Manami: is there any hope for me?

[Manami]

Hello, 

 

I'm new here 😄 

My name is Manami, I'm 22 years old, male and live in Austria. 

 

First of all, I know that it's my fault, that I'm in this situation and I'm responsible for this mess, but I just want to get help and some advice how to make it better. 

 

My story: 

 

One year ago I started to have panic attacks every day and my anxiety started to get out of control. I had since my early teen years mild anxiety and depression, but was always against any kind of medication. 

But the panic attacks were horrible and my life so stressfull at that time, so I went to a doctor and he prescribed me Lexapro. I was against medication, but the panic attacks were so horrible, that I decided to try it. 

 

I took Lexapro for 6 months and had less anxiety, but felt like a Robot without emotions and became very lazy. 

After the 6 months I had problems with my health insurance and also wanted to quit the medication, so I stopped taking them cold turkey. I know it was a very bad idea, but at that time I didn't know much about psychiatric drugs in general and just wanted to quit it. 

 

The withdrawal was bad, I had derealization and very bad depression and some other symptoms. But I thought that it will go away after some time. One day, 1 or 2 months after I quit the medication I had a very stressfull day (family problems) that resulted in a heavy panic attack and nervous breakdown. 

 

So I was put into a hospital, were they said I have to take medication again. First they gave me Zoloft, but I responded bad to this medication. Had terrible anxiety and insomnia. After that a doctor decided to try Abilify instead and it was the worst nightmare I ever had in my entire life. I thought that I was going to die. Had a heart rate of 150 + blood pressure 180/80 the whole day. After that I was mess, scared to even get out of my bed. The doctors said that I should just go back to Lexapro + Xanax. 

 

So I started again with Lexapro and took for some weeks Xanax. 

 

I just don't know what to do any more. I feel hopeless and broken. My cognitive abilities are so bad, I don't feel like myself anymore. Lost all of my passion, desires and dreams for the Future.

I want to quit Lexapro again (of course with the right tapper now), but I'm just so scared now. 

Want my old self back Is there any hope to regain my old self back? 

[Sassenach]

Hello Manami and welcome to SA.

 

This site is run entirely by volunteer Administrators and Moderators, all have been through or going through withdrawal.

There are no commercial interests or influences involved involved .

 

I am sorry you are having such a rough time but you are now in the right place.

 

To begin we need information regarding your drugs.

19 hours ago, Manami said:

I took Lexapro for 6 months and had less anxiety, but felt like a Robot without emotions and became very lazy.

When did you start and finish the Lexapro, what was the dose?

 

19 hours ago, Manami said:

First they gave me Zoloft,

When and what dose?

 

19 hours ago, Manami said:

After that a doctor decided to try Abilify

When and what dose?

 

19 hours ago, Manami said:

back to Lexapro

When did you start this, what dose?

 

19 hours ago, Manami said:

Xanax.

When did you start this, what dose, are you still taking it?

 

Have you taken any supplements in the last two years?

I realise you may not remember exact dates but please be as accurate as possible, it helps us assess your present condition.

19 hours ago, Manami said:

First of all, I know that it's my fault,

 

It is not your fault. You trusted doctors as most of us do and expected them to help you.

The reality is doctors and psychs know nothing about W/D ( withdrawal ).

They prescribe one drug and use another to help with side effects, then increase dosage because it does not work, and on and on.

 

Here are some links which will help you understand what is happening and how we will move forward.

windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/

why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

derealization-or-depersonalization-dr-and-dp/

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable/

brain-fog-blank-mind-comprehension-concentration-cognitive-and-memory-problems/

 

 

19 hours ago, Manami said:

Want my old self back Is there any hope to regain my old self back? 

Yes there is but it will take time and there will be ups and downs along the way.

You are young so time is and youth are on your side.

As soon as we recieve the drugs info. we can assess your situation.

In the meantime DO NOT MAKE ANY CHANGE TO YOUR CURRENT MEDS please.

Please feel free to browse the site, it is a wealth of info.

Other members threads will give you an insight and the opportunity to share experiences.

 

Again welcome.

 

Sassenach

Edited August 26, 2019 by Sassenach
edit

[Carmie]

Hi Manami, 

 

Welcome to SA from me too. Like Sass said it’s not your fault you’re in this predicament. I’ve been on and off so many meds as well, trusting people. We can’t look back though, all we can do is look forward. 

 

Could you please answer Sassenach’s questions. Thanks a lot. We need a bit more information.

 

Please let us know how you’re doing, sending hugs🤗

[Manami]

Thanks for the warm welcome 😊

 

Sorry for the late reply, had a hard time

 

The Questions: 

 

Lexapro:

I started Lexapro in June 2018 and took it until December 2018. The Dose was from June - October 10mg, in October the doctor switched to 5mg, because I said that I felt very numb. 

I quit Lexapro in December cold turkey. 

 

Started Lexapro again in June 2019, 5mg. 

 

Zoloft/Abilify: 

I took Zoloft only for a few days in April 2019. I had a massive panic attack/breakdown and the doctor wanted me to try Zoloft. Had a very bad response to it and quit it after few days.

After that the doctor wanted to try Abilify. One pill later I had the worst nightmare of my life. Quit it after one pill. 

 

Xanax: 

I used Xanax the first time in June 2018, few weeks prior the starting of Lexapro. I took 0.5mg few times a week for 1-2 weeks to handle my panic attacks. When I started to take Lexapro I quit Xanax. 

 

I took Xanax again the whole May 2019, 0.25mg few times a week, to handle my anxiety after my experience with the Abilify (seriously, this experience gave me Nightmares for one month straight) 

 

Supplements: 

I took B vitamins after I quit Lexapro for few weeks. 

Currently I'm taking fish oil, magnesium and Vitamin C. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

57 minutes ago, Manami said:

I started Lexapro in June 2018 and took it until December 2018. The Dose was from June - October 10mg, in October the doctor switched to 5mg, because I said that I felt very numb.

Did you experience withdrawal symptoms when you reduced the dose from 10mgs to 5mgs?

 

59 minutes ago, Manami said:

quit Lexapro in December cold turkey. 

 

Why did you quit?

 

59 minutes ago, Manami said:

Started Lexapro again in June 2019, 5mg. 

Why did you restart and did your doctor suggect the dose?

Are you still taking this dose?

Why are you taking vitamin C. Is it for a specific diagnosed condition?

Currently are you therefore only taking 5mgs Lexapro + supplements?

 

In order to help you you we need to ensure we have 100% correct information.

 

From the information we have so far you experiencing withdrawal symptoms from med. and dose changes.

On 8/25/2019 at 9:44 PM, Manami said:

Is there any hope to regain my old self back? 

Yes there is, but only time can heal.

But we can help.

Just to reassure yourself see the link below:

success-stories-recovery-from-withdrawal/

Once we have the answers to the questions above we can advise you.

 

Sassenach

 

[Manami]

Yes, I experienced some withdrawal symptoms when I reduced from 10 to 5mgs. I was very anxious and had panic attacks. After a few days it was gone. 

 

I quit Lexapro because I no longer wanted to take meds. Lexapro made me very numb and lazy. 

 

I restarted Lexapro because I was very anxious all the time and thought that maybe it would help me to stabilize me. Yes, the doctor suggected me to restart Lexapro and the dose. I'm currently only taking the 5mgs + supplements. 

 

Nah, I'm taking the Vitamin C for no specific reasons. I just thought that maybe it would be good for me to take it, because I'm not eating very clean (Fast Food). 

[Sassenach]

The reinstatement dose was much higher than we would have suggested.

See:

about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

It may still be possible to reduce the dose but I will ask for input from other mods.

As you have been taking the current dose for 3 months your CNS will have started to adjust so caution is needed.

 

Sassenach.

PS. You will need to improve your diet to help you through this.

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Manami.

 

What drugs are you taking now, at what dosages, and what times of day? How do you feel before and after you take each drug? How's your sleep?

 

Please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms throughout the day. You can post 24 hours of notes at a time in this topic, with a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom or drug and dosage) on the right. We need this information to figure out what to do.

[ChessieCat]

33 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms throughout the day.

 

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Posted September 28, 2016 (edited)

Keep notes on paper about your daily symptom pattern and drug dosing

 

Are your symptoms worse at any particular times of day? A symptom pattern that occurs regularly over several days could mean the symptoms are from withdrawal, other adverse effects of drugs, or something else you do on a daily schedule.

 

In the course of discussion in your Introductions forum topic, you may be asked to keep notes on paper of your daily symptom pattern, including when you take your drugs, their dosages, and any symptoms. We ask this because there may be something we can do to reduce the symptoms.

 

What we need to see for every single day over several days is what symptoms you get before and after you take your drugs. If you're not taking any drugs and have withdrawal symptoms, we still need to see your symptom pattern throughout the day:

 

The time of day, dosage, and severity of symptoms are essential information. Include

 

- Time and dosage for all drugs taken throughout the day, psychiatric and non-psychiatric.

- Following each dose, note any symptoms. If you are having a reaction to the drug, it may take hours for a symptom to show up -- that's why we ask you to keep notes all day long.

- If you're not taking any drugs, your symptoms throughout the day.

- Your sleep pattern. Since so many drugs disturb sleep, if you find you're waking in the middle of the night, it could be from a drug you took earlier in the evening. If you're not taking any drugs, there may be ways you can improve your sleep.

And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, looking something like this:
 

Example:

DATE:

 

6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

[Manami]

Hello, Altostrata and ChessieCat.

 

Quote

What drugs are you taking now, at what dosages, and what times of day? How do you feel before and after you take each drug? How's your sleep?

 

I´m currently taking only Lexapro, 5mgs in the evening before I go to bed.  Always took Lexapro in the late afternoon or evening. 

My sleep is ok, but could be better.  I sleep 7-8 hours but I wake up in the middle of the night frequently. 

 

Quote

Are your symptoms worse at any particular times of day?

 

Yes, I have anxiety in the morning when I wake up.

It´s mild but lasts for several hours, I feel best in the late afternoon/evening. 

 

Can I start to reduce the dosage to 4,5mgs? And is the tappering done with a fine scale? 

 

 

 

Edit:  I dont have a really healthy lifestyle right now. 

My breakfast is usually healthy (oatmeal), but Lunch is mostly fast food crap. Dinner depends if I´m eating at home or with friends at a fast food restaurant. 

I read in the forum that paleo diet helped some people, should I consider to change my diet to help the upcoming withdrawal process? And are there any considerable no go´s besides caffeine and alcohol? 

 

 

Thanks  

 

 

 

 

 

DATE: 17th September 

 

8. a.m. woke with anxiety (feeling tense, disturbing and anxious thoughts) 

10. a.m . Breakfast and Omega 3  

12.  p.m.  Anxiety starts to go away 

15.  p.m.  Lunch some Vitamin C;  anxiety is gone 

19.  p. m.  Dinner; 300mg Magnesium 

22.  p. m.  Lexapro 5mgs 

2 or 3 p.m.  waking up after a dream, mild anxiety and then sleeping again 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gridley]

Manami,

 

Thanks for posting your daily symptom pattern. Please continue for the next few days.

 

Regarding tapering from 5mg to 4.5mg, I would wait.  You reinstated around September 9, only two weeks ago.  I would hold there and let your system stabilize.  This may take a few months.  I know you want the drug out of your system, but your system needs more time before you make changes.  

 

Kelly Brogan, M.D., an anti-drug psychiatrist, has reported her patients do well on a diet rich in red meat.  We don't have a specific diet that we recommend, but it would be helpful to you to eat less junk food.  

 

Sugar is another food that can be very activating and you might want to avoid it.  Fast food has a lot of sugar in it.

 

[Manami]

Hello, Gridley. 

 

Quote

  know you want the drug out of your system, but your system needs more time before you make changes.  

 

Yes, I understand this, but it´s so frustrating. Just want to quit this drug once and for all  

This whole story with psychiatric drugs messed me really up and takes a lot of nerve very day. It´s now better as before, but the frightening memories will haunt me forever I guess. This whole thing changed me as a person and I hate it so much. 

 

Never imagined before, that psychiatric drugs could be that nasty, escpecially to withdraw from.

 

Quote

Sugar is another food that can be very activating and you might want to avoid it.  Fast food has a lot of sugar in it.

 

Yeah, I experienced it today. Ate some chocolate & sweets and it made me very nervous and anxious afterwards 😒  I will try to avoid sweets in the future and eat less junk food. 

 

 

DATE: 18th September 

 

8.30 a.m. woke up with mild anxiety 

10 a.m. Breakfast, Omega 3 

15  p. m.  light lunch,  anxiety is gone 

19  p. m.  Dinner, Magnesium 300 mgs 

22  p. m.  Lexapro 5 mgs 

3 or 4 p. m. (cant remember it) woke up and then felt asleep again 

[Gridley]

41 minutes ago, Manami said:

the frightening memories will haunt me forever I guess. This whole thing changed me as a person and I hate it so much. 

From the success stories I've read here on SA, once you're finally through with withdrawal, members tend to not look back and not be haunted.

 

Once you're on the other side of all this, you may be changed as a person but the reports I've read indicate that the change is for the better.