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Gemma92

I feel like I have a psychopath mindset because of the anhedonia. My love for animals is gone. I hope it returns soon! I miss me! 

 

Current symptoms:

1. Severe head pressure

2. Anhedonia

3. Terror and fear

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Cocopuffz17
22 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you. I'll my best not to cry so much. I'll give me brain the rest it needs to heal. Can too much crying make the damage worse or just prevent faster healing? I am also trying to keep toxic people out of my life. I still need to change my diet. I am getting McDonald's today and I know I shouldn't. 

 

Thank you so much for all the advice! I will watch his videos. Can I make an appointment with him over skype if you know? 

Yea, diet is a huge factor. Every time my symptoms have spiked it is due to either liquor or fast food. Be strong, you can do it. Even if you slowly reduce your unhealthy food. You don’t have to do it all at once. Essentially a taper of unhealthy foods to healthy foods. 

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ShiningLight
4 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thank you. I'll my best not to cry so much. I'll give me brain the rest it needs to heal. Can too much crying make the damage worse or just prevent faster healing

 

I wouldn't take it that literally. It's kind of like, just save your energy where you can. If crying helps do it. 

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Leo1983
4 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I feel like I have a psychopath mindset because of the anhedonia. My love for animals is gone. I hope it returns soon! I miss me! 

 

Current symptoms:

1. Severe head pressure

2. Anhedonia

3. Terror and fear

 

Yeh i still get this in waves. Its awful. But it does lower very slowly and becomes easier to manage.

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Leo1983
1 minute ago, Leo1983 said:

hope it returns soon! I miss me! 

 

I think everyone in this mess thinks this daily. 

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Gemma92
9 hours ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

Yea, diet is a huge factor. Every time my symptoms have spiked it is due to either liquor or fast food. Be strong, you can do it. Even if you slowly reduce your unhealthy food. You don’t have to do it all at once. Essentially a taper of unhealthy foods to healthy foods. 

Yeah you are right with the symptoms ramping up. The fast food was a huge mistake. I am now suffering horrendously because of it. I'll make sure I don't do that again. 

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Cocopuffz17
10 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Yeah you are right with the symptoms ramping up. The fast food was a huge mistake. I am now suffering horrendously because of it. I'll make sure I don't do that again. 

Yea, sometimes ya learn the hard way. I definitely did that. Processed fast food is high in lectins and cause GI distress. More and more research is pointing to the fact that putting these in your body destroy your gut wall and wreak havoc on our bodies, as well as reduce the amount of serotonin our “good” bacteria create, because they are being overran with bad bacteria. You got this though! 

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Gemma92

Thanks for the help everyone. Please forgive me if I become repetitive. My brain is just not doing good. It's taking my hope away from me. 

 

Right now my symptoms are: 

-Burning brain/head pressure

-Gagging from the head pain to the point of almost throwing up.

-Terror and horror is back at full force

-suicidal thoughts and urges ---very intense

-tickling in my left arm

-Intrusive thoughts and memories.

-sore and burning throat

-swollen lymph nodes

-bad taste in my mouth

 

I know I am not supposed to look back on the regrets but I regret ever taking Mirtazapine and Zyprexa to combat the horror of the withdrawal I was already in. I was on 16+drugs if you count the antibiotics... I am worried the burning brain is a sign of serious neuron and nerve damage. I am beginning to think I may have neurotoxicity. How can I even be this severe when I was only on the Lexapro for 2 months!? I kindled for 7 more months after that though... But this just does not seems fair to me that some people can CT after years and they are just fine. That Penicilln I was on must have interacted with the Lexapro CT and made things 10 times worse. Because the first withdrawal was horrfic. If I only would have known what I know now.

 

My concern for tonight is that my withdrawal felt different and more like a withdrawal after the Lexapro CT. I had windows and typical bad symptoms but now I feel so sick after I kindled on more drugs. I feel so disabled. 

 

Can too much kindling cause permanent damage? You guys are going to hate me for this post... You are all trying your best to help me through this but I can't stop these concerns... I may be the worst case you have seen on this site. For a short-term user anyway. 😞

 

 

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Gemma92
3 minutes ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

Yea, sometimes ya learn the hard way. I definitely did that. Processed fast food is high in lectins and cause GI distress. More and more research is pointing to the fact that putting these in your body destroy your gut wall and wreak havoc on our bodies, as well as reduce the amount of serotonin our “good” bacteria create, because they are being overran with bad bacteria. You got this though! 

Thanks! That's very interesting because I worked at McDonald's for 11 years and ate the food there almost everyday on my breaks. It sure sounds like I have to repair my gut! 

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Cocopuffz17
3 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Thanks! That's very interesting because I worked at McDonald's for 11 years and ate the food there almost everyday on my breaks. It sure sounds like I have to repair my gut! 

Yep! I never believed it myself till I did it personally. I watched autoimmune disease reverse, food sensitivities disappear and the ability to come off my AD(although I am still having WD, but even being this far is beyond my wildest dreams). Just remember things get harder before they get better! 

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Leo1983

Depending upon the drugs and doses, neurotoxic effects may occur during or shortly after treatment or months to years following treatment. Effects that develop early often resolve on their own.

 

 

 

Hi Gemma, not to say you have neurotoxic damage. However heres a piece of info i found. 

 

Yours started early right!

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Gemma92
2 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

Depending upon the drugs and doses, neurotoxic effects may occur during or shortly after treatment or months to years following treatment. Effects that develop early often resolve on their own.

 

 

 

Hi Gemma, not to say you have neurotoxic damage. However heres a piece of info i found. 

 

Yours started early right!

Thank you for the information. I am terrified that the Mirtazapine is only harming me and that I won't ever get stable on it. Neurotoxicity scares me. There is a whole group on facebook and some people who have been kindled are in that group. 

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Gemma92
3 hours ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

Yep! I never believed it myself till I did it personally. I watched autoimmune disease reverse, food sensitivities disappear and the ability to come off my AD(although I am still having WD, but even being this far is beyond my wildest dreams). Just remember things get harder before they get better! 

Thanks, I hope things will get better for me too. 

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Gemma92

Current symptoms:

-Severe mental torment. I feel like I was always crazy like this.

-Crying spells. Mostly because I lost the ability to love my family and my cats.

 

I was bedbound just after 3 months of this. I lost so much weight and was so so so sick. That's when I was forced on more drugs so I'd eat. Does kindling ever become permanent? I was poisoned for 1 year straight. I want to heal so bad. I want to love my cats again. I want to beat Big Pharma! But how can I if I did too much damage!? How many members on here have been to the ER a dozen times and the psych ward 5 times? How many scream and roll on the floor for hours...? 😭 What if this is the new me? 

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ShiningLight

You are torturing yourself because you don’t have your usual ability to cope or reason. It sucks. You have to try to comfort yourself, but you don’t have the full ability to do that at the moment. The fact that you are so fixated on the Remeron itself is a symptom of withdrawal. Your emotions are very heightened right now. Just try to take it on faith what people on this site are telling you.

The fact that there’s movement and change in your symptoms signals that there’s an active process going on. Sometimes you have some symptoms, and sometimes you have others. Your brain is turning on and off things while it is remapping other things.

Look up the story of Laura Delano on YouTube. She had horrific withdrawal symptoms and came out the other side. She too was hospitalized.

Try to see if you can get a little mental distance from what’s going on with you. As others have said, become curious about it. Observe it. Narrate it for yourself. “Oh, there’s those pesky suicidal thoughts again.” Try not to assign any meaning to your symptoms (ie ‘Is this the new normal?’). Your symptoms are neurological phenomena. That’s it. They don’t mean anything about who you are as a person. It’s just a neurological hiccup. Involuntary. You don’t think hiccups make you a bad person or mean things about your future, do you? Same thing with brain symptoms.  

I try to remind myself when I feel a desperate urgency to get off these drugs now, that for a long time, it was totally acceptable to me to be on these drugs for life. Why is it all of the sudden an emergency for me to get off? It’s not. It feels like one because all of the sudden I’ve become aware of what they are doing. But the truth is, for decades I thought it was acceptable—desirable even—to change my brain function. Better living through psychopharmacology, I used to say.

As far as what these drugs do in the brain, I find it more helpful to think of them as “perturbing brain function” than as “neurotoxins.” They change brain function. We have to work to change it back.

Hang in there, Gemma. The fact that you’ve resisted making any drug changes is a testament to your strength.

Maybe you could spend a little time petting your cats, even if you don't feel love for them right now. That can be calming.

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Glosmom

Gemma.....I am so very sorry for your suffering.  ShiningLight's words are full of wisdom... Also check out Erer's story. She was severely kindled and was able to feel better after holding and then slow tapering. She is still tapering but she has reported she feels much better from the days where she was struggling so much.

 

I know my daughter was only on one med and you want hope from people who were on multiple meds and were kindled and now feel better. However, if even one med can cause issues and a person can feel better.....it can happen for a person who was/is on 2 or 3 or more. 

 

Glo has a dog and several animals in a barn she has access to.  She didn't want anything to do with her dog for the longest time.  She did not want to go to the barn to see her cat.  Just yesterday, she took a 17 minute walk which included a stop at the Barn.  There sat, Simona, her cat. I picked her up and Glo pet her, kissed her and said...'awwww, Simona'   She also now pets and plays with her dog again.  It took awhile, but her feelings have come back for her pets. Yours will too!!  You can do this.   It will pass....just find comfort in anything you can.   Sending many healing thoughts your way. Glosmom

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Heal95

Gemma don’t lose hope on your healing. I am also kindled and although the improvements are small they are happening. I’m 23 and it’s still not easy but I know it’s not always going to be like this and you need to believe it too. I’ve seen countless stories online of people who were kindled and hospitalised and they do get better. The mental torment is really terrible but try try try to distract whatever way you can. Be kind to yourself, something horrific has happened but you have an amazing amount of courage to have got through what you have. This is the beginning of your journey to healing so it is going to be the tough part. You are strong and you can and will get through this. Don’t give up hope, because hope is what is going to keep you going. This isn’t permanent. Eat as healthy as you can, rest, avoid stimulants like coffee, walk 30 mins a day if you can manage, have your meals in the garden, watch happy videos on YouTube, colour, listen to something soothing on YouTube. I really recommend the bloom in wellness videos by Baylissa. 

When im feeling like I can’t take it I listen to this. 

  

please be strong. You will heal please believe you will. You are so strong. 

Your emotions are valid. Your anger your sadness. You have been through a lot but realise that no matter how long the road to recovery is, it will happen and you can walk it. 

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Gemma92
On 8/24/2019 at 10:50 AM, ShiningLight said:

You are torturing yourself because you don’t have your usual ability to cope or reason. It sucks. You have to try to comfort yourself, but you don’t have the full ability to do that at the moment. The fact that you are so fixated on the Remeron itself is a symptom of withdrawal. Your emotions are very heightened right now. Just try to take it on faith what people on this site are telling you.

 

The fact that there’s movement and change in your symptoms signals that there’s an active process going on. Sometimes you have some symptoms, and sometimes you have others. Your brain is turning on and off things while it is remapping other things.

 

Look up the story of Laura Delano on YouTube. She had horrific withdrawal symptoms and came out the other side. She too was hospitalized.

 

Try to see if you can get a little mental distance from what’s going on with you. As others have said, become curious about it. Observe it. Narrate it for yourself. “Oh, there’s those pesky suicidal thoughts again.” Try not to assign any meaning to your symptoms (ie ‘Is this the new normal?’). Your symptoms are neurological phenomena. That’s it. They don’t mean anything about who you are as a person. It’s just a neurological hiccup. Involuntary. You don’t think hiccups make you a bad person or mean things about your future, do you? Same thing with brain symptoms.  

 

I try to remind myself when I feel a desperate urgency to get off these drugs now, that for a long time, it was totally acceptable to me to be on these drugs for life. Why is it all of the sudden an emergency for me to get off? It’s not. It feels like one because all of the sudden I’ve become aware of what they are doing. But the truth is, for decades I thought it was acceptable—desirable even—to change my brain function. Better living through psychopharmacology, I used to say.

 

As far as what these drugs do in the brain, I find it more helpful to think of them as “perturbing brain function” than as “neurotoxins.” They change brain function. We have to work to change it back.

 

Hang in there, Gemma. The fact that you’ve resisted making any drug changes is a testament to your strength.

Maybe you could spend a little time petting your cats, even if you don't feel love for them right now. That can be calming.

 

Thank you, it's been a rough few days. You are right about me being fixated on the last drug. For some reason I just cannot convince myself this will ever get better. Like you said, it's because I don't have the full ability to comfort myself. 

 

I like to say I had a withdrawal#1, 2 and 3. And I always compare them. In #1, I had windows almost everyday. And I just had horrible anxiety and no appetite. Withdrawal #2 was the same but worse with more symptoms. I was dizzy, had ear ringing, worse anxiety, chemical anxiety, weight loss, crying spells, impending doom And #3 is so different than the first two and I fear it is because I did too much damage. It just doesn't feel like a typical withdrawal anymore. Now my symptoms are 24/7 with hardly any breaks.The terror is so bad that I feel it on my skin and within my body. It's so strong that I feel like I am melting in a pool of it. I roll on the floor and cry all day because of it. I feel disabled and like a freak. Words will never describe it. 

 

I went into the neurotoxicity group on facebook before and it's full of people claiming they have permanent damage from kindling and late reinstatements. This might be one of the reasons why I am so hesitant to believe the severe kindled people like me heal. The people in the groups engraved it into my kind that not everyone heals. I am angry about it and mustn't believe it but I do.

 

    My entire personality has been wiped out and I am just a shell of who I once was a year ago. I look in the mirror and just see some hideous tortured soul in the dephs of hell. 

 

I may be the worst case but even if I am, I will still try and fight so that anyone in the future reading this will see that a severe case healed and they don't need to worry.

 

Sorry for my rants. Thank you for the kind message. 

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Gemma92
On 8/24/2019 at 11:34 AM, Glosmom said:

Gemma.....I am so very sorry for your suffering.  ShiningLight's words are full of wisdom... Also check out Erer's story. She was severely kindled and was able to feel better after holding and then slow tapering. She is still tapering but she has reported she feels much better from the days where she was struggling so much.

 

I know my daughter was only on one med and you want hope from people who were on multiple meds and were kindled and now feel better. However, if even one med can cause issues and a person can feel better.....it can happen for a person who was/is on 2 or 3 or more. 

 

Glo has a dog and several animals in a barn she has access to.  She didn't want anything to do with her dog for the longest time.  She did not want to go to the barn to see her cat.  Just yesterday, she took a 17 minute walk which included a stop at the Barn.  There sat, Simona, her cat. I picked her up and Glo pet her, kissed her and said...'awwww, Simona'   She also now pets and plays with her dog again.  It took awhile, but her feelings have come back for her pets. Yours will too!!  You can do this.   It will pass....just find comfort in anything you can.   Sending many healing thoughts your way. Glosmom

Hello thank you for the kind message. I read erer's story and I am happy she was able to find some healing after awhile. It seems like that darn Zyprexa causes the psychotic like feelings. The doctors ripped out of my brain CT. I've had so many CTs. 5 of them. And that doesn't count the other drugs thrown at me for months. 

 

I miss my cats so much. One is getting old and I may never be able to see him again if this will take years to heal from. He was my everything. I weep and cry everyday because of the loss of them. They are at my parents house. I just can't see them like this. I am crying just writing this. Their mother is a lunatic now. These drugs raped me of my life. How is this still going on!? Who am I? What am I? Is this witchcraft!? I am crazy! My dad was right when he called me psychotic... 

 

I'm sorry I am unable to respond to all of your kind messages in a better manner. These drugs just made me so messed up. I hope in time I can get that person back. 

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Gemma92
On 8/24/2019 at 5:37 PM, Heal95 said:

Gemma don’t lose hope on your healing. I am also kindled and although the improvements are small they are happening. I’m 23 and it’s still not easy but I know it’s not always going to be like this and you need to believe it too. I’ve seen countless stories online of people who were kindled and hospitalised and they do get better. The mental torment is really terrible but try try try to distract whatever way you can. Be kind to yourself, something horrific has happened but you have an amazing amount of courage to have got through what you have. This is the beginning of your journey to healing so it is going to be the tough part. You are strong and you can and will get through this. Don’t give up hope, because hope is what is going to keep you going. This isn’t permanent. Eat as healthy as you can, rest, avoid stimulants like coffee, walk 30 mins a day if you can manage, have your meals in the garden, watch happy videos on YouTube, colour, listen to something soothing on YouTube. I really recommend the bloom in wellness videos by Baylissa. 

When im feeling like I can’t take it I listen to this. 

  

please be strong. You will heal please believe you will. You are so strong. 

Your emotions are valid. Your anger your sadness. You have been through a lot but realise that no matter how long the road to recovery is, it will happen and you can walk it. 

Thank you for the kind message and the YouTube video. It helps a little bit. 

 

It makes me happy that you say I will heal but others have engraved it into my mind that not everyone heals. The neurotoxicity group. 

 

I may be one of the worst cases. How many people can recover from crying and screaming in a room all day? The psychotic feelings won't allow me to imagine what normal feels like. I can't remember. I am so scared. I should have never went back on more drugs. My family forced me. And then the Zyprexa turned me into a lunatic. 

 

5 pysch ward stays. The suffering I edured was and is horrfic. 

 

How is it some people can cold turkey these drugs after years and hardly bave any withdrawal symptoms and I get withdrawal just after 2 months? And kindled for 7 more. This should have never happened. 

 

Sorry for my negativity. I need to tone it down. I am havung trouble responding to your kind messages because I am so messed up. I think I am going to have my sister come on here instead because I am losing the ability to function. I will be back once I am better though.

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Gemma92

Hello everyone. I want to thank each one of you for your help and encouragement. I am too psychotic to continue to stay on this forum but I will be back once I heal a little and be less negative. I don't want to scare anyone in serious withdrawal reading this and if you are please don't worry. My brain is just not working right. I will be okay. I will be back someday. I will continue to hold on the 13.5mg of Mirtazapine. 

 

-Gemma

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ChessieCat

Q:  Are you still taking ashwahganda?

 

From:  ashwagandha-herb-for-anxiety-stress-and-toxic-overload

 

On 7/31/2013 at 9:19 PM, GiaK said:

 

I used to take ashwaganda daily...it's one of many supplements that went south on me...it's now agitating and very unpleasant...just FYI

 

 

 

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GiaK

For the record - 10 years out I take ashwagandha in rotation with lots of other herbs  -- it's just another herb that I do take when it's appropriate.

 

I make zero assumptions about most reactions and what they mean these days. A lot of the things I had the worst reactions to are the things I needed to reintroduce desperately as soon as my body was able to do that. This is why listening to the body and what it needs in this moment right now not yesterday not tomorrow but right now is the practice that I do because it continues to be helpful even now.

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Heal95
2 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Hello everyone. I want to thank each one of you for your help and encouragement. I am too psychotic to continue to stay on this forum but I will be back once I heal a little and be less negative. I don't want to scare anyone in serious withdrawal reading this and if you are please don't worry. My brain is just not working right. I will be okay. I will be back someday. I will continue to hold on the 13.5mg of Mirtazapine. 

 

-Gemma

This is a very good idea. I stayed off for a while when I started becoming psychotic and severely negative about my healing. Even when I stayed off and even at times now I sometimes doubt whether i will get better but you will come to realise that negative thoughts (when we can control) won’t help us. They will just make us feel worse than we already do. 

 

The way I have come to see it is I have choices now when it comes to my health. Will I choose to eat healthy, will I choose to go for a walk, will I choose to tell myself I will never heal and spend my day crying and getting into psychotic rages? Most of the time it isn’t that simple but when I am able to I choose, I tell myself I WILL HEAL and I refuse to believe this suffering will be forever. Nothing is forever! So neither will the pain that we experience be forever! 

 

Try to see it from the perspective of~ someone you really love is going through this, would you tell them that there is no hope and things won’t get better? Would you even believe that fate for someone you love? No you wouldn’t !!!! You should be the most important person to you right now. 

 

Please take care and don’t give up on your healing. You WILL heal!!! Ignore all the negative things you read about not healing. In life there will always be negative and pessimistic people. We don’t have to be like that especially not now. Optimism is what keeps us going,  even the Debby downers here have SOME optimism otherwise we wouldn’t be able to go on like we do. We just need to make the optimism bigger and bigger in ourselves.  

 

You will heal Gemma ❤️

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Heal95

  it appears he was kindled many times over a period of years and he got better. There is another video of him 8 years on 

he’s at 38:00 

 

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ShiningLight

Gemma, how will it be helpful to leave your community of support? 

 

When you are sobbing is it possible to hang on to what we have said and remind yourself that this is temporary? You don't have to actually believe it yourself. Suspending your disbelief is enough!

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icerose87

Hi everyone. I’m Gemma’s sister. She’s been living with me and my family since February. I won’t let her leave this community, but sometimes it is too stimulating for her to read and respond to messages, especially when her symptoms peak. I will do my best to update/ask questions when she is not able to. 

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ChessieCat

Before Gemma joined SA her sister icerose posted requesting assistance.  I've merged the two topics so that all of Gemma's history is in one place.

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GiaK

hey Gemma,

you do whatever feels right. healing for me has been learning to trust our bodies (and thus our own) wisdom...it/we always know what is best for us. 

we are here when it feels like what you need...

over stimulation is a very legitimate issue when we get online with fried nervous systems...we all do well with frequent breaks or ongoing careful moderation of usage...

love to you that you may heal and come into yourself. 

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Waiting12

Hey there. Read a bit of your story and we have quite a bit in common. So sorry for what happened to you. Just wanted to pop by and say get the heck off that neurotoxicity group. It won’t be of use to your healing. You are sensitive right now and need to reject negativity and stress until you get to a better place. If you want positive ways to cope you will find them linked here, BenzoBuddies or Jen or Baylissa’s website. Baylissa has a book that would be informative for you to read. They are both counselors who have been through this and now help others. If you need links I can PM you.

 

It gets better. & yes severe kindling people can heal. Just read the most severe case I’ve ever heard of put in her success story over on bb.

 

You will see as your CNS calms down over the coming months. It’s slow and it’s cyclical, but there is healing. Keep a journal. When you check a few months back you’ll see the proof. Hang in there. 

 

I see you mention the terror, intrusive thoughts and SI...I was wondering if you have akathisia?

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ShiningLight

Icerose, my heart goes out to you, Gemma, and your entire family. This is unconscionable that no MD has been able to help. Hopefully you can find one soon!!!

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icerose87
On 8/28/2019 at 3:52 PM, ShiningLight said:

Icerose, my heart goes out to you, Gemma, and your entire family. This is unconscionable that no MD has been able to help. Hopefully you can find one soon!!!

Thank you. We have stopped looking for help from MD’s. I took her to a top neurologist in Washington, DC and she said psych drugs make people with PANDAS worse, therefore Gemma has PANDAS. So we went ahead and did two of her treatments which she promised would make Gemma feel better. They did not. The follow up treatment would have been $32,000 out of pocket for something we don’t even know is part of the problem. 😞

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icerose87

Gemma has some questions for the group. 


1. Why does my withdrawal feel different than last one where symptoms were always changing vs. 24/7 mental torment. 

 

2. How long should I hold on Mirtazapine?

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ShiningLight

Awful. I've come to a similar conclusion and have decided to stay away from MDs and their drugs.

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Gemma92

Hi I am back but will probabky disappear again. 

 

Symptoms:

-Last night my brain felt like an ice cube and this morning it is burning like crazy. 

 

-I have horredous psychotic symptoms that make me want to just lose it. 

 

-The terror and horror is bad.

 

-I feel no joy, no love, no comfort and no peace. 

 

I take ibprofen every month for my period because the cramps are excruciating. I am sure it will kindle me even more but I have no choice but to take them. It's the only other poison I take besides the Mirtazapine.

 

What if this Mirtazapine is making me worse and delaying any healing? I feel like I am getting worse everyday. Someome said it depletes the body of vitamins and can make people pyschotic. I should just stop taking it because my brain is on fire. 

 

 

 

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Gemma92

I have to have the record for the most damage. At least I have that...😒 Because 5 antibitocs are involved on top of 9 pysch drugs and other drugs like ibprofen, pain killers, hydroxyzines and so many more. All over 8 months. I am burning in hell all because I took Lexapro for 2 months and stopped it the same time I started Penicilln. What a reaction I had! Withdrawal or an adverse reaction? I may never know. 

 

My mouth is burning a little now. I think the ibprofen is making this all worse but I am not sure. I have to take it or I'll feel like I am in labor and will pass out. Will this prevent me from healing? Who are the demonic people who invented these pills?

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