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Zans
14 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you! I'm sorry you were going through a rough time! I am glad you have moments where things get a little better.That's a good sign!

Don't worry about not being able to come on my thread when you're feeling sick. I know how bad it can get when in a wave. I've been in a wave for months without any breaks. 

 

Last night I forced myself to visit my cats and it was the weirdwst thing. I felt nothing for them except for an urge to just kill myself. I have absolutely no connections. I pet them and could hardly feel their fur. I sat with my family and couldn't take the commotion all around me. I tried to participate with playing games but I almost just walked out because I couldn't take it. I just realized how really bad and damaged I really am. I felt like I was watching them from outer space. I don't think I can do that again. It's just too much for me... I am tired of faking it. 

 

I hope you're enjoying the New Year! 🎊🎉I hope this year goes better and we will be able to feel love and connections again! 

 

Multiple posts back you wrote that you've been screaming and staying in your room so it looks like a step forward, even though small as it is ☺

 

I'd really advice you again start walking outside. Fresh air and moving slowly will benefit you even if you don't see a point. It should definitely speed up healing more then video games or simply being inside house all the time. 

 

Once I started to force myself go out my overall condition improved immensely. I've felt suicidal first week but now I occassionally feel joy ☺

 

Don't give up!

 

 

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Gemma92
20 hours ago, PgadAdam said:

yeah i prefer to be alone alot of the time so i dont have to keep faking that im able to experience things the same way others expect me to. i hope you start feeling connected with yourself and others at some point in the new year. ❤️

Thank you ☺

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Gemma92
12 hours ago, Zans said:

Multiple posts back you wrote that you've been screaming and staying in your room so it looks like a step forward, even though small as it is ☺

 

I'd really advice you again start walking outside. Fresh air and moving slowly will benefit you even if you don't see a point. It should definitely speed up healing more then video games or simply being inside house all the time. 

 

Once I started to force myself go out my overall condition improved immensely. I've felt suicidal first week but now I occassionally feel joy ☺

 

Don't give up!

 

 

Thank you, I hope it's a good sign that I don't scream everyday anymore. Even though the past couple of days I have been. I'll try to go outside more often. It's just so hard when I have constant psychotic thoughts and suicidal urges 24/7. I am scared I am going to go completely psychotic and end up in a hospital again. It just seems like it's getting worse. It used to be sheer terror but it turned into the psychotic terror. And my brain brain still burns. The akathisia still gets pretty bad on top of it. 

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PgadAdam
6 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you, I hope it's a good sign that I don't scream everyday anymore. Even though the past couple of days I have been. I'll try to go outside more often. It's just so hard when I have constant psychotic thoughts and suicidal urges 24/7. I am scared I am going to go completely psychotic and end up in a hospital again. It just seems like it's getting worse. It used to be sheer terror but it turned into the psychotic terror. And my brain brain still burns. The akathisia still gets pretty bad on top of it. 

i get the brain burning too, for some reason it's triggered by stress or when i attempt to express emotion. i think its neuropathy

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Erell
18 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you, I hope it's a good sign that I don't scream everyday anymore. 

It is a good sign dear Gemma !

 

Go outside everytime you can, falling,even just for a few minutes, is good for your CNS. You can do this ❤

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India
On 1/2/2020 at 5:38 PM, Gemma92 said:

Thank you ☺

Sometimes being alone is a way to protect ourselves and our nervous systems. It can be healing.

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Gemma92

Thanks for the link, @India I'm in a nasty wave and will read it a little later. ☺

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Gemma92

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I continue to deteriorate. My neck was spasming today and I'm afraid it's TD. I feel so psychotic and so unhuman that I just want to die. I've been holdong for 3 months now and the akathisia is just getting worse. The 15 to 11mg cut hit me like a truck. There's no way I can come back from this. My body is completely numb and my no taste or smell is getting worse. My brain burns more and more. I am so far from who I once was. I have no personality. 

It just doesn't seem fair that others can do the same amoumt or even more damage than me and yet they're not complete vegetables. I mean I am glad they're not but why am I!? I see myself dead in the near future. I am so unstable that I am borderline psychotic. I get no windows. I used to but ever since an antipsychotic got involved, I lost them. I used to get cold chills but now I feel no cold or hot at all! I am numb to everything! I was CTed from too many potent drugs.I would write more but I am in a huge massive tsunami within my severe waves....

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PgadAdam
59 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I continue to deteriorate. My neck was spasming today and I'm afraid it's TD. I feel so psychotic and so unhuman that I just want to die. I've been holdong for 3 months now and the akathisia is just getting worse. The 15 to 11mg cut hit me like a truck. There's no way I can come back from this. My body is completely numb and my no taste or smell is getting worse. My brain burns more and more. I am so far from who I once was. I have no personality. 

It just doesn't seem fair that others can do the same amoumt or even more damage than me and yet they're not complete vegetables. I mean I am glad they're not but why am I!? I see myself dead in the near future. I am so unstable that I am borderline psychotic. I get no windows. I used to but ever since an antipsychotic got involved, I lost them. I used to get cold chills but now I feel no cold or hot at all! I am numb to everything! I was CTed from too many potent drugs.I would write more but I am in a huge massive tsunami within my severe waves....

try look at the bigger picture, you might have improvement once your brain has adjusted to not having the drugs in your system. you know it'll be a slow process but i think it's worth fighting for as long as you physically can. not saying we'll fully recover but i have seen alot of success stories who say they are 80% or 90% healed. partial recovery seems to be common because of neuroplasticity. im sorry that you're suffering so much but im suffering right here with you

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India
16 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I continue to deteriorate. My neck was spasming today and I'm afraid it's TD. I feel so psychotic and so unhuman that I just want to die. I've been holdong for 3 months now and the akathisia is just getting worse. The 15 to 11mg cut hit me like a truck. There's no way I can come back from this. My body is completely numb and my no taste or smell is getting worse. My brain burns more and more. I am so far from who I once was. I have no personality. 

It just doesn't seem fair that others can do the same amoumt or even more damage than me and yet they're not complete vegetables. I mean I am glad they're not but why am I!? I see myself dead in the near future. I am so unstable that I am borderline psychotic. I get no windows. I used to but ever since an antipsychotic got involved, I lost them. I used to get cold chills but now I feel no cold or hot at all! I am numb to everything! I was CTed from too many potent drugs.I would write more but I am in a huge massive tsunami within my severe waves....

It took me 6 months to stabilise from 6mg to 5.4mg. Also, I now see how any stress can severely impact my symptoms. I also had to start to view myself like a cancer patient fighting for survival, like my mum did. She changed everything about her life and she credits Vidymala Burch's Mindfullness helped with her long term chronic pain and change of circumstance. I found that things got worse before they got better ( for windows), and windows won't yet be fully recovered!!! Fully feelings of health will come later. I do understand taht sometimes it is impossible to get out. I would be in bed for 5 days straight but then I did find that being in nature after months and months and months started to trigger tiny beads of emotion and reality. I also watched alot of brain injury talks because it is a kind of brain injury. I know how every hour can be a battle to survive. I know you have been poly-drugged and I know this is the hardest fight of your life. I tend to make progress when I try to let go of the 'health' I so long and grieve for and find the tiny bits of healing. I really think looking at art books, talking, therapy ( you could do skype therapy), deep breathing and keeping yourself in a tranquil ( if that needs to be solitary) space to keep nervous system calm-- convalesence. Don't have emotional conversations.

I remember reading OSHO once. He says someithing like, don't resist the depression- let it come. Secondary suffering others call it. I still battle, even though I am not as acute as I was ( except for this week when I had a big setback) but now there are some things I am able to do through the haze. I also know that part of recovery was having someone I could express all my rage, fear, suicidal feelings and grief. I needed to go around and and around ( and still do sometimes) to get it all out. ALso, that not feeling human is something a lot of people have expereinced and recovered from.

 

I do believe there is a future for you Gemma. I feel very angry for you and for everyone here that has been exposed to this but we are all togehter fighting this battle.

 

p.s if any of us in WD went near a conventiional psychiatrist now we'd all get a 'psychotic diagnosis'. Psychosis is just extreme stress. They can induce it in the miltary. Everyone's brain is in a HIGH HIGH stress state and it''s the drugs that have caused it.. not you. Eventually your brain will rebalance.

 

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TurkeyCold
6 hours ago, India said:

It took me 6 months to stabilise from 6mg to 5.4mg. Also, I now see how any stress can severely impact my symptoms. I also had to start to view myself like a cancer patient fighting for survival, like my mum did. She changed everything about her life and she credits Vidymala Burch's Mindfullness helped with her long term chronic pain and change of circumstance. I found that things got worse before they got better ( for windows), and windows won't yet be fully recovered!!! Fully feelings of health will come later. I do understand taht sometimes it is impossible to get out. I would be in bed for 5 days straight but then I did find that being in nature after months and months and months started to trigger tiny beads of emotion and reality. I also watched alot of brain injury talks because it is a kind of brain injury. I know how every hour can be a battle to survive. I know you have been poly-drugged and I know this is the hardest fight of your life. I tend to make progress when I try to let go of the 'health' I so long and grieve for and find the tiny bits of healing. I really think looking at art books, talking, therapy ( you could do skype therapy), deep breathing and keeping yourself in a tranquil ( if that needs to be solitary) space to keep nervous system calm-- convalesence. Don't have emotional conversations.

I remember reading OSHO once. He says someithing like, don't resist the depression- let it come. Secondary suffering others call it. I still battle, even though I am not as acute as I was ( except for this week when I had a big setback) but now there are some things I am able to do through the haze. I also know that part of recovery was having someone I could express all my rage, fear, suicidal feelings and grief. I needed to go around and and around ( and still do sometimes) to get it all out. ALso, that not feeling human is something a lot of people have expereinced and recovered from.

 

I do believe there is a future for you Gemma. I feel very angry for you and for everyone here that has been exposed to this but we are all togehter fighting this battle.

 

p.s if any of us in WD went near a conventiional psychiatrist now we'd all get a 'psychotic diagnosis'. Psychosis is just extreme stress. They can induce it in the miltary. Everyone's brain is in a HIGH HIGH stress state and it''s the drugs that have caused it.. not you. Eventually your brain will rebalance.

 

What an honest and precious post, thank you very much for that! 

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Elyssa143

Hi @Gemma92

I wanted to stop by and give you a virtual hug. I too am struggling but slowly painfully healing. But I can relate to what your feeling. We have to hang in there our bodies know how to heal. I understand what your saying and how you feel. I was horrific. Now 22 months later i still struggle very much but i am not as horrific as i was! We will get there.❣

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PgadAdam
24 minutes ago, Elyssa143 said:

Hi @Gemma92

I wanted to stop by and give you a virtual hug. I too am struggling but slowly painfully healing. But I can relate to what your feeling. We have to hang in there our bodies know how to heal. I understand what your saying and how you feel. I was horrific. Now 22 months later i still struggle very much but i am not as horrific as i was! We will get there.❣

thank you for your kind words towards gemma, it's a rather good feeling knowing she's met so many people on here who truly care about her wellbeing. im sure her symptoms will begin to ease with time. she'll respond to everyone when shes feeling better, currently going through a bad wave.

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Elyssa143

@PgadAdam i definitely definitely definitely understand! As I am too! But one day, we will all get there! Time is the ultimate healer, as irritating as that is, its true. ❣🙏

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India
On 1/6/2020 at 11:09 PM, TurkeyCold said:

What an honest and precious post, thank you very much for that! 

Thank you. It was from the heart. 

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India

@Gemma92 How are you?

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India

@icerose87 how is @Gemma92? Did she get a chance to read our messages?

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icerose87

Gemma is ok. She’s taking a break from posting on here. I think she reads the posts sometimes but doesn’t always have the energy to respond.

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Elyssa143

@icerose87 I completely understand and sometimes is best . Sending her lots of love and light and healing energy. she is not alone, although i know that doesnt help when we are struggling. She will heal, we will all heal.  Hugs to her and you for being there for her.❣

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boymom
On 12/4/2019 at 9:18 PM, Gemma92 said:

Thank you, I hope tomorrow will better too. And when I get that first partial window, I won't have to worry anymore. I will alert the group as soon as it happens! 😊

gemma will you please tell me your mental symptoms. i don't know if i can endure theses 

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Zans

How are you miss? ☺

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India

@Gemma92 How are you?

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Zans

@icerose87 how is your sis? Any improvements?

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icerose87
2 hours ago, Zans said:

@icerose87 how is your sis? Any improvements?

Hi. She’s about the same. The intensity sometimes dies down, but symptoms never leave or change. She mentions a lot about her burning brain, psychotic feelings, numb body, and anhedonia. She cut her Mirtazapine from 11 mg to 10.5 mg.

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India
On 3/12/2020 at 7:44 PM, icerose87 said:

Hi. She’s about the same. The intensity sometimes dies down, but symptoms never leave or change. She mentions a lot about her burning brain, psychotic feelings, numb body, and anhedonia. She cut her Mirtazapine from 11 mg to 10.5 mg.

It’s terrible to know how slow a process this is to heal for many. I hold onto the fact recovery seems to happen slowly over years but does happen eventually. My progress is very very slow. But many make slow progress and then speed up..

I think of @Gemma92 many here do i’m sure.. and we are all on this journey together..

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pinkfairy

@Gemma92

Hi,I have just been reading your thread and I am so truly sorry for what you are enduring right now. I have been there. I understand the depth and intensity this can get to. But you have to hold on to hope as a life raft. Every single symptom is you’re nervous system healing. 
All the pain all the heart ache and utter sorrow is the actual healing. 

I couldn’t see the bigger picture at all,I couldn’t see the next step even. But everything right now is working in your favour. It doesn’t feel like it but the universe as got your back. 
A wound when cut bleeds and gets extremely sore as the healing is taking place around that area. It’s the same for our cns we just can’t see it. We only can feel it.

No storms last forever. This is one horrendous chapter. But it does end. I didn’t believe it I thought my life was over. It’s just beginning. 
you have to hold on with everything you have got. Grab as many coping skills as you can,distract and accept (this one is a hard one) but it’s a game changer.

I promise you no matter how far gone you think you have gone.Or how lost you are.

Its only when we lose our selfs can we find our selfs. 
you keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. Just take it 5 minutes at a time if needs be.
 

This is double totally. Breathe and then breathe some more. 
This is a warriors journey.. I was once handed a box of darkness for many years.

But little did I know there’s treasures to be found in there it was a gift.

 

take care and treat your self like a newborn baby.

you matter ❤️
pink

 

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Zans

@pinkfairy

Epic words!

 

Hope you're doing at least slightly better @Gemma92

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pinkfairy

@Zansthank you 

 

Keep holding on @Gemma92❤️

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