lexapoison: 3 weeks off Lexapro / escitalopram

[lexapoison]

I hung out with my neighbor and we walked his dogs. I didn’t want it to end.

[lexapoison]

6 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Just think, Lex! Every day you put between yourself and that breakup is the promise of a teenie, teenie bit less pain. Even if you don't feel it being less, overall, it's getting better every moment that goes by. Some thing with the drugs. Your job is to just accrue the moments and days, and soon you will have the perspective of time on your side. Time is your friend. I know you can do it. I have every faith in you.

well another day of hell down the books.

 

Fell asleep last night at like midnight I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep, crying for 3 days straight and the nonstop pacing. 
 

8am: Woke up thinking about things.

9am: Big anxiety, some panic and restlessness start.

1030am: Out of bed I’m a monster. The breakup is really taking a toll on me bad. I’m throwing things (pillows), speaking in a different made up language and telling my mom and aunt things about SI and primarily I’m ready to go to the hospital so that they can mess me up because I give up on all the suffering. I finally calm down some, some way.

12pm: go and walk dogs with neighbor and then we hang out for a bit after. I hadn’t hung out with anyone but my mom, and on weekends my aunt, let alone been out of the house, in a long time and I didn’t want it to end. There was some pretty hard moments where I’d start getting consumed my anxiety and dark thoughts but overall it went “well”.

2pm: Back home and back to some panic and talks about I can’t make it nor take it. Start feeling my old headache creeping back on so I quickly take .09mg of Lexapro. I want to pick a dose and stick to it I just want to find the right place. .125mg was burning my body, making me warm and sweaty and stimulating me so I lowered to .1mg and those symptoms got better but the intense crying, inner restlessness and SI was still a thing. Hopefully .09mg is the sweet spot, where my WD symptoms are better but the adverse effects will be gone or at least the intensity lowered. I’m hoping these changes aren’t a huge shock to my system since they are so tiny but I know it’s not good, also the fact that I missed a day yesterday I’m probably all out of whack. After I feel like I don’t want to sit down,. I’m over the scenery of my living room and my house. So we leave to the store and get some food. At the store I had a lot of pacing and inner restlessness and anxiety. But I’ve been much worse in this same store many times. Headache got better but urge to cry came back. Too much anxiety wanted to leave. Went to get food, was alone for a little bit and started getting bad thoughts and stronger anxiety.

4pm: back at home anxiety and panic high, call my neighbors and go hang out over there with them. Doing alright just strong moments of anxiety and panic.

6pm: We go out to get some food, again another big step for me. Doing okay but start getting strong urge to cry for no reason. 
8pm: back at home anxiety and pacing are quite high and dark thoughts about how bad my day was (when it wasn’t even that bad) and how bad tomorrow is going to be driving me crazy. I’m typically rotating between feeling okay for a bit, a quick thought about my exgf that sends me into a little panic attack, and then a wave of just strong symptoms where anxiety and panic are high, my mind feels black and everything seems bad and I feel like I can’t cope. Been rotating between those 3 states pretty consistently. During the okay moments i feel like I’m okay and it’s going to be fine, when I think of my exgf it’s a quick very intense panic, and when the symptoms are raging there’s no hope in sight and it’s just super intense.

10pm: Went to play videos games. Same Symptoms strong.

11pm: Took .5mg of Ativan. Symptoms still pretty strong. 

1230: Feel kind of the same just alil more tired or ready for bed feeling. Anxiety pretty high at moments.

 

Primary Symptons: Strong anxiety and some panic, inner restlessness where I’m pacing everywhere, ugly ugly thoughts and crying, which all makes things completely unbearable.

 

Everything else is somewhat better. Headaches, burning body, sensitivity to lights and sounds, vision problems, dr/dp, the fear of leaving the house, all sound like they are better.

 

 But when my guests stop by, it’s stronger than ever.

[Len189]

Sounds to me like you are having small windows and that there is incremental progress. That's great news. Not trying to celebrate prematurely or anything, as I know things are really, really tough. But we must recognize and try to take joy when we feel even a tiny, bit better. That's sign of more progress to come. Walking dogs with your neighbour seems like a really nice way to spend time and distract yourself from symptoms for a while!

[Shep]

10 hours ago, lexapoison said:

RI seems to helped most of my symptoms. The only thing that it brought up is this intense crying now which leads to SI. Also an increase in pacing. Is this something that can past as my body adjusts to the RI anyone know of any stories similar to mine?

 

11 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Took .09mg of Lexapro today. Got rid of headache within a couple of hours but intense urge to cry is back.

 

It sounds like you're benefiting from the reinstatement. The only reason the crying is leading to SI is because you are attaching thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. 

 

This is very hard not to do after a breakup, however, you were having these same symptoms prior to the breakup. Please re-read your threads (benzo and main forum) as we've provided links for "changing the channel" and "dealing with emotional spirals" along with breathing exercises. 

 

You could either stay with the .09 mg dose or even go down to .08 mg to see if the crying symptoms might lesson.  If having the headaches disappear is worth the crying symptom, you may want to hold. You'll have to weigh the pros and cons of these symptoms. 

 

Question - does the Ativan help with the crying or does it not have any effect on this symptom? 

[ShiningLight]

What Len said is spot on. 

 

Try to focus on gratitude for the small moments. That will help them increase. 

 

When you focus on how bad the horror is, it increases. Anything you focus on increases in intensity. 

 

So glad you got out and walked the dogs! 

[lexapoison]

54 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

 

It sounds like you're benefiting from the reinstatement. The only reason the crying is leading to SI is because you are attaching thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. 

 

This is very hard not to do after a breakup, however, you were having these same symptoms prior to the breakup. Please re-read your threads (benzo and main forum) as we've provided links for "changing the channel" and "dealing with emotional spirals" along with breathing exercises. 

 

You could either stay with the .09 mg dose or even go down to .08 mg to see if the crying symptoms might lesson.  If having the headaches disappear is worth the crying symptom, you may want to hold. You'll have to weigh the pros and cons of these symptoms. 

 

Question - does the Ativan help with the crying or does it not have any effect on this symptom? 

Woke up at 6am trembling and just really sad about the break up. I think I ate something bad yesterday that maybe didn’t sit well with my stomach that may have helped wake me up. I’ve benefited from many things from the ri I believe in the slightest of ways except for the increase in crying, si and the pacing that’s why I’m so reluctant to call it quits on the ri. 
 

I don’t cry at night after I take the Ativan, nor get the urge to cry but maybe cause I’m in bed? SI is usually still there though.

 

i just want and need to get to a place where the si goes away and the thoughts of going to the hospital go away because those are the 2 big things standing between me and my recovery.

[lexapoison]

2 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

What Len said is spot on. 

 

Try to focus on gratitude for the small moments. That will help them increase. 

 

When you focus on how bad the horror is, it increases. Anything you focus on increases in intensity. 

 

So glad you got out and walked the dogs! 

Yep this is what I’m trying to do. When I’m bad I try to tell myself it’ll pass in a bit at least for a bit. 

[Giulietta]

Hello Lexapoison,

 

I agree with Len189. It looks like you are having more times of feeling better - socializing and doing things you enjoy (like walking your dog )

 

5 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Everything else is somewhat better. Headaches, burning body, sensitivity to lights and sounds, vision problems, dr/dp, the fear of leaving the house, all sound like they are better.

 

This sounds like progress to me!

 

@ShiningLight is spot on. Keeping a gratitude list helps us see the positive. Discounting the positive is a 'cognitive disortion'. Writing down what we are grateful for - a person, yourself, something about the world in general - helps us keep this in perspective.

 

Maybe also a list of your accomplishments ? When you can, could you set a single attainable goal that you will feel great about accomlishing at the end of the day? You could keep this with your gratitude list (or part of?). Maybe it is calling a friend. Or visiting a neighbor - as you did even though you weren't feeling tip-top. Getting out of the house and being with others  can be hard for me and takes me discipline and willpower.

 

I hope you have a pleasant day and count your blessings as they say.  

 

 

 

[lexapoison]

Fell asleep around 1am.

 

6am: Woke up. Started thinking a lot. Nothing too bad.

8am: Not sure if it’s the sun coming out or Ativan wearing off, anxiety goes through the roof and a ton of memories hitting me. Some of the worse anxiety I’ve had. Literally was awake, tossing and turning and was dreaming the entire time. It was a really frightening experience.

12pm: Get out of bed in a panic. Have a lot of anxiety regarding what I’m going to do all day to keep my mind busy.
1pm: took .09mg of Lexapro. 

2pm: Go walk dogs with neighbor don’t feel as good as yesterday. Urge to cry, anxiety and ugly thoughts.
3pm: Back home ton of anxiety and SI, sitting on couch.

5pm: Leave to aunts house to have a change of pace which is about an hour away. Lots of panic and anxiety. Some fear trying to creep back in. 

6pm: Get to aunts lots of panic and anxiety.

7pm: Go out to eat again lots of anxiety. 
8pm: Get back to aunts house. Lots of panic and anxiety.

10pm: Start getting a window maybe where things aren’t so bad. 
1030pm: Go lay down in bed. Lots of panic and anxiety.

11pm: Take .5mg of Ativan.

12am: Lots of panic and anxiety.

1am: Feeling a bit calmer and tired.

 

Today was just horrible. Too much anxiety and panic. I had a lot of SI throughout the entire day. Also just horribly ugly thoughts when I think about how my day went and how I see tomorrow going. It’s been really bad. I keep questioning if my RI is worth it. I don’t know where all these new symptoms came from but am glad a lot of my old symptoms went down a bit. I wonder if the RI is the cause of the new symptoms and the diminishing of my older symptoms as the dose is so low I’m taking. I need to get the panic and SI under control immediately though, it’s overwhelming me the entire day. Going to order the book @ChessieCat recommended me. I’m so close to checking myself into a hospital it’s ridiculous. Why can’t I just feel a tiny bit better to the point where I just want to stay home and recover instead of being overwhelmed by these drug induced thoughts and feelings. 
 

it’s truly a crime what these companies have done to us. It’s illegal to torture terrorists in Guantanamo Bay yet they are torturing us no problem, no repercussions. There needs to be MORE testing done with these medications and doctors need to be trained better on the dangers of them and how to properly advise on the tapering off them. Some can come off fast but some cannot. Patients need to be WARNED of the extreme pain they can be put through after they put these pills in their mouth. These medications need to be a life or death, last resort type of prescription. Patients need to be tested on a tiny dose as well and gradually go up paying attention for adverse reactions. Some can come off fast and some can’t. I’m being tortured more than any human should and am forced to hide from doctors. There’s no where for me to go but sit here while these companies fatten their wallets. This is pure evil and a true crime. More testing and training need to be done to say the least. This is absolutely horrendous.

 

i remember going to my psych and telling him I’m suffering from wd from Lexapro. He pretty much wasn’t even listening to me at all and wrote my a prescription for cymbalta. When I asked him why an snri his answer was don’t worry about it’s all the same stuff and when I asked why was he so quick to jump to cymbalta he said everyone loves it. I bet he gets the biggest kickbacks from cymbalta and prescribes it to everyone. When I told him about how Lexapro had down-regulated different receptors and messed up my nervous system and what not he laughed and got mad and said all these drugs do is up serotonin and when we stop it goes right back and told me he had another patient going to walk in. 
 

My first real job was a minimum wage at Best Buy where I sold tablets. By the second day of work I had researched every tablet I had to sell and could answer any question on these tablets. There wasn’t one question I couldn’t answer. Also when clients had trouble I’d take my time to figure out what’s going on, take as much time as needed to get to the bottom of it and make things right. Now this is me selling tablets at minimum wage, but these doctors making who knows how much know nothing about these drugs and the impact they can have on people’s lives. It’s an actual travesty what’s going on. I can’t tell you how many doctors I’ve talked about me being in WD and they all look at me like I’m crazy and shake their head no the same way and say “it’s not WD sorry.”

 

Sorry for the rant but something needs to be done, when m recovered I’m gna warn as many people as I can about these drugs

 

 

[Shep]

 

On 10/1/2019 at 9:21 AM, lexapoison said:

I don’t cry at night after I take the Ativan, nor get the urge to cry but maybe cause I’m in bed? SI is usually still there though.

 

5 hours ago, lexapoison said:

8am: Not sure if it’s the sun coming out or Ativan wearing off, anxiety goes through the roof and a ton of memories hitting me. Some of the worse anxiety I’ve had.

 

Yes, this definitely sounds like Ativan interdose withdrawal at play here.

 

Are you comfortable staying at .09 mg Lexapro? If so, you may want to target the Ativan next and start moving some of your daily dose to earlier in the day. Please ONLY move your Ativan if you are finished adjusting the Lexapro.

 

To move the Ativan, here are a couple of options:

 

• move 25% of your daily dose to earlier in the day and keep 75% to take in the evening. Do this if you feel the evening dose is helping with sleep, even if all it does is tone down some of your symptoms. By only moving 25%, you keep the bulk of your dose for closer to bedtime. 

       OR:

• move 50% of your daily dose to earlier in the day if you don't feel the Ativan is helping at all with sleep.

Please only move the dose ONE HOUR per day. This gradual move is the gentlest on your nervous system. You may find you need to dose 3 times a day. As you gradually move the dose, by the time you get the dose down to around noon, please note your symptoms and at that point, you may want to keep part of that dose to take at noon and move the rest of the dose to take first thing in the morning. 

 

Please post your thoughts. Again, this needs to be done no faster than one hour a day, so you could move a portion of your Ativan to take at 11 PM and a portion to take at 10 PM tonight. 

 

And then tomorrow, take a portion at 11 PM and a portion at 9 PM, and the next day, at 11 PM and at 8 PM and so forth. 

 

5 hours ago, lexapoison said:

2pm: Go walk dogs with neighbor don’t feel as good as yesterday.

 

Even though this experience wasn't as good as yesterday, it's great you reached out to your neighbor and went out for a walk. 

 

This is a very good non-drug coping strategy. 

 

As your symptoms subside, you may want to check with your local animal shelter to see if you could volunteer part time. Most animal shelters need volunteers to do dog walking and to spend time with the cats. That kind of volunteer work can be very healing and rewarding if it's something you think you'd like to do. 

 

If you like being around people more than animals, you may want to check into other volunteer jobs that could be a distraction and get you around people for awhile each week. 

 

It sounds like the isolation of withdrawal is at play here, so these are just some ideas to keep you from spending so much time alone. 

[lexapoison]

Sorry about my rant last night. If I could delete it, I would. Thanks Shep. I’m still indecisive about the Lexapro. Hopefully I can decide by today what I want to do with it.

[ShiningLight]

18 hours ago, lexapoison said:

Go walk dogs with neighbor don’t feel as good as yesterday.

 

Today was just horrible.  

 

It's great that you did it again! Coping skills aren't transactional, ie you can't expect if you do this, you get that every time. I think you have some unrealistic expectations.

 

It's interesting because I thought your narrative was going to talk about some of the improvements. I saw them when I read your log for today.

 

I'm not discounting what you're going through, it certainly is awful. I would still encourage you to try to be grateful for the positives. You went to visit family an hour away! You went out to eat. Some people are too sick to do that. Was there a time when you were too sick to do those things? 

 

The world isn't going to track you down and force you to feel joy or contentment. It's up to you to create it. It's not always easy in withdrawal, but we can still find things to be grateful for, and I see some in your log.

 

The more you say you need to get your feelings under control, the more that control is likely to be elusive. Your feelings just want to be heard and accepted. Let them be. They will eventually change. 

[lexapoison]

@ShiningLight

Just a week ago I couldn’t step outside of my house due to fear, very grateful to be able to now. Unfortunately I am crippled by new symptoms. Constant SI, anxiety and panic are through the roof and am afraid they are due to either the RI or the Ativan. 

[Altostrata]

We've discussed at length the possibility of adverse reactions from Ativan. Please get this straightened out according to Shep's counseling.

 

If you are having adverse reactions from Ativan but not willing to change the way you take it, we're probably not going to be able to help you, your drug schedule is creating your symptoms.

[lexapoison]

11 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

We've discussed at length the possibility of adverse reactions from Ativan. Please get this straightened out according to Shep's counseling.

 

If you are having adverse reactions from Ativan but not willing to change the way you take it, we're probably not going to be able to help you, your drug schedule is creating your symptoms.

Adverse reaction to the Ativan? I don’t think this has even been brought up before unless I’m mistaken? Do you mean to the Lexapro?

[lexapoison]

Slept at aunts. Fell asleep around 1am

 

8am: Woke up anxiety not as bad as yesterday able to go back to sleep.

11am: Anxiety picks up. Wake up go to living room in panic.

1pm: Eat some food and take .09mg of Lexapro.

11am-5pm: On couch fluctuating from feeling okay to very high anxiety, outbursts of panic where I start yelling and crying and a lot of SI. Everything just seems bad in my thoughts.
6pm: Go out to get food. Leave the house in a complete panic. At restaurant I can’t sit still with very high anxiety and SI.

8pm: Back home on couch. Thoughts of how everything is horrible. Very high anxiety and some panic outbursts of yelling and crying. 
10pm: Take about 25% of .5mg of Ativan. Go to lay in bed.
11pm: Feeling a bit better. Take about 75% of .5mg of Ativan. 

12am: Feeling almost the same as when I only taken the 25% piece. A bit calmer, a little bit tired.

1am: Feeling a bit better. No crazy improvements just a bit calmer.

 

[Shep]

58 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

10pm: Take about 25% of .5mg of Ativan. Go to lay in bed.
11pm: Feeling a bit better. Take about 75% of .5mg of Ativan. 

12am: Feeling almost the same as when I only taken the 25% piece. A bit calmer, a little bit tired.

1am: Feeling a bit better. No crazy improvements just a bit calmer.

 

This is a good start to spacing out your Ativan, but I'm concerned you're taking "about" a certain percentage.

 

We talked about using a scale over on your benzo forum. Did you go ahead and order one? If not, please do so. It's important to have your drug measured out before you start tapering because in order to taper by 10% or less a month, you're going to need to be precise.

 

Using a digital scale to measure doses

[lexapoison]

36 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

This is a good start to spacing out your Ativan, but I'm concerned you're taking "about" a certain percentage.

 

We talked about using a scale over on your benzo forum. Did you go ahead and order one? If not, please do so. It's important to have your drug measured out before you start tapering because in order to taper by 10% or less a month, you're going to need to be precise.

 

Using a digital scale to measure doses

I will get the scale. I’ve been consistently taking less than .5mg because I keep taking the smaller pieces. I don’t believe I’m so dependent on it yet I don’t think. Will it be hard to taper off of .5mg later on if I go slow? Also still okay to cry the Lexapro if need I’m still not 100% sure I want to continue with it as the si and anxiety has been super high and not sure if that’s the cause of it.

[Shep]

7 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

I don’t believe I’m so dependent on it yet I don’t think.

 

We've discussed this again and again, Lex. You've shown signs that you ARE dependent. That's why you were unable to rapid taper off it.

 

Please respect the power of this drug. The fact that you're taking "about" a certain percentage of your drug is not good. Please get a scale. 

 

8 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

Also still okay to cry the Lexapro if need I’m still not 100% sure I want to continue with it as the si and anxiety has been super high and not sure if that’s the cause of it.

 

Please see:

 

The rule of 3KIS: Keep it simple. Keep it slow. Keep it stable.

 

You'll have the Ativan moved so it's 12 hours apart in 12 days. Let's see if that helps.

 

You are correct that there's no way to know what is causing what, but making two changes at once still means you won't know, should your symptoms change. 

 

[Altostrata]

On 8/5/2019 at 4:37 AM, Altostrata said:

When your system is sensitized, benzos can cause very strange reactions, sometimes doing the opposite of what you'd expect them to do. Benzos are a 2-edged sword and we don't recommend getting dependent on them if you can avoid it.

 

For that reason, we suggest reinstatement of a very dose of the original drug rather than adding to your problems with a benzo.

 

On 9/10/2019 at 10:47 PM, Altostrata said:

We've asked for daily drug and symptom notes 4 times. If you're posting this in the benzo forum, that's the right way to go. We need those notes before we can figure out what's going on.

 

On 9/24/2019 at 11:56 AM, Shep said:

 

Lex, the below quote is what I posted a couple of days ago on your benzo thread. I really think you're getting interdose Ativan withdrawal. This is a sign that you're developing a dependency on the Ativan. If you look over your threads, you'll see where your journals indicated crying spells prior to the AD reinstatement, so I wouldn't place this particular symptom solely as an AD symptom, although the AD could be adding to it as your nervous system acclimates to the change. 

 

I wouldn't make any changes to the AD reinstatement right now because it's unlikely that will help with interdose benzo issues. 

 

Since you're already decreasing the benzo, please focus on that for now and do as much self care as you can. 

 

 

 

On 9/24/2019 at 1:28 PM, Shep said:

 

Please re-read both your threads, Lex. If you need to stay on the Ativan, then let's work on spacing out your doses to mitigate interdose withdrawal (please post over in your benzo forum for this). 

 

If you wish to continue coming off it, then you'll have to work on non-drug coping skills and distraction (although you may want to limit the video games and work on bringing in distractions that won't keep you glued to a screen all day and night). 

 

[lexapoison]

Fell asleep a little later last night. Probably around 3am just wasn’t that tired.

10am: Still at aunts house. Woke up Not much anxiety or panic. Stayed in bed for a couple more hours trying to escape the day in and out of sleep. SI.

1230pm: Get out of bed still feeling kind of alright.

1pm: Start to feel heavy feeling in head but not too bad. Eat and take .09mg of Lexapro.

130pm: On couch start to feel anxiety and panic, burning in body and slightly hot.

2pm: Start panicking some and higher anxiety. Trying to stay calm.

3pm: Still feel anxiety and some panic.

4pm: Get up to take shower. Feel really really good in shower, don’t want to get out.

5pm: Heavy anxiety and panic and SI.

6pm: Leave to get food with family. Heavy anxiety and feeling out of it. SI. 630pm: Very high anxiety and some panic and feeling out of it.
645pm: Horrible wave at dinner table. Can’t keep my eyes open, every bad memory and thought popping in my head all at once. High anxiety and panic. Head feels extremely heavy. High SI.

7pm: Seemed to have passed some. Tiny bit more relaxed. Anxiety and panic.

730pm: Driving home. Short maybe window followed by intense SI. 8pm: Feeling better but very strong anxiety.

830pm: Extremely intense anxiety burning my chest I don’t know how one is supposed to cope with this amount of physical and mental anxiety.

9pm: Took 25% of .5mg of Ativan.
10pm: Calmer. Still have some anxiety and panic burning my chest.

11pm: Took the rest of the Ativan.

12pm: Feel almost the same. Slightly less panic and anxiety

2am: Feeling the same. Can cope wkth things a little better. Better than I was without the Ativan. But still not great.
 

Really want to lower Lexapro to around .05mg. I feel like it’s helping a lot but too strong still as it’s still causing burning in my body. Crying is better though after the drops. No longer crying for 6+ hours a day. Biggest problems now are the intense and pretty constant si, pretty constant and intense anxiety and panic and the really ugly thoughts when I think about anything.

[Shep]

On 10/2/2019 at 4:13 AM, lexapoison said:

12pm: Get out of bed in a panic. Have a lot of anxiety regarding what I’m going to do all day to keep my mind busy.
1pm: took .09mg of Lexapro. 

 

On 10/3/2019 at 6:27 AM, lexapoison said:

8am: Woke up anxiety not as bad as yesterday able to go back to sleep.

11am: Anxiety picks up. Wake up go to living room in panic.

1pm: Eat some food and take .09mg of Lexapro.

 

15 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

10am: Still at aunts house. Woke up Not much anxiety or panic. Stayed in bed for a couple more hours trying to escape the day in and out of sleep. SI.

1230pm: Get out of bed still feeling kind of alright.

1pm: Start to feel heavy feeling in head but not too bad. Eat and take .09mg of Lexapro.

130pm: On couch start to feel anxiety and panic, burning in body and slightly hot.

 

Lex, please have a careful read over these sections from your latest journals. 

 

On 10/2, you experienced panic BEFORE taking the Lexapro.

On 10/3, you experienced less anxiety initially but then it picked up and reached a panic BEFORE taking Lexapro.

Today was the only day out of these three where you experienced panic only AFTER taking Lexapro. 

 

Let's give this another day without making a Lexapro reduction. This could be a fluke, as withdrawal is nonlinear and very unpredictable. 

 

Let's work with just the benzo right now and get that at 8 PM and 11 PM tonight. It's possible that over the next few days, as the benzo is moved to earlier in the day, any interdose benzo withdrawal will be managed. Right now, it's impossible to know if it's Ativan interdose withdrawal or too high a Lexapro reinstatement, but making changes in both at the same time will likely make it more difficult to figure out. 

[lexapoison]

You got it, Shep. What worries me the most is the SI. I have a feeling it’s related to the Lexapro but we’ll see as I had high SI on lexapro when I was on it. The anxiety I think is largely due to the Ativan, again we’ll see. It just worries me because since I’ve been taking my earlier dose the anxiety doesn’t really go down that much until I take my final dose but again we’ll see.

 

Thank you for taking the time, Shep.

[Daisygirlsk]

8 hours ago, lexapoison said:

You got it, Shep. What worries me the most is the SI. I have a feeling it’s related to the Lexapro but we’ll see as I had high SI on lexapro when I was on it. The anxiety I think is largely due to the Ativan, again we’ll see. It just worries me because since I’ve been taking my earlier dose the anxiety doesn’t really go down that much until I take my final dose but again we’ll see.

 

Thank you for taking the time, Shep.

I'm sorry you are going through so much.

I was on celexa for 7 years and tapered much too quickly in april 2018 because that's what my doctor told me to do.

I resonate with your story

I have had many of your symptoms

My physical symptoms have greatly improved although I still have a lot of mental ones.

Healing is very frustrating but everything everyone is saying here is true.

I also just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and have moved home to live with my mother at 37.

I cannot tolerate any stress and cannot handle a full time job right now.

It's the most trying experience of my life.

But if you can go through antidepressant withdrawal you can go through ANYTHING

People have no idea what we go through. Except of course for the people on here.

Your family and friends likely wont understand but cling to the ones who will try

I also have been hospitalized for symptoms but I refused more psych drugs. Except before I knew about withdrawal and saw a psychiatrist who reinstated me at full dose after 7 months of nothing. Bad reaction 

You will get better over time.

Take the day minute by minute if you need to

I make video diaries because it really helps see improvements when i convince myself there are none

[lexapoison]

4 hours ago, Daisygirlsk said:

I'm sorry you are going through so much.

I was on celexa for 7 years and tapered much too quickly in april 2018 because that's what my doctor told me to do.

I resonate with your story

I have had many of your symptoms

My physical symptoms have greatly improved although I still have a lot of mental ones.

Healing is very frustrating but everything everyone is saying here is true.

I also just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and have moved home to live with my mother at 37.

I cannot tolerate any stress and cannot handle a full time job right now.

It's the most trying experience of my life.

But if you can go through antidepressant withdrawal you can go through ANYTHING

People have no idea what we go through. Except of course for the people on here.

Your family and friends likely wont understand but cling to the ones who will try

I also have been hospitalized for symptoms but I refused more psych drugs. Except before I knew about withdrawal and saw a psychiatrist who reinstated me at full dose after 7 months of nothing. Bad reaction 

You will get better over time.

Take the day minute by minute if you need to

I make video diaries because it really helps see improvements when i convince myself there are none

Thank you for your comment. Sorry you are suffering. Have your mental symptoms gotten better at all? I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend my girlfriend abandoned me for being sick. It’s so inhumane what’s going on

[lexapoison]

I got my scale coming in tomorrow. Can anyone help me with measuring my Ativan into .375mg and .125mg and my Lexapro into .09mg. Is it possible to do with such a low dose. I tried to read the thread on it but was way too confused. I also notice when I cut the Ativan some turns into powder and I’m not able to get it all.

[lexapoison]

Fell asleep late maybe around 5am

 

9am: Kept waking up in the morning from noises outside. Really disrupted sleep. SI, but no anxiety for the first couple of hours but then the morning anxiety kicked in.
1pm: After going in and out of sleep and dealing with anxiety finally get out of bed. Feel really weird, just really out of it. Weird feeling in head, can’t sit still. Some burning throughout body, clogged ears, some sweat, feeling hot, anxiety, agitation, everything is bad.
2pm: Took .09mg of Lexapro. Ate some food. Still feeling really bad. Everything just seems bad.

3pm: Clogged ears, burning body, high anxiety and panic. Can’t think.

4pm: Taking a walk with aunt. Feeling a bit better. Bad thoughts, some panic and fear.

5pm: Hign anxiety and sweating. Can’t stop pacing. Have never had anxiety this high like I’ve been having lately.

545pm: Ate some food. Anxiety down a bit. SI.

6pm: High anxiety, bad thoughts, tight forehead. I think numb feeling in penis is starting to slightly come back these past couple of days.

630pm: Anxiety lower.

7pm: Take another walk slight fear and vision problems like before RI but less and brain just feels all over the place.
730pm: Took .125mg of Ativan 30 mins early, sorry Shep had to leave to go home and home is an hour away. Numb penis. 8pm: At home. Lots of panic, lots of memories of girlfriend don’t know how to stop thinking of her.
9pm: Playing video games. Keeping mind off things.

10pm: Calmer.

11pm: Took .375mg of Ativan. Feeling the same

12pm: Symptoms raging just calmer and lower anxiety. Able to cope a tiny bit better.

1am: Same as above.
 

Crying spells seem to be gone (for now) ever since lowering Lexapro dose. Still cry a bit when I get overwhelmed but nothing even close to how it was. Can anyone tell from notes if my RI is working or if it isn’t? I know it’s soon. I believe I need to lower the dose a little bit, but in due time I guess. Hope I’m just not doing harm sitting at a dose that may or may not be too high for me.

[Shep]

On 10/4/2019 at 10:50 PM, lexapoison said:

I got my scale coming in tomorrow. Can anyone help me with measuring my Ativan into .375mg and .125mg and my Lexapro into .09mg. Is it possible to do with such a low dose. I tried to read the thread on it but was way too confused. I also notice when I cut the Ativan some turns into powder and I’m not able to get it all.

 

It may help to watch a video of someone using  a scale.

 

Scale use video (6.5 minutes)

 

It's best to crush your pill up and weigh the entire pill. 

 

This is a video about the Gemini scale that includes tips on how to recalibrate it before you use it (if your scale is different, please refer to your user manual, this will at least give you an idea of how this works).  The instructions to recalibrate start at around 3:30 minutes into the video but you may want to watch the entire review. 

 

             Smart Weigh GEM20 Digital Jewelry Scale Review video 

 

Please also make sure you're following the directions in this post:

 

Using a Digital Scale - Alto's Tips

 

Please post:

• the brand of scale you have
• the dose size of your pills for both the Ativan and the Lexapro

Once you provide this information, we can walk you through how to use a scale. If you're struggling with math, no worries. A moderator will help out. 

 

 

On 10/5/2019 at 6:14 AM, lexapoison said:

Crying spells seem to be gone (for now) ever since lowering Lexapro dose. Still cry a bit when I get overwhelmed but nothing even close to how it was. Can anyone tell from notes if my RI is working or if it isn’t? I know it’s soon. I believe I need to lower the dose a little bit, but in due time I guess. Hope I’m just not doing harm sitting at a dose that may or may not be too high for me.

 

On 9/30/2019 at 9:25 PM, lexapoison said:

RI seems to helped most of my symptoms. The only thing that it brought up is this intense crying now which leads to SI. Also an increase in pacing. 

 

The fact that your crying spells are gone now is a good sign, especially since you had reported that the intense crying was leading to SI. 

 

How is the need to pace now? Has that decreased? 

 

Please hold the Lexapro dose steady and continue moving the Ativan. Going forward at least you'll have a much clearer idea of how much you're taking because you'll be weighing it with a scale. 

 

 

[Daisygirlsk]

On 10/4/2019 at 7:38 PM, lexapoison said:

Thank you for your comment. Sorry you are suffering. Have your mental symptoms gotten better at all? I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend my girlfriend abandoned me for being sick. It’s so inhumane what’s going on

They have gotten better some. I dont get panic attacks anymore and last year around this time I was having 3 a day. I was also suicidal which I am not now. However my ocd is out of control.

[lexapoison]

9 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

It may help to watch a video of someone using  a scale.

 

Scale use video (6.5 minutes)

 

It's best to crush your pill up and weigh the entire pill. 

 

This is a video about the Gemini scale that includes tips on how to recalibrate it before you use it (if your scale is different, please refer to your user manual, this will at least give you an idea of how this works).  The instructions to recalibrate start at around 3:30 minutes into the video but you may want to watch the entire review. 

 

             Smart Weigh GEM20 Digital Jewelry Scale Review video 

 

Please also make sure you're following the directions in this post:

 

Using a Digital Scale - Alto's Tips

 

Please post:

• the brand of scale you have
• the dose size of your pills for both the Ativan and the Lexapro

Once you provide this information, we can walk you through how to use a scale. If you're struggling with math, no worries. A moderator will help out. 

 

 

 

 

The fact that your crying spells are gone now is a good sign, especially since you had reported that the intense crying was leading to SI. 

 

How is the need to pace now? Has that decreased? 

 

Please hold the Lexapro dose steady and continue moving the Ativan. Going forward at least you'll have a much clearer idea of how much you're taking because you'll be weighing it with a scale. 

 

 

 

Thank you for all the resources, Shep. I have recalibrated my scale. The dose of the Ativan is 1mg and the dose of the Lexapro is 5mg.

The scale is an $18 one from Amazon from the company Zilink that measures down to .001g. It just says TL series on the box.

 

The crying is better and the pacing is better since lowering the Lexapro dose. Intense SI is not better though and it’s really scary. Tinnitus still very loud and burning of body and hot feeling is still there. Also numb feeling in penis is still a thing, something that popped up when I reinstated too high of a dose of celexa. Anxiety and panic still through the roof (I think my breakup is a big factor on this one).

[Shep]

45 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

The dose of the Ativan is 1mg and the dose of the Lexapro is 5mg.

 

 

 

Here is what you need to do for the Lexapro: 

• crush the 5 mg Lexapro pill
• weigh it according to the instructions for your scale and write down that number. This is the number you will work with. 
• since you're taking .09 mg, take 1.8% of that number from the scale (5 mg X .018 = .09)

If you need help with the math, please post the weight of the 5 mg Lexapro pill and a moderator will do the percentage for you.

 

Here is what you need to do for the Ativan:

• crush the 1 mg Ativan pill
• weigh it according to the instructions for your scale and write down that number. This is the number you will work with for both doses. 
• since you're taking .375 mg at night, take 37.5% of that number (1 mg X .375 = .375 mg)
• since you're taking .125 mg earlier in the day, take 12.5% of that number (1 mg X .125 = .125 mg)

If you need help with the math, please post the weight of the 1 mg Ativan pill and a moderator will do the percentages for you.

 

57 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

The crying is better and the pacing is better since lowering the Lexapro dose. Intense SI is not better though and it’s really scary. Tinnitus still very loud and burning of body and hot feeling is still there. Also numb feeling in penis is still a thing, something that popped up when I reinstated too high of a dose of celexa. Anxiety and panic still through the roof (I think my breakup is a big factor on this one).

 

I think your spot on that you're still dealing with the breakup, but I think you're also right about the AD causing problems. 

 

Let's get the doses accurate with the scale and talk about reducing the Lexapro a bit more. It's possible you may want to do this even while you're moving the Ativan. We don't usually recommend this, but you now have a new symptom that looks very AD related, especially with your prior history of an adverse reaction with Celexa. 

 

I've already worked out the percentages, but if math is a struggle for you right now, simply weigh each of the pills and post what the scale says and a moderator can do the math for you. 

[lexapoison]

21 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

 

Here is what you need to do for the Lexapro: 

• crush the 5 mg Lexapro pill
• weigh it according to the instructions for your scale and write down that number. This is the number you will work with. 
• since you're taking .09 mg, take 1.8% of that number from the scale (5 mg X .018 = .09)

If you need help with the math, please post the weight of the 5 mg Lexapro pill and a moderator will do the percentage for you.

 

Here is what you need to do for the Ativan:

• crush the 1 mg Ativan pill
• weigh it according to the instructions for your scale and write down that number. This is the number you will work with for both doses. 
• since you're taking .375 mg at night, take 37.5% of that number (1 mg X .375 = .375 mg)
• since you're taking .125 mg earlier in the day, take 12.5% of that number (1 mg X .125 = .125 mg)

If you need help with the math, please post the weight of the 1 mg Ativan pill and a moderator will do the percentages for you.

 

 

I think your spot on that you're still dealing with the breakup, but I think you're also right about the AD causing problems. 

 

Let's get the doses accurate with the scale and talk about reducing the Lexapro a bit more. It's possible you may want to do this even while you're moving the Ativan. We don't usually recommend this, but you now have a new symptom that looks very AD related, especially with your prior history of an adverse reaction with Celexa. 

 

I've already worked out the percentages, but if math is a struggle for you right now, simply weigh each of the pills and post what the scale says and a moderator can do the math for you. 

Ty Shep. If the scale only goes down to .001g how would I measure say .092mg if the math works out that way? It won’t be able to measure the .002mg would it?

[Shep]

15 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

Ty Shep. If the scale only goes down to .001g how would I measure say .092mg if the math works out that way? It won’t be able to measure the .002mg would it?

 

No need to convert from grams to milligrams. Once you get that number off the scale, you're going to work by percentages. For example, you're currently taking 1.8% (.018) of a 5 mg Lexapro pill. So you'll take 1.8% of whatever your pill weighs on the scale (please note the weight will reflect the fillers). 

 

1.8% is 1.8% regardless if you're taking it off of grams or off of milligrams. 

 

Once you do this a few times, you'll be a pro. 

 

I imagine you're taking more than 1.8% right now because you're using a pill cutter and eye balling it. With a percentage that low, it's very hard to get it accurate without a scale. So you may be reducing it simply by changing your method. 

[lexapoison]

7 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

No need to convert from grams to milligrams. Once you get that number off the scale, you're going to work by percentages. For example, you're currently taking 1.8% (.018) of a 5 mg Lexapro pill. So you'll take 1.8% of whatever your pill weighs on the scale (please note the weight will reflect the fillers). 

 

1.8% is 1.8% regardless if you're taking it off of grams or off of milligrams. 

 

Once you do this a few times, you'll be a pro. 

 

I imagine you're taking more than 1.8% right now because you're using a pill cutter and eye balling it. With a percentage that low, it's very hard to get it accurate without a scale. So you may be reducing it simply by changing your method. 

Thanks Shep. So essentially I won’t worry about that .002 then because I won’t be able to measure it is what you’re saying? I’ve been making a homemade liquid with my Lexapro ever since I RI. Also, what do I do with the powder just throw it in my mouth and wash it down with water?

[Shep]

1 minute ago, lexapoison said:

Thanks Shep. So essentially I won’t worry about that .002 then because I won’t be able to measure it is what you’re saying? I’ve been making a homemade liquid with my Lexapro ever since I RI. 

 

I'm sorry, Lex, I didn't realize you were doing a liquid taper with the Lexapro. 

 

You may want to stick with that instead of using a scale. I'm very glad to read this because that means you're taking an accurate dose. 

 

What do you think about reducing the Lexapro a bit now? Perhaps to .08 mg to see if some of your symptoms are adverse reactions, as opposed to withdrawal? 

 

4 minutes ago, lexapoison said:

Also, what do I do with the powder just throw it in my mouth and wash it down with water?

 

Are you talking about the Ativan? 

 

You could put the powder in a bit of applesauce if the taste is bad. 

 

You may want to order some empty capsules if you haven't already (please see the scale thread for details). Many people find the large gelatin capsules (size 000 or 00) are easiest to handle and to fill. 

 

Since you're using 1 mg pills, you have two days worth. Empty capsules will be the easiest way to store the powder after you measure it. 

 

 

[lexapoison]

Thanks, Shep. If .08mg is what is advisable then I’ll do it. I was thinking something lower, like .05mg but you know best.