Blossom71: wanting to be sertraline free

[Erimus]

Keep up the good work @Blossom71! How are you finding the omeprazole taper? Have you managed to avoid the rebound acid?

 

I see you’re from Leeds in West Yorkshire. I’m only a stones throw away in the north riding. Nice to have another Yorkshire member on here, makes me feel right at home, ha! 

[Blossom71]

Thanks @Erimus 😊

 

Absolutely no rebound acid at all from the Omeprazole taper.  I did get a couple of days of slightly uncomfortable stomach on the first drop but it's bee plain sailing since then.   Whoo hoooo! 

 

Ah yes, you're not far from me 👋

 

[Erimus]

That’s good to hear @Blossom71. I’m hoping to slowly taper back down to 20mg this summer. I’ve only tried to stop it once in summer 2019 before I had knowledge of how to taper, I ended up back on it because the rebound acid was so bad. I’m glad I have a lot more knowledge on these drugs now, doctors are useless.

[Blossom71]

@Erimus There's been a couple of times when I ran out and the rebound acid, nausea and dizziness was absolutely horrific. Once I saw on here that it needed to be tapered it made sense.  I am absolutely stunned that I've had no problems with reducing. In fact, I'd go as far as saying my digestion has been better since I reduced.

Another week or so and I'll be going down to 3mg. It will be great just to get off 1 of the meds!

[Erimus]

It gives you a great sense of achievement getting off a drug, one step closer to regaining your health and your life properly. One less thing to collect from the pharmacy and one less thing to worry about taking each day as well haha!

[Blossom71]

Thought I'd check in and report mainly for my records.

 

Things have been pretty dire from a personal perspective. My son made a particularly poor choice at the weekend that I found out on Monday. I don't want to go into detail but it involved a particularly unpleasant exchange with some people, financial implications, and a likely conversation with the police later this week.  I was more at the end of my rope than I have been in a long time, i couldn't eat all day and spent hours sobbing. 

I've been bouncing back since then though, so although I don't know when it will be resolved I'm already feeling much better equipped to handle it.  My concentration yesterday afternoon was pretty good and it seems to be continuing today.

 

As I have been so tense all my muscles are tight and I'm really sore.  It could be partly down to my last drop but i think it's more tension from the situation, as I tend to hunch up and clench my jaw when things get stressful. My sleep has also been affected by it but I'm not surprised really. Other than that I don't have any other of my usual WD symptoms.

Having said that, I think it's wise to not do another 2.5% drop this week so will be sticking at 38.5 a bit longer. I'll do an additional week then see where I'm at then. I don't want to rock the boat when I'm already in gale force winds!

[Rrsfc]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. It's wise to hold as long as you need. Have you tried progressive relaxation and belly breathing, soothing music, a long walk, fruits and vegetables, chamomile tea... These things do wonders for me. It's in the most difficult times in our lives that we must take better care of ourselves. Hope you can go through this safely and you have a good day today. We all have these challenges, it's just life. Just try to manage it as best you can and things will eventually get better...

[Blossom71]

Thanks for your wisdom @Rrsfc

I feel like I've pretty much been in survival mode for the last couple of days and self care always seems to go out of the window at the time I need it most. I couldn't even eat on Monday.  Since then I haven't had much of an appetite but I have at least been making sure I am eating nutritional foods (bananas, veggies, homemade soup etc).

Today I've done some yoga and breathing exercises, and I'm planning a lovely dinner tonight that I will enjoy making.

I also have a counselling session booked on Friday so the timing couldn't be any better.

[Rrsfc]

That seems lovely, you are on the right track, I am very confident you are going to pull through all of this and resume your tapering in no time. You seem like a very strong and disciplined woman, you should be proud of yourself for all you have accomplisheda and by not getting completely derailed by the recent events. 

 

[Blossom71]

Aaawww thank you for the encouragement @Rrsfc 😘
 

I ended up not working on Thurs as I just needed some time to regroup and wasn’t functioning very well.  I already had today booked off work so 4 days to rest will be helpful. I had my counselling session. I was expecting to cry for the whole hour but I didn’t so am clearly feeling today even though I’m shattered. I will get through it, I just have to be kind to myself. Onwards and upwards!

[Blossom71]

Just a lil update.

I'm picking up again and things are feeling more settled this week.  I think the fatigue sent me downwards and then life just added and extra ton weight.   I'm not sure whether the fatigue was a bug I was fighting or a result of the drops but it seriously affected my ability to function and deal with life's challenges.  It could have been the cumulative effects of previous drops or maybe dropping 2.5% every week wasn't a good move for me. I don't know and I guess it doesn't matter, but I know I don't want to take any chances.

 

So I will stick at this dose a bit longer. I'll see how I feel at 3 weeks on this dose and if all's well I'll be starting smaller drops for a while until I get a better handle on what my body can manage.   I'm thinking 0.5ml every 2 weeks which equates to around 1.5%.   I'll maybe do 4 drops and then a hold.

 

I do like to have a plan but am happy to change the plan if it's not working.

[Blossom71]

So I've realised that how I've been feeling with the fatigue is the same as when I've had B9 deficiency in the past. 

So as I don't seem to be suffering with withdrawals I thought I'd take a vit B complex last night as an experiment, and I don't like how I feel today. I have the internal buzzing that I haven't had at all in the last couple of smaller drops. 

 

I struggle to keep my B9 levels up, probably because I'm allergic to some of the foods with decent levels of folate so I cant eat those, and the PPI I'm on (Omeprazole*) will likely be playing a part. There are also some things on that list that I eat a lot in summer but not in Winter (mountains of strawberries and romaine lettuce) so it also makes sense that my levels would be lower now.  So I've made a list of foods with decent levels of folate and will be changing my meals up a bit.   After the buzzing has gone I may try taking just folic acid one evening to see if I can tolerate that.  

 

*I'm down from 20mg to 3mg of Omeprazole now, so in the next month i'll hopefully be done and dusted with that.

[Blossom71]

Just a little update.

 

I have started by taking 1/4 of a folic acid tablet (100mcg) at lunchtime and no Ill effects whatsoever, and I can already feel a small benefit of taking it. Today I’m going to add another 1/4 tablet at bedtime and see how that goes.

 

I also dropped my 0.5mg (1.4% I think) sertraline and today is day 3. All good so far although I was a bit achey yesterday. Things are heading in the right direction so am hoping for a good week.

[Rrsfc]

I am glad you're feeling better. You take really good care of yourself and your persistance will pay off in the end. I hope you have a good week too!

[Blossom71]

Yesterday I felt absolutely rubbish.  Achy, jittery, headache that wouldn't shift, upset stomach and bad brain fog. I was a bit baffled why I was feeling strong WDs when I only dropped 1.3% 5 days ago and had been feeling fine until then.

When I went to dissolve last night tablet, the liquid from the night before was still there so I had totally forgotten to take it. I have never done that before. That explains why I felt the way I did yesterday 🙄

 

Anyway, I took my dose last night and I feel MUCH better today.   Disaster averted I think!

[Blossom71]

Just wanted to log an observation for my future reference.

 

So on Friday I dropped another 1.3%. No jittering or anything like that but the fatigue and sadness over the weekend has been pretty significant. This follows the same pattern as the two drops of 2.5% I did after I started the Brassmonkey slide.  It feels like dropping weekly is the thing that's throwing me off rather than the percentage drop, as the effects are probably cumulative.

 

So I'm going to stick where I am for an additional week, then drop another 1.3% and hold for 2 weeks and see where I am then.

 

When I dropped 10% I had a week of feeling pretty rubbish then the rest of the month was pretty good and I'm wondering whether I'd prefer that in the long run, although i may reduce the %.  I feel like if i can get the 'method' right for me then i can have a play with the %s.

 

 

[Blossom71]

So I was hit like a sledgehammer with WD symptoms as Monday wore on and yesterday was pretty terrible.

Internal tremors, jittery, pretty significant brain fog and headache and the fatigue is off the scale.  I can hardly string a sentence together and my working memory is pretty non-existent.  So far today the symptoms have eased a little bit from yesterday but i'm not functioning very well at all and feel absolutely dreadful 😣

 

I only did a 1.3% drop this time so I wasn't expecting this. But to get it in perspective, I have dropped 25% since January and that's not an insignifact amount. 

Ceruleansea also pointed out in her thread that 37.5 is where serotonin receptor occupancy drops a bit from 90% to 80%. 

 

But whatever the reason I know I need to stay here for a while now until things level off.   I am going away on holiday for a week in just under 2 weeks time so I'll certainly be sticking where I am until after that.  I'll probably re-evaluate again late April. 

[Rrsfc]

I'm sorry you're feeling like that. During my last taper I suffered a lot from cumulative effects. It was enough coming down faster than my brain was able to handle once to never really recover from that. Like you said you should be happy you came this far and take the time to

really settle yourself before coming down any further. Hope you have a nice holiday.

 

[Blossom71]

So things appear to be settling down. The fatigue is still there but is fading, and the brain fog is improving well and I'm starting to feel brighter.

 

Last week was a tough week. One of my kitties went missing on Tuesday night and we found him close to home late on Weds unable to walk well on his back legs. Turns out he was probably hit by a car and had managed to claw his way close to home. So it's been a whirlwind of emergency vets and him being in hospital etc.  He's home and cage bound until it heals but he's in good spirits so I feel like I can finally exhale. 

 

Still planning on sticking where I am for a bit to give my body and brain some breathing space, but happy that things seem to be heading in the right direction. 

[CeruleanSea]

@Blossom71 I am so sorry about your kittie! I am glad that he is on the mend with treatment.

 

As for you, yes -- wow this drop really hit you hard.  I understand based on my recent trial of 37.5.  I'm glad that it is leveling out and -- yes it makes sense to take it slower to see if you can gain even more improvement.  

 

Hoping the rest of the week continues to be easy for you!

[Blossom71]

16 hours ago, CeruleanSea said:

As for you, yes -- wow this drop really hit you hard.  I understand based on my recent trial of 37.5.

Yes this one has hit me like a freight train @CeruleanSea

Whether its because this is where serotonin receptor occupancy drops a bit from 90% to 80%, or the cumulative effects who knows.  The improvement I saw over the weekend seems to have stalled. I have definitely improved and am more functional but I am still feeling like a shell. Still a reasonable amount of brain fog and fatigue and because I'm struggling to string my words and thoughts together, it's raising my anxiety levels a bit at times.  It's like the lights are on but nobody is home 😆

 

But I'm not too worried. It's bearable and just need to keep faking it until i make it.  

My holiday next week should help. My husband is staying home with the poorly kitty, so it will just be me and my son. It's shame but I desperately need a break and a week without having to set my alarm to get up and work will be bliss. As will spending time with lots of sea air. The seaside is my happy place!   Just hope my brain fog lifts enough so I can navigate the airport/car hire/directions.

[Rrsfc]

I'm so glad you are able to go on a seaside vacation, that will help, I'm sure. I hope you have a wonderful time. Things are settling, it may take a while but you'll get better. Untill then try not to be too hard on yourself. Tapering is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get 🤣🤣. 

[Blossom71]

Just a little update.

 

I am on my holiday at the moment.

Things are improving slowly but am still feeling exhausted, but some time to be able to just rest and go at my own pace is helping. Or at least making it less noticeable as I don’t have anything I need to do or have any time constraints etc.

 

The one thing I can’t shake is the feeling of deep sadness. I feel like I’m just done with life. I don’t want to die but I’m not able to see the joy in anything at the moment. Everything feels too much like hard work.
 

When I look back though it has been a really rough 6 months, and feel like stuff has been coming at me from all directions, so I’m trying to cut myself some slack. My feelings are probably understandable given the circumstances.

 

I’m still at 37.5mg and will be staying here for a while. I haven’t been reading many threads on here as it was adding to my doom and gloom feelings, but I really hope you’re all doing well.

 

I inadvertently only brought enough of my homemade 1.5mg omeprazole capsules so tomorrow I will be down to 0. Hopefully there will be no problems but I have a pack of rennies just incase! 

[Rrsfc]

Hi, I'm glad you're having some rest. We all have our personal battles going on, but I took a moment to tell you I've felt that sadness, that void inside when I was on a higher dose of olanzapine. Our brain is a delicate wonderful system, remember no matter what you are feeling now it's its way of healing. I got better from my sadness and so probably will you. You can try to track these feelings and see if they change, how much, when... Exercise always helps me get my mood back up but sometimes we just can't muster the energy. That's ok too, taking time to read a good book, to think, to connect with loved ones. All of these things will help you move forward. Just take your time and focus on things that make you feel good if you can, and take also some time to appreciate how far you came. It's ok to be sad, to lack motivation, to feel unwell, it's all part of this journey. I hope you start feeling well soon, be patient with your body and he will love you back I'm sure 😊

[Ariel]

Hello @Blossom71

Thank you for your kind post in my thread. 

 

I'm glad to read that things are improving slowly, and sorry to hear you're feeling exhausted. This gives such a good indication of how withdrawal can be sometimes, in all its complexity: the both-and of recognizing progress while still feeling pretty awful. 

 

On 4/14/2022 at 5:25 PM, Blossom71 said:

The one thing I can’t shake is the feeling of deep sadness. I feel like I’m just done with life. I don’t want to die but I’m not able to see the joy in anything at the moment. Everything feels too much like hard work.

 

This sure sounds familiar. You express it so well. Reading your words I thought, "yup, that's exactly what it's like". Thank you for articulating this so clearly and honestly. It somehow helps me to read it. 

 

On 4/14/2022 at 5:25 PM, Blossom71 said:

When I look back though it has been a really rough 6 months, and feel like stuff has been coming at me from all directions, so I’m trying to cut myself some slack. My feelings are probably understandable given the circumstances.

 

This is such a beautiful example of self-compassion. I needed a reminder of what that looks like. Thank you. 

 

Wishing you peaceful, restful holidays,

A.  

[Blossom71]

Thank you do much for your lovely post as always @Rrsfc

I stopped tracking how I was feeling on a day to day basis as was pretty fed up of the whole thing to be honest, and just accepted that I would improve over time.  I need to pick it back up I think as I definitely am seeing progress but it's sometimes hard to recognise.  The holiday definitely helped. We kept it pretty low key and just went with the flow. 

I'm back home and back to reality this week but hopefully things will keep going in the right direction.

I'll drop by your thread and see how you're doing x

 

And thank you @Ariel for you for dropping by with your encouraging post. While I don't want anyone to feel like I do it makes me feel less alone when other people relate to what I'm saying.

I've certainly got better at the self compassion over time. I think I've probably finally realised that I am worth the same compassion that I give to others x

[Ariel]

@Blossom71

Just re-reading your last few posts. Such wisdom to be gleaned from your reflections. Thank you. 

A big hug to you today (if you like hugs; if not, what would you prefer?)

[Blossom71]

@Ariel I LOVE hugs so thank you 😘

[Blossom71]

Just a little update.

 

I’ve had a reasonably good week after getting back to reality after my holiday. 
The deep sadness is lifting and yesterday I had the energy and motivation to do some gardening in my lunch break and it was lovely. The sun was shining and It felt like such a gift for me to be out in the sunshine, doing something I enjoy with the birds singing around me. It felt like the light was getting in my eyes and body. It was a joy! 
 

Work has been easier this week and have been more proactive rather than just reacting to things that absolutely needed to be done. Feeling like I’ve been a bit more productive has added to my more positive feelings.

 

When I was a small child someone told me that your dreams are leftover thoughts from the day. So in bed at night I would think of things that make me happy in the hope that I would dream about them. I still do this every single night (even at 50!) as it helps me get off to sleep, and it’s been impossible over the last few weeks to find anything to think about, as nothing was making me happy.  That’s a sure sign that my head isn’t in a good place.

Well, last night was the first night in ages that I could think of lovely things and feel contented before I drifted off to sleep. It was bliss and I’ve woken up in the same frame of mind today, with no feeling of dread.

 

I’ve also been planning some little things I want to do at the weekend and I’m looking forward to it, instead of dreading 2 days of unstructured time.

 

I’m still sticking at my current dose and will see where I am at the end of the month.

[Ariel]

Wonderful to hear, @Blossom71 Happy for you! 

Thank you for sharing this lovely post, it brings me joy to read and lifts my spirits. A delicious TGIF nugget

Wishing you a peaceful weekend,

A. 

[Rrsfc]

I am so very happy for you, life is filled with moments, some good, some bad. The bad just make us more grateful and awake to the wonderful things we can experience in our lives. Hope things keep improving for you 👏👏

[LunaLex]

Blossom I am so glad for you!

 

This is so lovely to hear, you absolutely deserve some time to feel good and live rather than surviving. 

 

Good sleep and good days are so healing and I hope you carry yesterday and today with you all through this week. 

[Blossom71]

Thank you so much for the good wishes @Ariel  @Rrsfc and @TentacleFinn. Thank you for encouragement. You’re all so lovely 🥰 

 

The good feelings and thoughts appear to be continuing so feeling very hopeful.  I had the most wonderful weekend. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people, but it was filled with doing ‘normal’ things. And I wasn’t going through the motions, I was engaged, motivated and enjoying the ‘normality’ of it all. 

 

I crawled into bed on Sunday evening really tired, but from the things I’d done rather than fatigue. Feels like a weight has been lifted and I'm so grateful for it. 
 

I hope the same for you all x

[Pollyjay]

I'm so happoy for you Blossom!!! I pray your good days continue to even better days.

 

Hugs,

 

Pollyjay

[Blossom71]

Aaaww thank you @Pollyjay 🥰

[Pollyjay]

Blossom, I hope your window is still open, letting the sun's warmth and the fresh air in! 

 

Thinking of you!

 

Polly