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lexapoison: 3 weeks off Lexapro / escitalopram

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lexapoison

Thank you guys for your responses. I’m not strong like you guys, I can’t continue like this for months or years. You I admire your guys’ strength. Please mods any advice on reinstating or is that a bad idea now. If it’s literally to the point of life and dead should I get on a benzo to help with my withdrawals and taper the benzo later?

 

i feel like the mods have given up on me like my family and everyone around me has.

 

i love you guys.

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ChessieCat

A gentle FYI.  The mods are volunteers who assist members as they are able to.  Most of us are also going through our own withdrawal issues.  Different mods also have varying knowledge and experience, meaning that a mod may not respond to a member because they do not have the knowledge.

 

27 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

should I get on a benzo to help with my withdrawals and taper the benzo later?

 

SA is not anti-drug.  However, SA's goal is to help members to reduce or get off their drug.  Taking a benzo to cover true withdrawal symptoms is not generally a good idea.  It is better to reinstate the drug that you brain has adapted to.

 

BUT the thing that I noted, and I think I made a comment about it earlier, was that in your first post you stated that you had a bad reaction when you started taking Lexapro.

 

When reinstating it is best to try a small amount (which you did), especially if you have had a bad reaction previously.  This is because you can be in withdrawal from the drug because the brain has adapted to it so your brain needs it and that a small reinstatement dose might be enough to reduce the withdrawal symptoms but not cause a bad reaction.  You did mention that you felt the same when you reinstated as you did when you first started the drug.

 

BUT you also were/are? very anxious and you did start to panic, going by the fact that you were going to go to hospital (or did).  Because of the various factors in a short period of time it makes it very difficult to work out what is really going on.  Did you truly have an adverse reaction to the drug?  You may best judge of that.

 

This is where the daily symptom notes come in.  We need 3 consecutive days with things kept the same (drug dose, time etc) to provide some sort of baseline.

 

It's also important to understand that there is no quick fix or magic that can heal us.  It takes time to stabilise, whether from going off a drug too quickly or from an adverse reaction, in many cases much longer than we would like.  It can also be very frustrating.  However learning to accept that it is what it is at this time can help reduce the stress.   Acceptance   SA strongly recommends that members learn and use non drug coping techniques to get through the discomfort.  Doing relaxation and breathing exercises throughout the day can help to calm your nervous system.  Links were given previously.

 

I suggest that you set a reminder for several times throughout the day and use some relaxation techniques.  That way you will be given your nervous system some "time out" and it might help to stop the build up happening because you are reducing it before it gets to the "boiling point".  Like a relief valve.

 

So instead of     l l l l l l l l l l l l l     it's     l l l l l ll l l l l ll l l l l l

 

 

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lexapoison

First of all ChessieCat, thank you for responding and yes I completely understand. Yes,  I am currently in a constant state of panic, all times of the day. The RI at .5mg definitely had an immediate adverse reaction on me, it definitely felt way too strong and sent me for a ride. I was only on .25mg for 2 days so it’s truly hard to tell and it could have been the .5mg RI that was giving me the negative side effects. I can tell you I am much worse now after starting and stopping the RI, but maybe I would have gotten this bad even if I wouldn’t have attempted the RI. 

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Len189
7 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Thank you guys for your responses. I’m not strong like you guys, I can’t continue like this for months or years. I admire your guys’ strength.

 

Yes, you are strong. You have endured this horrible experience so far. You wouldn't be able to do that unless you're strong. Whether you decide to try reinstatement or a benzo to get some relief does not make you weak. Everyone experiences all of this differently due physiological, psychological, social factors, type/duration of medication use and much more. I agree that it's best to let the CNS heal without use of other drugs, but it can become so torturous that you don't see an alternative.

 

I'm also considering using a benzo, betablocker or something to get through the worst myself, but I'm terrified it can make things worse. Then I get a window where I feel slightly okay-ish (though dreading the next wave) and get a bit of hope that I can get through without. You do what you feel is best for you, knowing full well that there are risks. Either way it does not make you weak or anything of the sort. You have been put in an absolutely horrendous situation that is unique to you and that no one should have to endure.

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lexapoison

Len that was a very nice post thank you. I don’t think I’m weak for thinking of taking a benzo. I’ve literally and I mean literally hit my limit with these symptoms and I NEED relief. I need a break from hell. I’ve read here before that in order to recover you have to be alive. So if a benzo will help keep me alive to get through these crazy symptoms, so be it. I can’t say it’s the right thing to do, I wish I could make it without taking something to get some kind of relief but it’s just to overwhelming. On a scale of 1/10 my symptoms are quite literally 20.

 

I’m very sorry about your story but am really optimistic you will heal a lot sooner than you think.

 

I was against any type of medication my whole life and took lexapro (the only medication I had ever took) when I didn’t need to with people telling me to do it, that it was nothing. It’s something that I can’t live down. I think about it everyday how I wish I would have never took the pill the first night. I also think about all the things that led up to that moment that maybe if they wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t have took the pill or even knew what it was.

 

I know acceptance is key but I don’t think I can ever accept or be okay with what I did and what has happened to me. I think that’s my biggest problem. Like I’ve said I’m not strong like most on here, at least I don’t think. When I’m living in hell each and everyday and life is going on all around me it’s a hard pill to swallow and a hard thing to accept.

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lexapoison

And wow, what a post from the Ethan. I’m so happy for you, that’s truly amazing. I’m praying for everyone on this site tonight. Healed or not you’re all getting a prayer that’s going to help each and everyone of you. 

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Len189

You're very welcome. I shouldn't have used the word weak. No one who experiences this is weak, however they respond. What I meant was that I don't think it's true when you say "I’m not strong like you guys". Our experiences can vary greatly and it's difficult to compare them.

 

I can relate to pretty much all of what you're saying. I understand the need for relief. As mentioned, I get windows where the symptoms are somewhat tolerable. If you don't do that, I can definitely understand why you feel the need to do something and that various coping mechanisms feel inadequate. Must be unbearable.

 

Thank you, I hope and believe we both start to heal in noticeable ways soon. The first months are usually the worst from what I understand. That gives me some form of hope.

 

I totally get what you're saying about acceptance and rumination about all the things that led to the decision to take the medication. Especially since I have been through this ordeal before. How could I feel so low and succumb to the pressure when I've felt the damage it can cause before? How could I think that one pill would not be able to cause massive damage? At least you had no way of knowing what you got yourself into! I think we will both learn to accept it in time. The societal pressure to use medication is so strong and and doctors can be very persuasive. Right now we're probably still in a state of shock of what has happened to us. In time, and with healing taking place, it will lead to acceptance, I think.

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brassmonkey

Hi Lex-- I've gone back through the last several weeks of you thread.  All the information is there, there isn't much more that we can tell you.  The SA moderators do not make decisions for the members, all we can do is provide information and make suggestions.  In the end what a person does is up to them.  We have provided information on reinstatement several times and explained that it is not a quick process.  It takes much more than the three days you allowed for it to work. In addition we have provided information on non-drug coping techniques that is used by many of our members with good success, I see no evidence that you have tried any of these techniques.  They need to be used and practiced to be effective.

 

The one thing that has stood out from all of your posts is a defeatist attitude.  We are all angry and frustrated with the position we have found ourselves in, but we can not allow that anger and frustration rule the day.  All of us have the inner strength to make it through this process, which by the way is not fatal.  ADWD will not kill you, it will just make you extremely uncomfortable for a very long time.  Our aim is to minimize that discomfort using the techniques we have learned over the years of working with many thousands of people like yourself.

 

The moderation staff here is made up entirely of volunteers that have been or are currently going through exactly what you are.  We truly understand where you're coming from, but you have to want to work with us for anything productive to happen.  Until you make up your mind that you want this to happen we are at an impasse. 

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lexapoison

Thank you, Brassmonkey. Since you’ve worked with thousands and I know you’re very knowledgeable, do you believe reinstatement is my best bet right now? I know everyone is different but you’ve read my story, I know it’s impossible to tell for sure but do you honestly believe reinstatement is definitely the route I should take? 

 

The burning headaches are incredible and the burning in my body is pretty nuts too. 

 

The insomnia is horrible.

 

The worst is the psychological aspects, the fear, the no emotions, the anxiety, the panic, the dp. These are the worst.

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Hisame

I'm sorry for what happening to you lexapoison, hope you will get better !

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lexapoison

Thank you hiasme.

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lexapoison

Quit Lexapro got physical symptoms of brain zaps and tight headaches in forehead about a week later. Was sleeping great but was a wreck. Physical symptoms had pretty much went away after 1.5 weeks.

 

Tried vaping 2.5 weeks after quitting Lexapro brought back the physical symptoms along with insomnia and burning sensations all over my body and very lucid dreams.

 

RI .5mg of Celexa brought back worse insomnia, brain zaps and numb penis, a really drugged feeling and insane headaches. Though I think .5mg was way too high though.

 

 

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Hisame
13 hours ago, lexapoison said:

RI .5mg of Celexa brought back worse insomnia, brain zaps and numb penis, a really drugged feeling and insane headaches. Though I think .5mg was way too high though.

 

Sure it was. You should have tried 1 mg. But What is done is done.

It reminds me 4 years ago, when I tried to reinstate 20 mg of paxil and had an adverse reaction.

When we feel really bad, then we panic, and make mistake.... That's human.

Try to hang on !

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ChessieCat

@Hisame

 

It was 0.5mg of Celexa.  Member had been taking Lexapro (a stronger sibling of Celexa).  So it was a very small dose.

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Hisame
7 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

@Hisame

 

It was 0.5mg of Celexa.  Member had been taking Lexapro (a stronger sibling of Celexa).  So it was a very small dose.

Sorry, I read 5, didn't see the point before 5 😵

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lexapoison

Brassmonkey, mod, plz help. Do I reinstate? I’m doing really really bad.

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ChessieCat
On 9/1/2019 at 3:57 AM, brassmonkey said:

I've gone back through the last several weeks of you thread.  All the information is there, there isn't much more that we can tell you.  The SA moderators do not make decisions for the members, all we can do is provide information and make suggestions.  In the end what a person does is up to them.  We have provided information on reinstatement several times and explained that it is not a quick process.  It takes much more than the three days you allowed for it to work. In addition we have provided information on non-drug coping techniques that is used by many of our members with good success, I see no evidence that you have tried any of these techniques.  They need to be used and practiced to be effective.

 

BrassMonkey has already responded, quoted above, with emphasis added by me.  You have the information.  The moderators are not going to tell you what to do.  We understand how difficult it is, and many of us have been in a situation where we have had to make a decision about what to do.  Only you can make the decision.

 

I suggest you go back through you topic and read/re-read the information which has already been provided.

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Len189
3 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Brassmonkey, mod, plz help. Do I reinstate? I’m doing really really bad.

 

So sorry to hear that, I hope you find some relief soon, whatever you decide on!

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getofflex

Lexapoison, I'm praying for you.  I'm struggling too.  This Lexapro is vile, nasty stuff.  

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lexapoison

Is it unheard of for people to have major recovery in just months instead of years? Have there been members who healed quickly?

 

Also, I’m not asking anyone to make the decision for me. I’m simply asking, based on my circumstances, and since some mods have helped many people make the right decision and lead in the right direction, is reinstating again advised. I have read through the articles and yes reinstatement is advised as early on as possible. But due to how I reinstated celexa and how it may or may have not have effected me, and my current symptoms, and length of time off lexapro is it still advised that I reinstate and hold steady? I’m not asking for someone to say yes reinstate cause it will def work I’m  simply asking if you were in my shoes, do you think it would be wise to reinstate?

 

Thank you!

 

Symptoms:

 

Akathisia

Anhedonia

Anxiety

Panic

SI

Insomnia

Dp/Dr

Foggy mind

Bad memory

Can’t concentrate

Burning/tight headaches in forehead

Burning sensation on face and eyes 

Sensitive to light and sounds and foods pretty much everything 

Slight brain zaps

Slight body jerks 

General feeling that I’ve gone crazy 

 

Drug History:

5 weeks of 10mg of Lexapro

2 weeks of 5mg of Lexapro

2 weeks of 2.5mg of Lexapro

 

7.5 weeks off of Lexapro.

 

Reinstated celexa 3 weeks ago at .5mg, skipped a day then .25mg for two days and then quit.

 

Thinking I’m pretty kindled at this point based on my symptoms, thinking the vaping of nicotine I did attributed pretty big to my kindling.

 

Also take .5mg of Ativan every 3 to 5 days. And attempt the non drug coping techniques provided to me with very little relief. 

 

Thank you.

 

 

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ChessieCat
1 hour ago, lexapoison said:

I’m  simply asking if you were in my shoes, do you think it would be wise to reinstate?

 

This has already been answered, see below:

 

On 9/1/2019 at 3:57 AM, brassmonkey said:

 

I've gone back through the last several weeks of you thread.  All the information is there, there isn't much more that we can tell you.

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, lexapoison said:

Also take .5mg of Ativan every 3 to 5 days.

 

Ativan has a half life of about 12 hours.  Benzos can causing rebound anxiety.

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lexapoison

Thanks ChessieCat for your response! I’ve looked back through and I can’t see the where you guys mention if I should reinstate or not based on my situation? I just really want some relief sry as I’m sure everyone here can relate but don’t want to do the wrong thing without verifying. Thanks again ChessieCat!

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ChessieCat
1 hour ago, lexapoison said:

I can’t see the where you guys mention if I should reinstate or not based on my situation?

 

We are going around in circles now.  We are volunteers providing information and offering suggestions.  We do understand your frustration and indecision.  Many/all of us have experienced the same this you are going through.  Do I or don't I?  It's a tough place to be.

 

We don't know what would be the best thing to do.  This has been stated several times.  When we can see clearly that a member is experiencing withdrawal symptoms from stopping/reducing their drug too quickly we suggest reinstatement.

 

In your situation your guess is as good as ours.  We don't know if you should reinstate or not.  You tried reinstatement but there were other things in the mix (your panic and dose changes) which makes it difficult to know if the reinstatement would have worked or if you did have a bad reaction.  It takes about 4 days for a dose (the same dose) to get to full level in the blood and a bit longer for it to register in the brain.  You also stated, which I have commented on a couple times, that you felt that you had a bad reaction when you initially took your Lexapro and you stated that you felt the same way when you reinstated the Celexa.  We can't tell if you had a bad reaction or if it was caused by the panic and dose changes.

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lexapoison

.5mg def was a bad reaction was too strong I felt. Wasn’t on .25mg long enough to know. What would you guys do if you were me is what I’m saying? I’m really really struggling. Would reinstating .1mg of Lexapro be too low? 

 

Also what’s the difference of having withdrawals and being kindled? Can you have severe withdrawals without being kindled? How do you know if you’re kindled?

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lexapoison

As mods stated it’s my decision to reinstate or not and I’m choosing to reinstate lexapro as my symptoms are unbearable. My psych won’t prescribe me celexa because of the reaction I had on my reinstate so it’s got to be lexapro (tablets). Today will be 8 weeks since my fast taper. I’m thinking about reinstating .1mg-.125mg of lexapro as .5mg of celexa felt way too strong. Hopefully I can get some guidance on whether this is a recommended dose and if it can be enough to potentially stabilize on.

 

thank you guys and sorry about sounding desperate before. I appreciate every piece of info and advice you guys have provided to me and all the other members. You guys are quite literally life savers.

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lexapoison

Did my recovery start the day I quit Lexapro or did the reinstatement mess everything up and my recovery began after I stopped taking the celexa those 3 days?

 

Ive been trying to distract myself by staying on the computer for hours at a time everyday but I feel like it’s causing my upper face to have burning sensations all day. Is this bad and can it hinder my recovery?

 

Also has anybody had success reinstating such a low dose such as .1mg-.125mg of Lexapro?

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lexapoison

Also I thought I read somewhere on here that healing tends to be a bit more linear for people who have only been on a medication for a short amount of time, does anyone know if this is true?

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ShiningLight

Hang in there. I wasn't on lexapro, but your panic and deliberations about what to do next remind me of what I went through. During gabapentin fast taper, I developed a movement disorder with chorea, among many of the other horrible symptoms that you have. Like you, I had to do something NOW; it was intolerable to me.

 

So I was put on klonopin and thank god the chorea stopped. I found that to be a very public and humiliating symptom. But as soon as I got some relief from the klonopin, I became unhappy with being on the klonopin, and very frightened of becoming dependent on it. I was given a suggestion that I might try stopping the gabapentin taper and doing a fast taper of the klonopin, given that I hadn’t been on it a long time. I deliberated over every mg of that stuff I took, and every mg I cut. That is what reminds me about where you are now. It was scary because I knew I was kindled from the gabapentin.

 

In the end, I had to do what I believed in, although it was a bit hairy. I don’t actually recommend going on a benzo to cope and I don’t recommend a fast taper either; I’m just sharing my story because your anxiety and deliberations are reminding me of how I felt, too.  

 

I think the best decision is one that YOU have confidence in and that you can stick with. In that sense, no one can tell you what to do. If you don't agree with the suggestion you may not follow it, causing more problems due to all the med changes.

 

Unless you are at imminent danger of hurting yourself of someone else, I think it’s generally a good idea to stay away from the hospital. I do believe as a psych patient in CA you have the right to refuse medication. However, they will not look kindly upon you if you do that, and they may institute a legal proceeding (called Reese I think) whereby they can force medication on you.

 

I think it’s been said on this site before, and it’s sage advice...your behavior is going to elicit certain responses from people in real life. If you share your level of despair with them, it’s going to cause other people to think you need meds or to go to the hospital, because they think those things will help, and they care about you, and it’s distressing to them to see you like this. I think you kind of have to decide how much to share and how much not to share. If you do not make conscious decisions about those things, you could be put in a position where you are given many more meds that you will have to taper later. Sometimes it’s just moment by moment.

 

I think it’s likely that a good part of your distress is caused by fear about the future--like you said, being like this for months or years. It helped me to try to get in the moment, and to do something to try to improve the moment. Something simple, like pet my dog. I can remember feeling tortured because I couldn’t even get out of bed. And then I thought, OK, so I’m in this cozy bed right now, and I’m going to listen to a podcast. Right now, this moment, is tolerable. What isn’t tolerable is the fear that it will last forever, and the catastrophizing around that. So I did my best to focus on each moment, and that really helped.

 

When I was at my worst, it was so bad that I had to get out of bed and go to the kitchen 3 times in order to successfully get a little food. We’re talking open a bag of crackers and cut some cheese. I would get up, go to the kitchen (about 12 feet away), then go back to my room and lie down.

 

I can also remember feeling like I had to succumb to sheer misery. And just slogging through it, moment by moment, day by day. It was amazing to me that I could experience so much misery and still be alive. I felt repeatedly that the situation wasn’t survivable. I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself because of my sister who I love dearly, and my dogs. But I didn’t think I would survive.

 

This was the worst of my withdrawal so far, from the fast taper. It took about 10 weeks to stabilize enough to return to work part time. This was 5 months ago now. It seems like a distant memory as my confidence is slowly building and I put more time between myself and that awfulness.

 

When you start to see some improvement eventually, and realize that there are things you can do to care for yourself through this process, it is very empowering. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I can try to travel it in more comfort now. 

 

As bad as your situation is, there are so many positives in it. You were a normal functioning person before this. You haven’t lost decades of your life to these crazy drugs. You’re young. You’ve found this site. You somehow managed to get yourself off a 5150 before being transferred to a hospital...

 

I think it’s unlikely that your reaction is going to last years, especially in light of the above factors. Towards that goal, it’s important not to perturb your brain any more. If you make a lot of medication changes, that tends to make things worse. Choose a path, and stick with it long enough to get more information, and then go from there.   

Edited by ChessieCat
removed "drag files here" that somehow got copied & posted
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ShiningLight

Oh yeah, and once I started tapering the klonopin, the terror was 'is the chorea going to come back?' And once I started tapering the gabapentin again, same fear. To date, it hasn't happened. It was a very, very hard time. A lot of terror and anxiety, and the self-torturous feelings of 'if I only make the right choice, I won't suffer.' But you never know what the right thing is. You just have to guess and hope for the best. And follow the principles discussed on this site.

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lexapoison

Shininglight what a beautiful post thank you. I was in a really rough place right before reading this and this helped pull me out a bit. I’m so lost and alone, I feel even the members of this site have given up on me which is really scary and is affecting me as well but your post really lit up my moment. I’m glad you are doing better, thank God. I can’t wait for the day I show some slight improvement. Again thank you so much for your post it really opened my eyes up to a lot.

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lexapoison

My symptoms have been getting much worse it’s completely unbearable. I actually cannot put it into words nor believe how intense all of my symptoms have become.

 

The tinnitus is SO loud and switches from ear to ear, now all of a sudden have constant insanely painful headaches all day that move around, sensitive to lights and any little sound makes me jump out of my skin, anxiety and panic is through the roof like it’s never been before, fear is one of my worst symptoms and is really bad right now, akathisia is back with a vengeance, dr/dp and vision problems are at its worse, intrusive memories and feelings are constant, insomnia is bad due to the akathisia and anxiety, my personality is gone, memory is shot at times and I can’t remember anything I’ve done throughout the day, sometimes my brain just shuts down and doesn’t work and I’m just left in a state of panic and  I can’t really think I just feel like I’m on a different planet.

 

I’m also starting to think I’m having inter-dosing withdrawals of the Ativan as well because I can’t believe I’ve gotten this bad just off of the Lexapro withdrawals. Things have gotten to a whole new level I don’t know if I can get any worse and I don’t know how to cope anymore.  Please help.

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Gemma92

Hi Lexapoison. I'm sorry you're getting worse but withdrawal is not linear and some days you will feel worse and others you will feel better. You sound just like me when I was early in withdrawal. Please try to stay away from drugs and give your brain a chance to heal. I know how this will go because I was once like you and so afraid. I ended up on so many more drugs. To this day I regret it. I am almost psychotic now because of it. You were hardly ever on these drugs. I promise you will heal. If anyone should be worrying, it's me. I dug a much deeper hole than you. I was rolling on the floor crying for hours today. I cried so much that my eyelids got swollen. I know you're suffering horribly too but

do whatever you can to stay away from doctors. They will try to convince you to take more drugs. They won't help. Because the more drugs you try to take, the harder it's going to be to not take more. And then you'll be stuck tapering in a withdrawal. I've been there and I was in the pysch ward 5 times. You told me that I would heal and I am going to tell you the same thing.

You will heal! 👍 Don't let Bih Pharma win! You are stronger than you think! 

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lexapoison

Genna I’m sorry you cried today. I used to cry a lot but that is one symptom that has somewhat let up for me and it will for you too, please be strong. The past few days my brain has quite literally been dead (like literally). My short term memory is non-existent and I literally cannot think. My brain just does not work except for allowing intrusive thoughts and panic. It feels like I’ve been awake for 5 days, am high and am filled with panic. I hope this passes soon.

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ChessieCat
2 hours ago, lexapoison said:

The past few days my brain has quite literally been dead (like literally).

 

2 hours ago, lexapoison said:

My brain just does not work

 

This is catastrophic posting which here at SA we classify as working against yourself.  If your brain wasn't working you would not be able to post here.

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lexapoison

It honestly feels like my brain isn’t working. It is of course it just feels like I’ve had a lobotomy. Thinking it’s inter-dosing Ativan withdrawals because I took .5mg tonight and my insane headaches went away almost immediately 30mins later and thinking got a bit clearer (both of which are new symptoms).

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composter

Hey there, I've been there with the crippling anxiety, panic and crying from withdrawal. You WILL get through it and it will pass. 

 

In my case, after a taper that was too fast, reinstatement back to my original dose worked really well to bring my nervous system back into a normal state. From other info on this site I understand that the sweet spot for reinstatement is less than a 3 month window after your last dose. You certainly fit in that sweet spot.

 

for me It took around 2 months after reinstatement to feel functional again and 8 months to be fully stable. Are you sure the reinstatement didn't help your symptoms improve? Most of your current symptoms are still very much indicative of extreme withdrawal. 

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