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Gemma92
2 hours ago, gardenlady said:

I wonder why there are no Cymbalta success stories given so many people who are trying desperately to get off of it.  The Cymbalta Hurts Worse Facebook group has over 22,000 members which is more than any other antidepressant support group as far as I can tell.   Their "Wall of Success" is only for those completing the taper which could mean nothing if they are still non-functional and require months or years of healing.  I asked the moderator why she doesn't have a place for people to post their success stories after healing (not just completing the taper) and she didn't respond.  I think they are afraid to admit that merely getting off the drug isn't necessarily the end...perhaps they think it will scare people.  Not sure. Very sad, though, because I sure would like to read success stories of people who got off Cymbalta and then eventually healed and wrote to tell about it. 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with Cymbalta! I'm sure all the people who have healed from it just never come back to tell the group. You will be okay and you will heal! The Lexapro and Mirtazapine groups are flooded with people too.😭 I hope someone finds a cure for CNS damage someday. 

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Gemma92
2 hours ago, RuuRee said:

Gemma, 

 

Please don’t give up! You will make it through this. The world needs you! Sometimes I go onto Pinterest and scroll through quotes that give me inspiration. You should find some that inspire you and print them out or write them somewhere. I hope you like the one below 🧡

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Thank you! I hope I can be part of this world again and back to the person I remember! 

 

Thank you for the beautiful quote! ❤ They are very helpful!

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Gemma92

In my dreams I forget that I'm in WD and I think to myself, "Why do I feel brain damaged and retarded?" I can literally feel the structural changes. I wake up and feel like a zombie that has no identity. 😞 

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Gemma92

I am worried I am going to get dementia from Mirtazapine. 

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Gemma92

I need to stop worrying. I'm sorry. 

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RuuRee

Gemma, there’s no need to apologize. You are not alone in how overwhelming this WD experience is. I myself am struggling pretty bad right now so I know how you feel. We just have to constantly remind ourselves that we WILL get better, and we will be stronger than ever before once we get out of this mess. 

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Gemma92
56 minutes ago, RuuRee said:

Gemma, there’s no need to apologize. You are not alone in how overwhelming this WD experience is. I myself am struggling pretty bad right now so I know how you feel. We just have to constantly remind ourselves that we WILL get better, and we will be stronger than ever before once we get out of this mess. 

Thank you and I'm sorry you're struggling too. I just hope my body is able to get enough strength to make it. I am losing 1 pound every day. And I am even eating. 😭 

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RuuRee

@Gemma92 I feel you on the eating part. Some days I am forcing myself to eat and it takes forever to get it all down. I’ve also lost quite a bit of weight in the last couple months. Have you tried doing a more “liquid” diet? When I first started going through this I was eating yogurt, applesauce, oatmeal, bananas, whatever was easy to get down. For some reason I had a realllly hard time eating anything even remotely solid. Are you able to eat enough calories for the day? 

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Gemma92
3 hours ago, RuuRee said:

@Gemma92 I feel you on the eating part. Some days I am forcing myself to eat and it takes forever to get it all down. I’ve also lost quite a bit of weight in the last couple months. Have you tried doing a more “liquid” diet? When I first started going through this I was eating yogurt, applesauce, oatmeal, bananas, whatever was easy to get down. For some reason I had a realllly hard time eating anything even remotely solid. Are you able to eat enough calories for the day? 

Yeah when this first happened, I did a liquid diet. I drank a lot of those boost drinks. Now I can eat solid foods but I get full so quick and can't even taste the food. I eat 1 big meal a day and I snack on apples and bacon during the day. I think I'm getting enough calories. I gained some of the weight back that I just lost. 

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Gemma92

First wave of WD: I could still work and just had horrible anxiety.

 

Second wave after more drugs: I had worse anxiety, cold chills, dizziness, ear ringing, no appetite and bad vision crying spells and slight suicidal thoughts.

 

Third wave after more drugs: (current) Lost all my emotions and got severe anhedonia. No concept of time or any sense of who I am or what I am. Terror and horror all day, burning brain, squeezing brain, rage, feeling half dead and feel retarded, Muscle spasms, teeth clentching, agoraphobia, psyhcotic like symptoms, suicidal urges, numb brain and massive crying spells. 

 

I would do anything to get my old withdrawals back. I am so damaged now that I don't even remember them and they were even bad. The thing I hate the most is feeling like a complete zombie. 

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Gemma92

I just want to love again. ❤ 🙏

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RuuRee

That’s great that you gained some weight back!! That means progress. And I know you are going through a horrible phase right now, but do your best to lean on friends and family for support. And SA ❤️ I know it feels like it will never come, but you will get better and you will be your old self again and love so many things! Hang in there Gemma...

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Gemma92
2 hours ago, RuuRee said:

That’s great that you gained some weight back!! That means progress. And I know you are going through a horrible phase right now, but do your best to lean on friends and family for support. And SA ❤️ I know it feels like it will never come, but you will get better and you will be your old self again and love so many things! Hang in there Gemma...

Thank you RuuRee❤ I hope it happens soon for both of us!

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Gemma92

The akathisia is so strong and so tormenting. God have mercy on me. 

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RuuRee

Have you tried stretching or yoga or anything? Maybe a weighted blanked would help....just throwing some things out there to try. Hang in there, better days are coming 🌤

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Gemma92
8 hours ago, RuuRee said:

Have you tried stretching or yoga or anything? Maybe a weighted blanked would help....just throwing some things out there to try. Hang in there, better days are coming 🌤

I haven't tried yoga or stretching but I do have a weighted blanket and it helps me a little bit. ☺

Thanks, I hope so. 😭 

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Gemma92

Anyone else have a chronic fatigue problem before the drugs? I am afraid it's going to interfere with my healing. It got so bad at times that I'd fall alseep while taking a bath, watching TV or sitting outside. I couldn't ever sit out in the sun because it made me so weak and tired. This is the reason why I was sensitive to these drugs I think. I just wish I knew what it was. Because it was not normal. I went to a sleep study even before for it. 

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RuuRee

Hi Gemma! 

 

How are you doing? Just wanted to stop by to send you some well wishes. 💕

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Gemma92

Anhedonia and suicidal urges tie for the worst symptoms. (In my opinion).  

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RuuRee

@Gemma92 I completely agree they are the worst. Try and remind yourself that things will be better in the future. I’m rooting for you!

 

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Gemma92

Thanks @RuuRee ❤ It's hard to remember that things will change in the future. I just hope I'll be around to see it. I feel like I had a lobotomy and lost everything that made me a person. 😔 

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RuuRee

@Gemma92 You will be around! Even though you feel the way you do right now, you are still the person you’ve always been, and you will come out stronger than ever from this experience. We have to keep fighting! 💪🏼

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Gemma92
2 hours ago, RuuRee said:

@Gemma92 You will be around! Even though you feel the way you do right now, you are still the person you’ve always been, and you will come out stronger than ever from this experience. We have to keep fighting! 💪🏼

Thanks, I hope I will be around. I'll keep fighting beside you 😭 

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Gemma92

I really think the Mirtazapine is playing a part into my suicidal urges. It is one of the top drugs that has a black box warning on suicidal thoughts. I honestly don't think I'll be able to heal on it. But I can't even get off of it because of the withdrawal. It's a doubled edged sword.

From what I have seen on this group, most people started healing OFF all drugs. Of course I have seen some that healed while on them but a lot of those people were holding on the drug that they were originally withdrawing from. Or they were put on a drug in the same class. So when they put me on more drugs, they put me on different class and I immediately got suicidal. So I guess I'll continue on doing what I'm doing and hold for a few more months. After that, I am tapering again. It will be slow and painful and will probably take a couple years to get off of it but why hold and hold when nothing is changing? That's only going to make it harder to get off of in the future...

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Gemma92

I'm really tired of seeing people in these groups coming back years out and saying they haven't healed or had no windows and that things only have gotten worse. It's not fair to them that they are still so sick. Not fair at all. 😞 And it makes people like me just want to give up...

 

I'll be back in a few years and will be the same too knowing my luck. I felt the structual changes right away when I was thrown on Zyprexa and Mirtazapine. My brain stopped healing then. I wish I would have been in this group before I was damaged so bad. 

 

I'll keep fighting...😞 

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Gemma92

Sorry I post in here all of the time. It's kind of distraction from the torture. 

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Gemma92

I was never exactly the sharpest tool in the shed during my lifetime and now I'm even worse. I'm sure I will heal much slower since it was always harder for my brain to learn and remember things in school. I guess that's a sign my brain isn't neuroplastic enough to heal quickly...😭 I hope I'm just over thinking things and that this isn't true. 

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Gemma92

I can't do this anymore. Even if the end result is healing, the suffering is too much to edure in the meantime. I have never seen such a horrfic case like mine. My brain burns 24/7, I cry almost all day, I have psychotic terror and suicidal urges that makes me want to die so bad. This is the most barbaric thing that can happen to a human being. My entire personality is gone. My soul has been sucked out of my body. I'm sorry if I fail everyone. This is just too much for me. I am on a diet, I am holding on 11mg but the symptoms NEVER leave or change. They are severe 24/7! I was on Lexapro for 2 months CT, again for a month CT, Ativan CT after 2 weeks, Zyprexa 3 months CT, Mirtazapine FT and many other short trials of drugs. I never stopped a drug that I have been on for years and yet I am suffer as if I have. It's sad how sensitive my brain is. 

I just can't survive for much longer. Alls what I feel is hatred and terror. I lost EVERYTHING! How many 27 year olds are homebound or bedbound? If I die, everyone will just think I was "mentally ill." Gosh, I never felt anything like this torture in my entire life. It would have been better off if I was never born. It just seems like my days get worse and worse. A human body was not meant to feel this suffering because it's impossible. I feel like a walking vegetable. I know I always say I'm going to take a break from this website but this time I really mean it. I can't keep posting all this depressing stuff. I'm sorry. I hope I return someday with better news. 😞 God help me. 

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India
12 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I was never exactly the sharpest tool in the shed during my lifetime and now I'm even worse. I'm sure I will heal much slower since it was always harder for my brain to learn and remember things in school. I guess that's a sign my brain isn't neuroplastic enough to heal quickly...😭 I hope I'm just over thinking things and that this isn't true. 

@Gemma92We must hope gemma. These are the worst of times. Remember peoples reports are subjective . Were more likely to post in our bad waves not our good windows. I really hoped you would get my emails as I hoped they would lift you. I’ll send again when I am able.

on the days you can’t hold on for yourself hold on for the group. Hold onto their hope until you find yours. We are injured but the body wants to heal. 

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Gemma92
2 minutes ago, India said:

@Gemma92We must hope gemma. These are the worst of times. Remember peoples reports are subjective . Were more likely to post in our bad waves not our good windows. I really hoped you would get my emails as I hoped they would lift you. I’ll send again when I am able.

on the days you can’t hold on for yourself hold on for the group. Hold onto their hope until you find yours. We are injured but the body wants to heal. 

I told my sister to check for them but she never got back to me. I'll ask her again. Sorry about that.

And thanks but it seems like I am always reporting in distress because I never get a break. It's been a giant wave ever since I was forced on more drugs. I don't think I'm going to make it. I am the worst case I have ever seen. It seems like other people can bounce on and off drugs and they can still work. I became bedound after 3 months of use. I know that benzo was involved in this. 

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India
11 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

I told my sister to check for them but she never got back to me. I'll ask her again. Sorry about that.

And thanks but it seems like I am always reporting in distress because I never get a break. It's been a giant wave ever since I was forced on more drugs. I don't think I'm going to make it. I am the worst case I have ever seen. It seems like other people can bounce on and off drugs and they can still work. I became bedound after 3 months of use. I know that benzo was involved in this. 

It must be terrible . I suffered in torture for 5 months til something shifted but it did. I didn’t know how I could keep going either . I am not in your world. I don’t know exactly how you are suffering. But I believe you can make it. And come out the other side. 

  

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Gemma92
1 minute ago, India said:

It must be terrible . I suffered in torture for 5 months til something shifted but it did. I didn’t know how I could keep going either . I am not in your world. I don’t know exactly how you are suffering. But I believe you can make it. And come out the other side. 

  

I hope I see a shift soon like you did because if I don't, I don't think I'll make it. It just seems like the symptoms only get worse instead of better. I have had dozens of adverse reactions and many WDs. All of the damage happened in just a year. And every time I'd cut the Mirtazapine, I'd get worse. The burning brain came when I went from 15 to 11mg fairly quick. Everything I eat makes it burn so bad. And I'm eating healthy. I just don't think my brain is the type that can recover from this. The suicidal urges are so bad. I feel so stupid and brain dead. I don't even remember what I did today because I have no concept of time.

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India

It’s all part of the healing. Even the brain dead feeling. That’s probably a protective mechanism. A part of you feels like you are dying but a new part will live. Some shoots are very slow to grow. Very. 

There is a part of you that is as strong as life itself.

 

Try to imagine what external factors would help aid your recovery ( this can be an ideal)

How do you currently spend your days?

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ShiningLight

Don't look at the big picture. Look at the tiny, tiny picture, Gemma. You are surviving in this moment. You are doing it! Just focus on the minute (small). A lot of what makes it so awful is the fear that things won't change. If you can focus on this moment only, it helps a lot. Just follow your breath. Don't project into the future or think back to the past. I think that focusing on your breath will be very helpful for you.

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Zans

Also you will not loose your essence. Who you are. Your core. We might get worse memory or analytical thinking from this whole ordeal but the center won't be lost.

 

I remember I used to read about dementia and nurses working in care facilities would report numerous cases where patient with severe last stage Alzhaimer's just before death would suddenly "comeback" to call their relatives, apology for everything and often times would have long fluid conversations.

 

And these are extreme "damage" cases but even there the essence is never lost.

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Melissa5000

Dear Gemma, I see myself in you when I was in bad early withdrawal. It is really bad. The pain and the mental depression and ruminations that come with it are torture. 

On 25th september you made your last change in meds. That is less than 3 months ago. So it is still very early days. No wonder you still feel bad. It takes lots of time before the brain settles down a bit. 

You will get your windows too. I hope I can reassure you a bit. 

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