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Guilietta
11 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Chest pain is a common WD symptom.  I have it from tine to time

 

Thanks, Gridley. WD is the gift that keeps on giving 😕. I will chalk it up to that. I take crestor and exercise daily so I would not anticipate I have a problem.

 

I hope all is well in beautiful and sunny Ecuador. It is thank goodness sunny here - but the wind roared  last night and the temperature has dropped like a lead ball. Good thing I finally got that winter coat. ;) Got 4.5 hours of sleep....boo hoo.

 

My dog doesn't mind the wind too much. Seems to enjoy catching the smells wafting in the breeze. He has a little fleece coat I put on him. He's a bit spoiled as you can imagine.

 

Thank you, my friend.

 

Giulietta

 

 

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Guilietta

Hello Gridley @Gridley

 

Hope you are well. Sunny here. Started off here at 35 F at 7 a.m. I am really glad about yoru hearing.

 

Could you advise / offer some comfort (I need this even thought I am not doing this for a while - but it weighs on my mind) around the future tapering of clonazepam. In addition - I would like to reduce gabapentin and lamotrigine - but don't know what to do first.  Any thoughts are most appreciated.  I see my neuro on 11 Nov.

 

The thought of tapering off clonazepam gives me the whillies. I can't bring myself to look at any stories about it or visit benzos buddies or youtube accounts on any of this.  All I know is it that I need to get off it with a minimum of distress and how I will be able to manage anxiety without it. Hate to admit the latter - but after 15 years or so - that is how I feel.

 

Neuro not concerned about my being on clonazepam. A 2nd opinion neuro indicates that "it is about quality of life and I may never come off". Only the psych wants me off. He admits it is associated with cognitive decline -  his research focuses on alz.

 

I was put on clonaz for anxiety years ago by idiot MD. When I forget to take my morning meds (including .5 mg clon) by about 4 hours I experience  jitters, GI, anxiety, unease, restless - WD syptoms?

 

My plan has been to initiate a clonaz taper when I stabilize from WD from cymbalta (particularly anxiety). However, as I don't know when I will stabilize,  I don't know how this may affect taper from clonazepam or reducing gaba or lamotrigine.

 

I had no idea tapering lamotrigine or gabapentin could be such a nightmare until talking with other members on SA. 🙁 This is something I will need to discuss with her on the 11th./

 

When she asks how I am doing - I will have all tehse fun symptoms to tell her about and she will want me on another medicine.

 

I have to spend some time outside and maybe feel better then. :)

 

Thanks,

Giuilietta

 

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Erell

Dear Guilietta, 

 

I Will let the experts answer your questions.

However, keep in mind that every stories are specific : for eexample, even if I struggled with panic attacks, I was able To live a "normal" life during all my benzo taper. Contrarily To my current WD. 

So,  yes it can be hard, and the people that you read here struggle, but it can Also be easier than you expect.

 

I'm totally available To discuss benzo WD and your fears with you :)

 

I would add that now you have so much knowledge about WD : you won't do the same mistakes. And you have a lot of people here who cares and Will be there To hold your hand ❤

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

Thank you for your supportive and sharing your response. I know came off ativan (I think the US market name).

 

59 minutes ago, Erell said:

was able To live a "normal" life during all my benzo taper. Contrarily To my current WD. 

 

This is good news - and I acknowledge that everyone's situation is different. I am grateful that I am much better equipped since being on SA, learning from the pain of cymbalta WD, and seeing that you (for one) have successfully tapered off your benzok and  @Gridley is also successfully getting off ativan. 

 

I tapered off ativan once - for transition to an anti-convulsant - but was on it for 2 or 3 months - not years. Because the benzos have a reputation for being particularly addictive - I am particularly anxious. Because discontinuing them can cause seizures - and I have epilepsy - I am particulary nervous.

 

Thank you for talking to me about this at some point.

 

Hope you are having a nice day - and that perhaps you got outside for a few minutes. I just walked my dog so got a few minutes (cold) fresh air. ;)

 

Hug,💗

 

Giulietta

 

 

 

 

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Gridley
1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

but it weighs on my mind) around the future tapering of clonazepam. In addition - I would like to reduce gabapentin and lamotrigine - but don't know what to do first. 

 

I have similar fears about tapering my benzo, Ativan.  For some reason, that's the one I'm afraid of.  Because of these fears, I want to get it behind me and, unless advised otherwise, that's what I'm going to do, as opposed to tapering the Imipramine next (it's also a brake).   I've gone off Ativan twice in the past for many years (and of course wish I hadn't started back up in 2011) with no difficulty, but I had a larger dose of Imipramine cushioning me.  I also want to do it next because it will be a comparably short taper (maybe two years) compared to some four years for the 25mg Imipramine taper.  Also, there's an association between benzos and Alzheimer's, which my father had and I definitely want to avoid.  Plus, this is really the one I want to be done with.

 

It's come to stand in our minds as this boogeyman, but we can do it.   I understand your fears about convulsions, but I don't think that's a danger unless you CT.  You might want to do an especially slow taper due to this concern.

 

Is Gabapentin a brake?  Is Lamotrigine?  If so, there could be an argument for doing the Clonazepam next so the other two could act as a buffer, like my Imipramine dd the other times I went off Ativan.

 

Erell's comments are very encouraging, that she was able to lead a normal life.  It could be we are both catastrophizing about the benzo taper and it will go fine.  I'm working to think that way.

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Erell

@Gridley and @Guilietta 

 

I totally understand your fears. I think we often fear more about benzo taper because there is not the same emotionnal attachement with the AD.

 

Usually, we can Feel quite quickly the effect of the benzo in our body, we make a link in our mind between our benzo and Being calm. This link is weaker with AD.

I strongly believe there is a psychological addiction with benzos, more than with AD.

So we believe we can't handle anxiety without it. Good news is we can!

Before tappering your benzo, I strongly recommand you To take thé time To practice tools To cope with anxiety  : it will give you the time To convince your mind that you don't need benzo :)

 

To me, after an AD WD, you can utterly beat a benzo  ;) I lived 10 years with a benzo, my flask always in my bag, convinced that I couldn't handle anxiety without it because I had a weak personality. Well, I never touched again a benzo since June 2017 ;)

 

I'm sorry, I would like To talk better To you about benzo taper,but I Feel limited with English. However, Feel free To discuss it with me if you want, I Will be glad To support you both in this journey ❤

 

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Gridley
8 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

To me, after an AD WD, you can utterly beat a benzo

Erell, thank you for your encouraging words.  They are a big help.

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Guilietta

Hello Gridley

 

Good thoughts - which I share - and we will move along this together, too. 

 

I don't know if gaba or lamo are brakes or activating. After I meet with the neuro - I will get some feedback which I can share - for what it may be worth.  I think she was stunned when I told her about the WD - and wasn't particularly interested in the piles of research I came with. The psych appears open minded.

 

I am sorry your father suffered with Alzheimers. I cannot imagine your pain. I saw two I loved suffer from it - my grandmother and great aunt. For the latter, the one thing she said she didn't want - was to lose her mind. Neither one took ADs or benzos. I follow best practices (listed in the WSJ article I recently posted) most of the time. This is all  I know to do...

 

My psych MD spends most of time on  research in the area of Alzheimers. He is  aware of the relationship and tells me only 'cognitive decline'. A woman who works at the same hospital also tells me to get off this as it affects sleep.

 

With all the AEDs for 40+ years - I anticipate that this could also affect my cognitive future. I know it has affected EF, memory, comprehension and expression - but less than seizures.

 

2 mg is a shorter taper than  reducing one of my AEDs.   At what rate are you reducing? I can't figure it out from looking at your signature. Did you start at 1 mg / day?

 

@Erell gives hope. Definitely some catastrophizing on my end. Here is an opportunity for positive adaptation.

 

Hope you have a good night. We start daylight savings here - so an extra hour of sleep and darker tomorrow night. I am not enthused about evenings that are darker earlier.

 

Giuilietta


 

 

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Guilietta

Hello dear Erell,

 

Thank you for your inspiring comments. We do have more of emotional attachment - there is a known, longer association of benzos with possible cognitive 'decline' I think. I will try to keep this in mind. If the MD didn't tell me that tapering off  benzos could be 'dangerous' maybe I wouldn't be quite so agitated.  I will followup wtih him on that. ;)

 

20 minutes ago, Erell said:

Before tappering your benzo, I strongly recommand you To take thé time To practice tools To cope with anxiety  : it will give you the time To convince your mind that you don't need benzo

 

I agree. I could do better with this. I can show you what I have for homework and what I am supposed to be doing with it.

 

21 minutes ago, Erell said:

Feel limited with English. However, Feel free To discuss it with me if you want,

 

Your English is tres bon! In whatever English words you use to express yourself - I think I will undestand. Your knowledge and support is so appreciated.  💗

 

Giulietta

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Rhiannon

Erell, that's a great suggestion, to work on tools for coping with anxiety before starting a benzo taper.

 

When I first started tapering off my meds, before this site was started, I was on a benzo forum and on an AD forum both. The people on the benzo forum swore that getting off ADs was a picnic compared to benzos.  The people on the AD forum swore that ADs were a nightmare compared to benzos. Honestly, I can't say, since I have tapered mine together and I haven't found either to be harder or easier than the other. I think the trick with all of them is to taper slowly and to take periodic holds to make sure you aren't getting ahead of your body's ability to adapt. 

 

I remember seeing a lot of people on the benzo boards who would think they could tough out the initial symptoms, and they would keep cutting, and they'd be okay for a while and then they would hit a wall and crash and it would take a really long time to get back on their feet. But it seems like I see the same thing with ADs. I really think the important thing is to use the knowledge you already have about tapering: take it slow, stay stable, and hold whenever symptoms seem to be ramping up. Don't try to be tough, don't assume you can overpower withdrawal with your willpower, be humble, take it slow, and especially slow at low doses.

 

I think @Gridley and @Guilietta you both have the experience and skills to do just fine. I really don't think there's a special unique evil to benzo tapering. I suspect you'll find it pretty familiar. And you will have lots of support here.

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Gridley
8 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

At what rate are you reducing? I can't figure it out from looking at your signature. Did you start at 1 mg / day?

 

I'm not tapering the Ativan yet, just the Lexapro.  I started at 1mg a day in 1986, went off in 2000, then restarted at the same dosage in 2011.  Then (this is before I found SA) tapered Imipramine (which is a sedating drug) instead of Lexapro (an activating drug) and when I got from 75mg to 15mg, the anxiety became excruciating.  Having learned by this point about Ativan's short half life, I updosed to 3 split doses of 0.5mg and the anxiety abated.  When I switched to a new brand that was weaker, I updosed to 0.625 X 3.  

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Gridley
15 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

think @Gridley and @Guilietta you both have the experience and skills to do just fine. I really don't think there's a special unique evil to benzo tapering. I suspect you'll find it pretty familiar. And you will have lots of support here.

@Rhiannon  Thanks, Rhi.

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Guilietta

Hello @Rhiannon

 

Thank you for sharing your observations about AD vs Benzo Boards  members' comments about the difficulty in withdrawing ADs vs Benzos. Interesting that those who elected to stop aggressively paid and took a while to get back on their feet. It stands to reason that they may have a greater likeliood of prolonged withdrawal. Like the turtle, slow and steady wins the race. Thank you for the support.

 

59 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

I remember seeing a lot of people on the benzo boards who would think they could tough out the initial symptoms, and they would keep cutting, and they'd be okay for a while and then they would hit a wall and crash and it would take a really long time to get back on their feet.

 

@Erell drew some favorable (hence encouraging) comparisons about her experience. Thanks again.

 

@Gridley sorry about my misunderstanding about the ativan. I thought you were tapering them together.... 😕. Ativan has a brutal half-life - when I was transitioning AEDs - I was administered ativan q.i.d.  to cover any break through seizures (and fortunately I experienced none). 

 

I was on it for about 3 months maybe 4-  time to develop a therapeutic plasma level - and then of course a slow taper (slower than the MD had prescribed). I did fine getting off of it. I was also on a much higher dose than 1 mg. I don't know. :) At the time I was anxious about it - what if'ing and catastrophizing - but didn't have any problems. I was transitioning from lamotrigine to a tegretol analogue and maybe gabapentin too. Tegretol is more sedating if I recall.

 

I imagine you have thought of transitioning to clonazepam - which has a much longer half life and gradual increase and decrease in the blood stream.

 

 

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Gridley
6 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

imagine you have thought of transitioning to clonazepam - which has a much longer half life and gradual increase and decrease in the blood stream.

 

 

I have thought about it, as well as transitioning to Diazepam.  But I don't want to risk the switch.  There are also availability problems here in Ecuador with the other two.  So I'm going to stick with the known evil.

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Guilietta
2 hours ago, Gridley said:

There are also availability problems here in Ecuador with the other two.  So I'm going to stick with the known evil.

 

Good plan. The devil you know if often better than the devil you don't. 😎

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Guilietta

Monday morning. Was mostly a weekend of negative emotions and thoughts - to follow- I'm still trying to sort out the weekend emotions and  the anxiety/panic of from Wednesday to Friday. Some of Wednesday's anxiety/panic I think have had triggers - but the pain of the weekend I don't know what triggered.

 

Will communicate on this later.

 

Glad I am seeing a therapist this afternoon. Maybe she canhelp me understand.

 

 

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Guilietta

Saturday and Sunday started off (and today as well) with irritability and impatience with everyone and everything. Despair and ruminations became the days' raison d'etre - with a tremendous amount of self-loathing, recriminations, sadness and mourning for a life that could have been happier and more productive.

 

I am in a state of disbelief at how this 'happened' to me - not just WD - but my life in general.  Where did I go wrong? How did I get to this place?  Do the answers to these questions even matter?

 

I am adrift and don't know what to do or where to begin to improve my life. Where does one start?

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Erell

my dear friend, 

 

It sounds like you're having a rough time. I wish I could be with you To give you a real hug !

 

I know how hard it is, believe me, but I think that the answer is in acceptance and living in the now.

 

I often ask myself the same : what could have been my life if I had never take meds ? Why did I mess up my life like this?...

 

But, whatever we would like to change in our past, we can't.  The only thing we can do is accept this past. The only thing we have is the now.

Thinking of the past lead us To mourning and self blaming. Thinking of the future lead us To fear. 

I know how hard it is, but living in the now is all we've got. 

 

I'm sorry I Feel limited with my English To express what I want.

 

I send you lot of love ❤

 

 

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sunnysideup69
6 hours ago, Guilietta said:

Saturday and Sunday started off (and today as well) with irritability and impatience with everyone and everything. Despair and ruminations became the days' raison d'etre - with a tremendous amount of self-loathing, recriminations, sadness and mourning for a life that could have been happier and more productive.

 

I am in a state of disbelief at how this 'happened' to me - not just WD - but my life in general.  Where did I go wrong? How did I get to this place?  Do the answers to these questions even matter?

 

I am adrift and don't know what to do or where to begin to improve my life. Where does one start?

 

Sending you lots of love, hugs, understanding, empathy and support.

SSU xxx

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sunnysideup69

And I totally relate to what you're saying, btw. I have been over and over the 'what if I hadn't fast tapered in 2016? Why did I ever screw up my CNS with recreational drugs in my younger years? Why me? Why did I have the childhood I had?' And feeling resentful and bewildered. I made some misinformed choices along the way, but I was also dealt some tricky cards to start with.

 

And as @Erell says, the only way to deal with all of this is acceptance. When I'm feeling well, that's easy ;) At times like today, it's really tricky.

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Guilietta

Thanks @Erell and at @sunnysideup69 for your empthy, support and wisdom.  I don't know if they are worse than the anxiety. 🙄 These feelings and beliefs are flare up periodically as I try to find a way to make things better. In WD they are more intense and frequent - and I just couldn't keep them to myself any more. I am glad I did  because you  both came me so many new and helpful ideas to approach this with.

 

6 hours ago, Erell said:

But, whatever we would like to change in our past, we can't.  The only thing we can do is accept this past. The only thing we have is the now.

Thinking of the past lead us To mourning and self blaming. Thinking of the future lead us To fear. 

 

Yes - I tell myself that I must accept the past and try to learn from past poor choices, bad decisions, etc. Living in the present is at times almonst inbearable.  Generally I   accept this (while trying to plan for a happier future wtih the best I have). I marvel at your intelligent stoicism to this. Still - acceptane is an awfully bitter pill to swallow.

 

5 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I have been over and over the 'what if I hadn't fast tapered in 2016? Why did I ever screw up my CNS with recreational drugs in my younger years? Why me? Why did I have the childhood I had?' And feeling resentful and bewildered. I made some misinformed choices along the way, but I was also dealt some tricky cards to start with.

 

Me too. More than one year lost on just cymbalta (not counting the disruptions and side effects since 2015 - which have been far worse than nearly every anti-consulvant I took). I was also dealt tricky cards - from a chronic and sometimes unmanageable illness and its consequences to other emotional traumas .Should I have had surgery (when it became available)  isntead of the meds - which have very likelky left me with long-term cognitive limations.  I can understand why one uses recreational drugs to get through the misery of life even though I never did.  :) 

 

5 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Why did I have the childhood I had?' And feeling resentful and bewildered. I made some misinformed choices along the way

 

Quite. I wish I had benefited from guidance and more affection during my journey. It would have made a huge difference.  Resentful as anything. I know peope grew up and live without food or enough food. I can't imagine how terrible that is. But still - why us?

 

5 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

the only way to deal with all of this is acceptance. When I'm feeling well, that's easy

 

Poignant. Telling myself 'it is what it is' one can accept on these days.  It is penguin feathers a friend told me years ago. Penguin feathers are apparently greasy/slippery so things roll right off them... :)

 

On the good days I tell myself that I can move forward with some kind of plan and (small) goal and have a sense of satisfaction (like doing a bit of a task - like paperwork, cleaning some of the flat. Without any forward momentum there is more anxiety for me. It seems a catch 22. We are 'damned if we do and damned if we don't.' That said - planning and decision making is stressful.

 

I believe that you and us all will move past this and live a life of meaning and happiness. Hold onto this thought. Others around us are proof. I am feeling a bit better today - as you may be able to tell. I woke kup feeling this way.

 

I am really sorry you are not, @sunnysideup69.

 

Hugs and love to you both and thank you for sharing your wisdom.  🤗 🤗

 

Giuilieltta

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sunnysideup69
6 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

I believe that you and us all will move past this and live a life of meaning and happiness. Hold onto this thought. Others around us are proof. I am feeling a bit better today - as you may be able to tell. I woke kup feeling this way.

 

I am really sorry you are not, @sunnysideup69.

 

Aaw thank you...I'm beginning to regain a bit of composure this afternoon, so am hopefully digging my way out of the emotional spiral I fell into. 

 

I'm really glad to read you are feeling a bit better, and I also believe we will all heal. I've had days of happiness and they are wonderful. More are coming. It's a difficult journey, this healing journey, but it will be worth it in the end.

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Guilietta
2 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

hopefully digging my way out of the emotional spiral I fell into. 

 

Funny. This is similar to the analogy I used yesterday with the therapist. It's like being a box without a ladder or in a maze....we do cherish the happy days (or happy moments or parts of days) - and that we are making it through this bit by bit. :)

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Rhiannon

Glad to hear you've had a bit of a break, having a slightly better day. So glad that the transition to beads has gone fairly smoothly for you, too. I know you agonized over that for so long, it must be a relief to be on the other side.

 

I also wanted to let you know that we're having kind of a staffing crisis at work, so I'll be working a little more for a while, so I won't have as much time to spend on the forum. So don't be concerned if you don't see me around. I'm doing fine, in the "withdrawal normal" sense, just chugging along and trying to take care of myself. Work stress is kind of a bummer, I think I will treat myself to a couple of massages this month. Basically my life is actually just fine, good enough, things are okay. After so many years of struggling just to survive sometimes it's hard to actually realize I'm okay now. Not storybook fantastic but good enough. I'll take it.

 

Well that turned into a ramble... 🙂

Hugs

Rhiannon

 

 

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Guilietta

Thursday update - thanks for listening.

 

This seems to have been a bad week off and on since last Wednesday afternoon's elevated anxiett and palpitations started. Thnak you for your kind words. We all seem to be surfing - unfortunately my coastal waters are about 30 F. 😎

 

Yesrterday was thankfullky good untl late afternoon. Exhausted in the af ternoon and went to bed early. This morning started with cortisol spikes at 4.30 a.m. (often the case).

 

Got up at 7 and, breakfasted and after 7.30 started with weak and unstable legs and dizziness and worse dizziness with turning my head. Nausea. Foggy thinking and a lot of fatigue (uusuallly cortisol spikeks. Trouble spelling and organizing/remembering thoughts. Chills. At least turning up the heat and grabbing a sweater can be my Hope I start to feel better soon.

 

Really sorry for @Erell who is having more emotional turmoil with family illness and work grief and @sunnysideup69 also grief at work.

 

We'll all move past this.

 

I'm going to bug off for a whle and have positive thoughts. Madde it to my room and desk to sit. This is an excuse to draft a few thank you notes to people so all is not too bad. 

 

Thanks for listening.  Hugs. Giuilietta 🤗

 

 

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Sassenach

Hi Guilietta

 

Just dropped by to thank you, @sunnysideup69 and @mustafa for your kindness and help to Erell.

We will get there eventually, good luck and thank you.

 

 

Sass

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Rhiannon

Hugs G, thinking of you. Hang in there and keep surfing those cold waters. It's hard to see sometimes, but you're healing.

 

 

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sunnysideup69
14 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Hi Guilietta

 

Just dropped by to thank you, @sunnysideup69 and @mustafa for your kindness and help to Erell.

We will get there eventually, good luck and thank you.

 

 

Sass

Most welcome xxxxx

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sunnysideup69

@Guilietta, thank you for your support. I've calmed down a bit. This WD is so weird, I sometimes feel as if I've been possessed by another person entirely. Am going out now and will write you properly in the morning xxx

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Guilietta

Hello @sunnysideup69 @Sassenach @Rhiannon

 

I'm grateful for the support and encouragement of you  - and @Erell and @mustafa the past two weeks. It's been crazy.

 

7 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

This WD is so weird, I sometimes feel as if I've been possessed by another person entirely

 

Does it ever.  ;)

 

If I was not aware that this amalgamation of symptoms - physical, cognitive and emotional - were part and parcel of WD - I'd be in the MDs office constantly.

 

I'm astounded by the difference in organizational thought and typing from this morning's message to this evening's. As @sunnysideup69 clairvoyantly said, it's like be possessed by another person....

 

Erell is having a tough go of it, poor thing. I feel just terrible for her. We will all, however, make it through this together.

 

Hugs to all 🤗

Giuilietta

 

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Guilietta

Started week 2 on .4 mg beads (target is total of 6 weeks on .4 mg).

 

Day did not start off that great after a draining day. Feeling overwhelmed by everything and don't know how to make things better. 😢 I need some advice.

 

Continuing  an apparent wave with physical symptoms which I can deal with including heart pounding and palpitations, weak legs/dizziness/head turns and chair bound (2 days for 3 hours each - this is a repeat of September's experience - which were limting), cortisol spikes, tingling on scalp, gut pain, high levels of anxiety, tinnitus and other nuisance things.

 

Emotional roller coaster - really miserable.   I am less compassionate, more impatient and more irritable. Despair, helplessness, hopelessness, compelling need to escape my life situation and anger at self for inability to problem solve my situation. I don't see accepting my situation as something I can do on a long term basis or how to improve it.  This is borne out by not being able to improve things (in part affected by WD).

 

I want to try and have a normal life and a future in which I can be happy and can't envision it. It might as well be a piece of fiction.

 

I don't know how to deal with my feelings and situation and am beyond being 'stuck in a rut'. @Rhiannon @sunnysideup69 @Tom37how did you move past these issues (if you had them)?

 

I see this as a potential emotional spiral / hole that I need to stop and these kinds of issues can't be solved by physical activity.

 

I need to make an action plan and don't know what. It is full of what if's and anxiety.

  • Try to get a a job and hold it down? If I try to work and am not able to - I  risk losing my SSDI.
  • If I just move away (first) and then try to get a job - I may have few choices I can afford to live safely and may not find a job. I would lose my life savings (such as it is). There is the guilt of leaving family behind.
  • I live in such an expensive area I can't afford low income housing.
  • Renting a room in someone else's home - I'm not sure would be any better.

Does anyone have any thoughts about how I could improve my situation?

 

This morning's litany of despair was seconded by my dog vomiting again and parents coming home to find it - and I hadn't been there to see it and clean up right away. 

  • I have repeatedly thought of finding a  new home for my dog - whom I love dearly - but he has become almost more than I can manage (or I wouldn't be writing this).
  • The anger at myself for having these thoughts, the guilt of considering this - and knowing that he loves me and I would miss him - is just rotten.
  • His health issuses, which are not his fault - and one takes care of our pets in their old age -are pushing me to the end of my rope. This may be emotional thinking and not a rationale response. It is however a pattern.

I have thought so many times of packing up essentials and driving away or getting on a plane. I don't honestly know if this would solve anything or make my situation worse.

 

Sorry about all this. I've really overwhelmed.

 

 


 

 

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Rhiannon

Oh G, I'm sorry. This is just crappy, I know. I have been there. All the "what ifs", that feeling of being trapped. "Feeling overwhelmed by everything and don't know how to make things better." I mean really that is the bottom line. 

 

I know it doesn't help to hear this, but yes: you are in a drug-and-withdrawal-induced unnatural emotional and mental state that is not really "you." Everything you are describing sounds really familiar, both from my own experiences and from hearing other people describe it over and over. We all go through this, times when it just feels like everything is just too freaking much. And all the "what ifs".

 

And if I had a dollar for every plan I have made for how to fix things -- well I might not be a millionaire but I could afford a nice spa vacation for sure.

 

I think all you can do at this point is 1) go back to the basics 2) do what you're doing, reach out for support and 3) just keep walking through it, each day, day by day.

 

Basics:  You know all the basics because I hear you all the time giving other people such helpful advice for self-care. Meditation, gentle exercise, eating right, sleeping as well as you can. Just keep ticking off the boxes, even though it feels pointless and mindless and meaningless and not at all helpful right now. Just tick them off anyway.

 

Support:  You are doing that, keep doing it. Ask for help, and when you are feeling stronger, keep helping others the way you always do so gracefully. If you can get social support in real time from people in your everyday life, do that, even if it doesn't feel very comfortable or soothing. We are social creatures and we have a deep need for connection.

 

Just keep going:  The only cure is time. You may be going through some chemical chaos right now due to reinstating the beads. Your brain will adapt to that; it might take more than 6 weeks or it might not. Give it the time it needs. You know how this process works, even though right now it feels like nothing is working and nothing can be counted on and nothing is helping and there's no point to any of it. All those thoughts and feelings are part of the process. It's hard, it's the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do, but you have done great in the past and you are doing great now and you are going to get through this. Just keep walking through one day to the next.

 

Later, you will be in a place where you actually will find it easier to make decisions about your life and take action. I'm not in your shoes so I can't say for certain, you have to use your own judgment, but it seems to me that right now, after this recent reinstatement and in the emotional turmoil you are in, is not a good time to make big decisions about anything in your life, if you don't have to. 

 

Hang in there, love. Hang in there. You are worth it.

Edited by Rhiannon

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Gridley
31 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

I need to make an action plan and don't know what. It is full of what if's and anxiety.

 

I'm so sorry you're not doing well.

 

I think Rhi is right about not making any big decisions now. This is a time for self-love and coddling yourself.  You just made the crossover to the beads, and that's going to take some time to settle in.  Just give yourself that time.  

 

Just my opinion, but the items in your action plan sound like they would cause more stress than the status quo.  Anyway, now is not a good time to make big decisions.

 

Ah, your dog.  Well, that's one that does straight to my heart.  I wouldn't make any decisions about that either.  What are his health problems?

 

We are all here for you.

 

Gridley

 

 

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Guilietta

Hello @Rhiannon and @Gridley

 

Thank you both for your replies. I will @Rhiannon's thoughtful and lengthy response when I am more clear headed. I am really feeling unloved and unwelcome by those closest to me (family) so this affects how I feel about myself.  Just because one may be 'loved' - when it is not demonstrated - that's a whole other point isn't it.

 

 

 

I don't know if the beads are affecting my emotional/cognitive state - but it was I believe the right choice to make. I know now how I much I am getting - 2 beads a day. So - when I quit - and I am already in PAWs - we will know from what. Wouldn'nt it be be awful it was higher than .4. Thanks to you for advising and supporting me through the difficult decision and this.

 

I'll write more about my little boy later, too. I couldn't imagine life without him and I want him to have a happy life and for him to feel loved by everyone in the household. He and I together are in the same boat together about looking for a happier living situation. We both deserve better.

 

Today really is an emotional, unpleasant day. Looking forward to church tomorrow.  Would go today as well but I don't want to leave my little one home. 

 

Thanks to you both dear @Gridley and dear @Rhiannon

 

Hope you are both well,

 

Giuilietta

 

 

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