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Gemma92

Going to sit out in the cold and try to calm my burning brain.

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intothewoods
7 hours ago, Alice1 said:

We are 100% not burnt out with you . We are all in this together .. 

 

7 hours ago, Alice1 said:

100% normal . I still do it with my father after 3 years .

 

 

7 hours ago, Alice1 said:

Not necessary , but once you start feeling improvement you'll start encouraging others who are just beginning their acute distress , and there will be a lot of them . 

 

Ditto everything @Alice1 says! 

 

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Altostrata
10 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

At night those symptoms are ramped up plus I get the physical akathisia in my legs and I have more dp/dr at that time too. 

 

I wish I could skip taking the drug for a night and see if I get those symptoms or not.

 

Do these symptoms occur before or after you take mirtazapine?

 

10 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Do you want to try reducing mirtazapine from 11mg to 10mg?

 

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Shane88L

Hi Gemma,

 

I had, what I would think to be, a negative reaction to being wrongly put on Zyprexa/Olanzapine over a year ago. I can relate to a lot of what you say.

That was over a year ago and I am really only now beginning to feel good. You can read how upset I was on my posts. The anhedonia and dp/dr combo was truly a living hell, and it went on for many months. My writing shows the suffering, and I recall thinking of suicide every day for months during the worst of it.

I couldn't taste or smell throughout the worst parts, I was dizzy and couldn't focus, and the constant unrelenting fear was dreadful.

I'm feeling much better now after 14 months after c/ting from the drug.

 

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Gemma92
14 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

Do these symptoms occur before or after you take mirtazapine?

 

 

They happen after. But this morning they are still ramped up. This might be my worst day ever yet. Things aren't settling. 

 

I think I'm going to hold on the Mirtazapine for awhile longer. I'll wait and see if things settle at night and if they don't, then I'll taper to 10mg. 

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Gemma92
5 hours ago, Shane88L said:

Hi Gemma,

 

I had, what I would think to be, a negative reaction to being wrongly put on Zyprexa/Olanzapine over a year ago. I can relate to a lot of what you say.

That was over a year ago and I am really only now beginning to feel good. You can read how upset I was on my posts. The anhedonia and dp/dr combo was truly a living hell, and it went on for many months. My writing shows the suffering, and I recall thinking of suicide every day for months during the worst of it.

I couldn't taste or smell throughout the worst parts, I was dizzy and couldn't focus, and the constant unrelenting fear was dreadful.

I'm feeling much better now after 14 months after c/ting from the drug.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It gives me hope!

 I'm sorry you had to be put on that awful drug too! I am glad you're getting better!

I was CTed after 3 months of use and my brain was already battered from previous withdrawals. I am afraid that I won't heal because I was on it for so long. And at the same time, the doctors were playing around with my Mirtazapine dose. I am still on it at 11mg and the symptoms aren't settling at all. I have psychotic fears, akathisia and of the course the anhedonia and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 😢

It's scary because I used to be a big animal lover and music lover and now I am just a vegetable that suffers all day. 

 

 

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Cloudskishawna

I'm so sorry your going through this I'm at a pretty rough patch myself to im actually thinking of getting back on medication because it's so hard but I just feel if we wait just a little longer then we can see the light again 

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Winner51

Gemma, I am new to this site. I read your thread today and my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry you are experiencing all of this suffering. It’s obvious by reading the many responses on your thread, you have many people who care about you. You can now include me in that list. Your sister obviously loves you very much and she is your biggest ally.  You hang in there! You have a long, happy life ahead of you and this too shall pass. You are a fighter. I read it in all of your posts. I know it may seem you’re without strength but you are strong. You will prevail over all of your horrible circumstances and imagine the woman you will be when you do! What a testimony you will have to help others!  I prayed for you today and I will continue to do so. God works in His timing so rely on Him and let Him strengthen you and you will be just fine!🙏

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Gemma92
2 hours ago, Cloudskishawna said:

I'm so sorry your going through this I'm at a pretty rough patch myself to im actually thinking of getting back on medication because it's so hard but I just feel if we wait just a little longer then we can see the light again 

I'm sorry you're suffering too.I made the mistake of going back on drugs and it made so much worse. Please be careful. 

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Cloudskishawna

Everytime I try to go to sleep I have this adrenaline rush do you deal with this to and I had went to a psych hospital and they gave me trazodone and now I'm wondering if I kindled myself because I only took 50mgs twice in the summer and then once again at the psych ward but only 25mgs so in total I took it maybe 3 or 4 times 

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Winner51 said:

Gemma, I am new to this site. I read your thread today and my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry you are experiencing all of this suffering. It’s obvious by reading the many responses on your thread, you have many people who care about you. You can now include me in that list. Your sister obviously loves you very much and she is your biggest ally.  You hang in there! You have a long, happy life ahead of you and this too shall pass. You are a fighter. I read it in all of your posts. I know it may seem you’re without strength but you are strong. You will prevail over all of your horrible circumstances and imagine the woman you will be when you do! What a testimony you will have to help others!  I prayed for you today and I will continue to do so. God works in His timing so rely on Him and let Him strengthen you and you will be just fine!🙏

Hello and welcome! 

Thank you so much for the thoughtful message and for the prayers! I am very grateful for the support! I hope God can undo what all these drugs did to me. I am so far from myself and feel so nonhuman. I just want to be able to love again ❤🙏🙏And be with my nephew and my cats again 👦😺😺😺😺😺😺

 

I hope you're doing good and tbat drug situation is going okay! I hate how awful they can make us feel.

 

 

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Gemma92
10 minutes ago, Cloudskishawna said:

Everytime I try to go to sleep I have this adrenaline rush do you deal with this to and I had went to a psych hospital and they gave me trazodone and now I'm wondering if I kindled myself because I only took 50mgs twice in the summer and then once again at the psych ward but only 25mgs so in total I took it maybe 3 or 4 times 

I also only took a few Trazadone pills. I don't think you were kindled. If you didn't feel any different, then you should be okay.I think kindling is more when you go on another drug for a long period of time and then stop it and then go on more and stop them after a period of time has passed. I am the very definition of kindled. 😞

 

I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping. It will get better. I used to get the adrenal rushes a lot before I got kindled more. Now I am stuck in sheer terror 24/7. It's not an adrenal surge, it's more like a state of pure horror.I will wake up in the middle of night and feel like I am in the depths of hell surrounded by an evil force. I have the most diabolical feeling of terror. I think it's mental akathisia. It's horrific! My legs get so restless and I have to keep moving them. I'm not looking foward to another night of this. 

 

I hope you feel better soon! 

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Cloudskishawna

I'm really really sorry that you have to go through this no one deserves this it's inhumane to live like this I just pray and hope we all get better

And you were right trazodone didn't really help me to get longer sleep it just gave me a weird dream

Now mirtazapine I don't know what the hell is In that stuff I was a literal zombie on that drug sleeping 13 hours totally not normal the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me is there any tools you use to help you through your adrenaline rushes 

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Gemma92
6 minutes ago, Cloudskishawna said:

I'm really really sorry that you have to go through this no one deserves this it's inhumane to live like this I just pray and hope we all get better

And you were right trazodone didn't really help me to get longer sleep it just gave me a weird dream

Now mirtazapine I don't know what the hell is In that stuff I was a literal zombie on that drug sleeping 13 hours totally not normal the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me is there any tools you use to help you through your adrenaline rushes 

Thank you. You weren't on anything very long. You will heal 100% And I agree that nobody should have to go through this either. It's pretty sad that this entire subject is not talked about and the doctors refuse to acknowledge it can happen to people. It's a big cover up. 

 

Before I got this kindled, I used to do breathing exercises to help the withdrawal anxiety. It helped me. I wish I wouldn't have went on more drugs because now nothing helps it. I guess time is the only thing at this point for me. But you're nowhere near as bad as I am so please do not worry. I know your suffering is severe though! You will get through this. The other members will help you with coping skills. I'm not too good with that but I am always here to support you. 

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Gemma92

Does anybody know when these crazy feelings will die down? The paranoia, suicidal urges, terror, agitation, anhedonia, DP/DR, etc? 

 

I made a big mistake cutting from the 15mg and when I did, I changed from dry to liquid at the same time. My brain is hurt from all CTs and changes for a year and it's been 1.5years now and it seems I am only getting crazier as time passes. I had rare partial windows on the 15mg. But very rarely! Will I get them again if I hold long enough?  😥 I don't know if the drug itself is making me worse but I'm going to hold and wait. 

I just can't imagine living with these crazy feelings forever. 

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PgadAdam
1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

Does anybody know when these crazy feelings will die down? The paranoia, suicidal urges, terror, agitation, anhedonia, DP/DR, etc? 

 

I made a big mistake cutting from the 15mg and when I did, I changed from dry to liquid at the same time. My brain is hurt from all CTs and changes for a year and it's been 1.5years now and it seems I am only getting crazier as time passes. I had rare partial windows on the 15mg. But very rarely! Will I get them again if I hold long enough?  😥 I don't know if the drug itself is making me worse but I'm going to hold and wait. 

I just can't imagine living with these crazy feelings forever. 

hello again it's me, i dont know when the anhedonia and apathy will get better but the brain tries to reach homeostasis so its working hard every day to restore things back to baseline. i just think it takes a long time and that we'll be rewarded with a better life in return for our patience. stay hopeful gemma ❤️ (just decided to edit this so i could say something else) feel free to message me privately on the days that you need someone to listen or reassure you, i'm not regularly active on this site but i get notified by email when people reply to me so i'll be in touch if you require it :)

Edited by PgadAdam
offering support

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, PgadAdam said:

hello again it's me, i dont know when the anhedonia and apathy will get better but the brain tries to reach homeostasis so its working hard every day to restore things back to baseline. i just think it takes a long time and that we'll be rewarded with a better life in return for our patience. stay hopeful gemma ❤️ (just decided to edit this so i could say something else) feel free to message me privately on the days that you need someone to listen or reassure you, i'm not regularly active on this site but i get notified by email when people reply to me so i'll be in touch if you require it :)

Thank you, I really hope my brain is able to reach homeostasis again. ❤🙏I am so worried about permanent damage. The not being about to taste or smell scares me. 

I hope you're doing better with your drug situation. There's nothing worse than not being feel the emotion of love or care about people the way we used to. 

And thank you, I'll message you privately sometime!☺

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PgadAdam
1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you, I really hope my brain is able to reach homeostasis again. ❤🙏I am so worried about permanent damage. The not being about to taste or smell scares me. 

I hope you're doing better with your drug situation. There's nothing worse than not being feel the emotion of love or care about people the way we used to. 

And thank you, I'll message you privately sometime!☺

couldn't agree more, it really destroys relationships to be numb. i have to remind myself how i feel about people because my feelings aren't an accurate representation of the truth because of apathy. but it doesnt feel special at all when im using common sense and facts to decide if i love someone or not. i think our humanity will come back though i just wont take any antidepressants ever again coz it take me back to square one. every day that ive had without using them is a day closer to recovery. sending love

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intothewoods
1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

I am so worried about permanent damage.

 

We all are, either now (surely in my case and many on this site) or in the past, so please don't feel it's too weird or absurd of a symptom. It's totally logical in this state of med harm and is how the drugs were designed to keep us roped in. It's horrific but we can't fall for it, Gemma.

 

I fight it constantly and as recently as Sunday, emailed my close friend @Carmie and said I was certain I was developing schizophrenia. I was doing well and then a switch of Prozac manufacturer caused a month-long acid trip out of the blue. I am emerging from it now and no longer feel schizophrenic  but know where you're at, the despair and utter betrayal of life that feels it won't return but as all have said: It will. It is a guarantee if we do the right things to stabilize and then slow, slow taper as SA recommends.

 

The brain always wins. Drugs don't win as long as we hold out and give ourselves time to heal. It's so, so hard but you're doing it. We're all doing it. We need to help each other along - - peer support is, by definition, hand-holding - - and you have much love on your page.

 

@India and I speak often and are concerned for you, so I've been following your plight but unable to post on my own page even. Yet please know you're going to make it. You're a lovely soul; it's so obvious from your words.

 

We're going to make it straight through this together ❤️

 

 

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Adili13

@intothewoods I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much for this comment. It’s been a rough night. 

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intothewoods
48 minutes ago, Adili13 said:

I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much for this comment. It’s been a rough

 

I'm so glad to be of any help. So sorry it's a rough night. We stand strong together!

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Shane88L

Hi Gemma,

 

It is really a horrible way to live, and it feels unbearable, as I've experienced pretty awful symptoms of those drugs myself, ranging from deep unrelenting depression, numbed feelings (very difficult in a relationship!) terrible anxiety (hot and cold shivers shot up and down my body whenever I thought of something) and a constant state of dp/dr with obsessive thoughts, but I believe that with time, you will feel much better again, as I feel much better than I once did. I even lost hope for many months and resigned myself to a fate of living in suffering, but that wasn't the case. The brain does heal, and it just needs stability and time. 

I believe that you will heal.

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Gemma92
16 hours ago, PgadAdam said:

couldn't agree more, it really destroys relationships to be numb. i have to remind myself how i feel about people because my feelings aren't an accurate representation of the truth because of apathy. but it doesnt feel special at all when im using common sense and facts to decide if i love someone or not. i think our humanity will come back though i just wont take any antidepressants ever again coz it take me back to square one. every day that ive had without using them is a day closer to recovery. sending love

It's just crazy not even being able to remember what normal feels like because of that block in the brain. It's like we are on one side of a wall and out emotions are on the other side. 

I hope you're right about our humanity coming back. I just look at my sig and see a pile of 16 some drugs... And Zyprexa and Mirtazapine are awful. It seems like every thing I was CTed off of, are the hardest drugs to withdraw from. 😭 I you're right that everyday is closer to recovery. I know you all will heal but I'm a different story. 

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Gemma92
16 hours ago, intothewoods said:

 

We all are, either now (surely in my case and many on this site) or in the past, so please don't feel it's too weird or absurd of a symptom. It's totally logical in this state of med harm and is how the drugs were designed to keep us roped in. It's horrific but we can't fall for it, Gemma.

 

I fight it constantly and as recently as Sunday, emailed my close friend @Carmie and said I was certain I was developing schizophrenia. I was doing well and then a switch of Prozac manufacturer caused a month-long acid trip out of the blue. I am emerging from it now and no longer feel schizophrenic  but know where you're at, the despair and utter betrayal of life that feels it won't return but as all have said: It will. It is a guarantee if we do the right things to stabilize and then slow, slow taper as SA recommends.

 

The brain always wins. Drugs don't win as long as we hold out and give ourselves time to heal. It's so, so hard but you're doing it. We're all doing it. We need to help each other along - - peer support is, by definition, hand-holding - - and you have much love on your page.

 

@India and I speak often and are concerned for you, so I've been following your plight but unable to post on my own page even. Yet please know you're going to make it. You're a lovely soul; it's so obvious from your words.

 

We're going to make it straight through this together ❤️

 

 

Thank you for caring about me and for keeping me in mind. That is very sweet of you and India ❤ I am very grateful for all the support I get from here. 

I'm so sorry you had that scare with the Prozac change. I am glad things have settled down for you! I am too scared about developing some mental illness from this! 😭

 

I'm just terrified my brain has been too battered. And I worry I was put on all the worst possible drugs out there. I shouldn't have ever been put on Mirtazapine and Zyprexa... I would have healed 100% if not because I had windows.

I am so scared for my life because if I don't heal feom this, I am afraid of what might happen. Things aren't looking too good for me. 😭 But just reading all these messages that you all send me, keeps me going. You are all my support. 🙏💛🙏💛 And when I get my being back one day, I will be very grateful for all you guys have done for me!

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Gemma92
12 hours ago, Shane88L said:

Hi Gemma,

 

It is really a horrible way to live, and it feels unbearable, as I've experienced pretty awful symptoms of those drugs myself, ranging from deep unrelenting depression, numbed feelings (very difficult in a relationship!) terrible anxiety (hot and cold shivers shot up and down my body whenever I thought of something) and a constant state of dp/dr with obsessive thoughts, but I believe that with time, you will feel much better again, as I feel much better than I once did. I even lost hope for many months and resigned myself to a fate of living in suffering, but that wasn't the case. The brain does heal, and it just needs stability and time. 

I believe that you will heal.

Thank you, Shane! I hope I will see that day! Did you ever lose your taste or smell? I am just completely numb. It feels like I have toxins running through my body. I can smell the chemicals coming out of my hands! It's awful. I am glad you have seen some recovery! Just reading that gives me more strength to keep going! 😭

But I am still on a drug and I don't know how much healing I can do while on it. Some people never stabilize on a drug. 😞

 

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icerose87

Gemma’s sister here. 

 

She is really struggling today. I’m afraid she’s going to give up if she doesn’t experience some type of relief soon. We are all supporting her and stand behind her, but what she is feeling is overpowering her rationality and will to live. I feel so helpless and alone. It’s tearing me apart to see her struggle like this and not be able to help her. Is there anything I can show her to prove to her that she’ll heal? She refuses to believe that this isn’t permanent.

 

 

 

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PgadAdam
33 minutes ago, icerose87 said:

Gemma’s sister here. 

 

She is really struggling today. I’m afraid she’s going to give up if she doesn’t experience some type of relief soon. We are all supporting her and stand behind her, but what she is feeling is overpowering her rationality and will to live. I feel so helpless and alone. It’s tearing me apart to see her struggle like this and not be able to help her. Is there anything I can show her to prove to her that she’ll heal? She refuses to believe that this isn’t permanent.

 

you could show her the sucess stories on this site, i think that could point her in the right direction. and remind her shes got all of us here who keep commenting on her thread should she need anything, we all care about gemma too :)

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Shane88L

Hi Gemma,

 

I recall not being able to taste my favourite foods, - everything was the same... I recall not being able to smell things that used to bring me joy, and feeling nothing... I recall having a deafening ringing in my ears, and vision that was akin to the snow on an old t.v... I recall feeling trapped, as if I were being tortured in this body... I was in a constant state of what I would call panic. My body was adrenalized I felt, without there being an off switch...

There were a lot of symptoms, and they are a truly miserable experience, but they will pass. I know you've been on and off of a range of medications, and that's ok. You will get better. It will just take time. 

 

I had nasty symptoms, many of the ones you are having now, and I needed the loving support of my wife to get me through the long months of desperation. It does gets easier, as time goes on. I didn't expect to have to endure well over a year before I started to feel somewhat better. 

You will heal Gemma. As you slowly progress, you will heal. 

 

 

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icerose87
33 minutes ago, PgadAdam said:

you could show her the sucess stories on this site, i think that could point her in the right direction. and remind her shes got all of us here who keep commenting on her thread should she need anything, we all care about gemma too :)

Thank you for your support. The success stories actually help me more than they do her. I’ve shown her a ton and she has found some too, but she says she won't heal because she’s been on the top 4 worst drugs - Lexapro, Ativan, Zyprexa, and  Mirtazapine. Plus she’s having a hard time getting off the  Mirtazapine. She says no one heals from those 4 drugs. I tell her she will heal, but she doesn’t believe me. 😞

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Leo1983

Look at Aeromans in success stories.

 

Look at Santinos. Success Stories 

 

Look at Mattise. Success stories.

 

Look at Ian Singleton bristol tranquiliser project on google. Watch the videos.

 

Look at Pauls recovery from antidepressants story on youtube. 

 

Look at Baylissa recovery on the net.

 

That should keep ya going 

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PgadAdam
2 hours ago, PgadAdam said:

Thank you for your support. The success stories actually help me more than they do her. I’ve shown her a ton and she has found some too, but she says she won't heal because she’s been on the top 4 worst drugs - Lexapro, Ativan, Zyprexa, and  Mirtazapine. Plus she’s having a hard time getting off the  Mirtazapine. She says no one heals from those 4 drugs. I tell her she will heal, but she doesn’t believe me. 😞

no problem i really want her to get better. there are going to be ups and downs in her mood while she's recovering even im negative about it too sometimes. just keep her safe, there's no point in giving up early. i'm personally 8 months off medication without improvement but im not getting stressed about not seeing immedeate changes. i know its going to be slow. you just have to get into a mindset of looking at the bigger picture and not what focus on the suffering in the present, i see the light at the end of the tunnel and i hope she will believe that too someday

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Boris

Hang in there Gemma, it does get better. I remember having those permanent brain damage thoughts and months of mental/physical akathesia. 

 

I remember posting similar stuff on paxil progress before taking a break from reading anything on the subject for 5 years.

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Gemma92
On 11/27/2019 at 4:41 PM, Leo1983 said:

Look at Aeromans in success stories.

 

Look at Santinos. Success Stories 

 

Look at Mattise. Success stories.

 

Look at Ian Singleton bristol tranquiliser project on google. Watch the videos.

 

Look at Pauls recovery from antidepressants story on youtube. 

 

Look at Baylissa recovery on the net.

 

That should keep ya going 

Thank you, they do help me a lot! 😊 

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Gemma92
On 11/27/2019 at 6:29 PM, Boris said:

Hang in there Gemma, it does get better. I remember having those permanent brain damage thoughts and months of mental/physical akathesia. 

 

I remember posting similar stuff on paxil progress before taking a break from reading anything on the subject for 5 years.

Thank you, I'll try! And oh wow 5 years! I'm sorry you had to suffer for so long! the mental akathisia is horrible! Today is horrible suicidal urges too! And if the mental stuff ever calms down a notch, I am left with anhedonia. 😞

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Gemma92

I am still having worsening of symptoms. I have been holding on Mirtazapine for 2 months now and so far, nothing is calming down at all! I am going to wait another 4 months and if things do not calm down, I am tapering again. 

I now hear voices in my head when I'm trying to sleep at night. I heard a males voice clear as day. It was the weirdest thing. I guess that means the psychosis is getting worse and I'll probably be in full blown psychosis before I know it. This is from the 5 cold turkeys I have had in the past and the updosings, other drugs and so much more. My sig is a nightmare! My recepters could be damaged for good. Trust me when I say I am a horror story guys. I never seen someone on this website as sick as I am especially a short-term user. 

I feel half alive and like a crazy zombie. I am a walking vegetable. I am not even 1% of who I once was! I get no windows at all. The terror is so bad and mixed with the suicidal urges and other psychotic symptoms. I'm sorry for such horrible news... I am hanging by a thread. 😞

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Gemma92

I think the Zyprexa withdrawal did this. What an evil and disgusting drug. 3 months on that toxin and the withdrawal destroyed my dopamine. I am so ******** now. Half brain dead. 😞 

There is no possible way I can even taper like this. 

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