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Gridley
2 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Hopefully I didn't make things worse.

Don't worry about that.  Just hold now.


Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Began taper using Brassmonkey slide Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Current from Sept.23, 2020 at 0.05mg

Taper is 99.75% complete.

 

Lorazepam 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, resumed a few months later. CT 2000.  1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept, 2016 increased to 0.5 X 3 in split dose. Sept. 2019 increased to 0.625 X 3 after crossover to new brand

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 15mg.  Aug 2016, discovered SA, updosed to 25mg and holding.  Taper is 66% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, melatonin .33mg


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Gemma92

Thanks for the help everyone. 

 

So will I be able to love my cats again and be able to connect with nature? Can happen while on this drug?

 

My brain burns so bad. I hope my new diet will calm this down. The diet starts on Tuesday because that's when I get my food in the mail. I also ordered organic snacks in addition to the meals.

 

I have half a thyroid and just got the bloodwork back and it's functioning just fine without the other half. 

 

Lexapro 20mg CT after 2 months. Severe anxiety and weak.

 

Effexor for 5 days All windows closed. Sever anxiety still. No appetite

 

Lexapro 5mg CT after 1 month and Ativan 1-.5mg CT after 2 weeks. Severe anxiety, dizziness, bad vision, sound and light sensitivity, no appetite, cold chills and ear ringing

 

Mirtazpaine 15mg for 6 days

Zyprexa 5-2.5mg CT after 3 months and Mirtazapine 7.5-15-30mg and now on 11mg and holding. Extreme anhedonia, burning brain and head pressure, terror, OCD, personality changes, paranoia and crying spells.

 

My symptoms are much different from the Lexapro withdrawal then they are now. It felt like a withdrawal still. But now the terror is so deep that I cam feel it coming from the damage straight out of my brain. I feel like my brain died. 😭😭😭😭

 

Does it matter how much damage was done? Lets just say I cold turkeyed 20 different drugs or kindled for 5 years straight---would I still heal? I am holding on the 11mg for now so don't worry....I am NOT going to do anymore cold turkeys. I just want to know if the brain can comeback from the most severe damage.

 

If I am being repetitive, please forgive me. It's a withdrawal symptom. Kind of like OCD. Please don't hate me. 

 

 

 

 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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ShiningLight
1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

I am holding on the 11mg for now so don't worry....I am NOT going to do anymore cold turkeys. I just want to know if the brain can comeback from the most severe 

 

 

Great choice!!! 😊

 

More likely than not, hon. No one can tell any of us 100% for sure. You are not alone, we are all here with you with the same hopes and fears. 


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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Gridley
57 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Does it matter how much damage was done? Lets just say I cold turkeyed 20 different drugs or kindled for 5 years straight---would I still heal? I am holding on the 11mg for now so don't worry....I am NOT going to do anymore cold turkeys. I just want to know if the brain can comeback from the most severe damage.

 

It's better not to catastrophiize about worst-case-scenarios.  It just gets you thinking negatively.  It's much better (and more effective in terms of healing) to assume you're going to heal.  All the way?  Most do.  For those who may not heal all the way, they will heal a great deal.  That's been our experience here.  

 

 The brain, even battered by CT's and kindling,  has a remarkable ability to heal, known as neuroplasticity.  

 

 
 
It's great that you're holding now.

 

 

 


Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Began taper using Brassmonkey slide Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Current from Sept.23, 2020 at 0.05mg

Taper is 99.75% complete.

 

Lorazepam 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, resumed a few months later. CT 2000.  1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept, 2016 increased to 0.5 X 3 in split dose. Sept. 2019 increased to 0.625 X 3 after crossover to new brand

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 15mg.  Aug 2016, discovered SA, updosed to 25mg and holding.  Taper is 66% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, melatonin .33mg


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Gemma92

@ShiningLight and @Gridley Thank you both very much. My brain is battered severely. I am holding on for dear life.

 

And thank for the links, Gridley. I hope I won't be the first hopeless case you see. 

 

I appreciate all the support you both have given to me and the support others have on my thread. Just reading a message can help me survive through the day. 

 

I know it was said for me not worry about the 15mg to 11mg drop in a short time frame but I still worry. I feel stuck on this drug. 😞 

 

My oldest cat is 10 years old... He will be dead before I get to be ever reunited with him... He wouldn't even recognize mw anyway. I am crippled and I forget who that person was that loved him. Will my love and feelings come back!? I feel like I had a chemical lobotomy. Please pray for me. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Giulietta

Hello Gemma92,

 

Gridley is right. Positive thinking is the ticket! Catastrophizing, what if's and other types of negative thinking - like 'shoulding' - do us a disservice. Many of us on SA (I include myself!) are working on turning negative thoughts into positive ones. Have positive expectations that you are going to heal. It takes time AND patience. 

 

Envision being with your cat again.

 

Glad you are holding on your current dose.

 

 

 

 

 

 


2014-present  Lamotrigine ER 600 mg (sz)

2000 - present  Clonazepam 1 mg (.25 mg am;.75 mg pm)

2000 - present  Gabapentin 1000 mg (sz)

2014-2019   Lisinopril 2.5 mg

2010-present Lorazepam/Ativan .5 mg prn only  (sz)

 

2005-2018/19   Assorted SSRIs taken intermittently, incl. dulox.

(6/2015-4/2020) Unwitting 20 mg duloxetine CT Dec 2018. Prev. CT from 20 mg  9/2018.

Suplmnts:  omega 3 fatty acid, CoQ10,  Calcium  Citrate with Vit D3/Mages.

I am not a medical professional. My comments are not medical advice.  They  are based on personal experience.

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

Hello Gemma92,

 

Gridley is right. Positive thinking is the ticket! Catastrophizing, what if's and other types of negative thinking - like 'shoulding' - do us a disservice. Many of us on SA (I include myself!) are working on turning negative thoughts into positive ones. Have positive expectations that you are going to heal. It takes time AND patience. 

 

Envision being with your cat again.

 

Glad you are holding on your current dose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you.

I just wish I would have been in this group before my family lobotmized me. I would have made it in just my Lexapro withdrawal. I am hanging by a thread but I will try to be more positive. 😞 It's hard when I feel no emotions except for anger and fear. Thank you for your support. It keeps me going. ☺❤


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

For those of you who are religious, do you think that God will heal me even if I am really damaged? Do you think all the prayers my family have said for me will help? 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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carefulprayerful

Gemma, I think it helps.  I am praying for you ❤️


Jan. 2018:     900 mg  Lithium      1.0 mg Risperidone            250 mg Lamotrigine

Jan. 2019:     0 mg Lithium           0.625 mg Risperidone        175 mg Lamotrigine

Jan. 2020:     0 mg Lithium           0.260 mg Risperidone        175 mg Lamotrigine

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Elyssa143

@Gemma92

You are not damaged. Your brain is just injured. And no never, God sees you. Your here for a reason & you will heal. I know the pain all to well. We will get there one day at a time. Im working hard on just making it a point to focus on the moment at hand. Thats all we need to get through.  Love and light. Hugs❣


13 months on 25 mg of sertraline.

Fast taper in march 2018, reinstated 12.5mg

Cold turkey sertraline april 17,2018

Zyprexa 5mg april 17,2018

Zyprexa taper to lamictal May 4-13 (life threatening rash)

Back on zyprexa 5mg for 10days & tapered over 5 weeks.

21 months off sertraline 

19 months off zyprexa

22 months into withdrawl 

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Gemma92

@carefulprayerful and@Elyssa143 ,thank you both very much. 🙏🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

Is complete anhedonia a bad sign? I feel no love and have no connections to anything. I feel like a zombie. I only feel fear and sometimes irritability. Why don't I get windows? I used to get them and they were full 100% ones where I was myself. That was all before Mirtazapine and Zyprexa were added...😞 Because of losing my passion for art and love for animals, I freak out because of the DP/DR. I can't live like a tortured soul in Hell for the rest of my life. I didn't ask for things to get this far. I didn't ask to be put on more drugs.

 

One day I hope I can write on here and say, "I had a window! i'm going to make it!" 

And then I can write a book about my horrific experience. 

 

Honestly, in a way I am glad they cold turkeyed me off of Zyprexa, because I was even more of a zombie on it. When those 2 drugs got added and upped in dose, I felt my soul leave my body. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family. It was hard especially because the terror and anhedonia were there throughout it. Still holding on that 11mg. I can't wait to get off of it. 😞


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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ShiningLight
3 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family. It was hard especially because the terror and anhedonia were there throughout it.

 

This is really fantastic! Good for you for sticking with it, Gemma! Keep trying to do things like this when you can!


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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Erell
4 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family. It was hard especially because the terror and anhedonia were there throughout it. Still holding on that 11mg. I can't wait to get off of it. 😞

 Yeah!!!! It wasn't easy, but you made it! 

 

Don't rush it, you know now you Will heal, even if it's longer than you wish, you Will :) keep holding!

 


2006 : 20mg Paroxetine + Bromazepam(no specific dose) 

2008 : cold turkey of both

2010 : 20mg Deroxat + Bromazepam(no specific dose) 

2013: Switch from Bromazepam To Prazepam (long half-life)

2014-June2017 : Prazepam taper, 3% drops. 

2018 to August 2019 : weaning Paroxetine 20mg. 3% every 15 days.

- 22nd August updosed To 10mg (was at 8.4mg) because of a big wave. 

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paroxetine. 

 

April 2020-August 2020 : Paxil to Prozac bridge. Details https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21457-erell-struggling-with-paroxetine/?do=findComment&comment=499847

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate/ fish oil/ evening primrose oil 

Current medication : 7mg Fluoxetine + 1mg Diazepam + toothpick Paroxetine 

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Giulietta
On 10/2/2019 at 8:44 PM, Gemma92 said:

For those of you who are religious, do you think that God will heal me even if I am really damaged?

 

I think you are injured and like all injuries - they heal. Imagine breaking a leg (I did once and it healed just fine!).  I had a plaster cast. I wore it for x weeks (can't remember). Then I graduated to a walking cast. More progress. Then I went to physical therapy and then I was 100%.

 

A friend reminds me that 'God loves me.' Faith is important to get through difficult times - faith in our diety - and faith in ourselves. Our lives are gifts.


2014-present  Lamotrigine ER 600 mg (sz)

2000 - present  Clonazepam 1 mg (.25 mg am;.75 mg pm)

2000 - present  Gabapentin 1000 mg (sz)

2014-2019   Lisinopril 2.5 mg

2010-present Lorazepam/Ativan .5 mg prn only  (sz)

 

2005-2018/19   Assorted SSRIs taken intermittently, incl. dulox.

(6/2015-4/2020) Unwitting 20 mg duloxetine CT Dec 2018. Prev. CT from 20 mg  9/2018.

Suplmnts:  omega 3 fatty acid, CoQ10,  Calcium  Citrate with Vit D3/Mages.

I am not a medical professional. My comments are not medical advice.  They  are based on personal experience.

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Giulietta
11 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family.

 

This is such great news! People leave movie theatres and the room during stressful times in the picture all the time. :)


2014-present  Lamotrigine ER 600 mg (sz)

2000 - present  Clonazepam 1 mg (.25 mg am;.75 mg pm)

2000 - present  Gabapentin 1000 mg (sz)

2014-2019   Lisinopril 2.5 mg

2010-present Lorazepam/Ativan .5 mg prn only  (sz)

 

2005-2018/19   Assorted SSRIs taken intermittently, incl. dulox.

(6/2015-4/2020) Unwitting 20 mg duloxetine CT Dec 2018. Prev. CT from 20 mg  9/2018.

Suplmnts:  omega 3 fatty acid, CoQ10,  Calcium  Citrate with Vit D3/Mages.

I am not a medical professional. My comments are not medical advice.  They  are based on personal experience.

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Harriet8
On 10/1/2019 at 7:15 PM, Gridley said:

 

Here's the trellis post Rhiannon referred to in her response to icerose87.

 

   On 8/30/2011 at 2:28 PM,  Rhiannon said: 
When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

I find this so helpful (and useful in trying to explain to family and others).  Could anyone provide the research behind this understanding?  Not that I doubt it for a second.  I would like to understand it better myself.  Whilst I have limited energy and focus, a pointer to relevant reading would be much appreciated.  Thank you.

 

 


1997   1st psychiatric appt: began medications (no record);   2002   Efexor XL, Xanax, Risperdal, Stilnoct; 2003  Efexor, Xanax, Stilnoct, Serlain;   2004   many medications (no record), but including Lithium, Diazepam, Lorazepam;   2005  Clomipramine; Imipramine; (8 sessions of Electroconvulsive Therapy, ECT);   Sept 2005 Citalopram, Quetiapine 800mg, L-Tryptophan;   2006 - 2009 Reduced L-Tryptophan and Quetiapine, finished Quetiapine Nov 2009;  Jan 2010  Began reducing Citalopram   >>>STARTED NOTICING SOMATIC SYMPTOMS (described above)>>>   2012   Citalopram, Diazepam, Zolpidem, Promethazine, Risperidone, Mirtazepine, Trazadone, Buspirone, L-Tryptophan, Chlorpromazine, Alprazolam   Sept 2012medications changed to Citalopram, Quetiapine, Diazepam, L-Tryptophan;   2015 - 2017: reduced meds until just Citalopram 60mg;   2017  1 May   Citalopram, 50mg   25 May Citalopram, 40mg   Dec 2017 - Apr 2018: Citalopram, 35mg > 30 mg >   25 mg > 20mg;   2018   1 May Citalopram 30mg,   21 May 35mg   Jun Diazepam, 2mg, increased to 6mg (3 x 2mg to assist eating)   Aug Zolpidem for 10 days   Sept Zopiclone 3.75mg;   (Nov: inpatient admission):  Dec Pregabalin 100mg added, Diazepam increased to 8mg, Citalopram increased to 40mg;   2019  Jan Citalopram 40mg, Diazepam 8mg, Pregabalin 100mg, Zopiclone 3.75mg (now reducing Zopiclone: 2.81mg on 2 May, 1.88mg on 16 May)

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Gridley
46 minutes ago, Harriet8 said:

find this so helpful (and useful in trying to explain to family and others).  Could anyone provide the research behind this understanding?  Not that I doubt it for a second.  I would like to understand it better myself.  Whilst I have limited energy and focus, a pointer to relevant reading would be much appreciated.  Thank you.

 

This link contains some of the research behind the trellis concept and having to grow a new brain.

 

Why taper paper: dose-occupancy curves


Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Began taper using Brassmonkey slide Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Current from Sept.23, 2020 at 0.05mg

Taper is 99.75% complete.

 

Lorazepam 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, resumed a few months later. CT 2000.  1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept, 2016 increased to 0.5 X 3 in split dose. Sept. 2019 increased to 0.625 X 3 after crossover to new brand

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 15mg.  Aug 2016, discovered SA, updosed to 25mg and holding.  Taper is 66% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, melatonin .33mg


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Rhiannon

google in the general vicinity of "epigenetics and neuroplasticity" 

But as far as psych drug damage in particular you won't find much, that research isn't being done. I have a general understanding of cell biology and biochemistry because of my academic background, and neurochemistry because of my reading due to my personal interests.  That may be further than you want to go.


Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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Gemma92

Hello, thank you everyone for your responses and support.  And thank you for the links and advice. I would respond to each of you individually but I just can't now because I am too sick with terror. But please know it helps so much when all of you visit my thread. It helps me get by when I read all your responses.

 

Today I got some organic snacks in the mail. I wasn't too crazy about some of them but I did like a few and will be ordering more of what I liked. The frozen food comes next week. 😔 

 

I hope this can undo the one year of kindling with over 16 drugs. 

 

And I hate being on a drug still but I know I can't get off. I hope I don't get slammed from the lastest cuts I did. 15 to 11mg fairly quick. 11mg is where I will hold for now. 

 

Please pray for me. 😔


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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lexapoison

Gemma! That’s awesome you’re getting some good foods coming in! I love it! I hope to hear some improvements from you soon! Please let us know when you get even the slightest relief, fingers crossed you get some soon and can’t wait to hear about it!


Lexapro: 5/19: 10mg 5 weeks (adverse reaction)

6/19: 5mg 2 weeks (bad withdrawals);

7/19: 2.5 mg 2 weeks (bad withdrawals)

7/12/19 0mg Lexapro (hell)

Celexa RI:  8/14/19: 0.5mg (adverse reaction)

8/15/19: skipped

8/16/19:  0.25mg

8/17/19:  0.25mg

Lexapro RI:  9/14/19 - 10/12/19: 0.125mg-0.03mg (adverse reaction)

Ativan8/19/19- 9/10/19: took 0.5mg every 3-5 days to help with Lexapro WD.

9/10/19 - current: 0.5mg

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ShiningLight
5 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

And I hate being on a drug still but I know I can't get off.

 

That's one of the worst parts I think. It's a bit torturous. Right there with you. As bad as that feeling is, it's not as bad as trying to get off too fast and suffering though! Better to hold.

 

When you start to get some windows, it will increase your hope and confidence. It's tough when you're doing all of this work and still waiting for those windows. You're doing the right thing though!


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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Gemma92
13 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

 

That's one of the worst parts I think. It's a bit torturous. Right there with you. As bad as that feeling is, it's not as bad as trying to get off too fast and suffering though! Better to hold.

 

When you start to get some windows, it will increase your hope and confidence. It's tough when you're doing all of this work and still waiting for those windows. You're doing the right thing though!

Thanks, I hope I get those windows soon. I haven't had a full one since November 1st. Which was before I was poisoned with more drugs for 3 months straight. 😔 I was so happy when it happened. I hope my new diet will speed things up. 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

Today it feels like somebody beat me in the head with a 🔨

 

My symptoms today: 

-Extreme anhedonia

-Severe psychotic fears. I feel like I am going to go crazy and just lose it. 

-suicidal urges

-Head pressure

-DP/DR

-I feel physcially sick, like I need to throw up from the poison in my body...

 

I can't remember who I once was. It was so long ago. 1 year ago today, I was in a SEVERE failed Lexapro reinstament and Ativan withdrawal. Little did I know that that was only the beginning of my torture. I was bedbound and lost weight rapidly. I had at least 25 symptoms. Now, I have less symptoms but the ones I have are so severe that they make my last withdrawal look weak. And now I can feel the damage in my head. I need a miracle. God please help me. 🙏

 


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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India
On 8/19/2019 at 7:55 AM, Gemma92 said:

Not one Psychiatrist or neurologist believes any of this withdrawal stuff or so they say. The only ones who believe me are the Homeopathic doctors, Chiropractors and accupunturists. 

@Gemma92 you sound so brave and lucid after going through a horrifically traumatic time. My heart goes out to you. You are a survivor in every sense . You know the truth of withdrawal as does everyone on this site. Keep strong 


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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Harriet8
On 10/4/2019 at 8:21 PM, Gridley said:

 

This link contains some of the research behind the trellis concept and having to grow a new brain.

 

Why taper paper: dose-occupancy curves

Thank you, Gridley.  Will take a look as and when energy/focus permits. Much appreciated.


1997   1st psychiatric appt: began medications (no record);   2002   Efexor XL, Xanax, Risperdal, Stilnoct; 2003  Efexor, Xanax, Stilnoct, Serlain;   2004   many medications (no record), but including Lithium, Diazepam, Lorazepam;   2005  Clomipramine; Imipramine; (8 sessions of Electroconvulsive Therapy, ECT);   Sept 2005 Citalopram, Quetiapine 800mg, L-Tryptophan;   2006 - 2009 Reduced L-Tryptophan and Quetiapine, finished Quetiapine Nov 2009;  Jan 2010  Began reducing Citalopram   >>>STARTED NOTICING SOMATIC SYMPTOMS (described above)>>>   2012   Citalopram, Diazepam, Zolpidem, Promethazine, Risperidone, Mirtazepine, Trazadone, Buspirone, L-Tryptophan, Chlorpromazine, Alprazolam   Sept 2012medications changed to Citalopram, Quetiapine, Diazepam, L-Tryptophan;   2015 - 2017: reduced meds until just Citalopram 60mg;   2017  1 May   Citalopram, 50mg   25 May Citalopram, 40mg   Dec 2017 - Apr 2018: Citalopram, 35mg > 30 mg >   25 mg > 20mg;   2018   1 May Citalopram 30mg,   21 May 35mg   Jun Diazepam, 2mg, increased to 6mg (3 x 2mg to assist eating)   Aug Zolpidem for 10 days   Sept Zopiclone 3.75mg;   (Nov: inpatient admission):  Dec Pregabalin 100mg added, Diazepam increased to 8mg, Citalopram increased to 40mg;   2019  Jan Citalopram 40mg, Diazepam 8mg, Pregabalin 100mg, Zopiclone 3.75mg (now reducing Zopiclone: 2.81mg on 2 May, 1.88mg on 16 May)

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Harriet8
On 10/4/2019 at 9:26 PM, Rhiannon said:

google in the general vicinity of "epigenetics and neuroplasticity" 

But as far as psych drug damage in particular you won't find much, that research isn't being done. I have a general understanding of cell biology and biochemistry because of my academic background, and neurochemistry because of my reading due to my personal interests.  That may be further than you want to go.

Hi Rhiannon,

Still get a bit muddled finding my way around the site.....think you were responding to me.  Thank you.  I want to understand quite deeply.  Challenge is my brain capacity and attention so limited at the moment, and being able to sit upright etc for long enough.  Will start with link Gridley sent.  But seems to me you have pulled together essentials of what ACTUALLY happens to our brains, info which is invaluable and must be put out there to counter the propaganda which leads so many of us into such catastrophic states of suffering.


1997   1st psychiatric appt: began medications (no record);   2002   Efexor XL, Xanax, Risperdal, Stilnoct; 2003  Efexor, Xanax, Stilnoct, Serlain;   2004   many medications (no record), but including Lithium, Diazepam, Lorazepam;   2005  Clomipramine; Imipramine; (8 sessions of Electroconvulsive Therapy, ECT);   Sept 2005 Citalopram, Quetiapine 800mg, L-Tryptophan;   2006 - 2009 Reduced L-Tryptophan and Quetiapine, finished Quetiapine Nov 2009;  Jan 2010  Began reducing Citalopram   >>>STARTED NOTICING SOMATIC SYMPTOMS (described above)>>>   2012   Citalopram, Diazepam, Zolpidem, Promethazine, Risperidone, Mirtazepine, Trazadone, Buspirone, L-Tryptophan, Chlorpromazine, Alprazolam   Sept 2012medications changed to Citalopram, Quetiapine, Diazepam, L-Tryptophan;   2015 - 2017: reduced meds until just Citalopram 60mg;   2017  1 May   Citalopram, 50mg   25 May Citalopram, 40mg   Dec 2017 - Apr 2018: Citalopram, 35mg > 30 mg >   25 mg > 20mg;   2018   1 May Citalopram 30mg,   21 May 35mg   Jun Diazepam, 2mg, increased to 6mg (3 x 2mg to assist eating)   Aug Zolpidem for 10 days   Sept Zopiclone 3.75mg;   (Nov: inpatient admission):  Dec Pregabalin 100mg added, Diazepam increased to 8mg, Citalopram increased to 40mg;   2019  Jan Citalopram 40mg, Diazepam 8mg, Pregabalin 100mg, Zopiclone 3.75mg (now reducing Zopiclone: 2.81mg on 2 May, 1.88mg on 16 May)

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ShiningLight
22 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

 

I can't remember who I once was. It was so long ago. 

 

 

I know it's frightening and upsetting. Just keep focusing on the basics again and again:

 

 Nutrition. Hydration. Gentle movement. Rest. Repeat.

 

That's all you need to worry about right now. Nothing global like identity. Narrow your focus to what you can do right now. And when you get derailed, gently return to it again and again. 


Now: Gabapentin 31 mg 4x/day =124 mg, 150 mg Zoloft am since 2004, 50 mg Trazodone bedtime.  Daily drug burden decreased from 2050 mg to 324 mg 🐢🐢

2020, Gabapentin each dose 4x/day: Aug 20 31 mg, Aug 18, 33 mg, July 29, 35 mg, July 23 38 mg, July 22 40 mg Jun 24 42 mg, Jun 15 44 mg, Jun 9 48 mg, May 22 50 mg, May 14 54 mg, May 7 56 mg, Apr 16 58 mg, Mar 28 60 mg, Mar 18 62 mg. Feb 26 64 mg. Feb 19, 66 mg. Jan 23, 70 mg.

2019 Dec 19, 72 mg. Nov 14 ,76 mg. Aug 8, 80 mg. Aug 6, 85 mg. Jul 26, 90 mg. Jul 11, 95 mg.

Jul 16 trazodone from 100 to 50 mg.

Jun 17-July 10 Slowly changed gab fr pill to liquid at same dose 100 mg 4x/d.

Apr 24 Stopped klon!!! 🌞 Apr 4  Decreased gaba to 400 mg (100 mg 4x/day)-Apr 4, 2019   0.25 klon

March 11  Klonopin .5 mg twice daily, varied dose til Apr 15. Started Klon fast taper 25%, short use

Mar 16, 450 mg gaba 3x/day cut 600 mg--not exact!--updose after learning w/d

Feb 20, 1800 mg gabapentin; MD taper; off 3 days=mvt disorder & autonomic instability. July 2018 temazepam 15 mg 1-2; prn several x/wk til Jan/Feb 2019 when cold turkey, flu illness for months

July 2018 started gabapentin 100 3x/day; titrated up to 1800 mg (600 3x/day)

Buspar, I forget how much, 2 pills a day Jan 2017-July 2018 cold turkey

*I speak from my experience. Nothing I say is medical advice. I'm not a doctor.

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Gemma92

A few hours after I take the Mirtazapine, my terror picks up more than any part of the day. It's not helping me sleep. I know I have built a tolerance to this drug. I can only sleep because I had a chronic fatigue problem before these drugs ever got involved. I'll still hold on the drug though...

On 10/6/2019 at 2:12 PM, ShiningLight said:

 

I know it's frightening and upsetting. Just keep focusing on the basics again and again:

 

 Nutrition. Hydration. Gentle movement. Rest. Repeat.

 

That's all you need to worry about right now. Nothing global like identity. Narrow your focus to what you can do right now. And when you get derailed, gently return to it again and again. 

Thank you, I'll try 😭🙏


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

Hello. I am officially on an organic diet. The first meal was really good. It was a chicken fajita salad. My sister made it for me. I am going to be ordering smoothies too. I hope this makes a difference for me. 😭


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

Bad news..... I have absolutely no appetite today. I am not sure if this is the recent change in my diet or from the fast cuts I did from 15 to 11mg. Thinking of food makes me sick. 😔 I ate so good last night too...


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Gemma92

I was able to eat dinner but the terror is getting worse. The cuts have hit me like a truck. I have every "mental illness" known to man all mixed up together. I am so far from who I once was. These drugs destroyed my brain and I am too far gone for repair. And I am still stuck on a dang drug that I said NO to. How did things even escalate this far!?

How did I end up on over 16 drugs!? 😥😥😥😥😢😢😢😞😞😞😞😞😞 God have mercy on my soul...

 

My symptoms never change or leave. They are always the same or get more intense. In my last withdrawal, they always changed. They do not change anymore. Is this a sign my brain is stuck and cannot heal? 😞


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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Melissa5000
7 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Bad news..... I have absolutely no appetite today. I am not sure if this is the recent change in my diet or from the fast cuts I did from 15 to 11mg. Thinking of food makes me sick. 😔 I ate so good last night too...

 

I expect this to be withdrawal. In early withdrawal I had no appetite many times after I did a cut.

 

49 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

My symptoms never change or leave. They are always the same or get more intense. In my last withdrawal, they always changed. They do not change anymore. Is this a sign my brain is stuck and cannot heal? 😞

 

In early withdrawal my symptoms get first worse too. It takes some time before they don't get worse anymore. After that they slowly improve.

My main symptom is pain and that does not change much. It is there all day every day. It is NOT a sign that you cannot heal. The persistent symptoms fade very slowly over time. In the beginning the improvements are so small that you don't even notice the improvements. But the improvements are there and they add up. Some day after some months or half a year you suddenly realize that there are small improvements! The pain might be a little less intense for half an hour or you are crying less than before. Once that happens you have to wait for the improvements to add up to a big snowball. Then the relief finally comes. It can take lots of time but improvements will come for you too. It is just a matter of time!

 

It is very normal to worry that you will never heal in early withdrawal. I did the same and ruminated a lot about it. And I have still a long way to taper. You are in a bad shape and have still some medicine you want to get rid off. That makes it very hard and I totally understand your situation! In despite of my worry and ruminations I finally always improved after a cut. You had many changes so it can take a bit longer before you see the improvements, but they will come! Pay attention to tiny windows: a symptom that is a bit less intense for 5 minutes, or a moment where you have only 199 symptoms insteadof 200........ It seems like nothing in the beginning but this is how it all starts.Think about the snowball! 


2019 2.1 mg amitriptyline ,15th july 2.1 mg, 22-7 2.09 mg, 29-7 2.08 mg, 5-8 2.09 mg , 7-8 2.1 mg . 2020 Holding at 2.1 mg

2019 125 mg lyrica, 15th july 124,5 mg, 22-7 124 mg, 29-7 123,5 mg, 4-8 124 mg 2020 holding at 124 mg

2015 january building up my medication to 450 mg lyrica and 50 mg amitriptyline for face ache after a rootcanal treatment at the dentist. 2016 february start tapering lyrica from 450 mg to 200 mg 2016 october tapered 25 mg amitriptyline to 25 mg 2017 tapered lyrica from 200 mg to 100 mg 2017 september tapered my last tablet of 25 mg amitriptyline to zero  (horrible muscle pain started) 2018 february tapered lyrica from 100 mg to 75 mg (my muscle pain got worse and I have a lot of nervepain in my arms and legs, sometimes all over musclepain and nerve pain and burning pain) 2018 may reinstated 25 mg lyrica. My current dose is 100 mg lyrica. My pain is still very bad but a little less intense, my mood improved. 2018 since 22th may updose amitriptyline.  9 beads. 2018 june updosing lyrica. 2018 16 th june 125 mg lyrica and 9 beads amitriptyline ( 2mg) Now I'm doing a long hold. I can't taper anymore. Too much pain. I hope to stabilize and improve while holding. I'm trying graded activity to get rid of my pain. 2019 1 jan. Lyrica 125 mg (holding) 2019 1 jan. Amitriptyline tapering from 9 beads to 8 beads (1 jan. 2019),  8,5 beads (5 jan 19), 9 beads (16 jan 19) tapper attempt failed

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Melissa5000
On 10/2/2019 at 11:10 PM, Gemma92 said:

My oldest cat is 10 years old... He will be dead before I get to be ever reunited with him... He wouldn't even recognize mw anyway. I am crippled and I forget who that person was that loved him. Will my love and feelings come back!? I feel like I had a chemical lobotomy. Please pray for me. 

 

Where is you cat now?

 

Can your cat move to your sister's place where you are staying now?

 

It  can be healing to spend time with your favourite pet. Even if you can see him only for one minute a day in the beginning. From there you can build up the time you spend with your cat. It is a good thing to have someting to look forward too. By seeing your cat, over time your feelings will come back slowly. I am sure!

 

I will pray for you!


2019 2.1 mg amitriptyline ,15th july 2.1 mg, 22-7 2.09 mg, 29-7 2.08 mg, 5-8 2.09 mg , 7-8 2.1 mg . 2020 Holding at 2.1 mg

2019 125 mg lyrica, 15th july 124,5 mg, 22-7 124 mg, 29-7 123,5 mg, 4-8 124 mg 2020 holding at 124 mg

2015 january building up my medication to 450 mg lyrica and 50 mg amitriptyline for face ache after a rootcanal treatment at the dentist. 2016 february start tapering lyrica from 450 mg to 200 mg 2016 october tapered 25 mg amitriptyline to 25 mg 2017 tapered lyrica from 200 mg to 100 mg 2017 september tapered my last tablet of 25 mg amitriptyline to zero  (horrible muscle pain started) 2018 february tapered lyrica from 100 mg to 75 mg (my muscle pain got worse and I have a lot of nervepain in my arms and legs, sometimes all over musclepain and nerve pain and burning pain) 2018 may reinstated 25 mg lyrica. My current dose is 100 mg lyrica. My pain is still very bad but a little less intense, my mood improved. 2018 since 22th may updose amitriptyline.  9 beads. 2018 june updosing lyrica. 2018 16 th june 125 mg lyrica and 9 beads amitriptyline ( 2mg) Now I'm doing a long hold. I can't taper anymore. Too much pain. I hope to stabilize and improve while holding. I'm trying graded activity to get rid of my pain. 2019 1 jan. Lyrica 125 mg (holding) 2019 1 jan. Amitriptyline tapering from 9 beads to 8 beads (1 jan. 2019),  8,5 beads (5 jan 19), 9 beads (16 jan 19) tapper attempt failed

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Gemma92

@Melissa5000 Thank you fpr the prayers and for the hope. It means a lot to me. My cats are at parents house. I can't be with them because I have severe terror and the complete inability to feel joy and love for them. My entire self is gone. I am 90% a vegetable. 

I hope those improvements come soon because I am hanging by a thread. The symptoms got worse because I have been cutting the drug. I have stopped now but feel so psychotic 😭


90s and 2008:Prozac for a year

2016:ADHD few months

2017:Right thyroid removed. 

May-June 2018: Lexapro 10-20mg. July 4th 2018 Lex CT and took Penicillin, Z-pack.

August 2018: 3rd antibiotic and Effexor for 5 days CT. 

September 2018: Lexapro 5mg (CT after month) Ativan 1-.5mg(CT after 2 weeks) and Hydroxyine 50mg (2 weeks) SEVERE REACTIONS AND SEVERE WITHDRAWAL

October 2018: Ashwahganda 2 weeks, Probiotics 2 weeks. Mirt 15mg 6 days CT Oct- Nov 2018: gaba gummies, cbd oil, magnesium. December 2018: Mirt 7.5mg, 15mg, 30mg, Zyprexa 2.5mg, 5mg for 1 week back to 2.5mg. 4th antibiotic used. Hydroxyine. Jan 2019: Mirtazapine 26.5mg. Different brands used when hospitalized. Hydroxyine.

Feb 2019: Mirtazapine 22.5mg, 15mg. Zyprexa 2.5mg CT. Prozac 1 pill, Trazadone 4 pills, Hydroxyine few pills, INJECTED with steroids, antibiotics and pain killers for 2 days. Took high doses of benadryl a few times, few more pain killers

June 2019: Mirt 14.5mg-13.5mg Sept 2019: Mirt 13mg, 12mg, sep 25th 11 mg. (Currently here).

 

 

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