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Sassenach

Hi Gemma

 

4 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

tried to force myself to watch Youtube but I can't connect with anything I watch. It's like I am a Zombie with no joy or happiness. 

 

You must not force yourself to do anything, you are in W/D and only time will make a difference as you CNS (central nervous system ) begins to stabilise, and it will.

I wish I could tell you when but we all heal in different  ways and it varying rates, but it will happen.

Is there someone at home to help you? ( do not answer if it makes you uncomfortable).

Here are some links to help you understand what is happening to you.

about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable/

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/

dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

acceptance/

 

I understand you are feeling rotten at the moment but if you can complete your drug signature when you feel up to it, that would be a big help.

I realise you have given this info at the bottom of your first post however you signature will appear below every post and allow mods to easily track you progress.

To do this click on small arrow next to your name in top right and select account settings then drug signature.

Remember we are here to help you, even if you just need somewhere to vent.

 

Sassenach

 

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Melissa5000

WOW Gemma, I have no words for what they did to you.

 

It is a very good idea that you stay for a while on 13,5 mg mirtazapine. I really hope you will get some windows soon. 

I am so happy you did not commit suicide. In heavy wthdrawal I had suicidal thoughts myself. It can look like it is never getting better. But with some time it sure will.

 

I gained 30 kilo in 10 months when I got these meds. I lost some of it during my partial taper. Weihgt gain is very common.

 

You are so strong!

 

Take care!

 

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Gemma92
9 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Hi Gemma

 

 

You must not force yourself to do anything, you are in W/D and only time will make a difference as you CNS (central nervous system ) begins to stabilise, and it will.

I wish I could tell you when but we all heal in different  ways and it varying rates, but it will happen.

Is there someone at home to help you? ( do not answer if it makes you uncomfortable).

Here are some links to help you understand what is happening to you.

about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable/

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/

dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

acceptance/

 

I understand you are feeling rotten at the moment but if you can complete your drug signature when you feel up to it, that would be a big help.

I realise you have given this info at the bottom of your first post however you signature will appear below every post and allow mods to easily track you progress.

To do this click on small arrow next to your name in top right and select account settings then drug signature.

Remember we are here to help you, even if you just need somewhere to vent.

 

Sassenach

 

Thanks, I'll try not to overdue it. I'll let my CNS heal without too much commotion. 

 

I have my older sister who is helping me. She measures my Mirtazapine for me every night. Without her, I wouldn't have anybody to help me through this. 

 

How much can I stabalize while holding on Mirtazapine and when will I know when it's time to taper? Sorry for all the questions. 

 

The worst part about this, is that I was already in a severe Lexapro withdrawal which had me bedbound and for 3 months after that, I was drugged up again. It's like now I am more damaged and now have to work harder to heal while in my last withdrawal, it would have been a lot easier. But I know I can't look back. 

 

I'll try to work on my drug signature in the next day or two. Thank you for the directions and thank you for the support! 

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Gemma92
21 minutes ago, Melissa5000 said:

WOW Gemma, I have no words for what they did to you.

 

It is a very good idea that you stay for a while on 13,5 mg mirtazapine. I really hope you will get some windows soon. 

I am so happy you did not commit suicide. In heavy wthdrawal I had suicidal thoughts myself. It can look like it is never getting better. But with some time it sure will.

 

I gained 30 kilo in 10 months when I got these meds. I lost some of it during my partial taper. Weihgt gain is very common.

 

You are so strong!

 

Take care!

 

Thank you, I never knew how strong I was until going through something like this. I hope I get a window soon too! Is it possible to get them while on a drug still? If so, that'll keep me from rushing to get off this drug. 

 

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Cocopuffz17

You got this! I can’t even fathom going through that. You are in good hands here! 

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Sassenach

Hi Gemma

 

14 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

How much can I stabalize while holding on Mirtazapine and when will I know when it's time to taper? Sorry for all the questions.

Please read the link Chessie sent you which will explain.

 

13 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

If so, that'll keep me from rushing to get off this drug.

There is no way to rush this process. We all heal differently and at different speeds, but we do heal.

When you stabilise or even begin to stabilise you will slowly start feeling better.

From there you rebuild and resume your life.

The taper becomes part of your routine.

You are no longer on hold.

 

Sassenach

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Gemma92

I went through and read some of the success stories. Many of them give me hope but I am wondering if anyone can send me a success story from a severe case. I know all cases are pretty severe or they wouldn't have to write a success story but I want to read a person with a major horror story that recovered. 

 

I am also trying to get my signature done. Sorry for the delay. 

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ChessieCat

Shep, one of our moderators, and GiaK.

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ShiningLight

Gemma,

 

I have a mini success story. I'm not off the drugs by a long shot. But I was severely ill from Feb through May of this year. My MD put me on a fast taper and it blew up.

 

My symptoms were:

  • agitation/pacing
  • movement disorder with involuntary chorea
  • sleeplessness
  • frequent thoughts of suicide
  • severe cognitive fog. I would walk to the kitchen and back 3 times before I could even grab some crackers to eat
  • impaired problem solving. I reversed the small hand and the large hand in the clock drawing test
  • word finding difficulty
  • couldn't get out of bed
  • sensitivity to light and noise
  • Easily overstimulated and overwhelmed
  • DR/DP--things just seemed surreal
  • inability to drive
  • chemical sensitivities--caffeine, cleaning chemicals, etc
  • food sensitivities
  • loss of appetite
  • severe hot flashes
  • night sweats
  • chills
  • diarrhea
  • abdominal bloating
  • sunken eyes
  • neuropathic pain: burning hands, cheeks, roof of mouth, inside stomach
  • inability to tolerate heat--caused a lot of muscle twitching
  • terror
  • panic
  • inability to work
  • apathy. Although it was really hard to land my current job and I haven't been there for long, I didn't care if I lost it.
  • paranoia
  • near stupor
  • the sense that what I was going through wasn't survivable, even if I did want to live. At one point I taped a holographic will above my bed

All I could do to get through this was to try to meditate, listen to podcasts (that was the best), and lie in bed. Also I talked to my sister pretty much every day, and texted with her a lot. That was a huge help.

 

This was just a few short months ago! At the present time, I am able to work full time and take care of my dogs. I have energy for about one social activity once a week on top of this, so I'm still limited. But I can work and live a close to normal life (at least on the outside) while still tapering.

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Cocopuffz17
36 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

Gemma,

 

I have a mini success story. I'm not off the drugs by a long shot. But I was severely ill from Feb through May of this year. My MD put me on a fast taper and it blew up.

 

My symptoms were:

  • agitation/pacing
  • movement disorder with involuntary chorea
  • sleeplessness
  • frequent thoughts of suicide
  • severe cognitive fog. I would walk to the kitchen and back 3 times before I could even grab some crackers to eat
  • impaired problem solving. I reversed the small hand and the large hand in the clock drawing test
  • word finding difficulty
  • couldn't get out of bed
  • sensitivity to light and noise
  • Easily overstimulated and overwhelmed
  • DR/DP--things just seemed surreal
  • inability to drive
  • chemical sensitivities--caffeine, cleaning chemicals, etc
  • food sensitivities
  • loss of appetite
  • severe hot flashes
  • night sweats
  • chills
  • diarrhea
  • abdominal bloating
  • sunken eyes
  • neuropathic pain: burning hands, cheeks, roof of mouth, inside stomach
  • inability to tolerate heat--caused a lot of muscle twitching
  • terror
  • panic
  • inability to work
  • apathy. Although it was really hard to land my current job and I haven't been there for long, I didn't care if I lost it.
  • paranoia
  • near stupor
  • the sense that what I was going through wasn't survivable, even if I did want to live. At one point I taped a holographic will above my bed

All I could do to get through this was to try to meditate, listen to podcasts (that was the best), and lie in bed. Also I talked to my sister pretty much every day, and texted with her a lot. That was a huge help.

 

This was just a few short months ago! At the present time, I am able to work full time and take care of my dogs. I have energy for about one social activity once a week on top of this, so I'm still limited. But I can work and live a close to normal life (at least on the outside) while still tapering.

Woohoo, that’s great! Up and onward! 

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Leo1983

Gemma could you share your drug history.

 

Thanks. 

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Leo1983

Apologies i see its in your intro.

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Gemma92
6 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Gemma,

 

I have a mini success story. I'm not off the drugs by a long shot. But I was severely ill from Feb through May of this year. My MD put me on a fast taper and it blew up.

Thank you for sharing your story and your symptoms with me. I am glad things calmed down for you after just a few months. You had some pretty scary symptoms. I am glad you had your sister to help distract you through it.

 

It's been almost 6 months since the so called doctors kept drugging me up and switching me around on drugs like crazy. I am still waiting for that window. 

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Gemma92
7 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Shep, one of our moderators, and GiaK.

Thanks, I'll check their stories out! 

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Gemma92

I have a concern about my homemade liquid of Mirtazapine. What if the measurements aren't always exact? My sister does her best and I know she gets it pretty accurate but what if it gets a little off? Can I still stabalize? 

 

And it seems like the top drugs people have issues with are all the ones my idiot doctors kindled me on. Lexapro, Ativan, Zyprexa and Mirtazapine. Lexapro is the strongest SSRI I read. Ativan is a pretty strong benzo compared to Valium. Zyprexa causes health problems and has horrfic withdrawal. And Mirtazapine is activating. I think my doctors were trying to kill my honestly. My paranoia is up right now.

 

I shouldn't be complaining like this. I need to stay positive but it's so hard when the hope part of my brain is gone. 😢

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

Gemma could you share your drug history.

 

Thanks. 

My sister is going to help me with my drug signature. Sorry for the delay. 

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Gemma92

Current symptoms:

-My brain is burning and it feels like there's air bubbles ready to pop in it. There's also intense pressure.

-My left arm tickles

-I feel overheated

-My gag reflex is crazy

-I have dark circles under my eyes

-The terror and psychotic feelings are extreme. 

-I have suicidal thoughts and urges.

-I feel 90 years old

 

I read about people kindling for 2 years and they can still go to work. I became bedbound after only being on a drug for a mere 2 months. Then was kindled for 8 months after that. I am thinking the 5 different class of antibiotics plays a major role in this. 

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Leo1983

Gemma just some advice.

 

I know its scary, i know because i have been there and done it. Im still doing it!

 

You need to try and slow down, slow your mind. 

 

Think about the situation your in and what you need to do. what can help etc. You need to read all the material, success stories, blogs etc. Baylissa Frederick and Michael Priebe on youtube is a good start.

 

You need to plan your journey with all the info you read and watch. 

 

Then you need to evaluate your plan.... Is what im doing working? do i change anything? etc.

 

Most of all Accept were you are now and that you will heal and come out of this a rock!

 

Good luck.

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Leo1983

All the symptoms you have just listed i had also.

 

The most scary was the suicidal thoughts on waking.... IT GOES AWAY! Just it takes time.

 

The head pressure, numb dumb feeling is a nasty 1 also. I had that and still do sometimes. But i read its the last to go for most..... The Anhedonia feeling..

 

I had all your symptoms plus many more. They have settled.... 

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Sassenach

Are you still on antibiotics, if not when and what did you take last?

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Gemma92
13 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Are you still on antibiotics, if not when and what did you take last?

Im not on them anymore. My last one was in February. I'm not sure what they gave me. It was through an injection and they also put me on steroids for 2 days. They thought I had PANDAS and tried to treat it but it was really withdrawal all along

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Gemma92
20 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

All the symptoms you have just listed i had also.

 

The most scary was the suicidal thoughts on waking.... IT GOES AWAY! Just it takes time.

 

The head pressure, numb dumb feeling is a nasty 1 also. I had that and still do sometimes. But i read its the last to go for most..... The Anhedonia feeling..

 

I had all your symptoms plus many more. They have settled.... 

I am glad to hear that they settled for you. I hate the suicdal stuff so bad too. I feel crazy and just want to hide in a corner. I was so bad the one say that I hid under my bed. And I roll on the floor screaming and crying. 

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Gemma92
27 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

Gemma just some advice.

 

I know its scary, i know because i have been there and done it. Im still doing it!

 

You need to try and slow down, slow your mind. 

 

Think about the situation your in and what you need to do. what can help etc. You need to read all the material, success stories, blogs etc. Baylissa Frederick and Michael Priebe on youtube is a good start.

 

You need to plan your journey with all the info you read and watch. 

 

Then you need to evaluate your plan.... Is what im doing working? do i change anything? etc.

 

Most of all Accept were you are now and that you will heal and come out of this a rock!

 

Good luck.

Thank you for the help. You are so right. I need to slow my mind down...But to this day I regret going back on more drugs because I was already in a horrfic withdrawal that kept me bedbound and so sick. I was then put on more drugs for 3 more months. And now my withdrawal doesn't feel like how it did before those drugs. It scares me.

But I'll try and do as you suggested and watch Baylissa and Michael on Youtube. 

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Leo1983

Yes i know bless you. 

 

I had to ring a crisis team, when my wd as i did not know what was wrong with me. 

 

I ended up having home treatment for 2 weeks. Thinking i was crazy loopy crazy. However it was the GP that caused it in the first place. 

 

Going on meds for a situational anxiety has caused me years of suffering. Its a disgrace.

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Leo1983

Gemma most people who go into wd end up on more and more meds. 

 

Also there are people who have had ECT and meds for 30 years. 

 

What about people in wd who reinstate drugs? are they kindling themselves?

 

My point is there are people with way more drug history than you, who go on to heal..... 

Read PUGS success story.

 

Years on the same med and then CT. Then on prozac for 3 month CT. 

 

He healed. 

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Gemma92
23 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

Yes i know bless you. 

 

I had to ring a crisis team, when my wd as i did not know what was wrong with me. 

 

I ended up having home treatment for 2 weeks. Thinking i was crazy loopy crazy. However it was the GP that caused it in the first place. 

 

Going on meds for a situational anxiety has caused me years of suffering. Its a disgrace.

I agree it's a disgrace. I also went on for anxiety. I would do anything to get back those normal human feelings and emotions. Nothing compares to the unnatural neuro emotions from withdrawal... 

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Gemma92
4 minutes ago, Leo1983 said:

Gemma most people who go into wd end up on more and more meds. 

 

Also there are people who have had ECT and meds for 30 years. 

 

What about people in wd who reinstate drugs? are they kindling themselves?

 

My point is there are people with way more drug history than you, who go on to heal..... 

Read PUGS success story.

 

Years on the same med and then CT. Then on prozac for 3 month CT. 

 

He healed. 

You're right. If they can heal after being polydrugged for years then I can after being drugged/kindled for just 1 year. I'll go check out PUGS story. Thanks! 

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ShiningLight

Oh yes, I'm sorry. I know your situation is far worse. The reason why I said a few months for me is because I wanted you to know that in the depths of despair it feels like forever; symptom severity doesn't necessarily determine symptom length. That's what I was getting at. I was trying to give you hope.

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Gemma92
4 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Oh yes, I'm sorry. I know your situation is far worse. The reason why I said a few months for me is because I wanted you to know that in the depths of despair it feels like forever; symptom severity doesn't necessarily determine symptom length. That's what I was getting at. I was trying to give you hope.

Thank you, you did give me hope. It keeps me going. ❤

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Gemma92

If Mirtazapine was giving me adverse effects or a paradoxial effect, what are the signs and symptoms to look for? My symptom patterns do not change after I take it other than when it used to give me RLS but now it doesn't anymore. Sorry for so many questions. 

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ShiningLight

I'm familiar with this med. Mirtazepine is usually sedating, so a paradoxical reaction would involve agitation, restlessness, or feeling very alert or wide awake. 

 

Adverse reaction is more broad...could be many things.

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Gemma92
10 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

I'm familiar with this med. Mirtazepine is usually sedating, so a paradoxical reaction would involve agitation, restlessness, or feeling very alert or wide awake. 

 

Adverse reaction is more broad...could be many things.

Would I know if it was hurting me by staying on it? 

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ShiningLight

Listen to the mods. They give excellent advice.

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ShiningLight

Don't overthink your meds right now. Very easy to do that when you're under so much distress. It's very easy to think 'If only I made the right change I'd be better.' Very hard to accept feeling helpless (you're not! Though it feels that way!!!). So the mind gets cookin' and trying to figure out a solution. That's a natural response but not helpful in this situation. 

 

What is helpful is to try to let go and accept where you are right now. See if you can soften to yourself and feel some compassion towards yourself.

 

Symptoms mean your brain is trying to heal. It's noticing that things have changed. That's a necessary step in rewiring itself.

 

I know it's impossible, but try to limit your energy feeling strong emotions and expressing distress by crying for such a long time. Your brain needs this energy to heal. 

 

Try to be in the moment. Someone posted Michael Healy YouTube Free yourself from overthinking. It's WONDERFUL. The best thing you can do right now is stuff like that, in my opinion.

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Gemma92
12 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Don't overthink your meds right now. Very easy to do that when you're under so much distress. It's very easy to think 'If only I made the right change I'd be better.' Very hard to accept feeling helpless (you're not! Though it feels that way!!!). So the mind gets cookin' and trying to figure out a solution. That's a natural response but not helpful in this situation. 

 

What is helpful is to try to let go and accept where you are right now. See if you can soften to yourself and feel some compassion towards yourself.

 

Symptoms mean your brain is trying to heal. It's noticing that things have changed. That's a necessary step in rewiring itself.

 

I know it's impossible, but try to limit your energy feeling strong emotions and expressing distress by crying for such a long time. Your brain needs this energy to heal. 

 

Try to be in the moment. Someone posted Michael Healy YouTube Free yourself from overthinking. It's WONDERFUL. The best thing you can do right now is stuff like that, in my opinion.

Thank you. I'll my best not to cry so much. I'll give me brain the rest it needs to heal. Can too much crying make the damage worse or just prevent faster healing? I am also trying to keep toxic people out of my life. I still need to change my diet. I am getting McDonald's today and I know I shouldn't. 

 

Thank you so much for all the advice! I will watch his videos. Can I make an appointment with him over skype if you know? 

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