bit of length to it. I have wanted to do an update before this but for various reasons kept putting it off. The important one I think is that as amazing and lifesaving as this website is, in the past I've gotten up in my head in a sort of reading other people's stories and problems and worrying about/seeing them as a mirror of mine(But often only with the negative stuff, not the recovery...silly how that works.) So all in all I think the best thing for myself is to come here sparingly for updates and maybe some advice and then eventually leave a nice recovery story for other people and move on with my life.

So update time. As you can see from my chart I haven't really done much tapering. The last year and a half or so has been very trying for me in ways unrelated to tapering. My husband had some health problems, the largest of which meant he needed to have open heart surgery to get one of his valves replaced. As selfish as it sounds a big worry for me during the entire process was that I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it from my end of things. If it would set me back, if I would feel well enough to take care of him like he would doubtless need. I was so worried for him and so worried for myself. But you know what? We got through it and if I may say so, got through it rather well on both of our ends. We traveled across the country to Cleveland to get his surgery with the help of an amazing friend and his parents. His surgery went perfectly and he was an absolute champ during recovery in the hospital. Much to my relief I was able to be there for him every step of the way. We came home and he needed a lot of help with things for the first couple of weeks to a month and I was able to pick up the slack and take care of him with no real waves or anything. After that when he was feeling better he started physical therapy and was an absolute champ again, and on my end, I was able to go with him to nearly every PT session which is something I very much wanted to be able to do. I had I think just one(maybe two)waves during that process. They sucked at the time but looking at them objectively, they weren't as long or as rough as previous waves I've endured.

That's the major reason why I didn't taper much/at all over a good deal of the time since my last post. After he was fully recovered life went back to normal in the day to day sense and after a while I was thinking that I could maybe start tapering, but didn't out of fear of "Well things are ok now, what if tapering makes them worse". I am pretty stable as far as things in this process go. My waves are fewer in number as well as shorter and less intense when they do happen. I track my daily sort of wellness with a colour system and when I last posted the norm was green-yellowish with occasional blips of blue(blue being feeling pretty much normal) and now the norm is green-blueish with occasional blips of yellow. I do have some new struggles though which are a good chunk of the reason that I haven't tapered even though my husband has long since recovered. I have some OCD issues to put it mildly. Their focus changes from time to time, sometimes it's handwashing, sometimes it's counting steps, but a big and fairly constant one is food. Day to day I have pretty much the same thing for each meal and any sort of variance feels stressful despite me wanting to try new foods, both in the sense of I want to get over this, and I feel hungry for other types of food when I see them, I'm just really scared to try them incase they cause a wave or something. As an example, my breakfast is overnight oats with almond butter, pecans, coconut and a fruit. It's all measured out down to the gram and varying by even a couple grams feels "risky" as does changing the fruit or brand of oats or anything like that. Part of it is wanting to keep things stable and simple so I consider like, trying strawberries instead of blueberries as serious as a dose change as silly as that might sound. The other part is wanting to try new foods feels greedy. I'm in a much better place than I was before, having more food options would be even better than now, but wanting better than now feels maybe like not appreciating that now is pretty ok compared to how things have been in the past. I honestly think that I am about as stable as I can get at my current dose and things are pretty ok overall but they could be better. I worry that in trying to get to better, slowly and cautiously as I might go, might result in things getting much worse.

If anyone is interested here is a link to some journal entries of mine. Sometime around the start of 2022 and 2023 I did a little sort of recap of how I've been feeling leading up to those, along with a quote from another member and they do help me to look at and see that I have made progress.

--------

Selfishly part of what motivated me to do an update was yesterday I had a bit of a mixup with my dose and after an initial gut reaction fear, I calmed down and thought it might be a good place to start tapering again. Basically I made some syringes ahead of time as I was going to be out of the house during my dose time. After taking it I realized that a little drop likely got into the top of one of the caps. I recreated it and a little drop equates to about .02ml-.04 which is about a 1.5%-4% decrease. I was planning on starting a BrassMonkey slide on Sunday with a total of 5% reduction so I'm thinking I might count that as the start of it, do the planned 1.5% decrease starting today and if I feel ok with it after a week, continue on with another. I know it sounds silly but I was really freaked out by the (possible) accidental decrease and am still a bit anxious about it, but I think this is a sensible course of action. I think I just wanted to double check on here just in case though.

Another of my OCD things that has been going on for a long time is measuring my dose perfectly. Obviously being accurate is good but I think I take it too far. I use 1ml syringes and if there's any slight hair of a whisper of a sliver of the plunger not being perfectly lined up(I'm talking like a tenth of a tick mark on the 1ml syringes) I remeasure. Thing is the plungers in general don't really ever seem to be perfectly level from all angles, which is just I think the nature of how they work. It's to the point that it takes me about 40 minutes to an hour to take my dose. I tell myself it's silly and just an unhealthy OCD thing, that by human nature there will be some extremely slight variance when drawing the liquid, but said variance will be so slight and within the same realm that it equates to the same average. But saying that about anything dose related feels iffy to me, so I guess if possible I'd like someone else to weigh in on it if possible.

ChromeChinchilla: hey there - Prozac 60mg, time to get off

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