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Gridley
2 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Hopefully I didn't make things worse.

Don't worry about that.  Just hold now.

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Gemma92

Thanks for the help everyone. 

 

So will I be able to love my cats again and be able to connect with nature? Can happen while on this drug?

 

My brain burns so bad. I hope my new diet will calm this down. The diet starts on Tuesday because that's when I get my food in the mail. I also ordered organic snacks in addition to the meals.

 

I have half a thyroid and just got the bloodwork back and it's functioning just fine without the other half. 

 

Lexapro 20mg CT after 2 months. Severe anxiety and weak.

 

Effexor for 5 days All windows closed. Sever anxiety still. No appetite

 

Lexapro 5mg CT after 1 month and Ativan 1-.5mg CT after 2 weeks. Severe anxiety, dizziness, bad vision, sound and light sensitivity, no appetite, cold chills and ear ringing

 

Mirtazpaine 15mg for 6 days

Zyprexa 5-2.5mg CT after 3 months and Mirtazapine 7.5-15-30mg and now on 11mg and holding. Extreme anhedonia, burning brain and head pressure, terror, OCD, personality changes, paranoia and crying spells.

 

My symptoms are much different from the Lexapro withdrawal then they are now. It felt like a withdrawal still. But now the terror is so deep that I cam feel it coming from the damage straight out of my brain. I feel like my brain died. 😭😭😭😭

 

Does it matter how much damage was done? Lets just say I cold turkeyed 20 different drugs or kindled for 5 years straight---would I still heal? I am holding on the 11mg for now so don't worry....I am NOT going to do anymore cold turkeys. I just want to know if the brain can comeback from the most severe damage.

 

If I am being repetitive, please forgive me. It's a withdrawal symptom. Kind of like OCD. Please don't hate me. 

 

 

 

 

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ShiningLight
1 hour ago, Gemma92 said:

I am holding on the 11mg for now so don't worry....I am NOT going to do anymore cold turkeys. I just want to know if the brain can comeback from the most severe 

 

 

Great choice!!! 😊

 

More likely than not, hon. No one can tell any of us 100% for sure. You are not alone, we are all here with you with the same hopes and fears. 

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Gridley
57 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Does it matter how much damage was done? Lets just say I cold turkeyed 20 different drugs or kindled for 5 years straight---would I still heal? I am holding on the 11mg for now so don't worry....I am NOT going to do anymore cold turkeys. I just want to know if the brain can comeback from the most severe damage.

 

It's better not to catastrophiize about worst-case-scenarios.  It just gets you thinking negatively.  It's much better (and more effective in terms of healing) to assume you're going to heal.  All the way?  Most do.  For those who may not heal all the way, they will heal a great deal.  That's been our experience here.  

 

 The brain, even battered by CT's and kindling,  has a remarkable ability to heal, known as neuroplasticity.  

 

 
 
It's great that you're holding now.

 

 

 

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Gemma92

@ShiningLight and @Gridley Thank you both very much. My brain is battered severely. I am holding on for dear life.

 

And thank for the links, Gridley. I hope I won't be the first hopeless case you see. 

 

I appreciate all the support you both have given to me and the support others have on my thread. Just reading a message can help me survive through the day. 

 

I know it was said for me not worry about the 15mg to 11mg drop in a short time frame but I still worry. I feel stuck on this drug. 😞 

 

My oldest cat is 10 years old... He will be dead before I get to be ever reunited with him... He wouldn't even recognize mw anyway. I am crippled and I forget who that person was that loved him. Will my love and feelings come back!? I feel like I had a chemical lobotomy. Please pray for me. 

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Guilietta

Hello Gemma92,

 

Gridley is right. Positive thinking is the ticket! Catastrophizing, what if's and other types of negative thinking - like 'shoulding' - do us a disservice. Many of us on SA (I include myself!) are working on turning negative thoughts into positive ones. Have positive expectations that you are going to heal. It takes time AND patience. 

 

Envision being with your cat again.

 

Glad you are holding on your current dose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Gemma92
1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

Hello Gemma92,

 

Gridley is right. Positive thinking is the ticket! Catastrophizing, what if's and other types of negative thinking - like 'shoulding' - do us a disservice. Many of us on SA (I include myself!) are working on turning negative thoughts into positive ones. Have positive expectations that you are going to heal. It takes time AND patience. 

 

Envision being with your cat again.

 

Glad you are holding on your current dose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you.

I just wish I would have been in this group before my family lobotmized me. I would have made it in just my Lexapro withdrawal. I am hanging by a thread but I will try to be more positive. 😞 It's hard when I feel no emotions except for anger and fear. Thank you for your support. It keeps me going. ☺❤

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Gemma92

For those of you who are religious, do you think that God will heal me even if I am really damaged? Do you think all the prayers my family have said for me will help? 

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carefulprayerful

Gemma, I think it helps.  I am praying for you ❤️

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Elyssa143

@Gemma92

You are not damaged. Your brain is just injured. And no never, God sees you. Your here for a reason & you will heal. I know the pain all to well. We will get there one day at a time. Im working hard on just making it a point to focus on the moment at hand. Thats all we need to get through.  Love and light. Hugs❣

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Gemma92

Is complete anhedonia a bad sign? I feel no love and have no connections to anything. I feel like a zombie. I only feel fear and sometimes irritability. Why don't I get windows? I used to get them and they were full 100% ones where I was myself. That was all before Mirtazapine and Zyprexa were added...😞 Because of losing my passion for art and love for animals, I freak out because of the DP/DR. I can't live like a tortured soul in Hell for the rest of my life. I didn't ask for things to get this far. I didn't ask to be put on more drugs.

 

One day I hope I can write on here and say, "I had a window! i'm going to make it!" 

And then I can write a book about my horrific experience. 

 

Honestly, in a way I am glad they cold turkeyed me off of Zyprexa, because I was even more of a zombie on it. When those 2 drugs got added and upped in dose, I felt my soul leave my body. 

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Gemma92

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family. It was hard especially because the terror and anhedonia were there throughout it. Still holding on that 11mg. I can't wait to get off of it. 😞

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ShiningLight
3 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family. It was hard especially because the terror and anhedonia were there throughout it.

 

This is really fantastic! Good for you for sticking with it, Gemma! Keep trying to do things like this when you can!

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Erell
4 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family. It was hard especially because the terror and anhedonia were there throughout it. Still holding on that 11mg. I can't wait to get off of it. 😞

 Yeah!!!! It wasn't easy, but you made it! 

 

Don't rush it, you know now you Will heal, even if it's longer than you wish, you Will :) keep holding!

 

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Guilietta
On 10/2/2019 at 8:44 PM, Gemma92 said:

For those of you who are religious, do you think that God will heal me even if I am really damaged?

 

I think you are injured and like all injuries - they heal. Imagine breaking a leg (I did once and it healed just fine!).  I had a plaster cast. I wore it for x weeks (can't remember). Then I graduated to a walking cast. More progress. Then I went to physical therapy and then I was 100%.

 

A friend reminds me that 'God loves me.' Faith is important to get through difficult times - faith in our diety - and faith in ourselves. Our lives are gifts.

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Guilietta
11 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

I managed to watch some of a movie with my family.

 

This is such great news! People leave movie theatres and the room during stressful times in the picture all the time. :)

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Harriet8
On 10/1/2019 at 7:15 PM, Gridley said:

 

Here's the trellis post Rhiannon referred to in her response to icerose87.

 

   On 8/30/2011 at 2:28 PM,  Rhiannon said: 
When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

I find this so helpful (and useful in trying to explain to family and others).  Could anyone provide the research behind this understanding?  Not that I doubt it for a second.  I would like to understand it better myself.  Whilst I have limited energy and focus, a pointer to relevant reading would be much appreciated.  Thank you.

 

 

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Gridley
46 minutes ago, Harriet8 said:

find this so helpful (and useful in trying to explain to family and others).  Could anyone provide the research behind this understanding?  Not that I doubt it for a second.  I would like to understand it better myself.  Whilst I have limited energy and focus, a pointer to relevant reading would be much appreciated.  Thank you.

 

This link contains some of the research behind the trellis concept and having to grow a new brain.

 

Why taper paper: dose-occupancy curves

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Rhiannon

google in the general vicinity of "epigenetics and neuroplasticity" 

But as far as psych drug damage in particular you won't find much, that research isn't being done. I have a general understanding of cell biology and biochemistry because of my academic background, and neurochemistry because of my reading due to my personal interests.  That may be further than you want to go.

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Gemma92

Hello, thank you everyone for your responses and support.  And thank you for the links and advice. I would respond to each of you individually but I just can't now because I am too sick with terror. But please know it helps so much when all of you visit my thread. It helps me get by when I read all your responses.

 

Today I got some organic snacks in the mail. I wasn't too crazy about some of them but I did like a few and will be ordering more of what I liked. The frozen food comes next week. 😔 

 

I hope this can undo the one year of kindling with over 16 drugs. 

 

And I hate being on a drug still but I know I can't get off. I hope I don't get slammed from the lastest cuts I did. 15 to 11mg fairly quick. 11mg is where I will hold for now. 

 

Please pray for me. 😔

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lexapoison

Gemma! That’s awesome you’re getting some good foods coming in! I love it! I hope to hear some improvements from you soon! Please let us know when you get even the slightest relief, fingers crossed you get some soon and can’t wait to hear about it!

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ShiningLight
5 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

And I hate being on a drug still but I know I can't get off.

 

That's one of the worst parts I think. It's a bit torturous. Right there with you. As bad as that feeling is, it's not as bad as trying to get off too fast and suffering though! Better to hold.

 

When you start to get some windows, it will increase your hope and confidence. It's tough when you're doing all of this work and still waiting for those windows. You're doing the right thing though!

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Gemma92
13 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

 

That's one of the worst parts I think. It's a bit torturous. Right there with you. As bad as that feeling is, it's not as bad as trying to get off too fast and suffering though! Better to hold.

 

When you start to get some windows, it will increase your hope and confidence. It's tough when you're doing all of this work and still waiting for those windows. You're doing the right thing though!

Thanks, I hope I get those windows soon. I haven't had a full one since November 1st. Which was before I was poisoned with more drugs for 3 months straight. 😔 I was so happy when it happened. I hope my new diet will speed things up. 

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Gemma92

Today it feels like somebody beat me in the head with a 🔨

 

My symptoms today: 

-Extreme anhedonia

-Severe psychotic fears. I feel like I am going to go crazy and just lose it. 

-suicidal urges

-Head pressure

-DP/DR

-I feel physcially sick, like I need to throw up from the poison in my body...

 

I can't remember who I once was. It was so long ago. 1 year ago today, I was in a SEVERE failed Lexapro reinstament and Ativan withdrawal. Little did I know that that was only the beginning of my torture. I was bedbound and lost weight rapidly. I had at least 25 symptoms. Now, I have less symptoms but the ones I have are so severe that they make my last withdrawal look weak. And now I can feel the damage in my head. I need a miracle. God please help me. 🙏

 

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India
On 8/19/2019 at 7:55 AM, Gemma92 said:

Not one Psychiatrist or neurologist believes any of this withdrawal stuff or so they say. The only ones who believe me are the Homeopathic doctors, Chiropractors and accupunturists. 

@Gemma92 you sound so brave and lucid after going through a horrifically traumatic time. My heart goes out to you. You are a survivor in every sense . You know the truth of withdrawal as does everyone on this site. Keep strong 

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Harriet8
On 10/4/2019 at 8:21 PM, Gridley said:

 

This link contains some of the research behind the trellis concept and having to grow a new brain.

 

Why taper paper: dose-occupancy curves

Thank you, Gridley.  Will take a look as and when energy/focus permits. Much appreciated.

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Harriet8
On 10/4/2019 at 9:26 PM, Rhiannon said:

google in the general vicinity of "epigenetics and neuroplasticity" 

But as far as psych drug damage in particular you won't find much, that research isn't being done. I have a general understanding of cell biology and biochemistry because of my academic background, and neurochemistry because of my reading due to my personal interests.  That may be further than you want to go.

Hi Rhiannon,

Still get a bit muddled finding my way around the site.....think you were responding to me.  Thank you.  I want to understand quite deeply.  Challenge is my brain capacity and attention so limited at the moment, and being able to sit upright etc for long enough.  Will start with link Gridley sent.  But seems to me you have pulled together essentials of what ACTUALLY happens to our brains, info which is invaluable and must be put out there to counter the propaganda which leads so many of us into such catastrophic states of suffering.

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ShiningLight
22 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

 

I can't remember who I once was. It was so long ago. 

 

 

I know it's frightening and upsetting. Just keep focusing on the basics again and again:

 

 Nutrition. Hydration. Gentle movement. Rest. Repeat.

 

That's all you need to worry about right now. Nothing global like identity. Narrow your focus to what you can do right now. And when you get derailed, gently return to it again and again. 

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Gemma92

A few hours after I take the Mirtazapine, my terror picks up more than any part of the day. It's not helping me sleep. I know I have built a tolerance to this drug. I can only sleep because I had a chronic fatigue problem before these drugs ever got involved. I'll still hold on the drug though...

On 10/6/2019 at 2:12 PM, ShiningLight said:

 

I know it's frightening and upsetting. Just keep focusing on the basics again and again:

 

 Nutrition. Hydration. Gentle movement. Rest. Repeat.

 

That's all you need to worry about right now. Nothing global like identity. Narrow your focus to what you can do right now. And when you get derailed, gently return to it again and again. 

Thank you, I'll try 😭🙏

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Gemma92

Hello. I am officially on an organic diet. The first meal was really good. It was a chicken fajita salad. My sister made it for me. I am going to be ordering smoothies too. I hope this makes a difference for me. 😭

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Gemma92

Bad news..... I have absolutely no appetite today. I am not sure if this is the recent change in my diet or from the fast cuts I did from 15 to 11mg. Thinking of food makes me sick. 😔 I ate so good last night too...

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Gemma92

I was able to eat dinner but the terror is getting worse. The cuts have hit me like a truck. I have every "mental illness" known to man all mixed up together. I am so far from who I once was. These drugs destroyed my brain and I am too far gone for repair. And I am still stuck on a dang drug that I said NO to. How did things even escalate this far!?

How did I end up on over 16 drugs!? 😥😥😥😥😢😢😢😞😞😞😞😞😞 God have mercy on my soul...

 

My symptoms never change or leave. They are always the same or get more intense. In my last withdrawal, they always changed. They do not change anymore. Is this a sign my brain is stuck and cannot heal? 😞

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Melissa5000
7 hours ago, Gemma92 said:

Bad news..... I have absolutely no appetite today. I am not sure if this is the recent change in my diet or from the fast cuts I did from 15 to 11mg. Thinking of food makes me sick. 😔 I ate so good last night too...

 

I expect this to be withdrawal. In early withdrawal I had no appetite many times after I did a cut.

 

49 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

My symptoms never change or leave. They are always the same or get more intense. In my last withdrawal, they always changed. They do not change anymore. Is this a sign my brain is stuck and cannot heal? 😞

 

In early withdrawal my symptoms get first worse too. It takes some time before they don't get worse anymore. After that they slowly improve.

My main symptom is pain and that does not change much. It is there all day every day. It is NOT a sign that you cannot heal. The persistent symptoms fade very slowly over time. In the beginning the improvements are so small that you don't even notice the improvements. But the improvements are there and they add up. Some day after some months or half a year you suddenly realize that there are small improvements! The pain might be a little less intense for half an hour or you are crying less than before. Once that happens you have to wait for the improvements to add up to a big snowball. Then the relief finally comes. It can take lots of time but improvements will come for you too. It is just a matter of time!

 

It is very normal to worry that you will never heal in early withdrawal. I did the same and ruminated a lot about it. And I have still a long way to taper. You are in a bad shape and have still some medicine you want to get rid off. That makes it very hard and I totally understand your situation! In despite of my worry and ruminations I finally always improved after a cut. You had many changes so it can take a bit longer before you see the improvements, but they will come! Pay attention to tiny windows: a symptom that is a bit less intense for 5 minutes, or a moment where you have only 199 symptoms insteadof 200........ It seems like nothing in the beginning but this is how it all starts.Think about the snowball! 

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Melissa5000
On 10/2/2019 at 11:10 PM, Gemma92 said:

My oldest cat is 10 years old... He will be dead before I get to be ever reunited with him... He wouldn't even recognize mw anyway. I am crippled and I forget who that person was that loved him. Will my love and feelings come back!? I feel like I had a chemical lobotomy. Please pray for me. 

 

Where is you cat now?

 

Can your cat move to your sister's place where you are staying now?

 

It  can be healing to spend time with your favourite pet. Even if you can see him only for one minute a day in the beginning. From there you can build up the time you spend with your cat. It is a good thing to have someting to look forward too. By seeing your cat, over time your feelings will come back slowly. I am sure!

 

I will pray for you!

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Gemma92

@Melissa5000 Thank you fpr the prayers and for the hope. It means a lot to me. My cats are at parents house. I can't be with them because I have severe terror and the complete inability to feel joy and love for them. My entire self is gone. I am 90% a vegetable. 

I hope those improvements come soon because I am hanging by a thread. The symptoms got worse because I have been cutting the drug. I have stopped now but feel so psychotic 😭

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