lexapoison: 3 weeks off Lexapro / escitalopram

[lexapoison]

Took about an hr to fall asleep last night so probably around 2-3am. 

8am: Woke up, can’t go back to sleep lots of panic, really tired wish I could sleep. SI.

10:30am: Got out of bed feeling out of it and a bit dizzy and slight stomachache. Headaches still going a lot better. Relaxed on couch until noon.

12pm: Look .125mg of Lexapro. Went to get food and give my mom and aunt a ride to the store. Feeling really out of it but generally better I think. I don’t know if I’m actually feeling better or trying to be optimistic about the RI but I think I’m feeling better.

2pm: On way back home and at home intense urge to cry for no reason. I haven’t had these urges to cry for absolutely no reason in a long time. Usually when I cry it’s because I’m overwhelmed. This was just an urge to cry. Is .125mg too high of a RI? Maybe nothing to do with it?

3pm-5pm: Played video games. Anxiety.

5pm: Went to go eat with some family in a noisy busy place was scared to go. Hard times keeping eyes open, speech slurring, weak body (these symptoms are nothing new), out of it, strong dark thoughts where everything is bad and sends me into a mini panic. This seems to be my worst symptom.

7pm: Home. Turned down the volume and brightness of my monitor and played video games. Feeling some anxiety.

9pm: Took Ativan. Less anxiety now. Kept playing video games. 

12:30: Stopped playing video games getting ready for bed. 

1am: in bed. The dark thoughts and emotions are there.

 

Things I feel are better after RI or are just coincidence thus far:

Headaches are almost completely gone at times.

Dp/Dr seem a tiny bit better

vision seems a tiny bit better

getting quick little random feelings of what it’s like to be me

Anhedonia a bit better 

What may be worse since reinstatement:

These dark thoughts/emotions. Everything I think about, say my bed, what I’m going to do later or tomorrow or what I did earlier just gives me a horrible dark feeling and almost makes me want to panic. Is this my akathisia? It’s quite scary. Ever since being on ativan my repetitive movements have almost been non-existent from the akathisia. But I feel like these dark feelings are stronger than ever and they are constant and completely unbearable. 

Stomachache (bearable).

Slight dizziness

[lexapoison]

Couple questions: 

 

Thoughts on activia yogurt for the probiotics?

 

Also today was the first day I reused the same solution from the day before. I stored the solution in the fridge in a dark cup that I covered. I noticed some of the water evaporated to the cover that I put on top of the cup. Wouldn’t that make the solution more potent with Lexapro? I also noticed a lot of white material that would settle to the bottom of the cup no matter how much I mixed the solution which didn’t happen yesterday. Also the solution tasted stronger today. Yesterday I remembered taking the solution and paying close attention to the taste of it and it had just a slight tiny bitterness taste. Today the bitterness tasted more pronounced like there was more medicine in the 1mL. I mixed it thoroughly. 

[lexapoison]

I’m really scared I took too much is this possible if I followed all the steps correctly? I’m breaking out into a sweat, have a stomachache and tight pressure in my forehead. Is this just my anxiety or is it possible I took too much? The solution tasted a lot more bitter today. 

[ChessieCat]

Suggestions regarding sediment:

• make the dose up the day before and leave for 24 hours before taking, this way the sediment will be the same each time OR

• if you don't have any issue with alcohol you can add a tiny bit (always the same amount) to the water, another member said that stopped the sediment forming, I can't find the info but they said as soon as they added the alcohol the sediment lifted off the bottom

Use a jar with a lid so that you can shake it before extracting your dose, should be done just prior to extracting dose, if jar is clear you could put into a larger dark container.

 

[lexapoison]

I don’t understand, is there a risk I could have taken more even though I did everything right? Is the sediment medication or fillers?

[ChessieCat]

My suggestion was about what you could do the next time you make your solution.

 

I suggest that you throw out the current solution and start a new one.

 

If you did take end up taking a tiny bit more, you can't do anything about it.  The sediment is most probably all or at least mostly fillers.  It seems that you are obsessing over this.  You need to be chilling out and using non drug techniques and trying to keep as calm as possible.

 

I've given you two different suggestions about how you can overcome this in the future.  You either add the alcohol OR you create your solution the day before you need it so that the sediment settles before you take the first dose.

 

It is important to understand that we need to do the best with what is available to us.  No process is going to be perfect.  Even the prescription tablets can have a tiny variance in the dose and that is before we create our dose from the product.  I'm getting my Pristiq tablets compounded.  I would think that there may be a small variance in the doses that the pharmacist creates.  But there is nothing that I can do about that.  But I assume that the way the compounder creates my capsules is more accurate than what I would be able to get from weighing my doses, however BrassMonkey did successfully manage to taper all the way to almost the very end using a Gemini20 scale.  The last doses he weighed and then divided up visually/manually.  We have members here who are tapering beads and the beads are different sizes.  They have to do the best that they can to get the dose they need.

 

When we add stress the brain has to deal with what is in actually fact a non existent threat, but it doesn't know that.  As an example, when we experience the lose of a person or beloved pet it is not unusual to develop of cold because our resistance is lower and the body/brain has difficulty dealing with both the stress and the viral attack.  When I experienced an earthquake here in Australia I broke out in hives.  We only occasionally get the tiniest tremors which feel like minor vibration from a truck.

[lexapoison]

I understand and yes I believe we’re doing things the best we can. I think I’m just going to make a fresh new solution everyday. Curious about brassmonkey’s technique though using a scale. Is there a link to his technique by chance?

[ChessieCat]

You do not need to make a new solution every day.  That is being obsessive.  The solution can be refrigerated for about 4 days.

 

 

Please update your drug signature.  You will need to condense it a bit.  I've done that below (please double check that I didn't omit or add anything).  I think you reinstated Lexapro, so add the date, dose; where indicated.

 

4/19: Quit vaping nicotine had anxiety for 5 weeks.

Lexapro:  5/19: 5 weeks, 10mg (adverse reaction); 6/19: 2 weeks, 5mg (withdrawals); 7/19: 2 weeks, 2.5mg (withdrawals); 7/12/19, last day of Lexapro (hell)

Celexa:  8/14/19, 0.5mg (adverse reaction); 8/15/19, skipped; 8/16/19, 0.25mg; 8/17/19, 0.25mg

Lexapro:  date, dose; date, dose

 

8/19 - current: taking .5mg of Ativan once every 3-5 days to help with Lexapro WD.

 

 

BrassMonkey did not make a solution with his weighed doses.

 

using-a-digital-scale-to-measure-doses

 

[lexapoison]

Couldn’t fall asleep until probably 3-4am.

 

8am: Woke up and can’t go back to sleep

9:30am: Anxiety starts 

11:30am: Finally get out of bed. Dark emotions hovering in my mind trying not to pay it attention. Maybe even get in a little window for a little bit after?

12pm: Took .125mg of Lexapro. Sat on couch on this website reading through different topics.

1pm: Still on couch. Feeling better just the dark thoughts/emotions hovering over me it is so strong.

130pm:  Breaking out into a sweat, slight stomachache, tight pressure in forehead. On couch still feeling better than I usually have.

330pm: Got up to cut hair and shower. High anxiety. Some dp.

430pm: High Anxiety and some dp. Sat down to play video games. 

730pm: still playing video games dp, dark thoughts and anxiety getting strong.

830pm: Burning tight forehead is back and in full force. Dark thoughts strong, dp pretty strong. Started crying bad the symptoms are so strong right now. I feel like the dose of lexapro I took was some how more than .125mg or the food I ate or something is causing this.

9pm: Went to go get food headache got better.

930pm: stomachache from the food I ate. I didn’t eat the greatest these past 2 days. Playing video games, dark cloud and dp.

1030pm: took Ativan. Really got to come up with a plan with this Ativan. Took it later in hopes it’ll help me sleep in later.

1130pm: Feel the same but tired. Stomach killing me from the food I ate. Sweating.

130am: time for bed. Feeling just out of it and tired. Stomachache and some anxiety and tight feeling around head not so much a headache.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lexapoison]

Took me probably about an hr to fall asleep.

 

930am: Woke up. Usually wake up at 8, maybe taking Ativan a lil later helped me asleep in a bit later. Strong morning anxiety. I always feel so comfy and tired but can’t go back to sleep cause of the anxiety.

1130am: Enough rolling around in bed w anxiety and trying to escape the day. Got out of bed. Here we go again.

12pm: Went to get food anxiety pretty high going to start eating healthier again. Took

.125mg of Lexapro. Sat on couch feeling a bit out of it and anxiety.

2pm: Playing video games. Anxiety and some anhedonia and dark thoughts. 

5pm: Ate. Same ole feelings but seem a tiny bit less intense.

6pm: sitting on couch starting to panic about symptoms trying techniques to calm myself down. A little crying and a burning headache.

7pm: Forced myself to go out to the market. Lots of fear, anxiety, brain fog. Some vision problems where things seem brighter or darker. Feeling a tiny bit better than I have been but still am extremely horrible. Movement side of my akathisia has been pretty much nonexistent since I started taking Ativan daily.

8pm: Sitting on couch. Same ole pretty severe symptoms: anxiety, blank mind, dark emotions, dp/dr, vision problems, anhedonia.

9pm: Bad episode that lasted maybe 20 mins then cleared up. I sometimes start grunting and moaning it gets so hard. I believe this is akathisia.

10pm: Went to play video games. Same symptoms going on in the back ground.

1030pm: took .5mg Ativan

1030pm-130am: video games. Feel pretty much the same as before the Ativan just a lil more tired. Laid down in bed for sleep. Symptoms, very blank mind, some of the dark emotions, dp/dr, no headache.

[ChessieCat]

Sleep problems - that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

This topic has some helpful tips.

[lexapoison]

Took me about an hr to fall asleep

 

11am: Been going in out out of light sleep the past couple of hrs. Anxiety hasn’t been that high this morning which has allowed me to go in and out of light sleep these past couple of hours. Finally woke up, now I’m on my phone.

12pm: Ate and took .125mg of Lexapro. Hung out on couch. Not feeling great.

1pm: Went to play video games. Typical symptoms: anxiety, dp/dr, dark emotions, anhedonia but doesn’t feel as strong but still bad. Sometimes getting tiny glimpses of my old self.

4pm: On couch same symptoms as above.

5pm: Even though I’m scared, forcing myself to take my mom to store and get some food to eat. Was doing a bit better but bad phone call with girlfriend sent me into a bad episode. Crying, yelling, panic, increase in all symptoms. Really bad.

6pm: Back to Playing video games symptoms are bad. 

930pm: Forced myself to go drive my girlfriend to her car after she got out of class cause she parks far. First time I’ve seen her in weeks. Didn’t go so well. She wants me to be well. She doesn’t understand. But at least I made it out the house and got to see her. She means the world to me. I want to get better for us.

10pm: Back home bad symptoms.

1030pm: took .5mg Ativan. Really don’t feel any different than maybe a bit more tired. Kept playing video games.

130am: time for bed. Symptoms high.

 

What’s better after RI so far after 5 days at 

.125mg of lexapro:

 

Dr a bit better

Dp a slight bit better

Headaches are better but not gone

Getting short glimpses of myself and feeling short glimpses of being happy 

Sometimes it’s a bit easier to recover from a bad episode

Fear a bit better

Not stumbling when I walk or slurring my speech as much

 

What’s the same or worse after RI:

Dark thoughts/emotions are pretty much constant throughout the day and drive me insane.

Anxiety comes and goes but sometimes it’s really strong. Feel it right in my chest. Most of the time it’s a burning feeling but sometimes it gets so bad it feels like a knife.

Blank mind/brain fog. It feels my brain is off like there’s a big, heavy black cloud in it that doesn’t let me think and the only thing I’m able to feel is anxiety and dark emotions/feelings. Especially true in stressful situations. 

Tinnitus 

 

(The daily .5mg of Ativan can be at play w any of the symptoms here though.)

 

I have moments when I’m feeling a bit better and I’m coping but when the bad comes it comes HARD. I’ve made progress leaving the house today twice and being able to see my girlfriend for a few minutes. I hope for more progress.

 

 

 

 

[lexapoison]

High anxiety last night when I got in bed. The fact that I have anxiety after taking Ativan makes me believe it’s not working.

 

9am: Woke up stayed going in and out of sleep until about 1030am.

1030am: Anxiety starting to get higher. Woke up and stayed in bed on my phone.

12pm: Got out of bed and took .125mg of Lexapro. Then sitting on the couch. Anxiety is high. The anxiety feels like chemicals burning my chest.

1pm: Still on couch. Pressure headaches around head. Usual symptoms: Dp/Dr, anxiety, some panic, fear, dark emotions.

3pm: Same symptoms still on couch but now have burning tight forehead. High anxiety.

745pm: Symptoms have been pretty rough on couch until now. High anxiety (maybe rebound anxiety from Ativan) and the dark thoughts/emotions that I believe are from akathisia. The dark emotions/thoughts make me want to scream and crawl out of my skin and give up on everything. I can’t even put it into words except it’s absolutely horrible. Some fear also. I have been getting many what I believe to be windows that last a few seconds between these horrible moments. 

8pm: Symptoms are high. Went to play video games. Really out of it.

10:45pm: Took .5mg of Ativan actually helped calm me down and bring symptoms down a bit.

2:30am: late night ready for bed. I was playing w my girlfriend and didn’t want to stop. I’m in a tough spot where if I’m not playing video games my symptoms get pretty bad. But when I do play video games I feel better it agitates my symptoms. I need to find some kind of balance where I can play video games without adding symptoms. It’s the staring at the computer screen for a long time that makes me worse. It causes my face to burn and recently my body to burn, I believe headaches and who knows what else. Need to find a way to play video games but not suffer these symptoms because of the computer screen.

 

Also any input on how my RI is going based on my notes? It’s a really low dose and it’s only been a week but do I need to updose?

Also what’s the best course of action with the Ativan? Stay on it until I get some stability? Maybe take twice a day if I may be getting rebound anxiety/interdose withdrawals? Thank you guys. I’ve been in really rough shape.

[Rhiannon]

Doing anything on screens, like phones or video games, or TV, will make it harder to fall asleep. This is due to the light shining directly into your eyes, and the fact that screens put off a lot of blue light which tells your brain it's daytime. If you can't stay off screens for at least 2 hours before you go to bed, I would suggest getting some blue-blocking glasses and use those.  I just use orange goggles.

 

But any kind of light shining directly into your eyes, even if you block the blue, is going to be stimulating and make it harder for your brain to shut down and go to sleep, especially as sensitized as you are. Perhaps you could turn off the games by about 11 pm or midnight and just go to reading a regular book or listening to music or a podcast.

 

My brain finds screens to be stimulating regardless of what I am looking at on them. I keep the brightness down and use blue light filters on the screens, which helps. 

 

I know you have been told this but I will mention it again, reinstatement does not fix things overnight. You will have a much better idea in about 3 weeks. I know it is very hard to wait.

 

It is good you're taking the Ativan daily not intermittently, if you're going to take it. It sounds like you're on the benzo board so you are probably getting good advice there.

 

It seems you have trouble absorbing advice and support. Please reread your thread whenever you need to. Hang in there. You will survive and you will get better eventually. (About the only way you are not going to get better eventually would be if you end up taking additional meds. Many of us started like you and ended up on large nasty drug cocktails because we were told, and believed, that more and newer meds would fix us. I would recommend not going down that path.)

[lexapoison]

Fell asleep fairly quickly.

9am: Woke up high cortisol anxiety. Tossed and turned until noon.

12pm: Took .125mg of Lexapro and ate a yogurt. Back to lay in bed w the lights off. My friends/symptoms went w me to take the Lexapro and back to bed. Anxiety/DP/DR/Fear/Dark emotions/Blank mind.

1pm: Laying in bed symptoms strong, crying can’t take it anymore.

2pm: On couch same symptoms raging strong. Ate some food. Feeling a bit better after eating. 

3pm: Took shower. Strong dp and dark emotions. Symptoms always get stronger when I get off the couch to do something.

4pm: Back On couch. Same symptoms trying to stay distracted on phone and keep calm.

7pm: Went to get some food. Some fear, not as bad as it used to be. Strong dp, dark emotions and a mind I feel that’s going 100 miles per hour yet nothing is on my mind. It’s a very weird feeling probably anxiety?

8pm: Symptoms high. Anxiety and the blank yet racing mind that makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

9pm: Play some video games with girlfriend. Brightness turned all the way down can barely see the screen and new blue light blocking glasses.

1045pm: Took .5mg Ativan.

1115pm: Relaxing a bit and trying to wind down. Ate a snack. Laid down on couch trying to talk to girlfriend on phone. With all my symptoms going it’s hard to talk or hold a conversation but it seems the Ativan helps clear my mind to talk a bit.

12:45am: in bed passed out for a couple of hours forgot to post this woke up because light was still on.

 

[ShiningLight]

21 hours ago, lexapoison said:

9pm: Play some video games with girlfriend. Brightness turned all the way down can barely see the screen and new blue light blocking glasses.

1045pm: Took .5mg Ativan.

1115pm: Relaxing a bit and trying to wind down. Ate a snack. Laid down on couch trying to talk to girlfriend on phone.

 

 

👍🏻

[lexapoison]

10am: Woke up, feeling a lot of dread and fear, not a lot of anxiety. Tossed around in bed until noon.

12pm: Got up took .125mg of Lexapro. Feeling a lot of dread and out of it back to bed.

1pm: Got out of bed to play video games with my girlfriend for a bit. Feeling really out of it. 

3pm: Stopped playing video games feeling out of it. Mind is blank but racing and lots of fear.

330pm: Went to get food with mom and aunt. Same blank but racing mind and fear. Vision problems (during the day everything seems bright and white and at night everything seems really dark). 

4pm: Cried on way home same symptoms blank but racing mind and fear.

5pm-9pm: On couch. Crying most of the time. Symptoms are overwhelming. It feels like my mind is racing but is completely blank and the fear is pretty strong about basic things. It’s completely overwhelming I don’t know how to control it, I’m trying but I’m failing, it’s so strong.

930pm: Ate a tiny bit of rice, some salad and a thing piece of steak. Same symptoms. Completely overwhelmed I cried so much today.

10pm: Crying again. Overwhelmed.

1030pm: took .5mg of Ativan. Video games with girlfriend. Feel better when I’m distracted playing w her.

12am: Getting ready for bed.

1245am: Symptoms strong feeling tired. Ready for bed. A lot of crying today.

 

[lexapoison]

Couldn’t fall asleep until about 530am.

10am: Woke up. Horrible dread. Tossed and turned until noon.

12pm: Took .125mg of lexapro. Ate a yogurt. Sat on couch. Completely out out of it. Fear, dp, vision problems, anxiety, dark emotions, si.

1pm: Playing video games with girlfriend. Completely out of it. Same symptoms as above. Si.

3pm: On couch. Ate. Same symptoms. Just completely out of it. Si.

4pm: Still on couch. Same symptoms, some crying. 

5pm: More crying. Fear, dp, out of it, dark emotions, lost. Headache has been almost nonexistent past few days. Just a little something here and there. Some tightness in forehead right now.

6pm: Don’t feel like a human at all. Bright side headache is much better these days.

7pm: Playing video games with girlfriend. Can’t think can only suffer. Ever since I’ve turned the brightness all the way down on my monitor and got the blue light blocking glasses my face/eye area doesn’t burn anymore after playing which is good. 

930pm: A lot of feelings hitting me right now.  Memories of all the different symptoms and ways I’ve suffered are hitting me. Trying to stop them. Trying really hard. Tinnitus has been bad.

10pm: Ate. Feeling tiny bit better after eating. Still completely overwhelmed on a different planet not feeling human.

11pm: Tinnitus is worse than usual. Took 

.5mg of Ativan. Need to get a scale tomorrow to hopefully start my taper. I have been taking a little less than .5mg everyday as I cut my 1mg pill in half and take the piece that’s usually slightly smaller.

1130pm: Getting in bed earlier today. Out of it. Tinnitus is much louder than usual. Do I continue with reinstatement and hold and give it more time? Do I updose? Do I quit? Is it too soon to tell? My dose is so small but I do feel it. I feel like I’m ever so slightly better in some places (dp and fear and headaches) but worse in others like the crying and si and tinnitus. My mom says I’m doing worse probably cause I’m crying so much. Completely lost at this point. I’m sorry for the negativity and can’t wait until I have some positives to post. Thank you guys. 

 

12am: Still in bed tinnitus loud and anxiety is high.

[lexapoison]

Please help. Tinnitus is horrible. Sleep is getting bad. Vivid dreams are starting to come back. I’ve looked back on my notes and I’ve cried everyday since I’ve started the Lexapro. I swear I’ve seen some slight improvements in things though. Does this mean my dose is too high possibly? Should I try to lower my dose to 0.1mg or lower today, or hold steady at 0.125mg of Lexapro? Or anything else you guys suggest based on my notes? Thank you guys.

 

Edited September 23, 2019 by ChessieCat
reduced font

[lexapoison]

I will be posting my daily notes later but I really wanted to get some input on my RI. Today is day 9 which I know is a short amount of time. I would love to hold here in hopes to stabilize but am worried as I’ve been experiencing new symptoms. Since reinstatement I’ve been crying a lot which I wasn’t doing since earlier on in wd, my dark thoughts/dark emotions/inner restless have been really high, my tinnitus hasn’t gotten worse, my sleep is worse and lots of SI. These are the main symptoms I’ve noticed that really picked up after RI. 

 

Things that have gotten better since RI is my headaches have been so much better. Dp is slightly better, brain fog is slightly better, memory is slightly better, anhedonia is slightly better.

 

Based on my negative symptoms is it best to cut down to say .1mg? Maybe cut down lower? Or hold in hopes to stabilize even with the new symptoms I’ve been getting?

 

Thank you guys!
 

[ShiningLight]

Sounds horrible. What you need to do with the drug will become clear with time, or with mod input. I hope you feel better soon. Try not to "fight" symptoms. Rather, Acknowledge, Accept, & Float instead.

[lexapoison]

It’s not letting me paste my notes so I’m going to try and type out a quick version:

 

Went to bed at 1130pm didn’t fall asleep until 6am.

10am: Wake up full of dread.

11:30am: Got out of bed not feeling too bad

12pm: Took .125mg of Lexapro and ate a yogurt. Random memories popping back in my head been a while since I’ve had this.

12:30pm: Went to get food. Feeling fear and overwhelmed. Vision is bright and white I want to cry.

1pm: Home eating. Fear, anxiety, overwhelmed want to cry. Tinnitus has been so loud. Headaches have been so much better. I feel like I’ve been sweating more.

2pm: Crying on couch. Anxiety, fear, panic, dark emotions.

2:30pm: Anxiety is through the roof. Sat down to play video games. Anxiety calmed down a bit

4:30pm: Cried in living room. I can’t believe I’m crying this much. Anxiety, fear, panic, dark emotions. A lot of SI I’ve even been talking about it with my mom because I don’t know what else to do. 
7pm: Crying, panic, dark thoughts, anxiety, inner restlessness, grunting and moaning because the suffering is too much, heat flashes. Everything is ugly. Tinnitus is loud. Headaches are much better . Brain fog has been a bit better. Getting random burning throughout my body different than before.

8pm: Same symptoms high. Don’t even know how to make it through the night. I don’t even know if I should try to taper the Ativan in this kind of condition. Trying to watch tv but the anxiety is just too high. I haven’t been able to watch anything on tv or my phone for months. Burning tight forehead out of nowhere. 
9pm: Start to play video games symptoms extremely high. Mom comes to tell me she’s going to bed I burst out in tears yet again and beg her not to (why?). I haven’t cried this much in my entire life. 
1030pm: Take less than .5mg of Ativan and stopped playing video games. Symptoms are through the roof. Anhedonia, anxiety, dark emotions, spaced out like I’m on a different planet. (Sorry to be graphic ahead) had to go to restroom number 2 and all that came out was a little bit of diarrhea and what looked like mucus I think. Very odd. 
1130pm: Feeling a bit calmer. In bed. What a day tinnitus just got super loud, hopefully it’ll tone down. Hopefully I’ll get some advice about my RI before I have to take my dose tomorrow. 
2am: Had to type this out took me like 20 mins because paste function isn’t working. I feel a lot better hours after I take my Ativan. I’m pretty calm right now. Goodnight and thanks.

[Shep]

6 hours ago, lexapoison said:

I will be posting my daily notes later but I really wanted to get some input on my RI. Today is day 9 which I know is a short amount of time. I would love to hold here in hopes to stabilize but am worried as I’ve been experiencing new symptoms. Since reinstatement I’ve been crying a lot which I wasn’t doing since earlier on in wd, my dark thoughts/dark emotions/inner restless have been really high, my tinnitus hasn’t gotten worse, my sleep is worse and lots of SI. These are the main symptoms I’ve noticed that really picked up after RI. 

 

Things that have gotten better since RI is my headaches have been so much better. Dp is slightly better, brain fog is slightly better, memory is slightly better, anhedonia is slightly better.

 

Based on my negative symptoms is it best to cut down to say .1mg? Maybe cut down lower? Or hold in hopes to stabilize even with the new symptoms I’ve been getting?

 

Thank you guys!
 

 

Lex, the below quote is what I posted a couple of days ago on your benzo thread. I really think you're getting interdose Ativan withdrawal. This is a sign that you're developing a dependency on the Ativan. If you look over your threads, you'll see where your journals indicated crying spells prior to the AD reinstatement, so I wouldn't place this particular symptom solely as an AD symptom, although the AD could be adding to it as your nervous system acclimates to the change. 

 

I wouldn't make any changes to the AD reinstatement right now because it's unlikely that will help with interdose benzo issues. 

 

Since you're already decreasing the benzo, please focus on that for now and do as much self care as you can. 

 

 

On 9/22/2019 at 7:31 AM, Shep said:

Are you still interested in tapering off now? If not, you may want to divide your Ativan out and take it three times a day to help with interdose withdrawal (going into withdrawal during the day). Some of your crying spells may be from interdose withdrawal, which is very common with benzos that have short half lives. 

[lexapoison]

39 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

Lex, the below quote is what I posted a couple of days ago on your benzo thread. I really think you're getting interdose Ativan withdrawal. This is a sign that you're developing a dependency on the Ativan. If you look over your threads, you'll see where your journals indicated crying spells prior to the AD reinstatement, so I wouldn't place this particular symptom solely as an AD symptom, although the AD could be adding to it as your nervous system acclimates to the change. 

 

I wouldn't make any changes to the AD reinstatement right now because it's unlikely that will help with interdose benzo issues. 

 

Since you're already decreasing the benzo, please focus on that for now and do as much self care as you can.

Thank you, Shep. The only thing that worries me is I had these crying spells when I reinstated celexa as well a little while back and it lasted until a little while after I quit the celexa. Also, the dark emotions/thoughts seem a lot stronger now as well since ri. Sleep and tinnitus are also getting worse. But like I stated I think a couple of things might have gotten a tiny tiny bit better, maybe? I was thinking I should drop to .1mg unless you really think I should hold at .125mg. I know you definitely know best and will follow your advice.

 

 I’m also worried about dropping the Ativan when I’m in such a bad state as the only semi-peace I get is at night when I do take it. Would it be okay to hold until I stabilize some or do you also think it’s the best course of action is to drop it now since I haven’t been on it long? I’m just scared how I can cope with getting worse when I’m already barely coping.

[Shep]

38 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

I’m also worried about dropping the Ativan when I’m in such a bad state as the only semi-peace I get is at night when I do take it. Would it be okay to hold until I stabilize some or do you also think it’s the best course of action is to drop it now since I haven’t been on it long? I’m just scared how I can cope with getting worse when I’m already barely coping.

 

Please re-read both your threads, Lex. If you need to stay on the Ativan, then let's work on spacing out your doses to mitigate interdose withdrawal (please post over in your benzo forum for this). 

 

If you wish to continue coming off it, then you'll have to work on non-drug coping skills and distraction (although you may want to limit the video games and work on bringing in distractions that won't keep you glued to a screen all day and night). 

[lexapoison]

Woke up in a state of panic last night, mind racing, freezing and shaking. Covered myself and went back to sleep. First time this has ever happened.

[lexapoison]

Daily notes posted on benzo thread Here

[lexapoison]

Have to post as link, only way it’ll let me paste on here.  (CC removed link - didn't go anywhere)

930am: Wake up bad anxiety and dread. Stayed in bed.

12pm: Took .125mg of Lexapro. Back to bed on my phone. Anxiety. Random memories popping in my head are back. 3pm: Went to couch somethings feel better somethings don’t. Crying. Overwhelmed over what I’ve been through. I feel better but worse at the same time, I don’t know. My mom is asking me how I’m doing and I start crying, yelling “I don’t know”.

3:30pm: Go to get food. Ate.

4pm: On couch. Anxiety very high. Burning body constant. Hot/sweats. Sensitive to lights and extremely sensitive to sounds. Burning tight forehead. Feeling more present instead of being on a different planet. Body twitches. Fatigue. Some fear and dark emotions/thoughts.  5pm: Stumbling when walking. Trouble holding my body up, falling over even when I’m sitting down. Speech slurring a lot. Trouble keeping eyes open. Body burning. Hot/sweats.

6pm: I think I’m starting to feel emotions? On phone with girlfriend on verge of panic attack. Hot/sweats.

630pm: Still on verge of panic attack. This is intense.

7pm: In living room. Crying. Panic. Dark thoughts and emotions. Hot/sweats. Anxiety.

8pm: Video games. Feeling a bit better 9pm: Still playing video games. Feeling a bit more better and calmer.

10pm: Random moments of being on the verge of having panic attacks again. This is insane, I’ve never had anxiety or panic attacks to this extent that I’ve been having lately. Stopped playing video games trying to relax.

1030pm: Took .5mg of Ativan.
1130pm: Anxiety some what better but panic is better. Calmer. Still have burning body, hot/sweats, tinnitus loud. Feeling really really tired. Dark emotions/thoughts still strong.

1230am: Calmer. Very tired. Always get hungry after taking Ativan and snack on some nuts.

2am: stayed up to pay attention to my symptoms. Honestly not a whole lot different except I’m calmer, a little less panicky and more tired. Everything else seems pretty much the same.  I cried a lot again today and panicked a lot today. Somethings seem slightly better but other things are much worse. My mom whom is an outside perspective is saying I’m doing much worse. It seems like the DR and fear are slightly better, the brain fog is also slightly better and I feel like I’m getting some slight emotions here and there. Dark thoughts/emotions = intense, crying and SI are super strong, sensitivity to sounds is strong and body twitches. DP about the same. Anhedonia maybe a tiny bit better. Headaches have been much better but lately it’s been feeling like the front of my forehead was hit with a sledge hammer a few months ago and just feels really sore, not really a headache.
 

Constant burning in my body, louder tinnitus, hot/sweating, body twitches, couple of brain zaps, intense crying, worsening of dark thoughts/emotions and strong SI all started just a few days ago actually round the same time fear, DR, brain fog, and headaches got better that’s why I think it’s all got to do with my reinstatement. I believe the intense anxiety and panic is from the Ativan though because that’s what gets better when I take the Ativan. But who knows I can be completely wrong, these are just observations I’ve made.

 

Edited September 26, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed link

[lexapoison]

Guys, I am feeling completely different today than I ever have before. It’s very hard to describe but I’ll try my best. My body feels hot all the time, I also get bursts of heat, musky like sweaty (like I have a cold or flu), nerve burning sensations throughout my body, no energy - my body just wants to collapse.These all started around the time I ri Lexapro at .125mg. I’ve never had any of this.
 

What’s really different about today is my mind feels like I’m going to lose control any second, yet it also feels clear and I feel happier than I have in months and want to do a lot of things. It’s like half of me can’t calm down and feel like I’m literally going to lose control and the other half feels happy, want to do things and feel some what like my old self. Anyone know what’s going on? I definitely don’t feel well. Today I lowered my Lexapro from .125mg to .1mg because a lot of these physical symptoms started around the time of my ri.

[ShiningLight]

Hoping that you're maybe getting a partial window? I don't know. 

 

The situation overall sounds horrendous and so confusing. Know that you're going to find your way out of it and get better.

[lexapoison]

Today was unlike any day I’ve ever had in my entire existence.

 

10am: Wake up bad anxiety and dread. 
1230pm: Take a lowered dose of .1mg of lexapro hoping to get some bad symptoms that appeared out of no where down (The increase in dark thoughts/emotions, crying, burning body, feeling hot and sweaty and hopefully the SI) Back to bed on phone.

1pm: Start feeling the sweats.

3pm: been in bed this whole time scared to get up and face the day, some panic and anxiety. Got up and went to living room. This is where i felt so different. The dark thoughts/emotions were low, I felt like I maybe felt emotions, mind felt a bit clearer but I had really high panic and anxiety and some crying. SI was also pretty high. Felt hot and would get bursts of heat through my body and felt sweaty. This is all new to me, I almost feel like I’m sick. 
8pm: Stayed on couch the whole time in this very weird state where I was on the verge of losing my mind but also feeling good.  Got up to play video games.

9pm: Playing video games in my usual horrible state but a little less intense. Lots of panic, anxiety and SI though.

1030pm: Took .5mg of Ativan and went to relax. Noticed an increase in my dark thoughts and emotions around this time (before I took the Ativan)
1130pm: Panic settled down some but I feel pretty much the same I think. 
230am: Been relaxing on my phone in and out of sleep. Feel pretty much the same just less panic. Ready for sleep.
 

 

[Shep]

Lex, I posted in your benzo forum that you may be having an adverse reaction to the AD reinstatement. And from what I'm reading here in your AD thread, it sounds more and more like that, especially with your history of adverse reactions to these drugs. 

 

It's possible that the adverse reaction is going to be worse than any benefit to helping manage withdrawal symptoms. 

 

Of course, this is complicated by the Ativan changes, but it sounds like you're able to separate out what is coming from the AD and what is coming from the benzo. 

[lexapoison]

@Shep, I’m scared and I’m not kidding yesterday was a different day than I’ve ever had. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m really scared but trying to stay calm. The inner restlessness, anxiety, super loud tinnitus, panic, followed me the whole night even through the Ativan and I couldn’t sleep and it’s still w me now. The SI is so strong too. The tinnitus is SO loud, I can’t believe it. I couldn’t fall asleep until about 8-830am and only for a little bit. I don’t know what’s going on with me I’m so scared.

[Giulietta]

Hello Lexapoison,

 

Sorry you seem to be having a very bad day. Just thought I'd pop in and commiserate.

 

1 hour ago, lexapoison said:

I’m really scared but trying to stay calm. The inner restlessness, anxiety, super loud tinnitus, panic, followed me the whole night even through the Ativan and I couldn’t sleep and it’s still w me now.

 

After (accidentally) quitting duloxetine essentially CT - I suffered in this same way. The tinnitis was SO loud like you described. It would start abruptly at the same time every day - loud chirping, crickets - and be with me for hours. After a break respite - it would be back. It was a daily event and is now much less of a problem as I am further out from quitting.

 

The restlessness, jitteriness, panic, - even though I tried to stay calm - were miserable then. I continue to be visited by them on some days (less frequently thank goodness). I also learned AAF - acknowledge, accept float - there is more elsewhere on SA. Essentially you can't fight the anxiety. The more you do - the more intense it may become. Best things is to say, ok, unwanted guest, hang around - but I'm going to ignore you until you leave. I found physical movement and focusing on an activity  trying not to think about anything - helped. It also helps me to be around other people. I don't feel so alone.

 

I have days when I think that the WD symptoms are over - I'll be so happy about it - and then boom - out of nowhere - I'll have anxiety and panic - feel absolutely terrible (just two days ago in fact). Yesterday and today (thus far) I didn't have this.

 

Hang in there.

 

Giuilietta

 

[lexapoison]

Didn’t fall asleep

13 hours ago, Guilietta said:

Hello Lexapoison,

 

Sorry you seem to be having a very bad day. Just thought I'd pop in and commiserate.

 

 

After (accidentally) quitting duloxetine essentially CT - I suffered in this same way. The tinnitis was SO loud like you described. It would start abruptly at the same time every day - loud chirping, crickets - and be with me for hours. After a break respite - it would be back. It was a daily event and is now much less of a problem as I am further out from quitting.

 

The restlessness, jitteriness, panic, - even though I tried to stay calm - were miserable then. I continue to be visited by them on some days (less frequently thank goodness). I also learned AAF - acknowledge, accept float - there is more elsewhere on SA. Essentially you can't fight the anxiety. The more you do - the more intense it may become. Best things is to say, ok, unwanted guest, hang around - but I'm going to ignore you until you leave. I found physical movement and focusing on an activity  trying not to think about anything - helped. It also helps me to be around other people. I don't feel so alone.

 

I have days when I think that the WD symptoms are over - I'll be so happy about it - and then boom - out of nowhere - I'll have anxiety and panic - feel absolutely terrible (just two days ago in fact). Yesterday and today (thus far) I didn't have this.

 

Hang in there.

 

Giuilietta

 

thanks for stopping by it gets lonely in here haha! Usually just me and @Shep! All guests are always welcome and appreciated! 
 

i am so happy your ”guests” are less frequent! That is truly amazing and you’re really fortunate! Hopefully they’ll be gone for good soon! I can’t wait to get some breaks here and there sometime! Yes, I need to master acknowledging, accepting and floating. That’s going to be a big one for me! I wish you nothing but happiness and a speedy recovery my heart is with you! 

[lexapoison]

Couldn’t fall asleep until about 830am. Tinnitus to loud and just a inner restlessness.

 

1030am: Horrible anxiety, dread and panic. Stayed in bed.

1pm: Got out of bed took .1mg of Lexapro almost didn’t. Crying and panic. 

3pm: Video games. Feeling better. The usual feelings but less a bit.

5pm: Go to couch feel like I’ve lost my mind. Lots of crying.

6pm: Go to get food. Feeling better but again feeling like I’ve lost my mind. Get home and eat.

7pm: On couch crying feeling like I’ve lost my mind.

8pm: Starting to feel worse so I go play Video games. Bouncing between feeling better and that I’ve lost my mind. Panic.

1030: Go relax. More crying, feeling like I’ve lost my mind, an increase in anxiety and panic.Took .5mg of Ativan.

1130am: slightly calmer really tired.

1am: still getting anxiety and slight panic. Really tired.

 

Observations of the day:

Since RI (or just by coincidence) many things have slightly improved. Fear, dp/dr, vision problems, anhedonia, headaches, brain fog and overall clearer mind. These are all great things but I wish this was the whole list and it was only good..

 

Since RI (or just by coincidence) many things have gotten worse. I am constantly hot/slightly sweaty, some burning throughout my body, an increase in the loudness of my tinnitus, random memories, pretty much nonstop crying if I’m not keeping busy, SI through the roof, increase in anxiety and panic, constant dark thoughts/emotions, not sleeping as good and literally feel like I’m going crazy like I’ve never felt before. 
 

With the dose drop from .125mg to .1mg for the past 2 days i did notice a drop in the burning of my body and with my sensitivities to lights and sounds and some less anxiety. But the intense crying, feeling of going legitimately insane and the SI did not let up and I’m highly considering not taking the Lexapro tomorrow.. It’s such a shame because I do legitimately feel better in some ways. Is it a bad idea to CT off .1mg/.125mg of Lexapro? Also, is it any way normal to have some of these symptoms, such as crying and the other things I’m experiencing, for a RI and that it could clear up since I’m seeing some benefits or does it just sound like an adverse reaction?

Also I don’t think I’m seeing any benefit that I can see from the Ativan, I don’t think,  and would love to try to get off ASAP when you think the time is right before I dig myself into a deeper whole. This is a big source of my anxiety. The thought of taking Ativan daily when I don’t feel like it’s doing much is driving my anxiety through the roof. I wish I could just stop taking it for a couple of days to see how I do since I haven’t been on it that long but I know that’s not the way to go about it. Hopefully the fast taper option is still a thing and we can start that back up. I’d love to see if I can cope without the Ativan since I take it so late anyways and don’t see much benefit I don’t think.