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drugged: multiple drugs

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drugged

September 20, 2019

3:00am got up

Pain - upper back, shoulders, arms, neck, thoracic spine area - fairly severe*

100mg tramadol

75mg velafaxine

20mg omeprazole

thyroid meds

 

6:00am ate

Pain slightly less but still pretty uncomfortable, feel fatigued

 

10:00am meditated 30 minutes

 

2:00pm ate

90 beads venlafaxine

25mg lyrica

10mg buspirone

Pain in cervical spine, left shoulder and arm, fatigue, allodynia-like sensations in skin, skin is itchy, too.

 

7:00pm

100mg tramadol

 

8:00pm

50mg trazodone

10mg diazepam

5mg zolpidem

 

12:00am woke up

 

*On Thursday we moved the living room furniture and rolled out a large, heavy area rug, then moved furniture back in place

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Shep
On 9/20/2019 at 10:23 AM, drugged said:

Just thinking here.  What do you all think if, after I finish tapering the buspirone, I taper off the zolpidem?  The zolpidem definitely knocks me out at night but it leaves me with a noticeable hangover the next morning.  I've gone completely off it various times since it was first prescribed without any problems (probably because I take enough other drugs to sedate a horse).  Anyway I was thinking about tapering it and leaving the venlafaxine on hold for a bit longer.

 

I have extra zolpidem that I could put away just in case insomnia became a major problem when I start tapering the venlafaxine again, especially when I get down under the 37.5mg dose.  From a previous, stone age, attempt to taper the AD, my experience was that I didn't have major problems until I got to a very low dose (I can't remember what that dose was).  Then my worst withdrawal effects were akathisia/anxiety and insomnia.  I know I can't count on it being the same but I've noticed my body has tendencies to react to some of these drugs in characteristic ways.  

 

I would be hesitant to remove the zolpidem with the expectation that you could restart it later on during your venlafaxine reduction. The problem with this is kindling. Please see:

 

Kindling (sedative–hypnotic withdrawal)

 

When you tried to withdrawal from this AD in the past, were you also taking other sedating drugs? If so, and you still experienced insomnia, you may want to stay on the zolpidem until you're off the AD. 

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drugged

When I tapered the venlafaxine from 300mg down to less than 37.5mg years ago I know I wasn't taking zolpidem, trazodone, tramadol, or lyrica.  I don't think I was on the diazepam yet, either, but I'm not sure.  Tapering down to under 37.5mg venlafaxine wasn't very difficult.  It was going from 37.5mg to 0 that tripped me up.  I developed akathisia and when I reported this to my psychiatrist he put me back on 75mg venlafaxine.  I didn't understand then or now why he didn't have me reinstate the 37.5mg dose as I had been doing okay on that.  

 

No problem staying on the zolpidem.  It was just a thought I had.  When my brain isn't completely fogged in I'm always mentally exploring so you'll see me do this a lot.  I don't have anyone in my life that I can bounce ideas off of.  

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drugged

September 21, 2019

12:00am pain woke me up

 

1:30am got up

Pain:  shoulders and upper arms, upper back, neck, elbows, forearms, and hands.  

 

2:00am

100mg tramadol

75mg venlafaxine

20mg omeprazole

thyroid meds

 

4:00am - 5:00am laid down but didn't sleep

Pain a bit less

 

6:00am ate

 

Generally achy, tired, apathetic all day.

 

2:00pm ate

90 beads venlafaxine

25mg lyrica

10mg buspirone

 

8:00pm

100mg tramadol

50mg trazodone

10mg diazepam

5mg zolpidem

 

 

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drugged

The constant upper body pain, GI discomfort and cramping, muscle weakness and debilitation, allodynia, blurred vision, difficulty concentrating, memory and cognitive impairments, all these result in a pretty crappy quality of life but the thing that bothers me the most is the never-ending apathy.  If that would lift even a little bit, when it has lifted in the past, I feel like a totally different person.  I feel empowered.  

 

I just realized that I've not been listing all the symptoms I have in my diary.  Some of them I've struggled with for so long and are so constant it's like I don't think about them.  For instance, the allodynia worsens every afternoon especially after a shower, vision is always blurred it seems, muscles are weak because of lack of use I imagine, etc.  

 

 

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drugged
23 hours ago, drugged said:

The constant upper body pain, GI discomfort and cramping, muscle weakness and debilitation, allodynia, blurred vision, difficulty concentrating, memory and cognitive impairments, all these result in a pretty crappy quality of life but the thing that bothers me the most is the never-ending apathy.  If that would lift even a little bit, when it has lifted in the past, I feel like a totally different person.  I feel empowered.  

 

I just realized that I've not been listing all the symptoms I have in my diary.  Some of them I've struggled with for so long and are so constant it's like I don't think about them.  For instance, the allodynia worsens every afternoon especially after a shower, vision is always blurred it seems, muscles are weak because of lack of use I imagine, etc.  

 

 

I've been living everyday with some or all of these symptoms for at least 6 years now (some for much longer).  I've also struggled with tendinitis in both elbows, metatarsalgia in both feet (that stopped my running which was my best coping mechanism for years), and recurrent bladder infections.  I've also been almost completely house-bound these last six years.  In a strange way it's like part of my mind has adapted to the constant misery - it doesn't pop into my conscious thought unless one of the symptoms worsens significantly or if they seem to gang up on me.  As I write down my daily diary I try to identify any symptoms I'm feeling and a lot of the time my mind is just a blank.  It's as if, having lived with them for so long, they've become 'normal' though not in a good way.  

 

I also feel overwhelmed by all the information.  I'm reading all the links you give me here plus looking up research papers on Pubmed.  I was stunned reading about the fluoroquinolones and thinking of all the times I'd been given those for UTIs, connecting that with the elbow tendinitis and metatarsalgia, wondering if this damage is permanent.  

 

I just feel so totally helpless ... 

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drugged

September 22, 2019

Slept better, not in so much pain, brain is foggy as all get out - thoughts are jumbled and disorganized, no energy.

All drug doses and times are the same.

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drugged

Thinking again.  Reading about trazodone and was wondering if, only after I've finished tapering the buspirone, maybe I should work on the trazodone and continue holding the venlafaxine.  That would reduce the risk of serotonin syndrome, yes?

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ChessieCat

Some things to consider when deciding which drug to taper.

 

SA suggests tapering the activating drug/s first.  However if you are taking a lot of sedating drug/s or a high dose of one, if you are feeling over sedated during the day you might want to taper a sedating drug for a little while until the day time sedation improves, and then go back to tapering the activating drug.

 

Dose - is it a high dose of the drug?

 

Side effects - check the reported side effects of each of your drugs.

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?
If you're not having an adverse reaction from the other medications, taper the most activating drug first. This is usually an antidepressant or stimulant (ADHD drug).

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drugged
On 5/8/2012 at 1:45 PM, Rhiannon said:

This is my understanding based on what I've read. When we take benzos regularly, the body fairly quickly alters its GABA system (and other benzo receptors presumably, because they don't just act on GABA) to adapt to the benzo in the body.

 

When people in studies are given benzos for anxiety, at first they experience a reduction in anxiety compared to placebo, but after a few weeks the anxiety actually begins to increase relative to placebo. At the end of the study they don't seem to be getting any actual effect from the benzos any more, as far as the anxiety is concerned, relative to placebo. Once taken off the benzo at the end of the study the anxiety skyrockets to a level higher than it was before the study began.

 

Now, admittedly this is not nearly enough information to say "benzos do nothing at all once you develop tolerance to them, which happens in a few weeks time". I don't actually know what they're doing in all the body systems they affect. There are apparently benzo receptors in every cell in the body (in the mitochondria) and all kinds of GABA involvement in regulating pretty much everything. And that's just the limited amount that I actually know about.

 

What I think I can say with some confidence, though, is that the thing they do MOST is prevent the train wreck that would happen if they were suddenly removed.

 

Agree 100% that the last thing you need when you're trying to taper an AD is an already-wrecked GABA system from benzo withdrawal. Unless there are other complicating factors, tapering the AD first makes more sense to me than tapering the benzo first.

 

I disagree with Ashton on this and a few other points. She has a great deal of experience working with benzo withdrawal and her work is immensely important. But she did most of her work in the 80's and 90's before our current understanding of neuroplasticity. I get the impression she doesn't know much about ADs and what they really do to us. She's retired now--I think she's in her 80s or so--and I suspect that if she were more actively involved in current research she would not endorse ADs at all. I could be wrong. But she's human and I don't think she's infallible.

I'm a bit confused about the concept of developing tolerance to benzos and to opiates.  I understand the concept but my personal experience seems different.  I've been on diazepam for a number of years but I haven't ever felt that I needed a higher dose to get the same level of sedation as I did initially.  I can still feel a definite effect from just one tablet.  I've found the same to be true, for me at least, of the tramadol, well, and the zolpidem.  Do some people not develop tolerance?  Looking back over my life it seems like my CNS has usually tended toward the hyper-alert end of the spectrum.  Could that have an impact on how my body responds to sedating drugs?  

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drugged
13 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Some things to consider when deciding which drug to taper.

 

SA suggests tapering the activating drug/s first.  However if you are taking a lot of sedating drug/s or a high dose of one, if you are feeling over sedated during the day you might want to taper a sedating drug for a little while until the day time sedation improves, and then go back to tapering the activating drug.

 

Dose - is it a high dose of the drug?

 

Side effects - check the reported side effects of each of your drugs.

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?
If you're not having an adverse reaction from the other medications, taper the most activating drug first. This is usually an antidepressant or stimulant (ADHD drug).

I've definitely had the worst side effects from 1) Lyrica and 2) venlafaxine.  

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drugged
On 5/21/2018 at 2:08 PM, brassmonkey said:

TACHYPHYLAXIS OR AS IT’S LOVINGLY KNOWN “POOPOUT

 (7)

 

Although acute WD and Poopout are related they are not the same thing.  Acute WD is a severe case of WD Symptoms while Poopout is the body tolerating the effects of the drug, trying to work around them, and causing WD symptoms by doing so.  The harder the body rejects the medication the more severe the symptoms. 

 

It all stems from the body being a self-correcting homeostatic organism. It's designed to work with a specific balance of neurotransmitters and will do anything in its power to maintain that balance.  Taking an AD causes some the receptors for a specific neurotransmitter to stop working which floods the body with that NT and supposedly makes us feel better because of the excess.  After a while the body finds ways around this and works to regain homeostasis.  When the struggle for control that ensues becomes acute it is known as Tachyphylaxis, or Poopout.  In order to "cure" it, there must be a clear winner, leaving two options. Updose or taper.  

 

Once Poopout has set in it is going to continue to grow worse, no matter what. To Updose would just be buying a little time. By Updosing the drug is declared the winner, the symptoms subside somewhat, and you move on, but the body continues to fight.  This could last from a few months to a year or so, but in the end, things will go down hill again and leave a person in the same or worse situation and at a higher dosage, which would require a longer taper. To hold during poopout would only prolong the struggle and might make things worse as the body continues its fight for control.

 

When it comes to Poopout the only way out it down.  If a person tapers, the body is declared the winner, repair work is started on the body and the symptoms subside.  BUT, it takes a long time to undo the physical changes the drug has made, and the presence of the drug is required to maintain those changes while the changes are being repaired. Thereby necessitating a long slow taper.

 

Tapering out of Poopout is a very frustrating process because there are no visible results for quite a long time.  There is not a lot of information available on time frames because Poopout is not a well-documented phenomenon.  Many people don’t realize that they are involved let alone how to treat it. From the information I have seen it generally takes eighteen months to two years before stabilization starts to appear. It then takes another eighteen months before improvements start to be readily apparent. Once improvements have started to appear they will increase in fits and starts and must be monitored by referring to ones WDnormal baseline.

 

 Tachyphylaxis in ADs is quite similar to the concept of “Tolerance Withdrawal” associated with Benzos.  Because of the nature in the actions of the two drugs they present in slightly different manners, but the mechanism is still the same. In cases where a person is taking both drugs the situation is complicated by effects of one drug masking the symptoms of the other.  This makes detecting true Tachyphylaxis very difficult. 

 

There is also the matter of Tachyphylaxis being confused with more common symptoms such as burn out.

 

Can an increase in AD dose (double what has been 'normal' for several years) cause tachyphylaxis?  I had been on 75 mg of velafaxine for a few years when I experienced a major life stressor in June 2019.  At that time I went to a nurse practitioner and, since I already had a supply of 75 mg capsules, say told me to take two a day instead of one, doubling the dose to 150 mg overnight.  Within 24 hours I began to feel ill with nausea, diarrhea, headache, anxiety, rapid heartbeat, increased pain, and strange sensations in my head.  When I first started venlafaxine years ago I don't recall any particular side effects other than dry mouth and eyes.  

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Altostrata

That's not tachyphylaxis, those were adverse effects from taking too much venlafaxine. 

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drugged
3 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

That's not tachyphylaxis, those were adverse effects from taking too much venlafaxine. 

Like serotonin toxicity or mild serotonin syndrome?

 

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Altostrata

Like taking too much venlafaxine. Please post questions about your particular situation in your Intro topic rather than taking other topics off-topic.

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Altostrata

It may be that you have not developed tolerance to those particular drugs.

 

However, you've added other drugs to chase symptoms, so you seem to be looking for greater effect.

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Altostrata

You don't know which drugs are causing any particular symptoms, they're all interacting.

 

From my point of view, you're taking such a hellish brew, you could probably pick any drug to taper. There's no way to predict what will happen when you pull one out of the pile. You might feel better, you might feel worse, you might not notice at all.

 

I suggested removing Buspirone because it seems you have plenty of "brakes" on board to mask any withdrawal effect, and it's a high risk in combination with the rest. You'd stop tapering venlafaxine to taper Buspirone. To be frank, it seems to me you're going to do it your way no matter what and I'm wasting my time making any suggestions.

 

So, yeah, take the next couple of years to taper venlafaxine while your body continues to struggle with your drug burden.

 

"Genetically superior liver and kidney function," LOL.

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drugged

 

6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

It may be that you have not developed tolerance to those particular drugs.

 

However, you've added other drugs to chase symptoms, so you seem to be looking for greater effect.

I haven't added any drugs at all for about 6 years.  6 years ago my doctor prescribed tramadol and Lyrica for the fibro pain.  Since then I've cut the Lyrica from 300mg/day down to 25mg/day.  Until I was advised on this forum to keep to the same doses everyday of all my drugs, I never used more tramadol, diazepam, or zolpidem than was absolutely necessary.  I often didn't take any zolpidem for months at a time and had days or weeks when I didn't take either the tramadol or the diazepam.  This morning, in fact, I didn't need to take any tramadol at all because the pain level was minimal but I took 100mg anyway to keep everything the same.

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drugged
5 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You don't know which drugs are causing any particular symptoms, they're all interacting.

 

From my point of view, you're taking such a hellish brew, you could probably pick any drug to taper. There's no way to predict what will happen when you pull one out of the pile. You might feel better, you might feel worse, you might not notice at all.

 

I suggested removing Buspirone because it seems you have plenty of "brakes" on board to mask any withdrawal effect, and it's a high risk in combination with the rest. You'd stop tapering venlafaxine to taper Buspirone. To be frank, it seems to me you're going to do it your way no matter what and I'm wasting my time making any suggestions.

 

So, yeah, take the next couple of years to taper venlafaxine while your body continues to struggle with your drug burden.

 

"Genetically superior liver and kidney function," LOL.

"Genetically superior liver and kidney function," LOL.  I said that to try and make light of my situation. 

 

Why are you so negative about everything I say and do?  I'm following all the suggestions that people on the forum have made, including yours.  You're making it sound like I, personally, am just a lost cause, a waste of time in your own words. 

 

I reached out to this forum for information, support, and a little empathy.  Apparently I came to the wrong place.   

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drugged

Seriously considering leaving this forum.  This morning isn't the first time I've ended up crying after reading responses to my thoughts and questions.  

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Altostrata

You're taking 10 drugs, 3 technically addictive, with Lyrica borderline addictive, claiming to have complex medical conditions that require these drugs.

 

This is a peer support Web site staffed by volunteers who spend hours working with people for no compensation. It's lot cheaper and easier than an addiction medicine clinic. In a just world, you'd see doctors who would dig you out of this drug mess the same way they helped you get into it. 

 

No matter what the suggestion, you have extensive rationalizations for doing it your way. For what do you want support and empathy? Sure, do it your way. The principles of tapering are the same for each drug.

 

Please take care about not taking topics off-topic with questions about your very particular situation.

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drugged
19 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

claiming to have complex medical conditions that require these drugs.

I'm just repeating what doctors have told me and trying to put it context of which drugs if any I was taking at that time.  I think what I refer to as fibro is iatrogenic damage.  Ditto for the tendon problems, the IBS, and the Raynaud's, probably the Sjogren's too. 

31 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

No matter what the suggestion, you have extensive rationalizations for doing it your way. For what do you want support and empathy? Sure, do it your way. The principles of tapering are the same for each drug.

I've  followed every single suggestion made by people in this forum.  I'm holding the venlafaxine and tapering the buspirone.  Everything else stays the same.  

Taper one drug at a time.  Taper the most activating drugs first.  Taper slowly.  

 

For what reason would any human being want support and empathy?  

 

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Rhiannon
5 hours ago, drugged said:

I'm a bit confused about the concept of developing tolerance to benzos and to opiates.  I understand the concept but my personal experience seems different.  I've been on diazepam for a number of years but I haven't ever felt that I needed a higher dose to get the same level of sedation as I did initially.  I can still feel a definite effect from just one tablet.  I've found the same to be true, for me at least, of the tramadol, well, and the zolpidem.  Do some people not develop tolerance?  Looking back over my life it seems like my CNS has usually tended toward the hyper-alert end of the spectrum.  Could that have an impact on how my body responds to sedating drugs?  

 

As far as I know everyone develops some degree of tolerance to benzodiazepines, it's just how it works. It doesn't mean you don't feel the effect of the drug any more, just that it's not having the same effect it would have if you took it by itself for the very first time ever. However, in your case, you have a pretty extensive drug history and drug burden, on multiple drugs--who knows, that's a complicated situation. Beyond my knowledge, for sure.

 

Is there a reason you've been concerned about this, or are you just generally reading and learning and asking questions as they come up? Nothing wrong with either.

 

It looks to me like you're doing everything right on this first step of this journey of many thousands of miles. If it were me I would hold the buspirone for several weeks after cutting, but Alto said it looked to her like you could probably pull it out over 2 or 3 weeks and not really notice it, and she may be right. She has a lot more experience working with other people than I do. And you are on a pretty high dose of diazepam, it's possible the sedation from that would mask any withdrawal from Buspar.

 

Meanwhile keep your daily journal of symptoms and med dosages and note any particular activities or stressors that come along. This isn't so much for us as it is for you. I found it helpful in the first few years of tapering to see what kinds of patterns emerged as I made cuts. You are your own data base and your own guide in this, unfortunately, because your med situation is so complex that it's really beyond the expertise of anyone--anyone here, or probably anyone anywhere, to be able to predict what will happen when you make any specific change. You will need to become an expert on yourself. And having it written down was especially helpful for me because of the cognitive changes caused both by the drugs and by the WD. Withdrawal, for me, always causes emotional and cognitive confusion and it becomes difficult for me to remember past states.

 

So think of this time as your information gathering time, and of yourself as your own research subject. It's helpful to keep things as regular as possible at this point so that you can more easily tease out the effects of any stressors or changes. 

 

It's going to get easier as you get the drugs down to lower doses, but that's going to take a few years. I'm sorry there's no faster or easier solution, at least not that I know of. The good news is that if you take it slow, and try to focus on improving your life and your lot in non drug ways, as you are very gradually reducing the drugs, it WILL happen. Where people get in trouble is by going too fast and then getting so desperately ill that they end up on more or different drugs. Try to avoid that. 

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drugged
1 hour ago, Rhiannon said:

 

As far as I know everyone develops some degree of tolerance to benzodiazepines, it's just how it works. It doesn't mean you don't feel the effect of the drug any more, just that it's not having the same effect it would have if you took it by itself for the very first time ever. However, in your case, you have a pretty extensive drug history and drug burden, on multiple drugs--who knows, that's a complicated situation. Beyond my knowledge, for sure.

 

Is there a reason you've been concerned about this, or are you just generally reading and learning and asking questions as they come up? Nothing wrong with either.

 

It looks to me like you're doing everything right on this first step of this journey of many thousands of miles. If it were me I would hold the buspirone for several weeks after cutting, but Alto said it looked to her like you could probably pull it out over 2 or 3 weeks and not really notice it, and she may be right. She has a lot more experience working with other people than I do. And you are on a pretty high dose of diazepam, it's possible the sedation from that would mask any withdrawal from Buspar.

 

Meanwhile keep your daily journal of symptoms and med dosages and note any particular activities or stressors that come along. This isn't so much for us as it is for you. I found it helpful in the first few years of tapering to see what kinds of patterns emerged as I made cuts. You are your own data base and your own guide in this, unfortunately, because your med situation is so complex that it's really beyond the expertise of anyone--anyone here, or probably anyone anywhere, to be able to predict what will happen when you make any specific change. You will need to become an expert on yourself. And having it written down was especially helpful for me because of the cognitive changes caused both by the drugs and by the WD. Withdrawal, for me, always causes emotional and cognitive confusion and it becomes difficult for me to remember past states.

 

So think of this time as your information gathering time, and of yourself as your own research subject. It's helpful to keep things as regular as possible at this point so that you can more easily tease out the effects of any stressors or changes. 

 

It's going to get easier as you get the drugs down to lower doses, but that's going to take a few years. I'm sorry there's no faster or easier solution, at least not that I know of. The good news is that if you take it slow, and try to focus on improving your life and your lot in non drug ways, as you are very gradually reducing the drugs, it WILL happen. Where people get in trouble is by going too fast and then getting so desperately ill that they end up on more or different drugs. Try to avoid that. 

I'm just trying to learn everything I can.  I have an almost insatiable curiousity about biological processes and how the body reacts to drugs.  It's been what has kept me going because, believe it not, there've been plenty of times I haven't wanted to go on but if I give up I'll never know how it all turns out. 

 

I admit to being terrified of serotonin syndrome and of akathisia and extreme anxiety.  I am frightened for my physical health.  All jokes aside I wonder every year if that's going to be the year my liver or kidney pack it in.  

 

I am more fragile emotionally than I'd like people to know.  I hate being that way so I try to come across as tough and knowledgable, I know that rubs people the wrong way sometimes but it's a habit from growing up in the family I had.  In reality I'm no different than anyone starting out here. 

 

 

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Rhiannon
On 9/24/2019 at 10:22 AM, drugged said:

I'm just trying to learn everything I can.  I have an almost insatiable curiousity about biological processes and how the body reacts to drugs.  It's been what has kept me going because, believe it not, there've been plenty of times I haven't wanted to go on but if I give up I'll never know how it all turns out. 

 

I admit to being terrified of serotonin syndrome and of akathisia and extreme anxiety.  I am frightened for my physical health.  All jokes aside I wonder every year if that's going to be the year my liver or kidney pack it in.  

 

I am more fragile emotionally than I'd like people to know.  I hate being that way so I try to come across as tough and knowledgable, I know that rubs people the wrong way sometimes but it's a habit from growing up in the family I had.  In reality I'm no different than anyone starting out here. 

 

 

Hi there, thinking of you. Hope you're doing okay.

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ShiningLight

Takes courage. Your honesty is inspiring. ❤️

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drugged
1 hour ago, Rhiannon said:

Hi there, thinking of you. Hope you're doing okay.

Thanks Rhi!  I've been thinking of you these past days.  Your story inspires me.

 

Actually, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm close to being off the buspirone.  I've cut the AD a tiny bit more and I been motivated enough to get out and exercise some.

 

A few days ago I got up and went about my day and didn't realize I hadn't taken (or needed to take) any tramadol!  I was getting achy but didn't take any until bedtime.  That was the day I started doing little workouts.  

 

I know there are more tough times to come but getting this window has been a Godsend.

 

Always thinking about you and I'm still using the forum to learn about AD withdrawal.  

I may be drugged but I'm not giving up.

 

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drugged
1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

Takes courage. Your honesty is inspiring. ❤️

Thank you Shining light.  💜

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Rhiannon

YAAAAY WINDOWS

Not Windows 10 however, which I hate, they are forcing us all to use it at work, grr. But I digress.

 

Anyway, yay! Keep moving forward. That toughness that you have had to build up as armor and have practiced for so long, use it to give yourself strength, but also use it, and the anger about what you've lost, as a source of strength and fuel to be extra kind and gentle and forgiving to yourself. Become a Warrior of Slack (as in, giving yourself some). 

 

That is, that's what I'm telling myself these days.

 

Another thing I am trying to do is Seize the Moment as in like, five seconds at a time. If I happen to notice that something I see or some thought I think makes me feel a moment of positive-ness, joy, optimism or whatever. Like, don't underestimate those moments, and try to find one or two a day, and give it a few seconds to really register. Whenever one happens try to really stretch myself to actually let it in and enjoy it instead of just going immediately to "well that's not going to last now, I'm going to be miserable again soon, so don't let yourself experience joy or pleasure because IT'S GOING TO END AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE IN FACT IT'S ALREADY OVER SEE EVERYTHING GOOD ENDS" (I really hope somebody else somewhere knows what I'm talking about... what can I say, had a pretty traumatic childhood, and then parts of my adulthood haven't been all that great either.)

 

Okay, I have been having a great time dispensing Rhiannon Wisdom today, but I really need to get away from this computer screen and go get started working on that bathroom that I intend to paint this week. Anybody want to come help me? No? ok then I'll do it myself.

 

🙂

 

--Rhi

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15 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

Whenever one happens try to really stretch myself to actually let it in and enjoy it instead of just going immediately to "well that's not going to last now, I'm going to be miserable again soon, so don't let yourself experience joy or pleasure because IT'S GOING TO END AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE IN FACT IT'S ALREADY OVER SEE EVERYTHING GOOD ENDS" (I really hope somebody else somewhere knows what I'm talking about... what can I say, had a pretty traumatic childhood, and then parts of my adulthood haven't been all that great either.

I understand what you're talking about.  I didn't learn much about really enjoying life when I was growing up and I haven't gotten a whole lot better as an adult but, I've attended a lot of 12 step meetings (Al-Anon or Adult Children) so I'm trying to use what I learned in those.  One of these days I'll get my butt to a local meeting and check it out.  Not all groups are healthy.  

 

Anyhow, I get where you're coming from about childhood.  

 

I think I'll pass on helping you paint your bathroom though.  😉

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Rhiannon

Hi there, just checking in. How's it going today?

Bathroom progress is slow, but there is some progress so I think I won't kick myself about it. A good friend of mine is in the hospital, admitted Monday with pneumonia, so I've been spending time visiting her. And this morning I'm going on a hike--brrrr, I don't like to get outside so early usually when it's cold, but I think it will be worth it. 

 

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On 10/2/2019 at 10:10 AM, Rhiannon said:

Hi there, just checking in. How's it going today?

Bathroom progress is slow, but there is some progress so I think I won't kick myself about it. A good friend of mine is in the hospital, admitted Monday with pneumonia, so I've been spending time visiting her. And this morning I'm going on a hike--brrrr, I don't like to get outside so early usually when it's cold, but I think it will be worth it. 

 

Things are okay.  That nice little window passed.  It lasted about 3 days.  The current wave, if you can call it that, isn't horrible really.  It's just like the plug got pulled on my motivation.  Some annoying but minor symptoms like the skin being extra-sensitive and some irritability.  

 

Another couple weeks and the buspirone will be done.  

 

I hope to be up to hiking again some day myself.  I love early mornings and chilly weather (good weather for making pots of soup).  

 

Take care Rhi!

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I didn't intentionally cut the zolpidem but the last two nights I've fallen asleep before taking the zolpidem and slept through the night.  

 

I love to lay in bed and read before going to sleep.  I was also told by my doctor to NOT to take the zolpidem until I'm ready to turn out the light and sleep.  I usually take all the bedtime drugs at the same time but occasionally physical pain is such that I take tramadol, diazepam, and trazodone 30 to 45 minutes before lights out then continue to read for a bit.  

 

The last two nights my evening pain levels were pretty bad so I went ahead and took all the drugs early except for the zolpidem but I was in the middle of a chapter of a book and wanted to finish the chapter.  As it turns out I fell asleep while reading (my husband came in later and set the book aside and turned off my light and I didn't wake up!) so I never took the zolpidem.  I slept great both nights.  Better than I have while taking the zolpidem lately.  I didn't plan this, it just happened.

 

Not taking the zolpidem out of the drug cocktail yet but thought I'd mention this as it was odd.  Like the morning I felt so good I forgot to take the tramadol.  

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Rhiannon

Hi, how is it going now? 

 

As many drugs as you're on, you might not notice a missed zolpidem dose.You're on a pretty heavy dose of diazepam so zolpidem might be a minor player in your chemical soup. I still think it's a good idea to try to keep dosages as consistent as possible though, as far as levels and the time of day you take them. It makes a better foundation for tapering.

 

Yum, winter soup! We're at that "first freeze" point of the year so soup sounds pretty appealing. I bought a rotisserie chicken a couple of days ago, maybe I'll make soup with the carcass. (Or maybe I won't. I'm not much of a cook.)

 

 

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I've been so-so.  Quite a bit of muscle and joint pain.  Brain zaps - I wasn't sure if I was having those but I do have strange sensations that seem to be from the brain itself.  I've been paying closer attention to them and I think they're probably brain zaps.  They come and go but are generally more prominent later in the day or when I'm really tired or stressed.  

 

It's been a stressful couple of weeks.  We were supposed to close on the sale of our last home October 1st but the buyer's title company kept pushing the date back.  We finally got the papers yesterday, signed and notarized them, and sent them back overnight mail.  Hopefully that puts an end to that financial drain.  Next up is signing up for a better health insurance plan so I can access counseling and physical therapy next year.  

 

I'm going to try a self-directed dialectical behavior therapy program and I'm looking at self-hypnosis audios to help me break my 60 year habit of picking at my cuticles.  It doesn't sound like much as bad habits go but there's a direct correlation between how much I pick at my cuticles and how much pain I have in my elbow, forearms and hands the next day.  

 

Not changing any of the drugs I'm taking except the buspirone.  Just had those couple of weird times when I fell asleep and forgot the zolpidem.  

 

I'm making lots of soup.  

 

Thanks for keeping in contact Rhi!

 

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Rhiannon

I finally made some (kind of mediocre but edible) chicken soup tonight. I would be more proud of myself if I hadn't spent literally something like five hours on Twitter this afternoon. On the other hand, I'm getting over a nasty bronchitis, and staying put in the warm humidified air has been good for me I think, I'm hardly coughing at all now. So probably sitting around was fine. It just might have been nice to, say, read a good book.

 

I do feel like Twitter can be an addiction. I have a hard time pulling myself away from it. I hear they actually designed it to work on our brains, on dopamine or whatever, like addictive things like gambling. I wish I could just give it up, but I love hearing from and talking to all kinds of people from all over. I live in a small rural town and have an antisocial work schedule (2 to 10 pm) so it's not easy for me to meet stimulating people. It just makes Twitter all the more appealing.

 

And earlier in the afternoon our British friends were still online, and there is a whole group of psych drug survivors and activists there that I sort of stumbled into (well, following Alto, and CEP). That was fun. 

 

Still, I wish it didn't feel so much like the pull of some kind of psychological gravity well that I can't resist. I hate that "addicted" feeling.

 

I'm thinking of adopting a couple of pet rats (I know, weird, but it actually makes sense for me I think). Maybe playing with them will keep me off so much Twitter. 

 

And why am I saying all this? Because apparently I am feeling confessional. I'm hoping you don't mind.

 

YAAARGH about your house stuff. Buying and selling houses is so stressful! and money stuff is just the worst.

 

Let me know how the DBT program goes. I had some materials for that at one time but didn't get far with them, just got busy with other things. Too much time on Twitter probably. Sigh.

 

Hugs--

Rhi

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