Amanda167

[Sassenach]

Hello Amanda

I am out at the moment but will be online between 5 and 7 this evening.

We will get the info sorted into

One place

It is because alto and the top mods are working on your symptoms that they need to keep asking 4 Extra and specific information

Sorry if this is pretty badly written but I am not very good with the voice recognition on my phone

Catch you later

Sassenach

[Amanda167]

Thanks Sassenach 

 

I appreciate all the help I can get.

 

Only regret not recording my dosages more accurately 

 

Have a lovely day 

Amanda x

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Sassenach]

Hi Amanda

 

When you do your diary today here is the example again.

Sat 20 July

7am 50mg sertraline 

8am Negative thoughts/ruminating

10am  Went for walk.  Felt ok.

12pm 5mg promazine 

2pm Negative thoughts/ruminating 

4pm Tired/irritable 

6pm Had a cry

7pm Felt ok

8pm 20mg promazine 

9pm  Felt better

10pm Bed

 

I know when you are feeling rough drug signature, daily diary, should be easy but not when your brain does not want to work.

Lines on the drug signature are limited to twelve.

I believe there is a work around for this but it may be tomorrow before I can get it back to you.

When you reply to Alto highlight the bold type above and  a box will appear with "quote selection". Click and will copy and it will reference the text so Alto will know we are sorting it.

You answered Alto's question so can you do today's diary this evening if possible and add the the two lines above?

That is your daily diary.

Your drug signature is entirely seperate and appears at the bottom of your posts and is a chronological list of dates,drug names & dosage.      
WE will do the bestyou can rememberto fill in the older history

 

[Sassenach]

Sorry browser was acting up.

 

We keep telling you that it will take a long time.

There is however good news.

You get to stability before you start to taper the paxil.

Stablity on here means none or bearable symptoms at which point you will feel and appear like your old self.

There will also be windows ( good days ) on the way there.

In other words you can begin to live again a bit at a time.

We were watching would I lie to you on TV recently and I was laughing my head off.

My wife said it was the first time for months that I had laughed.

I had been finding the program funny but apparently did not laugh.

The windows become a revelation as each bit of the old you finds its way back.

It is a tough journey but so worth it.

Right got to go sort someone's drug signature template😈

Don't forget your diary.

Catch you tomorrow.

 

Sassenach

[Amanda167]

Hi Sassenach 

 

Thank you for that information,  wasn't sure how to reply when a quote box isn't showing.

 

I will keep my diary more simple instead of rambling on, a bad habit of mine.

 

I will post my diary later today. To whom should I post it to??

 

Is my signature ok now? I'm trying to figure it all out.

 

Hope you're enjoying the Sun today. Can't wait for the day I can go outside and spend my days with people again instead of crying.

 

Thanks, Amanda x

 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Amanda167]

 

I so long for the day I can smile again and feel joy. 6 months and barely a grin. I'm trying to be positive and flow with it, it's so difficult when friends and family turn their back on you like you're making it all up.

 

I would be grateful for 20% better right now, I'm sure you get that.

 

I'm so glad you got through it and I so appreciate your help and consistency with responses.

 

I'll post diary later (not essay) 😉

 

Thanks, Amanda x

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Sassenach]

Hi Amanda

 

Yesterday's diary was ok, just a bit of unnecessary info. The senior mods just need to see at a glance time, drugs/dose, how you are feeling.

Just post your diary on here and a senior mod will drop by, but as it is the weekend things slow down.

Don't forget to copy and paste the bold lines before writing your diary.

For today forget your drug signature I will work on it tonight and you can complete tomorrow.

It is unlikely the Zopiclone is the reason for your evening improvement.

It may be relaxing you but it is" normal" to feel better late pm/evening.

 

Sassenach

 

 

Edited July 20, 2019 by Sassenach
missed text

[RichT]

 

Yes, it just goes on and on doesn’t it? But there will come a time when you feel better.  

 

R

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Amanda167]

Hope so.

Thank you x

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Amanda167]

Hi Sassenach

 

Diary for 20th of July

 

11.30. Got up really late, very fatigued and depressed

 

11.35 took valium 0.60 half hour late

 

12.40. Had egg and spinach sandwich,  smoothie and banana

 

13.30. Very agitated, anxious, burning nerves and nausea 

 

14.30. Intense anxiety, pulsing head, dizziness, nausea, overwhelming intrusive thoughts 

 

15.30 onwards, pretty much the same

 

16.00. Sat in garden after doing some chores, had a few crying spells.

 

6pm. My brother can here and made me more anxious 

 

6.30. Had tomato pasta and avocado

 

7pm. Took 10mg Paxil, 4mg quetiapine and 0.40 valium

 

7.30. Had bath, washed hair, still anxious

 

8.30 took zoplicone 375mg plus a friend came to see me, was fearful and anxious still

 

9pm. Went Sainsbury's and walked my dog to the park.

 

10.30 sat in living room chatting, very emotional still.

 

12am. Went to bed 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Sassenach]

That is good Amanda

I will sort drug signature tomorrow and post to you

Sleep well sassenach

 

[Altostrata]

You feel worse in the afternoon, after you take your morning Valium?

[Amanda167]

34 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You feel worse in the afternoon, after you take your morning Valium?

Hi

I generally feel bad from the moment I awake, the valium does nothing but is a very low dose. 

 

Amanda x

40 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

That is good Amanda

I will sort drug signature tomorrow and post to you

Sleep well sassenach

 

Thanks Sassenach x

[Altostrata]

2 hours ago, Amanda167 said:

13.30. Very agitated, anxious, burning nerves and nausea 

 

Is this how you feel when you wake up or does this ramp up in the afternoon?

[Sassenach]

Hi Amanda

First line of your drug signature

Paxil 10mg to 20mg 1987 to date

Can you remember starting dose and roughly when dose change  took place?

Need this asap to complete new signature.

 

Sassenach

 

[Amanda167]

Morning Sassenach 

 

I started on 20mg in 1987, I reduced to 10mg after a year or so and pretty much stayed at 10mg since but a few times I'd go up to 15mg, especially after 3 or 4 failed tapers when I had no idea and would just cut the pills in half. But apart from that, I managed on 10mg most of the past 15 years or so.

My last failed taper was in May 2017 and I went to 15mg then, was biting the tablets, I went up to 15mg then as no knowledge on correct tapering. Reinstating has always worked but never let it get so bad as it was in Feb this year.

So basically,  10mg has been my main dose for most of my duration apart from the 1st year or 2. Xx

 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Amanda167]

7 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

Is this how you feel when you wake up or does this ramp up in the afternoon?

Morning

 

Generally this is how I wake up. It's pretty consistent from the moment I awake until 8/9pm when it lessons a little.

 

 

[Sassenach]

Thanks Amanda back to you later

[Amanda167]

Hi Sassenach 

Been toying with the idea of increasing Paxil as depression is so bad. 

What's your thoughts?

Thanks, Amanda x

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Sassenach]

Please do not do that Amanda you are making a decision on a bad day day and unfortunately you will regret it

[Amanda167]

I'm feeling so low and the hopelessness is overwhelming. 

All I do is cry, feel like I'm no good to anyone. I long to feel alive again.

The days feel so long when they're filled like this... trying my best everyday to distract but how much can I do??

I awake to nausea, pain, depression and anxiety everyday. I'm hurting so bad... 6 months and only a 5 to 10 minute window usually before bed.

Just want to Sleep until it's over.

My boy doesn't go out because of me and it's breaking my heart.

Sorry, very low xx

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Sassenach]

Hi Amanda we all wish we could sleep through it at sometime  but we can't.

Your drug schedule will be ready late afternoon and I could really do with your help to get it posted on your thread

It will clearly show you you how many changes of drugs and doses you have had recently.

It will take alto and Shep to know this for sure but I am fairly certain that it is all the changes is that are making you feel so rotten.

Up dosing your paxil will not sort that  issue out.

Hang in there I will contact you between 5 p.m. m.and 7 p.m.

Sassenach

[Anthony75]

Hi Amanda167,

Haven’t been on the site lately and if I am I just read stuff. But I came across your thread and had to make this post because I was exactly where you are now not to long ago. You don’t know me but I promise what you are feeling will get better. The panic of it all and the urgency of peace will calm down. 
 

All the symptoms you have I have had or still have. The feelings, emotions, etc. (But are way less intense.) Not to sound dramatic but when I read your post it was like I wrote it. I promise they will get better. I can’t emphasize enough how I was in the exact spot you’re in now. The panic of it all will subside and you will start to get relief I promise.

 

As far as meds go I don’t know nearly enough to try to advise you. But I can say I’m only in withdrawals from Paxil and my symptoms are exactly the same. I hope that gives you some kind of reassurance and relief.

 

I’ve never offered encouragement or advice on this site because I’m still in the thick of it at times myself and trying to figure this all out. So I always thought who am I to give advice. But our symptoms are so much the same I’m offering my help with the symptoms. I know how lonely and terrifying the symptoms and thoughts are. Wondering if they are normal symptoms and thoughts of withdrawal.
 

So if you need reassurance on symptoms, need to talk, or just vent I’m here for you. Best wishes, Anthony

 

[Anthony75]

This is why I don’t post on this site I always get anxiety about implying or saying the wrong thing. I’m here to help anyone on this site whichever way I can. Didn’t mean to imply otherwise. Best wishes to all of you

[Amanda167]

Hi Anthony

 

Firstly, thank you so much for reaching out. I'm always amazed at the kindness of other people, especially when family seem reluctant to even try and understand.

 

I was in Paxil withdrawal initially which was horrifying and got me in this position on now being on 3 additional meds that have made things worse. I think it's the valium that is now causing things to be ramped up to another level. The emotion pain I feel daily is on a level 10 like a constant pain in my heart that won't let off all day (plus the horrid other symptoms)

I want to cry constantly but so afraid of the suppressed pain from the last 6 months of hell that it's hard to express... did you feel like this??? The low moods, the loss of work, life, enjoyment, peace, being able to smile and laugh, the lonliness, the isolation, the fear.... all so traumatising to us all I know. 

As a single mother, the pain of my 14 year old Son who's my best friend, having to watch me go through this is breaking my heart even more. He stays in with me daily as I fear being alone and to know he's missing out on all the things he loves is so distressing for me, I keep having meltdowns and he's been amazing... been ER 3 times because of suicide threats, breaks my heart and I feel immensely guilty but the pain is overwhelmingly unbearable and I'm holding on in complete agony daily just in the faith that things will improve and I can have my Son back instead of all this emotional blunting.

Did you feel this too? Can't give, recieve or feel love even to those closest?

I'm so sorry for going on. Trying to be focused and positive although it doesnt appear that way. I've always been such a happy positive person and this has brought me to my knees.

 

I'm so glad that you are getting through this. I pray for everyone daily battling this.

 

Are you off Paxil now?

Did you taper or CT?

 

Thank you again for reaching out and giving me some hope that things will get better, I so  need to hear this

 

Amanda xx

 

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Amanda167]

1 hour ago, Anthony75 said:

This is why I don’t post on this site I always get anxiety about implying or saying the wrong thing. I’m here to help anyone on this site whichever way I can. Didn’t mean to imply otherwise. Best wishes to all of you

I honestly appreciate your response so much.

I'm thankful daily for people like you x

[Amanda167]

Thanks Sassenach 

Just desperate to get out of this mess.

Let me know what I need to do with regards to signature.

X

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[Sassenach]

Sorting it right now

[Sassenach]

What dose Quitiapine are you actually taking now?

Says 6.25mg in your thread but 4mg on your drug signature.

[Amanda167]

1 hour ago, Sassenach said:

What dose Quitiapine are you actually taking now?

Says 6.25mg in your thread but 4mg on your drug signature.

Hi Sassenach 

Yes, I'm on 4mg now since my original post.

My doctor wants me off of that 1st.

I've been holding since all replies from you. 

I need to get rid off this med but am to afraid to change anything right now so waiting for your instructions x

 

[Anthony75]

Of course anytime.

I would like to say in advance that if I’m coming across like I know everything. Or it sounds rude or like I’m trying to tell you what to do I’m really not.  I only mean kind words and help. I never been a part of a forum and I am not a social media person. So not familiar with talking to people this way.

 

 I totally understand the family thing. My friends and family want to judge or help in there way. But not spend the time to read anything I ask them to read to understand what I’m going through. At first I was resentful and mad. But I’ve learned to accept that they just don’t understand. And when people don’t understand something they fear it in my opinion. So I don’t take it personal anymore. Plus that resentment and anger just made my withdrawals worse. Maybe this route will help you if you haven’t already tried it.

 

Yes I felt like that most definitely. Once I crashed from fighting the withdrawals for months all I could do was lay in bed with my eyes closed and stay still just to get through the day. Totally wiped me out. I was completely non functional. I’m proud of you that you are able to take care of your son. At 6 months there is no way I could of took care of someone. I couldn’t even take care of myself. You are obviously a strong person. You will definitely make it through this. It just sucks that it’s on withdrawal time not are time. But that doesn’t mean you will feel like you do today forever. Even though we are on withdrawal time your symptoms will still get less intense and way more manageable. I promise.

 

As far as work goes I was able to work somehow during the 8 months of quitting Paxil 40mg cold turkey. At 8 months of fighting the withdrawals I crashed. Couldn’t work and still can’t. Doesn’t mean you will be out from working this long everyone is different with different circumstances. For example I tattoo for a living and that involves a lot of my withdrawal fears so that is why I’m still not working. 
 

I definitely felt all of the symptoms and feelings you mention. At 6 months I couldn’t function at all. I tried to come on this site to get help but just didn’t have it in me to put up the information so people on here could help me. You are able to post all your info that is needed to receive help. I think that is awesome and a big step forward. You are doing way better than I did and that is a good sign in my opinion. I still feel those symptoms, feelings, and thoughts now but are way more manageable now compared to then. I remember knowing for sure I would never feel peace of mind, comfort, or normal again. That’s the withdrawals talking. You will get to a more peaceful place I promise. I have windows now that I feel completely normal for a couple 2 or 3 days. You will get them too I guarantee it. Read through my thread if you want. It will show how desperate I was.

 

As far as your son goes I know it’s easier said than done but really try to think of the positive in all this. Yes he might be missing out on some stuff but just think of the man he will become from this. Not saying he isn’t this now but he is going to be a compassionate, understanding, non judgmental awesome human being for helping you through this. As we all know there aren’t many of those people left. Especially young kids (no offense to anyone) Like I said before it’s easier said than done but try to be kind to yourself. Unfortunately there isn’t a lot we can do to stop withdrawal. So it’s not going to help by beating yourself up for something that you cannot control right now. And most importantly something that is not your fault. You have a great son now and when you are healed he will still be a great person and your best friend. (I hope I didn’t over step boundaries on this subject.)

 

I definitely felt emotionally blunted. But of course we feel that way we are stressed, scared, exhausted, etc. Doesn’t mean you love or care about anyone in your life less. In my opinion we are just flat out exhausted to really feel anything but what we’re going through.

 

Don’t feel sorry for going on. You need to get it out. Talk as long as you want. You can’t keep that **** in. 
 

If you don’t mind I would like to recommend a book that alreadygone from this site recommended to me. Recovery and renewal by Baylissa Frederick. Alreadygone has done so much to help me. He is a solid human being. I can’t speak for him but I’m sure he would help you also. Like I said he has helped me tremendously. Great guy!

 

Not sure if you have already read it or not but it’s on Amazon for around $10.00. If finances are a issue I can lend it to you through kindle for free for as long as you need it. It really helped me with acceptance of my current situation. Also a lot of info on everything else to do with withdrawal.

 

In my opinion you are being positive but just being real about what is going on. Some things just suck and you can’t sugarcoat them. And like I said before I think you are doing great and you will see at least a flash of light showing you the end of the tunnel soon.

 

 Sorry if this was so long I just want to help. I truly hope this helped you.
 

Are you experiencing windows and waves?

 

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed white space

[Altostrata]

Hi, Amanda. Please do post those daily notes when you have them organized.

 

I noticed you are not taking your Valium doses 12 hours apart. Please choose a regular schedule for them. I would like to see something like 10 a.m. and 10 p.m., with the intention of replacing the zopiclone dose with Valium. FYI @Shep

[Sassenach]

@Altostrata, @Shep

 

1987 20mg Paxil reduced to 10mg after a year, 15mg after 3 or 4 failed tapers

Feb 2019-7mg,   29th April- 8.5mg, 07th May- 9.5mg, 14th May- 10.4mg 10mg-holding.

May 2019 Valium 0.50mg daily to 5mg daily variable , 4th Jun 1mg and holding.

May 2019 Quietiapine 25mg tapered to 4mgand holding.

May 2019 Zoplicone 3.75mg and holding.

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Amanda

 

Your drug signature is above.

It should be copied and pasted in place of the existing.

However if you are struggling we will do this tomorrow.

If you look at the dose changes you have made recently it is no wonder your CNS is in disarray.

Most important tonight is yesterday's diary please.

Do you have a GP appointment due?

You really need to hold and listen to Alto.

I know it is tough but you are getting going.

Sorry this is brief, has been a long day.

Hoping you get a good nights sleep.

Chat tomorrow.

Sassenach

[Amanda167]

2 hours ago, Sassenach said:

@Altostrata, @Shep

 

1987 20mg Paxil reduced to 10mg after a year, 15mg after 3 or 4 failed tapers

Feb 2019-7mg,   29th April- 8.5mg, 07th May- 9.5mg, 14th May- 10.4mg 10mg-holding.

May 2019 Valium 0.50mg daily to 5mg daily variable , 4th Jun 1mg and holding.

May 2019 Quietiapine 25mg tapered to 4mgand holding.

May 2019 Zoplicone 3.75mg and holding.

  
 

Ty x

[Amanda167]

21 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

Is this how you feel when you wake up or does this ramp up in the afternoon?

It's how i wake up and continues pretty much all day x