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Alice1
1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

Can people really heal after kindling on 9 psych drugs,

 Laura Delano , Matt Samet , Monica Cassani (GiaK) , Russel B , Paul's story , Petunia , and so many others .. They all took years though . some are not quite there yet , but very very close . 

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Alice1

Keep in mind Gem , All these people were drugged for years . You are young and you've had very very short exposures .. 

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Gemma92

Thank you @Alice1 I just read Matt Samet's story. I am glad he ended up healing! He suffered a lot. It gives me a lot of hope for myself! 

And that's true that I was only drugged for a short time vs all the people you listed. It gives me hope. 

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Gemma92

Okay so I have some new symptoms that are just appearing. And ones that are worse. 

My entire body has a sweet kind of toxic smell to it, especially my hands. I had this a little before but now it's even worse. It's like I just bathed in toxic filth. It's really coming through my pores so strong. I don't remember if it started before or after the diet change. I hope it's not diabetes. I lost 10 pounds on this new diet and not overweight.

 

I also had the hiccups for hours. Not sure if this is unrelated or a sign of CNS damage. I've never had hiccups for that long before or else I wouldn't be concerned. 

 

I feel so sick. Sick like toxins are running through me every minute. My brain continues to burn and it seems like it only gets worse. 

 

My mornings are actually better than my nights. My nights are pure torure. I get restless legs/akathisia and feel so brain dead and have major DP/DR. 

 

I feel like I am being poisoned with the Mirtazapine (I take at 10:30 pm) since my nights are worse than the mornings but I know I can't get off of it just yet.

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Gemma92

If my issue is more of an adverse reaction one rather than withdrawal, can I still stabalize on Mirtazapine? I think I had both withdrawal and adverse effects. I think the antibiotics played a big role in this because I had a reaction hours after I took the first Penicillin pill. And the Z-pack did the exact same thing.

 

Can I really heal after being damaged from 5 antibiotics and 9 pysch drugs AND sterioids? 😢 All of that happened in about a year and then in year 2 I have been playing around with my Mirtazapine dose. It feels like my brain has toxins running through it. Well....it does but I am worried about neurotoxicity. 

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Gemma92

Hello, @Johni I'm very sick. Thank you for stopping by my thread. I hope you're doing okay with your withdrawal. Hang in there. 

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Gemma92

The toxic smell on my skin died down today. I guess that's a plus...😒

Right now I have constant psychotic fears, suicidal thoughts/urges and the massive anhedonia which I have NONSTOP. I never feel like myself because of it. And the burning brain gets bad at night. My symptoms are worse at night in fact. And ever since adding those last two toxins, I haven't had 1 full window. My last full window was over a year ago. Pretty sad that I have been suffering nonstop for that long. Everyone in these groups talk about windows lasting hours, days or even weeks. I have 0 and my waves last forever. I have seen this in a lot of kindled people.

 

The only positive thing I can say is that I can sleep a little more deeply. I have a lot of dreams where I am myself which is weird. But I am sure that will be ruined too once I'm off Mirtazapine. I never wanted that drug. I am suffering because of the choices others have made for me. I was abused in so many ways and all these people are walking around freely without thinking twice about what they did to another human being. Makes me sick. Nobody cares until their the ones who have to suffer. 

 

I'm still on a good diet. I haven't had any sugar for over a month now. Still holding on the 11mg.

I'm still pretty much bedbound. I have no concept of time so I just lay in bed and stare into space for the entire day while suffering psychologically. The only thing I look foward to is sleep so I don't have to remember how crippled I am. 

 

I'll keep going. 

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Johni

I have paid attention to your topic. I have recently started reducing and thank you, I'm making good progress. Do you manage to distract your attention from the symptoms?

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India

@Gemma92 This is the first step on the path to self-determination. You have been through so much - like you say powerlessness in the face of having things thrust on you. It’s terrible you have to suffer , terrible. It’s ok to let the fury out. You have a had a double major injury: the meds and the trauma of it but you will get through. It reminds me of @withhopeinmyheart who thought she wouldn’t be able to get over the trauma of it and she did progress..

 

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Gemma92
28 minutes ago, Johni said:

I have paid attention to your topic. I have recently started reducing and thank you, I'm making good progress. Do you manage to distract your attention from the symptoms?

I'm glad you're making good progress! 

 

I don't have many distractions but sometimes I force myself to play video games or take a bath just to get my mind out of a loop. 

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Gemma92
26 minutes ago, India said:

@Gemma92 This is the first step on the path to self-determination. You have been through so much - like you say powerlessness in the face of having things thrust on you. It’s terrible you have to suffer , terrible. It’s ok to let the fury out. You have a had a double major injury: the meds and the trauma of it but you will get through. It reminds me of @withhopeinmyheart who thought she wouldn’t be able to get over the trauma of it and she did progress..

 

Thank you, India. ❤

 

 I just checked withhopeinmyheart's thread. It seems Lexapro is one of the drugs that's causing most of the problems for people. What a nasty drug it is. I am glad she is doing better. I'll probably go to therapy to deal with the trauma once or if my brain heals. 

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Gemma92

Thanks for the video on Laura Delano, @India Very interesting!

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Gemma92

https://psychdiagnosis.weebly.com/m-story.html

 

I really wish I knew how this woman was doing now. This is a case that reminds me of myself but this woman went through WAY WORSE than I did. But our time frame is about the same. 8 months of damage. She was put on 35 drugs and had ECT treatment after being in an undiagnosed Ativan withdrawal. 😞

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India
21 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

https://psychdiagnosis.weebly.com/m-story.html

 

I really wish I knew how this woman was doing now. This is a case that reminds me of myself but this woman went through WAY WORSE than I did. But our time frame is about the same. 8 months of damage. She was put on 35 drugs and had ECT treatment after being in an undiagnosed Ativan withdrawal. 😞

Let's try to find out if we can find out. The psych drug WD online communities might have knowledge as most of use these boards for support.

Did you find any contact details for her?

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Alice1

@Gemma92 you might want to consider just focusing on your own recovery.  I would refer back to Altos post last week and concentrate on moving forward. Neurons that fire together, wire together. It’s a two way street.  

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, India said:

Let's try to find out if we can find out. The psych drug WD online communities might have knowledge as most of use these boards for support.

Did you find any contact details for her?

No, I haven't. 😢

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Gemma92
5 minutes ago, Alice1 said:

@Gemma92 you might want to consider just focusing on your own recovery.  I would refer back to Altos post last week and concentrate on moving forward. Neurons that fire together, wire together. It’s a two way street.  

I like reading about other horror stories because I am one myself. They actually help me somewhat, especially if there's a happy ending. But I know I can become obsessed and start to compare myself with them too much.

 

I forget a lot of things people tell me here because of my brain. So forgive me if I'm ever repetitive or ranting on about something. 

 

Alto is right about that and I know I have to move on but it's so hard not knowing the future. 

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Alice1

@Gemma92 I completely understand. However I still would like to encourage you to “Create your future” rather than knowing the future. Your CNS is very very fragile and you want to keep stress to an absolute minimum. Obsessing, and over analyzing creates a tremendous amount of stress. Plus , I have to be honest. Some horror stories do not have happy endings , and that creates a tremendous amount of fear which is the strongest stressor you could possibly subject your nervous system to.  I do not believe you’re a horror story.  You’re young , you have support , I’m guessing you don’t have too many responsibilities ( kids , mortgage , etc) , and your short exposures. I’ve seen far far worse.  Give yourself some credit.  You’re going to be fine.  

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Gemma92

Thank you, @Alice1 I am glad I have my age on my side. Thank you for not thinking I am a horror story. You give me so much hope!

That's true I didn't have long exposures to the past drugs but I could have had a lot of adverse reactions and who knows how long I'll be exposed to this Mirtazapine. I hope I can stabilize on it and then get off of asap. It's a terrible drug. A giant antihistamine. 😢 I don't think I'd even be even worrying this much if I wasn't on it still. I am worried it's damaging me.

 

When I dream at night, I am doing normal things and forget I am sick sometimes. I hope that helps fire those neurons together. Now being able to do things like that while awake is going to be tough to do. I try to play video games and solve puzzles. But I do that excessive worrying a lot more. It's so hard to retrain my brain.

 

I hope you're doing well in recovery. I'm sorry you have to deal with that Lexapro too.   

 

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India

I have a success story to send to you. I don’t have permission to post it here and there’s no way of attaching it to IM so if you send me your email I will forward the screen shots of it. Stories helped me too. Also important to focus on your healing and to “create your future” as Alice says. I think those entities can both exist. 

Btw, I’ve found nature to be the most healing thing!

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Gemma92

Todays symptoms:

-Anhedonia

-Suicidal thoughts/urges

-DP/DR

-Terror

-Paranoia

-Rage

-No concept of time

-Numb body

-No taste or smell

 

I know the Mirtazapine is adding to the suicidal thoughts because I got suicidal immediately after being forced on it. I grabbed a knife and went crazy last December. But what can I do? I can't just stop it or I'll damage my brain even more than I already have. I have had so many drug changes that they can't all fit in my drug signature. I just want to love again. I want to feel human. My body feels so gross. It's so numb and feels poisoned with toxins. I am so sensitive to these drugs and just so damaged. 

 

I appreciate everyone on here helping me, I really do. But I am just deteriorating... I have an urge to just wash these disgusting psychotic feelings away. 

 

And my family is guessing on when I will heal. Some said 1 year and others said 2 years. Like seriously, I have been poisoning myself for 1.5 years and still on a drug. It's going to take YEARS for healing after going through what I went through. If I can even heal...

 

Sorry for always being so negative. I just need to rant.

 

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Gemma92

Just 1 window is all I ask for. Just 1. Then I'll shut up. Or maybe a partial will be enough. Come on brain. Don't give up on me. 😔

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Leo1983

TIME! 😊

 

It will happen.

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Gemma92

I know why I am one of the worst cases. I had a series of adverse reactions to antibiotics all throughout this mess. I was polydrugged on 5 drugs at once at one point. My brain is destroyed. I won't ever stabilize. I had too many changes, drugs and antibiotic damage. I was even put on steroids at one point. I am just giving up all hope. 

I read an article where someone was in an Effexor withdrawal and took an antibiotic and had an immediate adverse reaction. He is not healing years later.

I did the same thing but did even more damage than he did. A burning brain is a very bad sign and I have it. 

 

I know my exposures were short but it's not the timr I was on the drugs, it's the amount I was on and the reactions they gave me.

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icerose87

Gemma keeps reading horror stories that are nothing like her and she is freaking herself out. I do the best I can to keep her positive, but what do you suggest I do to give her more hope? She gets into a very bad place when she reads horror stories.

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Alice1
On 11/8/2019 at 1:46 PM, Altostrata said:

What we see here is that people very, very gradual recover. Their nervous systems settle down. You can help yours along a bit by eating healthy food, getting as much gentle exercise as you can tolerate, and not spiralling into doomy thoughts. The last is your great challenge, many of your posts show you worrying and working up your anxiety over stuff you don't have to worry about.

 

On 10/21/2019 at 12:45 PM, Altostrata said:

 

On 10/24/2019 at 6:27 PM, Altostrata said:

I wouldn't call it "psychotic fears," it's your interpretation of your iatrogenic symptoms and your beliefs about yourself, which you could change if you want. Yes, you feel awful, but you're adding the dire interpretation. Think of yourself as having had a drug accident rather than having been punished for being bad.

 

How can you work out this anger and rage? Can you get out and take walks? That would be better for you and your family.

 

On 10/25/2019 at 3:59 PM, Altostrata said:

 

Please do your best to subtract your fear of being afraid and your fear of being afraid of being afraid from your neuroemotions. In short, get out and walk around a little. This will help your body work better to fix things.

 

If you're light-sensitive, wear dark glasses outside, even on cloudy days.

 

On 10/25/2019 at 4:08 PM, Altostrata said:

Walking around in the evening is a great idea, as long as your area is safe. Do this as much as you can.

 

If you're not sleeping properly, your sense of time may be distorted. Please do what you can to stop worrying about the weird iatrogenic symptoms. They will change and mutate.

 

On 11/4/2019 at 8:07 PM, icerose87 said:

Gemma’s sister again...

 

Is there any way I can help Gemma survive this?  I really think she has some form of akathisia. She is in constant mental torment to an unimaginable degree. I really don’t think many people here experience her level of suffering. 

 

She’s been on an organic, paleo diet for about a month. She’s been attempting to meditate and distract herself, but today is a really bad day. 

 

We’re running out of time. How is it even possible that there exists something so horrendous that there is no relief or help for??!!

 

What can I do??

 

@icerose87, please help Gemma stay calm and not spiral into frantic worry. She needs to push bad thoughts away.

 

On 11/6/2019 at 4:04 PM, Gemma92 said:

I used to take benadryl a lot in the past and it never had any effect on me as I built a tolerance to the histamine effect fairly quickly. Now I am worried the same has happened with Mirtazapine and that I won't ever stabalize on it ever. This is so scary. Am I overthinking this? What happens if I get interdose withdrawal? 😢 I read Pinkfairy's thread and it seemed she got better after reducing Mirtazapine. I am not going to touch it again for several months I promise but I wonder if true healing is off these toxins. 

 

I need to survive this so I can put an end to this. Because no human beings should have to walk through hell like this 24/7. How many people are in state hospitals like this!? I need to get them out. I need to help them. 

 

The Benadryl is non-issue, you're not taking it. If mirtazapine is working, it's working. I would not worry about tolerance. I've never seen interdose withdrawal from mirtazapine.

 

As Leo1983 said, at least you sleep. This is good.

 

On 11/6/2019 at 3:07 PM, Gemma92 said:

I tried meditating once and the thoughts kept coming in my head that I have permanent damage.  I am worried that I do because my symptoms never change and stay constant and only worsen. And I only have like 10 or 15 symptoms but they are severe. I think the more, the better because that means the brain is working on things. Sorry for my rambling and repetitiveness. 

Right now I am playing video games to belp distract myself but alls what I think about is death and how I cannot feel love. 😞 

 

One of the benefits of attempting to clear your mind with meditation is that you find what's stuck in your mind. You have this sense of permanent damage, grief, and badness stuck in your mind. Practicing meditation will show you how to make these huge boulders go away. You simply teach yourself to stop thinking about them.

 

The process of meditation is hard but accomplishing it is difficult -- that's why it's called practice, you have to do it over and over. Nobody ever does it perfectly, there are always critters sneaking in that need to be pushed away.

 

You need to do this because these beliefs are amplifying your suffering. Only you can make this happen. No matter how many times you post here and no matter how many times we console you, you need to do the work yourself. This is the great existential revelation of iatrogenic drug damage: Nobody else can fix you.

 

Also see Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

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Zans
5 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I know why I am one of the worst cases. I had a series of adverse reactions to antibiotics all throughout this mess. I was polydrugged on 5 drugs at once at one point. My brain is destroyed. I won't ever stabilize. I had too many changes, drugs and antibiotic damage. I was even put on steroids at one point. I am just giving up all hope. 

I read an article where someone was in an Effexor withdrawal and took an antibiotic and had an immediate adverse reaction. He is not healing years later.

I did the same thing but did even more damage than he did. A burning brain is a very bad sign and I have it. 

 

I know my exposures were short but it's not the timr I was on the drugs, it's the amount I was on and the reactions they gave me.

Hey,

 

I was on 10+ drugs that I know of and some more that I don't (when I was in hospital they abruptly changed new meds without me knowing names anytime I complained about symptoms). I'd say I roller coasted through something like 15 different meds in 8 months or so. Things got and are better now but at some point it didn't look that they ever will (I had short stint with burning brain as well).

 

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