lexapoison: 3 weeks off Lexapro / escitalopram

[Giulietta]

Hello Lexapoison

 

I see some positive things in your recent post, which is great.

 

Glad I popped by then. Swing my my post anytime. I like people to drop by and visit too! 

 

A few things jumped out at me -

 

1. Ativan

3 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Also I don’t think I’m seeing any benefit that I can see from the Ativan, I don’t think,  and would love to try to get off ASAP when you think the time is right before I dig myself into a deeper whole. This

 

Make no changes before consulting with the mods! Ativan, even though you have been taking it for a short while, still needs special consideration when tapering off. It is quickly habit forming. Also - as you know - one drug at a time is the rule of thumb. I want to respond as soon as I saw your message even though I am not an expert. I wouldn't want to see you exacerbate your WD symptoms.

 

Benzos can interfere with sleep. Getting off he duloxetine has reduced my insomnia and I am also following better 'sleep hygeine', which may help. I have been on clonazepam (a longer half-life benzo) for years (thanks idiot MDs) and even though it isn't good for sleep - it hasn't been the worst problem for me.  (it will be a whle before I can stabilize and approach that taper.)

 

2. Stuff that has become worse (for example tinnitus and crying, etc.). This comes and goes. I have had just about all of your symptoms from scanning the list. Tinnitis was loud and daily from mid-afternoon through the evening. Other times of the day it may be less noisy and different sound/pitch. The emotional roller coaster is also experienced by most all. Keeping busy is the way to go. Exercise if/when you have energy. 2 hours after exercising that may give your mood a boost and helps stimulate neurotransmitter receptivity (if I'm technically correct about the latter). A nice walk also helps if you walk on a treadmill or exercise vigorously.

 

 

4 hours ago, lexapoison said:

i am so happy your ”guests” are less frequent! That is truly amazing and you’re really fortunate! Hopefully they’ll be gone for good soon! I can’t wait to get some breaks here and there sometime! Yes, I need to master acknowledging, accepting and floating. That’s going to be a big one for me! I wish you nothing but happiness and a speedy recovery my heart is with you! 

 

thank you - so far the past few days have been good in spite of tingling, auras and tinnitus. Within the past month I had 10 days of dizziness and vision that I couldn't read a computer or paper. Could not think straight. But as you say - we get breaks here and there.

 

My road from mid-December 2018 through the end of July was really bad. I thought I had fallen off the trolley! The MD said in December that I would sometimes feel like 'I was losing my mind' and have 'odd physical sensations.' So I didn't think much of the suffereing.

 

AAF is an acquired skill. I need it on a post-it and stick in in the car, bathroom mirror, refrigerator, etc. , etc.  LOL.

 

Feel better and swing by any time.  Sending warm wishes your way. You will get better. What kept me pushing forth was the expectation from the MD about these symptoms (although not in detail) and the knowledge that I was getting off duloxetine. Imagine, if getting off lexipro, duloxdetine and nothers is so miserable - how could can they be for us?

 

 

 

Giuilietta

 

 

[lexapoison]

I feel better than I have in a long time but I cannot stop crying since the moment I woke up today. Literally have been crying for 4 hours. What is going on with me?

[ShiningLight]

Withdrawal. Hard to understand the whys. Glad you're improving! Drink lots of water to avoid dehydration from all the crying.

 

Edited to add: and also some mix of adverse reaction, which the mods have said.

[lexapoison]

I’ve been crying for almost 6 hours straight but in some ways I feel much better. Does anyone think the crying will let up or should I give up on the RI as this is not a good sign?

[lexapoison]

11am-11pm: Cried and spoke about SI the entire day. This is not an exaggeration. Paced so much that my entire body is completely sore. All of my symptoms seem lower except for the nonstop crying, incredible si, panic and complete restlessness. 

11pm: took .5mg of Ativan. Felt calmer. 

2am: Girlfriend broke up with me because we haven’t hung out in over a month. She had no idea what’s going on with me. She was my everything. Literally my everything. 
Ready to call it quits just got to figure out how.

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by Altostrata
approved

[Len189]

Sorry to hear about your continuing struggles. Restlessness/akathisia is one my main symptoms as well and it is simply the worst. So sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Other people/loved ones have no idea what we're going through and it can put a strain on many relationships. Sometimes it doesn't work out, we have accept that. Not trying to downplay your heartbreak at all, though, it can be very distressing, even for people not going through withdrawal, but more so for us.

But man, you are still so young and have many nice years ahead of you. People recover from this experience, it just takes a long time and can be extremely uncomfortable along the way. Hang in there and remember the people you still have in your life, your mom, friends and family for example. Try to focus on the small windows and the small things you can hopefully still enjoy during the day, like talking to a friend/family, a meal (remember how good you said Wendy's tasted), a gentle walk, video games (playing something fun at the moment or looking forward to any games?)/movies/podcasts etc. More windows are coming your way. Treat yourself with extra care these days and weeks while you proces the breakup, it is only natural that it puts extra stress on your nervous system.

 

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by Altostrata
approved

[Shep]

 

 

@Len189 Thank you for posting the suicidal resources link for Lexa. 

 

@lexapoison Please do reach out and contact someone on the ground if you're feeling like you're going to act on the SI thoughts. I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, but like Len wisely points out, you have a family that cares about you. 

 

Right now, you've got all you need - family, a home with a warm bed, and food to eat. You'll get through this and then go onto re-build your life. Unfortunately, many of us end up with lots of collateral damage and end up having to rebuild our jobs, relationships, and some people even lose their homes and their children. 

 

This is a powerful thing to have to go through and it wipes through our lives like a hurricane. But we do survive. 

 

You may want to read and post over in the Relationships section, as what you're dealing with is very common with people here. 

 

[Len189]

It may feel like you don't, but you do. Please elaborate on how you are feeling right now. I know you are in a really, really dark place, but please elaborate so we can help or maybe just chat for a while.

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by Altostrata
approved

[ChessieCat]

Several years ago I was often feeling suicidal and I read a book which really helped me.

 

The main thing that I got from the book was this:

 

It's just a feeling and feelings change.

 

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

 

 

[ChessieCat]

Instead of making a suicide plan I suggest that you make a Safety Plan. 

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SafetyPlan.pdf

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/CopingSuicidalThoughts.pdf

 

 

[Len189]

Good idea by ChessieCat. Also, please take the time to write some more here on the board about your thoughts and feelings at the moment. I can guarantee you that many people have been in that pit of despair you feel you are in right now, and lived to tell the tale. The night is darkest before dawn.

 

 

[ShiningLight]

Lex.

 

This is a TEMPORARY SITUATION. It's taking awhile but it's temporary. It seems like it's permanent because we can't say exactly how long it will take, but your window will come. It could even come tomorrow--as quick as this crap descends upon us, it can also go.

 

For the time being if you can, do your best not to think about her. There will be time to grieve that later. It's too much right now on top of everything else.

 

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed triggering comment

[ShiningLight]

One other question, Lex. Have you had anything to eat today? It seem simple, but low blood sugar can make everything worse. Maybe you could get Wendy's via takeout taxi/doordash, etc. Also if you are dehydrated. Can you go and get a glass of water right now?

 

Sending you so much love. 💜

 

[lexapoison]

I need all the help I can get right now guys I’m in a really dark place.

[lexapoison]

I didn’t take my .1mg of Lexapro today at 1:30pm which is 7.5hrs ago should I take it now?

[lexapoison]

22 hours ago, Len189 said:

Sorry to hear about your continuing struggles. Restlessness/akathisia is one my main symptoms as well and it is simply the worst. So sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Other people/loved ones have no idea what we're going through and it can put a strain on many relationships. Sometimes it doesn't work out, we have accept that. Not trying to downplay your heartbreak at all, though, it can be very distressing, even for people not going through withdrawal, but more so for us.

But man, you are still so young and have many nice years ahead of you. People recover from this experience, it just takes a long time and can be extremely uncomfortable along the way. Hang in there and remember the people you still have in your life, your mom, friends and family for example. Try to focus on the small windows and the small things you can hopefully still enjoy during the day, like talking to a friend/family, a meal (remember how good you said Wendy's tasted), a gentle walk, video games (playing something fun at the moment or looking forward to any games?)/movies/podcasts etc. More windows are coming your way. Treat yourself with extra care these days and weeks while you proces the breakup, it is only natural that it puts extra stress on your nervous system.

 

Thank you for your post. I’m in a very dark place. I am trying to be strong. I was not coping before the breakup don’t know how I’m supposed to cope now after breakup. It’s people like you make the world a great place. You truly are amazing. You’ve read my posts and mentions Wendy’s. I don’t enjoy anything at the moment. Nothing. I play WoW and hearthstone but it’s just to past the time. I used to watch movies, streams and podcasts but I can’t now. I just need to get a little bit better please keep in touch with me if you can.

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by Altostrata
approved

[lexapoison]

13 hours ago, Shep said:

 

@Len189 Thank you for posting the suicidal resources link for Lexa. 

 

@lexapoison Please do reach out and contact someone on the ground if you're feeling like you're going to act on the SI thoughts. I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, but like Len wisely points out, you have a family that cares about you. 

 

Right now, you've got all you need - family, a home with a warm bed, and food to eat. You'll get through this and then go onto re-build your life. Unfortunately, many of us end up with lots of collateral damage and end up having to rebuild our jobs, relationships, and some people even lose their homes and their children. 

 

This is a powerful thing to have to go through and it wipes through our lives like a hurricane. But we do survive. 

 

You may want to read and post over in the Relationships section, as what you're dealing with is very common with people here. 

 

Shep I had some friends come over and they stayed with me for hours. I’m hoping I’m better tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m going to cope but I’m going to give it all I’ve got. That is so true what you said about a home, warm bed and food to eat. Thank you for that.

[lexapoison]

7 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Several years ago I was often feeling suicidal and I read a book which really helped me.

 

The main thing that I got from the book was this:

 

It's just a feeling and feelings change.

 

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

 

 

Thank you ChessieCat please keep me in your prayers I’m trying to be strong everyday!

[lexapoison]

7 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Instead of making a suicide plan I suggest that you make a Safety Plan. 

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SafetyPlan.pdf

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/CopingSuicidalThoughts.pdf

 

 

A safety plan. That sounds amazing I should work on this.

[lexapoison]

7 hours ago, Len189 said:

Good idea by ChessieCat. Also, please take the time to write some more here on the board about your thoughts and feelings at the moment. I can guarantee you that many people have been in that pit of despair you feel you are in right now, and lived to tell the tale. The night is darkest before dawn.

 

 

My thoughts and feelings:

 

I’m very scared. I reinstated, somethings got better and somethings got worse. I’m taking Ativan every night, that scares me. My symptoms are absolutely horrifying and completely overwhelming and I don’t know how to cope. Everyday from the moment I open my eyes is a complete hell. I just want a bit of relief. What happened with my girlfriend is a complete knife in my heart and makes me panic and cry. We had the greatest relationship, never fought, never argued. We were best friends and lovers and laughed at everything. I don’t know what to do. Thank you, Len.

[lexapoison]

7 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Lex.

 

This is a TEMPORARY SITUATION. It's taking awhile but it's temporary. It seems like it's permanent because we can't say exactly how long it will take, but your window will come. It could even come tomorrow--as quick as this crap descends upon us, it can also go.

 

For the time being if you can, do your best not to think about her. There will be time to grieve that later. It's too much right now on top of everything else.

 

 

Thank you shininglight. It seems so permanent I can’t see the end. I try not to I’m usually consumed by my symptoms but when I think of her it strikes like a knife in my heart.

[lexapoison]

6 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

One other question, Lex. Have you had anything to eat today? It seem simple, but low blood sugar can make everything worse. Maybe you could get Wendy's via takeout taxi/doordash, etc. Also if you are dehydrated. Can you go and get a glass of water right now?

 

Sending you so much love. 💜

 

Wendy’s  you guys read my posts. Yeah I didn’t really eat well or sleep well or hydrate well these past 2 days. I got some Panera and ate half of that. I don’t think crying can dehydrate you but after today I think it’s a thing. My body feels so dry., I’ve cried so much these past days. Thank you as always shining please always stay in touch with me if you can.

[lexapoison]

@ShepI didn’t take notes today. But pretty much:

9am: Woke up after maybe an hr or 2 of sleep. I was having a lot of SI talk and going pretty crazy.
12pm: Went to go see my girlfriend, really out of it but I left the house to see her where she told me it’s completely over. I didn’t take it well, turned into her trying to leave and crying and me begging her to give me a chance. Finally accepted it and let her go.
2pm: Mutual friend came over and stayed with me. A lot of crying and SI talk and feeling out of it. He almost called the police on me because he was getting worried. This lasted until about 8pm. I came come where I was crying and going crazy.

9pm: My neighbors get home whom are mutual friends as well and come and keep me company. Same lots of crying and panic, less SI talk as I don’t want the police called on me.

11pm: Ate half a sandwich.

1130pm: Took .5mg of Ativan. Started walking around those speaking random words which I felt like I couldn’t control. Just rambling random sentences that meant nothing. This eventually turned into rambling words that sounded like a different language, pretty much just making up words. I think it just happened from being overwhelmed and maybe missing my Lexapro dose. Is it bad I skipped a dose? If I feel worse tomorrow with old symptoms I might take my regular dose but if I feel a bettering of the new symptoms that came up I might stay off.

1230: Ativan calmed me down, much less SI. I’m so tired and sore from pacing and crying for 2+ days I need to get the some good sleep. The black bags around my eyes are something else.  Really loud tinnitus.
 

Thank you for all you do for me @Shep, I will find a way to repay you one day if I make it out of this.

 

[Altostrata]

23 hours ago, lexapoison said:

11am-11pm: Cried and spoke about SI the entire day. This is not an exaggeration. Paced so much that my entire body is completely sore. All of my symptoms seem lower except for the nonstop crying, incredible si, panic and complete restlessness. 

11pm: took .5mg of Ativan. Felt calmer. 

2am: Girlfriend broke up with me because we haven’t hung out in over a month. She had no idea what’s going on with me. She was my everything. Literally my everything. 
Ready to call it quits just got to figure out how.

 

 

lexapoison, you have control over your thoughts. Why did you choose to dwell on and talk about thinking of suicide all day long? What do you know about "changing the channel"?

 

You went off Celexa only a few weeks ago in a very rough way, you are experiencing withdrawal syndrome. We know it comes and goes and waves of awful symptoms can be quite intense. However, they do pass, and if you don't amplify the bad sensatons with added fears and worries, you will get through it. We have many people here who have.

 

6 hours ago, lexapoison said:

I didn’t take my .1mg of Lexapro today at 1:30pm which is 7.5hrs ago should I take it now?

 

Do you feel better or worse now?

 

2 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Wendy’s  you guys read my posts. Yeah I didn’t really eat well or sleep well or hydrate well these past 2 days. I got some Panera and ate half of that. I don’t think crying can dehydrate you but after today I think it’s a thing. My body feels so dry., I’ve cried so much these past days. Thank you as always shining please always stay in touch with me if you can.

 

Please turn your thoughts to making yourself feel better rather than making yourself feel worse. This may mean reminding yourself to eat, sleep, and drink water regularly. Also, get at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, every day. Don't overdo exercise. If being in the sun makes. you feel bad, stay in the shade.

 

2 hours ago, lexapoison said:

@ShepI didn’t take notes today. But pretty much:

9am: Woke up after maybe an hr or 2 of sleep. I was having a lot of SI talk and going pretty crazy.
12pm: Went to go see my girlfriend, really out of it but I left the house to see her where she told me it’s completely over. I didn’t take it well, turned into her trying to leave and crying and me begging her to give me a chance. Finally accepted it and let her go.
2pm: Mutual friend came over and stayed with me. A lot of crying and SI talk and feeling out of it. He almost called the police on me because he was getting worried. This lasted until about 8pm. I came come where I was crying and going crazy.

9pm: My neighbors get home whom are mutual friends as well and come and keep me company. Same lots of crying and panic, less SI talk as I don’t want the police called on me.

11pm: Ate half a sandwich.

1130pm: Took .5mg of Ativan. Started walking around those speaking random words which I felt like I couldn’t control. Just rambling random sentences that meant nothing. This eventually turned into rambling words that sounded like a different language, pretty much just making up words. I think it just happened from being overwhelmed and maybe missing my Lexapro dose. Is it bad I skipped a dose? If I feel worse tomorrow with old symptoms I might take my regular dose but if I feel a bettering of the new symptoms that came up I might stay off.

1230: Ativan calmed me down, much less SI. I’m so tired and sore from pacing and crying for 2+ days I need to get the some good sleep. The black bags around my eyes are something else.  Really loud tinnitus.
 

Thank you for all you do for me @Shep, I will find a way to repay you one day if I make it out of this.

 

 

Please consider whether you are writing a play in which you are sliding into chaos. The play is fiction. You can make it into a play where a person going through a rough patch is having a hard time but pulls through it without falling apart. Your choice.

[Giulietta]

12 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

It's just a feeling and feelings change.

 

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

However, they do pass, and if you don't amplify the bad sensatons with added fears and worries, you will get through it.

 

Work on 'just being'- meaning don't think about anything. Sit down or lay down. For example, you can lie down or sit down as you are most comfortable and focus on an image or sound that brings you joy.   When you catch any thoughts  creep in - just let them gok and bring yourself back to the image or sound you are focusing on.

 

One example people start with is breating.   Breathe breathe in through nostrils slowly - -envision the air coming up your nose, then gently exhale. On the inhale you focus on a sound - 'hum' - the natural sound of the breath - and on the exhale - focus on the expression/sound - 'sah.' Try to do this for 5 minutes, then 10, on so on up to 20. This is a helpful skill that takes time to learn.

 

 

 

 

 

[ShiningLight]

1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

 

 

Work on 'just being'- meaning don't think about anything. 

 

 

Exactly. If you have to think, narrate your actions. "I'm just a man walking in my house right now " "I'm a man eating lunch," but keep it factual and concrete.

 

Also, try to engage your senses. Helps bring yourself into the present moment. Smell, taste, touch, hearing, seeing. Take a bath or shower. Listen to soft music. Touch the bark of a tree. 

 

I don't think you have control in the immediate sense of what "pops" into your head, but you can decide how to respond to it, and that will influence whether it's a welcome houseguest that returns time after time to eat you out of house and home, or whether it decides to move on to the next house.

[ShiningLight]

6 hours ago, lexapoison said:

 less SI talk as I don’t want the police called on me.

 

 

You are capable of rational thought, which is good. 

 

Instead of "going crazy" say "expressing grief". You're not crazy. 

 

Just focus on the basics. Food. Water. Rest. Wrap yourself in a blanket. See how many objects in the environment you can count. Count the blue cars that drive by. These are all things to occupy your mind.

[Giulietta]

6 hours ago, lexapoison said:

if I make it out of this.

 

 Of course you will!

18 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

you can decide how to respond to it, and that will influence whether it's a welcome houseguest that returns time after time

 

Well said @ShiningLight.

@lexapoison  You are re-training negative thought patterns to respond in a positive way. Does the hosueguest learn it shoudl leave because you make the decision to ignore it in which case the unwanted guest leaves.  😁

 

Sending hugs your way!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Len189]

The other users have made such good suggestions. I hope some of them can help you cope these days. I know it's difficult to be strong, but when the going gets tough, we don't have a choice. We find the will to power through it somehow. I find that developing healthy eating habits helps me, as I feel I'm doing what I can to help the central nervous system along. I'm glad to hear you had friends over and that you have friendly neighbors, sounds like you have quite a lot of caring people in your life, even though it didn't work out with your girlfriend.

 

I used to play WoW way back in the day when it was released, but didn't get that far as my friends weren't playing it. I have played some Hearthstone as well and even though I don't play it anymore, I still enjoy watching streamers play it on YouTube occasionally. It can be quite relaxing and fun. Games are not good for me at the moment as my nervous system gets too agiatated by them. So I watch some games coverage on YouTube instead and get my "nerd fix" that way.

 

I can relate to not enjoying things (as much) at the moment. But some things works okay as distractions for me and as a way to make time pass, like tv series, movies, podcasts etc. I hope you get to a point soon, where you can enjoy these things again. Or at least let yourself get distracted by them. I think it doesn't take that long before you are through the acute phase and can stabilize a bit.

 

[lexapoison]

@Altostrata I woke bad again. But I’ve calmed down some. I feel my tight headache coming back. I haven’t had a headache since I started the Lexapro. Maybe I should keep taking the RI. I’m just scared if all the crying. 

[bubble]

Good that you stopped working yourself into a frenzy... Yes, things are not easy for you at the moment but the way you react to them is making everything so much work. And we do have power over how we react to things. Tara Brach calls that the second arrow: the first arrow causes pain but our reactions can be the second arrow which makes the initial pain so much worse.

 

Can you describe your crying spells in a bit more detail? Is there something that makes you sad, do you cry over something in particular, something triggers you or is there just some mass of sadness? Why does it make you so upset that you cry? As with any other symptom it helps a lot to acknowledge it as a symptom and let it play out without fighting it and being scared of it but doing the best you can to distract and calm yourself down: it's just a symptom, it will pass, it's temporary and it won't hurt me.

 

These are experiences of people who have been dealing with this fairly common symptom. 

 

[lexapoison]

10 minutes ago, bubble said:

Good that you stopped working yourself into a frenzy... Yes, things are not easy for you at the moment but the way you react to them is making everything so much work. And we do have power over how we react to things. Tara Brach calls that the second arrow: the first arrow causes pain but our reactions can be the second arrow which makes the initial pain so much worse.

 

Can you describe your crying spells in a bit more detail? Is there something that makes you sad, do you cry over something in particular, something triggers you or is there just some mass of sadness? Why does it make you so upset that you cry? As with any other symptom it helps a lot to acknowledge it as a symptom and let it play out without fighting it and being scared of it but doing the best you can to distract and calm yourself down: it's just a symptom, it will pass, it's temporary and it won't hurt me.

 

These are experiences of people who have been dealing with this fairly common symptom. 

 

 Bubbles, I had had these crying spells at the beginning of my wd but they went away. I even wrote down a list of all my symptoms and was happy to report that crying was gone. It started up recently which leads my to believe it’s either linked to my RI or the Ativan.

 

It’s just an uncontrollable crying. Sometimes it’s triggered by a thought of something that upsets me but most of the time I just start crying for no reason at all and can’t stop. Again this started back up recently out of no where.

[lexapoison]

Took .09mg of Lexapro today. Got rid of headache within a couple of hours but intense urge to cry is back.

[lexapoison]

RI seems to helped most of my symptoms. The only thing that it brought up is this intense crying now which leads to SI. Also an increase in pacing. Is this something that can past as my body adjusts to the RI anyone know of any stories similar to mine?

[ShiningLight]

4 hours ago, lexapoison said:

I woke bad again. But I’ve calmed down some. 

 

What helped you calm down? Do more of it!

[ShiningLight]

Just think, Lex! Every day you put between yourself and that breakup is the promise of a teenie, teenie bit less pain. Even if you don't feel it being less, overall, it's getting better every moment that goes by. Some thing with the drugs. Your job is to just accrue the moments and days, and soon you will have the perspective of time on your side. Time is your friend. I know you can do it. I have every faith in you.