Jovie -- I need to find me again.

[Jovie]

Hi all, new here. I'm 24 years old and by some miracle I have survived to 10.5 months off of the evil drug known as Klonopin. I was on give or take 1mg for 4 years, in tolerance wd hell the entire time not knowing what was happening to me. worst suffering one could possibly experience. At this point I'd say most days I'm 50-60% healed from benzos. But I have survived much more than that, and am far from completely healed.

 

I was started on other psych drugs at age 15 due to nervous tics as a child. I am naturally very sensitive and all they did was create SIDE EFFECTS in me, which then led the drs to try to "treat" those side effects, eventually diagnosing me with all sorts of bogus labels, none of which were accurate at all. I experienced every side effect you can think of. The most profound is still memory loss. I cannot remember 80% of high school. The trauma that this put me through i can't even begin to describe. My mom had me on virtually every psych drug because the drs told her it was necessary to keep trying this next drug. My body was in agony. As for my mind... I checked out. High school was a blur, I was sedated beyond belief and would skip school just to be able to home and get the sleep my poor sedated body was desperate for. I retreated into myself to cope, but that only made them dish out more drugs!! I talked to absolutely no one, and in my trauma pulled all the hair out of my head. (very ashamed to say that, but it must be said.) They saw the fatigue as depression, and they just looked at every side effect as somtehing else they need to cure!! seriously... they had me jump from just one thing to the next, until I'd been on literally every AD, and even an antipsychotic and mood stabilizers too!! The drugs turned me into a different person, a zombie and a shell of a human being. I look back on it and I don't know where I was. Where did I go those years? Because I was definitely not there.

 

Needless to say I am EXTREMELY bitter about those years. it makes me cry to just write this. just the other day I tried to have a conversation with my mom asking her for an appology for drugging me up and destroying my life those high school years, (said much kinder of course lol) but she refused.

 

I still am taking Trazodone to sleep. I've always had sleep onset insomnia my whole life and now with the wd it's been too much. Still experiencing many symptoms.

 

I am here to find out what's me, and what was/is wd this whole time. Since being on psych drugs at such a young age and reacting so violently to them, with literally debilitating side effects for all those years, I have no idea who I am. I want to find people who have been through similar and can help me.

 

 

Jovie.

[Barbarannamated]

Jovie,

Glad you found your way here. I'm so sorry for what you've been thru. KUDOS for getting off everything - that's awesome! I'm still on Klonopin and trazodone at nite, so it's encouraging that you've gotten down to just trazodone.

This is a good place to vent your anger - we understand. You might find the stories of Alex, Claudius, Cinephile, and Goldy of interest as they began at young ages (I'm sure there are more, but those come to mind). There was another person in her 20s who posted briefly and described how emotions were emerging and effecting her young marriage (i'll try to find the Intro).

We all trusted the medical community and I suspect your mother was doing what she thought was best for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch a child suffering and getting worse. We all want to cling to 'those who are supposed to know how to help'. If it helps....my husband is an MD and has also taken several pdrugs for depression, sleep, ADD. I think there are many docs who have trusted the drugs and suggested to loved ones (see 'drb' introduction).

 

I want to give you the biggest {{{HUG}}} !! You have been through alot, but you've already come SO FAR. You will heal and find who you are. I still haven't figured that out myself

 

I'm excited for you - you survived alot of crap and have a full life to look forward to.

 

Barb

[Altostrata]

Hello, Jovie, welcome to our community.

 

I am so sorry you've been through this. Yes, some of us are so sensitive to side effects, we should never take psychiatric drugs. They're not for everyone. It's a crime none of your doctors realized what you were going through -- but it's brilliant that you recognized it and are entering a new phase of your life.

 

Who am I? -- a big question! We're all looking for that answer.

 

Thank you for joining us.

[alexjuice]

Hi Jovie,

Wow. It sounds like you've been through the ringer and it's such a shame, especially because I know so much of what you speak.

 

I got started on medication as a teen and developed side effects leading to more drugs more diagnoses and on and on.

 

You have every right to be angry. I think on this site you will find others who've experienced similar nightmares. I know from experience that most normal people aren't able to be of much help because they don't get the dangers of these drugs nor can conceive how huge mistakes occur when a person becomes something like an inverted Drug pyramid with more and more drugs needed for the problems caused by the drugs on the level below.

 

Welcome to the forum, Jovie.

 

Alex

[Barbarannamated]

'Normal' is very overrated

[Jovie]

Thank you for replying. I know I have to let go of this anger toward what happened to me but I don't know how. It is also just so hard not knowing what's "me" so what I should try to fix, or what is the drugs and will get better.

[Barbarannamated]

Anger is appropriate and can be motivating to a point - don't beat yourself up about how you feel - I have alot of anger that I haven't processed yet -

Again JMHO

[elizabeth11]

Your anger is very understandable. And finding me is what we all want to do.

 

I started on the ADs after I got out of college. No one every told me how they could rewire the brain. No one every told me that my body would become so addicted to them...that the ADs would cause me to dope myself through my 30s and not do much of anything with that time. Although I don't have memory loss, as you mention, I realize it is a lost time that I could have done so much more with.

 

Experience and feel the anger. I'm sure your mother thought she was doing the best she could, although we know her decision was not what was right for you. When I came of the ADs I felt a lot of emotions for the first time...they say when you come of the hard illicit drugs, your emotional age is the same is it was when you went on them. In our case, we have to help our emotional brain grow to where we now are chronoligically. Your age..being young..being a fighter is very much in your favor!

 

<<hugs>>

[Karma]

Hi Jovie,

 

I think Jovie was the name of the female elf in the the Christmas classic "Elf" starring Will Ferrell ... we watch that movie every holiday season ... but I digress.

 

It is very normal to feel angry - I agree that you need to experience it, but then you need to let it go. Your mother did the best she could do with the information she had, with the information she was given and she did it to help her child because she was not given any alternatives ... we've all been through this in some way. If we had known then what we know now we might have made different choices.

 

The only way to deal with an emotion is to experience it to get to the other side. Try writing a letter to your mother and/or the doctors, even the pharmaceutical companies and put all of your anger into it ... then burn it and let it go.

 

I don't know if you are spiritual at all, but I do this thing called casting the burden - "I cast the burden of my concerns, frustrations, anger, etc on the Great Spirit within and I go free to live my own divine right life successfully." If you believe in Christ you can cast the burden on the Christ within ... sometimes I have to repeat it to myself for some time ... sometimes I just do it three times a day and let it go. It has really helped me.

 

Holding a grudge only impacts you ... it has no effect on the doctors or pharmaceutical companies ... it takes your energy. You need your energy to work on healing.

 

Hope something here helps.

 

Love and light

Karma

[Jovie]

Hi, I think I posted a while back and haven't really been active since. Well, here I am again and I am still struggling. My very brief history is this: Klonopin for 4 years, then prescribed other benzos and hard core psych drugs to unknowlingly treat interdose wd symptoms by a script-happy dr. Complete and utter hell, almost lost my life. 2 years and 7 months ago I did a c/t, before I knew how to do a proper dose reduction. Oh well, there was no going back. Physically symptoms are healed just left with mental symptoms, which are still BAD. 

 

I was taking Trazodone to deal with the withdrawal insomnia, otherwise I would have simply never slept. In all the panic and obsession of withdrawal I thought hey, maybe the trazodone is causing some of these intolerable mental symptoms I'm still having. So I c/t that too, on about October 1st of this year. So it hasn't been too long off that one. I know c/ts are bad but my anxiety gets so intense that I feel like I'm poisoning myself and just can't stand to take the drug anymore

 

So understandably, I am now having an even harder time. I seem to have developed OCD during all this withdrawal, whether it's actually me or just a withdrawal symptom, I don't know, but I have it, and the thoughts and obsessions are out of control and making my life so, so hard and scary.

 

I need to know if you think it would be wise for me to reinstate the trazodone, to see if that will give me any relief? 

thanks for reading

[Altostrata]

Hi, Jovie. Here's your topic. Only one to a customer in the Intro forum.

 

Do you feel better now that you're off trazodone?

[Jovie]

Altostrata, I did feel better when I got off it, and for about a month afterwards. But now I feel worse..

[Altostrata]

How's your sleep?

[Jovie]

My sleep is surprisingly ok for once, although usually one night a week I cannot sleep at all. But it's an enormous improvement... I can actually fall asleep on my own most of the time. It's a miracle

[Aria]

Jovie,

I was on way too many psych drugs and had an experience so similar to yours (given more drugs for side effects seen as worsening mental illness, etc). Your body is still healing after everything it went through. It took me a while too but I'm me again (thank goodness).

 

Happy New Year for healing, more recovery.

[Altostrata]

Jovie, how would you describe this OCD?

 

Do you have any other symptoms?

[Jovie]

Aria - thanks How long did it take for you to heal?

 

 

 

Alto- A lot of symptoms have healed. I had it bad, pretty much every symptom under the sun, especially mental ones for some reason. The ones I still have are hormonal sensitivity (flare up of symptoms during my cycles), depersonalization, brain fog, weak immune system, sensitivity to supplements/foods. By far the biggest are anxiety, depression, and this OCD.  The OCD is the pure-o type, just obsessional, obsessions focusing around my own mental health. The biggest obsession is the fear that I am going insane. Lots of racing, intrusive crazy thoughts. I never had thoughts quite like these before benzos. My mind is naturally imaginative to begin with so I think it imagines what a "crazy" person would think and freaks me out. It's very confusing and painful. 

[Altostrata]

You might find cognitive behavioral therapy techniques helpful, or DIY "change the channel" http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/846-change-the-channel-dealing-with-cognitive-symptoms/

[Jovie]

I could try it. So you don't think reinstating trazodone would be a  good or bad idea?

I am having a lot of frequent urination - a symptom I know for sure is a sign of trazodone withdrawal for me because in the past if I'd ever miss a dose I'd be peeing like mad. 

[Altostrata]

Yes, cold turkey was not a good idea.

 

I suppose you could reinstate a tiny dose and see if it helps. How much were you taking? Do you have any left?

 

Titrating trazodone: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2883-tips-for-tapering-off-trazodone-desyrel/

[Aria]

I took me a good two years to heal after years of tapering. My sleep is still a mess but I'll take it over drugged sleep any time. Give yourself a pat on the back for how far you've come, Jovie.