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Musa

Musa: on a long journey, hope for guidance

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Musa

Hey everybody,

 

As the title says, I'm new on the site but I've been on a long journey fighting with depression and withdrawal from several drugs. I still have a long path to go and I think it's time I drop by and seek guidance from moderators and everybody else here on a similar path. Hope you'll hear me out and thank you for this site. I have been stalking you sporadically for almost 2 years and I have found lots of explanations for my horrible experiences which I couldn’t explain for such a long time. I have done so many things wrong and this cost me too much. I was hesitant to join because of several reasons but maybe mostly because I'm undergoing an intense psychotherapy which I wanted to focus on and so I wanted to keep distance from all the suffering here same as I wanted to keep everybody from my own. My new approach was to focus on my emotional world and not neuro biological like I always done in the past. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, and felt so but now I am very confused, tired and lost....

 

I'm not sure what is happening to me, what are life stressors in the present, what is childhood trauma and recent past stressors, what is WD.  I hope somebody can help me evaluate my progress and situation so I would be able to finish what I started and that is to be drug free someday. I was so determined to do it just until recently, now I’m very demoralized and negative.   

 

With respect for everybody's stories, I'm a complicated one, I'll try to be brief but there is just so much. I know the resent WD is most important but everything seems interconnected since I've been walking this dark path for nearly 2 decades and I've been on most of SSRI but other drugs as well, some pretty strong combos.

 

Pardon my English, I'm not native. I'm 38 years old male who likes outdoors, being active in life, spend time in nature and with people but I've been dealing with depression and taking most of AD drugs from when I was 19 or 20 years old. My childhood was tough. I was a very good athlete, quite emotional but healthy optimistic kid but at the age of 16 I entered the world of street drugs. I started with marijuana but soon I was overusing everything in a mix from ecstasy, amphetamines, cocaine and heroin. I've hit the bottom at around the age of 19 -20 but I managed to get out of it. I was dealing with everything alone without a family support and this was my primary mission, to keep away from the street. I did ask for help since I was very depressive and I've been taking antidepressants ever since. Doctors at the time said that I've damaged my brain and that I need chemicals same as diabetics need insulin. I've tried many SSRI but mostly I was on Prozac 20 mg and occasionally some benzos like diazapine. I have had good and bad periods during the next 10 years, but I was hoping I'll someday manage to win the fight against depression which was caused by street drugs. I didn't know any better so with the help of the drugs ( which were fixing me, ha) and my own doings in life, I thought in time everything will fall into place. I have tried to come of the Prozac several times during the good periods but my depression would come back after while so I would simply get back on the drug as doctors recommended. The period from 2008-2010 was great because I've managed to let go some things from the past and live without the burden of the street. This is what I call my BC time.

 

In my AD time, so from around 2010., instead of wining my fight I have started losing. Prozac pooped out and around the same time I've developed severe ED symptoms. I've visited my shrink after 5 years or so and I was prescribed Wellbutrin, after 7 years I CT-ed Prozac. This has resulted in a disaster. I have developed strong state of depersonalization and derealisation. My first anti-psychotic was then prescribed  -Seroquel. After about 6 months I came back to "normal" and CT it, then started Zoloft as my new strategy instead of Prozac more from fear than from real depression as I was ok at the time. My ED and depression were back. Things are going bad from here, I was changing drug after drug  and I was sinking deeper and deeper. For a period I have quit all drugs and I would call this my first real withdrawal suffering even though I wasn't aware of it and I was convinced by my doctor that I have chronic depression and need to find my AD that works and that I'll have to take it lifelong. I had my doubts but I didn't know anything about WD, I didn't have all this info.  Eventually I was functional and ok. I have started my own business, had lots of friends, I was active in life but from the inside I was broken, some old childhood traumas were bugging me. To deal with it I was pushing myself in business and activities, so running away from it, I was trying to beat my emotions with my mind and action.

 

In 2015. my life was on a lift. I was feeling successful and that things are falling in place around me but I wasn't great. I still had ED problems and in general I started to believe that the drugs could be the problem so I cold turkied Lexapo. Another disaster happened, off course. This time it was really bad. For the first time in my life I wasn't able to take care of my self, I was stuck to my bed, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't walk, I couldn't think, I lost mind mind, I was extremely depressed. I was suffering really badly and I couldn't explain it to my self. I have changed 4 doctors hoping to find an explanation similar to this site but I just was keep getting the same answers, that my depression came back and I need meds.as a primary tool.  As I was really bad, my company was suffering too so I had to try to get back on my feet and all of a sudden I was on a cocktail of 4 drugs: Effexor XR 150, Seroguel 75 mg, Lamictal 100 mg and 4 x 0,5  Diazepam. 

 

This was a real horror, but after couple of months on this cocktail I was back on my feet, I was back to work- very stressful, seasonal work with long hours . To cut the story short I was far from good but I was functional, despite severe insomnia, chronic diarrhea, depression.... doctors kept changing drugs partially because I was complaining so in the next period I have been up dosed effexor to 225mg, tried the Abilify and eventually after three years of insomnia I tried Remeron ( 2017).

 

I have started reducing the meds on my own from 2016-2017 sort of with an goal to find the lowest possible dose. By the beginning of 2017 I have reduced everything to 56 mg Effexor XR (taking 37,5 mg one day, 75 mg the second day) and 30 mg Remeron combo. Around this time my new shrink recognized that I might have Borderline personality disorder. My moral was crushed, I didn't know what to think and who to believe any more, including my self. All of a sudden we talk about emotional disorder and not chemical imbalance. I have become a very angry and bitter person, anhedonic, frustrated and depressed.

 

Let’s call this modern  or recent time:

 

I have started a 3 month day care program in hospital to learn about Borderline Personality Disorder at the end of 2016 and entered a private psycho-dynamic therapy in March 2017., quite fast I've had some great results, at first. My therapist believed that my problems are emotional and not biological and after a while I believed it myself. I have realized that all previous years I have been treating the damage from the street drugs - thinking that was the cause of everything and not my childhood traumas and my own psyche which caused taking drugs in the first place. By that logic my depression could be emotional and not biological which previous 10 doctors made me believe. All of a sudden I've had both responsibility and power to do something new about it. 

 

In November 2017 I have experienced a deep catharsis and sort of enlightenment, I allowed my self to feel and get in touch with my self. I have found my soul and cried from the bottom of it. I didn't even believe in soul for a long time out of bitterns  and depair, and I never cried in  20 years. There are no good words to describe a liberation and realization that all those years I was suffering because of childhood trauma, that my depression was my defense from it and my sadness but in the same time a self given unconscious torture. I realized that I was looking at the world black and white, and I was always choosing black. All these AD drugs were only covering up my sadness and I might not even needed them. It's like my brain fired up millions of new neurons at once. This is in short of course.:)

 

Things around me were really good, my company was doing well, I got my girl back and fell in love, I got a dog... I got a lot of energy for sports overnight and most importantly I was in love in myself for the first time in 20 years. I started to believe in my feelings and I was excited about continuing my therapy and decided to face everything buried in me and hidden under the drugs. I wanted to learn and understand my emotions. 

 

I found this site and believed it's possible to get off, even after so long which was troubling me. This was all a bit much to take in but I have started reducing the drugs, I was thinking it will be easy now because I've broke the curse of depression and that there is no going back. From this site I have realized that I have suffered so much because doctors suggested CT so many times before. I wasn't even angry because of all my lost years at that point. My plan was to tamper "slowly" from now on....off course I was rushing. 

 

WD:

 

While my therapist did point out I might not be needing meds, I was alone in my taper. This part was my responsibility, my therapist told me he is not familiar with how to do it. As I was enthusiastic, I started it. From November 2017 - March 2018 I have reduced Effexor from 55 mg to 37,5 mg ( dropping out the 75mg pill) and Remeron from 30 mg to 15 mg ( cutting out the thirds of half a 30 mg tablets). I got into a severe withdrawal in March and April 2018 ( anxiety, panic, vomiting, body shaking, confusion,...) but I came back to being very good in May. This has strong-ed my will and determination even more. I realized that I've been going too fast but as well I have been happy that I've reached the limit of "therapeutic dosage". My plan was to tamper Remeron to 3,5 mg and keep it for sleep while I tampering Effexor which was worrying me more. 

 

Unfortunately soon, my luck has somehow turned around beyond my control. My company was facing bankruptcy after 6 years of hard work and I was facing a lot of possible personal dept. This has caused severe chronic stress and overworking myself from June 2017- November 2017. I continued tampering despite that because I wasn’t afraid of Remeron. Stupid!  By September I was burned out, physically and psychologically.  My last drop of Remeron was on August 15th when I reached 7,5mg. At that point I couldn't proceed and I decided to make a longer stop. I've been experiencing  lots of bad symptoms like racing negative thoughts, fatigue, confusion, brain fog,.... I thought it was simply from stress, it didn't occur to me that it could be WD... and I still wonder how would things play out if stress wasn't involved and some other life drama from the time. It was hard to jump from joy and happiness back to depressive thinking and horrible feelings. My relationship which I feel I've invested my self a lot in was over,  my company which I've worked hard for was at the bottom, my progress in therapy and taper stopped. I didn't lose all hope. I thought all I needed is good rest.

 

I did have a window and a good period in December 2018 so I decided to continue my taper in January, which was my primary goal,  more slowly this time - around 10% Remeron monthly, thinking good thinks will come for being brave.         

 

From February 2019 to today it was really hard. I have been pushing the 10% despite not being stable at any point and I am experiencing long waves of depression, anxiety, panic, brain fog, anhedionia... a lot od bad symptoms changing without no real pattern. My memory and cognition is really bad. What is most scary is that I feel that I lost my self after so much hard work and soul changing. It’s like again I’m switched from emotional to neuro biological case. This is hard to understand. I'm demoralized. I can't figure out for which symptoms, I am responsible and what is WD to blame. I do have short windows but even than I can't feeli'm back to "normal". my WD normal seems it's bad and that I'm having a fall instead of slight healing. I'm back to being too harsh to myself. I hope that I'm just depressive and scared because of WD but I can’t see anything clearly. My tampering now seems like impossible to finish. My therapy is suffering because of WD, my WD is suffering because of the therapy. I wish to continue both because I know that I need to deal with emotions under the drugs and I need to get of the drugs to deal with it. One of the reasons I didn't join sooner is because I read here you don't recommend intense therapy while in WD. I get it, it could be to hard and it is at times, everything multiplies while in WD, but how to solve my equation especially if this is going to last for another multiple years?

I have decided to stop and hold. My last drop was on May 5th and I'm holding at Effexor XR 37,5 mg and Remeron 4,2 mg. I was hoping that I'll feel better by this time ( 3-4 months stop) so I could decide what to do next but I don’t know how to proceed. I don't know what is wise. Sometimes it seems like I’m closer than ever to being drug free and in the next moment that is impossible.  

 

I hope you could evaluate my situation and process?

 

Apologies for the long post, I know it’s a bit much but I've cut out a lot trust me.

 

 

                 

 

   

Edited by ChessieCat
added space

2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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Sassenach

Hello    Musa  and welcome to SA.

 

I apologise for the delay in replying.

 

This site is run entirely by volunteer Administrators and Moderators, all have been through or going through withdrawal.

There are no commercial interests or influences  involved .

I am sorry you are having such a rough time but you are now in the right place.

 

As you pointed out you have a long story, most of us here do.

In order to help you it is the last two years we are most interested in.

It is essential that all mods can see your current history at a glance.

I would be grateful if you could fill in your drug signature using the link below:

please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

Be sure to include any supplements.

This will appear beneath every post and will help other mods answer your questions.

 

Having read your intro topic you are experiencing W/D (withdrawal symptoms).

Your CNS (cenral nervous system) is in disarray because of all the med and dose changes plus tapering too fast.

The following links will help you understand what is happening:

the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/

why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/

dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

☼-brassmonkey-talking-about-myself/?do=findComment&comment=244038

 

At SA we do not recommend tapering more than one drug at a time.

 

As soon as we recieve the drugs info. we can assess your situation.

In the meantime DO NOT MAKE ANY CHANGE TO YOUR CURRENT MEDS please.

Please feel free to browse the site, it is a wealth of info.

Other members threads will give you an insight and the opportunity to share experiences.

 

Again welcome.

 

Sassenach

 

 


Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018

Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018

Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018

Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs.

Updosed  8March to 5mgs and holding

25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner

If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum:rolleyes:

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Musa

Hey Sassenach,

 

Thank you for your reply.  No worries, I understand that you all must be busy.  Thank you for your time, it is much appreciated.

 

I can see now even better that I've wrote a lot in my intro ( sorry again) and I understand that the last two years are most important. Writing up my signature, it's frustrating when I think about trying, changing and CT- ing so many drugs from 2010 and thinking how it caused so much pain but shaped me and my life in so many destructive ways and on top of that I'm still in it all. It looks like I didn't even have a chance getting well and I was fighting so hard and trying so many other things. Okay, I can't change the past and all that on a side, it's scary because chemically, my brain must still be affected from before the last 2 years so I'm confused about my big emotional breakthrough last year ( and fall this year), as mentioned not sure what is me and what is WD.

I'm looking forward to hearing back from you with your assessment.    

 

Cheers,

Musa

 


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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Dejavu

Hi Musa, and welcome from me, too. Like most of us, you've taken your central nervous system for quite a wild ride. You will find most members have done the same, through no fault of our own. 

 

You are wise to hold your taper at this time. Never taper unless you are stable. Your system needs time to sort out all the changes you've made. May to September is not a long time, unfortunately. I've been holding for 6 months and still not quite stable, although I'm much improved.

 

Please make sure you read the links Sassenach sent you. There is a wealth of information therein. And if I were you I would continue to hold, make no changes to your dosages, make sure you take your meds at the same time every day, and try to be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time, but you will be all right.


2016 - Zoloft 50 mg for klonopin w/d

Approx. Nov 2017 - successful taper of klonopin; Approx. Jan. 2018 - rapid taper Zoloft over 2 wks - no w/d symptoms; May 2018 - Reinstate 50 mg Zoloft per doctor; Aug 2018 - Rapid taper Zoloft over 3-4 weeks - no w/d symptoms for 1 mo.; Late Oct 2018 - pdoc rx'd 5mg lexapro -took for 1 wk; Early Nov 2018 - Reinstate 25 mg Zoloft; updose to 37.5 on Nov 28, 2018; Nov 30 2018 - returned to 25mg Zoloft upon mod. advice; Dec 9 - Dec10 2018 - 12.5mg zoloft liquid+12.5mg zoloft pill; Dec 11 2018 - 25mg zoloft all liquid; Feb 14 2019 - updosed to 26.25 mg liquid; Mar 6 2019 - updosed to 26.88 mg liquid - new symptoms; Mar 13 2019 - back down to 26.25 mg per mod suggestion

Dose Changes: Dec 2 2019 - 5% to 25mg; Jan 14 2020 - 10% to 22.5 (increase in sxs all month); Mar 10-15? 2020,  accidental updose to 25mg; Mar 22 2020 - back down to 22.5mg; Apr 12 2020 - 2.5% to 21.94mg; Apr 19 2020 - 2.5% to 21.375mg (symptom increase); May 17 2020 - 2.5% to 20.625mg; May 24 2020 - 2.5% to 20.1mg - Jun 14 2020 - noticed uptick in symptoms settled 2 days later - July 10 2020 - onset of wave

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Altostrata

Hello, Musa.

 

Thanks for writing up those historical details. What is your current daily drug schedule, with dosages? Do you feel better or worse after taking each drug? What are your most worrisome symptoms now?


This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Musa

Hey Dejavu and Altostrata,

 

Thank you for dropping by and welcoming me.

 

Dejavu: Thank you for your nice words and encouragement. I guess I did take my CNS to an insanely wild ride, hope not to wild as it feels sometimes. I can see that I'm not the only one, and it does feel better in a way not to be alone. It's comforting to a degree seeing that the others are on a similar journey and that a happy ending is possible. It's scary on the other hand to see and when you think of a magnitude of suffering caused by misleading doctors and big pharma. Just recently I have switched from a mindset of acceptance, understanding and taking responsibility that that's my path now - rough road to freedom, to a victim and without a lot of control. I don't like this thinking, and trying to look beyond that. I hope I'm just very emotionally tired an confused.

I will definitely hold, thank you for your advise. Maybe I was pushing too hard during lots of stressful life events. And, yes I'm trying to find some answers in provided links and around the site.

 

Alto: I'm taking Effexor XR 37.5 mg and Remeron 4,2 mg before bed time, around midnight. Maybe it's weird to take Effexor before bed time, but I do this for a long time, probably for 1,5 years. It helps me with Remeron sedation in the mornings. I pass out 20 min after taking drugs and I sleep through the night till 7 or 8 pm. Mornings are hard with cortisol spikes, anxiety and drowsiness.

 

About 7 days ago I came out of a bad wave which lasted for about a week. I have been experiencing really bad panic attacks and anxiety with racing thoughts without real triggers and that is now followed by a depression and intrusive negative thinking but having severe brain fog and confusion in the same time. This would be my primary symptoms which are troubling me at the moment. What's most strange is that just until recently I could separate WD symptoms from myself ( July and begining of August), knowing that it is just that. Now it is overwhelming and I guess I can't see myself clearly through it all. It's like I'm starting to worry and believe that I'm in relapse of depression as an disorder vs neuro depression caused by reducing the drugs. Does this makes sense?

It's frustrating because I took some time off from work both in July and August intentionally and I was doing my best to rest and be gentle to my self going by the motto by not doing anything I'm progressing in healing even more. I was hoping to stabilize by now as I have lot of work now in September and October which I can't avoid.                      

 


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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Musa

Hey Alto and folks, 

 

I have been away on a field work...I was hoping to find your reply Alto so I'm simply poking you.

I would be thankful for any other assesment from anybody. I understand that not much can be done apart from holding, I'm just very confused about my whole path and such a downfall. Any thoughts or advise on my situation?

 

Thanks.


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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Musa

It's been a while...and the world changed...outer and inner

 

I hope that everybody is keeping safe as much as possible in this changed world and difficult times...

 

It's been about a year since I posted here in distress. I haven't got many answers then but to hold and I figured yes, I will hold my taper and hold myself along the way. I did so from May 2019 to January 2020 when I felt a bit better. The year was at the end, I have survived lots of challenges and felt positive because I made new plans to make this year more tolerable by new business arrangements ( selling my company and finding an easier job) and new private commitments for self care. I have continued  to gently taper Remeron starting at only 2,5 % in Jan, Feb, March...Than the world turned upside down. I was holding in April and May. During the time of the Covid lockdown till this day I've been through stresses of major earthquake, destruction of property, family drama and release of old traumas,  business plans and new job plans collapsed, lots of medical issues like severe nerve back pain which stuck me to a bed, my dog got severely injured and is still recovering without a guaranty and so on....

 

I have been reducing Remoron gently again from June - 2.5% and in July and August by 2.5 % every two weeks. Why ? Because I felt like the dose of 4.2 was really bad for me. I think the dose it self was producing strong symptoms of somnolence, sedation ( sleeping till 10 am, not being functional till noon, sleeping in the afternoon), body ache, brain fog.... I think I don't do well on low dose of Remeron which works very differently in low doses then in higher.  At the moment I am around 3.3.mg. So all together I have reduced about 1 mg during  9 months...

 

I am not well...actually I don't think I'm managing any more. My symptoms are strong depression and anxiety, brain fog, negative thinking, body ache...most frighting like I'm losing my mind or psyche. I can't think clearly. I do have windows here and there but I'm so tired and confused even than. I am generally very tired and confused.

 

I would be very thankful if somebody could help out by advise and clear thinking.  Should I hold, reinstate, up dose or slowly continue my taper?

I was hoping that by reducing Remeron very gently I would start to feel better ( getting to lover doses). Some things improved like waking up in the morning around 7-8 am, sometimes I have the strength for an 1-2 hours of hiking or biking. However my emotional and mental capacities are so low and frightening. I am afraid that all the things happening around me and inside me are just too much. Last year I was thinking that I'm so close to get rid of this poison but not it looks impossible. I hope to taper at least Remeron to 0. But even that looks impossible. 

I am seriously thinking about up dosing or even returning to the beginning taking a full dose of Remeron. I don't like saying this but not sure what to do. I started my taper 3 years ago and it's crazy how much life was throwing bad stuff at me during all this time, especially the last two years. I started my taper in a good position both inside and out but so many things are against me now and quite possible in the future with work for instance.  I don't want to quit and make all managed suffering for nothing but I don't know how I can continue.

Is this a long bad wave or have I messed everything up and I'm in relapse now?

 

Sorry if I'm overly pessimistic in this difficult times but I'm in big distress.  

 

Hope to hear from somebody.

 

Musa

 

 

 

           


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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Erell

Hello Musa

 

I'm sorry to read you're struggling.

 

Do you still take Effexor ? What dosage?

Could you please update your signature with all recent changes ?

 

This will help the team

 

Take care ☀️


2006 : 20mg Paroxetine + Bromazepam(no specific dose) 

2008 : cold turkey of both

2010 : 20mg Deroxat + Bromazepam(no specific dose) 

2013: Switch from Bromazepam To Prazepam (long half-life)

2014-June2017 : Prazepam taper, 3% drops. 

2018 to August 2019 : weaning Paroxetine 20mg. 3% every 15 days.

- 22nd August updosed To 10mg (was at 8.4mg) because of a big wave. 

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paroxetine. 

 

April 2020-August 2020 : Paxil to Prozac bridge. Details https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21457-erell-struggling-with-paroxetine/?do=findComment&comment=499847

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate/ fish oil/ evening primrose oil 

Current medication : 7mg Fluoxetine + 1mg Diazepam + toothpick Paroxetine 

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Musa

Dear Erell,

 

Thank you for your reply and compassion.

I know that you have been struggling and helping others in the same time. That's very inspiring. You should be proud of your self. My respect to you. 

 

I have updated my signature, sorry for that.I work in weight from this year and have been troubling with the math as my head doesn't work best. I think it's about right. According to my last year's calculation 40 mg of a tablet weight contains about 4,2 mg of Remeron.

This year I have been reducing by 1 mg of weight from 40 ( 2,5 %). Now closer to 30 mg of weight percentages are slightly higher so between 2,5 % -3.5 % every two weeks from June. It checks out if I compare that 7.5 mg of Remeron weights 70 mg, so 35 of weight is 3,75 mg of Remeron. Now I'm holding at the weight of 32 mg which should be around 3.3. mg of Remeron.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you.

 

 

 


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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kokoro1974

Hi  Musa, I am not a moderator and hopefully some of them will soon answer your current predicaments. I was reading your story with interest cause I find we have a lot in common, as we both had a tough childhood but were happy despite that fact until street drugs came into the scene and just like you I find myself surfing life with no family support whatsoever, It was hard!. In my particular case I just used marihuana but really a very  few times. But just a micro tiny piece of a hot cake with marihuana was enough to triggered on me a severe case of panic disorder which eventually lead me to start on AntiDepressants. The psychiatrist who prescribed them to me told me he was going to  wean me soon from the AD and that the AD was not risky or dangerous or harmful at all, nor did it was addictive.  He never helped me to find my way out off the drug, and 19 years later I still find myself consuming this consuming and poisonous drugs, trying to get off of them. Anyways, what I want to tell you is that you are indeed not alone in this painful process and also I want to tell you that I admire your fortitude. It is quite remarkable that you have developed a company (business) of your own while battling this very unfortunate situation which is childhood trauma and being on this soul crushing drugs. You are very brave and I admire you.   I want to add my two cents and I advice you to stop tapering the drugs till you feel stable and strong again,  this  can be a year or more.  I believe you have been roughing the taper process putting yourself in a very painful situation while instead, you  needed to be more compassionate towards yourself and slowed the process so your central nervous system could catch up with all the tough situations that life had been throwing upon you. I hope I make sense.   As you can see I am not a native speaker, but I am doing my best to explain what I perceive about the way you are quitting the meds.  I do not know if reinstatement will work or if you should updose the med and how much mg you should updose. Let's wait for someone more knowledgeable, so they can advice you better.  Send you the best healing vibes from México.  

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Musa
38 minutes ago, kokoro1974 said:

Hi  Musa, I am not a moderator and hopefully some of them will soon answer your current predicaments. I was reading your story with interest cause I find we have a lot in common, as we both had a tough childhood but were happy despite that fact until street drugs came into the scene and just like you I find myself surfing life with no family support whatsoever, It was hard!. In my particular case I just used marihuana but really a very  few times. But just a micro tiny piece of a hot cake with marihuana was enough to triggered on me a severe case of panic disorder which eventually lead me to start on AntiDepressants. The psychiatrist who prescribed them to me told me he was going to  wean me soon from the AD and that the AD was not risky or dangerous or harmful at all, nor did it was addictive.  He never helped me to find my way out off the drug, and 19 years later I still find myself consuming this consuming and poisonous drugs, trying to get off of them. Anyways, what I want to tell you is that you are indeed not alone in this painful process and also I want to tell you that I admire your fortitude. It is quite remarkable that you have developed a company (business) of your own while battling this very unfortunate situation which is childhood trauma and being on this soul crushing drugs. You are very brave and I admire you.   I want to add my two cents and I advice you to stop tapering the drugs till you feel stable and strong again,  this  can be a year or more.  I believe you have been roughing the taper process putting yourself in a very painful situation while instead, you  needed to be more compassionate towards yourself and slowed the process so your central nervous system could catch up with all the tough situations that life had been throwing upon you. I hope I make sense.   As you can see I am not a native speaker, but I am doing my best to explain what I perceive about the way you are quitting the meds.  I do not know if reinstatement will work or if you should updose the med and how much mg you should updose. Let's wait for someone more knowledgeable, so they can advice you better.  Send you the best healing vibes from México.  

Hi Kokoro,

 

Thank you for checking out my story and for your kind words.

Yes, I can see the similarity between us. I can relate to what you are saying. Back then I had the option to go to a religious community or doctors for help. I chose doctors, a human help. I've been thinking lately how life would be different if I have choose differently. Now I'm interested into spirituality much more,back than I was to young and angry.  And you know what, I can't say that meds did not help but I didn't know about the hell awaiting in the future. And i didn't know that human suffering can be good and transformative if addressed properly and in time. Now we have to deal with pain under the meds and pain from the meds. That's what scares me most.

Generally I feel lonely in this process for years now, maybe even for a decade (unknowing the truth at the beginning).  Tonight I feel less lonely thanks to you.

I've been through a lot and did many things which I should be proud off. Yes, moving to other countries and cities for work  + starting a successful long term company is something among other things.

I just can't see it due to all the darkness, being stuck on the shady part of the mountain. Couple of years back I realized that my business became my new drug, escape, that I have become a workaholic and was looking for happiness in a wrong place. That's why I've been trying to sell it for the last two years and have closed the deal finally. Covid took all that away, both the 8 years of hard work and a way out to change. Isn't that ironic? I know it could be worse and I should be thankful for many things I have. And I am as much as I can be in this darkness. More important that all that, you are right, I've been pushing myself to much and wasn't gentle to myself. I guess it's never to late..to start being more compassionate to myself.  It's something I keep trying to do, and keep forgetting to do. I hope it's not to late for my mistakes in tapering. 

Thank you for your compassionate thoughts and for letting/ making me vent. :)

I can't see your story or progress...I hope you're path hasn't been disrupted too much with everything happening in Mexico. Stay safe and well.

 


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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kokoro1974

I hear ya! I wonder too what would happened had I never went into that psychiatrist office and if my family instead of bringing me to that psycho killer drug pusher would had work with me trough all the grieving process which was massive (I lost my dear little 13 year brother to a shutgun accident). So, yes, those "what if I ..."  plague my mind from time to time. But as  far as I can see I was young, innocent, confused and scared, the perfect victim for psychiatry business psycho killer doctors. Currently I am  on half a pill of the only AD I have been on which is Paxil or Paroxetine. I Have been on half the pill for more than 6 years, Before that I was on 20 mg for 13 years or so. I plan to restart my taper this October 2020 and I haven't decide yet weather to tapper 10% or 5%. I had lost half of my beloved hair while on this drug, as one of the "beautiful" side effects of the poison can be precisely hair loss, and as I am a woman this perspective is just awful to say the least.  So for me is a matter of mental and emotional health to get off of the drug, because this massive hair loss makes me feel very very very depressed and very angry. The last 7 years I have been shaved must of the time as I can't barely stand to see how I lose massive amounts of hair every single day. It's been overwhelming!  So on october I will restart tapering and see how it all goes. I am very afraid of the process, the last time I try to quit, it was a massive disaster, I became almost psychotic and I have to updose to 20 mg again. Unbelievable what this drug can make to people!. I am convinced that psych drugs should be banned and young people educated about the extreme dangerous that street drugs pose to mental and emotional health of healthy people. I send you the best healing vibes from México.

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Musa
On 9/15/2020 at 11:38 PM, kokoro1974 said:

I hear ya! I wonder too what would happened had I never went into that psychiatrist office and if my family instead of bringing me to that psycho killer drug pusher would had work with me trough all the grieving process which was massive (I lost my dear little 13 year brother to a shutgun accident). So, yes, those "what if I ..."  plague my mind from time to time. But as  far as I can see I was young, innocent, confused and scared, the perfect victim for psychiatry business psycho killer doctors. Currently I am  on half a pill of the only AD I have been on which is Paxil or Paroxetine. I Have been on half the pill for more than 6 years, Before that I was on 20 mg for 13 years or so. I plan to restart my taper this October 2020 and I haven't decide yet weather to tapper 10% or 5%. I had lost half of my beloved hair while on this drug, as one of the "beautiful" side effects of the poison can be precisely hair loss, and as I am a woman this perspective is just awful to say the least.  So for me is a matter of mental and emotional health to get off of the drug, because this massive hair loss makes me feel very very very depressed and very angry. The last 7 years I have been shaved must of the time as I can't barely stand to see how I lose massive amounts of hair every single day. It's been overwhelming!  So on october I will restart tapering and see how it all goes. I am very afraid of the process, the last time I try to quit, it was a massive disaster, I became almost psychotic and I have to updose to 20 mg again. Unbelievable what this drug can make to people!. I am convinced that psych drugs should be banned and young people educated about the extreme dangerous that street drugs pose to mental and emotional health of healthy people. I send you the best healing vibes from México.

Dear Korako,

 

I understand and feel you. I'm sorry to hear about losing your brother at such young age. That must have been hard and confusing for you then and maybe still is now because it's related to your AD use and problems in tapering. Grieving is an important part of human experience and it sounds that it might have been "taken" away from you. As it was for me, not for such a specific wound but for many other. I'm trying to grieve it all out not, and there is a lot of it now. We can't change the past but we can change our perspective and learn to deal with our emotions.

I can understand your fear of further tapering and frustration about your hair loss. It sounds like you are very aware and conscious about yourself and  possible issues of tapering. That's good and you are in a good position now on half a dose of Paxil ( and the fact that it's your only drug). Only you can know when and how to taper further but it might be a good idea to wait  now until the world becomes a safer place. This Covid situation is affecting us all this way or the other. I expect things to get worse in near future but better in about 6 moths time with the arrival of vaccine. I guess I'm trying to advise you something similar as you did to me, be patient and compassionate, because we all have big external worries now, out of our control. If October is very set for you, at least go very slowly. I was thinking that I'm going very slowly but I'm a mess now. Yes, it unbelievable how these drugs can affect. I wish you well and take care.  


2000 - 2010 variety of SSRI and Valium ( Prozac mostly 20 mg, poop out)// 2010 -2015 new variety and cocktails, Seroquel ( CT), Zoloft (CT), Lexapo

2015 - Lexapo CT, WD - hell on earth for 6 months, almost hospitalized but instead, trying out new drugs( Brintilex, Valdoxan, Abilify ),"stable" on Effexor XR 150 mg, Seroquel 75, Lamictal 100 mg, Valium 4 x 0,5 mg   

2016 - CT Lamictal, CT Seroquel, reducing Effexor XR, Valium and Clonopin occasionally

2017  - Effexor 56 mg ( 37.5 + 75 mg every second day), starting Remeron 30 mg in February

2017 Nov 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg ( dropping the 75mg every second day), Remeron 25 mg 

2017 Dec, 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, 20 mg Remeron // 2018 Mid Feb - Effexor 37,5 mg, 15 mg Remeron // 2018 March, April -  Hold

2018 May 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 13 mg // 2018 June 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg Remeron 11mg // 2018 July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 9 mg //  2018 Aug 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 7,5 mg // 2018 Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec Hold

2019 Jan 10 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 6,75 mg // 2019 Feb 20 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 5,5 mg // 2019 March 25 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,9 mg // 2019 April 22 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,5 mg // 2019 May 6  - Effexor 37,5mg, Remeron 4,2 mg // 2019 June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec - Hold

2020 Jan 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 4,1 mg // Feb 15- Effexor  37,5 mg, Remeron 4 mg // Mar 15 -  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.9 mg // April & May Hold 

June 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3,8 mg // June 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.7 mg // July 1-  Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.6 mg // July 15 - Effexor 37,5 mg, Remeron 3.5 mg // August 1 - Effexor 37,5 mg // Remeron 3.4.// August 15 - Effexor 37,5 m, Remeron 3.3 mg    

Supplements :  Fish oil 3000mg day time , 400 mg magnesium and 1000 mg Vit C  in the evening

 

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