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Gemma92
56 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Maybe you could limit conversations with your parents to such topics as pets and weather and don't try to get them to understand your inner life or problems with psychiatric drugs. They are on another planet and don't know it.

Thank you for advice but I can't even talk about pets because it'll just make me cry

 I had such a bond with my cats and now I lost it. I hope it'll return.

I try to talk to them about other things but it's hard when I am feeling paranioid and disconnected from the world around me. Would it be better if I just told them I need to be alone for a little while? They don't live in the same house as I do. I live with my sister so I can get away from them if I need to. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Altostrata
1 minute ago, Gemma92 said:

Would it be better if I just told them I need to be alone for a little while? They don't live in the same house as I do. I live with my sister so I can get away from them if I need to.

 

Just limit your conversations with them so they don't have an opportunity to upset you.


This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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India

Your sister is a good avenue. Invest in creating a safe stabilising bond with her. In the UK we have something called the Samaritans. It’s free counselling anonymous all day everyday. Do they have a US equivalent?

This is not your fault and again your dad doesn’t understand the damage his words are causing. I get it- you need a safe environment and to be believed.  The only way I could do it was to start trying to build an island of safety. I do remember in those early days nothing would touch the fear but slowly things shifted and settled more. Any images you can use to anchor you in a safe place in your mind? 


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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India
5 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

had such a bond with my cats and now I lost it. I hope it'll return.

Keep doing it anyway. Keep stroking them. Acting as if helps . This was a good concept I was introduced to early on. 


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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India
8 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

They don't live in the same house as I do. I live with my sister so I can get away from them if I need to. 

Good news. I can’t talk to my dad too much about WD as it ends up explosive. I talk to him about nature and the weather or I rest in my room on visits home. Leaving for a walk if things get too heated.


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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Gemma92

I feel like I am half dead. It's like I am living in a dream kind of state. Everything is dull and  unclear. I see people but can't feel their presence. 

 

I think I had a very unique and special brain. I had the ability to control my dreams and pick up people's moods and almost could read their minds. I always felt negative energy and positive energy. 

Now my brain is mush and I am not unique anymore. But I wonder if that meant my brain easily adapted? So hopefully it can find its way back? Just my weird thoughts....


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Zans
9 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

You guys are right. I'll continue to post here and get the things I have bottled up inside of me out.

My dad thinks I am possessed by the devil. I am just so hurt and crushed and very angry. I am only crazy because HE was the one who threw me on more drugs and made me in to a lunatic. Getting an exorcism DID NOT fix this and my parents were only wasting the priests time. This is drug damage. And I am hanging by a thread every single day. That entire situation threw me into a huge wave. I am tired of looking at my parents faces everyday. They turned their backs on me like snakes. I have no one. I am alone in this. I think the Mirtazapine is making me worse. I remember when I first went on it. (If you read my sisters intro), it made me crazy on it with rage and that's just what I am feeling on top of all this damage from the drugs. So where do I go from here? 

During the worst of it nobody around me (including myself) knew wtf is going on. As all theories dried out it was suggested perhaps I am obssesed lol. Nex thing you know I was making confession first time after 20 years and traveling 100 miles to meet famous local exorcist. I guess it only irritated "devil" more so as soon enough I was bed ridden in agony ☺

 

Just sayin, in case you feel like alone with this.

 

As far as parents goes, my mom pushed me to psychiatrist as well but it was because of love. If you put yourself in their shoes without knowing what you know now it's possible you would of done the same. Seeing close one suffering you want to desperately help and in such moment of emotional heat it's very unlikely you would doubt in medical help.

 

You're not alone. From what I read it looks like your sister would cross Pacific ocean on wooden raft without blinking if that's what it takes. Also even though we all strangers here you have 16 people regulary following your updates. I assume they wish you'd get better as soon as possible. It's almost as you have mini fan club, people who cheer, who root for you and for that reason alone (and your sister) you can't give to much weight to suicidal urges/thougths/feelings.

 

Stay here ☺


Paroxetin 20mg, Lexatonil 3mg - 5 pills total in December 2019 - CT.

 

Coaxil12.5mg, Fluanxol 1mg, Olanzapine 5mg, Bromazepam 3mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Relanium injections, Zolpidem 10mg  full January - March 2019. CT all.

 

Finlepsin 1/4, Olanzapine 2.5mg, Relanium 5mg, Brintellix 20mg, Imovan mid April - early May 2019. CT all.

 

Brintellix 10mg 2019 May

Brintellix 5mg June - July

Brintellix 5mg August, 4.5mg September 7th - 4.6mg - 5mg ; November 21st - 4.8g December 5th - 4.6mg December 19th - 4.4mg January 3th - 4.2mg 17th - 4mg

 

 

 

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Zans
5 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I feel like I am half dead. It's like I am living in a dream kind of state. Everything is dull and  unclear. I see people but can't feel their presence. 

 

I think I had a very unique and special brain. I had the ability to control my dreams and pick up people's moods and almost could read their minds. I always felt negative energy and positive energy. 

Now my brain is mush and I am not unique anymore. But I wonder if that meant my brain easily adapted? So hopefully it can find its way back? Just my weird thoughts....

It would be very good if you'd start walking outside once your condition allows that. I deal with these things you mentioned in first paragraph and anytime I force myself to move outside I get "grounded" in my body a bit. Surreal state becomes closer to reality, colours brighten up and shapes start to get morr clear.


Paroxetin 20mg, Lexatonil 3mg - 5 pills total in December 2019 - CT.

 

Coaxil12.5mg, Fluanxol 1mg, Olanzapine 5mg, Bromazepam 3mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Relanium injections, Zolpidem 10mg  full January - March 2019. CT all.

 

Finlepsin 1/4, Olanzapine 2.5mg, Relanium 5mg, Brintellix 20mg, Imovan mid April - early May 2019. CT all.

 

Brintellix 10mg 2019 May

Brintellix 5mg June - July

Brintellix 5mg August, 4.5mg September 7th - 4.6mg - 5mg ; November 21st - 4.8g December 5th - 4.6mg December 19th - 4.4mg January 3th - 4.2mg 17th - 4mg

 

 

 

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Gemma92
10 hours ago, Zans said:

It would be very good if you'd start walking outside once your condition allows that. I deal with these things you mentioned in first paragraph and anytime I force myself to move outside I get "grounded" in my body a bit. Surreal state becomes closer to reality, colours brighten up and shapes start to get morr clear.

I am glad things are starting to look good for you! 

I am a long ways from going outside. I mean I sometimes went in the yard or on the porch but it's been really hard with it getting cold out again. But I'll try again. I know Alto mentioned to do that and I still haven't got out.

 

I am still fueling from what my parents did to me. I know you say they were only trying to help but it has been 15 months now and they still don't get it. I showed them the benzo CNN special they had in October. What more do they want as proof? I bet if God came down here right now and told them what happened to me, they still wouldn't get it. They believe something is wrong with me but NOT that something did this to me. 

 

How long did it take you to start stabalizing or feeling better? I need to check out your thread. I might have before but my brain is so bad that I can't remember much anymore.

 

Thanks for the help.


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92
11 hours ago, Zans said:

During the worst of it nobody around me (including myself) knew wtf is going on. As all theories dried out it was suggested perhaps I am obssesed lol. Nex thing you know I was making confession first time after 20 years and traveling 100 miles to meet famous local exorcist. I guess it only irritated "devil" more so as soon enough I was bed ridden in agony ☺

 

Just sayin, in case you feel like alone with this.

 

As far as parents goes, my mom pushed me to psychiatrist as well but it was because of love. If you put yourself in their shoes without knowing what you know now it's possible you would of done the same. Seeing close one suffering you want to desperately help and in such moment of emotional heat it's very unlikely you would doubt in medical help.

 

You're not alone. From what I read it looks like your sister would cross Pacific ocean on wooden raft without blinking if that's what it takes. Also even though we all strangers here you have 16 people regulary following your updates. I assume they wish you'd get better as soon as possible. It's almost as you have mini fan club, people who cheer, who root for you and for that reason alone (and your sister) you can't give to much weight to suicidal urges/thougths/feelings.

 

Stay here ☺

Thank you, I'm glad I am not alone. I'm sorry you had to go through the demon thing too. 

 

How long were you on Zyprexa for? And how long did it take you to start improving?


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

wow, I am repeating myself a lot. I am so sorry. I can't remember anything that I have written minutes before. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Cocopuffz17
49 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

wow, I am repeating myself a lot. I am so sorry. I can't remember anything that I have written minutes before. 

No worries. It’s all part of coming off these drugs. I remember it being sooo tough. Mine has gotten way better. Yours well as well! 


I follow The Plant Paradox lifestyle by Dr.Gundry. This lifestyle has given me my life back and I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. It has enabled me to finally get off of this medication and truly live my life. Nutrition is the key to health!!!!! 

 

2008 to 2019  - 20 mg Paroxetine

 

Attempted 2 CT's around the 5-6 year mark. Were absolutely terrible and reinstated. Was never explained by the doctor the seriousness of the short half life of this drug. 

 

2017 - Attempted a tapered discontinuation of this drug and reinstated after being unsuccessful.

 

2019 - Feb. 12 - After a three month taper I am off of paroxetine. The 3 months were terrible, awful withdrawal feelings. I followed the doctors guidelines for the reduction of this drug and now know it was way too fast. 
 

2019 - Oct. 12 - 8 months off paroxetine. 75% improvement since coming off the drug. Definitely have had tons of challenges along the way. Let’s go!!!! 

 

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

No worries. It’s all part of coming off these drugs. I remember it being sooo tough. Mine has gotten way better. Yours well as well! 

Thank you for the support. I really hope you're right. I have been kindled and polydrugged for so long that I am just losing all hope. And who knows if I can even get stable on Mirtazapine. 😭


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

Guys I am getting worse. I am becomming more brain dead and lifeless. Alls what I do is beg God to take me as I can't edure this another minute. My symptoms have gotten much worse since I drastically cut the pill. I am just giving myself more and more brain damage. I am stuck in full blown terror, paranoia, agoraphobia, anhedonia and I have suicidal thoughts 24/7 even when I am alseep and dreaming. 

I also have full body numbness. I lost my sense of taste, smell and I no longer react to loud sounds even with what a normal person would do. I no longer get adrenal surges from sounds. Possibly because my body is already as high as it can go in flight mode? My brain feels numb and it feels like a bruise. I haven't been eatint very well but still eat healthy when I can. I lost 7 pounds already. 

 

I want to keep fighting but the urges to give up are always with me. It was a mistake to taper again when I did. I have been holding on the 11mg for a month now. I hope things do settle down and then I start to heal. I have been messing with my brain for over a year now. I just want to go out in the woods and find a place where I can just curl up and stay away from the world. 

 

I'm sorry for always giving bad news. I used to have a couple partial windows before I started cutting from the 15mg. Do you think I blew it from going to the 11mg? I get no windows anymore. 

 

Lexapro 10-20mg CT after 2 months.

-Effexor for 5 days.

-Lexapro 5mg CT after a month. 

-Ativan for 2 weeks CT

-Mirtazapine 15mg for 6 days

-Zyprexa 2.5-5mg-2.5mg.   

 -Mirtazapine started up at 7.5mg and went to 15 then 30 then back down to 15 after 2 months. currently on11mg

 

I was also on 5 different antibiotics. 

 

I am so scared for my life. Are we allowed to show pictures in the groups here? I would show you guys how deathly ill I look. 

 

 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

I forgot to mention that the only symptom that isn't as bad is the burning brain. However, it still burns just not intense but my face burns now too. Sometimes the left side and sometimes the right. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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India
22 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I feel like I am half dead. It's like I am living in a dream kind of state. Everything is dull and  unclear. I see people but can't feel their presence. 

 

I think I had a very unique and special brain. I had the ability to control my dreams and pick up people's moods and almost could read their minds. I always felt negative energy and positive energy. 

Now my brain is mush and I am not unique anymore. But I wonder if that meant my brain easily adapted? So hopefully it can find its way back? Just my weird thoughts....

Gemma.i felt this too and back in waves I feel it again. There will be windows. It is therapeutic to speak your truth in my view. Let it all out somewhere where it is protected , including your anger. 


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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India
2 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Guys I am getting worse. I am becomming more brain dead and lifeless. Alls what I do is beg God to take me as I can't edure this another minute. My symptoms have gotten much worse since I drastically cut the pill. I am just giving myself more and more brain damage. I am stuck in full blown terror, paranoia, agoraphobia, anhedonia and I have suicidal thoughts 24/7 even when I am alseep and dreaming. 

I also have full body numbness. I lost my sense of taste, smell and I no longer react to loud sounds even with what a normal person would do. I no longer get adrenal surges from sounds. Possibly because my body is already as high as it can go in flight mode? My brain feels numb and it feels like a bruise. I haven't been eatint very well but still eat healthy when I can. I lost 7 pounds already. 

 

I want to keep fighting but the urges to give up are always with me. It was a mistake to taper again when I did. I have been holding on the 11mg for a month now. I hope things do settle down and then I start to heal. I have been messing with my brain for over a year now. I just want to go out in the woods and find a place where I can just curl up and stay away from the world. 

 

I'm sorry for always giving bad news. I used to have a couple partial windows before I started cutting from the 15mg. Do you think I blew it from going to the 11mg? I get no windows anymore. 

 

Lexapro 10-20mg CT after 2 months.

-Effexor for 5 days.

-Lexapro 5mg CT after a month. 

-Ativan for 2 weeks CT

-Mirtazapine 15mg for 6 days

-Zyprexa 2.5-5mg-2.5mg.   

 -Mirtazapine started up at 7.5mg and went to 15 then 30 then back down to 15 after 2 months. currently on11mg

 

I was also on 5 different antibiotics. 

 

I am so scared for my life. Are we allowed to show pictures in the groups here? I would show you guys how deathly ill I look. 

 

 

@Gemma92 yes , you are fighting for your life. This is the hardest battle of your life but you have to stay alive to see your recovery which will happen..

all the symptoms are withdrawal/neurological and many ppl have healed. The intensity will become less. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Forza, forza Gemma. Means strength in Italian.

 

After a cut symptoms are severe again but they then stabilise. 

 

Be kind to yourself. 


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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Gemma92

@India Thank you for always keeping me going. I just hope I didn't do too much damage with all the drug changes I did in the past 15 months. I hope losing my taste and smell is not a bad sign. 

 

I am so scared. I have no life in me. I feel like I may be in a ursing home or state hospital with how disabled I am. 😢


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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India

@Gemma92 like @Erell says I give you my hand. I am struggling in a wave and can hardly see this screen due to vision stuff. Windows will come. I had a little tiny one today- I wrote a poem.


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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icerose87

I’m Gemma’s sister.

 

I don’t know what happened, but Gemma suddenly doesn’t want to try anymore. I can’t talk her out of it. I’ve been trying to convince her for a year that she will heal, but she doesn’t believe me. Please post your best healing stories. She likes people who are severely kindled short term users with psychotic symptoms.

 

Thank you. Please pray she will keep fighting.

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Albin

I will try to talk with her again icerose87. There is much hope for her.

Immense suffering means in my opinion a good chance for healing.


2018: 17 December 1 pill Lexapro 10mg, 22-26 december 10 mg Olanzapine. Imovane 10 mg between December-March. 2019: Injection cicordinol in February. 

 

Supplements taken during December-Januari (2018-2019).

Gotu Kola, Mucuna Pruriens, Magnesium, Zinc, Curcummin, Omega 3, K2, D3

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Zans
On Wednesday, October 30, 2019 at 8:09 PM, Gemma92 said:

Thank you, I'm glad I am not alone. I'm sorry you had to go through the demon thing too. 

 

How long were you on Zyprexa for? And how long did it take you to start improving?

I'd say good half a year before I got hope back. Before that I thought being veggie is my future. There was period where due severe disorientation I had to cling to my moms hand. I simply couldn't grasp well where I am at.

 

I took Zyprexa for month. Then I looked at instruction for what it is and saw psychosis. I quit immediately but after some time I got back for couple weeks again. So 6 weeks total.

 

Today I feel pretty "normal". More normal then during my first window (6 month in). So total 11 months passed.

 

Hang in, sooner or later you'll be giving support and advice for those who'll be in your shoes.


Paroxetin 20mg, Lexatonil 3mg - 5 pills total in December 2019 - CT.

 

Coaxil12.5mg, Fluanxol 1mg, Olanzapine 5mg, Bromazepam 3mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Relanium injections, Zolpidem 10mg  full January - March 2019. CT all.

 

Finlepsin 1/4, Olanzapine 2.5mg, Relanium 5mg, Brintellix 20mg, Imovan mid April - early May 2019. CT all.

 

Brintellix 10mg 2019 May

Brintellix 5mg June - July

Brintellix 5mg August, 4.5mg September 7th - 4.6mg - 5mg ; November 21st - 4.8g December 5th - 4.6mg December 19th - 4.4mg January 3th - 4.2mg 17th - 4mg

 

 

 

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Gemma92

Thanks @Zans 

I hope I get my first window in the next 6 months. I am happy to see that you were able to feel better while still on a drug. 

Did you ever lose your taste or smell? If so, did it come back yet? Sorry for all the questions. 

 

Everyday I want to give up but coming here on this forum and talking to others who have been through this hell and have made it to the other side, gives me so much hope. Even if I am the worst case. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92
7 hours ago, Albin said:

I will try to talk with her again icerose87. There is much hope for her.

Immense suffering means in my opinion a good chance for healing.

Thanks for the help today! I appreciate everything you have done for me. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Zans
11 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Thanks @Zans 

I hope I get my first window in the next 6 months. I am happy to see that you were able to feel better while still on a drug. 

Did you ever lose your taste or smell? If so, did it come back yet? Sorry for all the questions. 

 

Everyday I want to give up but coming here on this forum and talking to others who have been through this hell and have made it to the other side, gives me so much hope. Even if I am the worst case. 

I really doubt you're worst case. I don't know where India keeps digging these cool survival stories from but clearly people had worse records and lived to tell the story. I thought I suffer more then others also and maybe I was right. For the time being. So even if yours suffering is at the top of leaderboards currently it is also for the time being. Just that time being feels like eternity once you are hurting.

 

I lost my smell long time ago. It's not drug related although WD injured nervous system which controls breathing. And now I hyperventilate (breath through mouth) and my nose gets blocked so I only have memories left how grass after rain suppose to smell ☺ I don't have much taste currently either but I do remember how this summer it felt so epic to eat fresh watermelon ha ha. So it comes and goes. 

 

Yeah, once you know the road it's easier to travel. That's why it's good that you come here. Don't bottle it up inside alone, let it out all.


Paroxetin 20mg, Lexatonil 3mg - 5 pills total in December 2019 - CT.

 

Coaxil12.5mg, Fluanxol 1mg, Olanzapine 5mg, Bromazepam 3mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Relanium injections, Zolpidem 10mg  full January - March 2019. CT all.

 

Finlepsin 1/4, Olanzapine 2.5mg, Relanium 5mg, Brintellix 20mg, Imovan mid April - early May 2019. CT all.

 

Brintellix 10mg 2019 May

Brintellix 5mg June - July

Brintellix 5mg August, 4.5mg September 7th - 4.6mg - 5mg ; November 21st - 4.8g December 5th - 4.6mg December 19th - 4.4mg January 3th - 4.2mg 17th - 4mg

 

 

 

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Gemma92
On 11/1/2019 at 3:21 PM, Zans said:

I really doubt you're worst case. I don't know where India keeps digging these cool survival stories from but clearly people had worse records and lived to tell the story. I thought I suffer more then others also and maybe I was right. For the time being. So even if yours suffering is at the top of leaderboards currently it is also for the time being. Just that time being feels like eternity once you are hurting.

 

I lost my smell long time ago. It's not drug related although WD injured nervous system which controls breathing. And now I hyperventilate (breath through mouth) and my nose gets blocked so I only have memories left how grass after rain suppose to smell ☺ I don't have much taste currently either but I do remember how this summer it felt so epic to eat fresh watermelon ha ha. So it comes and goes. 

 

Yeah, once you know the road it's easier to travel. That's why it's good that you come here. Don't bottle it up inside alone, let it out all.

Yeah, India does a good job with helping me with all the things she tags me in!

 

Thanks for alwas answering my questions! I'm sorry younhad that problem before withdrawal even hit! 

 

Thank you, I'll try to keep everyone updated. I want to come on here and be like, "GUYS I HAD A WINDOW!" But I am far from evem having a partial window. Is it normal tha my symptoms have been the same and do not cycle at all? I have felt the same maybe worse for 8 months now that I lost smell and taste. That worries. It doesn't feel like my brain is working on anything. I hope this hold does something for me. The longest I held was for 3 months. These suicidal thoughts are so bad! I feel so derranged!


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

When I hear loud noises, my brain is so dead that I don't get adrenal spikes anymore.  I am stuck in psychotic terror and paranoia 24/7 so you'd think noises would do something. its like the sound waves aren't properly working into my brain and they don't signal a response back. Its so hard to explain. But it makes me feel brain dead. Anyone else experienced or is experiencng this?

 

I also feel more and more anhedonic everyday. It feels like my brain is wrapped up in plastic or turned off. I feel lile a zombie. Should have been one for Halloween....


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

We are the modern day Lepers. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

The terror is getting worse. I hope it calms down soon. I regret cutting the Mirtazapine so fast. I hope I didn't set myself back months.


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

 I'm starting to get the movement akathisa. My legs are very restless and have terror shooting down them. I can't sleep because of this. Things are continuing to get worse. I had to get up and walk around but my entire body continues to have terror running through it. I feel like I am surrounded by demons in hell. In fact, it feels worse than hell.

 I had organic coconut tea tonight. Not sure if that has something to do with it or if it's just the cuts still hitting me. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Zans
On Sunday, November 03, 2019 at 12:18 AM, Gemma92 said:

Yeah, India does a good job with helping me with all the things she tags me in!

 

Thanks for alwas answering my questions! I'm sorry younhad that problem before withdrawal even hit! 

 

Thank you, I'll try to keep everyone updated. I want to come on here and be like, "GUYS I HAD A WINDOW!" But I am far from evem having a partial window. Is it normal tha my symptoms have been the same and do not cycle at all? I have felt the same maybe worse for 8 months now that I lost smell and taste. That worries. It doesn't feel like my brain is working on anything. I hope this hold does something for me. The longest I held was for 3 months. These suicidal thoughts are so bad! I feel so derranged!

I don't know if stationary symptoms are normal but I would take that over them changing. Supposedly there are about 60 symptoms during WD, some of them really nasty. I think Alto mentioned she experienced just about everyone. 

 

Suicidal thougths obviously no fun but for me suicidal feelings were/are way worse. At their peak it's such a horrible feeling that I'd rather take some sort of persistent physical pain. At one point I had such condition that anytime I'd think about suicide my body would react with slight relief. Like it was agreeing or some ****. Really scary.

 

 

 

 


Paroxetin 20mg, Lexatonil 3mg - 5 pills total in December 2019 - CT.

 

Coaxil12.5mg, Fluanxol 1mg, Olanzapine 5mg, Bromazepam 3mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Relanium injections, Zolpidem 10mg  full January - March 2019. CT all.

 

Finlepsin 1/4, Olanzapine 2.5mg, Relanium 5mg, Brintellix 20mg, Imovan mid April - early May 2019. CT all.

 

Brintellix 10mg 2019 May

Brintellix 5mg June - July

Brintellix 5mg August, 4.5mg September 7th - 4.6mg - 5mg ; November 21st - 4.8g December 5th - 4.6mg December 19th - 4.4mg January 3th - 4.2mg 17th - 4mg

 

 

 

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Gemma92
5 hours ago, Zans said:

I don't know if stationary symptoms are normal but I would take that over them changing. Supposedly there are about 60 symptoms during WD, some of them really nasty. I think Alto mentioned she experienced just about everyone. 

 

Suicidal thougths obviously no fun but for me suicidal feelings were/are way worse. At their peak it's such a horrible feeling that I'd rather take some sort of persistent physical pain. At one point I had such condition that anytime I'd think about suicide my body would react with slight relief. Like it was agreeing or some ****. Really scary.

 

 

 

 

I have the suicidal urges too. I agree they are are worse than the thoughts. I just have a need to relieve myself from the suffering. 

My symptoms used to cycle. That's how I knew I was going to be okay aand because they came with some windows. Now ever since I was poisoned and forced on more drugs, my symptoms stay the same and never leave. They only grow in intensity. 😔 I can't take much more of it. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Zans
36 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

I have the suicidal urges too. I agree they are are worse than the thoughts. I just have a need to relieve myself from the suffering. 

My symptoms used to cycle. That's how I knew I was going to be okay aand because they came with some windows. Now ever since I was poisoned and forced on more drugs, my symptoms stay the same and never leave. They only grow in intensity. 😔 I can't take much more of it. 

During such heat what helped me was accidentally stumbling on reincarnation. I am not immersed in it now but back then I wanted to find answer why such hell. According to these teachings each soul picks life lesson pre birth. It might be rock star or homeless crack addict. Experience big time fortune or complete humiliation. Suicide would not be an option because lesson would not be digested and you'd have to go trough similar life again. 

 

I know it's not the most factual data but it occupied me during suffering. Perhaps if you have energy to read you could take a look at it for fun (and yes I know fun is a dead word these days for you). Might resonate with you as well. 

 

You will make it, just trust in time. Time is best M.D out there.


Paroxetin 20mg, Lexatonil 3mg - 5 pills total in December 2019 - CT.

 

Coaxil12.5mg, Fluanxol 1mg, Olanzapine 5mg, Bromazepam 3mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Relanium injections, Zolpidem 10mg  full January - March 2019. CT all.

 

Finlepsin 1/4, Olanzapine 2.5mg, Relanium 5mg, Brintellix 20mg, Imovan mid April - early May 2019. CT all.

 

Brintellix 10mg 2019 May

Brintellix 5mg June - July

Brintellix 5mg August, 4.5mg September 7th - 4.6mg - 5mg ; November 21st - 4.8g December 5th - 4.6mg December 19th - 4.4mg January 3th - 4.2mg 17th - 4mg

 

 

 

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icerose87

Gemma’s sister again...

 

Is there any way I can help Gemma survive this?  I really think she has some form of akathisia. She is in constant mental torment to an unimaginable degree. I really don’t think many people here experience her level of suffering. 

 

She’s been on an organic, paleo diet for about a month. She’s been attempting to meditate and distract herself, but today is a really bad day. 

 

We’re running out of time. How is it even possible that there exists something so horrendous that there is no relief or help for??!!

 

What can I do??

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India
1 hour ago, icerose87 said:

Gemma’s sister again...

 

Is there any way I can help Gemma survive this?  I really think she has some form of akathisia. She is in constant mental torment to an unimaginable degree. I really don’t think many people here experience her level of suffering. 

 

She’s been on an organic, paleo diet for about a month. She’s been attempting to meditate and distract herself, but today is a really bad day. 

 

We’re running out of time. How is it even possible that there exists something so horrendous that there is no relief or help for??!!

 

What can I do??

Can you talk to some of the akathisia sufferers on YouTube that recovered? I saw some severe cases. 

Can you try to use massage to soothe. Akathisia is a terrible symptom. I can feel how much Gemma is suffering and I feel your pain too. No one doubts how severe it is. 

Is she sleeping?

 

i would like to see what other members suggest.

 

i would like to write more but I am going through a wave myself. 


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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composter
On 10/30/2019 at 1:30 PM, Gemma92 said:

'm sorry for always giving bad news. I used to have a couple partial windows before I started cutting from the 15mg. Do you think I blew it from going to the 11mg? I get no windows anymore. 

 

Lexapro 10-20mg CT after 2 months.

-Effexor for 5 days.

-Lexapro 5mg CT after a month. 

-Ativan for 2 weeks CT

-Mirtazapine 15mg for 6 days

-Zyprexa 2.5-5mg-2.5mg.   

 -Mirtazapine started up at 7.5mg and went to 15 then 30 then back down to 15 after 2 months. currently on11mg

 

I think it would be useful for mods to review Gemma's history and let us know if perhaps a small updose would help in her case. She doesn't seem to be having any windows after making cuts from 15 to 11 mg in the last few months. (Unclear on the exact timeline for these cuts, but it does seem quicker than the 10% rate, @Gemma92 can you provide more detail on the timeline?) Gemma - a long hold of several months would probably be the best option, short of considering an updose of 1-3 mg to try to stabilize and get windows. Hopefully we can get some mods to chime in on this. And when you do reduce your dose, stick to the 10% rule advocated here or consider going even slower, like 5% per month or a Brassmonkey slide.

 

On 11/4/2019 at 5:07 PM, icerose87 said:

Is there any way I can help Gemma survive this?  I really think she has some form of akathisia. She is in constant mental torment to an unimaginable degree. I really don’t think many people here experience her level of suffering. 

 

She’s been on an organic, paleo diet for about a month. She’s been attempting to meditate and distract herself, but today is a really bad day. 

 

We’re running out of time. How is it even possible that there exists something so horrendous that there is no relief or help for??!!

 

What can I do??

 

Sister, thank you for advocating for her and seeking help. Perhaps you would find it helpful to make an appointment with a doctor in your area who would be familiar with withdrawal, and can maybe provide some reassurance. Have you tried this yet? See the Mad in America provider directory (https://www.madinamerica.com/provider-directory/) or the thread on SA below:

 

Other than that, continue on with creating a supportive environment: Walking and gentle movement like yoga or light dancing. Soothing music, candlelight, activities like puzzles or simple board games. Storytelling, sketching, crocheting, reading books aloud -- things that can occupy the mind and hands to distract from difficult thoughts.

 

The brain is incredibly resilient and will heal, given time, time, and more time. Those of us who go through this pull through some of the darkest nights and darkest thoughts/urges the human body could ever experience. We've been there, and yes it could be possible that your case is extremely agonizing. Hold on. You are still you--you haven't lost your personality or your soul or spirit to these drugs. None of us do. You will regain your peace. You will regain your abilities. We stand with you.


Apr 2018 - 10 mg Amitriptyline (Rx’d by neurologist for headaches & insomnia)

Jul + Aug 2018 - Reduced to 5 mg in July and then 2.5 mg in Aug (was too fast, hellish withdrawal at 2 weeks on 2.5 mg)

Sept 2018 - reinstated 10 mg Amitriptyline (emotional symptoms improved immediately, physical symptoms improved over time)

Oct 2018 - updosed to 11 mg Amitriptyline (compounded pills)

Stabilized in Apr 2019 (had 2 waves while stabilizing).

Began taper at rate of ~0.2 mg per month with liquid/dissolved taper. Current (Aug 2020) 5.3 mg.

 

Supplements: Omega-3 fish oil, Vit B12, coenzyme Q10, Hawthorn extract (for tachycardia)

Tools for insomnia/waves (as needed) : Epsom salt foot soaks, 0.5 mg Melatonin, quality time with supportive friends/family, remembering waves WILL PASS.

Lifestyle: Eat real foods, mostly plants; daily walking (30 min); track symptoms when needed on paper (adapted Glenmullen chart)

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