thelegend: hoping to get there

[thelegend]

This wave is SO bad! Not sure how much more i can take of it. So frustrating when I felt i was starting to do better...not good, but better.

[Lynnardgirl]

thelegend 

Hopefully you will have a window soon and a long one!

Today I have been in a awful wave too! Not fun and the worse yet

[RachelSusan]

I just read your PM.  Mornings are the worst, they stink.  It is a common thread here on this website.  It sadly can take a while for that aspect of WD to go away.  Burning skin can take a good long time as well. I think I mentioned to you that 2 and a 1/2 years in I still have burning skin on occasion.

 

As for anxiety, it is indeed a gigantic part of WD, however if you had anxiety prior to taking the ADs you could very well have it now as part of your emotional make up rather than it being withdrawal. Or it could be a combination of both. This is something I can't know since I don't know you personally. I just wanted to throw it out there for you to consider. If you did have it prior there are some things you might be able to do that can mitigate it a little.

[thelegend]

7 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

I just read your PM.  Mornings are the worst, they stink.  It is a common thread here on this website.  It sadly can take a while for that aspect of WD to go away.  Burning skin can take a good long time as well. I think I mentioned to you that 2 and a 1/2 years in I still have burning skin on occasion.

 

As for anxiety, it is indeed a gigantic part of WD, however if you had anxiety prior to taking the ADs you could very well have it now as part of your emotional make up rather than it being withdrawal. Or it could be a combination of both. This is something I can't know since I don't know you personally. I just wanted to throw it out there for you to consider. If you did have it prior there are some things you might be able to do that can mitigate it a little.

Are you thinking that because I have not changed anything for 6 months and still struggling so bad that it might be my “new anxiety normal” and won’t get better? If that is the case, to be honest, I am not sure what I would do. I can’t live like this if this is my new normal. Anyone out there taken longer than 6 months to stabilize and got back to feeling good or at least not terrible again?

[insistpersistresist]

Maybe you could ask one of the administrators to give advice on your situation. Do not worry about this being your new normal at all. Or that this is how you will be forever. I know you are needing a window to feel more hopeful—I have been there too. Please reach out to the admin if possible to see if they can speak to your situation. People do really mean well when they write advice or respond, but another’s situation or their course of withdrawal or state of being does not mean it will be the same for you. Sending good thoughts your way!

[RachelSusan]

No that is not what I said.  What I am saying is that if you were anxious prior to going on the meds it is possible that you have a combo of withdrawal anxiety and the anxiety you had prior to going on the meds.. I am not saying this is your new normal. I repeat, I am not saying this is your new normal.  I deeply regret using the words "emotional makeup" in responding to you because they seem to have disturbed you, but at the time I wrote my response to your PM I was a little short on words.  I can indeed see where those words did not convey clearly what I was trying to say and that was bad on my part. I apologize for the confusion and upset.

 

I also think that Insistpersistresist is right, perhaps you might want to reach out to one of the Mods here.

 

I wish you the best.

 

 

 

[Lynnardgirl]

I have been waiting over 9 months to stabilize and I’m feeling worse not better!

Yes it makes me very worried but I’m just trying to accept what ever my body needs to do so I can heal!

I know we will Heal! 

[thelegend]

@RachelSusan you are so awesome and have always been so great to me. It really wasn’t anything you said, just my own insecurity of being “stuck this way” coming out. 6 months just seems like a really long time to be so far from stable, but to be fair, I have really but my nervous system through the ringer this last year with all the changes I made prior to my reinstatement and hold. Don’t feel bad for anything you said, and I think you are correct, it probably is a mix of actual anxiety (especially caused from work stress ie vacations being much better for me) and the WD or chemical anxiety. Rachel you could never say anything to me you would need to apologize for, you have literally saved my life on more than one occasion.

1 hour ago, Lynnardgirl said:

I have been waiting over 9 months to stabilize and I’m feeling worse not better!

Yes it makes me very worried but I’m just trying to accept what ever my body needs to do so I can heal!

I know we will Heal! 

Ugh, it is just the worst, these bad waves this far out:

[thelegend]

2 hours ago, insistpersistresist said:

Maybe you could ask one of the administrators to give advice on your situation. Do not worry about this being your new normal at all. Or that this is how you will be forever. I know you are needing a window to feel more hopeful—I have been there too. Please reach out to the admin if possible to see if they can speak to your situation. People do really mean well when they write advice or respond, but another’s situation or their course of withdrawal or state of being does not mean it will be the same for you. Sending good thoughts your way!

thank you, sometimes we just need to hear that our fears are not real.

[Tom37]

Mate, 6 months is unfortunately not long when talking withdrawal and stabilising. It can be a long process but improvements happen. You need to learn to look at your progress in months not weeks or days as improvement can be so slow. 

 

Im still dealing with wd at almost 12 months out. Am I better than the first 6 months? Yes quite a lot better and I continue to get better so it does happen. You just can’t put a time frame on it.

 

Only you will know if the anxiety is ‘yours’ or wd but I would guess the majority or it is wd. Even if a little bit is ‘yours’ it will feel worse as wd amplifies everything. You wouldn’t believe the crazy thoughts and fears I’ve had in my journey but it gets better.

 

Hang in there.

[Giulietta]

Hello legend,

 

I feel your despair and frustration over ongoing WD symptoms - anxiety is a prominent WD symptom that takes a long time to leave us.

 

One question/observation I wonder about my case -  for what is worth - is that prior to ADs and WD - I have experienced  anxiety - as is normal for all people. However, the anxiety, restlessness, agitation,  and related symptoms - palpitations (a new WD symptom for me recently) which I have experienced since CT in December 2018 - are not the usual anxiety I would experience. So - I hope that in time - this anxiety will go away.

 

It is my understanding from veterans here that anxiety is one of the last WD symptom to leave us.

 

I have been coping with WD symptoms from CT from cymbalta in summer of 2018 (follolwed by reintstement in fall 2018) and then CT from cymbalta (medical error) in December 2018. My symptoms have overall improved - although I continue to experience waves and windows. Anxiety is my #1 issue.

 

10 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Im still dealing with wd at almost 12 months out. Am I better than the first 6 months? Yes quite a lot better and I continue to get better so it does happen. You just can’t put a time frame on it.

 

Ditto for me.

 

Mods are the experts - but we can all relate that we may be having the same issues/questions/concerns.

 

Have had bouts of terrible anxiety the past 10 days if it's any consolation.

 

Do you work?

 

Hang in there

Giuilietta

[Lynnardgirl]

14 hours ago, thelegend said:

@RachelSusan you are so awesome and have always been so great to me. It really wasn’t anything you said, just my own insecurity of being “stuck this way” coming out. 6 months just seems like a really long time to be so far from stable, but to be fair, I have really but my nervous system through the ringer this last year with all the changes I made prior to my reinstatement and hold. Don’t feel bad for anything you said, and I think you are correct, it probably is a mix of actual anxiety (especially caused from work stress ie vacations being much better for me) and the WD or chemical anxiety. Rachel you could never say anything to me you would need to apologize for, you have literally saved my life on more than one occasion.

Ugh, it is just the worst, these bad waves this far out:

I know today another awful wave ! 

Just want to start healing 

[thelegend]

17 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Mate, 6 months is unfortunately not long when talking withdrawal and stabilising. It can be a long process but improvements happen. You need to learn to look at your progress in months not weeks or days as improvement can be so slow. 

 

Im still dealing with wd at almost 12 months out. Am I better than the first 6 months? Yes quite a lot better and I continue to get better so it does happen. You just can’t put a time frame on it.

 

Only you will know if the anxiety is ‘yours’ or wd but I would guess the majority or it is wd. Even if a little bit is ‘yours’ it will feel worse as wd amplifies everything. You wouldn’t believe the crazy thoughts and fears I’ve had in my journey but it gets better.

 

Hang in there.

Your story gives me hope tom that I can indeed start to improve. I am deciding today to clean up my diet, cutting worst offenders of Sugar and Caffeine. Hopefully this can help.

[thelegend]

17 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Mate, 6 months is unfortunately not long when talking withdrawal and stabilising. It can be a long process but improvements happen. You need to learn to look at your progress in months not weeks or days as improvement can be so slow. 

 

Im still dealing with wd at almost 12 months out. Am I better than the first 6 months? Yes quite a lot better and I continue to get better so it does happen. You just can’t put a time frame on it.

 

Only you will know if the anxiety is ‘yours’ or wd but I would guess the majority or it is wd. Even if a little bit is ‘yours’ it will feel worse as wd amplifies everything. You wouldn’t believe the crazy thoughts and fears I’ve had in my journey but it gets better.

 

Hang in there.

Your story gives me hope tom that I can indeed start to improve. I am deciding today to clean up my diet, cutting worst offenders of Sugar and Caffeine. Hopefully this can help.

 

@Guilietta - thanks for your insights. It does seem for me that anxiety is the last symptom to show improvement, that has been true in my case. Yes I work, I actually work quite a bit 50+ hours a week, and have a very successful financial advising practice that I have miraculously continued to do incredibly well at throughout this process.

[Cocopuffz17]

1 hour ago, thelegend said:

Your story gives me hope tom that I can indeed start to improve. I am deciding today to clean up my diet, cutting worst offenders of Sugar and Caffeine. Hopefully this can help.

That is awesome ! It will definitely help. When I slip with my nutrition and have sugar and lectin rich foods I get smashed with withdrawals. Definitely reminds me to keep my nutrition in check! You can do it! 

[Giulietta]

@Cocopuffz17

 

Quite right about the sugar. When I have had more refined carbs and sugar - I am inclined to more WD.

 

@thelegend

Good for you working successfully during this time.

 

Do you meditate and use CBT to help manage anxiety?

[Erell]

Hi

I just read your thread and discover that you work during this hard process. 

I really admire you for this: you are stronger than you think!

I hope you are proud of yourself, you can be

Keep hanging on !

[BadMedicine]

@thelegend I too am tapering from zoloft. It is a nasty drug that has I think completely changed my personality so that I now find social interaction extremely difficult due to high anxiety (I think it is the zoloft that did this but am on other things as well so can't be completely certain). Anxiety ducks so I feel your pain. Sounds like you weren't like this before you took the drug so it is most likely withdrawal. I don't get anxiety from withdrawal but really crushing depression. Worse than anything I experienced before taking the drug. It took nearly 9 months for this to subside after I dropped from 200 to 50 over the course of 6 weeks. But subside it did. It got better so slowly that I almost didn't notice it happen and it wasn't linear. In fact towards the end of my symptoms before recovery I had some of the worst and longest waves. So hang in there. Being in a wave means your brain is adjusting itself. Hopefully you'll come out the other side that bit better than before the wave. Hang in there. It will get better.

[thelegend]

@Guilietta - I try to use CBT and Claire Weekes methods, but the anxiety comes on so strong it often swamps me. I pray, but don’t meditate...maybe I should.

 

@Cocopuffz17 - I know diet helped you a lot, hoping I can have similar results. 
 

@Erell - thanks for your kind words, it has been very hard to continue to work, especially as work seems to exacerbate my withdrawal as I am much better on vacation.

 

@BadMedicine - yeah seems like we are on the same poison on both fronts. So you found a hold of 9 months finally helped?

 

That is my biggest worry, that now that I am six months in I am past the point where people seem to get stable, therefore I am not going to get better. I do feel like I get better every night and that it is earlier than it was months ago when it would get better around 9-10PM. Now it seems to start getting better around 5-6PM.

[Giulietta]

55 minutes ago, thelegend said:

I pray, but don’t meditate...maybe I should.

 

I'm not consistent or good at meditating - but will do better. Going to church helps me feel a lot better.
 

59 minutes ago, thelegend said:

That is my biggest worry, that now that I am six months in I am past the point where people seem to get stable, therefore I am not going to get better.

 

I re-read your and Tom's messages above and 6 months is not a long time (unfortunately) when it comes to WD and stabilizing.  I exceed the 6 month window - have improved a lot -but still a long way to go.

 

Be positive...even when it's hard. And kudos to you for working through it.

[Cocopuffz17]

2 hours ago, thelegend said:

 

@Cocopuffz17 - I know diet helped you a lot, hoping I can have similar results. 

 

That is my biggest worry, that now that I am six months in I am past the point where people seem to get stable, therefore I am not going to get better. I do feel like I get better every night and that it is earlier than it was months ago when it would get better around 9-10PM. Now it seems to start getting better around 5-6PM.

I hope so as well! 
 

That is great improvement! I used to feel the same way! I felt terrible all day and hours slowly got shaved off and now I feel better more than I feel bad and I know it will continue to get better! 

[thelegend]

So @Tom37, you were still doing very poorly at 6 months into a hold, but doing much better now? Sorry for the questions, but a really tough day today and looking for some hope.

[thelegend]

Anyone tried or have any experience with a genesight year or a food sensitivity test? Looking for anything I can put some hope in.

[Tom37]

The first 3 to 4 months we’re the worst for me but I was still not good at 6 months out. Those first 3 to 4 months every day I thought about ending my life as there was no other way to stop the suffering. I didnt want to do it but that’s where my mind went. Was still getting hit by big waves at 6 months and they were constant. My baseline was seeing improvement as I went along but it was so slow. I had my last huge wave at about 8 months. I still get waves but the are not anywhere as bad as they were. Still expect them to continue until my baseline is pretty much symptom free. 

 

Most of my symptoms where physical and lost track of how many of them I’ve had as just so many and in different forms but the one thing I never got was the physical anxiety that so many people get. I do get a sense of fear of stupid things during waves but it’s not anxiety - if that makes any sense.

 

Im in a wave at the moment and while not as bad as earlier ones it’s still not fun and still feeling like I have always felt like this and will never feel better again. 

 

I try to think of waves as a a necessary evil to get to recovery. At least by getting waves you know that this brain and cns of yours is working to adjust itself back to its normal settings. 

 

Keep hanging in there because it does get better and don’t compare yourself to others as we are all different. If you search deep enough you will find members were it has taken them up to two years to reach stability do don’t stress about your timeline. 

 

Finally, be proud of yourself for coming this far as it’s the hardest thing you will ever go through especially when we have to suffer in silence all while continuing to work, be a husband and a father etc.

 

 

[Lynnardgirl]

5 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

The first 3 to 4 months we’re the worst for me but I was still not good at 6 months out. Those first 3 to 4 months every day I thought about ending my life as there was no other way to stop the suffering. I didnt want to do it but that’s where my mind went. Was still getting hit by big waves at 6 months and they were constant. My baseline was seeing improvement as I went along but it was so slow. I had my last huge wave at about 8 months. I still get waves but the are not anywhere as bad as they were. Still expect them to continue until my baseline is pretty much symptom free. 

 

Most of my symptoms where physical and lost track of how many of them I’ve had as just so many and in different forms but the one thing I never got was the physical anxiety that so many people get. I do get a sense of fear of stupid things during waves but it’s not anxiety - if that makes any sense.

 

Im in a wave at the moment and while not as bad as earlier ones it’s still not fun and still feeling like I have always felt like this and will never feel better again. 

 

I try to think of waves as a a necessary evil to get to recovery. At least by getting waves you know that this brain and cns of yours is working to adjust itself back to its normal settings. 

 

Keep hanging in there because it does get better and don’t compare yourself to others as we are all different. If you search deep enough you will find members were it has taken them up to two years to reach stability do don’t stress about your timeline. 

 

Finally, be proud of yourself for coming this far as it’s the hardest thing you will ever go through especially when we have to suffer in silence all while continuing to work, be a husband and a father etc.

 

 

 

5 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

The first 3 to 4 months we’re the worst for me but I was still not good at 6 months out. Those first 3 to 4 months every day I thought about ending my life as there was no other way to stop the suffering. I didnt want to do it but that’s where my mind went. Was still getting hit by big waves at 6 months and they were constant. My baseline was seeing improvement as I went along but it was so slow. I had my last huge wave at about 8 months. I still get waves but the are not anywhere as bad as they were. Still expect them to continue until my baseline is pretty much symptom free. 

 

Most of my symptoms where physical and lost track of how many of them I’ve had as just so many and in different forms but the one thing I never got was the physical anxiety that so many people get. I do get a sense of fear of stupid things during waves but it’s not anxiety - if that makes any sense.

 

Im in a wave at the moment and while not as bad as earlier ones it’s still not fun and still feeling like I have always felt like this and will never feel better again. 

 

I try to think of waves as a a necessary evil to get to recovery. At least by getting waves you know that this brain and cns of yours is working to adjust itself back to its normal settings. 

 

Keep hanging in there because it does get better and don’t compare yourself to others as we are all different. If you search deep enough you will find members were it has taken them up to two years to reach stability do don’t stress about your timeline. 

 

Finally, be proud of yourself for coming this far as it’s the hardest thing you will ever go through especially when we have to suffer in silence all while continuing to work, be a husband and a father etc.

 

 

Tom37

Are you still tapering?.

[RachelSusan]

Legend,

 

I just started to feel better at 3 months.  It took many months after that to feel closer to normal. I've been doing this for three years and four months now.  I can say the last six months have felt normal, except when I taper, then I will get a mild flare up of symptoms.

 

While I had mild amount of anxiety I often had other very debilitating symptoms. Dizziness, with the room undulating and spinning, tremors and shakes, nausea, physical pain with the tremors, cortisol spikes, insomnia, cognitive confusion  and many other symptoms. I did heal from all these awful things.

 

I do think the anxiety is awful. The very worst and I know you are suffering.   However I have read a lot of stories on this site of people that have gone through it, including me, and healed. I think you are headed in a good direction.  And the fact that you are still working is amazing.

[thelegend]

@Tom37, @RachelSusan, thanks for your insights and encouragement. You guys are awesome and give me so much hope that is will get better.

 

Is it bad if I change the timing of my doses? Right now I take Zyprexa at night and Zoloft in the morning, but I am sick of doing it this way and would rather just take both at night. I feel I can be more consistent in the time of day as I don’t get up at the same time every day, but I do usually go to bed at the same time. Any thoughts, could changing a couple of hours make any difference?

[Tom37]

I would ask the moderators for their advice as moving from morning to night may be best done gradually over a number of days.

 

How is your sleep anyway? Not sure if moving it to the evening would have any effect on it but something to think about.

 

 

[thelegend]

18 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

I would ask the moderators for their advice as moving from morning to night may be best done gradually over a number of days.

 

How is your sleep anyway? Not sure if moving it to the evening would have any effect on it but something to think about.

 

 

Sleep is ok, I fall asleep fine but wake at like 5:30 - 6:30 with high anxiety. Crazy thing is when I wake a little earlier (twice for smoke alarm batteries and once to use the bathroom) from 3:30 to 4:30, I have ZERO anxiety and fall back to sleep feeling great. Then wake an hour or two later with extreme anxiety. Anyway, that is my sleep, any mods have an opinion on moving dose from morning to night of Zoloft? @Gridley, @brassmonkey?

[RachelSusan]

Hi Legend,

 

I don't know anything about Zyprexa so I would suggest you do what you have already done, ask a Mod. Glad to see you have reached out to them.

[Gridley]

6 hours ago, thelegend said:

mods have an opinion on moving dose from morning to night of Zoloft?

Since Zoloft is an activating drug, moving from morning to night could have an adverse effect on your sleep. I wouldn't move it.

 

[thelegend]

I am struggling so bad guys, just not coming out of this wave. Feel like I am just getting worse and worse. What do I do? Do I change something? I am just so frustrated at this point.

[thelegend]

Not sure what to do at this point, seriously considering checking into a hospital, I can’t keep living like this!

[brassmonkey]

I'll go along with Gridley in saying that it would be best to keep your dosing as it is.  Any changes will just cause more problems.

 

A lot of people do begin to stabilize by six months, but a lot don't.  It can take a frustratingly long time for some people to settle in.  From reading back in your posts it seems that there have been some improvements and things are slowly getting better.  Your evening anxiety is clearing up and sleep seems better.  Stability will happen, and I know you don't want to hear it but it's going to take some time to get there.

 

Checking into a hospital will undo all the hard work you've put into this.  All they will do is fill you full of other drugs and send you on your way.  Then you'll have all those drugs and their symptoms and interactions to deal with on top of what is already happening.  In affect it will set you back a lot further than square one.

[BadMedicine]

Yes 9 months after dropping the dose radically I feel a lot more stable. Still not completely back to normal but still on 37.5mg of the poison. You're right it definitely is poison - never did anything good for me really - just the odd good day here and there which is why I stuck with it for so long. Was waiting for the good times to get longer. Never happened so i decided to get off it. During the 9 months after the big drop I had plenty of times when I felt like I was never going to get better and got so desperate that I felt like going to the hospital. As brass monkey has said though I think that it would be counter- productive as what can they do but give you more drugs. Try to hang in there. I'm sure it will get better for you. I know it's tough and you have to have the patience of a saint. The body is hardwired to get you back to the state you were before you took any drugs. It just takes time (which I know you don't want to hear). 

 

[thelegend]

@BadMedicine - Do you still take the olanzapine?