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Nelly

Unhealthy relationships

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UnfoldingSky
On 9/3/2019 at 11:07 AM, getofflex said:

Nelly and Unfolding Sky, I hope you are both doing well, and avoiding partners who are unhealthy for you.  

 

Hi getofflex, I was away on a trip until a few days ago, so missed your message as I was mostly avoiding the net.  I am okay thank you for asking, the trip generally went well.  Back at home with family though and there were a few problems when I got home. 

 

I see in reading over this thread you were having a hard time with the frenemy, have you managed to get her out of your life? 

 

Also a lot of themes on this thread resonate with me as well.  There is someone in my family who has an alcohol abuse issue too.  While some family have been supportive of me in terms of helping me with physical needs during withdrawal, emotionally it's rather another story.  I have had to cut out one family member entirely lately as they turned really abusive towards me.  After going away for a while I have come to understand that the effects of being under stress from these relationships is more substantial than i was wanting to admit to myself.  With that one family member it's arrived at a point where i now see that they have had a huge effect on my self esteem lowering it to the point i felt I was not valid at all. I'm doing so much better not being around them.  I just hope i can continue to avoid them in future.

 

i hope everyone here manages to get the support they need in withdrawal and beyond too.  And lots of rest too sounds like a lot of us are pretty tired! 

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getofflex

Hello unfolding sky, no problem, I understand.  I have not gotten the frenemy out of my life completely.  She goes to my church and bible study, so not sure if that is possible.  My husband is very devoted to this church as is my son, me not as much, but I go to church with my husband because it means a lot to him.  The pastor got injured and so the Bible study has not happened for the past few weeks.  She called last Tuesday and said "I haven't seen you in a while".  I just said yeah, I know.  Then I said I had to get going because I had things to do, and we hung up.  

 

I'm really proud of you for getting that abusive family member out of your life completely.  Why do some people think they have the right to abuse someone just because they are a relative.  I have experienced a lot of abuse by many people in the past, which is I think the reason for the anxiety and depression for which I was put on AD's in the first place.  I have spent many years in therapy dealing with that, and feel that I'm finally ready to live without psych meds.  See if there are any other people in your life who are stressing you, and see if you can limit them, or eliminate them completely.  Toxic people terrible for our mental health, and for stress levels.  I always feel much better when there aren't toxic people around me.  

 

I'm still praying for you.  I just made a cut in my dose, after being on the previous dose for 2 months.  I've felt reasonably stable for the past couple of weeks.  I made a very small reduction, from 0.3 mg to 0.27 mg.  Hopefully that won't affect me too badly.  When I dropped from 0.4 to 0.3, I really felt it, but then was dealing with several external stressors as well. 

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UnfoldingSky

Hi, getofflex,

 

Thank you for your prayers and understanding, I will keep you in my prayers too.  I have had to deal with a lot of abuse too from different people.   I am sorry you have gone through the same thing.   Like you I was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression and it definitely had something to do with what I'd been through.  Though I did have tiredness from some minor health issues doctors did not look for also playing into my situation.  I am glad that the therapy you had has helped.  You don't deserve to be abused.

 

How are things going with this most recent cut?  I think the external stressors really impact how withdrawal  goes, I was in denial about that for a long time, thinking it was all the pills to blame for how I felt..but during withdrawal I put up with so much from people that really made things worse. Sounds like a smart plan to just be short and sweet with the people you can't totally get away from too, like you were with the frenemy. I used to always want to give people another chance but it has not worked out very well.   I finally figured out the less you divulge the toxic sorts the better!  Then they have less to throw back at you later on.

 

 

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getofflex

Hello Unfolding sky, 

 

I have done very well on the recent cut.  It was a very small cut, from 0.3 to 0.27.  I have had a medical emergency the past 2 days.  I had bursitis of the knee which suddenly got much worse to where I couldn't even walk on my left leg.  So I went to the ER Wednesday, then an orthopedic clinic yesterday.  

 

Now I'm feeling anxious about going to visit my aunt on Sunday.  My family of origin was so toxic and abusive.  This aunt has a very strong and domineering personality.  At times she can be a beeyatch!  My sister Margaret who I'm close to and I were going, and I thought it would just be a simple short visit.  Now, I'm told we are all bringing food.  It will be a late lunch, which is not good for me because I'm used to eating lunch early, and sticking to a schedule is important for me for several reasons.  My sister asked me to bring a green salad.  A part of me wants to skip this thing altogether.  I may just go and stay for a SHORT time.  What do you think? 

 

My husband is being very sweet and helping me ice my knee, and helping me in other ways.  I have good relationships with my husband and 2 sons, but my family of origin has all the classic traits of an alcoholic family.  My grandfather on my father's side was a severe alcoholic, and that's probably why my aunt is the way she is.  The last time this aunt was bitchy to me I stood up to her, and she got defensive and denied it.  But I'm proud that I stood up to her.  

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UnfoldingSky

Hi getofflex, I am sorry to hear about your knee!  But glad you are doing well otherwise with the recent cut, and that your husband is helping you out.  It's so nice that he is looking out for you.

 

Your family sounds like mine, I also had a grandparent who had an alcohol issue.  Though as a child I didn't realize he did.  I have an aunt who is hard to get along with too, I avoid her now.    Is there any way you can get out of this event on Sunday if you don't want to go by saying your knee is bothering you a lot?  If you can't do that I would leave early if it were me.  We so don't need added stress in withdrawal! 

 

I think it's great that you stood up for yourself too. I always feel better when I do!  

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getofflex

Unfolding sky I've already decided not to go to this event.  I thought about my past history with this aunt, and she has been emotionally and verbally abusive with me.  She has put me down and treated me poorly throughout my life.  For some reason my mom and sisters have just put up with her bad behavior and been in denial about it.  But then that is the nature of toxic and dysfunctional families.  

 

You are absolutely right, I don't need the additional stress with the withdrawal.  One of the hard things about getting off the antidepressants, is I no longer have that emotional numbness the AD gave me.  It's actually a good thing, since now I can deal with stuff directly in a healthy manner, instead of just being emotionally numb to it all and in denial.  

 

It is vital to my emotional health to stay away from abusive and mean people. Otherwise I will fall back into depression. My sister is questioning why I backed out, and I just told her (which is true) that I have a bad knee, plus AD WD.  This sister is on two AD's herself, and she too was poorly treated by the family, so she is still in a lot of denial.  

 

It is hard trying to have emotions again and deal with them head on, instead of numbing them by using AD's.  However, I believe it is much healthier, and more conducive to emotional and spiritual growth. 

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Nelly

I hear you. I think we are doing really well in recognising how these relationships affect us., and now that we are able to do so, do what is best for us. Since I moved 60 miles away from my family, along with all the positive changes I am doing, my life has improved so much. 

My mum called me twice this week, prior to this, she hadn’t called me in 12 months. I don’t blame her, but now recognise what a huge impact her behaviour has had on my life. Now, she is missing me, and the support I have previously provided to my siblings. I am not willing to sacrifice my health and happiness anymore. I want some happiness before I due.  No one has tried to hold me up when I have been falling. 

We must put our own health & happiness first. Keep on with your consideration for yourselves first. I applaud you. X

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UnfoldingSky

 

 

19 hours ago, getofflex said:

Unfolding sky I've already decided not to go to this event.  I thought about my past history with this aunt, and she has been emotionally and verbally abusive with me.  She has put me down and treated me poorly throughout my life.  For some reason my mom and sisters have just put up with her bad behavior and been in denial about it.  But then that is the nature of toxic and dysfunctional families.  

 

You are absolutely right, I don't need the additional stress with the withdrawal.  One of the hard things about getting off the antidepressants, is I no longer have that emotional numbness the AD gave me.  It's actually a good thing, since now I can deal with stuff directly in a healthy manner, instead of just being emotionally numb to it all and in denial.  

 

It is vital to my emotional health to stay away from abusive and mean people. Otherwise I will fall back into depression. My sister is questioning why I backed out, and I just told her (which is true) that I have a bad knee, plus AD WD.  This sister is on two AD's herself, and she too was poorly treated by the family, so she is still in a lot of denial.  

 

It is hard trying to have emotions again and deal with them head on, instead of numbing them by using AD's.  However, I believe it is much healthier, and more conducive to emotional and spiritual growth. 

 

getofflex, I think you made the right choice in not going. Your aunt is like mine.  My Mom also puts up with a lot of her bad behavior too and she can go into denial about it too.  Just yesterday she was trying to defend her to me, I could not handle hearing it as my Mom knows full well how hard she can be to get along with. 

 

I understand too what you mean about having to avoid toxic and mean people so you don't get trapped in depression again, same here.  Yesterday some of my family were trying to get me to talk to the relative whom I am avoiding, one family member always does this gets involved where it's not their business.  I was so upset, they basically try to bully me into talking to them for their own agendas. How I feel never seems to matter one bit. I had been doing so well too, I felt almost liberated not speaking to that person...Now that same person wants to talk to me again, and if I refuse probably I'm going to be basically stalked by them. Thankfully another relative sees that I have a reason to be upset and understands why I won't speak to this person.

 

And I agree I think it is healthier to deal with this stuff if we can do it. When I was on pills and before I reacted badly to one, I just seemed to allow problems to accrue in my life, never really doing anything to deal with these bad relationships.  Sometimes I didn't even see that a relationship was not great.

 

 

 

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UnfoldingSky
9 hours ago, Nelly said:

I hear you. I think we are doing really well in recognising how these relationships affect us., and now that we are able to do so, do what is best for us. Since I moved 60 miles away from my family, along with all the positive changes I am doing, my life has improved so much. 

My mum called me twice this week, prior to this, she hadn’t called me in 12 months. I don’t blame her, but now recognise what a huge impact her behaviour has had on my life. Now, she is missing me, and the support I have previously provided to my siblings. I am not willing to sacrifice my health and happiness anymore. I want some happiness before I due.  No one has tried to hold me up when I have been falling. 

We must put our own health & happiness first. Keep on with your consideration for yourselves first. I applaud you. X

 

Nelly, good to hear from you. I'm sorry that your needs were not met when you needed support. My family have provided little in the way of emotional support for me.  I think everyone here needs to stay strong in the face of challenges to re-establish the same worn out dynamics with people who are not healthy to be around. You are so right in desiring to put your health and happiness first. I am so glad to talk to people here and see how they help each other out and provide such good advice and examples of how to go forward with attaining happiness. You are all bright souls! And deserve to be appreciated! 

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getofflex
On 9/22/2019 at 3:39 AM, UnfoldingSky said:

 

 

 

getofflex, I think you made the right choice in not going. Your aunt is like mine.  My Mom also puts up with a lot of her bad behavior too and she can go into denial about it too.  Just yesterday she was trying to defend her to me, I could not handle hearing it as my Mom knows full well how hard she can be to get along with. 

 

I understand too what you mean about having to avoid toxic and mean people so you don't get trapped in depression again, same here.  Yesterday some of my family were trying to get me to talk to the relative whom I am avoiding, one family member always does this gets involved where it's not their business.  I was so upset, they basically try to bully me into talking to them for their own agendas. How I feel never seems to matter one bit. I had been doing so well too, I felt almost liberated not speaking to that person...Now that same person wants to talk to me again, and if I refuse probably I'm going to be basically stalked by them. Thankfully another relative sees that I have a reason to be upset and understands why I won't speak to this person.

 

And I agree I think it is healthier to deal with this stuff if we can do it. When I was on pills and before I reacted badly to one, I just seemed to allow problems to accrue in my life, never really doing anything to deal with these bad relationships.  Sometimes I didn't even see that a relationship was not great.

 

 

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this pressure to see this toxic person.  And I'm sorry they do not care about your feelings.  Hang in there, and stand you ground.  Jennifer

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UnfoldingSky
14 hours ago, getofflex said:

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this pressure to see this toxic person.  And I'm sorry they do not care about your feelings.  Hang in there, and stand you ground.  Jennifer

Thank you Jennifer and I hope you are doing well.  US

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