Cbluffs: Lexapro, Remeron, Wellbutrin taper finally hitting

[Cbluffs]

So I have been a member of this cite since i started my taper in May of 2018. Almost 6 years ago (age 18) I went into a deep depression from panic attacks that were induced by weed. The anxiety from that was so unbearable. I was in fear of everything. felt like i lost control of my body and my mind! Hid under my covers praying that it would all end. A year into not being functional, dropping out of college, and having suicidal thoughts I got placed on an SSRI along with Xanax (as needed). At the age of 19 I was on medication for my anxiety and got sober after getting out of a treatment center (forced upon my parents since i didn't stop smoking pot and drinking). I remember trying so my medications, a lot of them not on my signature because i forgot or got off of them easily with a switch to another medication. 

 

It started with one SSRI! then i started to have side effects. the main side effect was low sex drive, ED, and no orgasms. I couldnt have that being a young adult male. NO THANK YOU. so my psych added Remeron to the mix. Dont know why? probably because it has less sexual side effects, and was good for sleep. Remeron, though came with a handful of side effects too. GREAT! started with crazy tiredness. I remember starting this stuff and sleeping 16 hrs a day because i was so knocked out. I also couldnt stop eating carbs and sweets. I little felt like i was high with the munchies without the paranoia of being high. Kind of awesome until the weight gain started to come into play. Im a Fitness Trainer and very cautious with my weight and what i put into my mouth. So i started to really hate that all i was eating were sweets an hr before bed, felt sugar hangover and literally couldnt stop munching!!! The only thing I loved about Remeron was it put me to sleep fast. 

 

SO after I have been on Lexapro and Remeron, my psych added Wellbutrin to counteract the side effects of Remeron. Great... So now, somehow i went from 1 to now being on 3, WTF? I stayed on this combination of meds for a couple of months until I said "I quit, i dont want to do this anymore". What really turned my opinion, a couple of things that came into my life that opened my mind to new possibilities: 
#1 I told myself I live to much of a healthy lifestyle to be on all these meds. I workout everyday, I eat extremely healthy with a side of fun, I'm sober, etc. 

#2 I started to read literature about SSRI and psych meds. (Dr. Joe Dispenza's You are the placebo , MAD in America Anatomy of an Epidemic, Lost Connections) This really got my motivated to look at my life and see what action i could take. I didnt want to become dependent on medication for the rest of my life, I wanted to at least try to come off of this stuff.

#3 And this PAGE!!!! Reading a lot of people's success stories and seeing what people were going through, I could relate.

 

On May 20th 2018, I started my taper. my plan was to go the 10% taper a month, alternating between each medication. because I wanted to equally reduce all three as i went through my taper instead of doing one drug at a time, (Dont know if that was the best decision but it has worked so far) The taper has gone pretty well, Im actually impressed and proud of myself for taking this journey and getting through the problems with tapering so far. 

I have had all the WDnormal symptoms. some of them manage others not quite so much. I think some of my worse symptoms have been the psyhological symptoms. I was in relationship before the start of my taper, I was so sick of not being able to perform in bed that i decided to taper. Well during my taper my emotions have been all over the place! have you had this problem? It scares me so much, i scared im bipolar or crazy, i just try to keep telling myself its the taper. I had to end that relationship, the stress of the relationship was hurting me. I have thoughts to this day about what if i just stayed on the medication? and dealt with the side effects, could the emotions have not gotten so out of control for me to break up with her? Who knows, All i know is that this is something that i need to do for ME and my life (To try and come off of these medications).

So its September 21st 2019, and im now on:
Lexapro 2.2mg (started 10mg)

Remeron 9mg (started 22.5mg)

Wellbutrin SR 0mg (started 250mg) 

Im taking a break from tapering at the moment, because honestly im overwhelmed with the taper and im in fear that my panic is coming back because i have had a couple of small panic attacks that have hit. Im praying that its just the medication adjusting, and not my passed coming to haunt me again. Its very concerning!!! Would love to hear if you have had thoughts of this? I will say that though even so the anxiety and panic has been a little high, i also have had great moments of clarity and connection, sometimes tears or joy. Also I feel like im digging up emotions that were trapped when the medication was numbing me. Crying a lot, don't really care if its bad or not, just lots of emotions. 

I so badly do not want to be depressed, or have anxiety. But i guess those are natural things in life that we all go through and need to combat. This forum has helped me alot more times when i'm down and hopeless and scared that i won't be able to live a drug free life. I'm scared, I know God is telling me to be strong and show bravery, and Im doing but its just hard guys, do you ever feel like this? 

My next step: is to stay stabilized on the above dosages for a couple of months and see if my symptoms stay the same or get a little better hopefully. All the reasons i had for wanting to get off the medication (Sexual dysfunction, numbness, weight, excessive eating, to tired, lack of emotion, unempathetic) those have all really gone down as i have lowered the dosages, Which is a really good thing! Im grateful for that! So there is no rush to get off these medications at the moment, i dont want to be not functional, because i was there 6 years ago and it was the worst place to be. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my intro! I hope i get some positive words from you guys right now because honestly i need hope . Thank you i Dont even know you put i feel you and i can say i love you guys, i see, i hear, i feel your struggles, but i also see feel and hear all your little wins! Keep it up! One day ill be a success story.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, cbluffs.

 

It's probably a good idea for you to take a break from tapering right now. What are your worst symptoms that you attribute to withdrawal? How's your sleep?

 

Are you still smoking weed and drinking?

 

 

[Cbluffs]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Welcome, cbluffs.

 

It's probably a good idea for you to take a break from tapering right now. What are your worst symptoms that you attribute to withdrawal? How's your sleep?

 

Are you still smoking weed and drinking?

 

 

 
I have taken a break from tapering right now its been 23 days since my last taper. I believe my worst symptoms are more psychological, anxiety, panic here and there, and some mood swings (Like sometimes I'm alive full of energy and other times im dead and down.) Did you ever feel like you were like idk "bipolar" when coming off your meds? Im not super manic or so depressive, but really moody and swings. Sucks. I've pushed a lot of people away during my taper due to these mood swings. I'm working with a therapist atm to help with the management of that. My sleep is beautiful, 7-10hr a night, perfectly asleep. No supplements need for sleep. I believe that the remeron is helping with the sleep and sometimes I take Epsom salt baths before bedtime which helps a lot. 

and NO im not drinking and smoking, still sober for almost 6 years in January. 

[Altostrata]

We don't use terms such as "bipolar."

 

Typically, withdrawal symptoms occur in The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization It may take more than a month for you to be ready to taper again.

 

Are there any times of day when symptoms are worse?

[Cbluffs]

8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

We don't use terms such as "bipolar."

 

Typically, withdrawal symptoms occur in The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization It may take more than a month for you to be ready to taper again.

 

Are there any times of day when symptoms are worse?

Not that I know of... its just windows and waves I guess!