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Gemma92

And I'm sorry I haven't updated my signature like I said would. I am too crippled to do it now but will if I ever get a break from this. 

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Gemma92

@brassmonkey

Sorry about the language. I will try to keep calm for now on. 

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brassmonkey

NO problem, I totally understand where you're coming from.

 

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Altostrata

I don't know who might be telling you Zyprexa cold-turkey causes permanent damage. We haven't seen evidence of that here.

 

How's your sleep, Gemma? Does mirtazapine help that at all?

 

Exactly what drugs are you taking now and what times of day do you take them, including the antibiotics?

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icerose87
On 9/24/2019 at 10:04 AM, Altostrata said:

I don't know who might be telling you Zyprexa cold-turkey causes permanent damage. We haven't seen evidence of that here.

 

How's your sleep, Gemma? Does mirtazapine help that at all?

 

Exactly what drugs are you taking now and what times of day do you take them, including the antibiotics?

 

She’s not taking antibiotics. She’s on 12 mg of Mirt. She’s tapering 1 mg per week. She cannot hold any longer. She is very very sick. She screams, cries, and growls in agony, sometimes hiding in corners or under the bed. She bites her legs to ease her pain. Her suicidal urges are like the urge to urinate. You can only hold it in for so long. We are trying to get some brain scans done. I am her caretaker and all I can say is this is diabolical what happened to my perfectly normal sister

 

Edited by ChessieCat
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Gemma92
32 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

I don't know who might be telling you Zyprexa cold-turkey causes permanent damage. We haven't seen evidence of that here.

 

How's your sleep, Gemma? Does mirtazapine help that at all?

 

Exactly what drugs are you taking now and what times of day do you take them, including the antibiotics?

Sorry about the confusion with the antibiotics. I will update my signature once the symptoms calm down. My last antibiotic was last February. 

 

I just tapered from 13.5mg to 13mg to 12mg in a months time. I think the drug is giving have bad rage and may be adding to my suicidal thoughts. A few hours after I take it (around 10pm), the adrenal surges get so bad. My body melts in terror.

 

Surprisingly I can still sleep.

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Altostrata

That does indicate an adverse reaction to mirtazapine, Gemma. I would continue to quickly reduce it every 4 days.

 

It's unlikely brain scans will show anything. It looks to me like you have SSRI and maybe Benzo withdrawal from cold turkey a year ago, plus possible adverse effects from antibiotics. 

 

At one point, Zyprexa was helping.

 

On 8/19/2019 at 6:09 AM, Gemma92 said:

 

.....They also put me on Zyprexa 2.5mg. The sedative effect helped enough to get me out of there and I could eat again. But once home and once the sedative effects wore off, I got worse. I developed anger and paranoia and psychotic like feelings. I was more suicidal than ever. 

....

 

Since you were going on and off other drugs at the same time, it may not have been the Zyprexa that caused those symptoms.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest. You might do better with something that calms your nervous system, such as microdoses of lamotrigine:

 

 

also see  One theory of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome.

 

But as you're sensitized, you'd have to insist on MICRODOSES of anything,

 

 

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Gemma92
47 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

That does indicate an adverse reaction to mirtazapine, Gemma. I would continue to quickly reduce it every 4 days.

 

It's unlikely brain scans will show anything. It looks to me like you have SSRI and maybe Benzo withdrawal from cold turkey a year ago, plus possible adverse effects from antibiotics. 

 

At one point, Zyprexa was helping.

 

 

Since you were going on and off other drugs at the same time, it may not have been the Zyprexa that caused those symptoms.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest. You might do better with something that calms your nervous system, such as microdoses of lamotrigine:

 

 

also see  One theory of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome.

 

But as you're sensitized, you'd have to insist on MICRODOSES of anything,

 

 

Thank you for the help. I know I am a very complex case with all the different drugs I was put on. 

I'll keep the Lamictal in mind. It's kind of funny because my psychiatrist prescribed it after I told him what was going on. He was like, "Well if there is a kindling thing going on, this can help." So I have those pills already to go if I decide to take them in small amounts. 

 

I'll continue to taper the Mirtazapine. 

 

Thank you for your time.

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Altostrata

Please let us know how you're doing.

 

It may take quite a while for your nervous system to settle down. This can be very slow and frustrating. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

A tiny bit of lamotrigine -- and I do mean tiny -- can give it a little help. You'll have to be patient.

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Gemma92
4 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Please let us know how you're doing.

 

It may take quite a while for your nervous system to settle down. This can be very slow and frustrating. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

A tiny bit of lamotrigine -- and I do mean tiny -- can give it a little help. You'll have to be patient.

Thank you, I will keep you updated. 

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Vonnegutjunky

Gemma, hi. 

 

I just wanted to tell you your not alone with your symptoms. Mine is also the extreme psychotic type terror. I keeps me frozen In My bed for days at a time. 

 

I feel like im losing my mind and I have electrical zap like feelings all over my body. 

 

Mine me is due to kindling myself on Paxil.

im still tapering. 

but you said something earlier about your fatigue, I have the exact same sleep issues, paralysis, incredible fatigue, and the medication made it worse. 

 

I hope you find healing soon.  

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lexapoison

Gemma, I hope you are doing well. I read my mom one of your posts. She has been praying for you. I am struggling tremendously as well. No words can describe it. We’ll find relief soon I promise be strong.

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Gemma92

@Vonnegutjunky Thank you for the support.

I'm so sorry you're suffering too with the pyschotic fear. It's the worst torture a human being can go through. 

I'm sorry you have the fatigue and sleep paralysis too. I wonder if we have some type of autoimmune thing going on on top of this drug damage. We are very sensitive. 

I'm sorry you have been kindled too. Thank heavens they didn't put you on any antipsychotics or benzos. I am withdrawing from every drug class. Over 16 drugs under a year. 

 

@lexapoison Thank you for the the support. I'll try to hang on!

Tell your mom I really appreciate the prayers! I can use all of them I can get. I am happy that she understands this and that you have her to help you through this journey.

I am so sorry you're suffering too. 

 

 

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Gemma92

I am now on 11mg of Mirtazapine. So far the only difference I noticed is that I woke up earlier than usual this morning. (About 4 hours earlier than my normal time). I went to bed the same time last night so I guess it could be the cuts hitting me. 

My symptoms are:

-Extreme anhedonia 

-Pyschotic fears and anger that consume my soul. (Mental akathisia) 

-Personality changes

-Brain burning and head pressure

-My arms feel slightly tickly

 

I can feel hypersensitivity in my head. It's crazy. 😭

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TurkeyCold

Hello Gemma,

 

I have just read parts of your story and share your pain since I experienced (and still experience) at least something of an equivalent. I wish you all the best to heal – and you will heal.

 

Sincere C.

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Gemma92

I finally updated my signature. I don't think I'll have enough room to continue updating it because I was on so many drugs and nothing more will even fit. I guess I could always just reduce the font size. 

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Gemma92
2 minutes ago, TurkeyCold said:

Hello Gemma,

 

I have just read parts of your story and share your pain since I experienced (and still experience) at least something of an equivalent. I wish you all the best to heal – and you will heal.

 

Sincere C.

Hello, thank you so much for stopping by. I'm sorry you are suffering too. It's truly a hell most people will never know. Amd thank you, I hope healing is true for even people as malpracticed as I have been. 

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Zans

Hang in there mis, although it's hard to believe it does get better. I had most of your symptoms and those that I didn't have were changed with no less bizzare (there was a time where due to severe major disorientation I had hard time understanding where I am. I had visual snow, feeling like my head full of sand, conciousness becoming black void for several seconds and then reappearing to normal sight again multiple times a day. Doom so severe I had to hold my mom's hand, anxiety so intense it felt like I am vibrating inside. Feeling as I am breathing toxins. Internal burning, heat in the brain, ice cold limbs. Inability to speak, body locking up in various positions for up to half hour at times.) I could go on with more symptoms but long story short I was mustering strength for suicide. There was no way I wanted to live in such hell 24/7 (I was sleeping 1h at night for several months so yeah 23/7 to be fair). Like you I was convinced I have brain injury. MRI came up clear but staying in a tube with horrific magnetic vibrations and sounds damaged already fragile nervous system further. Like you I was hospitalized and flushed through multiple drugs during the stay. I cried almost every day there out of despair wishing I would go asleep and won't wake up.

 

Although it still sucks big time at the moment I improved massively. I came from not being able to enter supermarket to meeting friends and feeling somewhat fine in whole August. Just like that, out of nowhere, while I was convinced if I stay to live I'll be vegetable.

 

Stay strong or rather just stay, this is not permanent, you'll be better. If I could improve, there is no way you won't. Sending best wishes.

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Gemma92

@Zans Thank you so much for stopping by and giving me hope! Your symptoms were horrific! I am so glad you made it to the other side from the worst of it. I see you were on Zyprexa and Mirtazapine like me. They are awful drugs and I am happy you survived those cold turkeys. I had about 4 cold turkeys and on a rapid taper now. So many drugs. But I am so happy that you are almost healed and that you got your life back. Many people that heal or partially heal, don't stay on in these groups and help the others who are still struggling so I appreciate you doing that. I see you have one drug left. Did you hold for awhile before tapering it? I can't seem to stabalize on Mirtazapine. 

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Gemma92

I can feel the terror and fear pouring out of the cells and neurons in my brain. I can feel how deep the damage is. It's very severe. My brain feels like there's a hurricaine going on inside of it. The recepters are giving all the wrong kind of signals. Getting off this Mirtazapine is real test to see if I can heal. But getting off of it will also make the storm worse than it is now. How can I hold on? My legs are restless and it feels like they are being tickled internally by the devil himself. 

 

I bet I am one of the most severe cases this group as ever seen. I know it's my job to heal so all the other severe cases can have hope. 

 

But this mental akathisia is the nost torturous feeling in the whole world. I have psychotic fears and impending doom. 

 

How the heck is the human body even capable of feeling this much torment!? 

 

I had so many prayers said for me. They aren't helping....yet. 

 

I apologize for my rants and I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I hope one day I can look back at all pf this and only see it as a painful memory............ 😔

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Altostrata

If the mirtazapine was helping you sleep, maybe you don't want to reduce it?

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Heal95

Gemma, I’ve been diagnosed with Lipedema. Lipedema is a disease that gets worse over time while withdrawal is something that gets better over time. I worry about my future mobility and health on a whole new level now. I can’t have any medical treatmentto stop the progression Lipedema until withdrawal gets better and the withdrawal itself is exacerbating the disease. I also suffer from an auto immune condition SLE lupus. I’m 23 years old. You should try to see that you will heal and this isn’t going to be the life sentence you sometimes think it is.  One day you will be a lot better and you will be able to live your life. Try to be positive and tell yourself that this isn’t a life sentence. You will progressively get better until one day you will have healed. It’s not comfortable, it’s not fun, it’s going to be extremely unbearable. Stop telling yourself you are the worst case because talk like this will bog you down and in times on panic you will latch onto it and it will send you into a downward spiral. Be strong and try try try to look forward. Nothing can be done about the past. All we can do is learn from it. By worrying and panicking and despairing about our past medications we do nothing but hurt ourselves. 

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

If the mirtazapine was helping you sleep, maybe you don't want to reduce it?

Maybe once I'm down to 10mg, I'll hold for awhile again.

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Gemma92

@Heal95 

    Thank you so much for your message. I know I shouldn't be saying I am the worst case but I have at least got to be in the top 10. I am losing this battle. Not many people have been kindled on over 16 drugs during a severe withdrawal. 

 

I'm so sorry you have that disease and autoimmuine issues going on and withdrawal making them worse. I may also have an autoimmune issue too. I had chronic fatigue before all of this and had REM sleep disorder. Plus possibe PANDAS.

 

If I knew that I would heal 100%, then it would be worth it to hang on but I keep reading everywhere that not everyone heals. I hope it's not true though. 

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ChessieCat
55 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

I keep reading everywhere that not everyone heals.

 

It is possible that not everyone heals.  However, I think it can be said that the majority do heal.  BUT it does take time and accepting and practising non drug skills, both coping and calming/relaxation techniques can help you ride out the process.

 

2 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I bet I am one of the most severe cases this group as ever seen.

 

1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

I know I shouldn't be saying I am the worst case but I have at least got to be in the top 10.

 

This is called "stinking thinking".  Basically it's like deciding not to do something because you know you are going to fail and if you do try to do and fail then you can say see I told you I couldn't do it.  It is better to change your way of thinking and instead of being negative turn it around and start thinking more positively.  And no it's not trying to be positive and that will solve the problem.  It's about thinking differently so instead of saying I can't do it you say I'm going to try my best.  And instead of saying I'm one of the worst cases (which you cannot know that you are), say it's bad at this time.  (See below for more).

 

It's important to learn to accept that it is what it is at this time.   Acceptance

 

I think that the less we stress about how we are feeling means that the brain isn't busy dealing with that stress and has more ability to make the adjustments that it needs to make.  It's not about denying that we are suffering, the suffering is a fact, but learning non drug ways to cope with the discomfort so that you can stay calm and as stress free as possible.

 

Think of it like being stuck in traffic and/or getting stuck at traffic lights.  You can't make it go any faster.

 

Or this one:  Use the image of waiting in a queue, the line gradually gets shorter. When you are in a queue you can't make it move any quicker than it does. You have no control over it. All you can do is wait in the line. How you wait is what is going to make a difference. You can either be impatient and start getting irritable and think bad things and complain to the other people who might start swearing at you which makes you feel worse or you can try to be patient and calm and try and think of nice things and look at the things around you. It's going to take the same amount of time for you to get to the head of the queue but you can either make the experience of waiting pleasant or unpleasant.

 

Understanding what is happening helps us to not get caught up with the second fear, or fear of the fear.  This happens when we experience sensations in our body and because we don't understand them we are scared of them and then start to panic.

 

This document has a diagram of the body explaining what happens in the body when we become anxious:

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/AnxietySelfHelp.pdf

 

 

Audio FEMALE VOICE:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)

 

Audio MALE VOICE:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

 

dealing-with-emotional-spirals

 

Dr Claire Weekes suffered from anxiety and learned and taught ways of coping.  There are videos available on YouTube.

 

Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

 

 
Resources:  Centre for Clinical Interventions (PDF modules that you can work through, eg:  Depression, Distress Intolerance, Health Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, Panic Attacks, Perfectionism, Procrastination, Social Anxiety, Worrying)
 
On 4/28/2017 at 4:03 AM, brassmonkey said:

 

AAF: Acknowledge, Accept, Float.  It's what you have to do when nothing else works, and can be a very powerful tool in coping with anxiety.  The neuroemotional anxiety many of us feel during WD is directly caused by the drugs and their chemical reactions in the brain.  Making it so there is nothing we can do about them.  They won't respond to other drugs, relaxation techniques and the like.  They do, however, react very well to being ignored.  That's the concept behind AAF.  Acknowledge, get to know the feeling involved, explore them.  Accept, These feelings are a part of you and they aren't going anywhere fast. Float, let the feeling float off as you get on with your life as best as you can.  It's a well documented fact that the more you feed in to anxiety the worse it gets.  What starts as generalized neuroemotinal anxiety can be easily blown into a full fledged panic attack just by thinking about it.

 

I often liken it to an unwanted house guest.  At first you talk to them, have conversations, communicate with them.  After a while you figure out that they aren't leaving and there is nothing you can do to get rid of them.  So you go on about your day, working around them until they get bored and leave.

 

It can take some practice, but AAF really does work.  I hope you give it a try.

 

 

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Gemma92

@ChessieCat Thank you for the help and information and I am sorry but my brain is so damaged that I can't even think straight now. So if I don't reply to everything you said I apologize. I am in a big wave now. I should have just waited until tomorrow to reply. 

 

I am trying my best and I tend to be very repetive. I know this group wasn't created for negativity so I apologize if I am all the time. It's the drugs talking. 

 

I do hope my line gets shorter amd that I am one that is not left with damage for years or permanently.

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ChessieCat
2 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

I know this group wasn't created for negativity so I apologize if I am all the time. It's the drugs talking. 

 

This site was created to provide information and support to help people reduce/get off their psychiatric drugs.  Negativity for many members is part of this journey and we encourage members to learn ways to cope with what is thrown at them.  Learning ways to cope with/manage the negativity (regardless of its cause) and helping members to "flick the switch" so they can think differently and at the least become more neutral in their thinking and possibly more positive can help to reduce stress.

 

Stinking thinking creates stress and as mentioned above when we are stressed the brain has to deal with the perceived threat/danger.

 

Some members find writing a gratitude list helps them the divert their attention from the negative areas of their situation.

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Altostrata

Gemma, if mirtazapine is helping you sleep, I would not taper it further for a while.

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Gemma92

@ChessieCat Thank you for explaining everything and I will try to learn those ways to cope.

 

@Altostrata I have always been able to sleep throughout my withdrawal. The Mirtazapine and Zyprexa were given to me so I would eat. They did give me nice sedating effects which did calm the anxiety but I believe I developed a tolerance to the Mirtazapine or it may have pooped out on me. It doesn't give me that histamine effect anymore. So I'm not sure if it's the thing that's helping me sleep or not. I am on 11mg now and haven't felt any change or worsening in my symptoms YET. I know it can hit people pretty far out. 

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Gemma92

Does it help I wasn't on any of these drugs for years or does it not matter once the kindling/adverse reactions come into play? Because my symptoms are worse than most long term users that CT. 

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Gemma92

I am taking homeopathy. I guess I should add that in my signature. My doctor gave me a remedy to take as I taper and to help me not get severe withdrawal symptoms. We'll see if it will work. So far I have not felt the cuts from 15mg to 11mg. But I am already so bad that maybe it can't get any worse. 

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Gemma92

Symptoms: 

-severe burning brain. It feels like a bad sore throat but all over my brain. Made worse with sugar. 

-No concept of time 

-Anhedonia

-mental akathisia

-Irritability

-crying spells

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Leo1983

Gemma if it helps from your symptom list although not very nice to deal with, there all pretty common symptoms. 

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Gemma92

@Leo1983 But all of that could change since I am tapering one last drug. 😢 11mg to go.

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Leo1983

If you go slow and take advice it could also get better. 

 

2 ways of looking at things in life! 😃

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lexapoison

Gemma I’m suffering with everything you’ve described. Everything. I was only on lexapro for 5 weeks at 10mg. I cried and yelled for 12 hours today and told my mom and aunt some very bad things about SI for many hours. I have terror and horror so bad that sometimes I cannot open my eyes because it’s too scary and panic that stabs me like a knife constantly. I have dp and dr, I don’t even remotely remember who I am most of the time. Today I even was talking to my family like I was someone else, I told them that “i” locked me away in a jail cell in my brain and I’m not letting me out. I couldn’t stop pacing around the entire day my body is so sore. My girlfriend of almost 3 years also broke up with me tonight cause I hadn’t seen her in over a month, she thinks I just have anxiety, I’ve been hiding this from her because she would have left me sooner. This is after only 5 weeks of Lexapro use. I live in sunny Southern California, was more than functional and couldn’t have been more content and happy with life and I only had slight anxiety from quitting vaping nicotine for a few weeks before starting the Lexapro. I don’t know how or even think I’m gna get through today please pray for me as I’ve prayed for you. Don’t think because you’ve taken so many drugs you’re hopeless. I took one drug for 5 weeks and did a 4 week taper and I am suffering an unimaginable, inhumane amount. You’re not alone and you’re not hopeless. 

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