Touchofpink: I honestly don't know why I'm alive (I'm not suicidal though)

[Touchofpink]

Here I am, 

It started about 4 years ago when I started getting so tired I couldn't even manage food shopping. I would go and buy a bag of food, by the time I got home I was exhausted (I was 32 then) I felt like a robot and felt no emotions at all. Doctors didn't know what was wrong so put me on cital eventually. This worked wonders and within weeks I had my energy back. 

Probably 8 months later I gradually stopped the meds and had to go back on them as could not cope due to developing anxiety. 

I went back on cital but it didn't work so doctors gave me sertraline. That worked gradually and I decided to come off it as I know it's not the solution. I took my last dose on the last day of May. The last three months have been like a roller-coaster. I'm constantly up and down with my mood. I exercise regularly so I feel physically well but mentally I just don't feel like doing anything, nothing makes me happy. It used to be enough for me to sit in the sun to feel happy. I feel nothing now. I'm crying writing this as it makes me so sad just thinking about the lack of enjoying my life. I literally don't know what the purpose of my life is. I'm 37,single, family live in another country. I'm in a shared rented house slowly saving for my own place. I feel like I have not achieved what an average person would at my age. I have a good job which I find challenging due to the way I feel mentally but to save money I need to be working. I just feel lonely and empty and like I don't even know why I'm alive as I'm just not feeling anything. I want to buy a flat eventually, I always wanted a family of my own but I struggle with men due to bad childhood and the way I was brought up by foster witch who never showed me affection. I just feel so lost and not like I used to be...... 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Touchofpink.

 

In general, nobody knows why they're alive. It's the great existential question.

 

I guess you've been on psychiatric drugs for more than 4 years? To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

Did you have any odd symptoms shortly after coming off sertraline in May? If so, how did they change? How's your sleep? Do you have waves of symptoms now?

 

Emotional anesthesia is a very common side effect of antidepressants and a withdrawal symptom that can persist for a long while after you go off them. Please see

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome)

 

What does healing from withdrawal syndrome feel like?

 

Withdrawal dialogues & encouragement

 

Overwhelmed, demotivated, apathetic? Cannot get going on interest or action

 

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

 

Derealization or Depersonalization

 

 

[Touchofpink]

Thank you for your reply Alostrata, 

When I finished sertraline in May I was ok for about a week. The worst side effects after stopping medication was feeling dizzy, desensitized and I had terrible digestive problems. I like food but I've had so much constipation and bloating that it really puts me off eating. I also experienced flu like symptoms and a very bad stiff and painful back of the neck and upper back- this is mild now but when I get stressed out it comes back. I guess the worst side effect is the fact that I feel emotionless most of the time and that my brain has slowed down and my memory is very bad. 

I took cital for about a year, then had 4 months break, then went back on it for a few months and then was given setraline which I took for a year. 

I went to the doc recently ang he said that to sort out my gut there is an option of going back on antidepressants, I was horrified when he said that!