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Gemma92

@Melissa5000 , @Zans , @India and @ShiningLight , thank you all for the help and the words of comfort and hope. I'm sorry I wasn't able to update recently. I've been wanting to stay away for longer but thought I'd pop in quick before Christmas. 

 

I'm still very sick. The psychotic terror is with me all day and the akathsia has been getting worse in my legs. I still have severe anhedonia and a burning brain most of the day. My body odor smells like toxins because my sense of smell is still off. I burned the roof of my mouth and now my entire right face hurts from the nerve pain. I wish I had good news for once but I just don't. Family members think they see small improvement but what they're seeing is me just adapting to the pain even though that seems impossible to do. I think I have more apathy than ever and that's another reason why they think I am doing better. I still believe I did too much damage but who knows. I'll be back in a couple weeks. 

 

Still holding on 11mg.... 😔 And waiting for something to change...

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Gemma92

Hello again. I hope everyone's holiday is going well. 

 

I am becoming more and more psychotic as time passes it seems. I wake up with impending doom and I feel like I am going to be completely psychotic soon if this keeps up. I have Dp/Dr very bad. The akathisia continues to get worse. My entire body is melting in it. When my brain burns bad, the mental symptoms get worse as well. Everyone says things are supposed to improve over time. But they only get worse. I am so far from who I used to be. I have no personality. I just feel completely psychotic and suicidal 24/7. I know it's been only 3 months from my last change but I have no idea if this drug is hurting me more or not by staying on it. And I can't afford to taper again. 

 

I have been getting new symptoms on top of the ones that are getting worse. Like chronic fatigue and new head symptoms. I am becoming more and more brain dead. I am on those people who only deteriorate. I am the extreme case that doesn't get a happy ending. I have neurotoxicity and permanent psychosis from these drugs. I have kindled just as bad as some of you guysm our time frame with drugs has been about the same and all of you are healing and I am getting sicker and sicker. 

 

I tried playing pretend for my family for Christmas. I tried convincing myself this would all end. But I get tsunamis within my massive waves. I can't feel any love at all. I want to just cut off my legs. The akathsia is getting worse and I haven't even done anything in 3 months!! It seems when I hold, my brain just starts going crazy. Everyone thinks I am better than I was 1 year ago. No. I am worse. I am just used to the pain! I didn't have akathisia or a burning brain 1 year ago. 

 

I hope I'll be back with better news for the future. I hope I even have a future. 

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India
7 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Hello again. I hope everyone's holiday is going well. 

 

I am becoming more and more psychotic as time passes it seems. I wake up with impending doom and I feel like I am going to be completely psychotic soon if this keeps up. I have Dp/Dr very bad. The akathisia continues to get worse. My entire body is melting in it. When my brain burns bad, the mental symptoms get worse as well. Everyone says things are supposed to improve over time. But they only get worse. I am so far from who I used to be. I have no personality. I just feel completely psychotic and suicidal 24/7. I know it's been only 3 months from my last change but I have no idea if this drug is hurting me more or not by staying on it. And I can't afford to taper again. 

 

I have been getting new symptoms on top of the ones that are getting worse. Like chronic fatigue and new head symptoms. I am becoming more and more brain dead. I am on those people who only deteriorate. I am the extreme case that doesn't get a happy ending. I have neurotoxicity and permanent psychosis from these drugs. I have kindled just as bad as some of you guysm our time frame with drugs has been about the same and all of you are healing and I am getting sicker and sicker. 

 

I tried playing pretend for my family for Christmas. I tried convincing myself this would all end. But I get tsunamis within my massive waves. I can't feel any love at all. I want to just cut off my legs. The akathsia is getting worse and I haven't even done anything in 3 months!! It seems when I hold, my brain just starts going crazy. Everyone thinks I am better than I was 1 year ago. No. I am worse. I am just used to the pain! I didn't have akathisia or a burning brain 1 year ago. 

 

I hope I'll be back with better news for the future. I hope I even have a future. 

Moderators please can you read this and offer advice @brassmonkey? @Altostrata @Rhiannon ? Or another else with knowledge?

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Altostrata

I'm sorry, we don't have any way to help Gemma other than to encourage her to hold on, take care of herself, and be as constructive as possible in her thoughts about herself and her ability to heal. Gemma, are you seeing a therapist regularly?

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

I'm sorry, we don't have any way to help Gemma other than to encourage her to hold on, take care of herself, and be as constructive as possible in her thoughts about herself and her ability to heal. Gemma, are you seeing a therapist regularly?

Thank you. I don't have a therapist but I have a case worker that I see about once a month. 

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Altostrata

A therapist might be very helpful for you, to coach you in staying out of those spirals. Dealing With Emotional Spirals

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sunnysideup69

Hi @Gemma92, definitely a therapist can be really helpful. You can even find people who will work with you via Skype, if you are too unwell to actually attend a session.

In the interim, and this is something I do on bad days, I find this site really helpful plus hearing people talk about recovery.

 

If you go to Baylissa.com, Bloom in Wellness, she has some very encouraging messages to listen to about recovery. It can be really soothing to hear  the spoken word when you're feeling awful. Also a YouTube channel called The Lovely Grind, he recovered from benzos and SSRI meds. His messages are really positive.

Hang on in there.

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UnfoldingSky

Gemma, I got your PM and wanted to see how you were.  Is it possible the holidays are maybe adding an extra layer of stress that is ramping up symptoms? I know for me when I had akathisia holiday times could be the worst, just having more people in the house would make me feel more boxed in and crowded, which sadly does not lend well to dealing with it.  Please try to hang on, I was sure I'd never recover either, I felt like I was the worst person on some sites I was on too, and yet recovery still did happen. You will get there too!  

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Erell
On 12/18/2019 at 1:48 AM, India said:

How do you currently spend your days?

 

Hello Gemma

 

I'm sorry to see that you're still suffering a lot. When I arrived on SA, i've read a lot of horror stories, but healing seems to happen for everyone ❤️

 

I've quoted India's question because I think it is an important one : I know too much how everything seems insurmountable while living with such high anxiety, however it can be helpful to use this time to try to practice some tools, even if it is just for a few minutes. 

Moreover, try to distract with simple activities may offer some minutes to your brain while you're not adding fear to the fear.

 

So how do you currently spend your days ?

 

If you want, we can give you some ideas  :

 

- have you ever tried to practice mindfullness? It can be a powerfull tool, feel free to ask questions about it

 

- Walk is an important tools during WD : I saw that you had started to walk a bit outside, do you still do it?

 

- any distraction is a welcome one during WD : have you, for example, tried puzzles? I found that it helps me to keep distracted from symptoms and from fear, even if it is sometimes only for a few minutes.

 

Big hugs Gemma ❤️

 

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Gemma92
7 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Hi @Gemma92, definitely a therapist can be really helpful. You can even find people who will work with you via Skype, if you are too unwell to actually attend a session.

In the interim, and this is something I do on bad days, I find this site really helpful plus hearing people talk about recovery.

 

If you go to Baylissa.com, Bloom in Wellness, she has some very encouraging messages to listen to about recovery. It can be really soothing to hear  the spoken word when you're feeling awful. Also a YouTube channel called The Lovely Grind, he recovered from benzos and SSRI meds. His messages are really positive.

Hang on in there.

Thank you for the suggestions. ❤

 I spoke to Baylissa almost a year ago over the phone. She gave me some hope but of course not enough for someone like me. I went on her website before to read about the WD symptoms too. The anhedonia and apathy got so much worse and make it difficult to see hope anymore but I'm still here fighting. 😞

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Gemma92
4 hours ago, Erell said:

 

Hello Gemma

 

I'm sorry to see that you're still suffering a lot. When I arrived on SA, i've read a lot of horror stories, but healing seems to happen for everyone ❤️

 

I've quoted India's question because I think it is an important one : I know too much how everything seems insurmountable while living with such high anxiety, however it can be helpful to use this time to try to practice some tools, even if it is just for a few minutes. 

Moreover, try to distract with simple activities may offer some minutes to your brain while you're not adding fear to the fear.

 

So how do you currently spend your days ?

 

If you want, we can give you some ideas  :

 

- have you ever tried to practice mindfullness? It can be a powerfull tool, feel free to ask questions about it

 

- Walk is an important tools during WD : I saw that you had started to walk a bit outside, do you still do it?

 

- any distraction is a welcome one during WD : have you, for example, tried puzzles? I found that it helps me to keep distracted from symptoms and from fear, even if it is sometimes only for a few minutes.

 

Big hugs Gemma ❤️

 

Hello. Thank you for visiting my thread and giving me hope. ❤

I am a pretty severe case. I'm glad many people like me made it out to the other side. But I seem to have no luck. I can hardly brush my teeth or my hair. It's not so much anxiety anymore but psychotic terror, suicidal urges, akathisia, massive anhedonia and apathy. I have no human emotions. I only cry because I miss feeling love. There's like a big block in my brain. A feeling of numbness that makes me feel crippled and not whole. 

Thank you for the suggestions. I force myself to play video games but I feel absolutely no connections to it. I'll try to do some puzzles like you suggested.  ☺

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Gemma92
7 hours ago, UnfoldingSky said:

Gemma, I got your PM and wanted to see how you were.  Is it possible the holidays are maybe adding an extra layer of stress that is ramping up symptoms? I know for me when I had akathisia holiday times could be the worst, just having more people in the house would make me feel more boxed in and crowded, which sadly does not lend well to dealing with it.  Please try to hang on, I was sure I'd never recover either, I felt like I was the worst person on some sites I was on too, and yet recovery still did happen. You will get there too!  

Thank you for this message❤ I think you're right about the holiday ramping up symptoms. I was surrounded by many people and they were all watching me opening presents. It was too much for me. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too. I'm so glad you healed from being a severe case. Did you recover while on a drug still? I am so scared of the anhedonia. Will I be me again? If someone killed my cats, I wouldn't even care while the old would have been devasted. This is so scary being like this. Just reading all the messages from everyone helps me survive this. 

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Gemma92
11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

A therapist might be very helpful for you, to coach you in staying out of those spirals. Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Thank for the suggestion. ❤

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Snorky

Hi Gemma

 

I hope you don’t mind me contributing to this. (Trying to help someone, rather than burden others with my tale of woe)

 

I can relate v much to your depressive and anhedonia sensations. I also agree that these trump angst type symptoms. (Forcing myself to watch Indiana Jones, but not really working) 

 

Christmas is difficult isn’t it. Just said goodby to in-laws. Had previously posted about their presence exacerbating everything. Now,  I miss them and feel lonely. 

 

I also agree with impact of never ending waves. However, one thing I’m learning is recognition of tiny windows. I had a relatively stable few hours earlier before the awful depression/anhedonia kicked in. 

 

Sincerely hope things work out for you.

 

God bless.

 

S

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sunnysideup69
2 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you for the suggestions. ❤

 I spoke to Baylissa almost a year ago over the phone. She gave me some hope but of course not enough for someone like me. I went on her website before to read about the WD symptoms too. The anhedonia and apathy got so much worse and make it difficult to see hope anymore but I'm still here fighting. 😞

Anhedonia and apathy are hellish, I know. They will go, however. You have so much strength... I agree with Snorky, the feelings of joylessness/pointlessness are the worst. We have to somehow just keep moving through them, reminding ourselves that 'this is not me, it's WD.' Sending you love and support from over here in London. 

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Gemma92
3 hours ago, Snorky said:

Hi Gemma

 

I hope you don’t mind me contributing to this. (Trying to help someone, rather than burden others with my tale of woe)

 

I can relate v much to your depressive and anhedonia sensations. I also agree that these trump angst type symptoms. (Forcing myself to watch Indiana Jones, but not really working) 

 

Christmas is difficult isn’t it. Just said goodby to in-laws. Had previously posted about their presence exacerbating everything. Now,  I miss them and feel lonely. 

 

I also agree with impact of never ending waves. However, one thing I’m learning is recognition of tiny windows. I had a relatively stable few hours earlier before the awful depression/anhedonia kicked in. 

 

Sincerely hope things work out for you.

 

God bless.

 

S

God bless you too, Snorky! Thank you for the support! ❤ I hope thinks work out soon for me too. I have been sick for so long that I forget what it feels like to be part of this world. 😞 I am glad I have you guys to walk through hell with me. I couldn't ever do it without help! We keep each other going 😭

 

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Gemma92
2 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Anhedonia and apathy are hellish, I know. They will go, however. You have so much strength... I agree with Snorky, the feelings of joylessness/pointlessness are the worst. We have to somehow just keep moving through them, reminding ourselves that 'this is not me, it's WD.' Sending you love and support from over here in London. 

Thank you for the support❤ Just reading all these sweet messages keeps me from giving up!

I think those symptoms are worse than the terror sometimes! I just want to be able to love again. ❤

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Gemma92
15 hours ago, India said:

Thank you for the link! I'm glad she's doing better! It's scary to think that our chemical brain injuries aren't too far away from physical ones! 

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Altostrata

Gemma, I highly recommend Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is particularly suited to people overcome by existential dread like yourself.

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India
8 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you for the link! I'm glad she's doing better! It's scary to think that our chemical brain injuries aren't too far away from physical ones! 

I’ve often found the TBI to describe exactly what I experienced . I too felt instantly that my brain had been “damaged” or injured. I get scared too @Gemma92 I want my old brain back but then I am able to push forward finding new things to cling to, new ways of seeing things. All the brain injury sufferers on youtube regain their lives . Reminding ourselves many of us are going through this. We are all fighting together. 

It is very very hard. The grief, the deep sense of loss, the anger. But ppl make miraculous recoveries not just in WD. 

If you have to sleep all the time then sleep. This will help healing as well as providing you escape. You must approach yourself delicately . 

 

Even in the darkest hours @intothewoods have shared images and words. It has been of great comfort. It keeps hope alive. 

 

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intothewoods
2 hours ago, India said:

Even in the darkest hours @intothewoods have shared images and words. It has been of great comfort. It keeps hope alive. 

 

I couldn't agree more. Thanks, @India

 

You're gonna make it Gemma! ❤️💜

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RuuRee

Gemma,

 

I know your WD journey has not been easy, but I believe in you. Don’t give up and don’t let WD convince you things won’t get better. They will in time. ❤️
 

6A96A1E2-B2B8-4936-A5D2-1C9643586E71.jpeg

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UnfoldingSky
16 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you for this message❤ I think you're right about the holiday ramping up symptoms. I was surrounded by many people and they were all watching me opening presents. It was too much for me. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too. I'm so glad you healed from being a severe case. Did you recover while on a drug still? I am so scared of the anhedonia. Will I be me again? If someone killed my cats, I wouldn't even care while the old would have been devasted. This is so scary being like this. Just reading all the messages from everyone helps me survive this. 

Gemma, you will be you again.  Please don't worry!  I know it's very hard not to but you're still in there.  Sure you will have learned new things, but there will still be "past you" in there too.  Right now you are in what amounts to an ongoing emergency, so  parts of you get stifled during that.  Once you start coming out the other side of that emergency though, the stifled parts can return.  

 

 

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India
21 hours ago, intothewoods said:

I couldn't agree more. Thanks, @India

 

You're gonna make it Gemma! ❤️💜

Yes, yes. You will find tiny particles of beauty in there somewhere at some point. 

@Gemma92 please have a look at this and show your sister?

https://www.intechopen.com/books/a-multidimensional-approach-to-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-from-theory-to-practice/-growing-from-an-invisible-wound-a-humanistic-existential-approach-to-ptsd

 

Also:

 

https://edition.cnn.com/2012/10/19/health/fish-oil-brain-injuries/index.html

 

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Gemma92
On 12/28/2019 at 1:21 PM, Altostrata said:

Gemma, I highly recommend Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is particularly suited to people overcome by existential dread like yourself.

Thank you Alto, I'll look into it.

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Gemma92
On 12/28/2019 at 10:12 PM, RuuRee said:

Gemma,

 

I know your WD journey has not been easy, but I believe in you. Don’t give up and don’t let WD convince you things won’t get better. They will in time. ❤️
 

6A96A1E2-B2B8-4936-A5D2-1C9643586E71.jpeg

Thank you and that's a very good quote for withdrawal! ❤Because the waves are a sign of healing but they aren't pretty!

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Gemma92
On 12/29/2019 at 1:09 AM, UnfoldingSky said:

Gemma, you will be you again.  Please don't worry!  I know it's very hard not to but you're still in there.  Sure you will have learned new things, but there will still be "past you" in there too.  Right now you are in what amounts to an ongoing emergency, so  parts of you get stifled during that.  Once you start coming out the other side of that emergency though, the stifled parts can return.  

 

 

Thank you! ❤I'll try not worry! Sometimes my family sees the old me in there but I haven't yet. I can't wait to recover my identity! 

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Gemma92

Thank you @intothewoods and thank you @India for all the links! I'll take a look at them tonight! They really help me and keep me distracted! You are a good person to go out of your way and help me when you're suffering yourself! I really appreciate it! ❤ 

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PgadAdam

hi gemma, sorry to not have been here lately but i dont message you during my rough times i wait untill im in a positive mindset since thats when i actually start talking some sense. ive caught up on some of the things you've said in the past week and i noticed we seem to have the same worry, i'm pretty confident we'll both be able to feel love again in the future. i guess we cant rush this since everyone heals at a different pace, we're both still quite young so by the time we've recovered there will be plenty of time left to form new loving relationships. and if its any consolation i do love you ! though i must admit there are other people who have helped you more than me while i wasn't here. i do apologize for that

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Gemma92
On 12/31/2019 at 12:06 AM, PgadAdam said:

hi gemma, sorry to not have been here lately but i dont message you during my rough times i wait untill im in a positive mindset since thats when i actually start talking some sense. ive caught up on some of the things you've said in the past week and i noticed we seem to have the same worry, i'm pretty confident we'll both be able to feel love again in the future. i guess we cant rush this since everyone heals at a different pace, we're both still quite young so by the time we've recovered there will be plenty of time left to form new loving relationships. and if its any consolation i do love you ! though i must admit there are other people who have helped you more than me while i wasn't here. i do apologize for that

Thank you! I'm sorry you were going through a rough time! I am glad you have moments where things get a little better.That's a good sign!

Don't worry about not being able to come on my thread when you're feeling sick. I know how bad it can get when in a wave. I've been in a wave for months without any breaks. 

 

Last night I forced myself to visit my cats and it was the weirdwst thing. I felt nothing for them except for an urge to just kill myself. I have absolutely no connections. I pet them and could hardly feel their fur. I sat with my family and couldn't take the commotion all around me. I tried to participate with playing games but I almost just walked out because I couldn't take it. I just realized how really bad and damaged I really am. I felt like I was watching them from outer space. I don't think I can do that again. It's just too much for me... I am tired of faking it. 

 

I hope you're enjoying the New Year! 🎊🎉I hope this year goes better and we will be able to feel love and connections again! 

 

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icerose87
11 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Last night I forced myself to visit my cats and it was the weirdwst thing. I felt nothing for them except for an urge to just kill myself. I have absolutely no connections. I pet them and could hardly feel their fur. I sat with my family and couldn't take the commotion all around me. I tried to participate with playing games but I almost just walked out because I couldn't take it. I just realized how really bad and damaged I really am. I felt like I was watching them from outer space. I don't think I can do that again. It's just too much for me... I am tired of faking it. 

 

 

 

Isn’t the fact that she was even able to do this a good sign? Isn’t the ability to “fake it” a good sign? 

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PgadAdam
5 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you! I'm sorry you were going through a rough time! I am glad you have moments where things get a little better.That's a good sign!

Don't worry about not being able to come on my thread when you're feeling sick. I know how bad it can get when in a wave. I've been in a wave for months without any breaks. 

 

Last night I forced myself to visit my cats and it was the weirdwst thing. I felt nothing for them except for an urge to just kill myself. I have absolutely no connections. I pet them and could hardly feel their fur. I sat with my family and couldn't take the commotion all around me. I tried to participate with playing games but I almost just walked out because I couldn't take it. I just realized how really bad and damaged I really am. I felt like I was watching them from outer space. I don't think I can do that again. It's just too much for me... I am tired of faking it. 

 

I hope you're enjoying the New Year! 🎊🎉I hope this year goes better and we will be able to feel love and connections again! 

 

yeah i prefer to be alone alot of the time so i dont have to keep faking that im able to experience things the same way others expect me to. i hope you start feeling connected with yourself and others at some point in the new year. <3

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